Lady with child - Advice needed

[HookSwoop]

I am 35, never married, no kids.

Not long ago I received a letter from a young lady; the letter was very interesting and showed intelligence and a playful sense of humor, these initial impressions have been confirmed in subsequent letters.

The catch: In her first letter she wrote about her 4yo daughter –
up to this point I had been searching exclusively for someone who did not have children.

In a word, our correspondence has been great. We have a lot in common and the more I get to know about her, the more I like her. Also, not that it matters in the long run, but she is drop-dead-gorgeous. I am more attracted to her than any other lady I have corresponded with.

I am beginning to feel her affection toward me growing as well.

This has me a little worried…

Since she is a single mother, I am feeling a pressure (or obligation) to be extra careful with how far to let this go. It is getting close to the time that I either have to nip this in the bud or be prepared to possibly go all the way.

My issue: I am unsure if I am prepared (willing, capable… whatever) of an instant family. To be a step-father before I have had children of my own; to be responsible for not just one person but two; to raise another man’s daughter; etc. etc. etc.

I understand it may seem like I am getting way ahead of myself since we have not met yet. Things might not work out and all this may be for nothing. But as I said, I am feeling a responsibility to know I can accept this before it goes too far and deeper feelings and emotions come into play.

So I guess my first question is,

• am I premature on worrying about this? Should I just wait until we meet (January) and see how we get along, and then deal with it if we like each other?

I know that ultimately only I can decide if I am ready, willing, and able to handle the responsibility. However, I am looking for some advice from those of you with experience or perspective in such matters.

• In broad terms, how difficult is such a situation?
• Are there any cultural traits that would make marrying a RW with a child any easier or difficult than the same situation with an AW? For example, are RW any more or less open to allowing their new husband parental rights (upbringing decisions, discipline, etc.)?
• Should the fact that I have no children of my own be a considering factor? I would like to have a couple children of my own some day.
• Her daughter is 4yo. Does this fact make it easier or more difficult, or neither?
• Has anyone here married a lady with a young child? If so, what unique challenges did you face that I should consider?

I appreciate any advice or feedback that anyone can offer.

Thanks!


-Tim

[BillyB]

Welcome HookSwoop,

If you can't be an adequate father for the child, do the child and her mother a favor and cut the correspondence off. You need to be prepared to accept the whole package, mother and child, not just the mother. Most of the answers to your questions must be answered by yourself.

I think the younger the child, the better it is for the child and a new father to bond and get along. You need to ask where the father of this child is and if he would be willing to sign off in letting his daughter leave the country.

As far as your other questions go, you need to ask the mother what she expects a future husband's role is when raising the children.

[BC]

Quick answer:

Yes, you are probably getting way ahead of yourself..  In fact you probably need to come back down to earth before proceeding.

Read http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?pid=2 then read it a hundred more times.

First things first..  you said she contacted you.. did you advertise? If so where?

[Bruno]

My issue: I am unsure if I am prepared (willing, capable… whatever) of an instant family. To be a step-father before I have had children of my own; to be responsible for not just one person but two; to raise another man’s daughter; etc. etc. etc.

Tim... it is your calling not ours...

But i can share a little experience from my previous marriage to a RW...

She was with a child from 3 year old when i have know her... Now that we are divorced, the only joy during our marriage was her child... like you, i have never have child of my own before but i can say that a child is more work and more hapiness...

Another man is not a real problem with so young child... the first time she will call you "father", it will be one of your best day...

By my experience, don't fear about the child... but beware that women can use your "paternal" feeling to reach some idem agenda... i can assure you that a young child is not something to worry about... but now, you need to concentrate on your relation with the lady... see if she is the right for you...  It is very very painfull when you have grow up a little girl from 3 year old until her 10 year... that due to a divorce, you loose all your right like father... no visit... simply the end...

Now, simply take care off your relation with the mother... if all is right, the relation with the child will be good too... a child ( same not of you ) ask a lot of work but bring a lot of reward...

Some other here have marride women with child... ask them since i am maybe the bad example, the only one here who have divorce from a RW with a child from previous marriage... but same in my case, it was a very good experience when related to the child only...

[docetae]

Hello,

I have not married yet a fsu woman with a child, but as I'm father of 3 children ... For me there will be no difference between her child and my children ... What you must be prepared , is that a child request time and patience, that you must change the way you see the world ... you will not be a couple only, you will be a family too. This means great rewards but responsabilities and availabilities.... Are you ready for this ?

What will happen with a child who is 4 ...

You will need to close your door when you are in your bedroom....
You will be wake up in the middle of the night because she will have done a nightmare
She will want to be in the bed with her mother as soon she will wake up.
She will want to play to be a princess and you will have to play the king
She will be in her mother legs when you will kiss her ...
She will jump in your arms and will probably consider you as her father ...

