Rookie Questions

[aaja]

I am new so I hope I put this in the right place.
About 6 months months ago I started writing a women from Odessa she is 30 soon to be 31 and I just turned 46.  I meet her through Anastasia int. she has a son that is 7.  As we have been talking I asked some questions that she gets very defensive about, mostly about her son.  I asked if he ever see's his dad or if he has any contact with his dad.  She said that before she became pregnant they split up and she did not know she was pregnant until after he was gone.  Since then she has not seen him, then she told me she did not want to talk about it.  Is this normal?  Is this subject taboo in the FSU?  Are there any other subjects I should not address?  I have also noticed a lot seems to get lost in translation I mean my sense of humour is just useless she also seems or I get the feeling she is very serious as to every aspect of her life.  Could it be that her humour is also lost in translation as well?
I wanted to send her and her son something for father frost so I asked for her address she gave it to me and then I found out that Fed-ex wants $350.00 to ship the package.  So now I want to verify the address as I do not want to pay $350.00 to get the package back.  Can someone tell me how to do this?  I have asked her if she wants to talk on the phone to which she never responed so I offered to send her some money to cover her phone cost and something happened (in translation of course) and she thought I was just going to send her money, she wrote back not to send money saying she would not take it.  I don't know if Anastasia charges the girls for the call or not.    
Have I made a lot of rookie mistakes?  :noidea:

[viking]

Yes, Yes and Yes.

Have you read the Ten Commandments here?  NEVER send money to some one you have not met. All you have done so far is to write and receive letters from a photograph. You do not even know if the photos are real, or any thing else for that matter. If you have not gotten her phone number by now, after 6 months, something is wrong. Any RW who is interested in someone will give you a number and they all have cell phones. AWeb does not have the best reputation to begin with. Letter writing and translation makes them a lot of money. I will let others answer the questions regarding discussions of her son, who are more in tune with that, but you may be getting too personal, or, she does not have one.  You have many red flags going on here.

If you want to have some verification of address, just send some flowers. There are many legit places ( see RWDs reviews section) that will deliver them and take a photo and send back to you. I dont know what you are thinking about sending by FedEx. A flat panel TV? I can send a small box of goodies by USPS and it will cost around $20. You are getting way too involved at this point. Better to spend the money on a plane ticket and see for yourself.

[ScottinCrimea]

Welcome aaja!  You're in the right place and there are many here who can help you with your questions.  I'll address a couple of them.

From my experience, RW just don't like to talk about the past all that much.  I understand why you were asking the questions about her son, but obviously this is a pretty sensitive subject with her, as it would be for most women, especially since she doesn't know you all that well and has never met you, so best to just let it rest.  It has nothing to do with being a taboo subject in the FSU.

When you mean a lot gets lost in translation what do you mean?  Apparently you haven't talked to her on the phone yet so who is translating your letters?  If her English isn't so good, and even if it is, you can expect a lot of things to be lost in translation so you need to learn ways to communicate more clearly and clarify quickly when something doesn't seem to make sense.  One thing that really helped me a lot was learning Russian because it helped me know how to phrase things in English more clearly.

While it's good to show a sense of humor, you need to be careful. For example, sarcastic humor just doesn't go over well with them.  Also, the double meanings usually inherent in humor can be easily misinterpreted and cause offense.

There are a lot cheaper ways to send packages to Ukraine than Fedex, including the regular post office.  What were you planning on sending?  Until you have met her and actually have a relationship, it would be inappropriate to send certain types of gifts.  I would also be very cautious about bringing her son into the relationship too early, as RW can be very protective of their children and even sending a gift to him at this stage may be a bit presumptious.

Don't be offering to send money for phone or anything else as this will offend a serious RW and besides, if you haven't heard it before I will try to make it clear.  NEVER SEND MONEY TO A WOMAN THAT YOU HAVEN'T MET YET".

She may have not responded to the offer to talk on the phone for a number of reasons, mostly related to the advantages to the agency of continued contact through them.  Those here with experience with Anastasia Int. can fill you in a lot better on this.  You really should have been talking on the phone with her long before now.

Now for the really big question:  You have been communicating with this woman for six months now. Why haven't you gotten on a plane and gone to see her yet?

