step children

[justtiredofthescams]

Does anybody have any insight concerning step children when marrying an FSU lady? In particular I am wondering about visitations and any laws concerning the father's rites. How much does it complicate things. Doesn't the father have a say as to whether his child leaves the country?
Are there any complictions greater than if what could normaly be anticipated? Any information or expiriences at all would be appreciated.

[CDW]

Women with children are always too complicated especially when the fathers are still in the picture.   

[calmissile]

Does anybody have any insight concerning step children when marrying an FSU lady? In particular I am wondering about visitations and any laws concerning the father's rites. How much does it complicate things. Doesn't the father have a say as to whether his child leaves the country?
Are there any complictions greater than if what could normaly be anticipated? Any information or expiriences at all would be appreciated.

It may well depend on which FSU country.  I can only comment on Ukraine.

A father that contests his children immigrating to the US can be a nightmare that can take years, and may not result in the court decision you both wish.

It is nearly impossible to remove one of the parental rights when it is contested.

My recommendation is to make sure the mother has a signed, notarized letter from the father to allow the children to immigrate.  This should be done before getting serious about any woman with children.

I have heard many stories about fathers accepting money to give up parental rights.  I have no personal knowledge of these cases, but it seems to be common.

In contested cases, even though the court may have given the mother complete custody, the child still cannot leave the country without an exit permit issued by the court.

To leave Ukraine, the child will need an international passport.  To obtain the passport the mother has to have either the permission of the father, or a court order allowing the child to depart with only one parent.

There is also an age consideration for the child.  I do not remember the age of the child whereby the custody issues are not a factor.  My comments are primarily for young children.

If she not have the custody issues locked in concrete before you begin your romance, you might find yourselves waiting for years before wife and children can immigrate (if ever).

You can PM me for more details if you wish.

[Gylden]

I think it depends on all of the people involved.
I have a very good loving relationship with my wifes children (now fully grown and on their own).
Their father wasn't so directly involved with their daily lives, but cared about them and knew it was a good experience for them to move here and so he was supportive of it.
We are all still "flying" together, life is good.

[calmissile]

I think it depends on all of the people involved.
I have a very good loving relationship with my wifes children (now fully grown and on their own).
Their father wasn't so directly involved with their daily lives, but cared about them and knew it was a good experience for them to move here and so he was supportive of it.
We are all still "flying" together, life is good.

Agree.  When parents can agree on what is best for the children it is far better for everyone.

[Shadow]

It all depends on who the father is. Consider yourself in such position and think of how you would react.
One side is the fact that you will have as good as no contact with the children, on the other side the possibility of them having more chances for the future.
And then there is the remote chance that the father is the deadbeat that the woman may have described, in which case money will be the deciding factor. Remember that especially if the woman is not living in a big city her decision to move to another country is seen as her obtaining a billionaire.

[tfcrew]

It has been my observation that..
 
The father is only one consideration.
A child under your roof could become delinquent...or worse, very delinquent.

In many cases, this has been a far worse problem.

[Gator]

Stepchildren are a positive factor in my marriage.  Stepchildren were a positive factor in my past relationship. 


In both relationships, the biological father had long forgotten about his kids.  Both mothers had legal SOLE CUSTODY (with official Russian legal documents establishing such) before I started dating them seriously.  Based on some stories told here, sole custody is important (or paternal permission to emigrate).


Raising young Russian kids is similar to raising young American kids, yet there are some differences.    For example, developing friends takes some time.  Also, stepfathers usually need to confirm most decisions with mama such as food they eat, room temperature, healthcare, etc.  Some of the differences are due to the mother's individual attitudes, yet some of it is cultural.  An example of culture is the concept of sleepovers - mama went into shock when I mentioned this. 


I have some suggestions for potential stepfathers:


-  Spend much time together as a trial family (such as a family vacation) before deciding to marry.


-  Try to have conversations in English, even if very difficult.  Mama and child need to speak their language, yet this can make the stepfather feel useless, even unimportant other than the accountant who follows mama-child around to pay their bills (need to prevent this early in the relationship).