So ask you if you are ready to change the center of the world, to think three instead one or two ...

[William3rd]

If you can't be a father to the child, then I do not understand why you would be corresponding with this woman. Mother and child are a package deal. They can't be severed.

If your intentions are to meet the mother and the child and then see if you are all compatable, that is a good thing.

Remember, they are a package deal. You have to accept both of them into your life.

As you can tell, I agree with BillyB

[viking]

Children can bring great joy into ones life. I have two daughters and I love them to death. And the man who raises this child will always be her father. It is the the hardest work you can find and the most satisfying. No doubt.

But as others have said, you need to make sure the woman is right for you first. You need to meet her and make sure there is a connection and not just a ride for her to GC land. And if things work out between you, that child will bring a lot of happiness for you. They have a way of growing on you.

[Gator]

HookSwo,

Welcome and good post. 

Personally, I love children.  To me they are a bonus, the frosting on the cake.  Good kids make the family even closer and add so much joy.  A RW with a child is probably more mature than a woman without children – in the sense that she knows what she wants and is willing to work to achieve it and to keep it.   

Now that you understand my perspective, what I am bout to tell you could be considered biased.

The doubts you express are minimal compared to how RM (Russian men) feel about a woman with children.  Many RM are great fathers – I have seen them with their children at holiday resorts and in the FSU.  Yet, there are many stories about RM abandoning not only his wife but his children.  And eligible RM tend to avoid marriage to women with children.

That is a key reason that many RW seek foreign men because they want a family and have been told that Western men are more willing to accept someone else’s children.  Many RW consider this more important than “economics”.

The questions you ask are reasonable and they show that you have the maturity to probably be a good father to this 4-yo daughter.  I think 4-yo is a great age to assume fatherhood.  The biggest problems I have read about have been when the Russian child is a teenager (teenagers are difficult anyway without adding the factors of mixed family and different culture/language).

The question is – do you want to be a father.  Do you realize the size of this responsibility?  You seem to indicate that you would like your own children.  That says you want to be a father.  So I say keep talking about this with the woman.  Here are some requirements to make this work if you do marry:

1.  It is imperative that you are considered the father – this is good for you and good for the daughter (the daughter needs two parents who stand united).  Some RW are reluctant about this.  So ask her some open ended questions about what role she envisions for you.

2. I think it is advisable to have common children, yet some RW may be hesitant about this because of their bad experience with the first father.  You must be convinced that she wants another child.

3.  Make sure that the mother can obtain permission from the father for the daughter to leave the country (the US Embassy requires this and some fathers can refuse or hold out for “bribe”).

When you say it is time to cut this off or continue, I am confused.  There is no reason to cut if off unless you are absolutely certain that you could never be a stepfather.  Until then, keep communicating.  At your age and having never been a father, you realistically can not answer the question until you spend time together with the woman and daughter. You just may fall in love with both.   And if you love only the woman, move on to another woman. 

I think you should also meet women without children.  At your age, you will have a wide choice.  The comparison will help you decide.  Yet, if the single mom is as appealing as you describe her, I think you will stay with her.  You seem like a man who looks for far more than beauty.


Good luck.

[jb]

You marry the woman, my wife and I will take the kid off your hands.  We like kids here.

[BC]

Ok guys... kids are great but Hook needs to start at point A.

As far as we know he received an unsolicited email, it went back and forth a couple of times and we're already talking marriage?

(this from a 'dad' five times over with a very insignificant factor of only two DNA matches)

[Michelangelo]

Hook, you are having doubts and questiions.  " I am unsure if I am prepared (willing, capable… whatever) of an instant family."

This alone tells me you are not ready to share your life with the child and mother. 

Having a child is a big thing.

So I think you should keep looking.

[Bruno]

As far as we know he received an unsolicited email

And what ! Maybe with the scam test from RWD she will be a scammer... My actual girlfriend have contact me first too... And i am really kucky that she have make these move... I have know doubt before meet her but now, i know that she is the best thing who have happen in my life...

HookSwoop have not yet meet... my advice is very simple... take the plane... if you are not sure, plan some "reserve" lady in the same city.... make a WoVo with reserve plan....

How can you know without test it !!!

You marry the woman, my wife and I will take the kid off your hands.  We like kids here.

Sorry for the insult JB... but i begin like you 

[jb]

You marry the woman, my wife and I will take the kid off your hands.  We like kids here.

Sorry for the insult JB... but i begin like you

To us, kids are the only reason to have a family.  If you don't like, or want, kids,,,,stay single for Gawds sake~!!!  Leave the RWs to more mature men.

