Did you help to her financially?

[Daknack]

Actually I think it was the women need to get $ from men to feel like a woman that got people riled up.  I know thats whats got me riled up.

There isnt anyone here that is saying dont give things to your wife and leave them in the cold.  There is NO ONE here that has suggested it and I resent being painted with that brush.  But Im not going to send $ to a girlfriend.  Hell I dont pass out money to my family without a damn good cause.  Throwing $ around so a girlfriend feels like a woman is stupid and thinking it is OK only enable scammers to do what they do.

Ill conceed that possibly... her English is poor and she really doesnt understand how it looks to say something like that.



I am worried though Ken thinking on that.  I am rather wall flowerish, demure, quiet, and I tend to vacilate.  I might get walked all over!  YIPES!

[catzenmouse]

Actually I think it was the women need to get $ from men to feel like a woman that got people riled up.  I know thats whats got me riled up.

There isnt anyone here that is saying dont give things to your wife and leave them in the cold.  There is NO ONE here that has suggested it and I resent being painted with that brush.  But Im not going to send $ to a girlfriend.  Hell I dont pass out money to my family without a damn good cause.  Throwing $ around so a girlfriend feels like a woman is stupid and thinking it is OK only enable scammers to do what they do.

Ill conceed that possibly... her English is poor and she really doesnt understand how it looks to say something like that.

I am worried though Ken thinking on that.  I am rather wall flowerish, demure, quiet, and I tend to vacilate.  I might get walked all over!  YIPES!

Daknack,

 Yuppers, I have always pictured you as the shy self conscious type...

 She never said girlfriend. This is a girl who is engaged and is asking about this situation. Hell, I totally agree with you regarding girlfriends. And I would sooner give money to a bum than I would to everyone in my family except my mother. For her, I'll do anything I can. The rest of them can go take a flying XXXX at the moon!

Ken

[Wild Orchid*]

Wild Orchid Yes I am white and fluffy-literally. In russian,I would explain you much more,if you,an ex-fsu woman,dont understand what I mean. And yes-I am better than more,believe me But I have doubts you ill agree this Anyway,this is your own problem,not mine.

  What else can I do, if I'm not good enough for you? If your English was as good as you are may be there was no misunderstanding?
And ehhh... I don't have any problems, especially with you.

My husband was and is helping me when I need it; he is not a loser who has to prove his love with his money. You are looking for something different obviously. May be that's what "better" girls suppose to do, I don't know... 

[Daknack]

Daknack,

 Yuppers, I have always pictured you as the shy self conscious type...

 She never said girlfriend. This is a girl who is engaged and is asking about this situation. Hell, I totally agree with you regarding girlfriends. And I would sooner give money to a bum than I would to everyone in my family except my mother. For her, I'll do anything I can. The rest of them can go take a flying XXXX at the moon!

Ken

We got alot in common! After finals Im comming for that beer!

[catzenmouse]

We got alot in common! After finals Im comming for that beer!

Daknack,

 When are finals over? We'll be in Russia from June 10th through the 26th. Let's plan a get together sometime in July. Maybe get SoC to tag along.

Ken

[KenC]

I see Ken and AJ posting to defend sending money to their wives or fiancee's because of serious needs.  And I see "a Fiancee" saying something completely different.  She is saying that an AM should automatically begin sending a regular allowance to improve their RW's lifestyle. I agree with Ken & AJ that you help the ones you love if you can, but I disagree with "a Fiancee" that regular payment should be a given. Under her scenario, a man should be expected to pay for the friendship of a RW.  I think this is wrong. I will even take it a step further too. Even if you are engaged, I do not think it is right for the woman to expect the man to put her on the payroll. As I said before, help her out with problems? No problem. But to give her a continuous flow of cash for extra unnecessary things? No way.
KenC

[BC]

Ken,

Reading fiancee's first post it clearly states:

So the question is. Did you help to your fiancee on a regular basis and how much did you send if yes.

Under these circumstances we are not talking GF material.

Surely the man should be a lot more sensitive to the needs of someone he will marry.

[Zhena]

  What else can I do, if I'm not good enough for you? If your English was as good as you are may be there was no misunderstanding?
And ehhh... I don't have any problems, especially with you.

My husband was and is helping me when I need it; he is not a loser who has to prove his love with his money. You are looking for something different obviously. May be that's what "better" girls suppose to do, I don't know... 

So thats the losers prove their love with money...he-he...I thought the losers are who doesnt have the money. I was mistaken I guess.

[Zhena]

And,a Wild Orchid, I dont understand why you r so irritated? You r not a man who needs to prove his love with the money. My english irritate you? So I never visited any classes-only myself! I think its enough good level for self-education.
So maybe you offended about the poor guys? Well I know,you wanted to say that not all fsu women are so bad as me.


