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Author Topic: A bit of a weird question  (Read 13079 times)

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Offline Ed S.

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A bit of a weird question
« on: March 19, 2015, 05:24:52 AM »
So the primary girl I've been communicating with has gone rather well so far. We've been talking over the phone and it seems to be going normal. She seemed rather quiet at first, but now she's gotten to the point where I find it hard to reply to her without being interrupted. Anyway, I found her VK page when I was doing due diligence to make sure she wasn't some kind of prodater/scammer, which also made it easy to tell she hasn't been lying to me. However, she asked for my birthdate and I gave it to her (October 5th) since she seemed really serious about it.

I later asked her what her birthday was, and she seemed hesitant and said October 15th. However her VK lists it as late August. A little later on she was talking about how she has a sister 6 years younger and how she just got married, and how people thought it was her that was married and the awkwardness it was. Then she went on to insist that she really looks younger than her age. She is 3 years older than me, but I knew that going in. Is she just paranoid that I'll think she's too old? I don't understand why she'd fib about such a minor issue, I thought after all that she would think I was too young!

Online Faux Pas

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2015, 06:26:28 AM »
Ed
So you're snooping on this lady? Due diligence? Really? Listen guy, you don't have to look for scammer clues. If the lady is a scammer the clues will show up and you'll just need to not avoid them. Forget what you saw on her VK page. You asked her when her birthday was, she told you Oct 15th. Assume she's being truthful to you. When you catch her in a baldfaced lie, then approach her about it if you find it to be a deal killer. How old is she and how old are you?

How long have you been communicating with this woman? Why are you not on skype? It's free and it is much more revealing. At the end of the day, dating FSUW is no different than dating a local babe you met at the grocery store. It's boy meets girl. True, it's not as easy and there's the big obstacle of distance but, you really need to approach it the same way. All women need to be romanced, wined, dined and 69'ed

Offline Lily

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2015, 07:25:27 AM »
Ed,

I can almost hear the choir of Russian male voices chanting you something like, Never an older woman! Some Russians tend to believe that only complete losers date women who are even a year older than themselves. Many tend to date women several year younger then themselves. That may cause your new acquaintance believe that as soon as you know her real age, you dump her.
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Offline mendeleyev

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2015, 07:58:15 AM »
Good thoughts from FP and Lily.

Ed, relax on the "scam" stuff as their are far fewer than some "anti-scam" sites seem to imagine. Get to know the lady and start planning for a trip to visit.

One additional tip: it sounds as if she speaks some English. That can be very dangerous at times because you will assume that she understands at the same level that she speaks and nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding will only come when she lives in the culture of which a language is spoken. Until then, she is still piecing together phrases learned in classes and books and her "understanding" comes from trying to translate those words and phrases from her Russian culture to English. That rarely works well until she adjusts to your cultural setting. The names of months can be confusing, especially when thinking in one language but speaking in another. No big deal.
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Offline Ed S.

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2015, 06:15:37 PM »
Ed
So you're snooping on this lady? Due diligence? Really? Listen guy, you don't have to look for scammer clues. If the lady is a scammer the clues will show up and you'll just need to not avoid them. Forget what you saw on her VK page. You asked her when her birthday was, she told you Oct 15th. Assume she's being truthful to you. When you catch her in a baldfaced lie, then approach her about it if you find it to be a deal killer. How old is she and how old are you?

How long have you been communicating with this woman? Why are you not on skype? It's free and it is much more revealing. At the end of the day, dating FSUW is no different than dating a local babe you met at the grocery store. It's boy meets girl. True, it's not as easy and there's the big obstacle of distance but, you really need to approach it the same way. All women need to be romanced, wined, dined and 69'ed

OK, I should have elaborated more. I actually encountered a scammer prior (I know, what are the odds on EM?) and after wasting a fair amount of time before they pulled the bait-and-switch, I realized a google image search revealed her profile was of a stock photo. So afterwards, I just did it again to see if it was a stock image and that came up as the top result. Yeah in retrospect I was probably excessively worried, but I got over it once I realized the odds of encountering another scammer was very low. Also by calling I meant that we have talked both by phone and video, instead of Skype it's Viber.

Ed,

I can almost hear the choir of Russian male voices chanting you something like, Never an older woman! Some Russians tend to believe that only complete losers date women who are even a year older than themselves. Many tend to date women several year younger then themselves. That may cause your new acquaintance believe that as soon as you know her real age, you dump her.

Ok, I kind of thought it might be something like that. I was just surprised at how upset she got, she looked visibly rattled and the mood just completely changed. I didn't understand how a seemingly innocuous question triggered her into this long apology about herself.

