Russian Women Discussion
RWD Discussion Groups => Introductions and Ice-Breaker => Topic started by: Atlguy39 on November 29, 2020, 06:44:27 PM
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I'm a year into the process of finding a Ukrainian woman. I met one exactly a year ago on a regular Slavic dating site. We've applied for a K-1 Visa and it should be approved soon. I'm divorced and live in the Midwest (from the east coast originally) making it very difficult to meet someone. After years of frustration, I decided to go overseas and chose Ukraine. We've had many cultural challenges, which is why I'm here. I'm hoping we can have a happy marriage This is my own version of 90 Day Fiance!
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Welcome Atlguy39!
Congrat's on your upcoming nuptials. What are your concerns? Ask questions, chances are someone has an answer you'll like
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My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman. She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually). I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity. She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way. That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me. She will need to trust me when she gets here. Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible. I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit. I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Its a bit overwhelming.
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My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman. She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually). I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity. She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way. That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me. She will need to trust me when she gets here. Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible. I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit. I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Its a bit overwhelming.
Welcome 🙂
Regarding her reaction to contributing financially.... One the dating sites I use (dmnotify) has a questionnaire to complete your profile. One question asks if a women is able to pay for herself. Despite a lot having great qualifications and some above average wages, none of them indicated they were able to or comfortable contributing financially during the dating, visa and settling in process.... That without question is the mans responsibility.
How long did you spend getting to know her in Ukraine? and is the father of her son in the picture?
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Davo, thanks for the response. I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled. In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job. She also owns a condo. I've paid for all of it. I will continue to do so until she can work. But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills. That will quickly end this if it's the case. We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.
I've been to Ukraine, Spain, and Mexico with her. Total of probably 20 days and we skype once a week and talk daily. I hope I know enough. Its not easy to get to know the true person from halfway across the world. the dad is not in the picture and the son seems like a great kid. I've bought him several gifts and he's always so appreciative. I just don't want it to be an expectation all the time. I'm giving them a better life and am not rich. Nor do I want to buy a kid's love.
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This is my own version of 90 Day Fiance!
Is that a good thing or bad thing? Lots of drama in the show. Welcome to the forum.
I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled. In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job. She also owns a condo. I've paid for all of it. I will continue to do so until she can work. But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills. That will quickly end this if it's the case. We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.
Why are you doing premarital counseling? When you are with her, in what ways is she contributing to the relationship?
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The premarital counseling is due to the cultural differences and a couple major issues we've had that haven't been easily solved. I think its a positive so we can learn to communicate better.
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The premarital counseling is due to the cultural differences and a couple major issues we've had that haven't been easily solved. I think its a positive so we can learn to communicate better.
I don't know what major issues you're trying to solve but regardless of cultural differences and language barriers, two good people make good things happen.
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She has a 14 year old boy.... I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Its a bit overwhelming.
How does the child react to you and toward moving to a foreign country? It's really tough for a teenager [esp now] We have had friends with children and their biggest problem is the type of individuals that they chose as friends. What did you mean "You don't know how long"...for what specifically? & what city is she from?
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Davo, thanks for the response. I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled. In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job. She also owns a condo. I've paid for all of it. I will continue to do so until she can work. But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills. That will quickly end this if it's the case. We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.
I've been to Ukraine, Spain, and Mexico with her. Total of probably 20 days and we skype once a week and talk daily. I hope I know enough. Its not easy to get to know the true person from halfway across the world. the dad is not in the picture and the son seems like a great kid. I've bought him several gifts and he's always so appreciative. I just don't want it to be an expectation all the time. I'm giving them a better life and am not rich. Nor do I want to buy a kid's love.
If you are having to have counseling at this stage then it doesn’t bode well for the future.
From what you have written I suspect you already know what the future with this woman is likely to bring.
There is an expectation, culturally, that the man will provide. The attitude around finances, spending and saving is vastly different to the western norm so lower your expectations and make adjustments if you want a happy relationship.
You will have to compromise on a lot of things.
That being said, if she values the relationship she would want to contribute and make ‘happy family’.
However, if, as you have intimated, the signs are that you are going to be the sole provider, regardless of her earnings, then I would seriously consider if the relationship is going to have a stable foundation and worth pursuing.
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My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman. She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually). I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity. She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way. That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me. She will need to trust me when she gets here. Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible. I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit. I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Its a bit overwhelming.
