Author Topic: Time for some Humor!! (Read 482572 times)

ML · « **Reply #1300 on:** June 12, 2012, 04:02:47 PM »

The TV advertisements always say to seek help if erection lasts more than 4 hours.

I walked into a drug store in Bellevue and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister were the only pharmacists and they owned the store; there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The lady pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go consult with my sister . . .'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

1/3 ownership in the store, a company [/color]pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses[/b]

calmissile · « **Reply #1301 on:** June 13, 2012, 02:23:25 AM »

Eye contact..... never!

SANDRO43 · « **Reply #1302 on:** June 13, 2012, 06:00:51 AM »

Quote from: Gator on June 08, 2012, 06:57:24 AM

Superb compilation of Monty Python.

Its British members (American Terry Gilliam joined initially as cartoon animator of the series) acknowledged that their brand of surreal humour was partly inspired by that of another group

:

tfcrew · « **Reply #1303 on:** June 15, 2012, 12:09:58 PM »

Old one from the FSU...

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"

calmissile · « **Reply #1304 on:** June 15, 2012, 05:57:40 PM »

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while
shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossiblenot to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one
of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the
8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very
careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

ML · « **Reply #1305 on:** June 16, 2012, 08:06:27 PM »

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she again asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says,

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!!!!!"

ML · « **Reply #1306 on:** June 17, 2012, 02:54:27 PM »

The TV advertisements always say to seek help if erection lasts more than 4 hours.

I walked into a drug store in Bellevue and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister were the only pharmacists and they owned the store; there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The lady pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go consult with my sister . . .'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in spending money.

SANDRO43 · « **Reply #1307 on:** June 17, 2012, 05:13:27 PM »

ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th

: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082

.

Anotherkiwi · « **Reply #1308 on:** June 17, 2012, 05:23:10 PM »

Quote from: SANDRO43 on June 17, 2012, 05:13:27 PM

ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th : http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082 .

Yes, but at least this version doesn't have weird fonts and colours!

ML · « **Reply #1309 on:** June 17, 2012, 07:29:11 PM »

Quote from: SANDRO43 on June 17, 2012, 05:13:27 PM

ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th : http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082 .

Well, on my screen, the first one was unreadable. So I just wanted to make it readable.

But aside from that; it was so funny as to warrant reading it twice anyway . . . dontcha think?

Anyway, this Miami Oklahoma pro BB game is pretty great tonight.

calmissile · « **Reply #1310 on:** June 19, 2012, 11:18:18 PM »

A long time married couple was watching TV.

The husband had the remote and kept switching between a porn channel and a fishing channel.

The wife became totally annoyed and shouted:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish"

ML · « **Reply #1311 on:** June 20, 2012, 06:22:40 PM »

Insurance Institute of America has just released its latest yearly analysis of the leading cause of accidents.

See if you can guess what it is. Read all the way to the bottom after the pictures for the surprising answer.

Not cell phones .........
Not the radio .........
Not the GPS monitor ......
Not talking .............
Not texting ...............
Not watching a car video ......
Not changing a CD .......

The most frequent cause of accidents in the World is:

(Pictures are supposed to be here . . . what happened?)

Yep !!! ...You guessed it !!! ...
Inappropriate footwear !!!!

ML · « **Reply #1312 on:** June 20, 2012, 06:36:07 PM »

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, Please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir.?

Cowboy: Nah .... She ain't that ugly. ! !

GQBlues · « **Reply #1313 on:** June 21, 2012, 05:44:35 PM »

This isn't 'humor' but a view for your entertainment nonetheless...Cirque du Soleil, eat your heart out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=GxY-uIgv4vs&vq=medium

Gator · « **Reply #1314 on:** June 22, 2012, 07:18:22 AM »

Next time you are checking out at the food store and they ask "Plastic or paper," just reply "It does not matter, I am bisacksual."

BC · « **Reply #1315 on:** June 22, 2012, 01:59:57 PM »

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to me, that I should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

I apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Anotherkiwi · « **Reply #1316 on:** June 22, 2012, 07:13:36 PM »

Quote from: BC on June 22, 2012, 01:59:57 PM

Being Green

...

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled...

Remember bottle drives? I don't know if they had them in North America, but they were a staple way of raising money for our Scouts and Cubs when I was young. We would get hundreds of dozens of beer bottles (not many wine drinkers here back in the late 60s/early 70s) in a day. I think my record was being part of a group (three or four kids) which got 53 dozen bottles from one house - and there were just as many more which we didn't have time to collect!

Quote from: BC on June 22, 2012, 01:59:57 PM

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

You have kids to keep you young

.

