Sending the 'Dear Jane' message

[Albert]

I have not been close to marriage proposals for any of my FSU lady friends.  However, I have been very emotionally attached to a few of them and they felt the same.

For those who I dated a few times and I didn't want to follow up with any longer, I send an e-mail just saying business, blah, blah, blah would prevent us from meeting again.

For those whom I had spent several weeks (cummulative over several months or a year) with, I sent very long messages stating how well they had treated me mostly, reviewing our good times together, and detailing some of the problems I saw  that necessitated an end to our relationship.

Just this past week, I had to send one of these long messages.  It was very painful for me to do such.  We were almost a perfect match, but there were a couple of major things (for me) that we just could not match up on.   Although we had discussed these issues some, she had no inkling that I would ever send the 'Dear Jane.'

Mostly, these ladies will never respond at all after receiving the 'Dear Jane' message.  At least that has been my experience.

What has been the experience of others?

[Goombah]

I've gotten a "best of luck" or "its a shame" type response, but never more than a line or two.

Kevin

[Albert]

As a follow up to my original post - - - I did (after about 9 days) get a message from the lady whom I had sent the Dear Jane to. She was very civil, recounted our wonderful times together, said that I was the best she had ever encountered in various aspects, expressed sorrow at my decision, wished me the best for the future, and said she would be happy to meet with me if I were in her city again. A real class act which made me feel terrible all over again that I had sent the Dear Jane, even though I know it was the right decision.

[Bruno]

[font="Arial, sans-serif"]Sometimes, relationships run their course. You may be at fault or not, but when its time to bring your relationship to an end, you want to do so cleanly and effectively. Here are some suggestions for your "Dear Jane". They are not specific to RW, use it for all woman.

- If you have personal items at your lover's place, you want to begin getting them back. This is much more difficult to do after the breakup. If your lover has things around your home, put these in a box and have them ready to move. Be thorough - you don't want to have things left around for him/her to need to come back for later.

- Don't involve your friends, family, co-workers, etc., in the breakup. This is only between you and your mate. Adding others to the breakup just increases the humiliation factor.

- If you're afraid of a scene, break up at a public venue such as a restaurant. However, don't "lure" your soon-to-be-ex lover there under false pretenses. Explain that you want to "talk about your relationship."

- Don't wait until a "good time." Do it as soon as you make the decision. Waiting only prolongs the inevitable and makes it even more difficult. Be bold!

- However, don't breakup on a day with special significance. For example, don't breakup on Christmas Day, Easter, or your ex-partner's birthday. This is cruel, and may spoil that day for this person for many future years.

- Don't hedge - get to the point. Be clear and specific. Don't blame or argue, and don't prolong the event. Again I say…be bold!

- Don't breakup in stages! Some people; either through fear of losing someone, or a feeling that their sparing their ex-lover's feelings do the "series breakup". They start by getting distant, then, they suggest that both of them see other people, then, they stop answering the telephone, etc. This just causes the pain to be extended for a longer period of time than is necessary. [/font]

[font="Arial, sans-serif"]
- Be considerate of your ex-lover's feelings, but don't back down. Also, don't promise to stay in touch, stay friends, or say that maybe you can get back together after you "get your head together". This leads to false hopes.

- Don't unload your hurt or anger on this person. Be detached, unemotional, and specific.[/font]

[font="Arial, sans-serif"]- And Finally, don't bad-mouth your x once everything has been resolved. Remember that old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say" you know the rest.
[/font]

[font="Arial, sans-serif"]Breaking up is very difficult for both the person doing it as well as the person getting dumped. Always remember that you saw something special in that person when you first got together. Regardless of what happened to cause the break up, they are still the same person you met and have a right to their dignity.[/font]

[font="Arial, sans-serif"]Be bold, be compassionate, and be truthful. Follow these guidelines, and you have mastered the Art of Breaking up.[/font]

[2tallbill]

If you pursue women from anyplace on Earth inevitably you will
find one that you don't want to continue a relationship with.

Depending on where you are in a relationship, I recommend that
you don't delay, you are short, concise, positive and especially not
negative.

