How did your partners/wives find life once in your home country?

[Trenchcoat]

I've just been wondering about this as I'm guessing to many it comes as a complete culture shock to them. I've noticed that many FSW have a directness about them and a certain perhaps often entrenched way of thinking. A way of thinking no doubt at odds with the way the society is that they move to. Just wondering if those of you that married a FSW found she had difficulty coming to terms with western society?

[alex330]

First year or so was very hard. They are dependent on you for many things, stuck inside a lot, homesick, and so on. Where we live there is not a great public transportation system and different people than she was used to. That was difficult. My wife also got very sick once or twice from the change.


We know many FSUW that returned home a year or two after living in the West for various reasons.

[Trenchcoat]

Thanks Alex that's interesting to know. I guess it can be a little difficult for the woman to interact with others even after learning the language as the way people interact and their values are no doubt a bit different. Good stuff to think about early on I think.

[alex330]

Yes, it can be very difficult. Even if she knows the language she will not know the local slang or how to truly express herself. Little jokes people may make during small talk. A woman who was once a funny, witty woman and the life of the party among friends back home may lose that (at least temporarily) after she relocates.


She will probably gravitate towards other FSUW if there are any in your area. Just for the common language initially. After a while we found that most were not someone she would befriend or even speak to back home. Women with issues, bigger better deal types, or maybe too much drama. A few years in and my wife's friends are now mostly American or from other countries except the FSU.


Values I believe are an individual thing and there are people all over the World with similar or dissimilar sets. The issue I see many times here is that the Western mans values are not what the woman expected.

[BillyB]

My wife had an easy transition. She had a good view of America before living here and she's already lived outside of Ukraine before coming here. If she can adapt to life in Libya, she can easily adapt to life in Western society.

[ML]

My wife had probably unusual experience.

She has had virtually zero problems in adapting to life in USA.  Had no serious home sickness at all despite being very close to family remaining in Ukraine.
And she has not gravitated to FSU folks, now stating that she prefers spending time with USA folks.
She started year-long full-time English program within a month of arrival in USA.
Took driving lessons from me and got license within first semester, so drove herself to school and elsewhere from then on. [However, she still cannot find her way to any new location for first time and forgets how to get there if a month or so passes !! ]
Got A’s in all courses and awarded Certificate for Highest TOEFL score attained of all in her group.
Completed two year Masters degree program in Math with full tuition scholarship plus GTA pay.  Got A’s in all classes with A+ in more than half of classes.
Now into her third year of Instructor of Math [Multivariable Calculus and Differential Equations] at University.  However this is not a guaranteed job from semester to semester which causes a lot of anguish for her . . . which carries over to me, particularly since I would somewhat prefer she not work.
Now wavering . . . leaning against . . . entering PhD program in Fall 2018.

[alex330]

Took driving lessons from me

That is always fun huh? 

[ML]

That is always fun huh? 

Actually it was not a problem for either of us at all.

Again, probably an unusual situation.

[msmob]

Trench, whilst this is a great thread - why are so interested as you haven't GOT a lady to be even thinking about bringing to the UK ?!

WE had loads of issues - with her late teenage son adjusting - and her lack of English holding her back doing work she would be allowed to do in Russia with her qualies

She applied herself and now has better qualifications than most Brits ..

She could drive manual ( stick shift ) cars but wanted an automatic - still more unusual in the UK - so learning to drive was challenging ...

I certainly do not agree with those that say "stop her mixing with ex-pats already here and do not get them their own language TV "..  Having lived abroad - where English is not the first language - I understood - it is great to  listen to one's own lingo, sometimes

[Trenchcoat]

Trench, whilst this is a great thread - why are so interested as you haven't GOT a lady to be even thinking about bringing to the UK ?!

