Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

Hooked on Crack

[2tallbill]

Red Neck Bra

[2tallbill]

Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.

Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.

[Gator]

First correct answers wins a prize:

1.  Why is this policeman stopping the motorcylce?
2.  In what country was this photo taken?

[AnastassiaAsh]

what's the prize? 

[BC]

1 woman not wearing helmet
2. Czech Republic

[AnastassiaAsh]

Yes, 2tallbill, tooooo far! 

[BillyB]

1) Imparing the ability for others drivers to drive/Creating a hazard on the road.

2) Czech Republic.

When can I pick up the million dollars?

[Gator]

BC, correct!!!  

I should have excluded our members in Europe.

The prize is a long list of sincere, beautiful women just dying to meet you.  Two problems:  all are 40 or over and BC needs the list as much as I do.  

When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner.  Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant.  So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost.  He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.

[SANDRO43]

When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner.  Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant. So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost.

Well, I'd never been in that remote area of Parco del Ticino before, and you must admit that the map is rather simplified (http://www.lavecchiatrattoria.it/) .

He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.

It was only twice, I stopped to ask directions to some cyclists, and you were pissed off because of some recently-departed Cossack, IIRC, which may have clouded your recollections .

[Rvrwind]

2nd Best Canadian Joke of the year...

 An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the
States, waiting for their luggage.

 The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man also waiting.
 She asks her husband where he thinks the man is from.
 The husband says he doesn't know.
 He decides to ask the man and approaches him.

 "Where are you from?" he asks the man.

 "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" he replies.

 Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
 "Well, where is he from ?" asks the wife.
 "I don't know" replies the husband. "He doesn't speak English."

[Rvrwind]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200
women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and
said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied,
"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further,
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered,
"My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[Rvrwind]

Old prospector.

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of 
whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to 
the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and 
clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand 
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The gunslinger looked at the 
old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did 
dance.
I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old 
fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's 
feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and 
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both 
hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down 
both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No.  But I've always wanted 
to."

Don't mess with old farts . . :crackthewhip:

[Rvrwind]

Subject: Veterinary Medicine

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the cow's body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor, the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body".
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually all took there turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "the second most important quality is observation".
"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."
Now learn to pay attention, "Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[2tallbill]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[2tallbill]

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

[2tallbill]

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

[2tallbill]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[2tallbill]

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh!t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh!t like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

[2tallbill]

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[2tallbill]

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine
1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds

[2tallbill]

Another blond Joke......

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog that has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

[2tallbill]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

'Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! '

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

[2tallbill]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

[2tallbill]

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off." "No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins." So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory." "Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married." "Then how do you account for all of these things?" "Simple, Did you ever go into a Pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"