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Author Topic: Reactions from other people in your life  (Read 37227 times)

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Offline jen

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Reactions from other people in your life
« on: July 16, 2007, 09:35:56 AM »
Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of the useful comments on the last thread. That one can continue, but I am starting a new thread to consider a question that was just raised there since I had been planning to ask it anyway. (One of those comments is quoted below for reference.)

Question:

How have others in your life -- friends, family, and colleagues from home -- reacted to your interest in FSUW?

Do people "get it"?  How do you explain it to them? Do they have particular stereotypes about FSUW, and/or do they assume anything about you (AM) and your motivations?  If so, does this lead to any conflicts, particularly if you are already married and have a family or network of friends that is not accepting of your choice?  (Or perhaps the people in your life are happy for you -- I imagine people have had some different experiences.)

I am not asking here about general perceptions you have observed in the U.S. (e.g., as seen in mass media), but about the reactions of those close to you, the people who know you but have not had experience with international dating before you.

I am still away from home and am doing my best to check in when I can. I'll do a better job of responding when I am back home Wednesday.

Thanks everyone, J.

Ken,

Elena is not even here yet and I am getting extremely rude comments about the whole deal.  I guess many of my friends were not sure of my sincerety and subsequently left their opinions reserved.  I have been very open about my visits to russia and the purpose of those visits.

I almost started another thread about the rudeness and crudeness I received Saturday night at a large social gathering.   Some of the woman (not all) were already insulting Elena - sight unseen.  These are wives and GF's of aquaintences of mine.  Many of the men are giving me suggestions of prenup and already have us divorced as soon as she gets her green card.  I'm in a small area as far as population goes - only about 40,000 people in the area.  So this means many of "us" know each other over the years.

I was having drinks at a bonfire at a friends camp and some of the women got me to a point that I said I was tired - and called a taxi.  Not only were they rude to me, but they were just rude in general to their own husbands.  The crap that comes out of their mouths is shocking.  It's like they want to be one of the boys.

I can only imagine what will happen once Elena gets here.  I know there will be some people that I will kick out of my life.  I think Elena will handle herself great - but I am not so sure how I will handle myself if I overhear some woman insult her.  I think there is going to be an adjustment period with a switch of "friends."

Don't get me wrong - I have many friends both men and women that I know will welcome Elena with open arms and go out of their way to make her feel comfortable.  I am referring to the "Some people" that I am unsure about.


Offline KenC

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2007, 09:44:28 AM »
When Lena first arrived here, my social circle was in shock.  But what was funny was how the AW reacted.  The single AW were pissed that I had the audacity to select a woman outside the "norm" (one of them).  And the married AW were threatened that maybe their husbands would dump them and go the route I took.  Women from the fsu were few and far between at the time, but it only took one to shake up their world!

I didn't tell everyone what I was up to when I went to meet Lena in Russia.  In fact, I really only told the true and complete story to a very close female friend of mine.  She knew that I had met many an AW on line so that wasn't much of a shock to her.  The best answer I could have imagined was when I asked this friend if I was crazy to go meet Lena?  She told me I was only crazy if I didn't go!

My ex had a funny comment to my daughter.  She asked "How is your father's Russian adoption going?"  My daughter responded, "just fine and I think Dad is going to go for a boy the next time!"

Like anything out of the "norm" people will not understand what it is that you are doing with a RW.  Many will hope and predict failure for you.  Prove them all wrong and live happily every after!  After almost 8 years of marriage, I am sure there are still some doubters out there on our situation too.  Whatever!
KenC
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Offline Wayne B

