Getting Over The Hurdles - The First Year of Marriage

[catzenmouse]

Chuck,

 Thanks for the words of wisdom. I will encourage her to continue to build these relationships. Calling the husband is a good idea, and yes I agree that there are no short calls with the ladies get going! ;o)

 I do think I will give her a week or two to let her feelings settle down a bit. When she gets worked up about something there is no use me trying to argue about it with her as many of you probably find to be true. But when she lets it go a little she has understood what I was trying to say to her and she does appreciate it. I love the way she says "Thank you for the caring about me".

Ken

[catzenmouse]

Ken,

I know my fiancee and future wife will be going through the same thing when she arrives here this fall. I try hard, but find it almost impossible to even begin to know how she will feel or react when she gets here. I know it will be difficult for her just like it has been for your wife. So your experience is a big help to me as is the experience of everyone who has gone through this. Thanks for posting what you are experiencing.

Wxman,

 I know that all the lessons learned from others has helped me out a lot in this whole thing. I still don't know half of how difficult it is for Elena. I try to understand as much as I can and just listen to her. I think the worst thing for her is when she feels ignored like when we are watching something on TV (and I can zone with the best of them) and she will say something to me and I don't hear it. She does not get mad but I do hear about it later...;o)

 I've had to bite my tongue a few times and have truly learned a new level of patience. If there is one thing that we need above all else it is to learn real patience. No matter what we read or hear about other experiences I don't think any of us can be fully prepared for the reality of the situation.

Ken

[chuckinwdc]

Ken, they are very special women, that's for sure. When Veronica runs down the stairs and jumps into my arms with happiness when I come home from work, it really warms my heart.

Chuck in D.C.

[catzenmouse]

Ken, they are very special women, that's for sure. When Veronica runs down the stairs and jumps into my arms with happiness when I come home from work, it really warms my heart.

Chuck in D.C.

It is truly amazing how the love of these women brings a new wonder into our worlds. When I leave in the morning and Elena walks me to the door and kisses me goodbye it makes my whole day bright.

No matter what troubles we may go through or how hard it can seem to be sometimes, I know every momemt that I am the luckiest man in the world to have found her and I treasure every touch, every look, every second with my little Siberian beauty!

Ken

[MandM]

Oh,  guys you are so sweet! I think your ladies are very lucky too - to have husbands who care for them and appreciate them like you do!

Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love)

[chuckinwdc]

[user=300]M&M[/user] wrote:

Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love)

Well, you know how men are babies when it comes to getting sick. We like to be taken care of, and the one time I've been sick in the past year, my wife did a wonderful job of taking care of me.

(In contrast to when I was married to an AW, who gave me zero sympathy, and implied I was a slacker for being sick.)

It almost makes me want to be sick more often!

Chuck in D.C.

[catzenmouse]

[user=300]M&M[/user] wrote:

Oh,  guys you are so sweet! I think your ladies are very lucky too - to have husbands who care for them and appreciate them like you do!

Last night my man was feeling sick and I spent the whole night fussing around him. He said that nobody ever looked after him so well. It made me feel great. Why can't he get ill more often so I can show him how much I love him? (only kidding - I have hundreds of other ways to show my love)

Thank you M&M. Elena and I are just getting to know Chuck and Veronica but after we had spent some time in their company Elena told me that she could see how much Chuck loved Veroinca just by the way he looked at her.

Ken

[chuckinwdc]

Elena and I are just getting to know Chuck and Veronica but after we had spent some time in their company Elena told me that she could see how much Chuck loved Veroinca just by the way he looked at her.

Thanks Ken. That's sweet of you to say. I am crazy in love with Veronica, that's true -- and it's clear to all that you are head over heels in love with Elena, Ken.

That's one of the things I've noticed you do well. You're quite vocal about how much you love Elena. To bring this thread sorta back on topic, that's one thing I've found that is very, very important with RW (well, I've found it to be true with my RW and other guys have told me it's true with theirs).

RW tend to like to feel special and to know they are loved by their man. During the first half of my first year, we were having some rough spots. Upon MUZH's recommendation, I began being (what seemed to me) way over the top with effusive expressions of love and desire.

