Ice cold behavior on first meet

[YoungBuck]

 hi everyone!
 I finally arrived in Russia to meet the girl I've been conversing with since February,  and all I can say is that she's ice cold.  Online,  she was all bubbly and warm but when I met her, it  felt like an interview more than anything else.
I met her family for lunch in their home and the mother and father were extremely friendly. Very  warm and hospitable,  which made me relax considering I was afraid of being discriminated against. Her  sister gave me the jealous vibe,  like she was angry that she wasn't the one visited,  but nevertheless, she was friendly enough.
What worries me  is her. I know must people worry about appearances,  but she was even more beautiful in person,  so naturally I tried to behave very gentlemanly. It's nothing that I have done or didn't do but she was distant, a  little rude to her dad when he asked her when she's visiting me in  los Angeles, and blew small things out of proportion. I told her to relax, that's is normal to be nervous and stressed out,  but I'm seeing how someone could be beautiful and smart and  yet single.

Armchair  psychology tells me that she's not manifesting stress but crazy. I  really don't think it's even normal  for Russian passion,  because I'm latino and I  know crazy passion,  but this just seems off. What's your opinion?

[Daveman]

So you made the trip.  Excellent!

but this just seems off.

Yep, it is.

What's your opinion?

Go for the sister.. 

[BillyB]

hi everyone!
 

 
 Hi!
 
 

she's ice cold.  Online,  she was all bubbly and warm but when I met her, it  felt like an interview more than anything else.

In the past you did mention she was reserved when you asked certain questions. Although you felt she was bubbly and warm online, you are probably wrong. I was young once and I failed to read women correctly. Did you read lonedrake's trip report? He struck out with a few women but finally found a woman that is sincere and didn't know what sincere was until he met her. Based on your past posts I never felt she was totally into you because of her reservations to some of your questions.
 
 

she was even more beautiful in person,

 
Most guys who's visited RW say the same thing.
 
 

  this just seems off. What's your opinion?

 
You say it seems off so my opinion is to move on till you find a lady you feel good with. You've invested lots of time and money on this lady but don't let that pressure you into a relationship that doesn't feel right.

[YoungBuck]

 yeah,  I guess I'm projecting here,  but if someone is reserved online for certain questions, I just take it like I would. There's no way I'm opening up to someone whom I have never met. I don't want to get emotionally invested on them.
 What I'm trying to do is understand if this is jitters,  or just plain crazy. I don't want to write anyone off just yet,  because sometimes I'm moody too,  but I'm 90 percent there.  what a disappointment. ugh, thank God I'm meeting my friends from Moscow after this.

I didn't do online dating because I didn't want to meet crazies,  and I figured that it's acceptable for Russians to do online dating,  then it should draw a normal crowd,  but from what I have read online there are more failures than successes,  and the failures are pretty epic. 

[mendeleyev]

How old is she?

It could be that she is just not of the maturity to date for marriage yet, much less when adding the stress of an international relationship.

Don't try to force a relationship that isn't there.

[YoungBuck]

 she's 23  with a master's,  plus is working already. At that age I was already  looking for something tangible.

[lonedrake]

Youngbuck,

 Congrats on your trip.  My only advice could be to use Skype...if you were not already. My wife was pretty much exactly the same in person as on Skype.

[TomT]

... I told her to relax...

...What's your opinion?

Don't tell Russian girls to relax; you should relax, take their attitude in stride and pretend that you have everything under control.

[JayH]

How old is she?

It could be that she is just not of the maturity to date for marriage yet, much less when adding the stress of an international relationship.

Don't try to force a relationship that isn't there.

Could be she is simply nervous--like shy and feeling embarrassed. Going ahead and introducing you to family is a positive-presuming you did not push her into that. Family would be polite to a visitor like most families everywhere- so not necessarily a reflection of anything other than good manners.Maybe you are geekish?
 What was your age again- (30ish?)--maybe you do not have the physical presence she expected . Pass all that-- and it comes back to  her being cautious-- it can take sometimes take considerable time for her to be comfortable in your presence.It is the reason those experienced guys keep saying--get on over there and meet in person!! 
 Last-- do not jump to conclusions prematurely-be patient.It could take more than one visit to break thru her public face.

[Slumba]

You might find that she just feels awkward and is more introverted in person than in writing, something that I have noticed in my own experience with FSUW.

It may be, that some more patience and kindness is called for until the shell is broken. 

But, you cannot appear supplicative about it.  She will respond to YOUR emotional state.

Do something that shows you can take independent action, by planning something or taking her somewhere on your own initiative, that she would like (it doesn't have to be somewhere expensive).  Of course this somewhere should be the kind of thing she would like or is interested in.  This will show both your manly firmness and your consideration of her.