-  The child, the mother and the stepfather each need to make accommodations.  If there seems to be a "problem," discuss it.  If the problem does not improve, it is time to end the relationship.  Marriage will not make it better. 


-  Marry only if you feel there is a strong family unit with the stepfather having equal rights.




-  If the stepfather has children from a prior marriage,   have long discussions with them to build not only acceptance but participation. 


-   If the stepchildren are young, having a common child would be important.

I do not know about evaluating the character of the child because all four of my stepchildren are fine kids.  There are issues such as fighting with peers, or not telling the truth, or drinking alcohol, or making unacceptable grades at school, etc.; yet, these are not dissimilar in raising all kids as they explore beyond their boundaries. 

[BillyB]

Are there any complictions greater than if what could normaly be anticipated? Any information or expiriences at all would be appreciated.

Some men and their ladies have spent years trying to persuade a father, then waiting for a court to make a decision only to learn the father gets to keep his rights and refuse to give permission for the kids to leave the country. The lady most likely chooses to stay in country with the kids. Worst case scenario but can happen.


If you choose to find a woman with kids, ask her about the kid's father and if someday you two decide to be together, if there will be any complications. Beware of women who say their ex is a deadbeat and out of the kid's life. There are many good fathers out there who have a difficult time seeing their kids because of a vindictive ex. You don't want to get involved with a vindictive woman.

[Anotherkiwi]

Women with children are always too complicated especially when the fathers are still in the picture.

I don't know that this is necessarily the right answer, but many members here have expressed the same view.  No matter how well you and the lady may get on, the fact that she has children will almost certainly wreck the relationship (either through problems generated by their father, or the fact that she will always consider them and their well-being far, FAR more important than her marriage to you  ).

[Gator]

I don't know that this is necessarily the right answer, but many members here have expressed the same view.  No matter how well you and the lady may get on, the fact that she has children will almost certainly wreck the relationship....

Not my experience.  Let's examine your two reasons.

.....(either through problems generated by their father.....

I agree if the father wants to be an asshole or if he has a loving relationship with his children.  The former is far more probable based on many, many conversations with single RW moms.  This needs to be taken care of before spending much time.  Courts move slowly in the FSU, and justice does not always prevail.  It took my ex-wife several months to obtain sole custody in uncontested RF court proceedings (the father had been missing from RF records for years and is likely dead). 




Was it Xman who had the problem in court?

....or the fact that she will always consider them and their well-being far, FAR more important than her marriage to you  ).

Not true, based on my experience with two relationships.   RW plan for kids growing up and moving on, allowing the mother to have her life.  And RW mothers in general tend to push for this weaning faster than American mothers do.


It is important if not imperative that the man loves kids in general and finds the stepchildren a source of joy.  If not, don't marry, or Kiwi's second reason will probably become true. 

[Drew]

And RW mothers in general tend to push for this weaning faster than American mothers do.

Totally false.  You have it completely backwards.

With Kate, I have many interactions with Ukrainian and Russian ethnics in USA at cultural events, Orthodox Church, etc.  Covers both those who have been here for a couple of generations and more recent immigrants.

The mothers are totally devoted to their children almost to the exclusion of husbands and others.  They never let go of being a helicopter mother no matter how old the children.

Kate says this is the same as exists back in the old country.

[GQBlues]

So there you go. Completely polarized answers.

What did you learn so far? Zilch. Nada.

But you must 'totally commit' to the endeavor nonetheless.

[Gator]

Totally false.  You have it completely backwards.

In response, I say you have it completely backwards.


Of course anyone's mileaqe may differ.  Please recognize that it you are not a stepfather, you are driving a different vehicle or just watching from the grandstands.


An example.  My ex-wife's son if he matriculated at the same grade as in Russia would be the youngest (and smallest) boy in his American class.  In combination with a language barrier and an interest in sports, I thought it best that he drop back where he would be one of the oldest boys in class.   The mother was infuriated, essentially saying she wanted him out of the house sooner not later.


