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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473688 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #825 on: April 23, 2008, 12:52:35 AM »
Butterface...........
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline AnastassiaAsh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #826 on: April 24, 2008, 09:38:45 AM »
I was the oldest of 6 kids two brothers and three sisters.
So I got more than my share of the house work. If only I thought
of this back then!!!!

Baby duster

This is really good Bill!  ;)

Offline Ridersfan

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #827 on: April 30, 2008, 12:31:38 AM »

   Do the Brits ever get tired of being red-faced. First the Heathrow Terminal debacle and now this new Government Agency logo.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1901656/OGC-unveils-new-logo-to-red-faces.html

Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #828 on: April 30, 2008, 01:13:20 PM »
Gotta love them Brits!  I particularly liked this quote, which was apparently said in all seriousness, "...it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”

Offline Jet

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #829 on: May 01, 2008, 01:12:32 PM »
2009 Tax Code ......
 
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around  unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
 
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
 
The brackets are as follows:
 
10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
  8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
  5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
  3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00
 
Males exceeding
12' must file capital gains.
 
Anyone under 4'
is eligible for a tax refund.
 
PLEASE DO NOT
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !
Every action in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. ~ Geo. Washington

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #830 on: May 01, 2008, 10:29:20 PM »
Romantic thoughts..........


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.





She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.





"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.



"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.





The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.





The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.



"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.





The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".





"I remember that too", she replies softly.





He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #831 on: May 04, 2008, 10:33:16 PM »
**Warning the following jokes have been stolen fair and square from AK Mike**

 Woodpecker Wisdom
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.

The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term
woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.



* * *

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.

)

* * *

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.



* * *

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.



* * *

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.



* * *

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



* * *

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.



* * *

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.



* * *

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Creation vs Evolution.

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children
And so was all mankind made.

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Free Drinks in Ireland
'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord

there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #832 on: May 08, 2008, 06:17:51 PM »
Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.



On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal?"

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #833 on: May 08, 2008, 08:31:00 PM »
you suck........
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #834 on: May 08, 2008, 10:18:18 PM »
Note this joke belongs to Tedd Goff
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #835 on: May 09, 2008, 04:41:14 PM »
Warning Corny Dirty Joke don't read if you are easily offended!!!


Laying Off Sarah or Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

 Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

 So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

 And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #836 on: May 09, 2008, 05:06:20 PM »
Dumbest Criminals.....

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>


hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Jet

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #837 on: May 09, 2008, 05:10:58 PM »
hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?

Don't try the embed feature at youtube, simply hit the youtube button above the "reply" box here, and copy/paste the URL of the youtube webpage you want to show.

Code: [Select]

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]


and you get:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]
Every action in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. ~ Geo. Washington

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #838 on: May 10, 2008, 07:23:35 PM »
Thanks Jet.............


****Warning next joke has a sexual word in it****

Two Southern Belles are having lunch and one says to the other, "Livvy, how DO you keep your skin so soft, do tell!"

Livvy says, "Why Magnolia, because you are my very DEAREST friend, I will give you my secret: every night I bathe in milk."

So Magnolia heads straight to the market after lunch and signals the stock clerk, "Son, son, come here. I need fifty gallons of milk. You see, I'm going to bathe in it to make my skin soft and lovely."

The clerk drawls, "Ok, ma'am. You need that milk pasturize?"

"Oh, no" she replies, "just up to my titties and then I'll splash it on my face."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Jet

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #839 on: May 12, 2008, 03:59:59 PM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'
Every action in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. ~ Geo. Washington

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #840 on: May 12, 2008, 04:58:04 PM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'


Jet I am sooooooo..........going to steal that joke.  :ROFL:


the parents of a 10 years old kid come home in the evening and they
 find in their son's bed a magazine. they take it to look what kind of
 magazine it is, and they have a shock. the magazine is a porn one, for sado
 masochists.

after 5 minutes of shock, the father says to his wife:

I think we should rethink the whole spanking thing.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #841 on: May 12, 2008, 05:03:21 PM »
Fashion Tips:
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #842 on: May 12, 2008, 05:05:11 PM »
Additional fashion tip for men:

if you were a thong shave your @ss
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #843 on: May 12, 2008, 05:43:51 PM »
When in deep $H!T..........
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #844 on: May 12, 2008, 05:48:34 PM »
Movies you will never see......
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #845 on: May 12, 2008, 05:57:11 PM »
This isn't actually that funny but something made me post this photo.

Maybe someone can come up with a catchy slogan for it making it funny......
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #846 on: May 12, 2008, 06:04:40 PM »
Here for an example is a photo that without a catchy comment wouldn't be very funny.................


Little Billy standing abreast his baby sitter.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant


« Last Edit: May 12, 2008, 06:19:45 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #847 on: May 12, 2008, 06:11:24 PM »
The reason men should not answer the phones or take messages
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline MaxxumUSA

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #848 on: May 12, 2008, 06:18:01 PM »
Little Billy standing abreast his baby sister.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant


Those are too long.  Try this one:

Back to having fun in life!

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  • Living the dream
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #849 on: May 12, 2008, 06:25:54 PM »
Bacon flow chart...........
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

 

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