Statistical abberation

[KenC]

It has been a while since I have been active posting here.  Quite frankly, I have had priorities more important.  But I have missed some of my friends here and may have some time to participate now that my life has mellowed out a bit.  I have popped in and read a few things and even posted a few times over the last 6 months but not much.

I had some medical issues going back two years ago, originally impacted by a doctor's mistreatment.  The problem reoccurred a few months ago resulting in an emergency ride to an extended hospitalization.  At one point the doctors wondered how I was still alive.  But I am too ornery and have too much living left to do to go now.  Now I am much better and at about 80% of where I should be and hopeful of a full recovery.  I also take a positive outlook on this experience because it has caused me to reevaluate my life in many ways.  Changes have been made and more in the works.  I will be a better man because of them.

The economic crisis also impacted my business as I am sure it has many others here.  I have a construction business here in California that is tied to the housing industry.  My business had been successful from the time I created it but last year had been a struggle, with an almost complete drop off in the last quarter of 2008.  It is still hanging in there, but barely.  The eminent doom of this business caused me to look for other opportunities for the future.  I looked into the possibilities of getting back into the marketing game that I had great success in the past.  With most of my contacts still intact and the help of my two great partners, the future is brighter than ever.  I now realize that the marketing is my true passion and simply forgot how much I loved it.  It anit “work” if you love what your doing!  I am having the time of my life now and the monetary rewards will dwarf what I made in construction.

Last but certainly not least, my relationship with Lena has changed.  We have separated and divorce papers are filed.  This is not a horror story, but a dignified change in our relationship.  I say “relationship” because we still have one.  We remain good friends and confidants.  The separation was all done in a respectful manner with decisions made for the best of both parties.  Whether or not it is actually finalized is even questionable at this point as there has been mutual vacillation.  I am sure that if it is finalized, we will remain friends.  Again, I must stress that this was all done in a dignified and respectful manner.  Were there hurt feelings?  Of course, you simply cannot untangle ten years of what we had without some pain.  There were no devious power plays or untruths or retaliations of any sort. We simply did it the way it was best for the both of us.  We even shared an attorney to draw up the paperwork and stopped cohabiting.  The settlement agreement was worked out without a hitch.  There was no prenupt even though Lena offered to sign one.  I later helped Lena get her first full time job with this same attorney.

The “why” is a little more complicated. It has been suggested elsewhere that age gap marriages may have a “shelf life.”  That may be true.  I do know that my medical episode a few years back affected my behavior and it had a profound effect on Lena.  With 20/20 hindsight I now see how in her eyes I became a much older man than I already was instantaneously upon the mistreatment.  I never quite recovered from it before we separated.  The idea of children also raised its ugly head ala “Jack Bragg.”  Lena assured me that she that she would never want children. I am smart enough to know that women change their minds all the time and knew this might be a future issue.  I was even prepared to capitulate on having a kid now but Lena wanted to finish her getting her degree first.  And then began speaking of a second child too.  It simply was not in the cards for me at my age.  Is this an age gap issue?  I think of it more as a “life experience” issue and I certainly understand a woman wanting to experience motherhood.  It is all timing too. If this conflict was addressed much earlier in the marriage it would not have been the problem it is today.

So is ours just another failed marriage between an older AM and a much younger RW?  Many of can and will take it that way, but Lena and I don’t.  We are a man and a woman that fell madly in love and enjoyed that love for the time we were together.  Was it a perfect marriage?  No marriage is perfect, but neither of us would trade the years we had together.  We are better people because of the time and experiences we have shared.  We just came to a fork in the road and we must go our separate ways.
I have never advocated an age gap marriage in the past as I explained ours was an aberration.  So seems is the divorce.

KenC

Let the feeding frenzy begin

[Diplomacy]

Hang in there Ken.  It is good to see you back.  I hope you can stay good friends, and am glad it was not an ugly divorce.  I commend you for telling it how you really felt.  A lesser man, would have probably went to having a child.

[facetrock]

Ken I am really sorry to hear this, I really am. I wish the both of you the best in the future.

[KenC]

Facetrock & Diplomacy,
Thank you for your kind words, but no need for sympathy.  There will always be bumps along life's road.  One must just absorb them and keep moving forward. Feeling better than ever.
KenC

[Vaughn]

This very situation was being discussed cryptically on another board, no names mentioned. Then I stumble
back here and learn it's being toughed out by a couple for whom I have the utmost respect. Ken, my heart
goes out to both of you. It's no surprise to me that you've announced these life changes with your usual
style of class. I wish you only the very best in the future.

