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Author Topic: How to proceed?  (Read 24319 times)

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Offline Karl Hungus

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How to proceed?
« on: May 24, 2015, 11:59:19 AM »
Here's my situation - and if this is all boilerplate stuff that's been addresses here a thousand times before, I apologize . . .

Last August, I met a young Russian woman who has lived here in Florida for the past three years.  At the time we met, she lived about an hour and a half south me me.  She has kids, is divorced, and is here on a visa (what sort, I do not know; I just know she can't legally work).  We've dated for about 8 months now.  As for her immigration status, all I can tell you is that it's "in the works," so to speak, and that she's been filling out documents and shelling out bucks toward that for a little while now.  Her father and sister are already citizens.

I do love this girl - she's beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, a wonderful mother to some wonderful kids, and has never for a moment led me to believe that she's insincere.  She even left her beachfront condo to move to a crappish apartment in my city to be near me.  We had a falling out in February because I wasn't ready for her and the kids to move in with me and my daughter.  We reconnected last month, and have been talking about moving in together.     

She tells me quite candidly that she wants to get married, soon.  But I have some friends and family (who haven't met her) cautioning me that she might be in it only for the green card, rather than to build a life with me, and that once she has that, I'll be left twisting in the wind.   

When it comes to relationships, I tend to proceed with an abundance of caution, simply out of a sense of self-preservation.  Like anyone else, I've been burned before.  But what scares me most is, years from now, looking back and realizing I missed out on something wonderful, all because I was afraid to take a chance.

I desperately need some insight from some of you folks who may have been down this road before.  I realize there's no way for any of you to know whether or not she's being sincere, but maybe you can tell me, from experience, what I should be looking for, for how your similar situation turned out, and what I might do to protect myself.

Any insights, experiences, advice, etc. is deeply appreciated.

Offline Boethius

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2015, 12:03:14 PM »
How old is your daughter?
 
Last August as in August 2014?
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Karl Hungus

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2015, 12:07:25 PM »
My daughter is 13.  And yes, August of 2014.

Offline Boethius

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2015, 12:11:05 PM »
I think you have to put your daughter first, and her life, and how she interacts with this woman should be paramount.
 
Eight months is not a long time to be with someone before making a commitment to a longer term relationship when children are involved.  If neither of you had children, I would say do what you want.
 
The fact you have any trepidation suggests to me you are not ready to make that leap.  The RW should not be either, if she has children. 
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Boethius

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2015, 12:12:48 PM »
PS - The fact the woman is Russian is irrelevant. 
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline fathertime

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2015, 12:34:51 PM »
How does the lady get along with your daughter? Is your former wife in the picture?   Can you just leave things as they are for now?  Why is it important to get married immediately?   How old are her children?   


Based on the limited information you have provided thus far, and knowing what I know now, I would proceed with extreme caution.  I don't see why there is a hurry to get married.  Your daughter will be growing up a lot in the next few years.  The timing of this relationship may be very impactful on her, so keep that aspect in the fore. 


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Offline Karl Hungus

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2015, 12:41:30 PM »
To be honest, my daughter is not happy with my relationship with this woman.  Tatiana has bent over backwards to be open and loving and accommodating, but my daughter really hasn't opened up to her at all.  She has a close relationship with her mom, but she's lived with me since she was a toddler; it's essentially been her and me for a decade now.  She feels threatened not only by Tatiana, but by her kids as well.  It's definitely an encroachment issue, that's for sure.  She tells me I need to be with her, but that's because she's loving and selfless child who simply wants to see her dad happy; deep down I know she's terrified at the prospect of sharing me.

Offline fathertime

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2015, 12:47:29 PM »
To be honest, my daughter is not happy with my relationship with this woman.  Tatiana has bent over backwards to be open and loving and accommodating, but my daughter really hasn't opened up to her at all.  She has a close relationship with her mom, but she's lived with me since she was a toddler; it's essentially been her and me for a decade now.  She feels threatened not only by Tatiana, but by her kids as well.  It's definitely an encroachment issue, that's for sure.  She tells me I need to be with her, but that's because she's loving and selfless child who simply wants to see her dad happy; deep down I know she's terrified at the prospect of sharing me.