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2007, 10:47:37 AM »
I remember my first trip was to Novosibirsk, 2003....my father was beside himself.....wanting to know how I could be so 'crazy' He was still stuck in the cold war mentality.... ;) For the most part my family and friends thought the same way...I believe that they were more concerned about my safety... As time went on I made several trips to the Ukraine, Kiev and Odessa....no luck with women but, I enjoyed my trips learning about the culture, food and the views of these two cities ;) In 2006 I decided to visit Kharkov, to meet a few women that I had been talking with especially one...we had a date my first day there....good date, had fun but, no chemistry....my second day in Kharkov I met Anna!  Many and I was one of them believe in no love at first sight......Boy was I wrong....I had wrote Anna maybe 5 letters before my trip and she seemed very sincere in her letters to me...but, she was not my first choice because of her photos.....but, when I saw her eye to eye for the first time....I almost fell on the floor ;)  We were together, the rest of my stay there, after her work or before her work. After a few trips later, we became engaged!  :D      When I told my family that we were starting the K-1, They became more and more interested about Anna and her family.....My guy friends became more curious and supportive...my girl friend all of them...had the smart-a$$ remark...of ooh you got you a MOB....To them I said yes...FedEx is supposed to deliver her here any day now >:(   That pissed them off :D   Since Anna, has arrived here...every one has accepted her with open arms....especially my children, mother, brother and close friends :D   A few of my girl friends...while being nice to Anna...I can see the jealousy on their faces :-[ 

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2007, 11:24:36 AM »
Jen though you have already read this so I am posting it here with some additional comments for others,

KenC, while some of what is written below reads very similar to what you have written I wrote this 6 years ago.

You need to understand that some of your friends and associates may change, the men I have associated with who have American wife's have diminished considerably mostly because their wife's are extremely jealous of my wife and uncomfortable being around her. They do not like the differences and although my lady is generally very quiet about replying to snide comments and at times out right preaching by some of the American wife's, my lady has from time to time replied with brutal truthfulness to these ladies, much to their collective dismay. So after a while these same ladies have pressured their husbands to not attend our social functions or accompany me on hunting, fishing or other activities we have enjoyed for many years.

To continue further my friends and family knew nothing about my search for a lady from the FSU, even my numerous trips were unknown to them so it came as surprise when I let both friends and family know about Victoria. Generally the first question was "why" and honestly that was the most difficult question, then came they "how" and that brought the reference to her as a "Mail Order Bride" to which I replied that nothing could be further from the truth but they still did not understand. Then came the quiet acceptance that this was something that was going to happen but no one understood the "why and how" but they did know the when which was going fairly soon.

After Victoria arrived and had some time to rest we went about the process of meeting the family which as expected went very well. My friends and associates were another issue as you have already read above but I will say that the reaction by the men was far different than the women who as KenC so aptly stated were very concerned if no outright worried that their husband would dump them for a lady like Victoria.

TigerPaws 


Offline Lily

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2007, 11:32:26 AM »
Good question jen. Sorry I cannot contribute on the substance, but this issue bothers me a lot. For a part, my participation in this forum was aimed at getting info on how such couples are perceived in the West.

I am looking for a man in order to make him very happy. I am here to improve his life. Otherwise the whole pursuit is nothing worth for me. As far as his social circle is important for him, it is similarly important for me. Obviously, the reaction of shock or disaprovement is not quite my vision of him being happy..

It looks like the image of MOBs and illegal immigrants make this task a challenge for a woman. Prejudices are a mighty thing, so we are having a strong enemy here. Somehow we would have to pave our way to the hearts of his important ones..
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Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2007, 11:42:35 AM »
Lily,

There is an up side to what we are talking about, a gentleman's family, friends and acquaintances who stay around will be people that will accept you for who you are and those are the people who are important.

TigerPaws

Offline Wayne B

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2007, 11:51:28 AM »
Lily, our wives are our important path to our hearts....and you will also make a very lucky man feel the same way ;D  That being said....my family...and a very large family mite I add...Have all bent over back wards to make Anna, welcomed and to feel at home here....and our next door neighbors have also made Anna feel at home as well....Anna, will go over to their homes when she see's them outdoors.......A few hours later, I will call them, and ask them if they would please send Anna home....because it is time for supper ;D

Offline ecr844

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2007, 12:05:06 PM »
Lily,

There is an up side to what we are talking about, a gentleman's family, friends and acquaintances who stay around will be people that will accept you for who you are and those are the people who are important.

TigerPaws


It is invaluable to know who your 'real' friends are. Hopefully, none of you will learn the hard way. As the old saying goes...

