Throw me a floatie!

[BillyB]

for you my friend , id suggest you sit down  and have along hard think about how ''YOU ' contributed to this break down between you both

I don't think there was anything left to break. The marriage was broke from the beginning. Easternsun has 5 posts and not once said his wife loved him and said there was zero affection from the beginning. Sure he said things that were hurtful out of frustration from the lack of attention and affection but if she loved him, she wouldn't leave him. If she loved him, he wouldn't be lacking attention and affection. There was no love from the beginning. It's a marriage that shouldn't have happened.

[jone]

I don't think there was anything left to break. The marriage was broke from the beginning. Easternsun has 5 posts and not once said his wife loved him and said there was zero affection from the beginning. Sure he said things that were hurtful out of frustration from the lack of attention and affection but if she loved him, she wouldn't leave him. If she loved him, he wouldn't be lacking attention and affection. There was no love from the beginning. It's a marriage that shouldn't have happened.

What he said.   

+1

[2tallbill]

I've exhausted all my available options.

One additional thing I didn't say before. Some day when you find the Future
Mrs Right EasternSun, all the  consternation about Mrs WrongGirl will make
you wonder why you went through all this grief. The sooner you get this girl
on a plane to the FSU the sooner that both of you can move on and be happy.

Udachi!

Bill

[Miquel Westano]

Don't try to rescue women and then marry them. Find a woman who has her life in order that's not trying to run away from problems. Finding a woman that wants you is better than finding a woman that needs you.

Obviously I don't know much about FSUW.  But I know life and I know marriage.  Smarter words than these have never been spoken. 

[2tallbill]

Obviously I don't know much about FSUW.  But I know life and I know marriage.  Smarter words than these have never been spoken.

+1

I sometimes disagree with Billy but regarding this I am in complete agreement.

Don't pursue desperate girls, they tend to act in desperately.

[ML]

. . . act in desperately.

What the he!! is this ?

[southernX]

lets look at what he wrote

So I've been married for a year and a half, my wife still hasn't gone through the green card interview process because the date was scheduled after she already made plans to go home for a few months to visit family, and they still haven't sent a new date.  A little history of our relationship: it's been rocky from the start, and to be honest looking back we probably should not have gotten married.  She was very homesick after she moved here, but I assumed this would go away because all the Russian people I've met said it takes about a year to really acclimate.  But it really never got better, and I grew resentful of her always being miserable, and I admit I wasn't the loving husband I should have been.  I wasn't mean or abusive, but I definitely said some things about her behavior that I regret.  I also suspected that maybe she was here just for a green card, and for the future of her daughter, because why else would she be here and not put any effort into enjoying it?  So we had ups and downs (mostly downs) but I thought one day she would snap out of her funk and we could be happy.  That day never really came until she started discussing going home to visit.  I told her that was fine, I figured time away would do

A little history of our relationship: it's been rocky from the start, and to be honest looking back we probably should not have gotten married. 

so he married  a lady he either did not know too well , or he decided he had invested too deeply to stop before he got married , however there must have been some spark /love there in the begining between them ,
ime honest  women with kids dont just move countrys without an emotional attachement

She was very homesick after she moved here, but I assumed this would go away because all the Russian people I've met said it takes about a year to really acclimate.  But it really never got better,   

so he knew she wasnt happy from the start  but he assumed it would improve ? and he listened to others ??

assuming stuff is a recipe for disaster ime , when people are almost depressed with homesickenss & culture shock  you cant assume anything , and you need to be patient , supportive and calm stable for them 

I grew resentful of her always being miserable, and I admit I wasn't the loving husband I should have been.  I wasn't mean or abusive, but I definitely said some things about her behavior that I regret.  I also suspected that maybe she was here just for a green card, and for the future of her daughter, because why else would she be here and not put any effort into enjoying it?  So we had ups and downs (mostly downs) but I thought one day she would snap out of her funk and we could be happy.  That day never really came until she started discussing going home to visit.  I told her that was fine, I figured time away would do

so again he assumed , then became resentfull , resentment is the biggest marriage /relationship killer you can apply , and he tells us he did that all by himself , instead of knowing their marriage was unstable and he needed to buckle down even more , he became fearfull of her motives and resentfull of her lack of happiness and thus his lack of expected happiness wasnt fullfilled ,