When I studied at medical university,I had a teacher. A woman in her 50ths. So I remember very good how she said: all what I have I got myself only. Noone never gave me anything...She sounded very regreting. She felt lonely,strong and successful,but lonely. She didnt expect anythign from anyone. She didnt look like a woman also-more like a man.

[Noleman]

I fall into the catagory of one must do what one feels is the right thing to do.  Obviously each situation is going to be different for any couple, but letting her know that I am willing to step up to the plate before we are married and show her a variety of ways of taking care of her and her son has gone a long ways in relieving any doubts that she might have had of my ability to support them once they are here and we are married.

As we now await for the K-1 approval I send my fiancee' a small set amount each month (nothing extravagent by any stretch of the imagination ), but just enough to help with some of her expenses, especially since she has recently sold her own business in preperation for the move here to the US.  And having been there several times with her already I know that she is putting that money to good and proper use.

As with any couple finances plays such an important part of any relationship, and covering all of the bases the best way that I can has proven to be of great value and comfort to us both.

Noleman

[Todd]

We talked a great deal about this issue prior to her coming.  We figured that she could continue working at her job and finish her thesis 6-8 months later OR I could send her less than a week's wages to get her here sooner.  To me, it was a no brainer; however, it took me a month to convince my wife.  (Score one for me!  One of the few that I won!)

[Muj]

I see no issue in sending the money to help.  This not only helps her in everyday life but reaffirms his support of her in the US.

[Shadow]

I see no issue in sending the money to help.  This not only helps her in everyday life but reaffirms his support of her in the US.

A mistake I made in the past. I sent money to help her out of a difficult situation. No harm, what was wrong in supporting her as I would do in the future for the rest of my life anyway ? I discovered later that is was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
By supporting her the man thinks he is giving her love. But for the woman money is not love. She will not love or respect him more for him sending it to her. And by sending the money, often small gifts and romantic things are not done because 'she is supported already'.
It creates a pattern of habit, and kills the suprise of romance. When this is left over an extended period of time (6 months to 1 year) there is a chance of her falling in love with someone else. Then the support money becomes a burden, as she feels guilty of telling because of using the money for a long time. It will come out ony when there is no other way.

Sending money is not bad, but ony for things which are necessary, and would be an extra burden on her. By sending money to help you risk to spoil the relationship.

[PeeWee]

I see Ken and AJ posting to defend sending money to their wives or fiancee's because of serious needs.  And I see "a Fiancee" saying something completely different.  She is saying that an AM should automatically begin sending a regular allowance to improve their RW's lifestyle. I agree with Ken & AJ that you help the ones you love if you can, but I disagree with "a Fiancee" that regular payment should be a given. Under her scenario, a man should be expected to pay for the friendship of a RW.  I think this is wrong. I will even take it a step further too. Even if you are engaged, I do not think it is right for the woman to expect the man to put her on the payroll. As I said before, help her out with problems? No problem. But to give her a continuous flow of cash for extra unnecessary things? No way.
KenC

Amen.  In my limited 5 year experience with dating RW I have not sent money. With the exception of one emergency situation where my friend was stranded in NY with her daughter. She had all of her CC stolen and need money for hotel, food, and other things. Paid for it all. But not in the three years that we dated did I send a dime to help her with her expenses, nor did she ask.

Lady number two lived in Vlad-k. Not once in two years did she ask for or receive money from me. I sent only gifts and flowers, as any man would.

Now comes lady number three. After three months in camp she has not asked and I have  not offered. She told me of her friend who married an American and how he used to send to her money. She could not understand it. I am sure she would not refuse my offer but why would I offer. My new friend has made it thus far in her life without me and my bank account. No reason for me to step in with my bank account in had.

I believe that most of these women who ask these guys for money are simply milking them because they can. Or because they had the plan to get money from the next schmoe that came into their life from the get go. It does not seem like a good habit to begin. The level of expection was not there to start with so why raise the bar without cause?

If she asks for the money that might just be your red flag. If you offer the money without her asking then you might just run the risk of insulting her. If she hints about the money but does not ask for it then you still might have a red flag. Obviously I am against sending money unless it is in the form of an occasional gift.

Peewee

[Muj]

I fall into the catagory of one must do what one feels is the right thing to do.  Obviously each situation is going to be different for any couple, but letting her know that I am willing to step up to the plate before we are married and show her a variety of ways of taking care of her and her son has gone a long ways in relieving any doubts that she might have had of my ability to support them once they are here and we are married.

As we now await for the K-1 approval I send my fiancee' a small set amount each month (nothing extravagent by any stretch of the imagination ), but just enough to help with some of her expenses, especially since she has recently sold her own business in preperation for the move here to the US.  And having been there several times with her already I know that she is putting that money to good and proper use.

