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Author Topic: Large age difference  (Read 128691 times)

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Offline KenC

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Large age difference
« on: January 26, 2005, 01:53:10 AM »
The biggest problem we have had with our large age difference (25 years) has been with other people's perception.  We have heard some nasty comments and even have had a few confrontations, but for the most part we have had no problems between us regrding age difference.  Of course my ex asks my adult children how my Russian adoption is comeing?  I get a hoot out of that.  What I think helps us greatly is that we both have total trust in each other.  There are times when we do things seperately, which I feel is healthy in any relationship.  It is also difficult to find "couple" friends.  The women in couples my age are deathly afraid that their hubby's will take my lead and leave them for a hot young RW.  The women in couples my wife's age, just don't seem understand that my wife is truly in love with me.

What have you experienced?

KenC
« Last Edit: January 26, 2005, 01:54:00 AM by KenC »
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Offline Goombah

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Large age difference
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2005, 02:29:11 AM »
Ken -

I shouldn't be posting in this section, I'm not married to an FSUW (yet!).  That said, I have figured out my response to anyone who would be so rude as to comment on any age difference with anything like "So, this is your daughter?" <wink, wink>:

"No, this is my best friend, my confidant, my concubine, the love of my life, my soul-mate, and my wife".

Figured that would shut them up.

Kevin C.

Offline KenC

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Large age difference
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2005, 02:38:31 AM »
Goombah,

Well, you're one step ahead of me as I was not prepared for the first comment like you mention.  But you can bet you ass I was ready for it the second time.  LOL.  And it has only happened twice in six years.  I think our relationship works because we are both secure and confident people.  I can see where any lack of trust could undermine this kind of relationship even more than  most.

KenC
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Offline Admin

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Large age difference
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2005, 04:37:13 AM »
The age difference between my wife and I is 22 years. I can honestly say that age difference has been no problem in our relationship - yet. The problems we have are more related to my ex-wife and the fact that she and I share young children. While Olya loves my children, the fact they are young and we both have to deal with a vindictive and hate-filled ex-spouse, has been difficult on our relationship at times. But that would be true with ANY relationship - it has nothing to do with Olya being from the FSU nor the age difference.

Having said that, Olya and I *have* discussed the future and how things are likely to play out with my eventual retirement while she is still in the midst of her career years. Further, we have a baby daughter, which means that early retirement (for me) is likely not a practical option.

Anyway, we are open and candid about our life together and what to expect. I am convinced that we have a better chance at a successful and happy long-term marriage than any woman I have ever known.

- Dan

Offline Goombah

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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2005, 05:00:36 AM »
Thanks Dan.  I too seek to have additional children, so any details you have that your willing to share on-line or off-line would be greatly appreciated.

Kevin C.

Offline KenC

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Large age difference
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2005, 05:09:24 AM »
Dan,

Lena and I have also discussed future plans and how thing may go.  She has accepted her new nick name of "401-K". ;)

KenC
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Offline Admin

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Large age difference
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2005, 05:14:30 AM »
Quote from: Goombah
Thanks Dan.  I too seek to have additional children, so any details you have that your willing to share on-line or off-line would be greatly appreciated.

Kevin C.


Sounds like this may be a good topic to branch off.

Offline Bruno

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Large age difference
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2005, 11:03:01 AM »
Large difference of age !!!

When i think that i was afraid about the 5 year between me ( 36 ) and Galina (31 )...

This difference was a problem with my ex russian wife, she was 19 and i was 29...

I think that how much is not a problem... man from 50 with woman from 30 can be perfect... but man from 38 with woman from 18 can lead to hell...

it is more a problem of maturity... a very young woman just start her adult life but a woman between 25 and 35 have already some experience... and a woman up 35 know enough the life and the real value...

Don't count if you feel yourself in harmony with you RW...

Offline Jack

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Large age difference
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2005, 01:48:59 PM »
Large age difference's.
 
Man, this RWD board hit's them tough questions head on. This is one of those half dozen highly emotional topic's that usually bring out the flame throwers. But I don't see any flaming going on here? Maybe we need some moderators to get things stirred up :D!
 
Age difference's. Just as the wovo versus wmvm debates, it is a strictly personal thing. What is the appropriate number of years age difference? Well their ain't no official book of appropriate entities like this, unless I somehow missed that chapter in You want a marry a Russian woman like me :shock:!
 