this not understanding what was going on became a vicious circle of instability and insecuritys , all driven by fear between two people who probably married too soon and did not take time to build enough glue [trust ] in their relationship

i dont think she is a bad or dishonest woman , he is not a bad or dishonest bloke , he just did not understand what was really required of him  & apply the right attitude ,  it seems he tried , but by his own words he at least in half did major damage to his marriage even as it started out

once started this circle of fear , instability and insecurity , will kill a relationship , the man knowing his town/city , /country imo must stay stable and calm do all he can to reassure his new wife all is ok , and she has his support no matter what , he has to keep her close and keep communication honest , listen to her and her fears insecurities , for her and her child,
commitment ,  trust ,& respect cant be built any other way

if you married her you must have either been ignoring info, about her or you believed she was a suitable  life partner ?? which was it eastern sun ?

any married bloke here knows there will be disagreements with your new wife,    its how you handle them that either makes or breaks the relationship
so unfortunatly i not going to say he is innocent of a stuff up here etc etc

i would love to hear his wifes part in this relationship , bloody sure she would shed some intesting facts from her perspective ,

shoot me if you will but hey thats my take on it

SX

[EasternSun]

You guys are right.  I did screw up, she screwed up, and set off a vicious circle that we never could break.  Well, her telling me she was leaving was a wake up call, and I tried to break the vicious circle, but apparently it was too late.  What was said about the fact that I should have never married her is correct too.  And yes, I did feel like I was helping her, which is where I think the resentment came from because she never seemed to appreciate anything I did for her.
There were many red flags before we got married, and I chose to ignore them because I felt that it was worth pursuing, I felt as if with time everything would have fallen into place.  It probably would have eventually, but when she has the choice between trying to make a relationship work in a country that she is not particularly fond of, or returning home to welcoming friends and family, I guess I can see why she would take the seemingly easy route.  I don't think she is being honest with herself about what her life will be like when she returns, but I can't make her see that side of it.  All I can do is learn from all this.  I know I need to have a better plan next time, to be willing to let go of a potential relationship when I see issues that could brew into a disaster later on. 

[2tallbill]

What the he!! is this ?

Desperate people tend to act in desperation or
Desperate people tend to act desperately

I managed to mix the two sentences together.

[ML]

You guys are right.  I did screw up, she screwed up, and set off a vicious circle that we never could break.  Well, her telling me she was leaving was a wake up call, and I tried to break the vicious circle, but apparently it was too late.  What was said about the fact that I should have never married her is correct too.  And yes, I did feel like I was helping her, which is where I think the resentment came from because she never seemed to appreciate anything I did for her.
There were many red flags before we got married, and I chose to ignore them because I felt that it was worth pursuing, I felt as if with time everything would have fallen into place.  It probably would have eventually, but when she has the choice between trying to make a relationship work in a country that she is not particularly fond of, or returning home to welcoming friends and family, I guess I can see why she would take the seemingly easy route.  I don't think she is being honest with herself about what her life will be like when she returns, but I can't make her see that side of it.  All I can do is learn from all this.  I know I need to have a better plan next time, to be willing to let go of a potential relationship when I see issues that could brew into a disaster later on.

I saw the light, I saw the light
No more darkness, no more night
Now I'm so happy, no sorrow in sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

Hank Williams

[EasternSun]

I saw the light, I saw the light
No more darkness, no more night
Now I'm so happy, no sorrow in sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

Hank Williams

Pretty much...

[mendeleyev]

If you do love her, send her home but keep the communication open.

Good advice from posters above. Sometimes it takes absence to make a person think about the relationship. I'd buy the ticket, and graciously send here home. If she feels like she is a financial hostage now, that will cause any bitterness to deepen and cut off all chances for communication later. Even if nothing ever changes between the two of you, it sounds as if you have feelings for the daughter and that might be worth having those lines of communication open.

A divorce decree there is a legal divorce here, and vice versa, but better if you have it done quickly here so that you have a paper trail without having to pressure her for a copy of the decree later. Frankly however, it is much easier to have it done there as if she goes, and you are not present, it will happen quickly.