Quote from: unknown, also quoted in the movie Navy Seals-Charlie Sheen
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Not your money, or your wife
« Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 12:08:00 PM by ecr844 »


Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2007, 12:06:25 PM »
Quote
There is an up side to what we are talking about, a gentleman's family, friends and acquaintances who stay around will be people that will accept you for who you are and those are the people who are important.
Exactly & the rest are just trailer trash that you don't want hanging around anyway. The ones that do stick it out will become very good friends to you both, which is exactly what you want in your life!! ;D
I lost what were some very good friends over remarks they made before I even left to come here. As most know I ain't much for being PC & I ain't much for hiding what I feel. I tell it like it is & may all be damned for all I care.
My favorite reply to the question "Why", was "Because I don't want a wife like yours!". Too simple & too true. Every guy I said it to was married to a woman that was severly overwieght & those were the couples I got the most snide remarks from. All they ever saw was her picture but they could tell their wives weren't even in the same ballpark much less the same game. The women were upset because they had been trying to marry me off to their fat cousins for years & I just wasn't going there, thanks, but no thanks.
My family was more concerned about my travelling to Russia. Still had that cold war mentality. After living here for 4+ years I think they are starting to get it. ::) As far as my wife goes they have already accepted her & have never met her. If she makes me happy, they are kool with it. They were concerned at first that she may have been after my money & when I just laughed & said she has likely got more than me the subject never came up again.
Everytime I get a letter from home from my mother or sister they never forget to send their love & a big Hello to Valya. They always ask after her & express their concern that she is well & healthy, so I think she already made the grade. Can't wait till they finally get to meet her!!
You find out fast who your real friends are when you do something as far out of the box as we have!!  ;D ;)
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Offline groovlstk

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2007, 12:10:32 PM »
Since my wife's arrival in the US eight months ago, my list of "friends" has dwindled. I was aware that this would likely happen thanks to posts from other married people who've experienced the same thing and recounted their experiences. One thing surprised me: my family (who are very warm and accepting of my wife, by the way) and friends were very eager to meet Polina; I knew they were skeptical and that they likely assumed the worst (i.e., that I married her simply because she's beautiful and/or that she married me simply because she wants a Green Card), but I figured if they met her a few times and talked to her and saw how we were together they'd accept her.

I was wrong, at least as far as friends go. Many people whom I saw every weekend or every other weekend for years met my wife once after her arrival and we have yet to see them again, 6+ months later. Now, I know I'm terribly biased but my wife is one of the friendliest, funniest, kindest, and warmest people you will ever meet. So why have so many friends gone missing?

I can only speculate... at first I figured that some friends thought I was being naive, assumed she was using me, etc., and that a train wreck was imminent. I could understand why they'd look away - it's not pleasant to watch someone you care about step on a boobytrap that you can plainly see but that they're blind to. Beyond that, who knows? There's a jealousy factor in the wives of my married friends, for sure, but it's impossible to quantify. A few months ago, someone (probably one of my ex American GFs) started sending my wife and I anonymous emails filled with vile insults about our relationship. That really opened our eyes to how, potentially, some Americans look at us.

I'd also guess people are uncomfortable that we did things "differently" and that they view their own marriages as more legitimate. This is something I'd never agree with - only someone who has gone through this knows the difficulties and sacrifices that a man and woman must go through to make this work. We've only been living together for eight months, but in those eight months I've had to show more patience and understanding and sacrificed more than in all the previous relationships I've had in my 43 years combined. Heck, most of my married friends have it EASY in comparison, they were never faced with so many either/or decisions, their compromises to each other about vacation and TV-watching preferences - the stuff they bitch about - seem comical in comparison. I'd be willing to bet most of their relationships could never withstand the tests we've faced in such a short time... And if it sounds like I'm complaining, also know that I'd never choose differently, I'd go through this 1000 times over again just to be with her.

I said this in an earlier post and I'll repeat it, as my wife also repeats it often: there's "us" and then there's "everyone else." I think to have a chance at success in all this you have to be willing to abandon pretty much everything that you held dear before your wife arrives. The things you can keep are gravy - and I don't mean material things - but you have to be ready to let everything go.