What is your plan, or do you have one?  Have you communicated this plan to her?  Continued long term letter writing with no solid plans to do something to move the relationship forward just won't work.

[Shadow]

Have you tried to google the address ? You would be amazed what you can find sometimes. Also check it out on Google Maps or Live Maps, to get an impression of what area the address is in.

[Doll]

Is this normal?

yes

[GoodOlBoy]

Now for the really big question:  You have been communicating with this woman for six months now. Why haven't you gotten on a plane and gone to see her yet?

Hello AAJA and welcome to RWD.

When I first read your post, this is the exact question that came to my mind.

After 6 month's, if you have not made or discussed any plans to go see her, I doubt she thinks you are serious.

I am going to be really blunt with you, these ladies get thousands of emails and letters from men all over the world. If you are really interested in this lady and her son, you have to take the next step. Tell her you want to make plans to meet her somewhere.

Make no mistake about it, these are VERY special ladies and I hope you find the happiness that I found in Russia. Good Luck! 


GOB

[Enot]

As far as not talking about her son/her ex, it's probably because her marriage/relationship was not a good one and doesn't want to dwell or remember it.  I've known a Russian woman for almost 3 years now and she doesn't like, sees, or talks to her father.  I ask why and she wouldn't tell me.  So don't worry about this, just don't bring up the subject again untill she does.

Yes I agree with the others, it's time to see her.  Former Soviet Union (FSU) women will continue to write to many men until they know they have a commitment from one guy.  I know of a few cases where the guy was ready to marry a girl then he got a "Dear John" letter saying she is marrying someone else.  Now I'm not saying to rush into asnything but a FSU woman needs to feel secure in a relationship before she commits and seeing her is the first step.

As far as sending money before meeting I take a different approach.  Don't send more than you want to lose and send it with the impression that it is gone and don't expect any "rewards" for sending money.  I sent money before meeting, luckily she turned out to be my wife!

Good luck! 

[Gator]

Welcome aaja!

Before I forget, what are your plans for traveling to the FSU and meeting one or more women?  If you are serious, then start corresponding with other women via a more reputable agency.  And then get on the telephone and talk, talk, talk.  Try to avoid women whose English will not allow a serious conversation.

... they split up and she did not know she was pregnant until after he was gone.  Since then she has not seen him, then she told me she did not want to talk about it.  Is this normal?  

From my experience, RW just don't like to talk about the past all that much.  I understand why you were asking the questions about her son, but obviously this is a pretty sensitive subject with her, as it would be for most women, especially since she doesn't know you all that well and has never met you, so best to just let it rest.  It has nothing to do with being a taboo subject in the FSU.

No need to write anything else when Scott explained it perfectly.  RW are not AW in the sense that most 1) are not nosey and 2) do not appreciate anyone sticking their nose into their life.

Are there any other subjects I should not address?

You are planning an expensive trip and you need to know much about this woman unless you will go WMVM.  So, ask her any question whose answer is necessary to decide whether to meet her.  Just make sure the question is necessary and not just idle chatter.  An example is whether she wants to have more children.   Be a man, ask the question directly, and do not talk about the subject anymore unless her answer is vague.  

I have also noticed a lot seems to get lost in translation I mean my sense of humour is just useless she also seems or I get the feeling she is very serious as to every aspect of her life.  Could it be that her humour is also lost in translation as well?

Is your humor sophisticated or silly?  RW detest silly humor.  Russians appreciate sarcasm.  Then again, maybe she is humorless.

[GoodOlBoy]

 I have also noticed a lot seems to get lost in translation I mean my sense of humour is just useless she also seems or I get the feeling she is very serious as to every aspect of her life.  

My wife and I  have been married going on 4 years. She has worked in this country for over 3 years. She strongly dislikes American jokes, especially in the workplace. She thinks they are silly. And yes, FSU women are very serious.

FSU women are not silly people.

A perfect example: My wife detests seeing cake pushed into another persons face (ie: during wedding reception or maybe just a comedy movie). She calls it "glupost"...stupid.

Don't get me wrong, FSU women love humor, but it just a different type of humor than we know here in the USA.


