Time for some Humor!!

[newjason]

Если Вы хотите выйти замуж за умного, красивого и богатого, Вам придется выходить замуж три раза 

LOL верно, верно и истинно   

[newjason]

Army Knives

[newjason]

There once was a family of poor folks who lived far far away from the city. As such they did not know much about city living and about advancements in technology but had heard a story from a local who told wild stories about the city.
One day, Papa , son and daughter decide to make a trip into the city and were amazed with all the tall buildings and the amount of people milling about.

They were resting on a bench across the street from a Shop with a Giant revolving glass door.  Papa watched as an old woman slowly walked up to  and through the  revolving door.
As the door continued moving around,  a Hot sexy 22 year old Russian woman dressed in high heels and a mini skirt emerges from the door.  Papa's Mouth dropped open in disbelief... and he said
"kids, quick,  run home and get your mother!"



 

[ML]

TALENTED YOUNG SALESMAN
 
 A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.
 
 The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
 
 The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'
 
 Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
 
 His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
 
 After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'
 
 The kid says, 'One.'
 
 The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
 
 The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
 
 The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
 
 The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook . Then I sold him a larger fishhook . Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'
 
 The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'
 
 The kid said:

'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his gal, and I said,

'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Eduard]

good one, ML! 

[ML]

Why am I so tired???
 
 For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason.
 
 I'm tired because I'm overworked.
 
 Here's why:
 
 The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!]
 
 9 million are retired.
 
 That leaves 11 million to do the work.
 
 There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
 
 Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work.
 
 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden
 
 Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
 
 Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.
 
 At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work.
 
 Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
 
 You and me.
 
 And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.
 
 Nice, real nice.

[ghost of moon goddess]

[The Natural]

 
 

[ML]

Two older men sitting on park bench:



"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."       


"So, what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[ML]

Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!

[The Natural]

Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!

Yeah, it's genious and has attracted some international attention and copy. By the way, these two guys I saw on a TV series yesterday. They were driving through Kazakstan. I didnt see all of it as I was at work, but they interviewed a retired speed skater from Alma Aty and showed guys surrounding their truck as they attempted to repair it and also when they put it into a local garage for repairs. Pretty OT for this site I guess, haha.

[Eduard]

I found this woman's profile a bit funny )) I just imagined seeing an ad like this in real estate section on CL )



 Я ищу:Парня   Кого я хочу найти:Продаю участок 8 соток на Алтае, не далеко от озеро Ая цена 500000; или меняю на авто, жилье.
 (Я только участок продаю, поэтому - Убедительная просьба: Секс не прелагать! куни - не предлагать!!!) Я Знакомлюсь:Без пары

[newjason]

A Man is in his house, home from a long day at work, when in strolls his son.
His son is kind of bouncing up and down, in a very very good mood, and kind of out of breath..
With a huge smile on his face

The father out of curuiusity asks why the son is in such good spirits?
The son replies: ohh  Dad, oh  wow,  dad, I JUST HAD SEX!!   

The father smiles, and says, that's great son!  So , you like that eh? 


Son says: Ohh Yeaahh, and I am going to do it again, really soon, As soon as my Ass stops hurting...

 

[newjason]

An Elderly Woman, a grand mother of 3 mature grand sons, is celebrating her 98th Bithday.
It is a big party and Each of her grandsons had prepared a very special gift for his grandmother
on her 98th birthday.

The first grandson, The Oldest, Presents her with the keys to a new
Condo on the beach, complete ready for her to move in. 
The second Grandson, Stood up, and presented
his granny with the keys to a brand new Red corvette convertable sports car.
The youngest Grandson
not wanting to be outdone by his older brothers had searched far and wide, across the globe for a gift
that no one else could possiblly find, when he encounterd a Man with a Talkiing Parrot,
the man explained, This is no ordianry talking parrot. This parrot can recite over 20 different passages from the BIBLE.
The grandson was so impressed he paied an obscene amount of money to get this Bird for his beloved grandmother.
So he presented it to her with with a proud demeanor, knowing that his brothers gifts were no way
even close to this talking parrot, who recites passages from the BIBLE!

 

About a week went by, and the 3 Boys decided to visit granny to see how she was doing and ask how she was liking her presents..
She was so happy to see them,  when the eldest grandson asked how she liked her new Condo. She said..
Oh  bless your heart,  but I am 98, I have no way to run around a huge place like that, Its soo big, I could never keep it clean, It would be som much work...
She looked at the Middle grandson and said, Oh and your sports car is soo pretty, But sonny, I am 98 and I can't even drive myself anymore..
She turned to the youngest grandson and  SMILED, and said,  But YOU..
Your gift was the greatest one of all !!!

She said, That was the BEST tasting chicken I ever ate in my whole life!!

[ghost of moon goddess]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI"!   

 

[newjason]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI"!   

 

LOL  nice Ghost

BaDa Bing BaDa Boom

[ghost of moon goddess]

This forum section has been created for everyone who is able to understand humor (or even humour!) 

[Spoon]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.There follows a tense minute of silence.

Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"

[SANDRO43]

A 0 meets an 8, stares, frowns and says:

"Take that belt off, you look ridiculous "

[ghost of moon goddess]

A 0 meets an 8, stares, frowns and says:

"Take that belt off, you look ridiculous "

[ML]

A woman recently spent a couple thousand dollars on a face lift . . . for her dog.

Apparently the dog was so ugly . . . that other dogs were sniffing its face.

[newjason]

Chat Excerpt


^{-Do you speak English}

--Yes

_-Name?

--Adolf Bumin

_-Sex?
--3 to 5 times a week

_{-No, I mean .. male/female?}

--Yes, male, female and Sometimes Camels

_{-Holy cow!}

-Yes, cows, sheep .. Animals in general

_{-Oh dear,}

--No, Deer run too fast

[newjason]

Hores

[newjason]

[newjason]