Ok, here we go with just one man's opinion.
 
The age of maturity for most Russian women is 23. Usually one full year out of the University these ladies are now more prepared and ready to leave mom, leave country and friends for a man they think they are in love with. These 19, 20 year old girls looking for a husband, most are just playing. Their are exceptions it seems more so in the very rural areas of Ukr, Russia and the FSU. I think many of these young 19 and 20 year olds are quite ready to leave and take a chance on a life elsewhere. And that usually means in good ole America this 21 and 22 year old will live out what she wanted to at 19 and 20. Parties, disco, staying out to 3am during the week. You know, things you did when you were 20 to 22.
 
I think most ladies of the FSU have no problem accepting men up to 10 years their age. It's natural. Now if a guy is special, in good shape, great personality, the average Russian lady think 12-13 years older is not a problem. It's almost natural. If the man is very well off financially, in good shape, good personality many of these ladies have no problem considering men 15 to 20 years their age.
 
And then their is that darn character, charm factor. The almost perfect chemistry relationship. And ohhh, it's the hardest to come by. In these cases a young attractive woman can meet a man 17 years her senior, 21 years her senior, 25 years her senior, and age never be a factor. They fall for the man because he is the man he is and she could care less about his age. She fell in love with him.
 
What are the chances of you finding a real, sincere lady in this category?....If you work hard, maybe 8 or 9%. And of course theirs always luck. Sometimes it just happens. A lot of the successful 'luck' large age marriages I have seen have come from unplanned meetings, where a man and woman just happen to meet in person in the FSU. No writing, just meeting on a busy sidewalk, or in the park, at the beach, a club or restaurant.
 
I feel most men should try to stay within 15 years of each other. Once you get up to 17-19-22 years age difference's the chances for a successful marriage decrease. It usually takes two very special individuals who can make marriages of 20 years or more work.
 
Such marriages to exist. I personally know of one couple with a 30 year age difference. My oh my, 30 years. I shake my head. But guess what, they have a five year old baby now, been married seven years and are happy.
 
I know of marriages 27, 25, 23 years age differences, that are healthy, happy, loving marriages.  But I want to and must point out, these marriages are the EXCEPTIONS, they are not the norm!  Most marriages of greater than 18 years are not going to make it. Few will.
 
It was never a problem finding a young and beautiful Russian woman to marry. And I think once guys realize they will have their choice of many fine young beautiful Russian women that they will get serious and look for a woman who is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. One they have a great chemistry with. And again, that usually takes work, or that ole dumb luck.
 
 
 

Offline anono

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Large age difference
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2005, 02:34:38 PM »
jack, i have listened to you now for more than two, maybe three years (good god!)

i think your opinion has evolved because of some of the things you have seen as time progresses and we continue to learn about the women of the FSU.

i think you said it all.

Offline Turboguy

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Large age difference
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2005, 05:51:49 PM »
There seems to be a lot of converstion about age differnce here and I am just a bit curious what problems with that everyone perceives that this creates.   To me it is an individual thing.  I have seen very mature 20 year olds and some people who were up in years but had no maturity at all. 

Even with American women until the last few years I was usually dating gals at least 20 years younger.   I find that harder to do with American women now.  With the Russian and Ukrainian gals I am going well beyond that.   On my last Kiev trip in December the guy who was with me was 62 and was mainly interested in 19 year olds.   To each his own I guess.   He did not have a lot of trouble finding them and they did not seem to have a problem with him.   I would't tell him this but he looked a lot older than he was.

My question is this.  When you say that it is hard to have a relationship work with a big age difference do you perceive this as being because there is a difference in interests, or a difference in activities or because people will think that the guy is her father or grand father or they won't like the same music or where exactly do you see the problems?    Anyway I am curious to see what the comments are on this.   

 

 

Offline Admin

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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2005, 06:12:00 PM »
Quote from: Turboguy
On my last Kiev trip in December the guy who was with me was 62 and was mainly interested in 19 year olds.


Wow - 62 to 19, more than 40 years! That's just hard for me to comprehend.

And to think, I thought 20+ years was pushing (even exceeding) the envelope.

My rationale for thinking so, has mostly to do with the notion of equity to my wife. If we both live to the ages statistics suggest, it means that Olya will be widowed sometime in her 50's - not the best age to be starting a new relationship - not to mention that she will have an adult child (or two), and those children will be relatively young (20's or early 30's) at the time of my passing.

