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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473518 times)

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Offline OlgaH

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #875 on: June 29, 2008, 06:39:26 PM »
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable  programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 -------------------------------------
 Dear Desperate:

 First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You  Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the  Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is  a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in  the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 . In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and  cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying  additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and  Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Offline steviej

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #876 on: June 29, 2008, 09:52:55 PM »
Olga ... funny !!  :ROFL:

I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #877 on: June 30, 2008, 07:35:52 AM »

The other side of that coin...... ;)
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Bruno

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #878 on: July 07, 2008, 02:16:06 PM »
Olga ... funny !!  :ROFL:

I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)

And for the men... two other software :

*Male Friend Needs Technical Support with GIRLFRIEND software :

Can you please advise me.  I'm having some problems.  I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.  I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off.  But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.  I just run them separately, and it works okay.  Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.  I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.  He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.  Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus.  I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.  It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system!  Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!  The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.  Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram.  Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.  Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.  And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".  A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did.  But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog".  It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else.  One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.  Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.  I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.  Can you help??

* Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    * A "don't remind me again" button.
    * Minimize button.
    * Ability to delete the "headache" file
    * An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
    * An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!


Offline steviej

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #879 on: July 07, 2008, 09:23:28 PM »
The other side of that coin...... ;)

Good one !!  :ROFL:

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #880 on: July 08, 2008, 12:50:39 PM »
How many of these do we have?   Wise old men ...that is! :)   ;)   :D   >:(

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Peace........Mamma D


 
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #881 on: July 08, 2008, 01:39:18 PM »

This is a very LARGE annoucement. 
Enjoy!!!!!
 
 
    Pfizer Corp. announced.....   
 
     
    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #882 on: July 09, 2008, 11:47:01 PM »
 Daddy's Phone Call

Child: "Hello?"

Daddy: "Hi honey. It's Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?"

Child: "No Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

Daddy: "Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

Child: "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy."

Brief Pause.

Daddy: "Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone.

Child: "I did it, Daddy."

Daddy: "What happened, honey?"

Child: "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Daddy: "Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

Child: "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Daddy: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #883 on: July 09, 2008, 11:55:47 PM »
 Anything You Want

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #884 on: July 10, 2008, 12:21:18 AM »
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert


3 Dogs at the Vet

3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab.

The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #885 on: July 10, 2008, 12:50:45 AM »


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #886 on: July 10, 2008, 01:21:32 AM »
Police Emergency

This is the story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Jet

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #887 on: July 20, 2008, 05:19:53 AM »
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across  the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared  the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.' He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'  She said, 'Well, think of your wife and  children.'   He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'  She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.' He  replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?'' 

She replied, ''Well bless your  heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb @ss Yankee.'
Every action in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. ~ Geo. Washington

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #888 on: July 20, 2008, 05:43:49 PM »
Remember when ?
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #889 on: July 20, 2008, 05:45:29 PM »
The wheels of life.... where are you?
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #890 on: July 20, 2008, 05:49:52 PM »
     Blonde in Starbucks....
     

    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

    a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.



    So she peels it off and starts screaming,

    "I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!"



    The waitres! s says, "That's impossible.

    The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"



    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    "I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!"



    Finally, the manager comes over and says,

    "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

    You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

    because we didn't have that as a prize.



    The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.

    I've won a motorhome!"



    And she hands the ticket to the

    manager and HE reads...


     
    (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



     
     
    "W I N A B A G E L"
     
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #891 on: July 20, 2008, 05:53:54 PM »
It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....

The  Silent Treatment 
 
A  man and his wife were having some problems at home  and  were giving each other the silent treatment. 
 
Suddenly,  the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at  5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.   
 
Not  wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  of paper, 
 
'Please  wake me at 5:00 AM .' 
 
He  left it where he knew she would find it.
 
The  next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had  missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and  see  why his wife hadn't wakened him,  when  he noticed a piece of paper by the  bed. 
 
The  paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
 
Men  are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline KenC

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #892 on: July 20, 2008, 06:34:27 PM »
I loved that last one, Momma!
KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #893 on: July 27, 2008, 09:07:17 PM »


A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a shopping cart.  Each time she put something in the cart she would say, "and here's something for you, Diploma."  Or This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.  Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to LSU and this is what she came home with!"
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #894 on: July 28, 2008, 08:12:43 AM »
NOW WE KNOW.......

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...



I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND.
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.  (spelled hysterectomy, but sounds HIS)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #895 on: July 28, 2008, 09:50:09 AM »
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
Your forgot pregNancy (not pregJohn, though he may be involved marginally) ;D.
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #896 on: July 28, 2008, 10:34:11 AM »
A Matter of Perception....I Think......

cream and sugar

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
 
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
 
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bra
because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him,

"How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two would be fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
 "And cream?" she asks.
 
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I don't think so!"   :)   

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline msmoby_ru

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #897 on: July 28, 2008, 11:18:37 AM »
It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....

The  Silent Treatment 
 
   

Priceless humour :)

Many thanks

Offline groovlstk

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #898 on: July 29, 2008, 07:18:06 AM »
It would be just my luck to sit next to this woman on the metro someday:

http://exiledonline.com/patriotic-babushka-sings-stalins-praises/

Offline diverboy70

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #899 on: July 29, 2008, 07:30:46 AM »
I jst love this :D


 

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