Hi Atlguy, as difficult as the past few years have been for you, I'd have some serious concerns about bringing this lady over just yet. It may not seem like it, but you have time and don't need to rush into things. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It is hard to say if you are setting yourself up for disappointment but I suspect you are setting yourself up for worse than just disappointment. You have been astute enough to pick up on a few things about her, but don't expect her to change for the better. Expect what you already seen, or worse. She has a child so I believe you will be a very distant second fiddle.
I don't mean to discourage you in any way, but you have time, there are lots of ladies out there from Russia, Ukraine, South America, Asia. Is there something about this particular lady that you just can't live without? Perhaps you want to roll the dice. Looking in from the outside, I sense trouble for you.
Fathertime!
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My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman. She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually). I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity. She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way. That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me. She will need to trust me when she gets here. Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible. I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit. I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Its a bit overwhelming.
Sounds like you're bumping into Slavic dating protocols. Remember she's trying to feel you out also. R/U women expect guys to pay for everything until you are married and if you push too hard for her to pay for things she will think that you are a cheap ass which is a big slam. R/U women have heads like a rock and are convinced that they know everything and whatever they don't know their girlfriends know. They know all about how things work in the US because they read a bunch of magazines or saw it on television. Just like we have heard horror stories about scam artists, they have heard stories about guys that want a slave to scrub floors and have sex.
I'm sure that she will cool out but it takes time. She's a bit hesitant about this whole thing as are you, when she knows that she can rely on you a lot of this behavior starts to fade. One other bit of advice: when ever you visit NEVER go with empty hands. Always have a gift for everyone, doesn't have to be expensive. In fact buy a bunch of extra gifts for the parents, kids or good old uncle Yosh. Never underestimate the importance of making a good impression on the family especially her mother. Women rule the soviet world and if you can win over MaMa you will have the strongest ally for your marriage. Your wife may not listen to you but mama will knock some sense into her head (if she likes you).
Your girl sounds VERY normal and I hope the best for you two.
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Welcome to the forum, Atiguy39.
One thing that had me wondering.
Why do you only v.chat once a week?
When apart we talk 3 or more times a day...
My time difference is much less than yours, but the lack of v.chat suggests a certain coolness on someone's part?
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Thanks for all the replies! So the issues with her are my drinking (moderately) and some jealousy, which is uncalled for in my opinion, as I'm very respectful. Both came up on our trip to Mexico. Also, I don't want another divorce, so premarital counseling is just to help us come together and learn how to mold the cultures together and resolve issues. The jealousy and drinking may or may not be discussed. I'm already drinking less in preparation for this. We're still likely 4 months away from her coming here given how slow everything is going, so pre-marital counseling will give me some answers.
I've told her I've got her and her son financially 100% until she starts working. I just don't get the mentality of working and making good money and keeping it all for herself. She calls herself "western" in her thinking, and yet I'm not seeing that. Keeping all the money she makes for herself is very selfish (if thats her intent, I don't know) and I will not marry a woman who will do that. I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes. She watches way too many YouTube videos on America and believes them.
Her son will be a huge challenge, but I'm going to do everything I can do for him, including getting him extra tutoring for English. He seems to understand it, but not comfortable speaking it. His mother is fluent. He's at the age where we he doesn't say much about moving, as if its way off in the future. He's a typical procrastinating teenager, yet very respectful. He also needs and wants a father figure.
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Teenage boys of FSU Ma's can do no wrong ! ;)
My step-son arrived here, drank my booze (without asking) smoked like a trooper and got caution from the Police within two months .. THEN, I had to get his real Dad's permission to offer to send him back to Russia and serve in the army ...
He went on to get a good degree from Oxford, got British Citizenship and married a Japanese girl ...
It won't be easy ... but it will hopefully be worth it
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If you haven't already done so, read up on the extreme alcoholism problem in FSU.
Most of the women there have experienced this problem with the men in their lives and they certainly don't want to go through it with another man, anywhere.
Aside from that . . . I read your wording to my UW wife and she says . . . if the woman really does not plan to contribute her earnings to the family budget then . . . run, Forrest, run.
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I'm divorced and live in the Midwest (from the east coast originally) making it very difficult to meet someone.
Are you saying part of difficulty in meeting someone in Midwest is because you are from East coast originally? Why So ?
Being divorced making it difficult to meet someone ? Almost everyone is divorced, so . . . .
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I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes. She watches way too many YouTube videos on America and believes them.