When you really explore the pragmatic aspects of marrying a woman much younger than you, there are, unfortunately, a lot of factors that seem mostly selfish in favor of the older man.

At least, it seems so in my opinion.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of doing something they feel strongly about. The power of rationalization is incredibly strong, and I know it won't be surmounted by the logic of looking pragmatically at the future.

FWIW

- Dan

Offline Turboguy

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Large age difference
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2005, 06:46:04 PM »
Hi Dan,

That is a good and valid point that had not come out before.   Now if your lovely lady had stayed in her native country and married a man her age and he lived to the average life expectancy for a male there, at what age would she be widowed.   (I think just about the same so hopefully she is not making too big a sacrifice)

Next throw in the divorce rate there or even here.   You are likely to be more appreciative of her and work harder to make the marriage work because otherwise you would have been suck with some old, stuck up, conceited american gal that would have made your life miserable so she is actually likely to have much more time with you working hard to make her very happy.   She is far better off so you don't need to feel guilty about the age difference.

It seems to me like half the gals in Russia get divorced within 5 years or so.   I think their fate is much better with an American guy even an older one.  I am not sure how my friend will make out with his search for a 19 year old.   He is going back this spring.  I hope my searching is over.   I expect to be starting the visa process for my gal pretty soon and yep, there is a 30 year age diffence. 

 

Offline Dealmakerjc

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Large age difference
« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2005, 09:53:30 PM »
Hi guys,

A good rule to go by, though not always written in blood, try to make sure your RW's father is older than you.......:)

 
« Last Edit: January 27, 2005, 02:53:00 AM by Dealmakerjc »

Offline Frank

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Large age difference
« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2005, 10:14:45 PM »
Hey you guys,

I'm not married yet, but I will be in 4-6 weeks.  I just want to say some thing things about the age thing if thats okay.  Really, I don't think the age difference matters too much, as long as a guy is not just looking for someone for the sake of being young and you both are of the same maturity.  Who cares what anyone else thinks.  I am 44 and the gal I am engaged to is 39. When I found Tatiana, I was looking for an attractive lady, but also looking for intelligence and character.  These things are important, but also being able to share some of the same events in history and for each of us to have an appreciation of these events.  When you think about it, it is a miracle we can have a relationship with these women at all.  I think one last thing I was looking for was to find someone I could grow old with. 

I have got to say one last thing.  When I met Tatiana at Borispol airport, the first thing I thought was "WOW, THIS IS A REAL LADY".  I have never seen such gracefulness in any woman here in the USA.  Pretty cool!!!!!!!!!  

 
When in doubt, run!!!!!!!

Offline Dealmakerjc

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Large age difference
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2005, 03:08:34 AM »
Frank, you are lucky that you have found a RW who is close to your age, and congratulations. With my lady I have a twelve year age difference. She is pretty cool too.....:) I also inherited a wonderful and beautiful daughter in the process and with my natural son, they have a great brother/sister relationship (most of the time that is). With no disrespect intended with the other guys who have posted here in this thread, and more as advice to those of you who are in complementation of a relationship with a RW, whilst age difference should not be a concern, in reality it needs to be considered. A forty year age difference as mentioned elsewhere, with respect, is ludicrous and one would have to wonder what the real intentions are!

I was referred to this web-site BB by an "old colleague" who used to participate in the old "Russian Blacklist Forum", and where I also was a regular contributor.

The topic of age difference was vigorously debated in this forum I recall. It was generally accepted that you should not be older than your RW's father and that a max age difference of twenty years should be looked at. Obviously there are always exceptions to the rule, however, they need to be very good exceptions......

Offline schlegs

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Large age difference
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2005, 04:25:41 AM »
There are 9.5 years difference between my wife and I (44/34).  So far, no comments on the age difference and no problems between us.  Funny thing was our first visit to the ABC Liqour store, they asked her for ID and when she could not show any (didn't have her wallet with her), they asked her to wait outside!  She was carded 3 or 4 more times since then.

Age is a mind game, you are as old as your mind tells you!  Most days I feel younger than my 44 years.  Only after spending the weekend putting down a laminate floor for my parents, do I feel 94!

Great BB, Dan!  Thanks for inviting me.

