At the risk of some venomous spew...Hello

[KenInUtah]

Hello everyone,  my name is Ken.  I've posted here a couple times this week but now have a chance to fully introduce myself.  After reading countless threads here and enjoying most of them as well as the comments (notwithstanding some of the snide comments), I know I am gonna catch hell from some of the old-timers here for how I am going about this excursion.  That being said, no one knows exactly how this all plays out as each person is different.

I am 48 years old and divorced from an AW since 2009.  I am gainfully employed and average middle-class.  I have dated extensively for the past few years but have not found a suitable partner for the rest of my life.  I have used many US online dating sites and met many women there.  One day I decided to click on one of the banners advertising Russian Brides figuring WTF, why not look.  Of course it was a "pay" site in one way or another and while I was just checking things out, I wasn't going to pay.  I signed up for a couple free profiles, skeptical of course and got what I expected, hundreds of emails from "women" - most between 18-25.

Now, like I said, I'm 48 and not stupid.  I have nothing in common with someone who is my daughter's age in regards to a life partner.  The obvious modeling agency, seductive photos were an instant turn-off as well.  The emails that started "I love you"...are you kidding me?  Needless to say, AnastasiaDate, UADreams, CharmingDate...were short lived in my book but I figured I would continue to look around.  I am very computer savvy and speak Czech so looking at some Czech sites was my start.  I found the same thing, a couple hundred emails from youngsters in a few days, even though I made it clear that I wasn't interested in anyone under 35.

Eventually, I came across a site Russian-personals and decided to check it out.  It was also free to correspond so this seemed like a logical place to start and learn.  I talked to quite a few ladies via email, narrowed it down to those I wanted to Skype and then went from there. 

Long story short, I have established a very solid relationship with a lady in Moscow.  We talk twice a day, email constantly, have made plans for me to go to Moscow in April, have already discussed the K-1 and marriage and her moving here. She has no children and my daughter lives with my ex back East.

I have read enough of these posts that I know some people here are jaded enough that they will say I am crazy.  Well, that is why I started by saying that no one knows how this all plays out.  Some can spend years looking and others weeks.  I am here to learn more about culture, things to expect when she comes here...that we don't think to ask.  That's called research.  I'll let the haters hate, they won't bother me.  To those that post useful information, like the long thread about his wife and stepdaughter arriving in November, Thank You...it's that information that I am here for.

[BillyB]

I'll let the haters hate. 

An invitation? Lets party!

  We talk twice a day, email constantly, have made plans for me to go to Moscow in April, have already discussed the K-1 and marriage and her moving here.

You're communicating more than some people do with their live in spouses. That's great. Some people here may have a problem with you discussing marriage before meeting. You both have put added pressure on yourselves to make sure the meeting goes smooth with the high expectations that it will lead to marriage. You may overlook incompatibilities or character issues when dating the lady. When you meet the lady, keep an open mind and be available to walk away from it all if things aren't right. Have a backup plan and enjoy your trip no matter how it turns out.

[KenInUtah]

Agreed Billy that it is added pressure but.  I am 48, she 37.  We are not kids, nore is there a huge daddy-complex age difference.  We have talked ad nauseum about everything and the meet will be the final "test".  I am not worried and nor is she

[northkape]

For me personally Ken,,,
I would never risk putting all my eggs in one basket.
During the last 2 years I have been writing and Skyping almost full time with Ukraine women.
Before finally marrying with my lovely Ukraine Wife a few weeks ago.
 
A lot of talking is a good start, but nothing more.
Many times I didn't find the same personality face to face, that I had met with online.
Or there were other totally unexpected incompatibilities, that made one or both of us decide to not go further forward.

As Billy said,, doing it this way, puts a lot of pressure on both parties for smoothing out the wrinkles.

Anyway you are doing the right thing,, getting your feet wet, whether you return empty handed or not.
Still, I wish you the best of luck in finding your "one and only" woman.

[Muzh]

Agreed Billy that it is added pressure but.  I am 48, she 37.  We are not kids, nore is there a huge daddy-complex age difference.  We have talked ad nauseum about everything and the meet will be the final "test".  I am not worried and nor is she

Hi Ken and a formal 


Billy here can teach you a thing or two on how to date Russian teenagers. 


Seriously, communication is the key to this enterprise. Sixteen years ago I found a Ukrainian woman who was able to communicate with me. This is pre-Skype. My first phone call to her cost a cool $425 for about two hours that we talked. But it was more than worth it. As with you, I discussed the K-1 process and moving here BEFORE we actually met. I was 45 and she was 32.


1, 2, 3,... wait for it.


Of course, many here will say that is absolutely stoopid. But, what the hell. Fifteen years married this June. 


As with Russian ladies make sure you pick the right advice.


Good luck.