Offline groovlstk

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2007, 12:25:16 PM »
I am looking for a man in order to make him very happy. I am here to improve his life. Otherwise the whole pursuit is nothing worth for me. As far as his social circle is important for him, it is similarly important for me. Obviously, the reaction of shock or disaprovement is not quite my vision of him being happy..

Lily, any guy who isn't 100% willing to deal with losing his friends over you is not worth your love--you deserve much better than that.

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2007, 12:42:36 PM »
in those eight months I've had to show more patience and understanding and sacrificed more than in all the previous relationships I've had in my 43 years combined. Heck, most of my married friends have it EASY in comparison, they were never faced with so many either/or decisions, their compromises to each other about vacation and TV-watching preferences - the stuff they bitch about - seem comical in comparison. I'd be willing to bet most of their relationships could never withstand the tests we've faced in such a short time... And if it sounds like I'm complaining, also know that I'd never choose differently, I'd go through this 1000 times over again just to be with her.
jen,

 I am not trying to steal any of goovlstk's thunder but I believe there is another thread in what he has said above.

TigerPaws

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2007, 12:44:10 PM »
Lily, any guy who isn't 100% willing to deal with losing his friends over you is not worth your love--you deserve much better than that.
:applaud:

Well said sir.

TigerPaws

Offline groovlstk

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2007, 12:55:00 PM »
jen,

 I am not trying to steal any of goovlstk's thunder but I believe there is another thread in what he has said above.

TigerPaws


The only part of my long-winded post that was duplicated is the final paragraph. I realize there's maybe a penalty for self-plagiarization, but hey I documented my source  ;D

Offline WmGO

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #14 on: July 16, 2007, 01:10:22 PM »
Well I see we have another social "scientist" studying WM.

My response to her question would be to advise WM not to discuss
their FSUW pursuits with anyone. Keep private things private. If the WM is successful then just proceed as normally as possible with your new life together once you bring your lady to your country. And don't worry about what other people think - and NEVER think or feel that you have to do any explaining, justifying or defending what you have done. And don't even begin to do so. It is your life. Live it the way you want to.

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2007, 01:10:32 PM »
The only part of my long-winded post that was duplicated is the final paragraph. I realize there's maybe a penalty for self-plagiarization, but hey I documented my source  ;D

You misunderstand sir I think a completely new thread should be devoted to your thoughts.

TigerPaws

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2007, 01:11:54 PM »
Well I see we have another social "scientist" studying WM.

My response to her question would be to advise WM not to discuss
their FSUW pursuits with anyone. Keep private things private. If the WM is successful then just proceed as normally as possible with your new life together once you bring your lady to your country. And don't worry about what other people think - and NEVER think or feel that you have to do any explaining, justifying or defending what you have done. And don't even begin to do so. It is your life. Live it the way you want to.

Ouch! You sound SO angry.

TigerPaws

Offline Bruno

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2007, 01:14:07 PM »
How have others in your life -- friends, family, and colleagues from home -- reacted to your interest in FSUW?

It was more a evolution...

First russian wife :
- about colleagues, no real comment since i was obligate to quit the army if i wish marry my RW... and same after this, it was needed two year for receive a civil passport...
- family... my mother is racist... all who is not from the village is foreign and she don't like foreign people... once i was married, she have not more allow me to visit her... until she have discover that my marriage have make her grand-mother... so, my wife and me was welcome for visit IF we was comming with the child...
- Friend, no problem at all...

Second Ukrainian ( not yet ) wife :
- collegue are happy
- family don't care
- Friend find that i am crazy to date again FSU ladies since my bad experience with the first one ( she was a GCG )

Final words... i don't care what other think... it is my own life and i make what i wish !!!

Offline Wayne B

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2007, 01:19:14 PM »
WmGO, please reread your post above.....because I think to share our FSU experiences is what RWD is all about...or am I wrong :-\

Offline WmGO

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2007, 01:26:00 PM »
TP,

Sorry but I am in a very good mood - my typical happy go lucky.
I just saw the opportunity to give some advice to newbies and others. Let me elaborate:

This is an old and recurring issue that has been hashed and rehashed on FSUW discussion forums for years. I always wondered why WM complained about how their friends, family, work associates, etc. reacted negatively to their announcement that they were searching Russia/Ukraine for a wife when the whole matter could be completely avoided by simply keeping private things private. Most WM never even end up bringing an FSUW to their country anyways- so why open up such a can of worms before even doing so? And if in the .01% chance he does, why should a WM think that he has to explain, justify, defend etc. his decision to do so?  Fact is, he doesn't. So why invite misery?