I will give some hypothetical examples

You are receive a letter from a woman that you've previously not
contacted. So you have no relationship with her. You look at her
photos and puked in your mouth a little bit.

What I would write is

Dear Sally, thank you for the letter I am flattered. I am pursuing
others, I wish you success, happiness and love!
Udachi!
2tallbill

What you don't write is
Dear Pig Girl
I looked at your photos and blah, blah,

Keep Karma on your side. You don't know who she knows etc.

I will give some other examples in a future post

[Confederate]

If you pursue women from anyplace on Earth inevitably you will
find one that you don't want to continue a relationship with.

Depending on where you are in a relationship, I recommend that
you don't delay, you are short, concise, positive and especially not
negative.

I will give some hypothetical examples

You are receive a letter from a woman that you've previously not
contacted. So you have no relationship with her. You look at her
photos and puked in your mouth a little bit.

What I would write is

Dear Sally, thank you for the letter I am flattered. I am pursuing
others, I wish you success, happiness and love!
Udachi!
2tallbill

What you don't write is
Dear Pig Girl
I looked at your photos and blah, blah,

Keep Karma on your side. You don't know who she knows etc.

I will give some other examples in a future post

Didn't you once land on a site for disgruntled women? So you're speaking from personal experience?

                 

[2tallbill]

Didn't you once land on a site for disgruntled women? So you're speaking from personal experience?

                 

Yes, I've managed to stir up an angry hornets nest, it wasn't pleasant.

[2tallbill]

Another example,

You have had a few chats and communications but she's obviously not
the one. The sooner you send her on her way the sooner she can find
here true love.

Dear Betty,

I appreciate our conversations but have decided to pursue others. I wish
you success, good health, love, romance and especially happiness!

Udachi!

2tallbill


I will tell you one thing for a fact, is that when you get dumped by an FSUW
you are dumped, they move on, and they think about you no more. I've dumped
a zillion FSUW but as amazing as it may seem, I've had my tall, handsome and
charming @ss dumped many times as well.

The shorter and sweeter the better. Less is more

[tfcrew]

2Tall sure has been digging around in the attic lately [older threads]
Times have changed somewhat since 15 years ago...but I have always thought--don't ever burn a bridge.
You never know when you just might want to change your mind.

[2tallbill]

2Tall sure has been digging around in the attic lately [older threads]
Times have changed somewhat since 15 years ago...but I have always thought--don't ever burn a bridge.
You never know when you just might want to change your mind.

I thought that I would see if anybody had any new perspective on the
old questions.

[Confederate]

I am going to write a Dear Jane letter this afternoon. It's a younger woman so it was mostly entertainment. She likes me to share songs. Today's song will be Goodbye Stranger. 

[cameraguymn]

I think that silence is kinda obvious to most women and less complicated. I find that they are okay to move on and pretty quickly to be honest.

[2tallbill]

...but I have always thought--don't ever burn a bridge.
You never know when you just might want to change your mind.

If you decide that Betty is better than Sally, then Sally is a second place girl.
You want a first place girl and she wants to be a first place girl. Kicking a
second place girl up to first after the fact is recycling girls in my opinion.
I would prefer to start fresh and try to find another first place girl. 

[BillyB]

I wonder if Albert will come back and give us an update. He used to write stories of women dropping their panties within hours of meeting him. He would not commit to meeting any woman unless they had phone sex first.

[ML]

I think that silence is kinda obvious to most women and less complicated. I find that they are okay to move on and pretty quickly to be honest.

The silence method is childish.
It leaves the other person wondering if messages are missing, if the person is sick, dead, etc.

Don't be childish.

Man up; or woman up.

[tfcrew]

If you decide that Betty is better than Sally, then Sally is a second place girl.
You want a first place girl and she wants to be a first place girl. Kicking a
second place girl up to first after the fact is recycling girls in my opinion.
I would prefer to start fresh and try to find another first place girl.

So do you ...what? Mssg to Sally [not a very Russian name BTW] and tell her that she is now #2 in your rankings?

