Time for some Humor!!

[Admin]

Idiots 101 yes using flip flops to float a power strip

That looks like a European outlet strip - which, if true, operates at 220v instead of the US standard of 110v. Packs quite a wallop, and in the water like that, I would imagine it could produce a deadly jolt.

I hope someone with some sense got those guys out of the water and corrected that idiocy.

- Dan

[viking]

Hmmm. Water, electricity, alcohol. Not a good combination. Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stero so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with. But then, one small splash and their "gene pool" is gone forever.

[Jet]

Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stereo so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with.

Pretty sure that's an electric griddle 

[viking]

Ok. I stand corrected. I guess they were heating it up to be used as a pool water heater.

[2tallbill]

Pretty sure that's an electric griddle 

Yes, it's an electric grill / flat bed scanner for sending butt cheek scans back to the home office or toasting buns.
Its a vital and necessary feature of any truly serious pool party.

Of course they are drinking piva (beer) from glass bottles which the combination of glass, electricity (preferably high voltage) and high amounts of alcohol consumption while individually could be considered dangerous but when they are all three combined together simultaneously it actually enhances safety.........................................................

.......
.................

(of polluting the gene pool)

In addition it should be remembered how safe and beneficial it is to have a good very very hot (enough to cook raw food) heat source near slippery surfaces (like a pool) while wearing safety clothing such as swim wear. What they really need to do is to put up a volley ball net in the pool as well and doesn't anyone bring fireworks/guns/chainsaws or poisonous snakes to parties anymore?

[Gator]

I venture into this thread with some trepidation.

The Idiots 101 joke reminds me that is the magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed to honor the least evolved among us.

WHAT AMAZES ME IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WALK AMONG US

(sorry, no photos, requires the art of reading)


Here is the glorious winner:

>> 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

>> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. 

The chef's claim was approved.

>> 3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.

Understandably, he shot her.

>> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

>> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he  could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

>> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ....$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

>> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.  That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

>> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

>> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

>> In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family ... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[KenC]

Gator,
I love these awards every year!  At leaset the "winner" will not be able to procreate,  Thanks for sharing.
KenC

[acrzybear]

 

[acrzybear]

Funny commercial for Berlitz language courses

[youtube=425,350]Cu-hW75wF4E&rel=1[/youtube]

Another good clip

[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]

[acrzybear]

Some advice for the ladies (I've typed the important ones in bold)

 RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
(There's more than 25)
 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
 3. Birthday, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find   
    the perfect present, again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
     don't want to hear.
 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
 6. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
    such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.
10. Shopping is not a sport.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is black mail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
16. Your brother is an idiot.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a
     calendar.
18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult then peeing from point blank range.
     We're bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be
     any good choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
20. Yes and NO are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best freind.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective then deceived.
26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
     All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
     soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
     make you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Lets us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
     you are?
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it 
     done...not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
      about having their breasts stared at.
36. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
37. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
      look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
      the magazines.
38. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
     going out.
39. Anyone can buy condoms.
40. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.

[acrzybear]

Another notable geneology search effort....

Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?

  For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".  Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

  Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

  Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

  Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

 Sincerely,
 Crock O. Schitt

[acrzybear]

Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.

1.  "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
     started to dig."
2.  "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3.  "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
     won't be."
4.  "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a   
     trap"
5.  "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6.  "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7.  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8.  "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
9.  "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[MaxxumUSA]

Another good clip

[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]

This one is SO funny.  My stomach hurt and tears came to my eyes from laughing so hard.

Great find!

[catzenmouse]

Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.

In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.

After 8 years of working there I am in the middle of advanced retraining just to be able to figure out the difference between my @ss and a hole in the ground. Half way through the year long therapy I now know what a hole in the ground is... 

[2tallbill]

 A blonde went into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect.) 'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man .
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did.
'Now take down my zipper'. She did.
'Now go ahead ... Take it out....' he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said . . .

Mom can you hear me?

[acrzybear]

In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.

Ahhhh THAT explains why I'm not as smart as I was before my promotion 3 years ago and why I can't get promoted to Lieutenant.  I thought of dumbing myself down, but I couldn't bear the thought of becoming a Democrat.

[2tallbill]

Play ground.......

[2tallbill]

The light at the end of the tunnel.....

[2tallbill]

get bent.........

[2tallbill]

Even at a tender age little Billy looked up to women.........

[2tallbill]

And even today Little Billy has changed very little.........

[2tallbill]

Jihad........

[2tallbill]

Another little Billy photo......

[2tallbill]

never a silent night..........

[Gator]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN AUSTRALIA

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
 
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
 
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."