Because she believes some Youtube videos, are you expecting she will be disappointed when she comes live with you? Have you sent her photos of your city and photos of inside and outside your house or apartment? You also told her she needs to work since your income is not enough. Full disclosure now. There should be no excuse why your current living conditions and where you live should upset her.
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Are you saying part of difficulty in meeting someone in Midwest is because you are from East coast originally? Why So ?
Being divorced making it difficult to meet someone ? Almost everyone is divorced, so . . . .
Where I live is like a small town, though it has 1.3 million people. It’s like the Twilight Zone, seriously. I have up dating here over a year ago. Also, the pool from which to choose is small. It’s no bueno. I’ve also tried long distance and most women refuse, even if it’s a 2-3 hour drive. So yeah...
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Because she believes some Youtube videos, are you expecting she will be disappointed when she comes live with you? Have you sent her photos of your city and photos of inside and outside your house or apartment? You also told her she needs to work since your income is not enough. Full disclosure now. There should be no excuse why your current living conditions and where you live should upset her.
Well, she’s seen pictures of the outside of my house and likes it. She’s seen parts of the inside. Once I get it immaculate (soon), I will send her a full video.
Someone earlier asked about why not Skyping daily. Well, it’s an 8 hour time difference and I have a full time job. Only works on weekends. But we do whatsapp texting and voice messages daily.
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Aside from that . . . I read your wording to my UW wife and she says . . . if the woman really does not plan to contribute her earnings to the family budget then . . . run, Forrest, run.
This, in spades. It is typical in Ukrainian families to blend finances when married. If she is telling you now that what you earn is hers, and what she earns is hers, you are in trouble. You could also point out to her this isn't the "Western" mentality. In a "Western" mentality, if finances are separate, the parties contribute amounts (anywhere from equal to proportionate based on earnings), to household expenses. Tell her that, and see how she reacts. If it's badly, in your shoes, I would drop her.
Resolve all these things now. Finances is the number 1 reason for divorce.
This post was composed without the aid of google.
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This, in spades. It is typical in Ukrainian families to blend finances when married. If she is telling you now that what you earn is hers, and what she earns is hers, you are in trouble. You could also point out to her this isn't the "Western" mentality. In a "Western" mentality, if finances are separate, the parties contribute amounts (anywhere from equal to proportionate based on earnings), to household expenses. Tell her that, and see how she reacts. If it's badly, in your shoes, I would drop her.
Resolve all these things now. Finances is the number 1 reason for divorce.
This post was composed without the aid of google.
Agree 1000%. I’m fortunate I have a female Russian friend here who is talking sense into her. This woman moved here as a single mother when her son was 12. Very similar to my situation. She makes great money as a massage therapist. My fiancé has a Finance degree, so no excuse for her to keep all her earnings for herself once she gets a work permit.
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R/U women have heads like a rock and are convinced that they know everything and whatever they don't know their girlfriends know.
This exactly! I've been told that I am a "not smart man" (she's afraid of saying stupid) several times and advice from her friends almost broke us up once.
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This exactly! I've been told that I am a "not smart man" (she's afraid of saying stupid) several times and advice from her friends almost broke us up once.
OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing. I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.
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I am not certain counselling will help. This is an issue of trust.
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Well, she’s seen pictures of the outside of my house and likes it. She’s seen parts of the inside. Once I get it immaculate (soon), I will send her a full video.
I realise this is a factor of US immigration regs, but it it is nuts for a future partner not to see how / where you live, before marrying.
Someone earlier asked about why not Skyping daily. Well, it’s an 8 hour time difference and I have a full time job. Only works on weekends. But we do whatsapp texting and voice messages daily.
It was me, and I stand by my assertion. We say, " good morning" and "good night", by V.chat.
I realise I am stamping my version of life, but a wife/fiancé apart (to me) both want to communicate and see each other.
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(http://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.lfB8HdzTIU3e4RMLJpTpqgAAAA%26pid%3DApi&f=1)
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OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing. I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.
Since we aren't talking about Oklahoma here, you are a hot commodity. Keep that in mind throughout the process. You don't need to be arrogant, but if you are aware that you have a lot of choices, perhaps you are more apt to make a decision based on your preferences, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It is a risk no matter what, trying to minimize the risk by weeding out obvious mismatches will save you years of upset and potential financial ruin.
Fathertime!