[jone]

Hi Ken and a formal 


Billy here can teach you a thing or two on how to date Russian teenagers. 


Seriously, communication is the key to this enterprise. Sixteen years ago I found a Ukrainian woman who was able to communicate with me. This is pre-Skype. My first phone call to her cost a cool $425 for about two hours that we talked. But it was more than worth it. As with you, I discussed the K-1 process and moving here BEFORE we actually met. I was 45 and she was 32.


1, 2, 3,... wait for it.


Of course, many here will say that is absolutely stoopid. But, what the hell. Fifteen years married this June. 


As with Russian ladies make sure you pick the right advice.


Good luck.

Okay.  I can do the math too.

How in the world can you retire from the State of New York at the age of 61?  That just ain't fair folks.

[Muzh]

I was 59.75 years old. 


Edit: Oops, I was 45 and she was 32 when she moved here. We started the year before.

[Patagonie]

You did a perfect journey till you wrote this :
"Long story short, I have established a very solid relationship with a lady in Moscow.  We talk twice a day, email constantly, have made plans for me to go to Moscow in April, have already discussed the K-1 and marriage and her moving here. She has no children and my daughter lives with my ex back East"

It is of course really too early to speak about marriage and K1. It is nice that you show her that you are serious but don't make any plan.
And i am with my other fellows here, have TWO prospects at least in the same time.
Your relationship is only VIRTUAL as this time, don't forget it
 

[mendeleyev]

Ken, welcome.

Moscow ladies are among the most modern in Russia when it comes to lifestyle expectations.

Some years ago I was at a conference just outside of SLC and on Sunday morning searched out and visited a small Orthodox Church. Despite the size, 50 or so people made it a "full house," but they were a nice group. The service was a combination of Old Church Slavonic and English. I felt right at home.

Having been married to a RW for a long time, there are still hurdles and potential for misunderstandings, so my encouragement is to go slow and work out a lot of the kinks in advance, before tying the knot. Her life is a lot like yours, yet at the same time it is very different--only experience, and working to overcome obstacles, can teach you that.

One of the best insurance policies you can secure is to learn and appreciate her cultural experiences and traditions, and to learn as much language as you can. If she is the only one making those kinds of adjustments, it can be sort of a one-way street. Showing her that you are learning too, will give her encouragement during those times when adjustments are difficult for her.

A final thought...probably over half of the couples who communicate and seem to bond so well prior to meeting, find that this doesn't necessarily translate upon meeting and spending time in real life. It is something of which you need to keep in mind, even though you naturally hope that things will progress forward.

Best wishes.

[Gator]

Ken,

I imagine your lady is a nice person.  I hope your trip goes well.  I second Mendy's advice about appreciating she is from another culture.  It will not be good if you ignore her cultural differences.  If you marry, this will be a large part of her even in SLC, especially in the beginning.   

Also, never criticize anything about Russian life  and Moscow.   Not in your phone calls today, nor when you visit her.  The archives should have some threads about how to dress, what to bring, etc. 

It seems you have high expectations for the meeting in April.  I was never able to get to this level before spending time together.  Perhaps it was my defense mechanism.  However, some men do, and there are happy romantic stories in the Trip Reports of men communicating with just one woman, making a trip to meet just her, getting married, and still together (read Muckrucker's report). 

If I allowed myself to have high expectations, I fear I would tend to overlook some possible problems.  Anyway, you seem like a well adjusted man.  So this should not be a problem. 

I have an important question to gauge your woman's expectations.  What plans is she making for you to meet her friends?  Family?  Is she taking off from work to spend 24-7 with you?   

Final word of advice, remember that no one is perfect.

[KenInUtah]

Hi guys and thanks for all the well-wishes!

To answer a few questions you have and hear your responses...

She is taking the entire 9 days that I will be there off of work and has already come up with many ideas for things to do.  I am going to be there over May 1 so we are hoping to spend time with her friends that weekend, either in Moscow or at someone's Dacha.  Her parents died 17 years ago in a car wreck and she has no siblings so we are already planning a dinner with her Aunt  and cousins.

I know the Russian Orthodox Church that was mentioned as well and have already sent her the link to their website and FB so she can have that feeling of home too.  I have also found a meetup group here for Russian ex-pats as well as the Russian groceries.

As for respecting her culture...ABSOLUTELY!  I embrace it and have told her as much.  My heritage is Czech/Polish and I embrace the Eastern traditions very much in my life.  I speak Czech so I am trying to learn Russian.  Some is similar, most not but I understand the grammar which helps.  Both of us love to cook and we have shared recipes as well, her borsch and my svickova have been favorites that we have swapped.

We already finish each others sentences...Scary, huh?