Actually, it worked. Our relationship became better and we were happier together.

It seems to be an important part of a successful marriage to a Russian woman.

Chuck in D.C.

[MandM]

That's so great that you guys are so much in love with your wives!  I am very happy for you all!:D

Chuck, you are right, I think we are emotionally hard maintenance. We want our men to show us how much we are loved - with words, flowers, and actions...

I remember when my mum first met Mark I asked her whether she liked him and she said 'I loved him because of the way he looks at you, his eyes are full of love....'

BTW,while typing this, M&M has gradually melted into little happy puddle on her desk....

[jb]

It doesn't take much.

This morning it was raining hard, Etna needed to go to the college, her car was parked in a puddle of water  which would require getting her feet wet if she could get in the car.

I went out, wearing shorts and barefoot, and moved the car up to the door, backing and turning about, so she didn't need to wet her feet.  As she got in the car she remarked, "No man has ever done such for me", I replied: "No man has ever loved you so much".  

She left with a big smile on her face.

As the magician said, "It's all in the wrist"

[catzenmouse]

It doesn't take much.

This morning it was raining hard, Etna needed to go to the college, her car was parked in a puddle of water which would require getting her feet wet if she could get in the car.

I went out, wearing shorts and barefoot, and moved the car up to the door, backing and turning about, so she didn't need to wet her feet. As she got in the car she remarked, "No man has ever done such for me", I replied: "No man has ever loved you so much".

She left with a big smile on her face.

As the magician said, "It's all in the wrist"

From the success stories that I have seen in the FSUW/WM adventure the central factor in all of them is the genuine soul deep love between the couple. I agree that it doesn't take much as far as doing these type of things but isn't that also the everything?

P.S. M&M - You make an awfully cute little puddle...;o)

Ken

[catzenmouse]

Something I've noticed from the start with Elena is her amazement with and total lack of understanding for the religous practices and beliefs here in the US. I can't say that I blame her as most of what we have seen so far is people who will start to be her friend but really only want to get her involved with their church but when she tells them she is not interested they either fade away or only contact her sporatically. There have been some who do not behave that way but they are the exception.

She says that the church here is not real church but only an excuse to socialize. Any one else have similar experiences?

Ken

[BC]

The missing 'depth' of history is a part of the culture shock in a very young country. Even I feel this when I visit the US every now and then. 'Real' churches are at least a couple hundred years old and very ornate.  The modern churches just don't fit the picture.

My wife just shakes her head when some of the 'singing and fainting' 'modern ministries' are shown sunday morning on satellite TV (yes we get some of those US programs here in EU land too)

[anono]

i'm reading this thread because i see this looming on the horizon.. 

only comment i can make now is, why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW? they are shallow, only interested in what they can get, probably will try and sabotage the relationship..  my two sisters and mother will be fine, but AW in general?  i think any lady i bring home will quickly understand why i looked in ukraine for a wife.

[catzenmouse]

i'm reading this thread because i see this looming on the horizon.. 

only comment i can make now is, why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW? they are shallow, only interested in what they can get, probably will try and sabotage the relationship..  my two sisters and mother will be fine, but AW in general?  i think any lady i bring home will quickly understand why i looked in ukraine for a wife.

 I'm not saying that I want her to be buddy-buddy with any AW here just like I don't want her to be buddy-buddy with just any RW here. She does need to get experience dealing with people in general and it is good to have a few people around that she can have tea with or let the kids play together.

 "why would anyone want their FSU lady wanting to get to know any AW" is one of those statements like all "RW are scammers" or "All Southerner's are rednecks". They just don't pan out in the details with individuals. Elena has a very good head on her shoulders and sees people for who they are.

[anono]

 Elena has a very good head on her shoulders and sees people for who they are.

that will help...

i do at times gerneralize too much. if a lady from the FSU has a good head on her shoulders, and most do, they will be able to sort out the good from the bad, just as we do..

[BC]

Actually better than we do anono.. they seem to be able to see right through the 'fluff' and detect true substance very quickly.

