Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

Why is it that REAL men don't write advice columns.

[2tallbill]

Alien vs Predator 3

[2tallbill]

Great buns......

[2tallbill]

Wanted.........

[2tallbill]

air guitar for sell 5 bucks.

[2tallbill]

Sally is blond, and is very hard to pull something over on her!

[2tallbill]

Let it snow.............

[2tallbill]

random joke..........

[2tallbill]

Priorities...........

[2tallbill]

Goals are great but they should be reasonable...........

[viking]

I hope that was not AJ in hie earlier days!!

[dneid]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides
and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
 
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
head for the bathtub:
 
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom.

If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were
about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift  positions.)
 
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin  from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
 
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go outfox a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water.
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make
sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the
water.
 
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J. C.  Penney.)
 
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
 
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and callback into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
 
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now
the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally,
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
 
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case.  As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
 
But at least now he smells a lot better.

[viking]

Old-time Jewish humor
From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,  and others?
 
 Not one single swear word in their comedy…

 * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's
making love?   "Honey, I'm home!"

 * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.


* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.


* I was just in London --- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm
still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back."   Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"


* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've
been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get
started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
 
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the
fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
   A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*  Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
   A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
   A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
   A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

* A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said,
"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother
answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has
a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I
play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

* Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
   A: Under the vacuum cleaner
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us,
we won, let's eat.

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

* Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
   A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
   A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

[SANDRO43]

Old-time Jewish humor - From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,  and others? Not one single swear word in their comedy…

.. and the Marx Brothers ... and Woody Allen ... and ...

[catzenmouse]

Proper care and feeding of children:

http://www.yaplakal.com/uhod_za_detmi.htm

[viking]

 
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten taliban."
 The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
 silence.
>
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban."
 Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
 and instantly, a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
 again, silence.
>
The voice calls out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
 The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
 across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge
 battle is fought. Then silence.
>
Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
 his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap.
 There's actually two of them."

[viking]

Actual Classified ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES:1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES..Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
> leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
> a big reward.
>
> COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
> GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89cents/lb.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
>
> And the best one:
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
> volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed,
> Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[2tallbill]

Parking for women

[2tallbill]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're out of here'

[2tallbill]

To my "teacher" friends!

 

 

 

 

 

My five-year old students, are learning to read.
 

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,                       
 
'Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant!    It says so on the picture!' 


 And so it does... (scroll down)






' A f r i c a n  Elephant '


 Hooked on phonics!    Ain't it wonderful?

 

[2tallbill]

God said,
'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said,
'Gladly, Lord. What do You want me to do ?'

God said,
'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said,
'What's a Valley ?'

God explained it to him; Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said,
'What's a River ?'

God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said,
'What is a hill ?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was,
then told Adam,
'On the other side of the hill you'll find a cave.'

Adam said,
'What's a cave ?'

After God explained, He said,
'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said,
'What's a Woman ?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said,
'How do I do that ?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill, into
the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
'What is it now ?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache ?'

[2tallbill]

Careful with the landing.

[2tallbill]

!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!

[OlgaH]

most likely made in China...

[Mamma D]

This one is for ALL those great ladies, that put up with all you guys...

To the powerful women in life - Keep the faith!

 Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
 morning, Satan shudders & says...

 'Oh hell... She's awake!