Time for some Humor!!

[STaty]

In Russia the real woman has to cut a tree, destroy the house and grow up the daughter!!!

[calmissile]

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,says:
 
  "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
 
  “That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
  We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
 
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."
 
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
 
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.” Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."

And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to   take   your camel to bed …

[2tallbill]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that
mean that 1 out of 5 people enjoy it?

If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean
If a woman says you're ugly she's being jealous
If a little kid says you're ugly, then you are ugly. 

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
As if I would really want to see a band called
Parking violation at the court house.

[AC]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Wot?   

[2tallbill]

[viking]

Wot?   


 

And unfortunately their DNA is now going to be replicated.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Note 1:

The doctor said that I should take the day off and relax

Note 2:

I have been calling myself doctor

[2tallbill]

I have a friend who's life is one seemed like a good idea at the time after another.

[ML]

Dr : You need an operation.

Me:  I would like a second opinion.

Dr :  Give me another $250 and I will give you another opinion.

[2tallbill]

Dr : You need an operation.

Me:  I would like a second opinion.

Dr :  Give me another $250 and I will give you another opinion.

Dr: You are seriously fat
Me: I would like a second opinion

Dr: You're ugly too

[2tallbill]

How to call a family meeting:

Turn off the wifi router then wait in the room that it's kept in.

[2tallbill]

[ML]

Dr tells redneck that the grandfather died of a massive infarction.

Redneck calls family to report that grandfather died of massive internal fart.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Dr tells redneck that the grandfather died of a massive infarction.

Redneck calls family to report that grandfather died of massive internal fart.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped opening his bills.

[ML]

Dr:  Seems you are pregnant.

Blonde:  How do we know I am the mother?

= = = = =

You win Bill, I am off to bed.

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

[2tallbill]

Fun facts

1. Some pine cones look like poop
2. I'm never kicking anything with flip flops again

[2tallbill]

Happiness is only one throat punch away

[2tallbill]