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Since we aren't talking about Oklahoma here, you are a hot commodity. Keep that in mind throughout the process. You don't need to be arrogant, but if you are aware that you have a lot of choices, perhaps you are more apt to make a decision based on your preferences, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It is a risk no matter what, trying to minimize the risk by weeding out obvious mismatches will save you years of upset and potential financial ruin.
Fathertime!
I’ll tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country. While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me. I love and more importantly understand Latin culture. I don’t understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge. And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.
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Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
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Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
Not helpful. Because I’m not a millionaire, I can’t make her happy? Good to know. You don’t know what I have.
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Not helpful. Because I’m not a millionaire, I can’t make her happy? Good to know. You don’t know what I have.
You are blaming her and trying to change her , she is finished , she won't mould to you . Find someone cheaper, this is all common sense . Why get with her if you two are already fighting. You need to rethink if she is right for you , I never said give up on women .
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Quite
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I’ll tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country. While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me. I love and more importantly understand Latin culture. I don’t understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge. And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.
"I’ll tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country."
What is it that you would ''have to do all over''? This isn't like Christmas shopping at Walmart.
In case you didn't know it...Latin America is already here.
After a year...if you still feel ''bit in the ass over the culture'' then maybe it's just not for you. Find someone cheaper
Right. When the blind lead the blind...over a cliff they both go.
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Some of you need to read the book love languages , OPs fiances love language is money , OP does not have money . Now you are trying to change a middle aged woman's love language, and you call me blind? Find someone who speaks a love language that you can abide to , really simple .
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OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing. I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.
I don't know your situation except what you've posted here.
I assume you both have strong feelings and shared values
for/with each other otherwise you hopefully wouldn't have
started the K1 paperwork.
My view from afar is that you haven't done all the due diligence
and had all the necessary conversations yet.
The infrequency of your Skype conversations is alarming. If you
have lunch at noon that's 9pm in the East.
My questions are
1. How many meetings have you had?
2. How many days have you spent together face to face?
Lastly, have you had a conversation about rules and discipline
for her son? What happens if he doesn't follow the rules? Or
pushes your boundaries? Have you already determined together
what will happen?
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The infrequency of your Skype conversations is alarming.
This. I married before the collapse of the USSR, and we couldn't afford to phone each other often, but we both lived for those calls. I'm surprised she doesn't want to touch base with you, at the very least, daily.
Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
Money doesn't make people happy. There are a lot of unhappy millionaires, even billionaires.
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Some of you need to read the book love languages , OPs fiances love language is money , OP does not have money . Now you are trying to change a middle aged woman's love language, and you call me blind? Find someone who speaks a love language that you can abide to , really simple .
Do you hear yourself? Money isn’t a love language!!! I don’t live under a bridge. I do very well, thank you. Top 5% of earners in America.
That said, I’ve been poor during the recession, and I just don’t want to ever be unstable financially. I’m in a good position now, but I won’t jeopardize that.
We match on love languages. Quality time and acts of service. Of course those aren’t set in stone. Quality time is, but the others vary.
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I doubt money truly is the issue. I think from her perspective, it is about trust - what if you start drinking, or beat her, or cheat on her? She is in a new country, she doesn't know what sorts of skills she will have, or how she can escape. That's probably why she wants the money she earns to be "her" money. Or, she may want to stay, if her son is settled in the US, and she knows she will need her own money to survive. I think that is probably what is behind her view, and it's because of what she sees around her. She may have even heard horror stories of women married to foreigners.
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I doubt money truly is the issue. I think from her perspective, it is about trust - what if you start drinking, or beat her, or cheat on her? She is in a new country, she doesn't know what sorts of skills she will have, or how she can escape. That's probably why she wants the money she earns to be "her" money. Or, she may want to stay, if her son is settled in the US, and she knows she will need her own money to survive. I think that is probably what is behind her view, and it's because of what she sees around her. She may have even heard horror stories of women married to foreigners.
I can see that point of view. I work on the trust thing daily by being consistent, whether we’re together or not. She’s also so direct I’ve had to change how I interpret what she says. I can take things personally. This money question will be dealt with even if I have to bring it up in counseling myself, but I doubt I will have to. That’s one of the dozen or so topics concerned in any premarital counseling. She will have a decent nest egg when she sells her condo. It’s just odd to me. She wants to reinvest in property here and I suggested to invest it for her son’s college. There’s a lot I can teach her if she’s willing to listen. I just have to be careful how I say things so she doesn’t get defensive or argumentative.