I think, that if you can identify some small thing to buy her that is girly or romantic, it might help break the ice.  Does she have any pets or does she like a certain kind of animal?  Perhaps a plush toy along with a few roses, wrapped up in a nice ribbon, (use your imagination and your specific knowledge of the girl) would elicit a smile; and from there you can ask leading questions about her good memories; this will put her in a good mood and maybe from there she can relax.

[lordtiberius]

Dump her.  She should adjust to you not you to her.  What Daveman said

[fathertime]

hi everyone!
 I finally arrived in Russia to meet the girl I've been conversing with since February,  and all I can say is that she's ice cold.  Online,  she was all bubbly and warm but when I met her, it  felt like an interview more than anything else.
I met her family for lunch in their home and the mother and father were extremely friendly. Very  warm and hospitable,  which made me relax considering I was afraid of being discriminated against. Her  sister gave me the jealous vibe,  like she was angry that she wasn't the one visited,  but nevertheless, she was friendly enough.
What worries me  is her. I know must people worry about appearances,  but she was even more beautiful in person,  so naturally I tried to behave very gentlemanly. It's nothing that I have done or didn't do but she was distant, a  little rude to her dad when he asked her when she's visiting me in  los Angeles, and blew small things out of proportion. I told her to relax, that's is normal to be nervous and stressed out,  but I'm seeing how someone could be beautiful and smart and  yet single.

Armchair  psychology tells me that she's not manifesting stress but crazy. I  really don't think it's even normal  for Russian passion,  because I'm latino and I  know crazy passion,  but this just seems off. What's your opinion?

Hey Youngbuck...if it were me and I thought the girl was as beautiful as you have said, I'd give her another go...I'd take her out...I'd try to initiate laughter and physical contact and do whatever I could to loosen her up....you know maybe she is just SUPER freaked out and nervous...hell maybe she has never been with a man on a date before...who knows...I just wouldn't give up just yet.


Fathertime!

[Boethius]

Dump her.  She should adjust to you not you to her.

If you truly believe this, you will not have a happy marriage.

She is probably nervous.  It is not nothing to contemplate a possible relationship and life away from your family, your language, your country, your life, everything familiar, for the unknown with a stranger who may or may not be good to you.  Plus, a woman's world is very different from that of a man.

[YoungBuck]

 thanks for the suggestion. I'm going to drop off the tequila I  brought her father. I didn't get a chance to before,  so I'll try again then.
 it could be that my physical appearance or presence was not up to par,  but she saw the pictures,  heard me on the phone,  saw  me online,  and knew how I would behave etc..
I also expected something different, I expected more warmth,  and a genuine interest to date,  and be close,  not an icy reception. in my mind there is nothing that could have damaged her opinion of me. I'm afraid to say it,  but there's a reason why she's still looking. a  girl like that would not be single in any country. Her personality must suck,  and only in person can you really see how she treats those she's comfortable with.  but I'm just guessing here.  I'll try again tonight.

[Shadow]

Do not make too much excuses for her or yourself. Try to initiate contact and see how she is reacting. Just something as when walking trying to walk closer to her ande notice if she wants to keep a distance or starts holding  your arm.
If she remains cool, it is kitchen table time. Get her alone without disturbance in a calm setting, and explain how you believe she is not interested in a relationship.
Make it clear you would be interested, but it has to be mutual and as she is distant it is better to move in to the friend zone.
Should she indeed feel that way, your chances with the sister may become reality.

[Patagonie]

A lot of guys don't understand that till you meet nothing is won. Nothing replaces a true meeting. It was my motto on my ad when i was searching my mate. And ladies really understood and liked the message.
So you are now in the classical risk of a WMVO or WOVO : the girl takes cold feet just after you arrival, because simply she don't like you, probably because finally you don't pass her physical attraction test. Photos, skype, nothing can replace 75 kilos of a true man and how he interact with her. That is it.

But your job is now to validate or invalidated this hypothesis. You didn't give us her age. She is perhaps shy and nervous.
I propose you the three locations move. Go with her for few (long) hours and change of location three times and focus about her body language : does she touch you ? How close is she ? Did she ask you personal questions ? Does her way crosses your on the sidewalk ?
How does she breathe when she look at you ? How are changing her eyes when you talk to her ?

And make a decision in 48 hours, drop if necessary and restart your search.
This is the risk of the VO. The  crash is deep as the time you spent on it.

[Isthmus]

YoungBuck, that reserved and cold personality may just actually be her real personality. I recently travelled to meet a lady for the second time. Two trips abroad and many months of communication down the tube in a cold but polite sms. Not one to let things get me down I get straight back into it mid trip to meet other women on the hop and as luck would have it I meet a girl who gave me more genuine warmth and smiles in one two hour coffee date than from the other during two whole trips abroad.

There is no substitute for real chemistry between two people. It can't be manufactured, its either there or it's not.

