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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473638 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #925 on: October 24, 2008, 10:29:18 AM »
Warning Juvenile Joke
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ca71447

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #926 on: October 25, 2008, 01:56:33 PM »
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1 . Lots of Sex
2 . Leave him alone - don't nag him
3.  Let him have the remote control

Offline ca71447

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #927 on: October 29, 2008, 01:45:14 PM »
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely .

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!!!

Offline ca71447

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #928 on: October 30, 2008, 08:04:35 PM »
Subject:   Are there Mexican Jews ?
 
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles.
 
Sid asks Al, Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'
 
Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
     
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'
     
The waiter says, 'I don't know Senor, I ask the cooks.'
     
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, No Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'
     
Al isn't satisfied and asks, Are you absolutely sure?'
     
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, Senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.
     
While the waiter is away, Sid says, I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico , our people are scattered everywhere.'
     
The waiter returns and says, Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'
     
Are you certain?' Al asks again.  I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'
     
Senor, I ask EVERYONE, replies the exasperated waiter,

All we have is  Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

Offline ca71447

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #929 on: October 31, 2008, 04:59:29 PM »


Investment tips for 2009
 
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
 
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
     will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
 
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
     Poly, Warner Cracker.
 
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:  MMMGood.
 
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
   ZipAudiDoDa.
 
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:  FedUP.
 
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:  Fairwell Honeychild.
 
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:  PouponPants.
 
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:  Knott NOW!
 
And finally....
 
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:  TittyTittyBangBang

Offline OlgaH

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #930 on: November 21, 2008, 10:50:47 PM »
 ;)

[youtube=425,350]fgefooqAMHY[/youtube]

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #931 on: November 22, 2008, 07:31:31 AM »
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #932 on: November 29, 2008, 06:07:33 PM »
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #933 on: November 29, 2008, 06:11:38 PM »
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one
on the others behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general,
then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew
to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the
same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #934 on: November 29, 2008, 06:28:42 PM »
I must admit, My Ex wife brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met her.

-----------------------------------

Definition of a bad day # 187
You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

-----------------------------------

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #935 on: November 29, 2008, 06:35:43 PM »

      Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her!   :)
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #936 on: November 29, 2008, 07:24:41 PM »
      Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her!   :)

I did the cooking my son Tim made the pies
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #937 on: November 29, 2008, 07:26:19 PM »
Sex Quotes warning some have been around for quite awhile

    *  No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln
    * Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
    * Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West
    * Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen
    * Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin
    * Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen
    * The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith
    * Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp
    * Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich
    * When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown
    * Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock
    * To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader
    * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown
    * My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~ Erica Jong
    * Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
    * We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe
    * Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
    * There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John
    * There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~ Billy Joel
    * When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown
    * The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
    * A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown
    * If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~ Louise Sammons
    * I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
    * Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George Bernard Shaw
    * Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown
    * Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
    * What they love to yield they would often rather have stolen. Rough seduction delights them, the boldness of near rape is a compliment. ~ Ovid
    * When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder
    * Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown
    * My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~ Bob Hope
    * Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks
    * I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and off her. ~ Author Unknown
    * Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker
    * My cock doesn't talk politics. ~ S. Sachs
    * I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney
    * An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown
    * A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~ Honor Tracy
    * Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski
    * When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening
    * There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
    * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~ Author Unknown
    * A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus
    * To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant
    * My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie
    * I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
      ~ Author Unknown
    * The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #938 on: November 29, 2008, 11:23:20 PM »
Good collection, Bill  ;D.
* I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
This could have been written by Groucho Marx ;).
Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #939 on: December 11, 2008, 06:42:12 PM »
You can't fix stupid !

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #940 on: December 11, 2008, 06:51:19 PM »
I didn't really have a joke to go with the picture,





FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #941 on: December 11, 2008, 07:29:37 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #942 on: December 12, 2008, 12:30:38 PM »
There comes a time......when blonds don't have more fun!

 ICE FISHING BLONDE...


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many  books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK..."
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #943 on: December 12, 2008, 12:49:34 PM »

 
When I'm an old lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
and make his life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all of the joy he's provided,
returning each deed.   Oh, he'll be so excited.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, he will shout.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast   as I'm able.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
  ...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #944 on: December 20, 2008, 10:53:47 AM »
 
WHY....WHY.... WHY...


Why, Why, Why,
 
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost
dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not
enough money?
 
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at
him?
 
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
 
If people evolved from apes,   Why are there still apes?
 
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
 
Is there ever a day that mattresses    Are not on sale?
 
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?
 
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then
reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
 
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
 
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
 
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't
we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
 
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you
always manage to knock something else over?
 


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
 
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of
mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 

 
 

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #945 on: December 20, 2008, 11:01:58 AM »
                MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!  :)

               Click here:

           http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf
 
           Be sure to click on a reindeer or two or three or   more!!  ;)
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #946 on: December 20, 2008, 11:51:21 AM »
Things aren't always how they appear! 
 
A teacher asked students to draw a picture of "When I Grow Up, I Want to Be..."    One drawing alarmed her: 

(to be continued)

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #947 on: December 20, 2008, 11:53:20 AM »
Note sent the next school day by mommy to teacher...


"Sorry Teacher. That's not a dance pole on stage in a strip joint!

...I work at Home Depot ...that's me selling a  shovel."


Offline KenC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #948 on: December 20, 2008, 12:28:28 PM »
Too funny, Gator.  Was this a "real" incident, or something you found on the Net?
KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #949 on: December 21, 2008, 07:24:45 AM »
KenC,

The Net.  It is remarkable how much comedy and entertainment, most of it not very good, is sent via email.

Splendid to see your name.

 

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