[southernX]

eastern sun

mate im so very glad you have stayed with us .
i apreciate your honest reflection on the situation in your responses ,thank you for that   

im sure this has happened way more often than we hear about
your expectations are high , she arrives and it starts to go pear shaped ,, this is not what you epxected, its almost like she is bipolar ?   you try but nothing  seems to please her or make her happy, every morning becomes a walk on egg shells type deal  as you try to suss out her mood , ?? what will make/keep her happy

then small things become bigger , frustration kicks in, disagrements start, mood changes , intimacy disapears, fear creeps in and you begin to doubt all things , that just a few months ago where all good
it spirals from there ..   sort of close yeh ??

culture shock at its worst descends into a cold war between you almost

 its never easy when it starts to go down a wrong path that you did not see coming , and unless you have a stable experienced bloke around who can help it is higly likly you will start to get edgy about stuff , frustrated etc ,

the trick here is just remain as calm , stable as you can , vent to others if you must , but be patient with her & daughter

pity you did not find us 1 year ago mate it may have helped you both

anyway , see how it goes with her

let her go back home with your best love and warm wishes , let her know you have some understanding on what you may have done wrong , of course she will also have done stuff wrong , but thing is you can only control ''you ''

people waste alot of time and energy looking at others , lol kind of what im doing now here , its our nature unfortunalty to look outward first, rather than to see what we can do to change something within to improve a situation

doing it for free because we love someone is really hard, , especially when it seems all one way ..its normal to want some sort of recognition for our efforts and some pay back /reward in some way ,

while i agree her life back home wont be a cake walk , she at least knows how it will be there again, she understands that and has family to help support her , so even though she knows it is likly a backwards step it is safe and familiar , happier even in most respects,thats probly how she sees it at the present

 let her go , stay in touch , help her if you really think you want to keep the relationship open into the future , give her time away from you ,


sometimes we try to hang on to a relationship so tight , it does damage, when letting go feels like the worst thing to do it is actaully the best thing to do

calm time apart over several weeks /months lets us really relax and discover our true feelings about a relationship , time will tell if it helps you both or you move further apart

personally i wish you both the best and look forward to you staying around here

SX

[BillyB]

I don't think she is being honest with herself about what her life will be like when she returns, but I can't make her see that side of it. 
 

You still have it in your head that life with you is better than life in Russia. You mentioned this a few times in this thread. Your wife has thought about life with you compared to the life she had in Russia many times in your marriage I assure you. She concluded life in Russia without you is better than life in America with you. It's a tough to accept but it is what it is. You need to find a woman who enjoys a man with your qualities and if you find it's hard to find that woman, improve your qualities.


Given the way your wife wants to return to Russia without milking you for every penny you got, I respect her. I also respect how calm you have been with a divorce on the horizon. If you want to find out how ugly a person can get, just break up with them. Neither of you two been very ugly to each other. Best to keep it that way.

[jone]

Just curious, where is your wife originally from, Eastern Sun?

As an aside, we always used the term, floatie, for something you did not want to find in the community swimming pool.

[2tallbill]

Just curious, where is your wife originally from, Eastern Sun?

As an aside, we always used the term, floatie, for something you did not want to find in the community swimming pool.

These are floaties on the child's arms.

[EasternSun]

eastern sun

mate im so very glad you have stayed with us .
i apreciate your honest reflection on the situation in your responses ,thank you for that   

im sure this has happened way more often than we hear about
your expectations are high , she arrives and it starts to go pear shaped ,, this is not what you epxected, its almost like she is bipolar ?   you try but nothing  seems to please her or make her happy, every morning becomes a walk on egg shells type deal  as you try to suss out her mood , ?? what will make/keep her happy

then small things become bigger , frustration kicks in, disagrements start, mood changes , intimacy disapears, fear creeps in and you begin to doubt all things , that just a few months ago where all good
it spirals from there ..   sort of close yeh ??

culture shock at its worst descends into a cold war between you almost

 

You've got it right.  I don't think it is bipolar though, I think she is just clinically depressed.  I know this sounds really bad, but I married her partly because I felt bad for her.  I know she had it rough, her stepfather put her in the hospital right before we met when he had an outburst over nothing.  Her real father abandoned her.  I really felt bad for her daughter, I could tell she had big issues.  She was basically a mute when I first met her.  I don't know what all went on before they came here, but I suspect it was not good at all.  I never thought of myself as a knight in shining armor that was going to save her, but I thought I can definitely give them a better life, and I did.  Especially her daughter, like I said she went from not speaking at all to knowing 2 languages.  It amazes me how fast she has blossomed in such a short time. 

