Introduction: Searching for my FSU wife

[brownbeard99]

You can't ... Are you thinking of going on a plane - having got a visa for Russia.... if not ...do not worry about the question or waste each other's time.


If you are interested - rely on your gut.

I'm still finalizing travel dates. I am not going to apply for a visa unless I have at least a handful of potential dates ready to set up. If I plan the trip before even meeting anyone online, I will feel much more desperate to meet with anyone, just so I don't have a wasted trip.

[brownbeard99]

brownbeard

Help me understand your logic here. You have 3 kids and are looking for a woman to share that, your life with you. You've found a woman that blows you away in every regard except her downside is, she has one 4 year old kid? Seriously dude? You have much to learn guy and it isn't just FSUW

Ok, I will help you understand my logic.

 When considering a potential spouse, we all have positives and negatives. Our potential partner has them as well. A decision to go forward typically occurs when we determine that the positives outweigh the negatives.

For a woman to be willing to pick up her life and move across the globe, I find it appropriate to ask "why would this particular woman be willing to do this?" I believe most American men would consider the woman I mentioned to be close to a "perfect 10" when you consider the whole package.  I now have to ask myself, "Why doesn't she have dozens of eligible bachelors lining up for her in her home town?"  The obvious answer is, "Because she has a kid"

You were correct to mention the fact that I have 3 kids, but completely off the mark as far as how I fit that within the context of my evaluation of this situation. My biggest liability is the fact that I have three kids. Her only liability (so far) is the fact that she has one kid.

Simple math tells us that 3>1. I have a much greater liability in this area. I know this. She knows this. Several other women I have met also know this, yet they continue to talk to me.

This is goes back to the theme of my original question, "what's going on here?"

My understanding of FSU women is that they are direct. If they had a problem with my kids, they would say so, or just stop talking to me. I am trying to see if there is a common thread behind why these women are still interested in me.

Could it be...
1. People here are overly-negative and my situation isn't as hopeless as they say.
2. The women are so desperate and will do/say anything to leave FSU.
3. Women see my 3 kids as an acceptable compromise if I accept them with their one kid.
4. Something else?

I really don't need the ignorant comments calling me an idiot, telling me blended families are difficult, etc. I have an IQ of 146, placing me in the top 1/2% of intelligent people on the planet. I have made my share of mistakes in life.  This makes me human, not a moron.

Yes, I know blended families are difficult. I don't need any advice on that. Do you think running a company and raising three kids by myself is easy? Do you think earning a masters degree at Harvard while working full time is easy? I don't avoid things because they are difficult. I can run 35 miles without stopping to rest and only require two hours and forty minutes of sleep per day.  At age 10, I had my own business earning thousands of dollars. I started college at age 16 and by age 20, I was managing property and flipping real estate while working full time and finishing school, yet still found time for varsity sports while serving as student body Vice President. I am capable of doing things most people only dream of.

Easy is boring.

[Faux Pas]

brownb

I'm not calling you ignorant nor trying to beat you up verbally or in any other manner. But your logic is warped to say the least. Your math it appears is "I have -3 on the liability scale and she is a -1" Thus because she has a -1 even though she seems to be a terrific woman, she doesn't cut the muster. I don't personally look at kids as a liability that you do. Perhaps that is why I'm just not following you.

I tired of shelling out advice long ago. I'm just telling you your logic is going to get your ass handed to you. If you'll look at it from a logical point of view you'll see it too, if you're able. You're not shopping for a puppy here. Miss Universe Russia isn't looking to take care of your brood and be your sperm dumpster without a big payoff any more than Miss America is. If you're serious about a long loving relationship with a woman from any country, get realistic.

[brownbeard99]

brownb

I'm not calling you ignorant nor trying to beat you up verbally or in any other manner. But your logic is warped to say the least. Your math it appears is "I have -3 on the liability scale and she is a -1" Thus because she has a -1 even though she seems to be a terrific woman, she doesn't cut the muster. I don't personally look at kids as a liability that you do. Perhaps that is why I'm just not following you.