Based on this latest information, I would NOT take the relationship to another level.  If you like/love the gal, as it appears you do, I would probably continue to 'date' her and let everything play out further before proceeding.  It would not be hard for you to alienate/lose your daughter over this if you rush things.  The Russian lady should understand that your daughter is your 1st priority for now, if she doesn't get that, then I would consider breaking thing off.  If she does get your daughter is 1st priority, she should also realize that you are doing what is right for you, and she can continue to enjoy the relationship that you have currently.


My 2 cents.


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Offline jone

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2015, 12:53:03 PM »
Karl,

Let me congratulate you on raising your daughter.  It is no easy thing to do.  It is very possible that by waiting, you will lose your lovely Russian bride.  But it is the right thing to do based on what you have told us.

We don't get free passes when it comes to our children.  They come first.

Should you continue, the many possible outcomes for the relationship with your girlfriend will very likely determine your daughter's future happiness.

By the simple fact that you are here and asking for input demonstrates that you are torn.  But I tell you, from personal experience, that if you wait a couple of years until your daughter can have a life of her own, that you will reap many unforeseen benefits.
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Brasscasing

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2015, 02:16:04 PM »
Last August, I met a young Russian woman who has lived here in Florida for the past three years.  At the time we met, she lived about an hour and a half south me me.  She has kids, is divorced, and is here on a visa (what sort, I do not know; I just know she can't legally work).  We've dated for about 8 months now.  As for her immigration status, all I can tell you is that it's "in the works," so to speak, and that she's been filling out documents and shelling out bucks toward that for a little while now.  Her father and sister are already citizens....

Karl, you've been dating eight months, she moved to your city to be closer to you, you're talking about cohabitating and marriage and yet you know woefully little about the details of her immigration status or what stage it's at...

I'd determine what visa she is currently in the US on and it's expiration (you may be worrying over nothing at this point or your concern may well be valid).

What are the circumstances of her arrival in the US in the first place?

Have you met her father and sister?

When you say divorced was that divorced from someone in the FSU, a citizen of another country or the US?

I'm not a US citizen so I may be off base here but it would seem to me if she's already going through the immigration process wouldn't a change in (marital) status mid process complicate the application, not simplify it?

Brass

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Offline jone

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2015, 02:50:36 PM »
Karl, you've been dating eight months, she moved to your city to be closer to you, you're talking about cohabitating and marriage and yet you know woefully little about the details of her immigration status or what stage it's at...

I'd determine what visa she is currently in the US on and it's expiration (you may be worrying over nothing at this point or your concern may well be valid).

What are the circumstances of her arrival in the US in the first place?

Have you met her father and sister?

When you say divorced was that divorced from someone in the FSU, a citizen of another country or the US?

I'm not a US citizen so I may be off base here but it would seem to me if she's already going through the immigration process wouldn't a change in (marital) status mid process complicate the application, not simplify it?

Brass

Pretty good points.  I could not believe he did not know her visa status.    Those would be questions I would ask.   Every FSUW knows what type of visa she arrived in the States on.    To not know is tantamount to inviting disaster.  Especially if she has kids.

If she had the children with an American citizen, the children have United States Citizenship and can stay in the country (in most circumstances).

But, imagine if your son came to you and told you of his love for a Russian woman who is having difficulty with her visa status here in the US.  While you would be supportive, you would ask the same questions that Brass just asked.  And, lacking answers, it would be very difficult for such parents to lend their support.
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Karl Hungus

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2015, 03:39:36 PM »
I don't know her status because having never dated a woman who wasn't at least a permanent resident, it's not something I ever thought to worry about.  Now, given the circumstances of our relationship and the quandary I find myself in, her status is clearly relevant.   

She was married for 10 years to a husband who lives in Russia and has no status in the US.  Her children are from that marriage.