  I just didn't think it would bother her since I knew her age, she looks the same on video as in pictures, and we already have a lot in common. I had a habit of dating slightly older AW just because they tended to be more serious instead of playing games, if anything I thought my age would be the issue, not hers!

Good thoughts from FP and Lily.
Ed, relax on the "scam" stuff as their are far fewer than some "anti-scam" sites seem to imagine. Get to know the lady and start planning for a trip to visit.

One additional tip: it sounds as if she speaks some English. That can be very dangerous at times because you will assume that she understands at the same level that she speaks and nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding will only come when she lives in the culture of which a language is spoken. Until then, she is still piecing together phrases learned in classes and books and her "understanding" comes from trying to translate those words and phrases from her Russian culture to English. That rarely works well until she adjusts to your cultural setting. The names of months can be confusing, especially when thinking in one language but speaking in another. No big deal.

She's actually fluent, well you know she's fluent in proper academic English. Idioms and the like sometimes trip her up, as does my accent. Part of her whole defense to me was explaining how she used to be a translator, and that by focusing so much on education she found herself alone. Is there anything else I could do to reassure her? I feel bad that she's so anxious about something I couldn't care less about!  :(
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 06:28:09 PM by Ed S. »

Offline BillyB

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2015, 07:32:43 PM »
she's gotten to the point where I find it hard to reply to her without being interrupted.


She either extremely excited to talk to you or has bad manners.
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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2015, 09:55:14 PM »
OK, I should have elaborated more. I actually encountered a scammer prior (I know, what are the odds on EM?) and after wasting a fair amount of time before they pulled the bait-and-switch, I realized a google image search revealed her profile was of a stock photo. So afterwards, I just did it again to see if it was a stock image and that came up as the top result. Yeah in retrospect I was probably excessively worried, but I got over it once I realized the odds of encountering another scammer was very low. Also by calling I meant that we have talked both by phone and video, instead of Skype it's Viber.

Fair enough. Take it from me, forget that scammer you encountered. Paranoia will get you exactly nowhere. You've got to go in whole heart. Not on your sleeve but, you have to be vulnerable. If you're not you won't find a woman who is, make sense?
Quote
Ok, I kind of thought it might be something like that. I was just surprised at how upset she got, she looked visibly rattled and the mood just completely changed. I didn't understand how a seemingly innocuous question triggered her into this long apology about herself.

  I just didn't think it would bother her since I knew her age, she looks the same on video as in pictures, and we already have a lot in common. I had a habit of dating slightly older AW just because they tended to be more serious instead of playing games, if anything I thought my age would be the issue, not hers!

She's actually fluent, well you know she's fluent in proper academic English. Idioms and the like sometimes trip her up, as does my accent. Part of her whole defense to me was explaining how she used to be a translator, and that by focusing so much on education she found herself alone. Is there anything else I could do to reassure her? I feel bad that she's so anxious about something I couldn't care less about!  :(

She's not as fluent as you think. It's very rare for a RW living in Russia that has never been immersed in English to be fluent. My wife who had excellent English skills when we married almost 7 years ago still is not fluent and often gets mixed up in normal conversation. I tell you that, so that you might understand that she is not understanding you nor relaying her thoughts as well as you believe that she is. Cut her some slack Jack. Unless of course you want to converse with her in Russian then, you might have a better understanding  ;D

Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2015, 03:56:37 AM »
Ed,

I can almost hear the choir of Russian male voices chanting you something like, Never an older woman! Some Russians tend to believe that only complete losers date women who are even a year older than themselves. Many tend to date women several year younger then themselves. That may cause your new acquaintance believe that as soon as you know her real age, you dump her.

That's weird!  My two brothers and I all married women older than ourselves (admittedly, in my case, the age gap was only six weeks, compared with my brothers' spouses who are respectively eight months and two and a half years older).  I know several other couples where the woman is older than the man, although none has the "M.O.B." age gap in reverse.  I've never dated anyone else older than me; even though I'm not expecting it in the future, it wouldn't worry me so long as the chemistry was there.

Offline jone

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2015, 10:12:09 AM »
I have used the video feature on Viber, now, for the last six weeks.  It works better than Skype, IMHO.  Moreover, you are automatically registered on Viber if you have a contact's phone number.  It is not necessary to enter a user name and get permission, like it is on Skype.

I would be interested, though, to understand why my Viber conversations all say 'Beta' and why some people apparently don't have the video function.
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Offline mendeleyev

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2015, 12:28:30 PM »
Ed:
Quote
She's actually fluent, well you know she's fluent in proper academic English.

