Is this an unreasonable desire?

[Aloe]

So i am wondering if i'm being unreasonable here.
The situation is as follows. Imagine being in this situation yourself and what would you find of it?

We have 1 car.
Hubby has been utilizing the car exclusively for 2 years taking it to work every day. If i had/have to go anywhere while hubby is at work, i have to take the bus and/or the train, which i have been doing.

Train station is 1 km away from our house. I have been walking there every day.

I have to go to university every day.
Hubby goes to work every day, plus classes on monday evening.

On monday and friday i have to get up at 5.50 AM and leave the house at 7.10 AM with a 15 minute walk to the station.
Hubby gets up at 7.10 AM and leaves the house at like 8.30 AM, His job is 15-20 minute drive away and he can officially show up at any time as long as it's before 10 AM, so he sets his own time of when to leave for work. On monday he also has classes so he comes home at 10 PM that day.


The thing is, since it started being freezing cold in the early mornings, i want to drive the car to the train station, so that i don't have to freeze my butt off while walking on heels all the way to the station. But i wanna do it only on monday and friday.

So what it would entail for my hubby is him getting up 10 minutes earlier and either dropping me off at the station as soon as he gets up then driving home and doing his thing before work. Or i take the car and leave it at the station, so hubby will have to walk or cycle the 1 km to the station to pick it up and then go to work on the car.  Mind you he wears no heels and is nice and warm the entire way, because he dresses practically, while i like to dress pretty instead of practically

So hubby doesn't wanna do it, because it's unfair that he works to support us and he has to endure the 1 km walk. He thinks i should walk, no matter if im freezing and on heels, and i should dress practically instead of pretty. And he doesn't wanna drop me off at the station in the morning either.

Unrelated facts from the past: Whenever i wanted to take the car and it conflicted with his going to work, i was always the one made to use public transport, OR if i REALLY wanted the car, then drop him off and pick him up from work on that day. He never ever ever ever ever uses public transport and flat out refuses to do it any time the question comes up. But whenever i point out that i don't like public transport either, it's tough cookies and "he wants me to learn to be independent".
Another unrelated funny fact: The other day he forbade me having my own bank account and made me transfer all the money, that my parents sent me, to our joint account, because it bothered him that i have my own account. Talk about independence.

So yes, is this unreasonable of me to wanna take the car on monday and friday making hubby walk 1 km to pick it up, or wanting him to get up 10 minutes ealier instead and drop me off at the station? All that while OMG he has school on one of those two days and OMG all that while HE and HE alone has to work. What do you think?

[Aloe]

Come to think of it, he doesn't even need to get up 10 minutes ealier. Considering a car trip to the station is 2 minutes instead of 15 minutes that it takes me to walk.
And he can go to work at any time of his choosing before 10 AM. So he could still get up at 7.10 and drop me off and go to work 10 minutes later than he usually does.

[Misha]

The short answer is no, what you are asking is not unreasonable.

[Misha]

Also, the forbidding you to have a bank account is a bit much as well IMHO.

[alex330]

Not sure if I qualify to answer since I am not married yet, but why can't he wake up that 10 minutes earlier and drive you to the station? 

Also, the forbidding you to have a bank account is a bit much as well IMHO.

Agreed

[Aloe]

Also, the forbidding you to have a bank account is a bit much as well IMHO.

That's what i thought. From our conversations and past arguments i have an impression that he is very big on the FAIRNESS. It strikes him unfair that he works alone and i dont work, cuz whenever we ague it's HIM working and me spending HIS money.
Same with bank account. That it's unfair that while his income gets deposited into our joint account, the money my parents sent us is on my personal account.

[Aloe]

Not sure if I qualify to answer since I am not married yet, but why can't he wake up that 10 minutes earlier and drive you to the station? 

Agreed

Of course you qualify, i am asking everyone. Don't mind the section where it's posted, i wasn't sure where to post. Thanks for the feedback.
I dunno why he can't it doesn't strike me as a gigantic sacrifice either. But like i said, it's probably striking him as unfair.

[Jooky]

Nope. You're not unreasonable at all.
 
Personally I would (and have) made this type of sacrifice for a friend who asked, let alone my wife. For my wife or girlfriend, she wouldn't even have to ask.
 