As with any couple finances plays such an important part of any relationship, and covering all of the bases the best way that I can has proven to be of great value and comfort to us both.

Noleman

Noleman,

When did you file your 129f?

[PeeWee]

A mistake I made in the past. I sent money to help her out of a difficult situation. No harm, what was wrong in supporting her as I would do in the future for the rest of my life anyway ? I discovered later that is was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
By supporting her the man thinks he is giving her love. But for the woman money is not love. She will not love or respect him more for him sending it to her. And by sending the money, often small gifts and romantic things are not done because 'she is supported already'.
It creates a pattern of habit, and kills the suprise of romance. When this is left over an extended period of time (6 months to 1 year) there is a chance of her falling in love with someone else. Then the support money becomes a burden, as she feels guilty of telling because of using the money for a long time. It will come out ony when there is no other way.

Sending money is not bad, but ony for things which are necessary, and would be an extra burden on her. By sending money to help you risk to spoil the relationship.

My second amen of the day goes out to the Shadow Man. We all know that at some point in the relationship the subject of finances has to be broached. Lena and I had the discussion a couple of days ago. I liked what I  heard her telling me about shopping. "Money saved by good shopping is like getting a second income."  So Russian, so pragmatic. I like it!

Peewee

Peewee

[Daknack]

My second amen of the day goes out to the Shadow Man. We all know that at some point in the relationship the subject of finances has to be broached. Lena and I had the discussion a couple of days ago. I liked what I  heard her telling me about shopping. "Money saved by good shopping is like getting a second income."  So Russian, so pragmatic. I like it!

Peewee

Peewee

That can be just as messy and an excuse to spend more money.  While its good to save $ on a needed buy, your throwing $ away if you buy something on sale that is not needed while saying that your actually saving.  Never think of saving and spending as the same.  They are not.  Thinking that way puts you in the poor house.  Rather thing of it as spending less.  Its not as flashy and feel good a word as "saving" but its alot more honest and less self destructive.

[Turboguy]

Ah, that is why the gals come back with a carload of goodies they never knew they needed until they saw it on sale and say "Oh, I saved a lot of money today"

[BC]

hehe Turbo..

Yeah.. need vs want is a tough boat to row..

I'm a minimalist and try to concentrate on needs, but I also realize that wants in life also have to be addressed.. just not all at one time.. please! 

That new tool always seems to be more 'needy' than a salad shooter!

[Muj]

Shadow,

Money is not love, sorry you're confused.

[Muj]

Pee Wee,

Many men send their fiancee's money and then proceed to successful marriages.  So you say the failure of your past relationship is solely due to sending money?  Also I notice that the well established women dont normally require any help.  The younger women generally require help.

[Shadow]

Shadow,

Money is not love, sorry you're confused.

I was never confused about it. My mistake was not sending the money, but making her life so comfortable she had time to think about other things than being together. My biggest mistake was thinking it would be better to let her wait there than being in an uncomfortable situation with me. I never regretted sending her the money, and maintain friendship with her until today. This is where I am different from others, I was never buying her love.

[PeeWee]

Pee Wee,

Many men send their fiancee's money and then proceed to successful marriages.  So you say the failure of your past relationship is solely due to sending money?  Also I notice that the well established women dont normally require any help.  The younger women generally require help.

I am sure they do have successful marriages, engaged. I did not say that any of my relationships were failures. I also said that if the lady had made it to whatever age in life that she had achieved, prior to meeting her man, then why now does she all of a sudden need his money to survive on? It's suspect to me, that is all.

I also said that when I consider the 4 or 5 RW that I have dated that not once had I sent money to them, other than an occasional gift. None of them asked, with one exception where my friend Svetlana was stranded in NY with no money for food and hotel because her CC had been stolen. I flew to new york, got her a hotel for her and her daughter, paid for all of their food for three days, took the little one shopping for school clothes, and sent them on there merry way. Which clearly shows that I will send money if the need arises but not as a practice of habit.

Peewee

[Jumper]

peewee - i agree with your sentiments in general,,
but specific situations its not so black and white, there seems plenty of room for shades of gray?
especially in the situations many men face.

of the 5 , where you engaged to any of them?

where any of them truly struggling?

regardless of how she made it long before i came along,
i could see she was struggling, really barely getting by.
 and too proud to ever ask anyone for anything.
but i had EYES, i could see her income verses the cost of managing to just get by.I knew her lifestyle well, its grey and hard.
could she continue in it? of course.
did i mind bringing a little color to that grey lifestyle?
 not at all!!!!!!!!!

if in the worse case she had misused the situatioin,
i would consider it money EXTREEMLY well spent!
as you would then know  her true character.
 is that buying love?

IMHO shadow dint make any mistake,he found out valuble information.
do you REALLY feel that had he not helped her, and she had moved toi be with him, their story would have changed?
happily ever after right?

