Author Topic: Time for some Humor!! (Read 481846 times)

2tallbill · « **Reply #2400 on:** December 27, 2015, 08:53:28 PM »

A vibrator: the original selfie stick

You can tell how much a woman likes you by looking at her feet.
If they are behind her ears then she really likes you

2tallbill · « **Reply #2401 on:** December 27, 2015, 08:54:01 PM »

2tallbill · « **Reply #2402 on:** December 27, 2015, 10:42:46 PM »

ML · « **Reply #2403 on:** December 28, 2015, 10:13:34 AM »

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Lily · « **Reply #2404 on:** December 31, 2015, 03:13:10 PM »

Grandfather Frost and Santa Claus

2tallbill · « **Reply #2405 on:** January 01, 2016, 01:05:33 PM »

2tallbill · « **Reply #2406 on:** January 02, 2016, 09:56:52 PM »

ML · « **Reply #2407 on:** January 03, 2016, 01:01:23 PM »

Are You A Republican, Democrat or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ........ ........ .........

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
............ ......... ......... ........ ......... ......

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next clip?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!

2tallbill · « **Reply #2408 on:** January 03, 2016, 01:13:59 PM »

ML, Gator scooped you on that joke

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=14359.msg299693#msg299693

Re: Newt or Mitt VS Obama. Can either of 'em beat him?

« Reply #380 on: May 16, 2012, 09:15:08 AM »
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

ML · « **Reply #2409 on:** January 03, 2016, 06:02:45 PM »

But the rule is that jokes need to be repeated after 3 years.

2tallbill · « **Reply #2410 on:** January 04, 2016, 12:01:34 PM »

Quote from: ML on January 03, 2016, 06:02:45 PM

But the rule is that jokes need to be repeated after 3 years.

Whoops, I missed the time frame. My bad

tfcrew · « **Reply #2411 on:** January 05, 2016, 12:54:06 PM »

re last ...

The democrat would not be carrying a .45

According to VP Biden he should just have a double barrel shotgun and fire two warning shots and then harshly command the assailant to retreat.

2tallbill · « **Reply #2412 on:** January 05, 2016, 02:16:14 PM »

Quote from: tfcrew on January 05, 2016, 12:54:06 PM

re last ...

The democrat would not be carrying a .45

According to VP Biden he should just have a double barrel shotgun and fire two warning shots and then harshly command the assailant to retreat.

Yes, but it would be unassembled in a gun safe with double trigger locks and
the shells would be in a separate storage safe at a different location. A liberal
would never have it on his person in public, what would they say at the latte
house during the Friedrich Engels misunderstood philosophy reading?

sleepycat · « **Reply #2413 on:** January 05, 2016, 04:15:41 PM »

Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder, a Putin inspired fragrance has been launched in Russia...
http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/putin-fragrance-cologne-perfume/2016/01/05/id/708223/

Now us men can go shirtless to show some sagging man-boobs, spray on this fragrance and aspire to look like the famed botox midget.

JayH · « **Reply #2414 on:** January 05, 2016, 04:37:09 PM »

Quote from: sleepycat on January 05, 2016, 04:15:41 PM

Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder, a Putin inspired fragrance has been launched in Russia...
http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/putin-fragrance-cologne-perfume/2016/01/05/id/708223/

Now us men can go shirtless to show some sagging man-boobs, spray on this fragrance and aspire to look like the famed botox midget.

Many toilets( bathrooms !!) have a fragrance deodoriser to get rid of that smell!

tfcrew · « **Reply #2415 on:** January 06, 2016, 11:13:11 AM »

2tallbill · « **Reply #2416 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:15:56 PM »

I was at Costco so I bought a bottle of Patron Silver and a Turbo tax program.
Guess what? I'm getting a $4 million dollar refund!!!

2tallbill · « **Reply #2417 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:39:04 PM »

I've been on hold so long, I can't remember who I called.
I have my credit card out and my pants are off but that
doesn't really narrow it down much.

ML · « **Reply #2418 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:40:56 PM »

Why not?

Guys in prison are getting tax refunds.

2tallbill · « **Reply #2419 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:47:14 PM »

2tallbill · « **Reply #2420 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:52:43 PM »

Quote from: ML on January 08, 2016, 12:40:56 PM

Why not?

Guys in prison are getting tax refunds.

We were so loaded that we looked for my friend Ralph
for two hours (and he helped us look!)

2tallbill · « **Reply #2421 on:** January 08, 2016, 12:55:07 PM »

50% of marriages end in divorce
100% of pizza deliveries end in happiness

Score
Pizza .......... 1
Love........... 0

My 25 year old son asked me to explain women to him.
So I bought him an X box game for his Play Station.

Back when I was in High School my girl friend called and said.
"come over, nobody is home !"
I rushed over and nobody was home

2tallbill · « **Reply #2422 on:** January 12, 2016, 12:05:37 PM »

Taylor Swift has 87 songs about a man leaving her and zero songs
about blow jobs. I think it's pretty clear where she is going wrong.

2tallbill · « **Reply #2423 on:** January 12, 2016, 12:15:44 PM »

Damn, I knew I shouldn't have bought them a puppy!

ML · « **Reply #2424 on:** January 20, 2016, 08:43:12 PM »

Donald Trump's Children's Book

http://www.facebook.com/100008147201796/videos/1667421816872709/

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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!! (Read 481846 times)

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