Time for some Humor!!

[catzenmouse]

Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address...

[2tallbill]

Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address...

She also sends me these sweet little stories.......

A sweet little story.............

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.

Since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint, and were Jewish,” she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a valentine to?

Osama Bin Laden she says.

Why Osama Bin Laden? her father asks in shock.

Well, she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe were not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love everyone a lot. And then he would start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.

I know, Melissa says, and once that we get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker.

--Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[2tallbill]

Dan posted this in another section, I somehow messed up the link

Quote
Unbeknownst to most Americans, there is a unique bra that only foreign women can wear, only when they come into contact with American men. It is called the immigration bra, or ImBra, and it is available free of charge from an exclusive source: the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) of the US Department of Homeland Security.

The ImBra is a pernicious, illegal support garment with a unique, dual-purpose design: it lifts the status of foreigners above that of Americans, and it creates deep cleavage between American men and their civil rights. When an American man examines the ImBra, he will question everything he ever believed about the greatness and legitimacy of the US Constitution, and the government that supposedly adheres to its precepts.

For the full article, click here -- http://thenononsenseman.m...07/05/13/unhook-that-bra/

- Dan

[2tallbill]

Here are a couple of Russian jokes translated to English.
Most didn't translate well, I am listing my favorite of the bunch.

Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day?
Nothing. I'm a volunteer.


At a football match one of the fans asks a boy:
Where did you get money for such an expensive ticket?
My father bought it
Why didn't he come with you?
He is at home. Looking for the ticket...




It is well-known that 20% of people do so much work as other 80%. However, it is not so well-known that 80% of people think that they belong to these 20%.




One farmer asks another:
- How come you cow gives 100 liters a day?
- You should be kind and tender with your cow. In the morning I come to my cow and ask her: "What do we have for today: milk or beef?"


A young man went to work for the police department. Everything seems to be ok, except for one thing - he never asked for his salary after over three months of work. When the head of the department asked him why didn't he pick up his salary check, he said:

- Wow! Didn't know you pay a salary here. I thought, you gave me the gun and the rest is up to me.


- My father says that it is better 'to give' that 'to get'.
- Is your father a priest?
- No, he is a boxer.



Knock at the door. The husband opens the door and sees his neighbor with a sheet of paper. The neighbor asks:
- Do you want to take part in a group sex?
- Well... who else takes part?
The neighbor looks at the list and says:
- Me, your wife and you.
- No way!
- Ok. Then I will cross your name out.



- Why is your baby screaming so loud? Maybe it wants something...
- Yeah! It wants to scream!!!



If you are afraid of putting on weight, you should drink a glass of vodka before the meal. Vodka dulls the fear.

[2tallbill]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[2tallbill]

Cell phone camera bandit busted...........

[2tallbill]

I was wondering when they would get around to opening one..........

[2tallbill]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" I am sorry if I disturbed you,"

She replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

"The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking Anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

[Shadow]

From the Russian Show KVN:

Vladimir Putin:

I went to India recently.
Let me tell you the Kama Sutra is nothing.
At least when you compare it to the Russian Constitution.

[2tallbill]

  A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their 
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would 
transfer a portion of the mother ' s labor pain to the baby ' s father.
                          He asked if they were willing to try it 
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain 
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably 
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to

    go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the 
machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine. The 
doctor checked the husband ' s blood pressure and was amazed at how 
well he was

    doing.

    At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued   
to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out 
the

    wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer 
ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and   
her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[2tallbill]

Beer holders

[2tallbill]

Guns don't kill people.........

[2tallbill]

doggie style.......

[2tallbill]

beer.........

[Shadow]

Beer holders

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ?

[2tallbill]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

[2tallbill]

 "Circumcised"

 A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
 squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

 She went back to find out what was going on.
 He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
 circumcised and he was quite itchy.

 The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
 He did and returned to his class.
 Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

 She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
 desk with his "private part" hanging out.

 "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

 "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
 till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school

[2tallbill]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2tallbill]

Obviously........

[2tallbill]

An 8-year-old and a 6-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 8-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 6-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 8-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 6-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[acrzybear]

 

[2tallbill]

Anger management...........

[2tallbill]

First Woman on the moon...........

this will not make sense to youngsters............

[2tallbill]

Porn for the blind.........

[2tallbill]

One small problem?