Maybe your mama kicked you out early; however, it seems that American children today are leaving the nest later and later.  In general, AW are also having children later in life than FSUW.   


While GQ correctly states we have polar opposite views, this is another one of those characterizations where we should not try to place the entire population of FSUW into one category. 


BTW, I will concur with a statement that FSU adult children tend to be closer to their parents than American adult children are to theirs.    However, we are talking about school-age children.


 






 

[southernX]

I don't know that this is necessarily the right answer, but many members here have expressed the same view.  No matter how well you and the lady may get on, the fact that she has children will almost certainly wreck the relationship (either through problems generated by their father, or the fact that she will always consider them and their well-being far, FAR more important than her marriage to you  ).

AK
disagree completly mate , not my experience at all
like  everything about this adventure it all is an individual experience , no two the same

im with gator , my wife is strong on my stepchild, , hovering , careing ,loving as am i  but also quite aware for him to develop himself, to become a ''man '' and be responsible ,  he will leave home when ready , she is not intent on pushing him or holding him at home ,

we have NEVER had any issues over him , he has adjusted well & quickly ,into a great young man who enjoys his life same as any normal teenager ,

what i would say is

understand who you are and what you want & can handle in a relationship  , if you are not a child  person then think carefully about that aspect of the women you contact , before you get half way down the track with a woman who has a child & problems develop

do you have children  , ? young or adult ones , will it be blended family ? will you have more together ?

IF you knowingly decide to contact women with a  child then again look at all potential issues before you get in too deep ,
custody issues , age of child , sex of child, , spend lots of time with the both of them etc etc

my expereince has been excellent , my stepson has been a pleasure to have in the house with us , he has built strong relationships with my own children and they all get along well , never any issues he has excelled at school , now into university , iv never tried to replace his dad , just be his mate and guide him same as my own children

my wife told him & me very strongly in the early stages he would do as asked until he was 18, he was in australia for the long haul , and she was with me for the long haul , as she knew he would grow up and leave at some time in the future
he is well over 18 now &still lives at home

her love &  loyalty to both of us has  never wavered !!!! same as mine to them

SX

[Anotherkiwi]

I don't know that this is necessarily the right answer, but many members here have expressed the same view.  No matter how well you and the lady may get on, the fact that she has children will almost certainly wreck the relationship (either through problems generated by their father, or the fact that she will always consider them and their well-being far, FAR more important than her marriage to you  ).

AK
disagree completly mate , not my experience at all
like  everything about this adventure it all is an individual experience , no two the same

im with gator , my wife is strong on my stepchild, , hovering , careing ,loving as am i  but also quite aware for him to develop himself, to become a ''man '' and be responsible ,  he will leave home when ready , she is not intent on pushing him or holding him at home ,

Of course everyone's experience is different.  I'm glad that you and Gator have had such a smooth ride.  However, read again what I actually wrote - "many members here have expressed the same view."

I'm not qualified to express an opinion on how well or badly such a relationship would develop because I don't have the personal experience of such a situation - all I can go on is what other members have expressed over the years that I've been watching the forum.

[southernX]

AK ,
maybe i should have worded that differently to state my experience  leads me to  disagree completly with the  many members who expressed that view   

I'm glad that you and Gator have had such a smooth ride.

yeh lol , the time i put into reading /research /talking , discovery & planning may have helped put the odds in my favour , 



id only be speculating  but my guess would be that some of those negative experiences by other members in regards to women with children , if they where pulled apart and examined some would show up some clear red flags that may have been ignored , brushed off in the early stages or not properly discovered before the relationship got serious

SX

[Anotherkiwi]

id only be speculating  but my guess would be that some of those negative experiences by other members in regards to women with children , if they where pulled apart and examined some would show up some clear red flags that may have been ignored , brushed off in the early stages or not properly discovered before the relationship got serious

I would think that is highly likely!