Time for some Humor!!

[knighta]

The rest.

[calmissile]

.

[Lily]

An ideal housewife:

 

[calmissile]

An ideal housewife:

Works for me.    LOL

[ML]

Works for me.    LOL

First gal is multi-tasking.

Not quite sure what second gal is doing.
I doubt she knows how to hang drywall.
But perhaps she can use panties to hold the drywall screws.

The panties and bra don't match.

[calmissile]

I am glad Lily has a sense of humor.  She knows how to entertain us guys.   LOL

[viking]

First gal is multi-tasking.

Not quite sure what second gal is doing.
I doubt she knows how to hang drywall.
But perhaps she can use panties to hold the drywall screws.

The panties and bra don't match.

The apron and shoes do !

[calmissile]

VASECTOMY

 A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes.  When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.  The man obeys.  The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top and has her way with him. 

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks "what that was all about?"

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has had an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.  While they are going down the hallway the patient looks through a window and sees six men in a room masturbating.  Curious, the man asks "what are they doing in there.?

The nurse responds, "they're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

[GQBlues]

Speaking of Obamacare...I forgot to wish everyone last January 1st -
 
HAPPY SANDRA FLUKE DAY!

[Lily]

 
Translation: Special Offer! 2nd castration is FREE! Bring a friend.
 


Two alligator ladies are talking:
"- What a nice bag! - Thank you, it's my ex"

[Lily]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v.”

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
******
Online dating dictionary:
ARTISTIC ... Drama Queen.
GIRLY .... Thick.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL .... Alcoholic.
I’M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES ... My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don’t get married I’ll be deported.
CHALLENGING ... High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY .... Frump.
LOYAL ... Stalker.
Adventurous ... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ... small breasts..
Average looking ... Moooo.
Beautiful ... Pathological liar.
GREAT PERSONALITY . Ugly as sin
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Financially secure. ... Has a job.
Friendship first . Former Slut.
Free Spirit ... Junkie.
Old-fashioned ... No oral.
Open-minded ... Desperate.
Outgoing ... Loud and embarrassing.
Wants soul mate ... Stalker.
Independent Thinker . .. Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable . . . Large.
Dynamic ... Pushy
Assertive . .. Pushy with a mean streak.
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE ... Gold digger.
Excited About Life’s Journey . .... No concept of reality.
Unpredictable . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . .. Lacking basic social skills.
Thoughtful:....... Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Staminia.......On Viagara or cilis
Likes long walks.............lost drivers license
Likes candlelit dinners......electric is turned off
Overseas........Scammer
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
40-ish .......49
Young at Heart . . . . Over 50.
Youthful . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . ... Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Single.......Married and sleazing
Separated................What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt him
Honest: ..........Pathological liar
Likes to cuddle: .....Insecure mama's boy
Educated .................. Fucked to death at college
Mature: ........Older than your father
Romantic .................. Frigid
Long Time Single......Penile challenged or Minute Man
Likes to travel...............Has no permanent addres
Log fires, beach walks.............will say whatever it takes to have sex
Separated............... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Friends first ........... impotent
Take things slowly.............impotent and wants to see you tits without pressure to perform
Adventurous.......wants sex in the car on the first date
Separated....... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Self- Employed..............unemployed and sells things on e-bay, insolvent
NEVER DONE THIS ...... Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first.
LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT ...... Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.
UNIQUE  Sex change.............. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.
NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS ............ I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am.
NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX.... I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.
Widow ..................... Murderer
Affectionate .... Horny.
Romantic ..... Horny.
Passionate ...... REALLY horny !!!

[ML]

Long Time Single......Penile challenged or Minute Ma

- - - -

What is a Minute Ma?

Or should it be:  Minute Man?

What is the analogy for a female?

[Lily]

Thank you so much ML for the alert. From the meaning, I think that it should be Minute Man.
My mistake, sorry. Corrected.

[Shadow]

Some are written in capitals. Is that a hint ? 

[Gator]

Lily,
Good ones!
 
 

Or should it be:  Minute Man?

What is the analogy for a female?

Sensual...........She wants at least 7 orgasms and requires more than one hour of tonguing,  hard pounding, back dooring, et al.  "Loving Dan" would not satisfy her.    ("Loving Dan" comes from this classic "Sixty Minute Man" from the roots of Rock n Roll):   
 

 

[tfcrew]

Too much vodka...

http://www.wimp.com/withjackhammers/

[ML]

 She wants at least 7 orgasms . . .

Seven . . . that just comes from foreplay. 

What are your numbers for 'real sex' (as my Gal calls it) ?

[ML]

On talk show last night, the host asked Bill Clinton:

How  is Hillary's head?

Bill:  She's no Monica.

[calmissile]

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in
Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry,
 fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our
 money back."


The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."


They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do
with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell
nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &
Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz
gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So
we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Limit all US politicians to two Terms.

One in office

One in prison

[ML]

Cartoons

[calmissile]

 
 
 
 
 
Subject: Fwd: Whorehouse Sues Church THIS IS TOO GOOD TO MISS!!!





 
MT. VERNON, TEXAS … WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
 
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
 
 
 

[calmissile]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

[calmissile]

An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was
feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His
wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I
know he won't ask for directions."

[BBC]

An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was
feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His
wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I
know he won't ask for directions."

Remarkable woman  ! What's her nationality?

[BBC]

President of Coca-Cola calls to Putin:

-   Mr. President! Few years ago you replaced the text for the national anthem of Russia, but decided to keep the same melody as in Soviet times. May be you also agree to come back to the red color of the national flag as in Soviet, just replace hammer symbol with word "Coca" and sickle with "Cola"? If so we would make sure that Russian budget deficit is noticeably reduced.

Putin whispers to Medvedev:
-   When the contract with Aquafresh is over?