[Patagonie]

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[YoungBuck]

 thanks again for the encouragement,  and I'll give this one the genuine college try,  but after this I'm done. I don't appreciate being treated as a sex tourist;  the responses I received from other women wasnt positive at all.  perhaps it's my age but this is too expensive and emotionally taxing to be a legitimate avenue.  I'll  be 31 soon,  and if I wanted a family I cannot be wasting time with fickle chicks,  Russian or otherwise.
I don't want to be a senior citizen for my kids graduation.  my dad had all of us  by 30, and we are a lot!

[Isthmus]

I totally understand where you are coming from YoungBuck.  I have had 3 WOVO trips (2 ladies) in the last year. I actually said to myself that if things didn't work out with the second lass I would pack it in as far as FSU dating was concerned and focus locally instead.  And then I unexpectefly met someone far more credible, warm and genuinely eager than the previous two. You never know what is around the corner 

Consider doing a WMVM trip.

[Faux Pas]

You said she was 23, already had her masters degree? I'm going to toss something out there, maybe she is just shy and inexperienced. She might even purposely be coming off as cold as her protectionism. She is likely a bit socially awkward and it takes her longer to warm up. Of course whether she does will depend on you. Were you just expecting her to fall to the floor with her legs wide open? Anything worth having is worth working for.

You haven't been precise about the circumstances but, it sounds as if you've just arrived? How much have you been together, how many times have you been out together without other people. What are your accommodation arrangements?

My first inclination would be that she is just inexperienced with relationships and will warm up to you in time if she qualifies you as worthy. My second is that she is not the least bit interested in you. The fact that you met her folks does not indicate that to be true. In summary, get to work wining, dining and 69'ing this gal. Romance her. Your there, she is with you and now you have to win her. Just because you are there does nothing to convince her you are a quality individual. You have to prove that to her.

[flitabout62]

I finally arrived in Russia to meet the girl I've been conversing with since February,  and all I can say is that she's ice cold.  Online,  she was all bubbly and warm but when I met her, it  felt like an interview more than anything else.
.
.
.
It's nothing that I have done or didn't do but she was distant, a  little rude to her dad when he asked her when she's visiting me in  los Angeles, and blew small things out of proportion.

If she is cold to you, it could be nerves.  But she should be friendly and have taken some responsibility for you as her guest during your stay there.  The main concern to me is her age.  She's accomplished much in education but hasn't really lived, IMO.  My guess is that she isn't ready for a relationship. If you had some times of mutual enjoyment or she was open to you, discussing a little about your personality, I'd say visit again.  But it's too darn expensive to see her again if you didn't have any chemistry.   

[Lily]

You said she was 23, already had her masters degree? I'm going to toss something out there, maybe she is just shy and inexperienced. She might even purposely be coming off as cold as her protectionism. She is likely a bit socially awkward and it takes her longer to warm up. Of course whether she does will depend on you. Were you just expecting her to fall to the floor with her legs wide open? Anything worth having is worth working for.

You haven't been precise about the circumstances but, it sounds as if you've just arrived? How much have you been together, how many times have you been out together without other people. What are your accommodation arrangements?

My first inclination would be that she is just inexperienced with relationships and will warm up to you in time if she qualifies you as worthy. My second is that she is not the least bit interested in you. The fact that you met her folks does not indicate that to be true. In summary, get to work wining, dining and 69'ing this gal. Romance her. Your there, she is with you and now you have to win her. Just because you are there does nothing to convince her you are a quality individual. You have to prove that to her.

+ 1

[Shadow]

If she is cold to you, it could be nerves.  But she should be friendly and have taken some responsibility for you as her guest during your stay there.  The main concern to me is her age.  She's accomplished much in education but hasn't really lived, IMO.  My guess is that she isn't ready for a relationship. If you had some times of mutual enjoyment or she was open to you, discussing a little about your personality, I'd say visit again.  But it's too darn expensive to see her again if you didn't have any chemistry.

Do not make excuses, women in Russia are not avoiding relations during study.
One of our friends had at age 20 already had multiple requests from guys to be married, however was not impressed by rich boyfriends who chased anything that breathes. At age 21 she traveled with a girlfriend through the USA to meet some distant relatives there. And no, she does not belong to a 'new Russian' family though obviously she is not poor.
Her sister was married to a German at age 23, and broke up at age 25.

While no two women are the same, to blame he behaviour on her age is equal to blaming it on cultural differences. Or to tell Youngbuck that he first needs to marry an AW and divorce to be able to appreciate it..

To Youngbuck: do not hurry in to marriage because you feel pressure of age or anything else. Your kids will call you old even if you had them at the age of 20.

[ML]

First, she finds you are not as attractive, interesting, etc., as she thought you were.  She is just not into you.  The meeting with family doesn't change this; that was long ago planned in her mind and in consultation with her family.

Second, you were foolish to do this WOVO trip.