GOB

[aaja]

All I was going to send was a remote control car with an adapter (plug) and a gold necklace both total $120.00.  I opted for the insurance when FedEx gave me the quote.  This is the first RW I have ever talked to so I had no real plan.  I guess I am thinking this (she) does not exist, and thats why I have not gone to the FSU.
Oh, I found the spell check.

[possum]

I'd like to chime in on the subject of humor in the FSU.. It is my understanding that the decades of Communist oppression followed by years of economic and political instability have deprived Russians of the ability to find joy in simple things like silly jokes, pratfalls, etc.. Most of us have been conditioned to respond only to sarcasm and dark humor as a sort of defense mechanism against the harsh reality.. Schadenfreude and making fun of the people in other cultures/countries in a mean way are also considered great sources of entertainment in the FSU.. If you've ever watched Russian TV, chances are you've seen a guy named Mikhail Zadornov making fun of Americans in prime time.. the same Mikhail Zadornov who's been declared persona non grata in the US precisely for the kind of crap he's spewing on a weekly basis on more than one channel here, it seems.. Anyway, this guy's ratings are through the roof, and that says a lot about the kind of entertainment Russians are used to..

[Sculpto]

If you've ever watched Russian TV, chances are you've seen a guy named Mikhail Zadornov making fun of Americans in prime time.. the same Mikhail Zadornov who's been declared persona non grata in the US precisely for the kind of crap he's spewing on a weekly basis on more than one channel here, it seems.. Anyway, this guy's ratings are through the roof, and that says a lot about the kind of entertainment Russians are used to..

It would be interesting to do a comparison of how Americans are portrayed in Russia and Russians portrayed in the USA in pop media.  Seems here Russians are always gangsters or GCGs.. rare to see a flattering or likeable character.

[Shadow]

All I was going to send was a remote control car with an adapter (plug) and a gold necklace both total $120.00.  I opted for the insurance when FedEx gave me the quote.  This is the first RW I have ever talked to so I had no real plan.  I guess I am thinking this (she) does not exist, and thats why I have not gone to the FSU.
Oh, I found the spell check.

Sending a package will not make sure she exists. The only way to find out is by going over there and see in person.

[Shadow]

If you've ever watched Russian TV, chances are you've seen a guy named Mikhail Zadornov making fun of Americans in prime time.. the same Mikhail Zadornov who's been declared persona non grata in the US precisely for the kind of crap he's spewing on a weekly basis on more than one channel here, it seems.. Anyway, this guy's ratings are through the roof, and that says a lot about the kind of entertainment Russians are used to..

Some of his quotes...

    * If you have something against democracy, while democracy is in your land,—you're finished (TV concert, 1999)

    * "I do not criticize America—I criticize our [Russian] way to copy the American way of life—especially its worst side" (TV concert, 2003)

    * "I travel to Ukraine about three times a year now, and every time I come, I ask the guy at the train station 'What's new?' to which he always answers 'elections'. I want to buy a parrot that lives about 300 years, and officially adopt him so at least one of my family members sees the end of the Ukrainian elections."

    * "Oh the Estonians have joined NATO, I'm so scared. Will we ever have time to run for our lives if the Estonians attack us?"

    * "I've said enough about Estonia, Latvia, Georgia, and oh yeah, I also talked about Ukraine.. Now let's talk about their government... the Americans"

    * "The diary of Yuri Luzhkov: 8:00 AM: Make the clouds over Moscow go away. \\ 10:00 AM: Get the clouds back to make the gay-parade go away.

    * "In America's sports up till nowadays black people are the best runners, and white - the best shooters."

    * "How come so that you [Americans] know English language so well?"

    * "When a king silences the jester, the role of the jester is passed to the king"

[possum]

* "When a king silences the jester, the role of the jester is passed to the king"

Some jester he is.. The job of a jester is to make fun of the king, among everything else.. And when was the last time he made a joke about Putin?. Never, that I know of..

[Shadow]

Some jester he is.. The job of a jester is to make fun of the king, among everything else.. And when was the last time he made a joke about Putin?. Never, that I know of..

I did not know that Putin was appointed as king already. 

[Sculpto]

I did not know that Putin was appointed as king already. 

the King has no clothes...

[possum]

I did not know that Putin was appointed as king already. 