Thinking ahead Mobers Well the way I see it is it seems a good idea to have an idea way ahead of any possibility of that happening so I've got an idea of what to expect. I get the impression so many FSU relationships are derailed by some issue along the way that if looked into in advance it could have been surviveable. I also want to try to understand the cultural divide/interaction better. The way I see it we are very often at the brunt of it when we go out to meet her. Its only when she comes to our home country does she probably really start to have to see it the other way around. For example FSW have been known for their abruptness/directness /pushyness I wonder how that plays out when they are surrounded by English people particularly those from more affluent backgrounds.

[msmob]

Thinking ahead Mobers

Too far ahead... The Russians have a saying about discussing what you'll do about the proceeds of selling the bear skins - before you even shot and killed it ...

I get the impression so many FSU relationships are derailed by some issue along the way that if looked into in advance it could have been surviveable.

In our case, there was nothing that could have been foreseen and was pretty unique.  If the couple had strong feelings for each other and are patient and they communicate - all should be fine.

I also want to try to understand the cultural divide/interaction better. The way I see it we are very often at the brunt of it when we go out to meet her.

How so?  If you are on a visit one and did your due diligence ( Skype or similar )  chances are you'll know the lady well enough ....Years ago the internet sucked and video calling was prone to buffer and fail .... If the lady lives in a city - the chances are internet coverage will be good enough ... BUT.. you 'know better' and wish to discount the likes of Skye and take pig in a poke trips....   

Its only when she comes to our home country does she probably really start to have to see it the other way around. For example FSW have been known for their abruptness/directness /pushyness I wonder how that plays out when they are surrounded by English people particularly those from more affluent backgrounds.

You are a UK citizen ... She can get a UK Visa to check you out, before committing

 

[BillyB]

Got A’s in all courses and awarded Certificate for Highest TOEFL score attained of all in her group.
Completed two year Masters degree program in Math with full tuition scholarship plus GTA pay.  Got A’s in all classes with A+ in more than half of classes.

That can happen to victims of the most severe cases of culture shock. Global warming is also knows to cause these things too. Have a doctor check her out. She's not normal.

[2tallbill]

I've just been wondering about this as I'm guessing to many it comes as a complete culture shock to them. I've noticed that many FSW have a directness about them and a certain perhaps often entrenched way of thinking. A way of thinking no doubt at odds with the way the society is that they move to. Just wondering if those of you that married a FSW found she had difficulty coming to terms with western society?

Angel Eyes did pretty well. I did prepare her for the harshness of North Dakota
and I probably made things out worse than they actually were. Nobody understood
her accent. My ear is tuned for a Russia accent, I could understand her of course.
We had a baby and that definitely kept her busy.
 

[2tallbill]

First year or so was very hard. They are dependent on you for many things, stuck inside a lot, homesick, and so on. Where we live there is not a great public transportation system and different people than she was used to. That was difficult. My wife also got very sick once or twice from the change.


We know many FSUW that returned home a year or two after living in the West for various reasons.

One thing I did was to talk privately with many men and a few women
about how to make the transition simpler. Get the whirly gig shower
and hose attachment, have them put together a small pharmacy of
local drugs, tablets, activated charcoal, antibiotics etc.

I had Angel Eyes send a couple of boxes of additional things to me by
mail so that she would have more of her stuff here when she arrived
than she could carry.

I built a room for Smiley Girl in the basement and they got to help with
that. I also made a list of everything within hundreds of miles of where
I lived to see or do.

Angel Eyes was assigned house manager and social director so that we kept
busy. We always have a place to go or a project to do. Rarely, I would tell her
that I needed a day off to rest and recharge my batteries. I do not micromanage
any of her activities, she is 100 times better at managing things around the
home than I am, she is supposed to leave my office space alone, (but she doesn't)

I make barbecue sauce and salsa and various things and she cans them for me,
so I coordinate making them with her.

Sometimes she asks me about doing something fun on the weekend and I will
suggest a zoo, a park, a scenic drive and a picnic etc. Angel Eyes is always in
the mood to see something new or to walk among the pine needles. 

Write this down and put it on your refrigerator AND
on the dashboard of your car
KEEP A RUSSIAN GIRL BUSY AND SHE WILL BE 500 TIMES
HAPPIER THAN IF YOU DON'T. 