Just a caution, and I speak from experience both as a native English speaker living in Russia, and a long-term marriage to a native Russian speaker.

She is not fluent, and you will discover that it is more than just "idioms" over time. Until she has actually lived in, and been able to connect the culture with the language of the culture, she is speaking textbook English, no matter how good she is at it. Should the two of you marry, you will eventually discover this over various misunderstandings and mistranslations with time. Practice grace, and try not to make assumptions until she has that language experience.

She is way ahead of the game to be sure, and her fluency will come much quicker once he has some "boots on the ground" time in your country.


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Offline PBRstreetg

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2015, 06:37:14 AM »
Advice^^ is awesome so far, thank you RWD I learned something))

VK imle is second nature to fsuw, you didn't state your respective ages but use it is all I'm saying.

I think you were a little over the top with the scam checking, Inet research etc. She might be doubting your sincerity also. Tell her near exactly when you will meet and that will take a lot of pressure off both of you.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2015, 06:40:37 AM by PBRstreetg »
Разрушить всегда легче, чем построить. Обидеть проще,чем простить. И врать всегда удобней , чем поверить. А оттолкнуть намного проще, чем любить

Offline Chicagoguy

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2015, 03:14:51 PM »
I became friends with a married couple in Moscow when we tried some business deals that did not happen. They have even been to my house in Chicago. A year later I met them in Colorado to ski together and they brought his 25 Y.O. daughter and all spoke passable English. But the big surprise for me was his best friend, a Moscow native but living in N.Y.C. He was translator for Russia in the U.N. Oh my God was this fun. He knew everything !

Offline Ed S.

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2015, 07:05:56 PM »
Well, things have rather somewhat progressed in an odd direction. Unfortunately, my initial reservations seemed to be on to something. She confessed that she had altered the photos she used, and that they were originally that of an acquaintance of hers that looks similar, and used her name. Her defense is that she was previously engaged to a guy who was controlling and jealous and after she left him, he's been harassing her and sabotaging her online dating. On Viber she seemed a little different, but now I understand her initial reluctance. To add to that, she's become very moody and has gotten angry about perceived insults that weren't even close to meant to be offensive. She also has severe trust issues, and grills me that I'm lying to her about being attracted to her.

Right now, I'm just trying to disengage as softly as I can. I think she'll be angry and dramatic about it, but she seems like there's something going on with her and I don't want to find out.

Offline LiveFromUkraine

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2015, 07:08:42 PM »
Well, things have rather somewhat progressed in an odd direction. Unfortunately, my initial reservations seemed to be on to something. She confessed that she had altered the photos she used, and that they were originally that of an acquaintance of hers that looks similar, and used her name. Her defense is that she was previously engaged to a guy who was controlling and jealous and after she left him, he's been harassing her and sabotaging her online dating. On Viber she seemed a little different, but now I understand her initial reluctance. To add to that, she's become very moody and has gotten angry about perceived insults that weren't even close to meant to be offensive. She also has severe trust issues, and grills me that I'm lying to her about being attracted to her.

Right now, I'm just trying to disengage as softly as I can. I think she'll be angry and dramatic about it, but she seems like there's something going on with her and I don't want to find out.


While there is no reason to end it in a mean way, there is also no reason to continue any type of dialog in order to soften the blow.  I would just say it's not going to work out and end all conversations there.


I wouldn't respond to any drama or anger.  Just cut ties. 

Offline Boethius

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2015, 09:22:47 PM »
Well, things have rather somewhat progressed in an odd direction. Unfortunately, my initial reservations seemed to be on to something. She confessed that she had altered the photos she used, and that they were originally that of an acquaintance of hers that looks similar, and used her name. Her defense is that she was previously engaged to a guy who was controlling and jealous and after she left him, he's been harassing her and sabotaging her online dating. On Viber she seemed a little different, but now I understand her initial reluctance. To add to that, she's become very moody and has gotten angry about perceived insults that weren't even close to meant to be offensive. She also has severe trust issues, and grills me that I'm lying to her about being attracted to her.

Right now, I'm just trying to disengage as softly as I can. I think she'll be angry and dramatic about it, but she seems like there's something going on with her and I don't want to find out.


I assume she is young.  The trust stuff sounds as if she is insecure about her looks, and that is not uncommon in young women, particularly ones coming out of bad relationships.


