It's always the same song around here.

[GregfromGa]

So just an update. As everyone knows I did the whole being married for 7 year thing then another 3 years to get a divorce thing, The ex remarried then divorced about 6 months later. I helped my ex get her new place ready, moved, paint, grass cut, pool cleaned out etc etc. Her absolute deadbeat washout military husband is fighting her for 50/50 time with their daughter and no child support from him. She's temporally agreed to much more time without all the hassle than she ever did me and that's ok. Anyways so her mother and dad arrived and I drove to pick them up. For some reason I thought that maybe over the years that beast of a mom of hers would've softened toward me because she lived with her last douchebag husband as well. The INS officer kept them back there for a couple of hours and then came up to talk with me. He said my ex M-I-L had spent way way too much time here. I ask him to let them stay and when she went back she would stay longer. The ex M-I-L was so happy to see me. The gold teeth was shining. Well that lasted about 2 days. I got her dad a job making more in a week than he had made in 5 years but nothing is ever good enough. Before she arrived I was spending a lot of time with my kids. Now I cant go around the house and we're back to the order which my ex doesn't agree with most of the time. My kids see now how their babushka treats their father. She is a miserable woman. One day she will draw her last breath and the world will be a better place. My ex father-in-law who is still working is a good man, a humble man but he understands zero English. The mother has always made my ex choose sides. She is a selfish jealous woman. This is a rant. Can you tell. The ex deadbeat washout had the same issues with her. I've read the letters. I know she has thyroid problems. My luck is that beast will live to be a 100.

[Shadow]

Perhaps you may wish to think about why you are still running errands for your ex who obviously has zero respect for you.
Children I can understand, but you are going way beyond what you need to do.

[pokerintherear]

Gregoria

It is painful to read you stories. Please eject from your prior marriage and move on. There is so much out in the world to experience including women than to be fixated on a ex -wife. I know you say "what about my children"? You will learn as life goes on and children become older they will see their family life more clear. Maybe you are kept from a relationship with them now but as years go on and they become young adults your time lost will be rekindled.

If you keep telling these stories you will be required to turn in your "man card". Lack of self respect is unattractive. Your extended family sees you as a doormat and will continue to walk on you. Natures way. Please put a stop to it by disappearing from your ex families life.

[Gator]

There is so much out in the world to experience including women than to be fixated on a ex -wife.

My guess is that Greg is indeed fixated, not on his ex-wife, but on his children.  If a mother has problems and a rotten life, it will affect the children.  So Greg does little things to help the ex-wife and thus help his children.

I know you say "what about my children"? You will learn as life goes on and children become older they will see their family life more clear.  Maybe you are kept from a relationship with them now but as years go on and they become young adults your time lost will be rekindled.

His kids need him now.    Also, his kids are young and impressionable, and time with them now is very solidifying.    Finally, I gather Greg simply enjoys being around his kids even if he has to face the MIL Battleax.    My guess is that Greg somehow feels fulfilled knowing that he is making the best of a restricted, problematic situation. 

Walking away now and attempting to renew when his kids are young adults would be okay but not the same.   Heart-to-heart talks then would have to somehow advance past a sense of abandonment and the question, "Where were you Dad when we needed you?"

And do not forget the chivalry imprinted in many men from the Deep South.  In summary, it sounds like to me that Greg is the generous person in this convoluted family relationship. 

[pokerintherear]

I'm sure you have seen and heard of all the child custody cases that occur by hundreds each day in the courts around the USA. You know the process when parents cant agree or one parent wants to be the control freak. It is basically transferring all the family money to the lawyers. If you look at it with open eyes you can see the sad situation of this family game.

If Greg's accounts are accurate he is in a no win situation. He is trying to force the issue about being with his children. It wont work. It just transfers his hard earned money. He can pull all the rabbits he wants out of his magic hat and nothing will change. His ex wife and mother will dictate all with the children. Its good to be a fighter but in a custody divorce case you are wasting much energy. You know this and deep inside he knows as well. The courts are not man friendly and if the ex-wife is difficult to not agree with shared parenting you are spinning your wheels.

As hard as it is to imagine Greg must go on with his life and allow life to make his life better. Let nature work its magic. Its hard. If he lets go and takes what is offered directly or indirectly with the children by way of circumstances he will be in a better position in the future.