SANDRO43 · « **Reply #1317 on:** June 23, 2012, 07:54:38 AM »

Quote from: BC on June 22, 2012, 01:59:57 PM

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school

My grammar and high schools were too far away for a bike ride so for some five years I took the no. 15 tram to go there, a 30'+ trip. While on board, I would often stand a little behind the driver and watch his technique:

The photo shows a vintage Milan tram still in service - the model is known as "Type 1928" or "Peter Witt", the Cleveland Railway commissioner who originally designed it in 1915 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Witt_streetcar). Several of our old streetcars are said to be in service in San Francisco (see bottom of http://it.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tram_ATM_serie_1500).

The driver's right hand is on the pneumatic brake and his left hand on the 'gearshift/gas' of the electric motor - i.e. a rheostat. The spoked wheel partly visible at left is the emergency brake, which would dump a load of sand in front of the tram wheels for a quick stop. Not visible are the 3 pneumatic door openers, and the floor pedal to clang the tram bell.

At that time, trams still carried signs inside warning that passengers 'spitting on the floor' and 'using blasphemy' were liable to a fine

.

While conductors at the back end of the tram were increasingly coming from southern Italy, most drivers were genuine Milanese and I learned a lot of our dialect by listening to their self-talk - and frequent swearing at undisciplined motorists or absent-minded pedestrians/cyclists getting in the way

.

BC · « **Reply #1318 on:** June 23, 2012, 11:05:27 AM »

Quote from: SANDRO43 on June 23, 2012, 07:54:38 AM

While conductors at the back end of the tram were increasingly coming from southern Italy, most drivers were genuine Milanese and I learned a lot of our dialect by listening to their self-talk - and frequent swearing at undisciplined motorists or absent-minded pedestrians/cyclists getting in the way .

Oh the south Italians... I love them.

In our little town there are still the cars with loudspeakers on top advertising or trucks selling veggies.. you can hear them far off.

One of the fruit vendors regularly sings on the street and there is an old lady, rumored to be one of the richest in town that rides a bike ladened with prepackaged veggies for lunch and dinner... I can hear her blocks away with her loud voice announcing 'Amore!!'.

More cultural than humor, but had to say it. I remember it was much that way in the north when I was there in the 60's (Vicenza) but things have changed. I hope they never do here.

SANDRO43 · « **Reply #1319 on:** June 23, 2012, 11:32:03 AM »

Quote from: BC on June 23, 2012, 11:05:27 AM

In our little town there are still the cars with loudspeakers on top advertising or trucks selling veggies.. you can hear them far off.

Until the end of the 1950s, the streets of Milan were still roamed by several types of itinerant vendors of merchandise or services, most with a distinctive cry to announce their presence. I remember:

- Sellers of ice blocks for our pre-fridge ice boxes, a summer treat for us kids who were allowed to pick up the remaining slivers.
- Rag merchants, crying: "Strascee, stracciao" (translation for the non-Milanese)
- Arrotini (knife sharpeners) with their bike-mounted shops:

BC · « **Reply #1320 on:** June 23, 2012, 11:40:24 AM »

- Arrotini (knife sharpeners) with their bike-mounted shops:

I remember those well... I saw one maybe 10 years ago here but becoming very, very rare if not extinct.... thanks to throw away knives from China.

The old times were indeed mighty fine times.

calmissile · « **Reply #1321 on:** June 23, 2012, 03:07:03 PM »

THE COMPUTER AGE....

It's in German, but totally understandable in any language.

A Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.

She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"

This is in German but that's all you really need to know. You'll get the rest:

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

Anotherkiwi · « **Reply #1322 on:** June 23, 2012, 10:08:00 PM »

Quote from: calmissile on June 23, 2012, 03:07:03 PM

THE COMPUTER AGE....

It's in German, but totally understandable in any language.

A Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.

She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"

This is in German but that's all you really need to know. You'll get the rest:

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

Love it!

calmissile · « **Reply #1323 on:** June 25, 2012, 01:35:05 PM »

The music on this video is half the fun, the chase was on the CA-241 Toll road in Orange County, CA. This could have been right out of a Benny Hill episode, but it is an actual police chase!

http://video.staged.com/localshops/orange_county_police_car_chase__benny_hill_themed

ML · « **Reply #1324 on:** June 27, 2012, 09:19:01 AM »

Some guys can argue politics all day long but, patriotism is what I'm all about.
We always hear about how to fold a flag properly... but, did anyone ever show you how to unfold a flag properly?
Make sure you take the proper steps in the proper order.... Otherwise things don't come out right!

First: Locate Your Flag...

Pictures are supposed to be here?????

Second: Firmly Grasp the Edges.... and Pull, Slightly....

Lastly... Observe.... In Quiet Reverence....

Don't you feel a lot more patriotic?

And, lastly . . . are those beautiful or what??

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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!! (Read 482572 times)

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