Time for some Humor!!

[Gator]

1) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 
2) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Jenna.
 
3) Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.   It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
 
4) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
 
5) A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
 
6) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
 
7) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

[Faux Pas]

Gator thats just damn funny

 

[I/O]

 
 
Dunno if this cuts it outside Au but when you buy something from the shop and the checkout operator asks if you'd like a 10 cent  'bag' it opens up quite a few opportunities....................

[tfcrew]

 What do you call a woman with one back eye?
 A quick learner.

What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?
  Nothing- she has already been told twice

How many men does it take to open a beer?
 Shouldn't take any...  it better be open when she brings it to you.

How do you make your wife scream while having sex?
   Call her and tell her about it.
   

[ghost of moon goddess]

 

[Gator]

Ghost,

Far from the RW's image of a strong man.   

You definitely have a British SOH.  John Cleese fan?   If yes, you have a remarkable command of English because such skits use many euphemisms.  Such as the famous episode of the Dead Parrot:
 

 
 
 
What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites?  It fuses American with British humor.

[Vinnvinny]

Just saw a whale wash up on the beach.

You should have seen the f*cking size of the rubber gloves.

[calmissile]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months
from then pending the review boards decision...

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...

Next year if HE gets another term you'll HAVE to go to a vet !!!

[SANDRO43]

What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites?

Where he said lines in Italian AND Russian :

His and Otto's Italian lines were dubbed as Spanish in the version released here . After Monty Python, he appeared in two Fawlty Towers series. Were they aired in the States?

[Vinnvinny]

What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites?  It fuses American with British humor.

I preferred A Fish Called Wanda myself, it was such a Ripping Yarn. 

[ghost of moon goddess]

What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites?  It fuses American with British humor.

Well, I was considering to write a compliant letter to «A fish called Wanda» team to express my concern about the use of strong language, explicit sex talks, not to mention a depiction of sex (hopefully simulated ???).

But then I changed my mind and thanked God for staying alive after my laughing so hard on some scenes 

I'll be right back, take your clothes off   LOL

[The Natural]

I showed an episode of Fawlty Towers to a couple from Spain who were couch-surfing in my home. They didn't find it too funny. Not because they were offended by the character Manuel from Barcelona, but it wasn't funny for them because his (Andrew Sachs) Spanish were with a strong accent. In Spain, the character of Manuel has a south-american accent while the others are of course dubbed into Castellano.

[Shadow]

I showed an episode of Fawlty Towers to a couple from Spain who were couch-surfing in my home. They didn't find it too funny. Not because they were offended by the character Manuel from Barcelona, but it wasn't funny for them because his (Andrew Sachs) Spanish were with a strong accent. In Spain, the character of Manuel has a south-american accent while the others are of course dubbed into Castellano.

That is a usual problem. Most Russians in American movies are also somewhere between pure comedy and insulting to native speakers.
Good thing nobody ever tried a parody on the Dutch speaking our famous Dunglish.

[SANDRO43]

And what would the French say of these ?

[Gylden]

After being married for 33 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."thirty three years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl".

"Now ... I have a $900,000.00 home, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 56-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Gator]

Sandro,  Fawlty Towers was aired on the PBS channel, which stands for Public Broadcasting (no commercials). 

I am not sure of the timing but I believe it came after Taxi and then Cheers, both very successful network sitcoms.   I was a fan but missed many episodes, preferring Taxi and Cheers for my limited time.  Were there many Fawlty episodes?
 
Ghost of Moon Goddess - are you giving us a hint of your wild side, pardon me "naughty side"?

[The Natural]

I am not sure of the timing but I believe it came after Taxi and then Cheers, both very successful network sitcoms.   I was a fan but missed many episodes, preferring Taxi and Cheers for my limited time.  Were there many Fawlty episodes?
 

I believe there were a total of 12 episodes. First ones made in 1975 and last ones in 1979 if I remember correctly. You can actually watch them on youtube. My girl and I watched two episodes yesterday, one was Basil the rat and the other was The Germans (Don't mention the war, as Basil urged his staff).

[The Natural]

[ghost of moon goddess]

Ghost of Moon Goddess - are you giving us a hint of your wild side, pardon me "naughty side"?

Giving you a hint ?     Well, if you absolutely insist...  I can't bear to disappoint you, Gator!

Have a fun-filled weekend !!!  

[Belvis]

When a cruise ship sank 4 men of different age have saved themselves on a small island. Then they see a few semi-naked girls on another island nearby.
20 y.o. man jumps into the water and swims towards the girls.
30 y.o. man: "Water is cold. Let's make a raft and go to the girls."
50 y.o. man: "Hey, guys, we're not in a hurry. Let's wait and they'll come to us."
70 y.o. man: "Well, why we should go there? I can have a good look at them from here."
_______________________________________________

A building contractor returns in Moscow after a long term business trip in Africa. A small marmoset sits on his shoulder. Friends gather round the man, ask him:
- Come on, man, tell us about Africa. What's the situation there with women?
- Guys, it's very hot there. Too much sun.
- What african women look like? Could you date them?
- Water was not good in my village, I had to cook myself.
- Man, we're asking you about local chicks.
- I have tired there, really. A lot of work in jungle.
- Hey, hey, what about chicks?
The marmoset pulls man's ear:
- Papa, tell them about chicks there at last!
_______________________________________________

On the day before wedding a young man tell his bride and future MIL:
- Listen here, women. I want you to come to the ceremony at 11.15 a.m. precisely. Then you cook a special meal to treat my friends, entertain them, take care of drunkens.
When the bridegroom has gone out MIL says with displeasure:
- See, what a boss. He likes to order already.
The bride smiles:
- That's O.K., mom. He may have the last wish.

[ML]

Pics

[GQBlues]

Apparently, a rising star is born in the image of a Chinese version of Robin Williams peddling goods and souvenirs aboard the Vladivostok's Siberian Railways to the delight of all the passengers.

The hysterics are mainly found in his Chinese-accented Russian. That and just his overall demeanor. He's become very popular in the Eastern parts of Russia.

[Gator]

Giving you a hint ?     Well, if you absolutely insist...  I can't bear to disappoint you, Gator!

Superb compilation of Monty Python.  Thank you.  It seems that to win your heart a man must make you laugh.   As it should be.

[ghost of moon goddess]

It seems that to win your heart a well-fed, well-bred, high-brow gentleman must make you laugh and
give you healthy goosebumps at first sight

There fixed that for "HIM" 

[Gator]

There fixed that for "HIM" 

    Reasonable.  I hope you meet him soon.
 
I got goosebumps frequently (or more like tingling sensations, [inject a British "sorry"]) .   What happened rarely in my case was not at first sight but later when chatting and realizing for the first time that she is indeed special.   Then sometimes the "moment" happens.  The light is low, and while talking softly about something serious  I see this closeup of her face that seemed like a glorious dream.   Time would freeze.    I could barely breathe.  Those few women became part of my life.