If they stay in USA as they grow their little minds will take in all regardless of what the mother and mother in law feed them. They will see what is what. Greg does not need to be a doormat for his children to see. They will eventually lose respect for him. If he takes the high road and lives a full prosperous life it will eventually register when they look at both of their parents.

Again this is part divorce in the USA. Its bad and nasty but part of life. He can be the big man in their life by taking a high road and not being engaged in the daily drama. He takes what he can with them without trying to force this parent time through the control freak mother. Smart kids will always see what you think they don't see.

[Drew]

I agree with Gator.  Greg is doing everything he can to try to insure the best for his children.  And that includes trying to help ex and her parents. 

He is not fixated on the ex, but he knows if she is in a bad situation, then his children will also be in a bad situation.

Rather than criticize Greg, just be thankful you are not in his shoes.

[pokerintherear]

I agree with Gator.  Greg is doing everything he can to try to insure the best for his children.  And that includes trying to help ex and her parents. 

This is one of the strangest comments I have read in a while. What are you saying? Greg must still be the husband but not actually married?

[Boethius]

No, it means he takes the high road and is respectful to the ex and her parents, as it affects his children.  Some day, they will grow up and they will understand he endured it all for their sake.

[pokerintherear]

No, it means he takes the high road and is respectful to the ex and her parents, as it affects his children.  Some day, they will grow up and they will understand he endured it all for their sake.

I already explained the way to take the high road. Your high road involves Greg being an enabler of bad behavior. This is giving your emotions and resources to a dysfunctional mother and mother in law to be used against you. This is the definition of crazy.

Greg should not sacrifice any more time and resources of his life thinking it will prove he loves them. Its called tough love and it always works the best.

[Boethius]

I don't believe Greg is under any illusion that either will ever love him.  Nor is he enabling bad behaviour.  His ex MIL and ex wife are acting as they would in any event.


Tough love doesn't work on "selyanska intelligentsia"..

[pokerintherear]

I don't believe Greg is under any illusion that either will ever love him.  Nor is he enabling bad behaviour.  His ex MIL and ex wife are acting as they would in any event.


Tough love doesn't work on "selyanska intelligentsia"..

How is he proving to be the "divorced dad of the year"?

[Boethius]

I didn't state that.  But his children will see that he was always respectful to their mother and grandmother.  When they are grown, they will understand the dynamics.


It's not as if he has to interact with the ex MIL daily.  It is for short periods, and it appears she won't be back for some time in any event.  So, what, exactly, does Greg gain, vis a vis his children, in being an SOB?

[Shadow]

For once I agree with poker. Greg will not improve the life his children have by constantly exposing them to fights.
The lies they are getting exposed to will be there anyways, and blame wil be put on him no matter what.
Greg can help besviding a stable environment for his children, and that means also keeping a distance.
When they grow up, the children will want to hear things from the horses mouth, and then they will find that theid dad might not be the devil like he was painted. They may even be able to tell their findings to Granny, which will shock her dicky ticker...

[Boethius]

I don't recall reading that they fought, just that their attitude hasn't changed.


Greg should never badmouth his ex, or MIL, to his kids.  They will see things from their own POV, and will understand from their own POV, when they are older.

[GregfromGa]

I don't think I need to turn in my man card because I want to be around my kids. Yes I helped my kids move and get settled in and yes when their divorce is final I will square it all up with her ex for spanking my child with a shoe and intimidating him. When I say "square it up" I mean just that. It wont be close. It wont be a contest. I want my kids to play at least one sport but the wife and the M-I-L doesn't want that. If I have to go back to court to get my son to wrestling practice then I'll spend the money. I will always be involved with my kids. Everything was civil before they arrived. She hates the fact I brought her daughter here. She says she will never forgive me. My kids see what a straight bitch this woman is. At least her mom died early so I have that going for me.

[fathertime]

I don't think I need to turn in my man card because I want to be around my kids. Yes I helped my kids move and get settled in and yes when their divorce is final I will square it all up with her ex for spanking my child with a shoe and intimidating him. When I say "square it up" I mean just that. It wont be close. It wont be a contest. I want my kids to play at least one sport but the wife and the M-I-L doesn't want that. If I have to go back to court to get my son to wrestling practice then I'll spend the money. I will always be involved with my kids. Everything was civil before they arrived. She hates the fact I brought her daughter here. She says she will never forgive me. My kids see what a straight bitch this woman is. At least her mom died early so I have that going for me.

