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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473492 times)

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Offline AkMike

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2050 on: November 18, 2014, 04:30:17 PM »

Offline AkMike

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2051 on: November 19, 2014, 02:27:47 PM »
Discussion at a Russian pharmacy:
Customer: “I need a tranquilizer…”
Pharmacist: “Do you have a prescription?”
Customer: “What, a Russian passport is not enough?”
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Tell me, what is the number one product of mass consumption in Russia?
– Putin’s lies.
– Why not vodka?
– Because fewer people consume vodka.
----------------------------------------------------------------
- Did you hear, Putin said that the Russian army will be equipped with modern offensive and defensive weapons, which no other army in the world will have?
– Oh, he is again about women and children, behind which our polite “little green men” they will hide…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin decided to do anything to keep up with the leaders of Western countries. So, when all of them imposed economic sanctions against Russia, Putin also imposed sanctions, which also were… AGAINST Russia, by banning the import of consumer products for its people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, will there be an “Iron Curtain” again?
– No! The regular barbed wire will do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------


Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2052 on: November 23, 2014, 09:27:53 AM »
Not sure how to interpret this photo.   I guess Putin is saying,  "I thought black people had big ones.  Obama, this x-ray shows a slight case of Richard Cranium.  My X-Ray shows a much larger case.   In fact, it is co large that it can not be contained within my skull."






Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2053 on: November 24, 2014, 02:18:01 PM »
Here's the original.


To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2054 on: November 24, 2014, 02:31:30 PM »
Here's the original.

So mine is another photo shop of something authentic.   :D

Offline AkMike

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2055 on: November 24, 2014, 02:54:39 PM »
Oh but of course it the real deal!  ;) :clapping:

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2056 on: November 25, 2014, 12:30:08 PM »
Went to our local bar with my wife last night.

Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 20 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2057 on: November 27, 2014, 08:50:34 AM »
Be sure to help RW in her translation of recipe. 

Offline calmissile

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2058 on: December 08, 2014, 09:31:59 AM »
CURTAIN RODS

 

On  the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into  boxes, crates and suitcases.
 
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
 
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on  some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of  caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
 
When he'd  finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
 
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first  all was bliss.
 


Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
 
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
 
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.
 
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.
 
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
 
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
 
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
 
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
 
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
 
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband...

....they even took the curtain rods!
 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Doug (Calmissile)

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2059 on: December 08, 2014, 09:52:12 AM »
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
 
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
 
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
 
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
 
SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
 
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
 
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
 
"What may we do for you, my son?"
 
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
 
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
 
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
 
"Please knock on this door."
 
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
 
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
 
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
 
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
 BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2060 on: December 08, 2014, 09:54:29 AM »
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
 
AND
 
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2061 on: December 08, 2014, 11:22:31 AM »
The teacher asked Jimmy,

"Why is your cat with you at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,

'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline AC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2062 on: December 09, 2014, 03:07:06 PM »
Perhaps somebody could properly translate this one.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2063 on: December 18, 2014, 09:20:25 PM »
An Italian man named Sandro went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the Sandro  said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."
 
The  priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
 
"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
 
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
 
"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."
 
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

lordtiberius

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2064 on: December 18, 2014, 09:28:45 PM »
Perhaps somebody could properly translate this one.

It's not easy.  This is work. 

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2065 on: December 18, 2014, 10:08:12 PM »
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2066 on: December 19, 2014, 07:11:42 AM »
An Italian man named Sandro went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the Sandro  said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."
Slander >:(! I don't have an attic, only a small cellar unfit for pleasurable pastimes :(. Anyway, she's over 80 now ;).
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline calmissile

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2067 on: December 20, 2014, 02:15:34 PM »
 WORKS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woman:
 Do you drink beer?

  Man:
 Yes

 Woman:
 How many beers a day?

  Man:
Usually about 3

 Woman:
 How much do you pay per beer?

  Man:
 $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

  Woman:
 And how long have you been drinking?

  Man:
 About 20 years, I suppose

  Woman:
 So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
would be approximately $5400 correct?

  Man:
 Correct

  Woman:
 If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

 Man:
 Correct

 Woman:
 Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

  Man:
 Do you drink beer?

  Woman:
 No

  Man:
 Where's your Ferrari?

 
Doug (Calmissile)

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2068 on: December 26, 2014, 08:40:25 PM »
Anyway, she's over 80 now ;).

But maybe she has a daughter.

Oh wait . . . that would be your daughter also !!
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline AC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2069 on: January 10, 2015, 11:38:03 AM »
Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.”

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,”What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.”

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you still happy you voted for Obama?”



Offline AC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2070 on: January 10, 2015, 03:54:46 PM »
When President Barack Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He got in his face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”

Patrick Henry approached and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties, but you failed!”

James Madison followed and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next. He snarled, “It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The verbal beat down continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.

As the insulted Obama hung his head in shame, an angel appeared. Obama wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

The angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2071 on: January 15, 2015, 11:41:04 AM »
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said, “Your stance was probably far too wide.”
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Muzh

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2072 on: January 15, 2015, 06:11:04 PM »
Putler is stealing like a bandit and stashing his money in Switzerland and London. He doesn't trust anyone to handle his ill-gotten gains and is afraid someone will find out about his racket. But, he needs a numbers man to take care of his accounts.


He finds a dumb and deaf CPA and has him under surveillance 24/7 so Putler knows the CPA will not divulge anything.


Except, the CPA starts skimming from the top and eventually Putler finds out.


Putler drags the CPA's ass to his office and also brings in a sign language specialist.


Putler asks the CPA Where is my money? Tell me or I'll blow your brains out.


The sign language specialist relays the questions.


The CPA, about to shit on his pants tells the sign language specialist everything, including account numbers.


Putler asks the sign language specialist What did he say?


He says you don't have the balls.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

lordtiberius

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2073 on: January 15, 2015, 09:17:23 PM »
From a coworker


What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers?

100 people who don't do dick

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2074 on: January 31, 2015, 05:24:03 PM »
This has got to be an all time Top 10 funny.

Be sure to watch  all the way to the end for a shock (hilarious type of shock).

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

 

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