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Do you hear yourself? Money isn’t a love language!!! I don’t live under a bridge. I do very well, thank you. Top 5% of earners in America.
Do you even know her love language? Money is a love language, some people like a man to handle stuff, buy gifts etc . So you are top 5% earner, why do you care what she does with the money? In the end, if you two are going to be with each other for life, that money will be jointly yours, even in a divorce, you will get half of the millions she will stack away. Or do you not trust her spending?
Why did you choose countries where the salary is low, to find love? THere are many romeos in Russia/Ukraine, but not many can match your top 5% US salary, that is what you got. Now the dangled that in these coutnries, and want to remove the security from her?
After me, my fiance went with a guy in Russia, he told her on the first day, he will buy her a car, never need to cook, he will handle everything. He lied, she cheated on him, bit of a warning, if you push a FSUW to her limits , she will stab you in the back cleanly. Don't play games.
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This. I married before the collapse of the USSR, and we couldn't afford to phone each other often, but we both lived for those calls. I'm surprised she doesn't want to touch base with you, at the very least, daily.
Agreed, when i was engaged, my fiance demanded we video chat everyday, even night before her exams. She was in the Top university in Russia, top 3 in her class to be a Dr, dominated the gym, and still found time. Unlike OP, at the time i was broke.
Money doesn't make people happy. There are a lot of unhappy millionaires, even billionaires.
Agreed,but security makes people happy, up to a certain point. More is not better, but no security is no fun
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Do you even know her love language? Money is a love language, some people like a man to handle stuff, buy gifts etc . So you are top 5% earner, why do you care what she does with the money? In the end, if you two are going to be with each other for life, that money will be jointly yours, even in a divorce, you will get half of the millions she will stack away. Or do you not trust her spending?
Why did you choose countries where the salary is low, to find love? THere are many romeos in Russia/Ukraine, but not many can match your top 5% US salary, that is what you got. Now the dangled that in these coutnries, and want to remove the security from her?
After me, my fiance went with a guy in Russia, he told her on the first day, he will buy her a car, never need to cook, he will handle everything. He lied, she cheated on him, bit of a warning, if you push a FSUW to her limits , she will stab you in the back cleanly. Don't play games.
You’re confusing money with “gifts”. That’s not her top love language. I wanted to find a woman with better values who was serious about marriage and family. I found her. It’s not perfect, but pretty great. I just have to set expectations with her. I’ve told her many times I’m not rich, but she knows I have a good job. Those things are true.
Also, I don’t lie to her. I’ve told her I believe marriage is a partnership. Not that I won’t treat her well, but we will share household responsibilities and expenses. I will bring her gifts and do other small things like date nights and things like that. Neither of us expects extravagance and she’s in fact a minimalist. We both prefer experiences to “stuff”. She only spends on beauty products because Ukrainian women are vain. That’s fine. I’m also vain to a lesser degree. So yeah, it’s been discussed, just needs more discussion.
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I’ll tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country. While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me. I love and more importantly understand Latin culture. I don’t understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge. And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.
Currently you still have choices. As the getting to know you phase continues it would be ok to change your mind. Overall a foreign bride is a risk, but given your current situation it seems like a good one to take. You should be a little careful though and if it were me, having a 14 year old boy (Stepson) around the house is not a positive, even if he is a great kid. What about having children of your own with your current lady (Or another) is that on the table?
Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
It seems that Atlguy, does have money although my experience is that not THAT much money is necessary. In this particular case though with a child also involved costs are elevated. Being broke isn't a recipe for success but having an adequate income is likely good. That is completely dependent on the lady. Some don't need nor want much at all really, others would need income of 500,000 yearly to be happy. It will be up to the OP to determine where he and his lady are on this spectrum.
Fathertime!
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I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes.
I do very well, thank you. Top 5% of earners in America.
These two sentences you posted are inconsistent.
It does not take 2 incomes, if one income is that high.
You still may WANT for her to work and contribute toward expenses; but a top 5% earner does not NEED any help.
Rich is a different concept (in my books) referring more to accumulated Net Worth.
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I do very well, thank you. Top 5% of earners in America.
These two sentences you posted are inconsistent.
It does not take 2 incomes, if one income is that high.
So it would seem.
Your problem... is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
Gee there Japtats at $300K+ I don't agree with that at all.
That or somebody is shining us on.........
http://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/how-much-income-puts-you-top-1-5-10/
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So it would seem. Gee there Japtats at $300K+ I don't agree with that at all.