I can't recall you posting anything positive about your husband. It's sad. 
 
 

[ECOCKS]

No particular order:

1. IMO, he should choose whether you are going to drive the car to the station to leave for him or he gets up and takes you.

2, Walk to the station in sensible shoes, carrying your heels in a bag and change them later OR wear sensible shoes during the day.

3. Bank accounts aren't slices of bread and you're not in agreement in this issue. Id take the money out of the account and back into my account as quickly as possible UNLESS it was specifically given by your parents with the intention that the money belonged to BOTH of you. Was the money given to YOU or BOTH of YOU?

Aloe, seriously, my advice is that you two need to consider some counseling. It sounds like you do have some control issues between you.

Best of Luck.

[Aloe]

No particular order:

1. IMO, he should choose whether you are going to drive the car to the station to leave for him or he gets up and takes you.

I don't mind either, but he says no, you walk and leave the car home.

2, Walk to the station in sensible shoes, carrying your heels in a bag and change them later OR wear sensible shoes during the day.

The only flat shoes i own are sneakers and i am tired of wearing them. I was wearing jeans and sneakers for my language courses, i'm sick and tired of it, i wanna dress pretty. Pretty means a skirt. Skirt means freezing your butt off unless you ride in a car to the station in the morning. So it's not the shoes that are a problem, it's the freezing part. Taking a change of clothes with me seems a bit extreme

3. Bank accounts aren't slices of bread and you're not in agreement in this issue. Id take the money out of the account and back into my account as quickly as possible UNLESS it was specifically given by your parents with the intention that the money belonged to BOTH of you. Was the money given to YOU or BOTH of YOU?

Aloe, seriously, my advice is that you two need to consider some counseling. It sounds like you do have some control issues between you.

Best of Luck.

Moneys was my birthday present from my parents, meant for me to buy a car with, but we bought a used car instead of a new one, so we had a lot over. My parents meant for us to have two cars, but it is too expensive to have two, it takes like 11% of our income to pay for obligated minimum insurance and taxes for one car, so paying 22% of income for cars would be crazyness.  Frankly i am all for having no cars at all, because it would be a giant savings and he has a direct bus to his work every 30 minutes the entire day, and i have the train, but he wants a car.

Counseling is too expensive

[Misha]

From our conversations and past arguments i have an impression that he is very big on the FAIRNESS. It strikes him unfair that he works alone and i dont work, cuz whenever we ague it's HIM working and me spending HIS money.

He should have thought of that before marrying a woman from another country. If anything, he should be doing everything possible to make sure that you study so you can get a good job in the future. If that means getting up at 4:00 in the morning and driving you 100km, he should be the first to volunteer 

Same with bank account. That it's unfair that while his income gets deposited into our joint account, the money my parents sent us is on my personal account.

At the end of the day, the money that you spend that your parents sent you is money that won't be spent out of the joint account    He should be thankful for that 

[ECOCKS]

How "expensive" would the breakdown of your marriage be?

There are all kinds of "costs" involved in something. Perhaps some of that extra car money would be well-spent in seeking counseling?

As for the clothing/shoes, that's your decision. The thing is you bring up wearing the heels as a factor in why you deserve access to the car or a ride. You're making a personal decision that has nothing to do with him. Wearing heels comes at a "cost" that you complain about but wont consider changing.

Women want to talk about their problems, [most] men present solutions.

[Ade]

No particular order:

1. IMO, he should choose whether you are going to drive the car to the station to leave for him or he gets up and takes you.

2, Walk to the station in sensible shoes, carrying your heels in a bag and change them later OR wear sensible shoes during the day.

3. Bank accounts aren't slices of bread and you're not in agreement in this issue. Id take the money out of the account and back into my account as quickly as possible UNLESS it was specifically given by your parents with the intention that the money belonged to BOTH of you. Was the money given to YOU or BOTH of YOU?

Aloe, seriously, my advice is that you two need to consider some counseling. It sounds like you do have some control issues between you.

Best of Luck.

Wow. I actually agree with Ed. Someone shoot me.

Aloe, your hubby is a typical self-centred , selfish 20-something dude; fairness only extends as far as it's fair to him. I'd say there are probably more like him than not. He'll grow up eventually.

