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Author Topic: The Sudden Silent treatment  (Read 3622 times)

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #125 on: January 13, 2018, 04:06:06 AM »
I posted this story because of two contradicting points:

1- She said she liked my friend but he liked her more and so they need to break up.

2- She then blocked all contact.

I've heard of the normal reasons for breaking up, I've even heard of people going silent.  But this kinda defies logic.  It could be she found another guy, just didn't like him anymore and didn't want to say it.  Or simply a language issue. I don't know her English abilities.

He was quite shaken up by this, I could tell he was heartbroken.  It may have even been his first real love.

Yeah it's good he learned about this and to move on.  He just needs some time to process it all first.


Oh, he loved her. OK that makes things simple, as I suspected. He loved her, she didn't love him, so she broke off all contacts not to lead him on. She explained this decision the best way she could. I suspect she was not educated by Hollywood to use the "I love you but I am not in love with you" or "it's not you, it's me" or "let's stay friends" safe rejection lines. Not using them defies logic? :rolleyes:

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.Would he prefer to be kept on the hook until she finds what she's looking for?
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Offline 2tallbill

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The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #126 on: January 13, 2018, 12:17:55 PM »

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.Would he prefer to be kept on the hook until she finds what she's looking for?

Excellent point!
By rejecting him and cutting ties, she frees him up to find his true love.
I tell men to do the same thing. The longer he spends with the old girl
the longer it will be before he finds the right girl. 

The real world isn't Hollywood. The girl isn't suddenly going to decide
the man she isn't attracted to is the man that she always wanted.

I know it's difficult for people to believe, but there are girls who have
rejected my handsome and charming self. I spent a lot of time and
efforts up front with a girl, hoping that things would work out but
when it didn't.

Once things didn't work out I had two choices.
1. Feel sorry for myself and mope around for the rest of the trip
2. Give myself a pep talk and find a better girl.
So, I did part of both. I spend one day feeling sorry for myself
AND giving myself a pep talk. The next day I would start searching
for a better girl.

I met my now wife Angel Eyes after going to Voronezh to meet a
different girl. It was 2 or 3 days after my pep talk that I found her.

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action, so be a man of action
Never make a promise that you can't keep.
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up

Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #127 on: January 13, 2018, 04:25:48 PM »
Guys living in Russia, don't get me wrong. I actually have admiration for westerners who moved to Russia for an extended period of time. It's courageous. Profoundly insane, but still courageous.  Безумству храбрых поём мы песню. At least I had lotsa help.  But you are immigrants now. Be immigrants. There are two sides to immigration. The positive side is you get to learn to live in a new world. The negative side is you get to learn to live in a new world. You certainly instantly move down the social status ladder. See which of the two experiences affects you more. I no longer read Russian expat sites in Canada, but when I was, every now and then someone would come out of the woods and say that Canadians are horrible because they don't do things the way we in Russia are used to do. They'd normally be laughed out of the building. 8) Integrate.

In my case, Iím completely disconnected from the expat community. I donít spend time with expats, almost donít know any expats, and donít follow any expat forums. My interactions are almost exclusively with Russians and I am quite happy with this arrangement.

I love Moscow and Iím happy here. Donít really feel any downsides personally and I donít really feel like Iíve gone down the social ladder here although definitely inadequate language skills Is a major disability that makes my life different than others.

Iím in Russia and happy Russians donít do things like Canadians. That will hopefully happen on the same day that hell freezes over!
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 05:10:09 PM by Bounder »

Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #128 on: January 13, 2018, 05:41:16 PM »
Bounder can you elaborate on their expectations? 

I didn't even try dating a non-English speaking girl.  No point.  My Russian is so bad that 90% of the conversation will be in English.

There was one time where I had a frustrating time. I scheduled a date for a walk in the park.  I said meet in front of the metro entrance.  She ended up driving and tried to pick me up in the car at some street corner.  This was a huge congested area and I couldn't figure out where she wanted to meet.  I said to park and go to the metro.  She insisted on the entrance to the park.  Now there were several "parks" and monuments, walking areas in this place.  I had never been here before.

I basically was wandering around for close to an hour trying to find it.  I kept telling her to go to the metro but she refused.  After 10 phone calls or so I eventually did find the entrance.  Funny thing it was no more than a 10-12 minute walk from the metro.  We were both fuming, me at her refusal to meet at the metro, and her at thinking it was easy to find the park entrance. 

Her English wasn't great but good enough to communicate.  It was more the attitude of her not compromising on figuring out a solution. 
At least she waited for me but it was one of the most silent walks I've ever had!

It's hard to elaborate on expectations as I am still trying to learn them.  I  can give some examples though - one time, we agreed to meet up between 9 and 9:15 at a mutual location.  She showed up at about 8:45 and I came at 9:10.  I was rebuked for not showing up on time and that it wasn't decent of me to make a girl wait.