Vaughn

[facetrock]

There wont be a feeding frenzy Ken. Your to well respected here for that...

[TwoBitBandit]

Let the feeding frenzy begin

Dude, WTF are you talking about?  A feeding frenzy?  Do you think that we're all going to come out the woodwork and kick you while you're down?

It's been great having you on the board all these years and I always enjoy reading your posts.

I wish you nothing but the best during this difficult time.

[Simoni]

KenC-

Health to you, success in your business, and happiness in the next phase of your life...

~Simoni

[Daveman]

KenC,
I'm really glad to hear that your health is getting back to normal and that you've rekindled the passion for marketing. Best of luck there.

Definitely sorry to hear about the separation, but wasn't surprised in the least to know it was amicable and both of you are moving forward with respect and a positive attitude for the future.

Best wishes for both of you...
Dave

[KenC]

This very situation was being discussed cryptically on another board, no names mentioned. Then I stumble
back here and learn it's being toughed out by a couple for whom I have the utmost respect. Ken, my heart
goes out to both of you. It's no surprise to me that you've announced these life changes with your usual
style of class. I wish you only the very best in the future.

Vaughn

And thus this post to put the rumor mongers to rest.

Thank you for your kind words here the PM.
KenC

[Kuna]

Ken,

It's encouraging to hear some things in life are emerging that give you both pleasure and contentment.

I'm very sad to hear of your new relationship status - but your comments on the subject again different you from "others".

You've got many friends here... people who respect and admire you.  That hasn't changed.

Welcome back to RWD.  I'll appreciate your comments and opinions as much as ever!

Kuna

[GoodOlBoy]

Last but certainly not least, my relationship with Lena has changed.  We have separated and divorce papers are filed.  This is not a horror story, but a dignified change in our relationship.  I say “relationship” because we still have one.  We remain good friends and confidants.  The separation was all done in a respectful manner with decisions made for the best of both parties. 

Hello KenC.

I don't know you, BUT....You strike me as another "real man" on this forum.

No Whining, No Crying, No Bad Mouthing of your ex....I think it is a great post.

I really wish you good health in the future. 

Take care of yourself KenC, because in the end, no one else will do it for you.


GOB

[Ade]

Ken,

although I'm not one of your fans here and I disagree with a bunch of things you've posted since I've joined it's still not nice to hear of a relationship break up; I guess a lot of us here have been through one divorce already and know that even amicable ones hurt.

Having said that, and to be blunt, it doesn't really come as much of a shock to me considering the considerable differences in your ages; hopefully it will be a reality check for those that use you as their mascot and pursue relationships with extremely large age disparities.

[Shadow]

KenC,

It takes a strong man to keep dignity and remain friends even in difficult times. It is much easier to give in to hurt feelings and anger.
You have always shown your strength and class, and in times of trouble it does not change.

I hope that you will be able to find love again, with Lena or without her.
The issues you mentioned that led to the current break are important, and any guy who goes for a big age difference should realise and speak about them with the woman he meets. Especially as not every man will have the class and intelligence to see them for what they are and remain calm.

[ScottinCrimea]

I'm sure to the shock of many on the board here, KenC and I had a great conversation by telephone yesterday about our current situations and he had great words of support and comfort for me.  He's truly a class act.

He asked me, if given the chance, would I do it all again.  Despite the difficulties I am now going through that I have shared with others, my answer to him was, "Definitely!".

One can't dismiss 5 years (and in KenC's case 10 years) of the journey with all the wonderful experiences and memories just because the journey takes an unexpected path later on.

Do I think that life experience had something to do with my breakup, even with "only" a 15 year age gap?  Looking back on things, I believe it did.

[dneid]

Ken,
My heartfelt condolences to you AND Lena.  I am sorry to hear of this twist in your lives.  As usual, your candor and class are shining through.  Know that I keep you both in my prayers.
Your RWD Friend,
Dale

[ambach123]

I am sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.

You have contributed a lot and have helped many people with your experiences. This board is a better place because of you.

I sincerely hope you get through this. One thing with all recessions, they all end, we will all see the light at the end of the tunnell soon, so keep your hopes up. This day shall also come to pass.

At least the way I see it, in both yours and Scotts, money or lack of it is the main common denominator.

Had your business not taken a hit, the two of you would have been together, at least it would appear to me.

This is not an age issue, this is a money issue.

It may not even be a nationality issue; how many times you have heard that the guy was hit financially and the AW bailed out? I have heard countless of times.

The lesson at least it would appear to me, as long as you can afford the RW, she would be with you, if you can't afford her, she would be gone, looking for someone who can afford her, age is irrelevant. And for the most part she is not inexpensive.