[calmissile]

Ken, let my wife Larissa and I wish you both the best.  I think you have done a great deal to sort out issues in advance of your first meeting.  While I normally would suggest a backup plan, in your case I would not think it is necessary.  When you have this much communication done in advance it would be difficult to be thinking of someone else in case it does not work out.  My 2 cents says to give it all you got for this relationship to work out and forget about anyone else.   It's probably not going to break the bank if you have to start over.

I had never dated a Russian women, but I am told that Ukrainian women and Russian women have a lot in common.  You may find yourself the most wonderful wife.  We have met many married couples here in California from Russia, Ukraine and Belarus.  They are all wonderful people and good friends.

Good luck to both of you.

[Muzh]

Ken, I know the guys here are trying to give you the best advice, however, I would forget about "Plan B" and concentrate in her 100%. If it doesn't work, well c'est la vie.


Not a dig at you Doug. 

[KenInUtah]

Thanks Guys!  I am "all in".  So is she.  There is no one else and won't be.  I am 100% with Lilia.  I've done a ton to plan and am doing more everyday.  Fortunately, I am pretty well versed in Russia now and the FSU.  Now I'm learning the more finite details

[Chicagoguy]

After my wife of many years died and no American women were working out for me I wrote to Russian women. The one I met up with the first night turned you to be the one. I did go on to meet two others who I had been writing and were very nice ladies but no sparks. So it can be done with one.

But I was not uninformed. I had already been to Russia 13 times and had been reading the forum here for a number of years.

Best of luck and keep us informed !

[KenInUtah]

Thanks!  Stay safe out there!  I heard you got over a foot of snow (Moscow weather?).  I have my folks and cousin in DuPage County!

[Muzh]

Fourteen inches of snow and still coming down.

[Gator]

Fourteen inches of snow and still coming down.

It must be so beautiful.  Oh well, it brought a few light sprinkles here, and tomorrow will not get into the 70s.  I may have to wear long trousers to play golf.

[Muzh]

It must be so beautiful.  Oh well, it brought a few light sprinkles here, and tomorrow will not get into the 70s.  I may have to wear long trousers to play golf.

LMAO


It surely is NOT going to be beautiful when we shovel out of this.

[Jumper]

It must be so beautiful.  Oh well, it brought a few light sprinkles here, and tomorrow will not get into the 70s.  I may have to wear long trousers to play golf.

Actually , it was beautiful,but it was a lot of shoveling.

[Jumper]

Ken,
For background , I did go to only see my wife, I  had no backups,other than tourism,  and was pretty well FSU traveled and versed in the FSU dating scene.

 I also had zero expectations other than i'd meet an interesting person, and that it would spark a romantic interest  , or it wouldn't,
and i'd go visit the sights and region, simple as that.


 My take -
You can both feel a great connection and compatibility before meeting,
yet the reality is in person that elusive chemistry  is just a coin toss,
 so you both should hope for the best, but keep expectations in check.
  Talking about a K1  or marriage is a bit ahead of the game, but actually if you're on the same page, why not discuss it?
I would temper that with the thought that discussing how each other feels about the possibilities, is different than expecting that outcome.
 I agree with Muzh that if you have invested this much time in each other, I'd *can* any backup ideas, other than tourism,which would certainly be enough to do in the city and region.

 
 

[BC]

Wow!!  nice to see something posted here that has nothing to do with politiks and such.

Yeah Ken, sounds like you're doing pretty much the right thing, most of all keeping your feet on the ground as much as possible

Jumper is right, it all boils down to chemistry no matter where you or she is or how you meet. 

Just enjoy the ride and keep expectations low.

Cheers!@u and best of luck

[jone]

It must be so beautiful.  Oh well, it brought a few light sprinkles here, and tomorrow will not get into the 70s.  I may have to wear long trousers to play golf.

I wore flipflops to work today (or here they call them Chunklas on behalf of our Latino friends.)  Does that count as summery weather?

[BillyB]

I am "all in".  So is she.  There is no one else and won't be.

Ken, have a backup plan. Of course don't engage in a plan B when you're engaged in plan A with your lady. Plan B is only to be engaged if plan A doesn't work and chances are.... it won't work. You're not even at the dating stage with the woman. A guy may date 20 women before finding one worth marrying. The odds are against you. I've read enough trip reports where a guy puts all his eggs in one basket, confident she's the one, only to end the report depressed, alone in the hotel room, crying, and questioning the insanity of looking for a partner overseas.


MAMBA.RU should be your backup plan. You don't have to contact women there prior to your visit but use the site to contact ladies in the city you're staying at to get dates right away if plan A goes south. Whatever you do, if plan A falls apart, don't sit in your hotel room depressed. Make the most out of this trip regardless which direction it takes.

[Muzh]

I wore flipflops to work today (or here they call them Chunklas on behalf of our Latino friends.)  Does that count as summery weather?

It is chanklas with an "a" and it is -20F right now. The wind is a killer.