I do understand a person can go over board with sending money for extravagences,and vcreate false expectations.

in my mind
when things are within REASON,
 money, or lack of it,
 doesnt change a persons  character,
it reveals it!


Being engaged with full intent to marry, i would find it ridiculas to not help  given our specific situation.
i cared if the offer insulted her,but she could see it for what it was,
simple concern  for someone you love,  or get over it.
of course the subject was broached with tact.

If she had asked for assistence , I still would not have considered it a red flag.

 SHE should consider it a red flag if i'm so concerned about money , that i would sit back and watch her struggle ,while being completely capable of making things so much better.

especially if using the thought of, 
*well she made it fine before i came along*

you arnt rescuing anyone, but she sure as hell doesnt need a man in her life that doesnt care enough to help her when she is in obviuos need.
Thats many RW's pragmatisism.
Your *Johnson* isnt fundamentally any differnt than the next guys
she can date locally plenty of men that cant, or wont, help her in life.

What you have to offer is character, and it shows pretty poorly on it,
 if you would sit back and watch someone languish while living the precieved good life.

you can call it buying love?
and if you are just sending money for no real reason, to spoil her ,
 that may be the case..

but there are plenty of RW cases where the need would easily justify the action.

 I enjoy spoiling my wife, to be honest, and wish i could do more of it.
because she has never taken it for granted , and deeply appreciates it.

If i was *greedy* and had sat back while watching her struggle to fund
 not only her life , but the added expensies in preperation for relocating here.. her thoughts on this particular man, would be deeply effected, and justifiably so.

[PeeWee]

peewee - i agree with your sentiments in general,,
but specific situations its not so black and white, there seems plenty of room for shades of gray?
especially in the situations many men face.

of the 5 , where you engaged to any of them?

where any of them truly struggling?

regardless of how she made it long before i came along,
i could see she was struggling, really barely getting by.
 and too proud to ever ask anyone for anything.
but i had EYES, i could see her income verses the cost of managing to just get by.I knew her lifestyle well, its grey and hard.
could she continue in it? of course.
did i mind bringing a little color to that grey lifestyle?
 not at all!!!!!!!!!

if in the worse case she had misused the situatioin,
i would consider it money EXTREEMLY well spent!
as you would then know  her true character.
 is that buying love?

IMHO shadow dint make any mistake,he found out valuble information.
do you REALLY feel that had he not helped her, and she had moved toi be with him, their story would have changed?
happily ever after right?

I do understand a person can go over board with sending money for extravagences,and vcreate false expectations.

in my mind
when things are within REASON,
 money, or lack of it,
 doesnt change a persons  character,
it reveals it!


Being engaged with full intent to marry, i would find it ridiculas to not help  given our specific situation.
i cared if the offer insulted her,but she could see it for what it was,
simple concern  for someone you love,  or get over it.
of course the subject was broached with tact.

If she had asked for assistence , I still would not have considered it a red flag.

 SHE should consider it a red flag if i'm so concerned about money , that i would sit back and watch her struggle ,while being completely capable of making things so much better.

especially if using the thought of, 
*well she made it fine before i came along*

you arnt rescuing anyone, but she sure as hell doesnt need a man in her life that doesnt care enough to help her when she is in obviuos need.
Thats many RW's pragmatisism.
Your *Johnson* isnt fundamentally any differnt than the next guys
she can date locally plenty of men that cant, or wont, help her in life.

What you have to offer is character, and it shows pretty poorly on it,
 if you would sit back and watch someone languish while living the precieved good life.

you can call it buying love?
and if you are just sending money for no real reason, to spoil her ,
 that may be the case..

but there are plenty of RW cases where the need would easily justify the action.

 I enjoy spoiling my wife, to be honest, and wish i could do more of it.
because she has never taken it for granted , and deeply appreciates it.

If i was *greedy* and had sat back while watching her struggle to fund
 not only her life , but the added expensies in preperation for relocating here.. her thoughts on this particular man, would be deeply effected, and justifiably so.

AJ!!! You must know me by now. I am either black or I'm white. It is either  hot or it's not. Either you are in or you are out. I have never really been a "gray" guy...except for my hair, of late. I mean I can be flexible if I have to and even reasonable when I need to, but if I have a policy I stick to it.

Call it a flaw in my character yet it has worked for me over the years. Well at least I am still alive anyway. And too those that are anound me have come to realize it about me. This works very well for me in business situations, I don't flex much. As a result we get to the business at hand or we don't. That saves a lot of everyone's time.  What is that saying, and I really hate it by the way, "Money talks and bull**** walks."

With regard to this posting I do believe that by me not offering to send her money that I avoid having to ever wonder if I have a woman who loves me for who I am or is she a woman that I bought and paid for? Just because I don't agree with the practice I can say "each to his own."

peewee