Tried to contribute to shopping by being a participant rather than just pushing the cart and doing nothing.  It became a big issue, to the point that the shopping was cut short.  Apparently I was trying to question her and override her decisions.

It goes on and on.  Don't let anyone tell you that cultural misunderstandings aren't real.  It's something I deal with dating Russian women.  The more tolerant they are the better.  I try to remind them that we are from completely different cultures and that stuff is going to come up.

If you want to be successful with a Russian woman, be extremely open minded and prepare to get your ass wooped anyway.  You'll decide for yourself if it's worth it.

I don't mean to sound flippant.  This is what I have experienced and learned so far.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 07:54:00 PM by Bounder »

Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #129 on: January 13, 2018, 05:46:48 PM »
Oh, by "open-minded" I didn't mean to be a straight-jacketed liberal who already knows how the world works and is sufficiently "open-minded".  What I mean by open-minded, is take it easy when she's pissed off at you for no reason that you understand. And keep cool when she explains it and you still don't know what you've done wrong.  And when she uses words like "nigger", better to talk about that than judge.  That's what I mean by open-minded.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 06:02:21 PM by Bounder »

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #130 on: January 13, 2018, 07:40:05 PM »

I know it's difficult for people to believe, but there are girls who have
rejected my handsome and charming self.


 8)
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #131 on: January 13, 2018, 07:44:54 PM »

I love Moscow and Iím happy here. Donít really feel any downsides personally and I donít really feel like Iíve gone down the social ladder here although definitely inadequate language skills Is a major disability that makes my life different than others.




That should be your next step, learning Russian then, eh? Else how would you know what's going on if you don't understand what they are talking aboot?
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #132 on: January 13, 2018, 07:48:26 PM »
And when she uses words like "nigger", better to talk about that than judge. 


In English? Ouch...
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Offline Bounder

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #133 on: January 13, 2018, 07:48:51 PM »

That should be your next step, learning Russian then, eh? Else how would you know what's going on if you don't understand what they are talking aboot?

Learning Russian isn't the next step, it's been an ongoing thing since Day 1.  It takes time.  I know Russian well enough to make a scene in the grocery store.....hahaha

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #134 on: January 14, 2018, 05:01:15 AM »
Hmm, I am not sure you're dealing with something cultural here. You think Russians love making scenes and give grief to their friends for no particular reason?
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #135 on: January 14, 2018, 11:29:51 AM »
Hmm, I am not sure you're dealing with something cultural here. You think Russians love making scenes and give grief to their friends for no particular reason?

My use of the expression "make a scene" was meant to be cheeky.  Maybe I should have given a little bit more detail - I was referring to the progress of my language skills in Russian.  When I first came here, I didn't know much Russian and things I would have taken for granted before I came here suddenly became much different.  Take the grocery store for example - can't find something I'm looking for?  In Canada I would just ask.  Now in Russia, I just had to accept that I didn't have the ability to communicate what I was looking for and had to resign myself to walking away empty handed.  Same thing when the price of something was different than what I expected - In Canada I could simply ask, I Russia I just had to accept it and walk away none the wiser.  Or if I felt I had been (significantly) overcharged.  I just had to accept it.  Since that time, my Russian has progressed to the point where I can raise some of these things; however, the conversation then quickly goes well beyond my language level.  One time it happened when I thought I had been overcharged about 300ru on a 1200ru grocery bill.  So, I raised the issue because I now have the confidence to do so.  But it quickly became apparent to the cashier and every customer in the growing queue that I was a foreigner and my language skills were limited (that is what I meant by making a scene).  It was a cheeky reference to my own limitations in Russian.

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #136 on: January 14, 2018, 12:26:04 PM »
One time it happened when I thought I had been overcharged about 300ru on a 1200ru grocery bill.  So, I raised the issue because I now have the confidence to do so.  But it quickly became apparent to the cashier and every customer in the growing queue that I was a foreigner and my language skills were limited (that is what I meant by making a scene).  It was a cheeky reference to my own limitations in Russian.

Got it. So how did they react (I am curious)?

Russian isn't an easy language to pick up. I remember trying to explain to an American who was learning Russian why using a particular prefix would change the meaning a particular way. Eventually I gave up. I just said, because you must.
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Offline ML

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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #137 on: January 14, 2018, 12:55:43 PM »
I just said, because you must.

Oh my !!  Isn't this like when the parent says:  "Because I said so!!"  :-)
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Re: The Sudden Silent treatment
« Reply #138 on: January 14, 2018, 06:02:22 PM »
Oh my !!  Isn't this like when the parent says:  "Because I said so!!"  :-)
Yes. However since teaching grammar - in this case, the difference between past and perfect tense - has long been considered "too hard" on kids, what's the alternative ;)?
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