[wxman]

Anno,

Do you have any AW as friends that you can trust? I'm pretty much in the same boat and have couple of close friends whose wives I can trust. My fiancee also has a good shoulder on her head, but when people move to another country, sometimes they make friends for the wrong reasons. They feel alone and sometimes they make friends with people who just seem nice. In their own country, in their own surroundings, they would see through these people. But in an effort to become part of the community in their new country, they may make decisions they normally would not make. I know just how critical my involvement will be during the transistion. I don't want to be overbearing or controlling, but we understand the "sharks" better in our own country.

 

[anono]

there are a few female family friends..  in general, most AW are unhappy with life and seem to be eager to try and ruin it for everyone else. it might just be the area i live in, i am not sure what the problem is.

there are good AW, just not many that are single and available.

[catzenmouse]

there are a few female family friends..  in general, most AW are unhappy with life and seem to be eager to try and ruin it for everyone else. it might just be the area i live in, i am not sure what the problem is.

there are good AW, just not many that are single and available.

I think this is one of the main things we have all found about AW. I've had girlfriends from many different backgrounds (ethnic and financial) and one character that flowed through them all in differing amounts was a basic unhappiness with themselves and life in general. Some tried to manipulate every situation and purpose looking for something they will never find because it comes from the inside.

The first thing that attracted me to Elena was the genuine person that she is. No pretending, no games, no Melrose Place attitudes or behaviors. She likes or she doesn't like as she sees it. She told me awhile ago that sometimes she misses good old Russian rudeness. Americans are always too polite and fake happy.

Ken 

[Photo Guy]

Hey, be sure to introduce her to those friends who are direct and
not superficial. In my case, that's most of my friends and family.
I remember once telling my parents that I was thinking of removing a wall in a house I had just purchased. My mom said, 'What?! ..You are going to perform an abortion on your house!!'  
..Do not hold back, Mom.  

[GregfromGa]

My wife has been here a year and a half. The 1st few months were tough. She missed her mama and sister very much.  There would be times we would fight about little things that shouldnt matter,but it was a big deal to her. She was young and in a strange land. I remember telling friends I was ready for her to carry her ass back to Ukraine,but we weathered the storm. She was able to walk into her own business and she has dome remarkable with it. She stays so busy. We were able to go back to Ukraine 9 months after she arrived,then we went back in 6 after that.  She calls home to her sister and mother almost every freaking day,but thats alright. She helps them out not because they ask or want her to,but because she can and she wants to.  Anyone that thinks this marriage thing is just a walk in the park has got another thing coming when they jump into it. The girl you meet there will be a little different once she arrives and has been here for a week or two. Now I got lucky because i married a great girl. Her mother is actually staying with us for 3 months now until Sept. It's a small price to pay,but it aint bad. She helps Katy in her shop and things are going great. We're going to do Washington DC, a cruise to somewhere warm and probably Vegas,but not because I gamble. My life is good. I got lucky. I try to help everyone thats trying this route because people helped me.

[NDOC]

Let's see... the best and worst moves I made.

Worst:

Stopping at Taco Bell on the way home from the airport.  She said she was hungry so I stopped in to get her a taco.  Poor thing had no idea how to eat it with a knife and fork, and when she got the hang of it, it was too spicy. 

I quickly learned food is a big issue right away.  She was blown away by the supermarkets, but quickly got the hang of it and was throwing expensive fish in the basket in no time.  My advice is to get one cook book from her county and make a list of ingredients and have them on hand.  Also, don't turn up your nose at what comes out of that kitchen.  She fed me brains for our first meal together and I still have a hard time with some of the salads she makes as I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  Smile and remind yourself that everything tastes like chicken.  She nagged the local supermarket for a year  to  stock carp in the fish section to no avail.  Finding the nearest Russian market, even if it's in the next state, is a real life-saver.  I was traveling to Sacramento every two weeks to take her to the Russian market there and it was well worth it. 