Offline KenC

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Large age difference
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2005, 04:39:21 AM »
I have a hard time when people try to use a formula for the maximum allowable age difference.  All people are different and just cannot be put into a math equation.  I didn't seek out a woman 25 years my junior.  If I had, then that would be a problem. I just happened to fall in love with a woman that is that much younger.  Truth be known, I wish Lena was about 10-15 years older or better yet, I was 10-15 years younger!:D  But fate put us together and we deal with it.  Our age difference was the single most difficult negative for me to over come in deciding to marry.  Lena never had a problem with it.  Marrying a woman significantly younger is not for everyone.  It is for the secure, confident and patient man.  If you are the jealous type, forgetaboutit.

KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Jack

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Large age difference
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2005, 05:57:58 AM »
Hey Ken,
 
Over the last two and a half years, without mentioning your name, you are the couple I have in mind when I tell other men that marriages of 25 years age difference's do work. Other couples come to mind when I mention 30 years, 27 years, 24 years age difference. I DO know that healthy, happy, loving marriages of several year age difference's do exist. And I also strongly advise that these marriages are the exceptions, not the norm.
 
How can I not support a man who seeks a woman 20 years younger than him? I know many such marriages happily exist. And as each of us with many years age difference's know, these marriage take two special individuals.
 
I will repeat something I saw you (KenC) write about three years ago and when you wrote it I said, "yep, he's right on with that". And I wonder how many men actually took in what you said from that statement? How many men did that shoot right over their heads?
 
You wrote "If you are a jealous type guy, DO NOT seek a young and beautiful wife".
 
If you are the jealous type guy you will go crazy, as well ruin your relationship with your wife.
A good Russian woman can always be trusted. And the quicker a man realizes that, the better. Many, because we can't say all, good Russian women love a man who is not jealous and is trusting of her.
 

Offline anono

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« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2005, 09:09:15 AM »
ok, i'll chime in...

when i first started looking in the FSU, i tried to keep the age difference minor. i'm 48. my first major girlfriend was svetlana. she was 33, now 34.

my next major girlfriend, one whom i even did the K-1 with is 25. 23 years age difference.

never did it even occur to me there was any real difference, nor with her.

i'll go on to say that this relationship, which jack observed some first hand, is one of the relationships jack will think of when thinking of age differences that work. i broke it off with dasha for reasons unrelated to her age.

i then began searches with an age down to 25. i resisted writing to anyone younger, regardless of how overwhelming her photo was.

the problem is, a week later i'll get a first inquiry from the same 21 or 22 year old that i resisted writing in the first place. now i'm writing to an 18yr old and a 19yr old. both replied to my profile first. i think it's crazy on one level and i brought this up in my reply to each lady. the 18 yr old could not care less and writes some of the best and most responsive letters i receive. the 19yr old refers to us as a "father/daughter" type relationship and claims she loves relationships like this. both are beautiful (in their photos). i made the age difference an issue and each wrote very good letters in response that show a level of maturity i do not see here. so, out of curiousity i intend to meet both ladies this spring and i am openminded towards other ladys of any age who write to me first. if something comes of these meetings, and any type of relationship ensues, i'll explain the risks and benefits. i'm willing to trade the years i have left with a lady in the prime of her life. in return, i'll give her the love, stability and a healthy environment for any potential family. i'll also explain  how i will be sure she is provided for in the event of my death. (hopefully of a heart attack at age 99 after a vigorous round of lovemaking).

:dude:

 

 

Offline Frank

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« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2005, 03:49:16 PM »
I think all of you are very fortunate to have found your wives.  Having children thrown in to the package is a plus as far as I am concerned.  Kids are great.

There is one thought that comes to mind when I read all of the posts;  we guys cannot use the same criteria to assess the value of former USSR women that we use to measure western women.  Yes, there are characteristics that all women have in common.  However, these women think differently, have different motives and goals.  That is partially why is is difficult to state an exact age span that is appropriate for these relationships.  What a mystery!
When in doubt, run!!!!!!!

Offline Tagger585

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Large age difference
« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2005, 04:48:57 PM »

Okay,,, here comes my first official comment or question since I was made aware of this web page..  (by the way, Dan,  it has been very educational.)