I tired of shelling out advice long ago. I'm just telling you your logic is going to get your ass handed to you. If you'll look at it from a logical point of view you'll see it too, if you're able. You're not shopping for a puppy here. Miss Universe Russia isn't looking to take care of your brood and be your sperm dumpster without a big payoff any more than Miss America is. If you're serious about a long loving relationship with a woman from any country, get realistic.

My logic would be seriously flawed if I was implying "she doesn't cut the muster".  Quite the opposite. To me she is too good to be true. The only thing that makes her not look like a scam is the fact that I doubt a scammer would say she had a kid. I have no problems raising a step-child.  Have done it before and did so quite well. In fact, my ex step-son still calls me daddy and even spent the night at my home last night.  I never said or implied that I expect her to "take care of my brood".  I don't get the meaning of your crude "sperm dumpster" remark either.

I also don't get uour "get realistic" remark. You said that any woman like this is going to want a big payoff.  The whole point of my post was to ask "what's up with this woman? What's in it for her?"  I have been honest about my kid situation and have not exaggerated my job or financial situation.

Sure, I think I'm a great guy, but  don't think I have marketed my "package" strongly enough to warrant "Miss Russia" to pick up her whole life and move it here. I am being extremely realistic. The reality is that Miss Russia IS talking to me. I have been completely honest and direct and she is still interested.

This would be a different story if I was asking how to attract Miss Russia. I'm telling you that I already have and I'm just trying to figure out my next steps.

[LiveFromUkraine]

My logic would be seriously flawed if I was implying "she doesn't cut the muster".  Quite the opposite. To me she is too good to be true. The only thing that makes her not look like a scam is the fact that I doubt a scammer would say she had a kid. I have no problems raising a step-child.  Have done it before and did so quite well. In fact, my ex step-son still calls me daddy and even spent the night at my home last night.  I never said or implied that I expect her to "take care of my brood".  I don't get the meaning of your crude "sperm dumpster" remark either.

I also don't get uour "get realistic" remark. You said that any woman like this is going to want a big payoff.  The whole point of my post was to ask "what's up with this woman? What's in it for her?"  I have been honest about my kid situation and have not exaggerated my job or financial situation.

Sure, I think I'm a great guy, but  don't think I have marketed my "package" strongly enough to warrant "Miss Russia" to pick up her whole life and move it here. I am being extremely realistic. The reality is that Miss Russia IS talking to me. I have been completely honest and direct and she is still interested.

This would be a different story if I was asking how to attract Miss Russia. I'm telling you that I already have and I'm just trying to figure out my next steps.

You're putting her on some pedestal while simultaneously taking yourself out of the game before the first inning.  Only face to face time will tell you if you are compatible.  A lot of face time. I am sure she is a great gal and I am also sure she isn't perfect just like the rest of us. 

[Nightwish]

The only thing that makes her not look like a scam is the fact that I doubt a scammer would say she had a kid.

Man you have a lot to learn about scammers 

I'm not saying this one is, just that they come in all shapes and forms..and with all kind of baggage..

always ask yourself, is this to good to be true... then it probably is..but if there is a chance in hell it's not, don't blow it for yourself by being to dead set on laying out traps.

If you only use common sense, follow the "guidelines" (never ever never send any money to someone you never met, and meet her in HER hometown) and don't get emotional involved/fall in love with a image, before an actual meeting, go for it.. We don't know what kind of taste in women you have, she might be a 10 for you and a 2 for us rest...

[brownbeard99]

You're putting her on some pedestal while simultaneously taking yourself out of the game before the first inning.  Only face to face time will tell you if you are compatible.  I am sure she is a great gal and I am also sure she isn't perfect just like the rest of us. 

Agreed. Coming to this forum always brings me down about 10 notches.  I guess I'm starting to believe the people here who think I need a miracle to happen for me to attract a decent woman and eventually have a successful marriage. Attracting women has never been a problem for me (even now. It's hard to keep up with all the conversations I have going on using Mamba and Facebook).

My problem has always been picking the right woman from the group knocking at my door. That's where I need the most help.

[brownbeard99]

We don't know what kind of taste in women you have, she might be a 10 for you and a 2 for us rest...

