Time for some Humor!!

[Mamma D]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
 
The first woman had a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, got new make-up, bought several new outfits, then dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
 
The man was impressed.

The second woman bought gifts for the man. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
 
Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She returned the $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
 
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. (Men are like that, you know.)

[2tallbill]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked little Sergie what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked little Yuri what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Pavel what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Pavel thought real hard about it (didn't want to use baby talk), then puffed out his chest with great  pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[acrzybear]

A Texas Trooper was driving home after working a 12 hour day when a car came on the highway in front of him at a high rate of speed. The Trooper followed this car for a mile or two then activated his overhead lights to pull the car over, well the car then drove faster and a short pursuit followed before the driver finally stopped about 5 miles down the highway.

  At this point the Trooper was mad as hell and he walked up to the driver and told him; " Buddy I've just finished a long shift, I'm tired, hungry and I'm heading home and you're speeding on my highway, give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you and tow your car.

 The driver looks at the Trooper for a minute or so then replies "Well sir there's actually a very simple explanation for my actions.  You see 15 years ago my wife ran off with a Trooper and the reason I didn't stop is I thought you were the Trooper she ran off with and you were bringing her back.

The Trooper then told the guy to have a nice day and left

[2tallbill]

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

[Jet]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 

 

 2 .   People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 

 

3.  When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

 

4.  When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 

 

5.  When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

 

6.  People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 

 

8 . When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 

 

9.  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[2tallbill]

 
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[2tallbill]

I tried to post something but it didn't work

So I will substitute this joke instead

A crusty old man walks into the a local Church and says to the
Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"

[Shadow]

Russian humor about America (do not be offended )

Two Russian immigrant students decided to pull a prank by letting three pigs loose in their school.
They also painted numbers on them. 1, 2 and 4. Cops spent one week looking for pig nr 3. 

[acrzybear]

*WARNING POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH ADULT THEMES*

Three guys from different agencies (CIA/FBI/Los Angeles Police Department) are talking to each other at a bar and begin arguing over who has the best  technique in finding a person, well after disagreeing for a while they finally decide to meet in the forest and release a particular bunny rabbit and whoever finds this rabbit in the shortest amount of time wins.

 The CIA guys wins the coin toss and he goes into the forest first, he offers weapons and amnesty to the first animal that gives up the rabbit, well after two days the CIA guy comes out of the forest holding the rabbit.

 Next the FBI goes in and gives money to different animals to be informants and offers a large cash reward to any animal that can help locate and seize the rabbit, after one day the FBI comes out holding the rabbit.

  Finally LAPD goes into the forest and the other two guys hear all kinds of commotion coming from inside the forest, well after 3 hours the LAPD guy comes out of the forest holding a beaten and bloody badger that's screaming "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"   

I know, I'm a sick puppy and I need help

[acrzybear]

a husband and wife are eating dinner and the husband is feeling a bit smug and he tells his wife;

 "Honey I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

to which his wife thinks for a minute then replies "Well, you're a much better lover then your brother"

thank you folks I'm here all week

[acrzybear]

I was going over some old photos and I came across the one below that happened about a year ago.

One night I was driving in an industrial park in my highly mobile crime fighting platform looking for evil do'ers doing evil (there had been a rash of burglaries in this area) when I smelled electrical wiring burning.  Well being the highly trained and experienced crime fighting Supervisor that I am,  I thought one of the complexes/warehouses had just caught on fire so I began looking for signs of smoke or flame. 

  I had driven about 4 or 5 blocks when smoke began filling the cab of my highly efficient crime fighting machine, so using my highly efficient deductive skills honed by years of crime fighting, I came to the conclusion that my vehicle was on fire.  So having the publics safety in mind I drove another block and parked in the middle of a major intersection so as to allow the fire department ample access to this in progress situation (honestly, shutting down a major interection and irritating my Lieutenant had nothing to do with it )

  So after I parked the vehicle dead center in the middle of the intersection I got out  and notified dispatch (via my portable radio) to send the fire department since my vehicle was in a combustable status ( No I wasn't smiling when I said this-honest )

  At this time flame had started to emerge from the hood as I quickly walked to the passenger side and retrieved my duty bag and other personal items (lunch cooler) and then went over to the sidewalk and set everything down, got my camera out of the bag and took a couple of pictures of the vehicle on fire and then opened a bottle of water . 