That or somebody is shining us on.........
http://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/how-much-income-puts-you-top-1-5-10/
You called me blind. She is complaining, but you have it in your head everything is oky dokey. Listen to her, she is complaining, they are even in couple's therapy. He needs to make a choice , support her and the step child, and expect nothing financial in return, or find a new woman. She has set what she wants, now you want to put her through therapy, prescribe her some drugs, because she doesn't bend to his demands? Are you crazy?There are millions of women out there, this woman wants something he isn't delivering, if he doesn't want to deliver, leave her to someone else. instead of changing the lady.
I have no idea what he makes, nor do i care, all i am saying, she ain't happy, and he needs to change, or jump ship. He thinks she is the problem, but there is no problem, it is just they are a mismatch, so simple, expect most of you are trying to change people to bend to what you want.
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Currently you still have choices. As the getting to know you phase continues it would be ok to change your mind. Overall a foreign bride is a risk, but given your current situation it seems like a good one to take. You should be a little careful though and if it were me, having a 14 year old boy (Stepson) around the house is not a positive, even if he is a great kid. What about having children of your own with your current lady (Or another) is that on the table?
It seems that Atlguy, does have money although my experience is that not THAT much money is necessary. In this particular case though with a child also involved costs are elevated. Being broke isn't a recipe for success but having an adequate income is likely good. That is completely dependent on the lady. Some don't need nor want much at all really, others would need income of 500,000 yearly to be happy. It will be up to the OP to determine where he and his lady are on this spectrum.
Fathertime!
Valid points. We can have a child together, but I'm in my early 50's, so I doubt we will. I want to be a father figure. This boy hasn't really had a dad and he'd like one. Of course it won't be easy, but this is what I'm signing up for. I have money, but I'm not rich. There is a huge difference. No, I don't make $500k a year, and I don't want a woman who expects me to pay for everything. Thats what I have to flush out. I just wish she'd said something earlier when I told her she needs to help. She needs to help because I want her to. If she doesn't and lets say it were to not work out, well, I'll never be able to retire. these are things you think about when you've been through what I have and at my age.
Japtats, you sound very immature. Premarital counseling is actually a GOOD thing. I didn't do it in my first marriage and I'll be damned if I'll make that mistake again. This will help us communicate. For you to say I want to prescribe her drugs? She's not complaining, its a conversation. Your point of view is severely flawed and not helpful.
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Valid points. We can have a child together, but I'm in my early 50's, so I doubt we will. I want to be a father figure. This boy hasn't really had a dad and he'd like one.
Early 50's isn't too old for a man to have a child. If that is what you want/dream, you should really go for it, and clarify the lady is ok with it too during marriage counseling if you haven't already. It isn't too late for you to go after what you really want. Being honest with yourself and your current lady now will be key to getting what you want later!
Fathertime!
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Early 50's isn't too old for a man to have a child. If that is what you want/dream, you should really go for it, and clarify the lady is ok with it too during marriage counseling if you haven't already. It isn't too late for you to go after what you really want. Being honest with yourself and your current lady now will be key to getting what you want later!
Fathertime!
Thank you so much for saying this. I would love to have my own and she is open to it. She wasn't really at first, but as she got to know me said she'd have my child. Its a hard decision to make for both of us since hers will be away at college in 4 years. At the end of the day I really have to decide if its still worth it to me to have my own, just given my age. I go back and forth with it. She really is wonderful. The only reason I'm here is to get help with the cultural differences/expectations and reconcile them. I never expected it to be this challenging. Good news is I have a Russian friend who is really helping me communicate what life is like here. She came over with a 12 year old son 15 years ago and married an American man. I think we will be around them a lot and they will introduce us to the small community here. There is a slim chance I get a position in Atlanta, which surely has a larger community, I just don't know any Russian/Ukrainians in Atlanta like I do here.
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I think we will be around them a lot and they will introduce us to the small community here. There is a slim chance I get a position in Atlanta, which surely has a larger community, I just don't know any Russian/Ukrainians in Atlanta like I do here.
That would be a mistake. Check with Doug (Calmissile) who posts here.
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That would be a mistake. Check with Doug (Calmissile) who posts here.
What exactly would be the mistake? Moving or introducing them to a community? And why?
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What exactly would be the mistake? Moving or introducing them to a community? And why?
