Time for some Humor!!

[Shadow]

Holiday calendar for 2012/2013

December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery

January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......

[calmissile]

Holiday calendar for 2012/2013

December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery

January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......

Funny that you bring up the end of the world (Myan calendar).
My friends in Ukraine have brought it up in every recent conversation.
I responded to my Gal by saying that if the world is ending, we had better have as much sex as possible now!    LOL

[ML]

Adults only NUDE SANTA

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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For crying out loud.  Act your age.  There is no Santa !
 
Sometimes I just can't believe you people !!!

[knighta]

Holiday humor.

[knighta]

The rest of them.

[calmissile]

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego,
California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar,
stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
 loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican
stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already
there!"

[Eduard]

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego,
California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar,
stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
 loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican
stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already
there!"

and the moral of the story: Learn Spanish!

[newjason]

Holiday calendar for 2012/2013

December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery

January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......

lol  very nice Shadow.

[ML]

and the moral of the story: Learn Spanish!

But for your children and grandchildren, advise to . . . learn Chinese.

For this section though . . . that is not even funny!!!

[calmissile]

They live among us, breed and vote

2012 Darwin Awards


Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
 
 

[ML]

Transformation almost complete, but not quite . . .

[ML]

Is this one of our members??

A gentleman in his eighties walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel.
He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady in her seventies.
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,     
"So tell me, good looking . . . Do I come here often?" 

[ML]

This has been around a long time . . . but still funny as he!! . . . and true.

[Lily]

[jone]

Okay, here's one that is dedicated to the folks back in Wisconsin, where I'm from, and my sister, who is a natural blonde:

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Wisconsin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
...
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?"

[SANDRO43]

Good news! The 1st volume of "How to Understand Women" is now finally available in bookshops!

[ghost of moon goddess]

Good news! The 1st volume of "How to Understand Women" is now finally available in bookshops!

[/center]

Another good news is that the first volume actually contains only the authors' names list

[viking]

Sandro. That is only the introduction. For women over 30 it's a 3 volume set. In small type. But there are pictures.

[SANDRO43]

GoMG, at left in your avatar is something that resembles Rome's Bocca della Verità :

La Bocca della Verità (English: the Mouth of Truth) is an image, carved from Pavonazzo marble, of a man-like face, located in the portico of the church of Santa Maria in Cosmedin in Rome, Italy. The sculpture is thought to be part of a first century ancient Roman fountain, or perhaps a manhole cover, portraying one of several possible pagan gods, probably Oceanus. Most Romans believe that the 'Bocca' represents the ancient god of the river Tiber.

The most famous characteristic of the Mouth, however, is its role as a lie detector. Starting from the Middle Ages, it was believed that if one told a lie with one's hand in the mouth of the sculpture, it would be bitten off...

The Mouth of Truth is known to English-speaking audiences mostly from its appearance in the 1953 film Roman Holiday. The film also uses the Mouth of Truth as a storytelling device since both Hepburn's and Peck's characters are not initially truthful with each other.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bocca_della_Verità

[ghost of moon goddess]

GoMG, at left in your avatar is something that resembles Rome's Bocca della Verità :

Sandro, that "something" is a wood sculpture of Baba Yaga 

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up..."

[LAman]

Sandro, that "something" is a wood sculpture of Baba Yaga 

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up..."

I often wondered who that handsome devil next to you was????    It was just "Baba"!!!!

[SANDRO43]

I often wondered who that handsome devil next to you was????    It was just "Baba"!!!!

Wrong Baba, this is Granny Yaga .

In Slavic folklore, Baba Yaga is a supernatural being (or one of a trio of sisters of the same name) who appears as a deformed and/or ferocious-looking woman. Baba Yaga flies around in a mortar, wields a pestle and dwells deep in the forest in a hut usually described as standing on chicken legs.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baba_Yaga

It's also one of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition for piano:

Later orchestrated by Maurice Ravel:

[ML]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 
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 After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
 
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 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
 
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 I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
 
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 Some people ask the secret of a long marriage. Take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
 A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, you go Fridays.'
 
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 There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
 
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 I've had bad luck with both my wives.
 The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
 
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 Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 
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 You know what I did before I married?
 Anything I wanted to.
 
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 My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
 Then we met.
 
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 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 
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 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
 Next day he received a hundred letters.
 They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

[Lily]

from Russian immigrants forum


 

[knighta]

Holiday humor