Offline Patagonie

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2015, 03:50:34 PM »
I don't know her status because having never dated a woman who wasn't at least a permanent resident, it's not something I ever thought to worry about.  Now, given the circumstances of our relationship and the quandary I find myself in, her status is clearly relevant.   

She was married for 10 years to a husband who lives in Russia and has no status in the US.  Her children are from that marriage.
i would say, like Brass, that this story of visa is the key.
You have to do your work, and get any information to understand how does it works.
If the only way for her to solve her problem of immigration is to get married you have your answer.
As she is in the US you don't have to marry her. I wouldn't marry a local whatever her nationality. I would avoid a marriage with a local anytime.

She has to find a way to solve her problem, you can help her, but to marry you shouldn't be the solution.

About your daughter the US and European position  is to focus on your daughter. I have an other position, if it is worthy, children don't have to get the highest priority, the same perhaps but not the highest. That's my position.

But really you must understand the complete understanding and full informations about this story of visa and her status in the US. That's the key.
"Je glissais through the paper wall, an angel in the hand, s taboy. I lay on the floor, surgi des chants de Maldoror, je mix l'intégrale de mes nuits de crystal, i belong to the festival.

Online 2tallbill

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How to proceed?
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2015, 03:57:36 PM »
To be honest, my daughter is not happy with my relationship with this woman.

NOTE: Take my advice with a grain of salt.

My advice is to take your daughter out for a Father/Daughter day. Get up and do all
kinds of things all day together, ending with just you and her together for dinner.

Then ask her if she would be happy if you dumped the woman and dated some other
woman from E Harmony. I think you will find that she doesn't want you to date anyone.
(except possibly her mother) because she wants you for herself right now.

You need to get your daughter to buy in to the idea that you will be dating women but
that she is still the most important part of your life and that she can veto a woman but
she should try to consider your happiness (and loneliness).   

Your daughter might surprise you.

Udachi!


Bill
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Boethius

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2015, 04:03:23 PM »
Teenaged girls are very difficult.  Emotional roller coasters.  I say that as a mother from an intact, stable, and happy marriage with three teens.
 
Wait until she is 16, at a minimum.  Adult is even better.  You won't regret it.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline Karl Hungus

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2015, 04:20:14 PM »
@2tallbill:  My daughter is very mature and very considerate of my feelings, my happiness.  She is not happy about the idea of a blended family, this much is clear.  Still, she's given me the green light, because she loves me and wants to see me happy.  But, she'll still a child, and as such, she's not in a position to make such a weighty decision, even a selfless one like this.  She's a happy, healthy, responsible, mature, confident young lady (better than I deserve, considering what a hellion I was at that age lol), and I know that even though she's telling me, it's OK, it's going to have a *huge* impact on her life.  I guess what I'm saying is that she doesn't get veto power over my relationships, but at the same time, just because she's given me her blessing doesn't mean that *I* have the right to so thoroughly disrupt her life.

@Boethius:  Waiting till she's 16 is something I've considered.  She'll be a licensed driver at that point with a car of her own.  A drastic change like this is a lot easier on a teenager when she has more latitude to come and go as she pleases!  :-)


Offline jone

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2015, 04:33:51 PM »
Okay,

The HUSBAND IN RUSSIA has control over whether those kids stay in the States.  Unless he has already approved it, which I would doubt as she is attempting to change her status, she needs to get his permission to live in Florida permanently.

Someone please correct me if I am wrong.   
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline calmissile

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2015, 06:26:16 PM »
Based upon the very limited information on the G/F here is what I would surmise.

1.  The fact that she had been in the US for 3 years and cannot work (presumably because of her visa status) it can mean that she never applied for a work authorization and was her legally, or her visa expired long ago and she cannot get a work authorization because she is out of status (illegally here).

2.  It is not necessarily the end of the world however.  We have at least one member that was out of status for several years and applied for a green card and it was granted.  She has since become a US citizen as well.  If she has applied for a green card, even though out of status, she may get lucky and get it granted.  Among other things,  immigration will want to make sure she will not be collecting public benefits and can make a living on her own since she is not married now.

