Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four and we saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

[2tallbill]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with  admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

 The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.   

"Little partner," the firefighter said.  "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[MaxxumUSA]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with  admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

 The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.   

"Little partner," the firefighter said.  "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

OMG

I think there's a siren in my house after laughing at this one

Thanks bill.

[Mamma D]

Not exactly humor.....But have a look....Beautiful.

 http://www.powerofattitudemovie.com/

Peace and love....

Mamma D

[catzenmouse]

Mamma D,

 That was beautiful. I could swear I saw some of those places when I lived in Canada. If not, they were mirrors.

 Hope all is going well with you and your wonderful family!

Ken

[acrzybear]

Mamma D

Very beautiful and inspiring-Thank you

[Mamma D]

Now talk about a bad situation...and making the best of things................almost!

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf     

[2tallbill]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She  tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that

[2tallbill]

Subject: Ed
 
 
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding  anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning", I expect to find a  gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift  box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to  the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a  brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for  him!

[Ste]

A penguin is drving into town for his weekly shopping and his car starts playing up, coughing, spluttering. No matter, the repair shop (garage in UK!) is nearby, so he drops the car off.

The nice repairman says no probelm, I'll take a look, so the penguin waddles off into town to buy hus shopping.

He reaches the frozen food store and decides to get his favourite frozen fish sticks, but as he looks he falls to temptation and buys four litres of vanilla ice cream instead. And messily scoffs the lot on the walk back to the car.

The car repair man his the car bonnet (hood!) up and he's stratching his head, in that reassuringly expensive way, and say's  to the approaching penguin...

'Looks like you blew a seal....'

And the penguin quickly answers, pointing at his beak, 'No, it's ice-cream'..........


     

[Ste]

Here's a classic I posted here before:

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if  I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f* *k off.

[2tallbill]

When a man found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
 sickly father died, hedecided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
 evening he went to a singles bar wherehe spotted the most beautiful woman he had
 ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breathaway.
    
    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
 
             her, "but in just aweek or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
 
             million dollars."
   
    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three

            days later, she becamehis stepmother.
   
    Women are so often much smarter than men...

[2tallbill]

The tax office decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to their office.
The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This
morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p--ss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[2tallbill]

THE LONE RANGER WAS AMBUSHED AND CAPTURED BY AN
ENEMY INDIAN WAR PARTY.
THE INDIAN CHIEF PROCLAIMS, "SO, YOU ARE THE
GREAT LONE RANGER. IN HONOR OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, YOU WILL BE EXECUTED IN THREE DAYS. BUT, BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE REQUESTS.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE."
THE CHIEF NODS AND SILVER IS BROUGHT BEFORE THE
LONE RANGER, WHO WHISPERS IN SILVER'S EAR AND THE HORSE GALLOPS > AWAY.

LATER THAT EVENING, SILVER RETURNS WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN ON HIS BACK. AS THE INDIAN CHIEF WATCHES, THE BLONDE
ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE NEXT MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF ADMITS HE'S IMPRESSED. "YOU HAVE A VERY FINE AND LOYAL HORSE BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU IN TWO DAYS.

WHAT IS YOUR SECOND REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER AGAIN ASKS TO SPEAK TO HIS HORSE.
SILVER IS BROUGHT TO HIM, AND HE AGAIN WHISPERS IN THE HORSE'S EAR. AS BEFORE, SILVER TAKES OFF ACROSS THE PLAINS AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON.

LATER THAT EVENING, TO THE CHIEF'S SURPRISE, SILVER AGAIN RETURNS, THIS TIME WITH A BRUNETTE, EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE BLONDE.
SHE ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF IS AGAIN
IMPRESSED. "YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF MANY TALENTS BUT I STILL KILL YOU TOMORROW.

"WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE....ALONE." THE CHIEF IS CURIOUS BUT HE AGREES AND SILVER IS
BROUGHT TO THE LONE RANGER'S TENT. ONCE THEY'RE ALONE, THE LONE
RANGER GRABS SILVER BY BOTH EARS, LOOKS HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE AND SAYS, "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY YOU DUMB ASS HORSE. FOR THE LAST TIME . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[2tallbill]

Q/ What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

A. "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

[acrzybear]

What are three words you never want to hear when you're having sex?



Honey I'm home!!

[2tallbill]

bear you crack me up!!!!

Bill

[Ste]

Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"

[2tallbill]

Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"

Australian Foreplay "You awake?"

American foreplay......

After I had sex with this young woman many years ago, I said to her "if I had known you were a virgin I would have taken a little more time"
She said to me "if you had taken a little more time I would have removed my panty hose"

[2tallbill]

A babuska gets pulled over for speeding...
Babushka: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Babushka: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Babushka: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Babushka: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Babushka: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Babushka: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Babushka: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Babushka: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Babushka: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Babushka: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Babushka: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The Babushka digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Babushka: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral of the story is........
Don't mess with Babushka's

[2tallbill]

Do you really know your theology?   
 

 

 

3 MEN IN HISTORY WALKED ON WATER

 

The 1st one was Christ...

 

The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...
 
 

 

Then there was this guy, Jose...

 

 

[2tallbill]

One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.


He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.


By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.


"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.


He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[2tallbill]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together
two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,"I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

[Icarus]

Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2.Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage roll and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.


3. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans

4. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6.The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[2tallbill]

One day little Yuri was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Yana said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Pavel said your head, 'cause you need it to think.

Little Yuri raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Yuri said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.

Yuri replied, "I was walking past my momma's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"