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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473899 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1025 on: May 17, 2009, 04:26:07 PM »
Warning more juvenile motivational posters
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1026 on: May 17, 2009, 05:07:05 PM »
Warning more juvenile stuff
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1027 on: May 17, 2009, 05:09:21 PM »
Warning more juvenile posts on this thread
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1028 on: June 09, 2009, 05:18:00 PM »
joke
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1029 on: July 17, 2009, 04:27:25 PM »
The economy is so bad that...

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges..

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal - The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 Billion disappear!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1030 on: July 18, 2009, 06:19:18 PM »
The town's most successful lawyer was found to have made no contributions to
United Way by the person in charge of contributors for United Way, so he called
him to persuade him to contribute.

The UW guy asked "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give not a penny to charity. "Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

UW guy Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1031 on: July 19, 2009, 05:03:56 AM »
Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1032 on: July 20, 2009, 03:34:07 AM »
One of my favorites:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I thinkthey would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be noway for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Raincy

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1033 on: July 22, 2009, 09:42:00 PM »
            Thanks for sharing the ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity.


________________
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Offline Son of Clyde

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1034 on: August 07, 2009, 11:28:42 AM »
How graphic can we be with these jokes?
I can think of some raunchy ones.

Here is one of the cleaner ones.

A woman went to see her doctor to report that her husband had died from eating dog food.

The doctor said "of course he died. Dog food is not intended for human consumption."

The woman said "no, it was not that at all. One night he was lying on the sofa, licking himself and he fell off and broke his neck."
« Last Edit: August 07, 2009, 11:30:32 AM by Son of Clyde »

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1035 on: August 21, 2009, 05:37:23 PM »
Wii for women

[youtube=425,350]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline viking

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1036 on: August 30, 2009, 04:58:38 PM »
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Tom Hanks in Castaway: You never know what the tide may bring in.
Viking: But you still need to walk along the beach to find it.

Offline GoodOlBoy

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1037 on: September 09, 2009, 07:52:21 AM »
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass  hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

GOB

“For God and country, Geronimo, Geronimo, Geronimo......... Geronimo E.K.I.A.”

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1038 on: September 11, 2009, 10:36:44 AM »
True story.

I took the family to the fair. We watched the demolition derby, which finished up around 9:30 PM.

As we were headed out, my son wanted to go on the bungee jumping ride they had in the midway, where you put on a harness, and you hang from two bungee cords. He could jump, do flips, etc. It cost $7.00 to ride.

Being a bit cold after sunset (and my wife forgot to bring a jacket), I stood behind her, wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, and watched our son having a great time.

My eyes went to the sign that showed the price, and underneath I read the small print, which said that $7.00 was for three minutes.

"$7.00 for three minutes? That's $140 an hour." I said out loud. "For $140, I could buy a woman for one hour."

The only thing that saved me at that moment was adding, "Of course, I would only need three minutes."

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1039 on: September 29, 2009, 05:54:16 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1040 on: September 29, 2009, 05:56:51 PM »
Contrary to the introduction below, this circulated in IBM already in 1969 when I joined, apropos of our ritual annual A/C (Appraisal/Counseling) interviews ;D.

RATING OF HUMAN PERFORMANCE
The rating was attributed to a certain Dave Barret and his group at the University of Florida in 1974. The rating was then reproduced by Azahari Ismail in 1978.

Quality
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
Can leap over short buildings only
Crashes into building when attempting to leap
Cannot recognize buildings at all

Timeliness
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Is as fast as a speeding bullet
Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet
Would you believe a slow bullet
Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot

Initiative
Is stronger than a locomotive
Is stronger than a bull elephant
Is stronger than a bull
Shoots the bull
Smells like a bull

Adaptability
Walks on water consistently
Walks on water in emergencies
Washes with water
Drinks water
Passes water in emergencies

Communication
Talks with god
Talks with the angels
Talks to himself
Argues with himself
Loses arguments with himself
Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1041 on: September 29, 2009, 05:58:54 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1042 on: September 29, 2009, 06:03:05 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline viking

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1043 on: October 16, 2009, 07:42:48 AM »
You know you are having a bad day when:

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. 
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver's license picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
Tom Hanks in Castaway: You never know what the tide may bring in.
Viking: But you still need to walk along the beach to find it.

Offline CallMeSasha

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1044 on: October 16, 2009, 10:36:09 AM »
two goldfish in a tank

one says to the "are you sure you know how to drive this?"

Offline SunnyAK

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1045 on: October 16, 2009, 05:00:48 PM »
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No...'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman this way, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,

'No, I Norvegian.'
We lived, we loved, we laughed, we cried...we'll never die. (M. Franks)

Offline remiel6

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1046 on: October 16, 2009, 05:38:25 PM »
 :ROFL:

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1047 on: October 16, 2009, 06:28:20 PM »
SunnyAK, thank you for your implied tribute to Italian rattling 8) and communication skills :-\.
 :D ;D
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1048 on: October 17, 2009, 01:53:12 AM »
A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

Offline Son of Clyde

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1049 on: October 17, 2009, 03:34:13 PM »
I have another Italian joke.
A group of young ladies are on a plane that is about to crash.
Also on the plane are a group of Italian tourists.
One of the ladies goes over to an attractive Italian man and says:
"I have never been with a man. Before I die, can you show me what it feels like to be a woman?" The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
« Last Edit: October 17, 2009, 03:40:29 PM by Son of Clyde »

 

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