3.  It is not clear to me how she has money to live on but does not work.

4.  If her husband in Russia has never been in the USA, then I would assume she must have come on a Tourist Visa.  If that is the case, she is probably trying to establish status now by immigrating.  If this is the case, there is good reason to be suspicious about her motives as your friends informed you.   Being married in the US to a US citizen will make her immigration immensely easier.  If she had gotten married prior to her visa expiring, it would have been relatively easy for her to have immigrated then.

5.  I would suggest that it is very important for you to determine her history and visa status during the 3 years she has been here.

6.  The questions about the children immigrating are difficult to nail down.  I don' t know anything about immigrating from Russia,  as our experience is with Ukraine.  Initially, earlier I was planning on doing a K-1/K-3 for a fiance with a child.  The US embassy required proof that the child was allowed to emigrate to the US.  The 'proof' was part of the paperwork in preparation for the interview at the US Embassy.   It was my understanding that the 'permission' documents were verified prior to or at the interview.

7.  Either the laws changed for US immigration, or by us changing to an Adjustment of Status resulted in a completely different procedure.  First of all, we ended up getting married in Ukraine.  The obstacle was for my wifes daughter to get a tourist visa to visit the USA and come to visit with her mother.  Getting the tourist visa was not easy.  The tourist visa requires that the child have a Ukraine International Passport.  Once she   did, the US seemed to have no interest in any more proof that she could leave the country or any additional proof of parental permission.

The kicker was on the Ukrainian side.  Ukraine will not issue an International Passport to a child without consent of the both parents or a court order that removes this constraint.  Once the international passport was granted, there were no more questions from US authorities or Ukraine authorities.

8.  I know of one case of a Ukraine woman married to an American that had overstayed her visa a couple years and got caught.  She was deported back to Ukraine with their child while the husband stayed in America and was working to pay off the fines, etc.

9.  Finding out the details of her visa status is probably the most important thing to do now and verify the information.  This will give you the information you need to analyze her motives for wanting to get married so quickly.

10.  As far as the problems with your daughter accepting your G/F, don't feel bad.  I went through the same thing.  My daughter screwed up some very nice relationships with women that would have made wonderful wives and step-mothers.  My logic at the time was that your child should not prevent you from moving on and having a life.  Unfortunately, it was probably a mistake.  As hard as it is, I would suggest to not do what I did, and instead take the advice given by others to put it off a few years.

Good luck!
Doug (Calmissile)

Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2015, 06:45:13 PM »
First -  :welcome: Karl!  I hope you are able to distil the information given here into something which suits your situation.

While I don't have any children myself, so can't comment on your daughter's attitude from a parent's point of view, I CAN comment on it from a child's point of view because I went through the same thing.  My parents split up when I was five and, although I saw my father regularly (as a "Sunday daddy" every couple of weeks), I was brought up solely by my mother.  Although she had a couple of reasonably long-term boyfriends, I never considered them good enough for her (possibly to my shame, as one of them was a very nice guy - the other, not so much, although he never did anything majorly wrong), and I, too, was worried that I might lose her.

I have occasionally wondered over the years how my life might have turned out had she married either of these men.  Your daughter may well be wondering the same thing, but I would hope that your description of "terrified" is an exaggeration.  If you really have the relationship which you have described, I don't think that she would be so insecure as to imagine that you would abandon her.

Your girlfriend, on the other hand, seems to be an interesting case.  You say that she has lived in the USA for three years already, and has children with her.  How did she arrive?  Surely she didn't just up stakes from Russia, with small children, and decide that life in Florida would be far superior to living in Moscow (or wherever).  What did she use for money at that time?  Did she come over as (for want of a better term) a "Mail Order Bride," in a relationship which subsequently fell apart?  Your description of her having a condo suggests that she has money of her own - does she come from a rich family, or did she have a really well-paying job in Russia?