WayneB
I do not understand your point of concern. I am here *not* talking about WM sharing FSUW experiences on this internet forum - I am talking about WM telling everybody they know back home about their FSUW pursuits. Yes, not exactly what the social scientist was looking for but clearly something that needed to be interjected into this thread.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 01:28:43 PM by WmGO »

Offline Wayne B

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #20 on: July 16, 2007, 01:37:13 PM »
It was more a evolution...

- family... my mother is racist... all who is not from the village is foreign and she don't like foreign people...  until she have discover that my marriage have make her grand-mother... so, my wife and me was welcome for visit IF we was comming with the child...

Final words... i don't care what other think... it is my own life and i make what i wish !!!
  Bruno, your mama tell you that if you bring woman with 100% Grecian blood running through her veins....she is welcome in my home.......but, if woman is not 100% Greek in blood....no come to my home :(     But, mama...I have daughter ;D   Mama...why Bruno you no come see me with my Grandaughter.... :'(     Bruno :-\

Offline sensei

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2007, 01:39:36 PM »
groovlstk:
Quote
So why have so many friends gone missing?
Because their wives kept them on a tight leashed and forbid them from associating with you and your beautiful wife...or...their wives already snipped their balls?  ;)

Who knows? My gut is telling me that the AW were calling the shots, not the husbands. I agreed with what one poster said about contacting your friends at work. It is the least resistance approach to get them to tell you the truth about "why".

~sensei

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2007, 01:50:48 PM »
TP,
This is an old and recurring issue that has been hashed and rehashed on FSUW discussion forums for years. I always wondered why WM complained about how their friends, family, work associates, etc. reacted negatively to their announcement that they were searching Russia/Ukraine for a wife when the whole matter could be completely avoided by simply keeping private things private. Most WM never even end up bringing an FSUW to their country anyways- so why open up such a can of worms before even doing so? And if in the .01% chance he does, why should a WM think that he has to explain, justify, defend etc. his decision to do so?  Fact is, he doesn't. So why invite misery?
WmGO,

I understand your point but I believe what is being discussed is somewhat different and I agree that in general a man needs to keep his search to himself until he has found that one special lady, what is being discussed is what happens then.

TigerPaws
« Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 02:11:34 PM by TigerPaws »

Offline WmGO

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #23 on: July 16, 2007, 02:01:09 PM »
... what is being discusses is what happens then.

I Know, but if I had not interjected some advice newbies, intermediates and nonmember readers would have been deprived of the opportunity to receive some common sense problem avoidance advice that relates to the social "scientists" question.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  :)
« Last Edit: July 16, 2007, 02:04:48 PM by WmGO »

Offline KenC

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Re: Reactions from other people in your life
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2007, 02:37:35 PM »
I don't know, Tigerpaws, blabbing your business before you bring your lady home is related to how your friends will react once she is here.  I only shared with a very few people that I had met Lena after my first trip as I kind of had to explain why I was going back again.  Once they saw her photos, they understood without much explanation. 8)
KenC
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Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

 

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Re: American With Russian Fiancé - Scheduled For K1 Interview In Warsaw, BUT.... by Infoman
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Re: Plumber earnings by Trenchcoat
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Plumber earnings by ML
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Re: American With Russian Fiancé - Scheduled For K1 Interview In Warsaw, BUT.... by krimster2
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Re: American With Russian Fiancé - Scheduled For K1 Interview In Warsaw, BUT.... by Infoman
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American With Russian Fiancé - Scheduled For K1 Interview In Warsaw, BUT.... by 2tallbill
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Re: What to do by krimster2
Yesterday at 04:37:18 PM

If you don't know what you are talking about, post away anyway by 2tallbill
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Re: American With Russian Fiancé - Scheduled For K1 Interview In Warsaw, BUT.... by krimster2
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Re: What to do by krimster2
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