[Jumper]

Yes, it can be very difficult. Even if she knows the language she will not know the local slang or how to truly express herself. Little jokes people may make during small talk. A woman who was once a funny, witty woman and the life of the party among friends back home may lose that (at least temporarily) after she relocates.


She will probably gravitate towards other FSUW if there are any in your area. Just for the common language initially. After a while we found that most were not someone she would befriend or even speak to back home. Women with issues, bigger better deal types, or maybe too much drama. A few years in and my wife's friends are now mostly American or from other countries except the FSU.


Values I believe are an individual thing and there are people all over the World with similar or dissimilar sets. The issue I see many times here is that the Western mans values are not what the woman expected.

My wife loved it here immediately.
However her accent and English slang as you mentioned was a small issue.
Id say she also gravitated to Russian speakers from this, but quickly found that a common language doesn't make someone friend material.
Her best local friend is American,despite the thousands of local FSU people here. She does have a few close FSU friends here,  within a few minutes of our home.
She could drive as soon as she arrived so that helped,also the area,is full of eastern orthodox churches , Russian stores, cafes etc etc.
Skype and Viber helped stay in easy touch with her friends and family in a way not possible not so long ago.

I think part of what helped is location,
The small city we live in is very metropolitan and almost eurolike.A large university,tons of outdoor cafes,and things going on downtown all year.Great beaches 20 minites from the house, ice skating rink 5 minute walk in winter, etc.
Additionally Chicago ,with tons to . do and see ,is a short drive.
Another factor is an occupation that transfers easily.(accountant)
And most importantly an outgoing,positive, and optimistic life outlook.


I've seen many have just a few small glitches,but easily adapt with happy families.

I've seen a pile of FSU women really really struggle adjusting here. Sometimes never really assimilating and unhappy.Given the area, and number of FSU amenities and people here, it's simply the issue residing in the mirror.
Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

[alex330]

My wife loved it here immediately.

Skype and Viber helped stay in easy touch with her friends and family in a way not possible not so long ago.

I think part of what helped is location,

Well yes, my wife loved it here as well. We are ten minutes from a beautiful beach and it it hovers around 80 degrees all year. Lots of Russians here and Skype helped. But women still get homesick or miss friends from back home. And lack independence initially. That was the primary issue.


Location certainly helps. The women we know that returned moved to places like small towns in Alabama. It was just too different.


My wife's degree (translator) was not very useful here. That added to her stress. It made her feel as if she was not very useful and had no purpose. It was hard for her to apply for a job in a department store or at a restaurant. Years later she confided in me she never went to a several follow up interviews at department stores because she was so embarrassed.


Like Bill mentions, my wife was in charge of activities. She is very good at that, and can find things to do the locals who have lived here their entire life have no idea even exist.

[Doll]

I did have a hard time getting adjusted though I spoke pretty good English, had a new car right away, had debit and credit cards from my husband. My younger son was with me.
I am not sure what made is hard- my age or personality. As you see , I got everything right away which is quite a rare case.

So I do appreciate what he did for me (though we are divorced).

[BillyB]

As you see , I got everything right away which is quite a rare case.

And that was what gave you culture shock! Next man who marries you should give you nothing and lock you in a closet so you can adjust to life just fine. 


In any case, it's a big decision to move across the world into another culture. If one can adjust just fine, they are lucky. I believe most people experience some shock to certain degrees.

[Doll]

Didn't get your humor. "Next man" won't be able to do anything as I've been here long enough. I own the house, have job so forget it)))

Anyway, good English, a car, ability to get a job will help. The key is her independence though for many AM it is not what they want. I was lucky.
Not sure if a child brought from her country helps but I had my younger. On one hand, I had his company, on the other hand, I couldn't get any job because I had to be at home for the boy. Actually, it worked for me- I ended up working for school district.
Not sure how it all could go if I didn't speak English or didn't have a car.