You don't have to answer these questions publicly - I'm just throwing them out as suggestions for you to ask yourself (and her, if you don't already know the answers).  I'm sure there are other things that members here would add to the list.

Above all else, it's YOUR life, not ours.  Although you may wish to consider some of the input from the board, the final decision obviously rests with you.  Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

Offline BillyB

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2015, 11:39:41 PM »

Welcome to the forum Karl,


You've known the lady for 8 months yet you hope to get the insight of people who doesn't know her. You should know what you need to know in 8 months easy. Move forward or move on. FSU women love men who can make a decision. She broke up with you once. If you can't make a decision, another breakup is inevitable. You've said many wonderful things about her. Can you find another woman that is all that or more?


You say she's never led you to believe she's insincere but you question her immigration status. Her parents and sister are American citizens. She doesn't need you to get a green card. Her family can sponsor her.


As far as children goes, I believe it's best when children grow up with two loving parents instead of one. The key word is "loving". You mention the lady is a wonderful mother. How is she with your daughter?


I don't see a problem with your lady if your analysis of her is correct.
Fund the audits, spread the word and educate people, write your politicians and other elected officials. Stay active in the fight to save our country. Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776.

Offline Patagonie

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #20 on: May 25, 2015, 01:54:39 AM »
As Calmissile wrote and better than i did:
9.  Finding out the details of her visa status is probably the most important thing to do now and verify the information.  This will give you the information you need to analyze her motives for wanting to get married so quickly.

And you need to hurry up guy,

because there are three options

1/ Her motivation is not genuine and her request comes not from love but to solve a personal problem. Bad. Knowing the high capacity of men to mislead themselves and the capacity of women to fake or hide their motives i would not rely on the positive qualities you give her.

2/ You consider that you are not marriage material for personal reasons whatever the situation is. So it's time to tell her upfront. She stays or she leaves, it's time to find that you have two.

3/ As Billy said, FSU women are waiting men ready to make action. So if her request of marriage has nothing to do with her situation but comes from a loving woman showing amazing qualities that you never met before (compare to the locals you met, that is generally the case) it is time to consider that moving or not moving your asscould have two consequences : you will marry her or she will leave you.

It's really really time to look at you in a mirror ans ask yourself:
What i want?
Who i want?
Who am I?

I write this because in your post you look like  the general flow of men who are indecisive about women and wait that things find their road naturally. Lets me tell you this type of men make FSU women rejecting them in the short, middle or long term of a relationship. That's a cultural difference you are not aware.
"Je glissais through the paper wall, an angel in the hand, s taboy. I lay on the floor, surgi des chants de Maldoror, je mix l'intégrale de mes nuits de crystal, i belong to the festival.

Online Faux Pas

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #21 on: May 25, 2015, 07:54:25 AM »
The lady is already in the country so, she doesn't need you for a greencard. There is a high probability that she will get one with you or without you. She's here either on a visitor or a work visa and all she needs to do is overstay it and apply for residency. She'll probably get it.

You have to decide and proceed with this lady or not, based on your feelings for the woman and whether or not you believe you can make this extended family work.

Good luck

Offline jone

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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2015, 07:55:18 AM »
How can she be here on a work visa if she is not allowed to work???
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline alex330

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  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2015, 08:11:21 AM »
The lady is already in the country so, she doesn't need you for a greencard. There is a high probability that she will get one with you or without you. She's here either on a visitor or a work visa and all she needs to do is overstay it and apply for residency. She'll probably get it.

Correct, especially here in the State of Florida. They push everyone through.

Online Faux Pas

  • Hero Member
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  • Posts: 10232
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  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
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Re: How to proceed?
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2015, 08:25:37 AM »
How can she be here on a work visa if she is not allowed to work???

It's expired? It doesn't matter in any event. Not germane to the discussion. The OP had concerns on her intentions considering what others have filled his head with. She doesn't need him for a GC so, he can forget that one. If she is in-country, she can get in status and he doesn't have any control over that
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 08:32:01 AM by Faux Pas »

 

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