This is true. One of my friends thought she was "just okay" and thought one of my "just okay" choices was "drop dead gorgeous"

[jone]

Use a very simple standard.  Select someone who is Wise and Kind. 

[Miquel Westano]

For a woman to be willing to pick up her life and move across the globe, I find it appropriate to ask "why would this particular woman be willing to do this?"

This is goes back to the theme of my original question, "what's going on here?"

It seems like a no brainer to me.  Skype her, then if you get along on Skype go visit.  You have made several references to your financial success, so a few grand for travel doesn't seem like a huge risk to you.

You mentioned your intelligence and business acumen, so I assume sizing someone up is a strength. 

So take the chance and meet her.  You should know right away if she is legit and be able within a few days have a real good idea of the chances of a long term relationship working out.  If you were broke or a social misfit, there would be a lot of risk.  But you are neither, so go meet her.  If she is a scammer you will know.  If she is not the one, you will figure it out.  If she is the one, the cost will seem trivial.  The only way to know what's going on for real is to meet her.

I really don't need the ignorant comments calling me an idiot, telling me blended families are difficult, etc. I have an IQ of 146, placing me in the top 1/2% of intelligent people on the planet. I have made my share of mistakes in life.  This makes me human, not a moron.

Yes, I know blended families are difficult. I don't need any advice on that. Do you think running a company and raising three kids by myself is easy? Do you think earning a masters degree at Harvard while working full time is easy? I don't avoid things because they are difficult. I can run 35 miles without stopping to rest and only require two hours and forty minutes of sleep per day.  At age 10, I had my own business earning thousands of dollars. I started college at age 16 and by age 20, I was managing property and flipping real estate while working full time and finishing school, yet still found time for varsity sports while serving as student body Vice President. I am capable of doing things most people only dream of.

Easy is boring.

If this is all true, and I have no reason to doubt you, then you have more than enough ability to meet this lady and make a smart decision.  Anyone that can accomplish all that can easily ferret out a scammer or even an insincere woman face to face.

Don't talk yourself out of something based on that math formula.  I couldn't do a third of what you have accomplished, but I can look someone in the eye and tell if they are playing me.

[Faux Pas]

My logic would be seriously flawed if I was implying "she doesn't cut the muster".  Quite the opposite. To me she is too good to be true. The only thing that makes her not look like a scam is the fact that I doubt a scammer would say she had a kid. I have no problems raising a step-child.  Have done it before and did so quite well. In fact, my ex step-son still calls me daddy and even spent the night at my home last night.  I never said or implied that I expect her to "take care of my brood".  I don't get the meaning of your crude "sperm dumpster" remark either.

I also don't get uour "get realistic" remark. You said that any woman like this is going to want a big payoff.  The whole point of my post was to ask "what's up with this woman? What's in it for her?"  I have been honest about my kid situation and have not exaggerated my job or financial situation.

Sure, I think I'm a great guy, but  don't think I have marketed my "package" strongly enough to warrant "Miss Russia" to pick up her whole life and move it here. I am being extremely realistic. The reality is that Miss Russia IS talking to me. I have been completely honest and direct and she is still interested.

This would be a different story if I was asking how to attract Miss Russia. I'm telling you that I already have and I'm just trying to figure out my next steps.

You seem to be all over the place here bb. As far as I know, you found her on mamba? You found her, assume she's not a scammer for that reason alone. You're not joining and paying the MOB sites for the letter or chat cam time or the normal places where scammers congregate. You can't begin to build a relationship on any premise if she is less than truthful with you (and you know it). Assume she is completely honest until you have a reason not to. If she's not honest with you in due time it will show.

Get realistic in your expectations of what and whom this women to fulfill your hopes and dreams actually is. 21-31 (IIRC) with no children, you're in your 40's with 3 children isn't very realistic no matter what country you go to. Very few will marry you with the idea that they will take care of your kids for you, cook their meals and be waiting as the sexy vixen in the bedroom when you come home at night. Think about when you were 21-31 single with no kids. Would you have been hooking up with a 40 year old with 3 kids because she needed the help? No, you wouldn't but, you might have if you were in love with the old hag.