The arguments likely are poor communication, due to imperfect English. 
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Boethius

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2015, 09:42:39 PM »
If you do break it, I would tell her why, as it will give her some idea of what she is doing wrong to turn men away.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline calmissile

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2015, 09:58:29 PM »
Well, things have rather somewhat progressed in an odd direction. Unfortunately, my initial reservations seemed to be on to something. She confessed that she had altered the photos she used, and that they were originally that of an acquaintance of hers that looks similar, and used her name. Her defense is that she was previously engaged to a guy who was controlling and jealous and after she left him, he's been harassing her and sabotaging her online dating. On Viber she seemed a little different, but now I understand her initial reluctance. To add to that, she's become very moody and has gotten angry about perceived insults that weren't even close to meant to be offensive. She also has severe trust issues, and grills me that I'm lying to her about being attracted to her.

Right now, I'm just trying to disengage as softly as I can. I think she'll be angry and dramatic about it, but she seems like there's something going on with her and I don't want to find out.

Been there, done that.  Based on my experience, I would end it soon and move on.  The strange behavior you mention is not unusual in a percentage of FSUW and it only gets worse with time.  It would eat you up thinking there is something wrong with you.  Good luck and keep looking till you find someone that is not an emotional basket case.
Doug (Calmissile)

Offline Steamer

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2015, 10:48:22 PM »
Right now, I'm just trying to disengage as softly as I can. I think she'll be angry and dramatic about it, but she seems like there's something going on with her and I don't want to find out.


Why are you softly disengaging? Why are you engaged at all with this one? We all make mistakes. Learn from this one and move on. Just drop her like a hot turd and don't look back.




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Offline jone

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2015, 08:18:51 AM »
This is a case study for anyone wishing to date an FSU woman.

This woman exhibits the "I'm so scared you're not going to like me" syndrome that she actually pushes you away, forcing you not to like her. 

While not present in the current situation, the exact opposite of this is that a guy thinks for sure that the gal is a scammer that he overtly fishes for scammer clues and she dumps him.

These are two of the paranoia that occur with online (or even 'in person') dating. 
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Boethius

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2015, 09:37:28 AM »
Yes jone, that is how I read it.  She is so afraid, she doesn't even post her own photo.


In your shoes, Ed, I'd get to the bottom of all this in skype, where I could see her face and reactions.  Ask her point blank if she is afraid you would reject her because of her looks.  And if you're going to break off communication, as I posted, tell her why.  Don't spare her feelings.  She will learn something from it.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 09:56:28 AM by Boethius »
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline AC

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2015, 09:49:37 AM »

Why are you softly disengaging? Why are you engaged at all with this one? We all make mistakes. Learn from this one and move on. Just drop her like a hot turd and don't look back.

 :ROFL:

Offline Ed S.

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2015, 01:37:52 PM »
Yes jone, that is how I read it.  She is so afraid, she doesn't even post her own photo.


In your shoes, Ed, I'd get to the bottom of all this in skype, where I could see her face and reactions.  Ask her point blank if she is afraid you would reject her because of her looks.  And if you're going to break off communication, as I posted, tell her why.  Don't spare her feelings.  She will learn something from it.

Unfortunately, she didn't. Her response was that I lied to her about my feelings, I'm a horrible person, and she should have listened to her family and friends that men my age aren't serious and will go back to looking for guys 15-20 years older. She also thought that I was being deceitful by having reservations about visiting her when she's been so hesitant to tell the truth. Maybe she'll get it one day, but like others said, it's not my job to fix her.

Offline Boethius

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2015, 10:49:01 PM »
It's not about fixing her.  It is about possibly giving her some perspective.  No skin off your nose to be truthful.  Chances are she won't change, as in general, people don't.  However, if she does, you will have helped her in some small way, even if you never know it.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Nightwish

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2015, 11:34:39 PM »
men my age aren't serious and will go back to looking for guys 15-20 years older. <snipped>  it's not my job to fix her.

Oh oh oh ...  give me her contactinfo, I am always up for a new challenge and fit that age span perfectly   :popcorn:
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Offline BillyB

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Re: A bit of a weird question
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2015, 08:30:50 PM »
Unfortunately, she didn't. Her response was that I lied to her about my feelings, I'm a horrible person, and she should have listened to her family and friends that men my age aren't serious and will go back to looking for guys 15-20 years older.



Dropping her like a hot turd would have been better than trying to open more dialogue. She's going to continue to beat you down and give you a guilt trip. If you and others drop her like a hot turd, she will quickly understand she's not a desirable person to be around with and adjust her attitude faster than if you try to educate her. Remember, you're a horrible person so how in the world can you educate anybody? As of now you're wasting time with her. Write off the months you've communicated with her as a total loss and begin writing numerous women until you find somebody more pleasant to talk to.
Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

 

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