There are numerous threads on the forum on just this subject. My suggestion to you is to not move in this direction for a number of reasons. She is going to be solely dependent on you to help her adjust and adapt. The relationship seriously is going to likely be at it's weakest point (unless it all goes down hill from there). Let her make her own friends and chose her own company. Help her to do so but don't get involved otherwise you'll come off as controlling. You need to focus on facilitating her adjustment for her, not you. There is a fine line in helping her adjust to life in the US and being controlling. Help her succeed but give her room to fail, too.
My wife shied away from expats living in the US yet they found her. In over a dozen years we've probably had 15 or so friends/couples East/West, who we met various ways (many where they sought my wife out). All of them are no long married to each other. It sounds like bad odds and it is but it's what you'll be up against. Forget the expat community or finding her friends. She'll find those on her own if she is adjusting
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What exactly would be the mistake? Moving or introducing them to a community? And why?
There are some excellent members of the Russian community and then
there are some who are not. My advice is to let her find and make her
own friends. She knows how to spot dubious Russians and you probably
don't.
I do recommend finding a Russian food market and bringing her there to
buy some things that she misses from home.
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There are some excellent members of the Russian community and then
there are some who are not. My advice is to let her find and make her
own friends. She knows how to spot dubious Russians and you probably
don't.
I do recommend finding a Russian food market and bringing her there to
buy some things that she misses from home.
The Russian woman I’ve already introduced her to views marriage as a partnership, at least financially, so she’s in my corner. She’s also convinced my fiancé to start listening to my suggestions. Life saver, really. But to your point I don’t know her friends and if they view things the same. The issue is this is in motion. I have found a Russian grocery store and purchased a few things to try myself.
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The Russian woman I’ve already introduced her to views marriage as a partnership, at least financially, so she’s in my corner. She’s also convinced my fiancé to start listening to my suggestions. Life saver, really. But to your point I don’t know her friends and if they view things the same. The issue is this is in motion. I have found a Russian grocery store and purchased a few things to try myself.
Back when I lived in the Bay area in California, I had a Russian girlfriend who lived
in Redding California 3 1/2 hours away. I took her to a Russian market and she
bought this dry salted fish and she smelt like cat food when she kissed me but
it was worth it, because she missed it so much and it made her so happy.
Angel Eyes doesn't care for American sunflower seeds, but LOVES Russian
sunflower seeds. So she buys a huge bag in the Russian market for about $7
and is happy for hours.
Personally, I think Russian sour cream (smetana) tastes better than American
but Angel Eyes loves American sour cream just as much.
If you want to try something tasty and simple, I recommend pelmeni. You
can buy them frozen and pour them into a pot with some water and heat
them up. Add sour cream and enjoy.
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IGNORE those that tell you not to introduce your lady to FSU expats .. Trust her to make informed decisions
IGNORE those that tell you not to get her her own language TV channels
IF this lady loves and trusts you she will appreciate it ..She has come a long way from home and if you haven't lived in a country where English isn't the first language, then believe me..I have ... hearing something in your mother tongue can relax
IGNORE those who speak of 'immersion' ... if she wants to learn to enjoy her new life, she'll try to learn English
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Your lady will know with whom she wants to associate. In your shoes, once she arrives, I would ask if she wants to meet that Russian woman. Leave the decision to her.
My better half arrived here shortly after the collapse, long before the "MOB" industry was established. But, over the years, he has never wanted anything to do with anyone from the FSU.
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IGNORE those that tell you not to introduce your lady to FSU expats .. Trust her to make informed decisions
IGNORE those that tell you not to get her her own language TV channels
IF this lady loves and trusts you she will appreciate it ..She has come a long way from home and if you haven't lived in a country where English isn't the first language, then believe me..I have ... hearing something in your mother tongue can relax
IGNORE those who speak of 'immersion' ... if she wants to learn to enjoy her new life, she'll try to learn English
She does know English, it just exhausts her to have to speak it all the time. I think that will get better in time, but she is what I would consider fluent. Just needs advanced English classes for the grammar piece so she can find a job.
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Pre-marital counseling?
WTF?!
Train wreck in the making. Marriages are 99% over if they require counseling. Abort!
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Pre-marital counseling?
WTF?!
Train wreck in the making. Marriages are 99% over if they require counseling. Abort!
Get your facts straight. Premarital counseling leads to 30% lower divorce rates! I need help with the cultural differences and we both need help in learning how to resolve conflict. Its a growth area, not a negative thing.