If you have a problem with a woman who has a kid,,, don't write to her~!!!! Leave the woman alone~!!!   She surely doesn't need to have her heart strings plucked by a cad who wants to leave her child behind.  Thats cruel beyond words.

Hookswoop, I'm sorry, but I find little sympathy for you.  I think you may have unnecessarily led this woman down the garden path, led her to hope for a more normal life, even maybe lied to her a little as the correspondance progressed in that you are maybe not opposed to kids.

Now you are having second thoughts about ladies with *baggage*, get it over with.

Either accept the fact that you may not be the first to plough that field, or get out of the game entirely.

Or,,, give the kid to us...

[Albert]

Some of 'youall' here are being a little harsh on the original poster.  He never said he was thinking of asking the woman to give up her child to be with him.

He just has some anxiety about what will happen since he hasn't dealt with children before and was hoping to find a gal without children.

He is just feeling his way along and asking for some reasoned input.

And he said he doesn't want to let this go too much farther if he decides a no go.

I have nothing else to add that could help him.  Some very good advice here, except those that jumped on him a little too hard.

[Mamma D]

GO.....GO....Go and met this lady....You may fall in love with the child, ... and not a spark with the lady.

I have a wonderful (Russian born) daughter and grandson...

In May, the grandchild God had trusted to us, died as the result of a near drownding accident.....Her grandpa was with her and we had recently moved to this small town 250 miles away.

My younger son came immediately and took me to his home that night...
Basil now 16, met me at the door and just held me...."Granny, I am so sorry......). I can not tell you how much that moment ment to me.

This is the little boy, who met me in 2001.....and he knows he is mine....Luckily, his mom and  he also fell in love with my son....

The first lady Dick met had twin sons 5 years old....Dick and the kids fell in love ....... But, it didn't work out with the lady...

SO.... GO... and meet her and that little girl may become your Princess....

[SANDRO43]

Not long ago I received a letter from a young lady; the letter was very interesting and showed intelligence and a playful sense of humor, these initial impressions have been confirmed in subsequent letters. The catch: In her first letter she wrote about her 4yo daughter ....

Maybe you're not telling us ALL of your thoughts, such as your possibly doubting : "Could it be that she's showing herself to me in her best colours because she's looking for someone mainly to take care of herself and her daughter ?" 

[Vaughn]

Hook,

  First of all, nice post, especially for a first one. I might just get
into a bidding war with jb over that child. I've got plenty of
experience parenting other father's children. At your age I adopted
my first daughter, then a second one at age 40. At 52 I was blessed
with yet another, my Russian stepdaughter. Parenting others' kids
ain't for everyone - and for you to raise questions about your
capabilities and preparedness is most valid. Determination of your self-suitedness is not instantaneous. You've identified the crux of your issue, and I urge you strongly to contemplate that further while heeding BC's advice: it's rather early to determine anything. Had you happened upon this "dilemma" ten years ago, I'd echo a few others here and say "keep looking".

  If you enjoy the correspondence, continue, but make plans to
meet. If the thought of "instant family" continues to worry or nag you, be the realistic man you seem to be.

  For the record, I cannot begin to calculate the love and joy I've received from all three of my daughters - I'm suited for this. It doesn't mean I'm special in any way - just suitable. Should you find yourself at peace and the lady turns out to be for real, give yourself and the little one a chance.

  Gator's points 1, 2 and 3 are excellent. I also laud his observation
about the child's young age. I took on a Russian stepdaughter as she was learning the facts of life; fortunately, she had solid values
and parental respect in place thanks to her Mom. Today, she's pushing 18 and it's become more challenging - to the point where Mom has granted me carte blanche to lay down the law, as her own effectiveness is at odds with the inevitable Americanization these kids tend to undergo..... These are issues most parents face eventually - but you're still far from here. Give it time - things will become clear. And welcome to RWD.

Vaughn

[Bruce]

I was seriously in your shoes at one point, only the daughter was a little over one year of age, only I met and interacted with the two reasonably well for nine months or so.  I thought about it long and hard and decided I did not want to raise another guys child.  I had a language barrier, cultural barrier and I just could not trust the beautiful woman enough ultimately. 

I wanted to start my own family fresh.  Determine what is most important to you, like a business decision.  How physically attractive the mother and how well she is corresponding with you is really not a major issue.  You have to meet and interact very well over a period of time.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Find as close to what you really want as you can.  Do not compromise your future.  Sorry for sounding cold hearted but deep down think what is really important to me.  Do you really want this child of 4 to tell you "f*u*c*k you buddy, your not my father," when she is 14 years old?  I for one could not live with that.  Bottom line, stop the correspondence and never meet. 

Vaugn is one special person.  I tip my hat to him.   Best of luck. 