Hey Greg, your story sounds like a total nightmare to me.  At least for me, before and after i divorced my American wife I took absolutely no shit from a mother in law.  My mil was a ballbuster to her husband and I could see that right away.  So when she started that crap with me I left her in tears several times, not because I wanted to, but because she deserved it and I wasn't catching what I felt was  unwarranted crap.  Now we don't talk at all, and I couldn't be happier about that.    You may not need to go that far, but it seems you should tighten up somewhat...when you start finding yourself wishing for her to die (which you may have to wait decades for) that is no way to have to live. If she is as horrible as you say,  I'd say give her hell now, while she alive!   


Fathertime!   

[lonedrake]

Greg,

 I think you are doing the right thing. Suck it up until the divorce is final. You need to be civil for your kids. You can't win when dealing with crazy.

[GregfromGa]

Hey Greg, your story sounds like a total nightmare to me.  At least for me, before and after i divorced my American wife I took absolutely no shit from a mother in law.  My mil was a ballbuster to her husband and I could see that right away.  So when she started that crap with me I left her in tears several times, not because I wanted to, but because she deserved it and I wasn't catching what I felt was  unwarranted crap.  Now we don't talk at all, and I couldn't be happier about that.    You may not need to go that far, but it seems you should tighten up somewhat...when you start finding yourself wishing for her to die (which you may have to wait decades for) that is no way to have to live. If she is as horrible as you say,  I'd say give her hell now, while she alive!   


Fathertime!

I'm a very forgiving person for the most part. I get the fact that her daughter lives 6 time zones from her and of course it's all my fault but after 10 years it's past time to let it go. If I had not been a provider then it would be different. You have to realize that this woman cant give me a minutes focking peace whenever we are around each other. She was raised to hate America and she hasn't forgotten that. I wish her daughter would've stood up to her at least once during our marriage. Well I take that back, she did twice and both times the M-I-L acted like she was having a heart problem/complications. Put it like this, I cant describe in words how much I hate this woman because she is so miserable and evil. Had I ever saw this during my 6 trips over while we were dating I would never have pulled the trigger on getting married.

[Gator]

Greg,

I believe the MIL spends so much time in America because she is so miserable that she has no friends in Ukraine.   I remember your wife as very pretty and somewhat reserved.  It is difficult to imagine her as the daughter of a battleax.   

For clarification, when Greg is talking about divorce and "squaring it up," he refers to the pending divorce between his ex-wife and her second husband, Greg being the first husband. 

[fathertime]

I'm a very forgiving person for the most part. I get the fact that her daughter lives 6 time zones from her and of course it's all my fault but after 10 years it's past time to let it go.

Well Greg you are in a tough spot now.  Women like your MIL would probably be giving you a hard time about something else if you lived in the same city.  You must be patient to be accepting of this behavior after all these years.  I've always felt that if I'm not married to a woman, i'm not taking any unwarranted shit from her.  I don't really have much hate in me because when I was annoyed by something my MIL did, I gave her 'what for' on the spot...It was just a much better way for me to exist. I've got a lot of married friends that seem like whipped dogs and I couldn't imagine existing like that.  Based on what you have said, I'd say you need to stand up some more, you don't owe this woman any extra courtesy given her rotten attitude.  Taking a strong stand or two should start to open up some space for you.  If a woman is made to be a little uncomfortable she is less likely to engage you with such disrespect...and if it doesn't work then at least you got it off your chest and you probably won't have so much resentment built up inside of you.


Good luck,
Fathertime!   

[Chicagoguy]

Greg - as I understand this you had a chance to stop your MIL at the gate but took a pass ? Here it seems you could have solved one problem and it would not even have been your fault.

[Drew]

The INS officer kept them back there for a couple of hours and then came up to talk with me.

How is this even possible?

INS people will go and find people waiting for an arriving passenger?

In any airport I have been in USA, the people waiting for arrivals are no where near the customs and immigration area.

Once I was waiting for someone who had to come through immigration.  They were way overdue (late found out plane delayed on tarmac, but no one inside knew). I was concerned if person was even on  the flight.  No one would or  could tell me anything.