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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473540 times)

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Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1050 on: October 17, 2009, 05:28:57 PM »
The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
He probably subscribed to the myth that an Italian man should be like Italian coffee - hot, strong and dark 8). Or was it the other way round :-\ ;D?
Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1051 on: October 18, 2009, 03:21:01 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1052 on: October 18, 2009, 03:22:40 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline viking

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1053 on: October 24, 2009, 07:08:00 AM »
A Husband's Computer Addiction
My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Tom Hanks in Castaway: You never know what the tide may bring in.
Viking: But you still need to walk along the beach to find it.

Offline viking

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1054 on: October 30, 2009, 06:24:57 AM »
1. Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa 2. Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa 3. Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa 4. Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa 5. Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa  List of Viruses
6. Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa 7. Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be amazing? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa 8. Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa 9. Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... Santa 10. Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa 11. Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa 
Tom Hanks in Castaway: You never know what the tide may bring in.
Viking: But you still need to walk along the beach to find it.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1055 on: October 30, 2009, 11:35:29 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1056 on: October 30, 2009, 11:37:07 PM »




FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1057 on: October 30, 2009, 11:40:27 PM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1058 on: November 07, 2009, 04:26:16 AM »
I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. Here's my concern: Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the Cock... Anybody else worried???

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1059 on: November 11, 2009, 05:08:16 PM »



























FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline ConnerVT

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1060 on: December 18, 2009, 07:03:00 PM »
Note to self:  Try not to grow old...


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this Jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'

Offline viking

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1061 on: December 20, 2009, 03:49:39 PM »
It’s winter. All the birds have flown south to warmer climates. Except for one little fellow. Out partying and having a generally good time, he forgets about the weather.

A sudden snow storm hits. He starts to dash south but gets caught up in the storm and comes crashing down onto earth in the middle of a farm.

A cow comes by and takes a big dump on him. Well, the warm poop defrosts his wings and he is now happy and starts to sing.

A cat, hearing the bird singing, seeks him out, finds him in the pile of manure and promptly eats him.

Moral of this story?

Sometimes people who sh!t on you may not be your enemy.
Sometimes people who get you out of sh!t may not necessarily be your friend.
And if your warm and happy in your pile of sh!t, keep your freaking mouth shut!.
Tom Hanks in Castaway: You never know what the tide may bring in.
Viking: But you still need to walk along the beach to find it.

Offline Son of Clyde

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1062 on: December 23, 2009, 01:29:36 PM »
My shortest joke:

Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?

Max Factor.

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1063 on: December 27, 2009, 12:49:44 AM »
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving
people of the world.

I told them to kiss my A$$ !!

Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving !
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1064 on: December 27, 2009, 08:41:27 AM »
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.
Do you wear edible garments ;D?
Milan's "Duomo"

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1065 on: December 27, 2009, 01:16:27 PM »
Regarding clothes for the starving. . ...

I felt a little bit bad later however. Come to
find out they were starving and homeless and
they needed something to make tents out of.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1066 on: December 30, 2009, 11:22:01 AM »
May all bad things go away with the year that is (almost) over
Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline JR

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1067 on: December 31, 2009, 06:14:37 PM »
Nice try Lily but I think you're stuck with them :) But I understand one GOOD thing will be leaving Russia soon ))))
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else :)

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1068 on: January 16, 2010, 09:58:06 PM »
The Power of a Badge......



A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field
over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the
rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The
officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs
to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline Boethius

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1069 on: January 19, 2010, 06:45:08 PM »
I'm not sure why this won't appear, so here' the link -

« Last Edit: January 19, 2010, 06:50:10 PM by Boethius »
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1070 on: January 19, 2010, 06:50:08 PM »
Boethius, your post is was a mess ;D.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/v/-zG7LejcRm4&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/youtube]
« Last Edit: January 19, 2010, 06:51:40 PM by SANDRO43 »
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline Boethius

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1071 on: January 19, 2010, 06:50:43 PM »
Fixed - youtube won't appear for me.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline JR

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1072 on: January 21, 2010, 02:47:55 PM »
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex......she objects.
Impotence: nature's way of saying...."No hard feelings"
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once....but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Question: What's an Australian kiss?
   Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
   Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
   Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.....many men still sleep with their wives!
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else :)

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1073 on: January 21, 2010, 04:22:56 PM »
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

LOL. Sorry JR.

The line reminded me of a time after concluding negotiation with a Construction Manager, who happens to have the driest sense of humor I have had an opportunity to listen to, we persuaded him to have lunch with us...

So when we all got inside the car we started to shoot around the breeze and the owner of our company asked him about his family. He very casually mentioned he's got 7 kids and one (8th) is on its way. That shocked the hell out of all of us because we knew him to be only 33 years old.

I said, "What?!? I thought you're only 33?!"
He said, "I am."
Me, "8 kids?!? What the heck?"
He matter-of-factly replied, "Welllllll, what can I say, you know..we wanted a small family too except my wife wasn't using her head!"

Maybe you had to be there but there was a precious few seconds that followed before everyone laughed in unison.

Pretty funny for me still...
Quote from: msmob
1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming.
3. N95 mask will choke you dead after 30 min. of use.

Offline JR

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #1074 on: January 21, 2010, 05:39:59 PM »
LOL, swallowing has it's benefits :)
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else :)

 

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