Time for some Humor!!

[Mamma D]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[wendaaaal]

Anybody remember "SCTV" ? This one's from 1982. Jack Bragg probably won't like the Texas reference 
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Cheers,
Wendell in Austin

[ConnerVT]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.  I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."

[SANDRO43]

 

[ConnerVT]

Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --

The Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.

Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular.He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.  And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...
but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves, a whole lot of Band-Aids and clean underwear.

[2tallbill]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
 
Well, there's a very simple answer.
 
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
 
We just didn't know we were getting low.
 
The reason for that is purely geographical.
 
Our OIL is located in :
 
ALASKA
 
California
 
Coastal  Florida
 
Coastal  Louisiana
 
Wyoming
 
Colorado
 
Kansas
 
Oklahoma
 
Pennsylvania
 
and
 
Texas
 
Our dipsticks are located in DC
 
Any Questions?
 
NO?...
 
I Didn't think so.

[Jet]

Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --

The Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising ...

LOL Conner! It reminds me of the story my father used to tell about the time a wild turkey landed in his lap and proceeded to get itself trapped under the tonneau  cover of his MGA while driving home from work. 

[ConnerVT]

An inspirational poster for all of us.



(Is that AJ?)
 

[BC]

An inspirational poster for all of us.



(Is that AJ?)
 

Judging from his writing style, I'd say yeah..  BTW I really enjoy his posts.. More like poetry than much of the rambling going on here.

[Lily]

Newest Book on RM:
Devil Drives Lada

[steviej]

An inspirational poster for all of us.

Conner - very funny! Could be the cover of the "RWD Guide to Russian Women"   

[ca71447]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument..
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
. ; Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[ca71447]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in
AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased
$1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00
today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling
refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best
current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon!  Makes you proud to be an American!

[2tallbill]

Jokes from Cartoon stock...........

[Faux Pas]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an
8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the
third
cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as
possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be
his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about hi
s wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and somberly said, 'You went ahead and finished
your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your
wife
has been suffering intensely in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead
and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip
you
ever take!'

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll
be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with you. She's
dead.
What'd you catch?'

[Faux Pas]

 WHY PARENTS DRINK
 
 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
 
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

 
Dear Dad:
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
 
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
 
But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.... We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
 
She deserves it.
 
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love,
Your Son Cody,
 
P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home. 

[2tallbill]

Halloween is just around the corner

[Mamma D]

Sunburned.....Maybe?

[2tallbill]

Halloween is just around the corner

[Mamma D]

   
 
Wishing all of you a long and lovely INDIAN SUMMER........
And looking forward to the resting time when most of nature sleeps..

And children look forward to the mid-winter holidays.....
perhaps the child in all of us also.....

May all be well in your world.....

Mamma D

[ca71447]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[SANDRO43]

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

A vile slander, sirrah, I'll have you know that expressive gesticulation is not an Italian-only prerogative, with an umbrella message from an Argentinian and a Dutchman .

[2tallbill]

*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***

Ok, I lied it's more like juvenile type humor that could offend some people.

[2tallbill]

*** Warning juvenile type humor that could offend some people. ***

[2tallbill]

Whipped