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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 474066 times)

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Offline Shadow

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1975 on: February 26, 2014, 11:53:53 AM »
After the succes of Viktor An the Russian Olympic Comittiee has sent offers to:
The Canadian hockey team
The Dutch speed skating team
The German bobsleigh and rodeling team
The American slalom and snowboard team

Russia expects to have a huge amount of medals in the next Winter Games.
No it is not a dog. Its really how I look.  ;)

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1976 on: February 26, 2014, 11:58:02 AM »
After the succes of Viktor An the Russian Olympic Comittiee has sent offers to:
The Canadian hockey team (Men and Women)
The Dutch speed skating team
The German bobsleigh and rodeling team
The American slalom and snowboard team

Russia expects to have a huge amount of medals in the next Winter Games.

 :ROFL:
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline Shadow

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1977 on: February 26, 2014, 12:08:08 PM »
As punishment vor their performance in the Olympics, the Russian hockey team will be shot by the biathlon team.
This is not too harsh punishment, as nobody will die.
No it is not a dog. Its really how I look.  ;)

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1978 on: March 06, 2014, 10:08:06 AM »
Dating in 1958:

 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
 
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
 "Peggy will be down in just a few minutes.  So, what are you two planning to do tonight?" she asked.
 
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
 
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
 "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.  Open-mouthed smile

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
 "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
 
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
 Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
 
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1979 on: March 06, 2014, 10:10:31 AM »
Putin cracks them up
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1980 on: March 07, 2014, 05:01:53 PM »

 
'Hold on tight darling,
I wouldn't want to lose you!"
Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1981 on: March 07, 2014, 05:06:51 PM »
Her, "Just turn your head at her, and you are dead'  >:(
 
Him, ''Someone kill me''

Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1982 on: March 10, 2014, 09:20:55 PM »
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
 
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
 
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
 
“Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman.
 
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
 
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”
 
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
 
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
 
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1983 on: March 16, 2014, 10:49:33 AM »

 
"I swear you, for the Women's Day I wanted him to give me a creme, not the Crimea!''  8)
Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1984 on: March 17, 2014, 04:04:56 PM »
WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal –
 
 
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual -
___________________________________
 
 
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Douglas  MacArthur -
___________________________________
 
 
'Tracers work both ways.'
-Army Ordnance Manual-
___________________________________

Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal    -
___________________________________
 
 
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual    -
___________________________________
 
 
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit -
___________________________________
 
 
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-
___________________________________
 
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
___________________________________
 
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
___________________________________
 
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author-
___________________________________
 
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to
be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot -
___________________________________
 
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
___________________________________
 
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
___________________________________
 
'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
___________________________________
 
'What is the difference between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
___________________________________
 
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
___________________________________
 
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and  'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
___________________________________
 
'Airspeed, altitude and brains . Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
___________________________________
 
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground
incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..'
- Emergency Checklist-
___________________________________
 
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
-  Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
___________________________________
 
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in  peacetime.'
  - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -
___________________________________
 
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
-    Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
___________________________________
 
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1985 on: March 19, 2014, 01:02:46 PM »

 
The voice of women causes exhaustion in the male brain
 
Great Britain - A study using nuclear magnetic resonance techniques, conducted by Michael Hunter, a professor at the University of Sheffield (Great Britain), revealed that the female voice can produce exhaustion in the male brain. The female voice has more complex tones than the masculine voice, taking the entire listening area of the brain, while the man's voice occupies only a small portion of the female brain. According to Hunter, this is why women often complain that men do not listen but instead, the only thing that men do is disconnect due to purely physiological reasons.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1986 on: March 19, 2014, 01:07:51 PM »

 
The voice of women causes exhaustion in the male brain
 
Great Britain - A study using nuclear magnetic resonance techniques, conducted by Michael Hunter, a professor at the University of Sheffield (Great Britain), revealed that the female voice can produce exhaustion in the male brain. The female voice has more complex tones than the masculine voice, taking the entire listening area of the brain, while the man's voice occupies only a small portion of the female brain. According to Hunter, this is why women often complain that men do not listen but instead, the only thing that men do is disconnect due to purely physiological reasons.

Did you say something?
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1987 on: March 19, 2014, 01:11:30 PM »
Nope.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline BillyB

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1988 on: March 21, 2014, 05:00:10 PM »

Here's a link to a funny Youtube video.


My favorite part was when Obama scolded Putin and told him it's wrong to force people to accept something the majority of the people don't want. Putin in response said there is a word for that in Russia, it's called Obamacare.


Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1989 on: March 23, 2014, 01:13:57 AM »









Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1990 on: March 31, 2014, 11:49:58 AM »

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1991 on: April 08, 2014, 09:51:23 AM »
A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1992 on: April 12, 2014, 02:46:11 PM »
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for
her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fock
it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I
remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:00 on weekends.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's
Olympic 100 meter final.
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two
handsome brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1993 on: April 14, 2014, 05:19:01 PM »
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.  The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1994 on: April 16, 2014, 09:44:45 AM »
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.  The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

I like it.   8)

Short and to the point !!
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Larry1

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1995 on: April 16, 2014, 11:08:10 AM »
We're approaching Easter, but it appears that a few christian people really dislike the holiday.  This isn't really a joke but I didn't know which thread to put it in.  It sounds like something from the satirical magazine "The Onion". Since this forum is read by some people who aren't fluent in English I should point out that Lucifer is a name for the devil.

Quote
Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility... "In the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster."  Dr. Cameroon explains that it doesn't matter what god or idol the Pagans were humping under on Easter Sunday...

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/eastereggs.html

hat tip to Professor Munger at http://mungowitzend.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-wiliest-tools-of-devil.html

Perhaps I should also point out that the pagans he is talking about could not have been humping like bunnies in an attempt to make their tomatoes grow faster.  Tomatoes originated in South America and were not brought across the Atlantic until at least 1500, long after the pre-Christian pagan era this guy writes about.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2014, 11:13:38 AM by Larry1 »

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1996 on: April 16, 2014, 04:09:30 PM »
Since this forum is read by some people who aren't fluent in English I should point out that Lucifer is a name for the devil.
As it happens, Lucifer is a Latin name meaning "carrier of light", and was often applied to the planet Venus, the brightest object in our sky after the Sun and Moon.

Quote
The word kept its original positive sense for early Christians, as is evident from its use as a personal name by, among others, two 4th-century bishops, Lucifer of Cagliari and Lucifer of Siena, and its appearance in the Easter Proclamation as a description of Jesus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer

Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\.
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1997 on: April 16, 2014, 04:35:29 PM »
As it happens, Lucifer is a Latin name meaning "carrier of light", and was often applied to the planet Venus, the brightest object in our sky after the Sun and Moon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer

Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\ .

 :applaud:

Always reliable Sandro.

And if my memory serves me right, the reason why Venus, aka morning star, is as bright as it is is because the planet is blanketed by an acidic cloud/athmosphere which only absorbs nearly a quarter of the sun's light and reflects the rest back.

Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1998 on: April 16, 2014, 05:25:30 PM »
the planet is blanketed by an acidic cloud/athmosphere which only absorbs nearly a quarter of the sun's light and reflects the rest back.
Yes:
Quote
Venus is shrouded by an opaque layer of highly reflective clouds of sulfuric acid.
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1999 on: April 17, 2014, 08:20:32 AM »
Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\ .

During the Oscurantismo.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

 

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