It is like buying a home in California, when you can't afford to pay for it. Many people did exactly that, and as I have heard, about 50% of the Californians are under water.
I think the same number can be attributed to RW marriages.

Please correct me if I am wrong.

[Ade]

I am sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.

You have contributed a lot and have helped many people with your experiences. This board is a better place because of you.

I sincerely hope you get through this. One thing with all recessions, they all end, we will all see the light at the end of the tunnell soon, so keep your hopes up. This day shall also come to pass.

At least the way I see it, in both yours and Scotts, money or lack of it is the main common denominator.

Had your business not taken a hit, the two of you would have been together, at least it would appear to me.

This is not an age issue, this is a money issue.
...

Please correct me if I am wrong.

Then you've read a different story to me.

His wife decided she wanted kids and he didn't because of where he is at his time of life. His illness also caused some issues to arise - this is not surprising as long term serious illness can even break up relationships of equal age partners. I went through some years of ill health with my first wife and we also had to deal with her wanting kids and my reticence and although those two things weren't the reasons for the eventual failure of my marriage I know first hand the kinds of pressures that they can put on a relationship.

The business issue was just an unlucky additional headache that I imagine contributed nothing at all to their decision to split.

[Misha]

The lesson at least it would appear to me, as long as you can afford the RW, she would be with you, if you can't afford her, she would be gone, looking for someone who can afford her, age is irrelevant. And for the most part she is not inexpensive.

Ambach, repeating something over and over does not make it true, though I know it must be satisfying to you as you continue trying to delude yourself  Relationships are more than just a question of money.

[Ade]

It may not even be a nationality issue; how many times you have heard that the guy was hit financially and the AW bailed out? I have heard countless of times.

The lesson at least it would appear to me, as long as you can afford the RW, she would be with you, if you can't afford her, she would be gone, looking for someone who can afford her, age is irrelevant. And for the most part she is not inexpensive.

It is like buying a home in California, when you can't afford to pay for it. Many people did exactly that, and as I have heard, about 50% of the Californians are under water.
I think the same number can be attributed to RW marriages.

As an off topic aside with regards to your obsession with money in the above context; stress related to financial problems can bring out the worse in people and can cause friction and arguments in a relationship that would normally not occur. This alone could lead to break ups and although it could be argued that it's indirectly attributable to "lack of money" I would say that it's not because of greed and materialism as you state.

[KenC]

Ken,

although I'm not one of your fans here and I disagree with a bunch of things you've posted since I've joined it's still not nice to hear of a relationship break up; I guess a lot of us here have been through one divorce already and know that even amicable ones hurt.

Having said that, and to be blunt, it doesn't really come as much of a shock to me considering the considerable differences in your ages; hopefully it will be a reality check for those that use you as their mascot and pursue relationships with extremely large age disparities.

If you had ever read my views on age gap marriages, you would know that I never promoted them and only cautioned guys not to follow my path.  Lena is an exceptional woman and that is what made our relationship a little different than most we read about here.  As I tried to point out in my opening post, it was a combination of factors that upset our happiness together.  You should be so lucky to have what we had for ten years.
KenC

[ambach123]

I would prefer for Ken or Scott to refute that money or lack of it had nothing to do with the failure of their marriages.

Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches.

There are plenty of wearers on this board who have worn shoes pinching with lack of money, and regretted later, one only needs do a search.

[KenC]

Please let us not fall into debating off topic issues and arguing old disagrrements.

[Misha]

There are plenty of wearers on this board who have worn shoes pinching with lack of money, and regretted later, one only needs do a search.

What exactly did they regret? I will be the first to admit that I am not rich. I spent very little and my wife are very frugal. Yet, we are happily married and if anything our marriage is continually getting better. I will cite myself as an example. I married a wonderful, beautiful caring woman who loves me. She did it not for money (which I did not have) but because she loves my intelligence, my kindness and a number of other traits...

Ambach, perhaps you should get married and stay married for a few years at least before you continuing lecturing people as to what is really necessary for finding, marrying and keeping a woman, any woman, RW or otherwise  

Or at the very least start you own thread. Call it "Ambach's obsession with money or why money is the only thing that matters.."

[KenC]

Ambach,
I would like to thank you for taking the high road in this thread.

Although pending financial issues was a contributing factor, it is not as you imagine.  Lena was and still is much less materialistic than I.  The stress came from me not her.  It is I that set the higher standard of living, not her.  I have been in businesses for all my adult life and know what to takes to succeed.  This is just another bump in the road and I have confidence my new path will be even brghter.  In fact the break up has made me even more determined than usual.
KenC