  Well my lieutenant decided to leave the comfort of his office and he (along with about 4 Officers) came with all of their pretty lights flashing. When The Lieutenant arrived he ask if I had been able to retrieved the laptop or the shotgun, to which I replied no, but that I was fine and I was lucky to have escaped with my life (I almost kept a straight face when I said this).  The Lieutenant then asked why I wasn't directing traffic, to which I replied "Well sir I think even the most moronic idiot in this fair city could see that there is a police car on fire and sitting in the middle of the intersection and that perhaps they should look for other avenues of travel and that I didn't think me in the middle of an intersection at night with flames blinding everyone would be to the benefit of my health.

  So here's the final tally;






One police equipped Chevrolet Tahoe - $40,000.00
One Panasonic "Toughbook" laptop   -  $5000.00
One department issued shotgun       -  $800.00

The look on your Lieutenants face when he realizes all of the paperwork for the above items and realizes that he can't do a damn thing to stop it-PRICELESS!!!

I love my job sometimes

[Bruno]

Bear.....

Have you save the "doughnuts" from the fire ?

 

[acrzybear]

Bruno

Why do you think I'm smiling in my avatar

[catzenmouse]

This one thanks to Jeff S on our sister board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no - I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time , but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[jb]

9 Things people always do that bugs me,

1.  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.  People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote control because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.  When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.  When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.  When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6.  People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.  When advertisers say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement on an existing product, then there must have been something before, so it couldn't be new.  What kinda moron thought that one up?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone walks up and asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

and finally....

9. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

[jb]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GAWD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[jb]

I love airline humor.....

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, saying: "US Air, I think that was my ex-wife speaking".

[Vaughn]

This one happened while I was doing touch 'n go's at DAB (Daytona)
many years ago.

Tower: "National 411, we've got an Embry Riddle Cessna downwind, execute a
turn to the right and come around again.

National pilot: "Daytona Control, do you realize it costs National Airlines about
two thousand dollars to make such a maneuver?"

Tower: "National 411, please give me a two thousand dollar turn to the right...."

[Shadow]

Near the Portugese coast:
"Attention US Aircraft carrier, this is Estoril T-21, you are on a collision course please turn to the right."
"Estoril T-21, This is the USS Carrier, we are a large ship to maneuver, we will continue."
"USS Carrier, this is Estoril T-21, You really need to change your course to avoid collision."
"Estoril T-21, this is the Admiral of the USS Carrier, we are carrying 20 armed planes, 400 men and are accompanied by  two cruisers and one submarine. We will not change our course for anything."
"Admiral, this is Jose Mourinho from Estoril T-21. I am sitting here with my wife and our dog. If you do not change your course your whole fleet will ram the Portugese coast".
From Russian TV:
The American news you can best watch with some beer and pretzels. For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.

[2tallbill]

Letter from my favorite aunt

Dear Bill,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
 
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Hope all well with you,

Your Favorite Aunt

[Jet]

From Russian TV:
 For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.

Your Russkie comrade in the frozen north: http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25092.html

[Serebro]

One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.

[2tallbill]

One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.

Serebro, (drasnit) I can't imagine how any woman resist such a great catch! He had a fiance of several years (inability to commit), no real job or prospects, or material possessions or likely to have any in the future. LOL

You could have replied, "DA DA!! send me this photo to the general mailbox at antidate along with your first and last name and address! would you please send all future photos and correspondence there as I am sure you will find your future muse and love soon."

The truth is always funnier then the best fiction.

Take care,

Bill

[jb]

   The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line  romantic poem...except that the last  line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

     1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
     Marrying you screwed up my life.

     2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
     That's why I always wake up screaming.

     3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
     This describes everything you are not.

     4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
     But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

     5. I thought that I could love no other
     that is, until I met your brother.

     6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
     But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
     bowl's empty, and so is your head.

     7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
     But don't take that paper bag off your face.

     8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
     Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

     9. My love, you take my breath away.
     What have you stepped in to smell this way?

     10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
     Except for maybe "Go to hell."

     11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
     Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[KenC]

Thought about posting this in one of the age gap threads, but better here.
KenC
>
>
>   GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
>   Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
>
>   Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
>
>   Between 31 and 35, a woman is like  India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
>   Between 36 and 4 0, a woman is like  France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
>
>   Between 41 and 50, a woman is like  Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
>
>   Between 51 and 60, a woman is like  Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
>
>   Between 61 and 70, a woman is like  Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
>
>   After 70, she becomes Tibet .... Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
>
>   GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
>   Between 1 and 78, a man is like  Iran , ruled by a dick