My point I was eluding to earlier, forget the fact that she has a kid, or 4 kids or no kids. At this stage none of that matters. Find the woman that interests you and work on the relationship. Let the relationship develop, let it determine if she cuts the muster and progress from there. Yes, she needs to know you have 3 kids up front,the same as you need to know she has 1. Don't let those invariable facts determine the relationship you haven't even built yet. You'll be taking care of your kids, that's a given and she'll be taking care of hers. The question is can you make a relationship work given those fixed situations that pleases you both. If it doesn't please you both, it won't last long.

[Faux Pas]

For the record bb, I do know some of what I speak. I raised 2 kids as a single father and I have been married to a Russian woman going on 7 years. Although, I did not go to Russia until the youngest was half way through college. I came very close to marrying AW on a couple of occasions but did not pull the trigger and every time it was the matter of the "blended family" question. Both AW were wonderful women.

I'm not suggesting you wait until your kids are grown, that decision is totally up to you. The fact that you have them says there's some good in you. Remember, the kids didn't ask for the divorce, your remarrying, blended families etc etc. They will be the kids you raised

[Boethius]

In the Slavic parts of the FSU, if a woman is 30, has a child, and has never been married, it often is because she has character traits a FSUM will not tolerate.

[HoundDaddyLee]

Ok, I will help you understand my logic.

 When considering a potential spouse, we all have positives and negatives. Our potential partner has them as well. A decision to go forward typically occurs when we determine that the positives outweigh the negatives.

For a woman to be willing to pick up her life and move across the globe, I find it appropriate to ask "why would this particular woman be willing to do this?" I believe most American men would consider the woman I mentioned to be close to a "perfect 10" when you consider the whole package.  I now have to ask myself, "Why doesn't she have dozens of eligible bachelors lining up for her in her home town?"  The obvious answer is, "Because she has a kid"

You were correct to mention the fact that I have 3 kids, but completely off the mark as far as how I fit that within the context of my evaluation of this situation. My biggest liability is the fact that I have three kids. Her only liability (so far) is the fact that she has one kid.

Simple math tells us that 3>1. I have a much greater liability in this area. I know this. She knows this. Several other women I have met also know this, yet they continue to talk to me.

This is goes back to the theme of my original question, "what's going on here?"

My understanding of FSU women is that they are direct. If they had a problem with my kids, they would say so, or just stop talking to me. I am trying to see if there is a common thread behind why these women are still interested in me.

Could it be...
1. People here are overly-negative and my situation isn't as hopeless as they say.
2. The women are so desperate and will do/say anything to leave FSU.
3. Women see my 3 kids as an acceptable compromise if I accept them with their one kid.
4. Something else?

I really don't need the ignorant comments calling me an idiot, telling me blended families are difficult, etc. I have an IQ of 146, placing me in the top 1/2% of intelligent people on the planet. I have made my share of mistakes in life.  This makes me human, not a moron.

Yes, I know blended families are difficult. I don't need any advice on that. Do you think running a company and raising three kids by myself is easy? Do you think earning a masters degree at Harvard while working full time is easy? I don't avoid things because they are difficult. I can run 35 miles without stopping to rest and only require two hours and forty minutes of sleep per day.  At age 10, I had my own business earning thousands of dollars. I started college at age 16 and by age 20, I was managing property and flipping real estate while working full time and finishing school, yet still found time for varsity sports while serving as student body Vice President. I am capable of doing things most people only dream of.

Easy is boring.

Hi BB,


You are over thinking this. Get her on Skype. If you can't, move on. She will have a computer and high speed internet if she is a high level professional like you state. Once you are comfortable with her, then get on a plane (just you, not you and the children) and visit her. If you do this, have a plan b for back up. There have been many men who have over thought themselves out of quality women. If you want to find red flags everywhere, you will be able to.


My recommendation is to meet her on camera and then get your poka on the plane and spend time with her.