And yes, I've felt like I've been walking on egg shells for the past year at least.  She would take offense to many things I would say.  She would be mad about the things I buy.  One example is I bought her daughter tights, really pretty tights with cute designs on them.  She loved them.  But then her mother found out they were not 100% cotton and she was so upset that I didn't consult her first!  I often felt like no matter what I did it was wrong in her eyes. 

So I should be relieved it's ending, and I am a little.  I think once she leaves I will lose any residual feelings I have for her, as I really have no reason to love her anymore.  Especially considering how she's been treating me lately, she won't even talk to me.  Her actions are making it easier for me to move on, and I think that is her intention. 

[EasternSun]

Just curious, where is your wife originally from, Eastern Sun?

As an aside, we always used the term, floatie, for something you did not want to find in the community swimming pool.

She's from Russia!  Yeah, I just thought the term "floatie" would shed some humor on this crappy situation!

[EasternSun]

You still have it in your head that life with you is better than life in Russia. You mentioned this a few times in this thread. Your wife has thought about life with you compared to the life she had in Russia many times in your marriage I assure you. She concluded life in Russia without you is better than life in America with you. It's a tough to accept but it is what it is. You need to find a woman who enjoys a man with your qualities and if you find it's hard to find that woman, improve your qualities.


Given the way your wife wants to return to Russia without milking you for every penny you got, I respect her. I also respect how calm you have been with a divorce on the horizon. If you want to find out how ugly a person can get, just break up with them. Neither of you two been very ugly to each other. Best to keep it that way.

I respect her too, and I respect the fact that she did come back home to tell me it was over, rather than just staying there (which would have been the easy thing to do).  And I don't have any reason to get ugly with her, I know I bear a lot of responsibility for what has happened, I know I should have stopped feeling like a floor mat and just got it through my head that I needed to be the bigger person and do everything I could for her without expectation of anything in return.  But that's hard for me to do, I'm stubborn and full of pride, and she is too.  Ultimately I think that is the crux of the failure, neither one of us wanted to be the first one to change!  I know one thing, I'm not going to make excuses for my next relationship.  If I travel across the Atlantic to meet someone, they damn well better be wanting to spend more than a few hours a day together!  It doesn't matter if they have a kid or not.  I need to be more willing to walk away early, so I don't have to do it later.

[Muzh]

Hi Eastersun, sorry to hear it didn't work.


Now, figure out how you fcuked up and why.


I can see quite a few fcuk ups based on what you have written but you should at least figure them out yourself.


Good luck on your search and, trust me, count your blessings this woman was honest and sincere.

[EasternSun]

Hi Eastersun, sorry to hear it didn't work.


Now, figure out how you fcuked up and why.


I can see quite a few fcuk ups based on what you have written but you should at least figure them out yourself.


Good luck on your search and, trust me, count your blessings this woman was honest and sincere.

I think I have identified most of the ways I screwed up.  The biggest one was marrying someone that makes mountains out of molehills, but that's good, I will be well trained for the next relationship, LOL!

[fathertime]

I think I have identified most of the ways I screwed up.  The biggest one was marrying someone that makes mountains out of molehills, but that's good, I will be well trained for the next relationship, LOL!

EasternSun, after reading your posts, it appears to me that you have learned quite a few of your own errors and have owned up to them.  Next time (assuming there is a next time), you should do a helluva lot better regarding you choice of who you marry, your expectations,  and how you conduct yourself.  From what I am reading, you sound far better balanced then most men would be, given your current situation.


Fathertime!   

[Faux Pas]

I think I have identified most of the ways I screwed up.  The biggest one was marrying someone that makes mountains out of molehills, but that's good, I will be well trained for the next relationship, LOL!

Have you bought her return tickets yet?

[EasternSun]

Have you bought her return tickets yet?

Don't have to.  She found the money and has tickets to leave on the 22nd. 

[ML]

Congratulations. 

Now try to stay away from her as much as possible, because you are not yet out of the woods with respect to a false domestic violence charge.

Just hope she doesn't read the internet much, as there are a lot of RW out there who tell about this procedure.