He was anointed King of Russia by former president Yeltsin on December 30, 1999..

[Diplomacy]

The influence of harsh times is often laughed about when it is going on.  You got a choice laugh at it or let it destroy you.  There is a third option, do something about it but I am not sure if and when that becomes a reality in the FSU.

[SANDRO43]

Seems here Russians are always gangsters

Just a clever diversion by the Italian Mafia, to shift attention elsewhere .

[OlgaH]

Some jester he is.. The job of a jester is to make fun of the king, among everything else.. And when was the last time he made a joke about Putin?. Never, that I know of..

 

http://azamatreport.blogspot.com/2007/09/100-mikhail-zadornov.html

[Mishenka]

All I was going to send was a remote control car with an adapter (plug) and a gold necklace both total $120.00.  I opted for the insurance when FedEx gave me the quote.  This is the first RW I have ever talked to so I had no real plan.  I guess I am thinking this (she) does not exist, and thats why I have not gone to the FSU.
Oh, I found the spell check.

aaja,
Whatever you do, DO NOT use Fedex,DHL, or UPS. They are charging four times more than US mail and not the best international service. Express Mail International cost less than $70 including insurance if under 10 pounds.  Always insure for the amount of the items and shipping cost to cover your loss. As for insurance, $100 is included in the Express price. I ship to the FSU on a regular basis and have had no problems. All my packages arrive within 7 or 8 days from California. East cost is a few days faster.

Her story sounds familiar to me. I have met such a woman the same age with a 7 year old from Odessa who acted in the same way as the one you are writing. Did she mention that her son has health issues? Save the personal private conversations for face to face meeting. Gain some trust before you ask about her past. She will see little value in bringing it up and wonder why you are asking. Most of the FSU women I know have a great sense of humor and love to laugh.

For many FSU women, it is considerd tabu to speak about private matters, especially before you have met face to face. Even then, trust takes time to build. Before you send any gifts, you need to know the person very well. Something small at first, I sent flowers in certain colours, then asked for a time stamped photo of her holding them. This way I knew she got them, and verified her address. it helped that i had a friend living in her city that was willing and able to buy them and deliver for me. The cost was for the roses= $11.00 and delivery was free. It worked in my favor that my freind took photos, but she emailed them to me. Not long after this we met face to face and spent 30 days together. She never left my side until I departed at the airport. She will fly to me at the end of February.

Mishenka

[aaja]

Thanks for the mailing advise MISHENKA.

I have to say I was not looking for an RW to date or marry I just saw the web sites ad and clicked on it.  I do OK dating here in Michigan though, I don't date a lot due to work and I also went back to collage (part time).  Since I have been drawn into this "other world" I will go visit, I am aiming for late in 2009.  I have been married twice and divorced the same.  The reason I asked about her son is I lost custody of my youngest and the last thing I want to do is take a kid away from their parent.  I just didn't know how that sort of thing worked over there.  I have to wait for my Russian class's until the fall so I am trying to get some personal/private lessons from one of the members of RWD (her name escapes me at the moment) it would be nice to talk with some ladies in there native tongue on the phone and to have the ability to speak intelligently when I visit.  She has never said anything about an illness and she never did ask for the gifts.  I made the offer......that was of course before I started reading RWD.

I have a question for you MISHENKA.  Is it possible I could use your friend to deliever some flowers for me and get a photo of it?  I would be willing to pay for the delivery or if you know of any place that does this could you let me know?  If I use the web site to do this it cost something like $200-300 USD thats just to much for flowers.

I did goggle the address and ended up getting a Aeriel photo of what looks like downtown Odessa so I think the address is good but you never know!

Thanks

[possum]

http://azamatreport.blogspot.com/2007/09/100-mikhail-zadornov.html

So he makes one joke about Putin every two years, and I have to believe he's an impartial comedian?. Come on, Olga.. The guy is a Kremlin stooge and he knows he owes everything to the anti-American sentiment propagated by the Kremlin..

[Shadow]

So he makes one joke about Putin every two years, and I have to believe he's an impartial comedian?. Come on, Olga.. The guy is a Kremlin stooge and he knows he owes everything to the anti-American sentiment propagated by the Kremlin..

You forget that humour is the ultimate form of flattery.