Just my two cents,
HDL

[TagUrIt898]

And the award for the longest thread in "Introductions and Icebreakers" goes to......😜

[brownbeard99]

It seems like a no brainer to me.  Skype her, then if you get along on Skype go visit.  You have made several references to your financial success, so a few grand for travel doesn't seem like a huge risk to you.

You mentioned your intelligence and business acumen, so I assume sizing someone up is a strength. 

So take the chance and meet her.  You should know right away if she is legit and be able within a few days have a real good idea of the chances of a long term relationship working out.  If you were broke or a social misfit, there would be a lot of risk.  But you are neither, so go meet her.  If she is a scammer you will know.  If she is not the one, you will figure it out.  If she is the one, the cost will seem trivial.  The only way to know what's going on for real is to meet her.

If this is all true, and I have no reason to doubt you, then you have more than enough ability to meet this lady and make a smart decision.  Anyone that can accomplish all that can easily ferret out a scammer or even an insincere woman face to face.

Don't talk yourself out of something based on that math formula.  I couldn't do a third of what you have accomplished, but I can look someone in the eye and tell if they are playing me.

Thanks for your input. Laying it out like that is a real confidence booster. I actually owe much of my success in life, not to being "smart", but by a strong sense of intuition, especially when reading people. I began doubting my intuition about 5 years ago when something "didn't feel right" with almost every significant conversation with my wife, her friends, and her family. With her help, I convinced myself that my "people compass" was broken and I was just paranoid (I also did not want to accept the truth). It turns out that there was a lot of stuff going on behind my back and my intuition was right the entire time. 

I am building back confidence in my instincts which has paid if tremendously in business. I'm just more wary in the relationship world where the stakes are much higher. Also, I find that people from some cultures are not as easy to read. In all my interactions with FSU people, they have been very direct (often blunt), so there was no need to "read" them. I'm trying to picture what a disingenuous FSU woman would look like. I guess if she is passive and agrees with everything I say... Something must be terribly wrong!

Thanks again for your input!

[brownbeard99]

For the record bb, I do know some of what I speak. I raised 2 kids as a single father and I have been married to a Russian woman going on 7 years. Although, I did not go to Russia until the youngest was half way through college. I came very close to marrying AW on a couple of occasions but did not pull the trigger and every time it was the matter of the "blended family" question. Both AW were wonderful women.

I'm not suggesting you wait until your kids are grown, that decision is totally up to you. The fact that you have them says there's some good in you. Remember, the kids didn't ask for the divorce, your remarrying, blended families etc etc. They will be the kids you raised

Psychological research on happiness has concluded that to be happy, most people need two things: Purpose and pleasure.

We are all wired differently. People find pleasure different ways. I find pleasure when I am in an intimate relationship with a woman (not just sex).  I can find pleasure  without a woman, but it is not as great and there is also some pain. For my entire life, I have never been able to sleep through the night unless I am with a woman I care about. (Don't bother offering alternatives. I have had to live with this problem my entire life and have considered virtually everything). For the past two years, I have had to force myself to sleep 2 hours and forty minutes each day (not all at once). I do this so I can get enough REM sleep so I don't go crazy.

Perhaps I will search and never find the right woman. If I don't try, I am guaranteeing that I will never find her.

[brownbeard99]

In the Slavic parts of the FSU, if a woman is 30, has a child, and has never been married, it often is because she has character traits a FSUM will not tolerate.

What are the more common undesirable traits? I have met plenty of AW that look great on paper, but couldn't wait to get away from them after we met.

So basically, I'm curious to know if these are traits that FSUM hate, but typical AM don't mind. If it's stuff like greed, selfishness, and dishonesty, I don't want that either!

[brownbeard99]

And the award for the longest thread in "Introductions and Icebreakers" goes to......😜

I really thought people would get bored with me and my life by now.

It's interesting to think that at any given time, 50-100 people find this discussion interesting enough to read.

Maybe I should write a book. You all are invited to be co-authors. Without the conflict, this thread wouldn't be nearly as interesting. I'm always anxious to see what people are going to say about me next....

[BillyB]

I started my "research" by posting a profile on mamba.

From my experience here, I was pretty convinced that no Russian woman would be interested in me in a million years. If a woman is, she is either a con artist or is really messed up in some way.