I am 48  and have been in contact with several different RW between 34-38 for about 4-5 months.  It is time to go over and meet a couple of them..  The ones that I seem to have the most in common with,  have boys 14-16 years old.  This is fine with me, I had two sons of my own and had so much fun (preparing them for adulthood) that I would gladly do it again.  I am a pretty active person.  My concern is for the boys. It would take them a while to learn the language so they could complete their education.  I remember the kids that I went to school with and the ones that were older than their grade level caught a lot of grief.  Should I be concerned about the time the boys might loose in their education level if I move them to a completely new environment at this age?  I have thought that a younger child  5-8 may adjust a lot smoother.  I know that this is suppose to be about the relationship with a new wife, but I can't help thinking I will fall into the total father mode and get wrapped up in these other concerns of a young teenager dropped into another world.  With today's temptations and activities that a youngster can get involved,  I foresee a lot of guidance being needed.  Do you think a RW who has up to now been the adult responsible for her son would let her new husband take a strong and immediate role in his life. 

Is there anyone who could comment on the adjustment of the children?

Offline Dealmakerjc

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Large age difference
« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2005, 09:28:44 PM »
Tagger585, you pose a good question...:shock:  From my own experience, I found that once I had my RW's trust and my daughter accepted me as "Dad", (which was interesting because she always used to call me by my given name until she heard my son call me "Dad".....:) after which she then felt at ease to call me Dad) and I gained her respect, she now takes instructions from me and as kids do now plays Mum against Dad.....:D. In my case I inherited my daughter when she was only six years old so the transition has been easier. The question with an older child is that they will have been conditioned more, and dependant upon their family history with the natural father, will no doubt influence how they will react with you. I think a firm set of guidelines will need to be established with both child and Mum, with Mum agreeing to support you. In many cases, the RW and her child/ren will have had some bad experiences and they, particularly the child/young adult will need to be encouraged to be open and honest with you, and need to know they they will not be punished or mistreated for being honest with you, which would not have been usually the case with their natural father.

One experience is that I have found that my RW has not been consistent with her discipline, being strict in one part and then becoming lenient, and then swinging back the other way. This can be disconcerting for the child too, and I am sure it is to do with being in unfamiliar surroundings etc.

One thing to be absolutely careful about, is that the RW may love you madly, however if you will not accept her child with the same affection and care, all the tea in China will not persuade her to live with you.

Therefore if your RW has a child/young adult, make sure that your relationship in that arena is exceptional, and you will win your RW's love affection and gratitude for life.....:D

With the age discussion, the wider age gap with the older RW's is not so much a problem for example 30yr RW with a guy up to 50 or thereabouts is OK, however it is the younger girls in their early twenty's or late teen's where the age difference does matter, as they are on to set the world on fire and believe they are invincible (as we all did at that age) and problems can be experienced, because the young RW has not experienced the "bad" times as the older girl has, particularly if the girl is a single parent and has had to learn the hard way to look after her off-spring without usually the aid of sole parent pensions and the like, to feed and clothe her and her child. This is the reality check, which is why the older RW is usually much more realistic in her expectations, genuine and is happy to look for an older guy with stability and financial security.

Anyway that's by two cents worth today.....:D




Offline LookingForRW

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Large age difference
« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2005, 05:32:26 AM »
Ah yes ,age difference.Beside pre-nups,this is the most common topic discussed amoung those of us seeking foreign brides.

The bigger age diff. the more problems.Common sense doesnt stop here.

Are you looking for a number? Ok, 15 years is pretty much considered the "max".

But the bigger reality is ;the max for who? Every single human and realtionship is different.We all know people who are old and young for their age.1 way to look at it is;Do you and her look "normal" together?If the average person saw you walking down the street; would they think ;couple or dad and daughter.Now one poster wrote of his 25 year age gap and how it posed problems ,but he and his wife ,worked through them.BRAVO!! I will venture to say ,he is an exception and being not very nice ,how about in 5-10 years ?,when she "learns the ropes "of America?.Yes when your 45 and she is lets say 20 ,its not a big deal.OK, fast forward,she is 40 (peaking sexually) ,you are 65,then what?

The lady I am engaged to is 16 years my junior ,attractive,but not a knockout.But the reason I want to wed. her is we have much in common,the main one being the same religion.

Really knowing the woman (spending time in country) and having many things in common ,is some of the best things you can do to "increase your success odds"

Offline Goombah

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« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2005, 05:39:36 AM »
OK, I'll bite, and not be offended by either answer:  Do we look good together or look like daughter/father?  Photo attached.

Kevin C.

 

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