Don't be childish. Man up

So like in Bill's case [Sally] (example that)  Because I couldn't  bring myself to tell someone they are now a reject.
Of course this is all subjective.

[Boethius]

The silence method is childish.
It leaves the other person wondering if messages are missing, if the person is sick, dead, etc.

Don't be childish.

Man up; or woman up.

I agree with this.  Ghosting is cowardly.  It's about avoiding your own emotional discomfort, and disregards the other person.  What's so difficult about sending a polite email or text stating "I don't think this will work.  I wish you the best in the future."


This post was composed without the aid of google.

[2tallbill]

So do you ...what? Mssg to Sally [not a very Russian name BTW] and tell her that she is now #2 in your rankings?So like in Bill's case [Sally] (example that)  Because I couldn't  bring myself to tell someone they are now a reject.
Of course this is all subjective.

I used Sally, Betty, et al so that everyone knew they are generic hypothetical
women. If I spent any effort with a girl then she would get a personalized
rejection. It's also my way of clearing the board and to move on.

I had a date scheduled the day after my first meeting with Angel Eyes, but
I called and cancelled it, so I could spend 100% of my efforts pursuing her.

[tfcrew]

I used Sally, Betty, et al so that everyone knew they are generic hypothetical
women.

Of course.
FYI ...Betty is a nickname for Elizabeth---[Elizaveta] ...Sally would just be Салли I guess.

   What's so difficult about sending a polite email or text stating "I don't think this will work.  I wish you the best in the future."

My luck ... A response comes back--- "You horrible ba****d. I wish you to a place where the devil lives."
Of course that would indicate that I was free from a pretty mean woman but still not a pleasant thought.
And then what if I was available on Skype in that case? OUCH!

[2tallbill]

My luck ... A response comes back--- "You horrible ba****d. I wish you to a place
where the devil lives."

That's always a possibility but it's never happened to me.

In the 1,894 times that I wrote a rejection letter, the girls didn't flip out
or react poorly. Maybe they were relieved that they no longer had to fight
off their fellow single sisters while competing for my affections or maybe
they were glad to finally be rid of me. 

I was subjected to the Stregheria coven wrath of Antidate from someone
that I am clueless about. Was it hurt feelings from a rejection? or something
else? We may never know.

[japtats]

FSUW never admit they care, but they do care, and they do have a princess syndrome (Under 30's with options).

[ML]

. . . they do have a princess syndrome (Under 30's with options).

A little off topic perhaps, but . . .

A female FSU business associate once put an ad in newspaper for me without asking me.

I thought it was a waste of time, given the fast moving Internet.

But, she did get a few contacts who sent to her email address.
She forwarded to me.
None were of interest to me.

One gal sent her a second message saying something like:

"You said you were looking for a woman.  I am a woman, so what are you waiting for?"

[tfcrew]

In the 1,894 times that I wrote a rejection letter.....

Were my correspondence that copious...I suppose I would compose a form letter---

Dear_________   I must regretfully terminate our further communication blah blah yadda yadda~~~~~~~~~~

[BillyB]

Here's how to break up and make the ladies feel good that you still want them.


Dear Jane,


I regretfully have to inform you that you do not meet my standards for a wife so it is my duty to terminate this relationship. I come from a long line of noblemen and I possess high quality genes. I'm looking for the same in a life partner. Although you fall short of the values I want in a wife, I will give you the honor of entering into a 'friends with benefits' relationship with me so that you will have bragging rights among the ladies being able to say you sleep with an exceptional man. Although this will be temporary, lasting 10 years or less, I'm willing to help a lady out.


Yours temporarily,
BillyB

[cameraguymn]

How long ago?

A little off topic perhaps, but . . .

A female FSU business associate once put an ad in newspaper for me without asking me.

I thought it was a waste of time, given the fast moving Internet.

But, she did get a few contacts who sent to her email address.
She forwarded to me.
None were of interest to me.

One gal sent her a second message saying something like:

"You said you were looking for a woman.  I am a woman, so what are you waiting for?"