  I doubt she was even looking to meet an American (I approached her), yet here we are

Most people on Mamba are looking for locals. Your success rate there isn't going to be good since most women there aren't going to want to locate. There won't be many scammers there except some from Nigeria who will eventually tell you they need help. Bride.ru advertises there and some of the girls on Mamba sign up for Bride.ru and are willing to relocate.


Call the lady and Skype with her often. You will discover if you two enjoy talking together or not. If you can't have a pleasant conversation with her on the phone, chances are you're not going to have a pleasant conversation in real life.

So now that I feel like an undesirable loser, I am asking myself, "This woman is almost completely perfect except the kid issue. Why the hell is she taking to me?" 

Why ask why? I have a friend who's brother married an American woman 20 years younger and is against the marriage. I said "What about my marriage with a large age gap?" He said my wife was a good woman and he thinks his brother's wife is a gold digger although he met her once. He doesn't want to get married and enjoys the single life and one night stands. I reminded him the stories he told me. He's bedded women in their 20's and 30's at least once a month that he's met at bars. He's 55. He doesn't get why younger women are attracted to an older guy. I told him "Why ask why? Just enjoy their company" If you aren't there for them, some other guy will be. You want that gorgeous woman to be with another man or you?


If you feel this woman is a 10 and you are not worthy of her, then you need to get yourself in a place you are worth of 10's. You could be a 10 in your communication skills, personality, character or whatever and then you deserve to be with a 10.

I guess my biggest question is, if this is the real deal, what's the most common way an American guy will screw it up?

Your lack of confidence will screw it up every time. Women want men they can look up to and respect. They don't want to look down at the men worshipping them at their feet.

[Boethius]

What are the more common undesirable traits? I have met plenty of AW that look great on paper, but couldn't wait to get away from them after we met.

So basically, I'm curious to know if these are traits that FSUM hate, but typical AM don't mind. If it's stuff like greed, selfishness, and dishonesty, I don't want that either!

Typically, the same ones AM hate.  The difference is, he will be attuned to them very quickly.  You, for a variety of reasons (language barriers, lack of knowledge of the culture, lack of face to face time) will not be.

[2tallbill]

Most people on Mamba are looking for locals. Your success rate there isn't going to be good since most women there aren't going to want to locate. There won't be many scammers there except some from Nigeria who will eventually tell you they need help. Bride.ru advertises there and some of the girls on Mamba sign up for Bride.ru and are willing to relocate.

BillyB, I started a thread about Mamba here so as to not clutter this one with your
rather dubious advice. I will start another thread regarding yellow flowers as well.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=19857.new#new
thread.

To Bear who is brown, I disagree with BillyB's advice and will argue with him about
it at the link above. I'm definitely not always write and BillyB isn't always wrong.
Read both opinions and decide for yourself.

Udachi!

Bill

[southernX]

BB
just had aquick read of thread again skimmed over it mostly lol

firstly , yes you are over thinking this

know yourself well , which you seem to , make a flexible plan and then commit  to it !!

you need to understand many of these women are looking for a reliable stable and secure partner,
their not neccesarily looking for  a country , they usually love their own , but have chosen to look further a field , that if you think about it is what you are also doing and looking for

just because a woman has a child , it does not always mean she has no choice in who she chooses, many of the women with children actually know all to well what they dont want in a  man , and they tend ime to be more choosy , not desperate as some would like to believe
having their childs future to think about tends to make them more selective ime


bb , trust your intuition or gut instinct , it rarely will fail you ime . 
keep us posted on your adventure

SX

[ML]

I'm definitely not always write and BillyB isn't always wrong. Bill

Bill, shouldn't your wording be something like "I'm definitely not always write and BillyB isn't always read."

[brownbeard99]

Typically, the same ones AM hate.  The difference is, he will be attuned to them very quickly.  You, for a variety of reasons (language barriers, lack of knowledge of the culture, lack of face to face time) will not be.

In that case, I guess I should focus more on mamba.  The women there seem pretty great so far.... and if they are completely undesirable to FSU men, they don't seem to know about it.