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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 473669 times)

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Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2625 on: March 06, 2017, 08:10:21 AM »

It is amazing to see how your Russian wife's English will progressively improve while yours will become progressively worse.


 :ROFL: 

Especially if she had weak English skills when first meeting.  Regression to the median. 

Other factors: 
   -  An age gap introduces the possibility of dementia.
   -  The wife says she needs you just as you are typing a post.   

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2626 on: March 06, 2017, 07:43:56 PM »


Could be any FSU Woman who is challenged by wet weather. 
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline Wayne

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2627 on: March 09, 2017, 01:43:55 PM »
For Woman's Day!

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2628 on: March 15, 2017, 07:15:07 PM »


The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered awhile before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were totally dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a very wise Vet," they said.   "How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a far-away distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2629 on: March 16, 2017, 02:09:04 PM »
 :ROFL:

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2630 on: March 16, 2017, 05:50:08 PM »
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

Hamish, a Scottish policeman was visiting a policeman's convention in New York.
A NYPD policeman asked Hamish, how would he disperse an angry crowd.
Hamish said, "generally we just pass around a hat and the crowd will disperse
on it's own."


At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing $20,000.  He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of $200 to
the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give $250.'
« Last Edit: March 16, 2017, 06:11:55 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2631 on: March 17, 2017, 01:52:44 PM »
I believe this is an old one.  If so, forgive me  St. Patrick's Day.   

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
 
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 
 
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Offline msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2632 on: March 17, 2017, 01:57:28 PM »
Beel, Phil

 :ROFL:

GREAT

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2633 on: March 17, 2017, 02:18:17 PM »
While golfing, a senior accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.  A very attractive,  female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course next to accident, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
 
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
 
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and then  I’ll help you get the cart upright"
 
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.  "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
 
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
 
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.  He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
 
After a couple of Scotch and waters, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
 
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.  "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything.  By the way, where is she?"
 
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2634 on: March 17, 2017, 02:27:04 PM »
From joke of the day to pinned tweet of the day:




From joke of the day to pinned tweet of the day:





Online 2tallbill

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2635 on: March 17, 2017, 02:33:04 PM »
*** Warning corny joke alert ***
Just skip over the jokes and you will be fine.

Photographic evidence that the River Dance was created in O'Malley's pub
in Cork Ireland while waiting for the loo.











« Last Edit: March 17, 2017, 02:39:23 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Just kiss the girl, don't ask her first. Tolerate NO excuses!

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2636 on: March 22, 2017, 12:11:20 PM »
In 1923, Who Was: 

1. President of the largest steel company? 
2. President of the largest gas company? 
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator? 
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 
6. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

At the time these men were considered some of the most successful businessmen in the world.  Do youknow what ultimately became of them? The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company.  Charles Schwab,  died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,  Edward Hopson,  went insane. 
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,  was released from prison  to die at home. 
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,  died abroad, penniless. 
5. The president of  the Bank of International Settlement,  shot himself. 
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,  also committed suicide. 

However,  in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion  and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was  Gene Sarazen. What became of him?  He played golf until he was 92,  died in 1999 at the age of 95  He was financially secure  at the time of his death.  The Moral: Fuck work.  Play golf.

Offline ML

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A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline ML

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A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline jone

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2639 on: March 24, 2017, 08:55:08 AM »
Cooper has an ice cream headache.  But, I'm not sure that ole' Coop is around any more.  As that vid is a couple of years old.  Still good, though.
Kissing girls is a goodness.  It beats the hell out of card games.  - Robert Heinlein

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2640 on: April 01, 2017, 02:35:51 PM »
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Ryan's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:
 
The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
 
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
 
Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
 
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
 
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.
 
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
 
The plastic surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
 
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
 
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 
In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2641 on: April 09, 2017, 01:41:07 PM »
Don Rickles died at age 90
I called him Don Prickles because he was so snotty and offensive.
But all in fun I guess.

On this clip there is Bob Hope..Dean Martin..Neil Armstrong..Sugar Ray Robinson..Jack Benny..Milton Berle..Jimmy Stewart..Billy Graham..Ronald Reagan ..Telly Savalas ...Phillis Diller..Robert Stack and dozens more celebrities...many who are gone in this life....all roasted by the best :popcorn:

~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2642 on: April 09, 2017, 07:34:22 PM »
Controlling Squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue had the best solution of all.
They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline Maxx2

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2643 on: April 09, 2017, 11:33:05 PM »
Controlling Squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue had the best solution of all.
They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.


That's funny!  Thank you!

Offline Maxx2

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2644 on: April 10, 2017, 01:07:13 AM »
Don Rickles died at age 90
I called him Don Prickles because he was so snotty and offensive.
But all in fun I guess.

On this clip there is Bob Hope..Dean Martin..Neil Armstrong..Sugar Ray Robinson..Jack Benny..Milton Berle..Jimmy Stewart..Billy Graham..Ronald Reagan ..Telly Savalas ...Phillis Diller..Robert Stack and dozens more celebrities...many who are gone in this life....all roasted by the best :popcorn:




That was great seeing all those celebrities again! That was back in the day when we had real celebrities not like the trash celebrities we have now. And people could joke and tease one another not offend. I heard Obama was put out and offended that Rickles said at a celebrity roast that he was just around to "clean up afterwards." Sounds like Rickles doesn't?




.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2645 on: April 12, 2017, 07:30:07 AM »
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
 
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
 
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
 
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
 
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
 
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
 
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2646 on: April 30, 2017, 10:29:07 AM »
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
 "You all have obsessions," he observed.
 To the first mother, Mary, he said,
 "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."
 He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
 "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
 He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
 "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
 At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
 "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, I'm running late and need to pick up Peter and Willie from school."
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2647 on: May 07, 2017, 11:48:52 AM »
Who here is she talking about ?
A beautiful woman is pleasant to look at, but it is easier to live with a pleasant acting one.

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2648 on: May 14, 2017, 02:11:36 PM »
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

Offline tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2649 on: May 14, 2017, 02:31:22 PM »
Caption this...


~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~
~Think about the intelligence of the average person and then realize that half of the people are even more stupid than that~

 

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