[ECOCKS]

Wow. I actually agree with Ed. Someone shoot me.

Aloe, your hubby is a typical self-centred , selfish 20-something dude; fairness only extends as far as it's fair to him. I'd say there are probably more like him than not. He'll grow up eventually.

BANG!

They both have a lot of learning and growing to do.

[Misha]

Moneys was my birthday present from my parents, meant for me to buy a car with, but we bought a used car instead of a new one, so we had a lot over. My parents meant for us to have two cars, but it is too expensive to have two, it takes like 11% of our income to pay for obligated minimum insurance and taxes for one car, so paying 22% of income for cars would be crazyness.

So if I understand this correctly, your parents sent you money to buy a car that he uses to drive to work and school while you walk    That doesn't seem fair to me 

[Chicagoguy]

I know I would never treat my wife this way.

[GQBlues]

I know I would never treat my wife this way.

+1. This is a no brainer. With the exception of Mondays, my wife would have the car the rest of the week. On Mondays, I'd still get up and at the very least drive her to the station, if not to her destination....

[Faux Pas]

Wow. I actually agree with Ed. Someone shoot me.

Aloe, your hubby is a typical self-centred , selfish 20-something dude; fairness only extends as far as it's fair to him.

Wow! And I agree with Ade! Is the world coming to an end?

I'd say there are probably more like him than not. He'll grow up eventually.

Often times they don't grow up. If they do grow up it isn't in time to realize what an insensitive SOB they were

[Jooky]

Aloe, your hubby is a typical self-centred , selfish 20-something dude; fairness only extends as far as it's fair to him. I'd say there are probably more like him than not. He'll grow up eventually.

I'd agree, expect for the 20-something part. I'm around 20-something people constantly.
 
People can be selfish or not at any age. Maybe he'll 'grow up eventually' but in my experience, selfish people stay selfish or get worse unless there is some serious kick in the pants that makes them change.

[ECOCKS]

I'd agree, expect for the 20-something part. I'm around 20-something people constantly.
 
People can be selfish or not at any age. Maybe he'll 'grow up eventually' but in my experience, selfish people stay selfish or get worse unless there is some serious kick in the pants that makes them change.

+1

[Aloe]

So if I understand this correctly, your parents sent you money to buy a car that he uses to drive to work and school while you walk    That doesn't seem fair to me 

You understand correctly. But it's fine by me because he goes to work, so it doesn't matter 'whose' car it is. I consider it our car. The only reason i brought up how we bought it, is because Ecocks asked about the money.
So my impression from this topic is that i'm not being unreasonable. I was doubting because it seemed mean on monday considering he also has school that evening, but really, he doesn't even need to get up earlier, he can just go to work 10 minutes later.

Dunno, some of these days i actually wonder... if this is all going anywhere. I remember back to the days when i was so eager to have his babies, cuz he's so awesome. Now i don't feel that way at all, and sometimes i even call him names in my head, when he makes me upset.  This is all very sad and confusing.

[Misha]

Wow! And I agree with Ade! Is the world coming to an end?



Often times they don't grow up. If they do grow up it isn't in time to realize what an insensitive SOB they were

Yes, there are plenty of selfish and self-centered men who were once young 

[Aloe]

I don't think he is selfish. He is working, and i am not. And by the looks of it, i may not have a job for another 4 years. I don't think a selfish man would agree to such a situation? .. but these quirks with the car and public transport and my bank account and when he says angrily "MY money", that does make one wonder what's going on here?

[Misha]

If you are working in a job you like doing, working isn't really a burden.

[ECOCKS]

You understand correctly. But it's fine by me because he goes to work, so it doesn't matter 'whose' car it is. I consider it our car. The only reason i brought up how we bought it, is because Ecocks asked about the money.
So my impression from this topic is that i'm not being unreasonable. I was doubting because it seemed mean on monday considering he also has school that evening, but really, he doesn't even need to get up earlier, he can just go to work 10 minutes later.

Dunno, some of these days i actually wonder... if this is all going anywhere. I remember back to the days when i was so eager to have his babies, cuz he's so awesome. Now i don't feel that way at all, and sometimes i even call him names in my head, when he makes me upset.  This is all very sad and confusing.

Counseling Aloe, consider the "cost" to your future.