[BC]

Sorry for sounding cold hearted but deep down think what is really important to me.  Do you really want this child of 4 to tell you "f*u*c*k you buddy, your not my father," when she is 14 years old? 

Depending on the relationship, (if it even exists) with the biological father as the child grows up the chances of this can be quite slim with a 4 year old. Much more will depend on bonding within the new family unit.  There is really no big difference between the teen you described and a biological teen saying 'I wish you wern't my father' during this critical period.

Yes, agree that this is not for everyone.  It indeed raises complexity, cost, responsibility and emotional investment, all factors which should not be underestimated.

[tim 360]

At this point you two have not yet met so it would be premature to come to a decision before you cross that bridge.  A good idea to get info and find out others experiences with children and possible issues.  Cheerio, tim360

[Bruce]

"There is really no big difference between the teen you described and a biological teen saying 'I wish you wern't my father' during this critical period."

BC, good point and excellent post.  Another man's child really complicates things.  I stick to my advice.  Unless you really understand and want to raise another mans child, punt!

[docetae]

I was seriously in your shoes at one point, only the daughter was a little over one year of age, only I met and interacted with the two reasonably well for nine months or so.  I thought about it long and hard and decided I did not want to raise another guys child.  I had a language barrier, cultural barrier and I just could not trust the beautiful woman enough ultimately. 

I wanted to start my own family fresh.  Determine what is most important to you, like a business decision.  How physically attractive the mother and how well she is corresponding with you is really not a major issue.  You have to meet and interact very well over a period of time.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Find as close to what you really want as you can.  Do not compromise your future.  Sorry for sounding cold hearted but deep down think what is really important to me.  Do you really want this child of 4 to tell you "f*u*c*k you buddy, your not my father," when she is 14 years old?  I for one could not live with that.  Bottom line, stop the correspondence and never meet. 

Vaugn is one special person.  I tip my hat to him.   Best of luck. 

For the same reason you don't want to be with a woman with a child, I don't want to meet a woman with no child... for several reasons ...

- I have myself children and I want to be with someone who understand the time  and cares they need and all joy the can bring.
- I want to have a large family.
- Having a 4 year child is really a benefit ... no diapers to change ....!

[Mamma D]

There are many of you out there that will understand this statement..

Many people can gave life to a child... 

But the one, who teaches that child "HOW" to live life, who gives guidance, Love, and who cares about the kind of person he/she will become, IS the "PARENT". 

But make no mistake..... that child must accept you and you him...
We are talking about a small human being, not a dog or cat, he must be more than just a pet.

If you are capable of loving other peoples children...nieces and nephews, friends children.... you will do fine. Are you tempted to just sit down on the floor and play and talk to kids? Remember that there is half a world between you and the biological father!

I lost a sweet lady, who was my daughter-in-law, because she could not have her own biological children....

She channelled her energy into a career and the marriage failed. Today, she is re-married and has two adopted children and what a mom she is.....!

We are still good friends, I do so wish she were still part of our family.

Well, you see, "if I gets them, I darn well try to keep them"! There are those of the body, and those of the heart.

I do hope you find the ONE  that is just right for you.......God Bless.
Mamma D

But.... the only way any of you will be able to make an intelligent choice is....... IF YOU GO AND MET THESE LADIES AND CHILDREN.

[Bruno]

HookSwoop is 35 year but he don't say the age range of his hunting ladies...

If he choice a woman around his age, a lot have already children... for these without, a first child after 35 year old add some little medical risk...

Now, some little statistic... i have use the database from Freepersonals.ru ... you have 24121 profiles on these site

If HookSwoop hunt in the range 25-35 year old, he can find 8999 profiles... if he remove the women with child, it lower to 5623... almost one woman on two is with children in these range of age...

Now, if he hunt in the range 18-25 year old, he will find 4334 profile... where 4077 women are without children...

From the previous 5623 lady from 25 to 35 year old, if he like fit women, he will remove ladies over 121lbs ( 55 kg ),  result is 2554 ladies... if he remove short ladies ( below 1m65 ), the remaining is only 972 ladies... This from 24121 women from FSU...

So, he need to know his hunting range age, the desired weight and height, with or without child... once he have define these charateristic, make some check... if result are very low, he have maybe to much high expectation... If he choose a very young woman, he can find a lot without children... if he hunt around his age, it will be a lot more difficult... Russian women marry early in the life, maybe he can seek American women who have children later, who give priority to career over family...

[Michelangelo]

I'm with many other guys here-- I love kids!

In fact, that's the main reason I chose to marry a girl under 30--I wanted our family to be more than just her and me.

But Hook, every person is different.  Do what you want to do. 

Don't force yourself into a relationship with a woman and child if you don't want her child.  Write her now and break it off.

And in the future, only seek and write girls without children.