Second mistake was leaving her at home alone for any period of time.  It's a good time for relatives to visit, go on side trips, take her shopping, have welcoming parties, and anything else you can think up to fill up her days and make her feel less lonely.  One of the best moves I made was making her take a part time job at the jewelry counter at the mall.  She hated it, but she met every othe russian girl in town and they are all still friends years later.  If you can make contact with the russian community before she comes, so much the better.  We were spending our evenings hosting diner parties for russian girls she had me at the shop earlier in the day.  If she feels that you've dumped her at home, without a car, and with nothing to do, you've had it.

The best...

Make her your hobby for the first two years.  She might say that she's independent and not clingy but you're her whole universe until she gets established.  I signed Natalie up for classes at the community college and drove her there every night.  Hit everything at the cinema and even if she doesn't catch everything they are saying, she will appreciate the effort.  Get her teeth fixed and any medical needs taken care of right away.  Find an internet phone service and get her mom email so they can talk every day without you taking out a second mortgage.  Pretty soon you're the "golden" husband.  When you hear this, you're over the hump.

The downside to this strategy is weening her from all the attention.  Eventually, you're going to want to get back to some of your other interests.  I'm still working on this one myself and it hasn't been easy.  But I've found that once she builds a circle of friends (especially other russian girls) she's more interested in chatting with them on her cell phone and you'll get a break.

Just my 2 cents.

[NDOC]

Just to add to my previous thoughts...you're first fight is going to be interesting so be prepared.  I can't speak for all RWs but my wife was uncomfortable having an agrument in English.  Instead, she got really passive/aggressive as a signal she wasn't pleased with what was going on.  I had no clue what the problem was a first, she just wouldn't get out of bed.  Then, she left her clothes all over the house at night, then it was the dirty dishes everywhere.  Finally, I got the clue and we had a sit down conversation.  The problem was that she was used to going to bed at 8:30pm or 9:00pm every night and I was staying up to my customary 11:00pm.  But rather than talking it through, she started acting out in other areas.  Among the other AM/RW marriages in our area, the first fight was signaled by a coffee cup flying through the shower curtain, the garbage can tipped over in the kitchen, wet laundry, and other kinds of acting out.  I'd probably do the same thing if I thought I had to win an argument in Russian. 

[catzenmouse]

Well we're just a couple of weeks short of Elena being here for a year. She has made great strides in all aspects of the cultural shock/changes that she has gone through. She is still hesitant in many ways about her English abilities but she is much better than she believes. She's been working for a couple of months now in the fabric store and they have told her and me that she is a great employee and they enjoy having her around. She worked briefly at a grocery store but gave that up as they did not work with her on her schedule at the fabric store and would only schedule her for about 10 hours a week. Just wasn't worth the trouble.

 She's been taking driving lessons but still has a distinct fear of the car, traffic, and driving in general so I don't know if she will get past this or not. We've driven around a bit in parking lots, etc. so I've seen how she drives in a controlled environment and I'm doubtful that she will ever be comfortable driving. If she doesn't get it I am fine with that and we've talked about this on several occasions. I look at it like this: if she drives we will need another car, insurance, gas, etc. and she will be spending most of her paycheck on that and not on what she wants and her work is only a couple of miles down the road so the bus would work for the times that its raining/snowing and I am at work and cannot pick her up. She really feels bad about this situation and tells me she is a big burden on me.

 We haven't had a fight but I know when she's mad at me with the silence (which has been very rare (or very rarely as she would say it) and these times have mostly been due to language or cultural issues and not because of our relationship.

 There are a lot of things here that she does not, and probably will not, like. The meat tastes funny, the sour cream, yogurt, chocolate are not that good (yes we can get some at the local Russian Grocery Store but even these are not the same), she cannot comprehend white bread (why would anyone eat that?), the phony friendlieness of people here, the political correctness (I agree 100% on this one), and the lack of community to name a few. None of this is earth shattering but should be taken note of for any newbie. I hope I am not making this sound as if she is miserable because she is not. I'm just throwing out the trials and tribulations that come with this type of relationship. Over all I feel the same as I did many months ago in that I could not have found a better woman then Elena.

Ken