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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473593 times)

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Offline KenC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #75 on: June 25, 2007, 11:49:25 AM »
Gator,
Seen that before, but it is still funny!
KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #76 on: June 26, 2007, 03:09:49 PM »
Blonde guy joke for a change..........

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #77 on: June 27, 2007, 08:02:22 AM »
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly .... he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold. "

" I have a better idea, " she replied " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

" Good, " she replied .. " Get your own f...ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted. !
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #78 on: June 27, 2007, 06:12:46 PM »


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' Said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive, and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, 'South Carolina.'

'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'

'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #79 on: June 27, 2007, 07:39:33 PM »
Happy Hour In Texas

 
I  was driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 
Happy Hour Special...
 
Lobster Tail and Beer



and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!


Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #80 on: June 27, 2007, 08:38:18 PM »

Lobster Tail and Beer and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.
Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #81 on: June 27, 2007, 10:18:17 PM »
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.

You crack me up LOLOLOL

Take care,

Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #82 on: June 27, 2007, 10:21:49 PM »
The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Yuri stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Yuri?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #83 on: June 28, 2007, 01:24:33 PM »
Little Yuri watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing

the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Yuri. "Giving up?"

***********************


Little Yuri attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Yuri asked, "Pappa, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Yuri, looking worried, said, "Pappa, I think the Neighbor guy wants to buy
Momma."


FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #84 on: July 03, 2007, 03:50:20 PM »
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die." she replied
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline batman

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #85 on: July 04, 2007, 07:47:55 AM »
Little Johnny Joke:
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her ." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
In Love Again

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #86 on: July 06, 2007, 05:31:54 PM »
random stuff
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #87 on: July 06, 2007, 05:36:25 PM »
Confucious SAY!!!!
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #88 on: July 06, 2007, 05:37:06 PM »
understanding wife
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #89 on: July 06, 2007, 05:52:32 PM »
A RUSSIAN AND BO, A DUMBASS WRESTLER FROM THIBODAUX, LOUISIANA
WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, BOUDREAUX'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN.

HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED". BOUDREAUX NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, BO THE DumbASS AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING BOUDREAUX AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST.

HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR.

HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND BOUDREAUX COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "BO HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE?!"

THEN BO ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."

SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #90 on: July 06, 2007, 06:00:10 PM »
 
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,  "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and  oddities such as scars and so forth."
 
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately  said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
 
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and  exclaimed, "Didn't you  hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!!  You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
 
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time,but . ."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.    He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts!  How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
 
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."



     
     
 
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #91 on: July 06, 2007, 06:36:04 PM »
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......
and  one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

SPEEDING TICKET
A  police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.    Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"

« Last Edit: July 06, 2007, 06:40:37 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #92 on: July 07, 2007, 01:46:24 AM »
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #93 on: July 08, 2007, 05:28:46 PM »
You guys are Priceless.....
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #94 on: July 09, 2007, 01:04:01 AM »
As long as your smilin' Mamma D & not wielding the rolling pin, I am a happy camper!! :blowkiss:
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Offline catzenmouse

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #95 on: July 09, 2007, 06:48:26 PM »
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
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Offline MaxxumUSA

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #96 on: July 10, 2007, 01:50:41 AM »
Ok all...

This is not a joke.  This is a true story - and happened to me.

It was 1995 or so.  I was 27 years old.  At the time I was toward the end of my first marriage.  We were fighting often.

I had long hair because my AW liked me with long hair.  But I was prior military and didn't care either way.  So we got in a fight and I decided I would cut my hair short - military style, just to piss her off.

Living in upstate, NY we had an old Italian barber who cut 60% of everyone's hair in our little town.  He had 3 other barbers working there - all old Italian men.  I sit in the chair on the end with my long hair - and tell the barber I want a crew cut.  He sees my long hair and after I confirm this is what I want he goes to work.

As he is working on my crew cut I notice the other three old Italian barbers splashing hair tonics and elixers on their customer's hair.  My barber finishes my crew cut and I notice - for the first time in my life - that my hairline is receeding.  Oh my.

So I say to the barber:  "It looks like I'm starting to go bald!"
Barber, with thick Italian accent:  "Yes - You-a going-a bald-a."

With quick thinking I am looking around for a solution to this problem.  Money is no object.  I look around and notice that other men had been getting this hair tonic stuff put on their heads.  There were quite a few different types of bottles on the counters.  Looked like the liquor shelf at a bar.

So I point to the counter with all the tonic and hair products and ask my barber:  "What is the best thing for my baldness?"

Barber takes a moment, looks at the hair tonics, then leans in close to me and looks me in the eye.  He whispers to me:  "Acceptance!"

---true story---  I never had a problem with my baldness past those few short moments.  :)

Back to having fun in life!

Offline Shadow

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #97 on: July 11, 2007, 08:10:32 AM »
True story.

My director calls and tells he wants to know the salary.
"The guy is 30 and will be married with three children"

My answer "Don't you think he will get legal problems doing that ?"

Luckily this director had a sense of humour.
No it is not a dog. Its really how I look.  ;)

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #98 on: July 11, 2007, 03:50:48 PM »
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(For the answer, scroll down.)



































Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."
-- Louis K. Anspacher

Offline acrzybear

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #99 on: July 11, 2007, 03:55:12 PM »
 :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:

I haven't laughed that good in a while
Necessitas dat ingenium

 

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