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Author Topic: Adjusting to life in the US  (Read 11456 times)

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Offline Todd

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Adjusting to life in the US
« on: March 04, 2005, 01:48:33 PM »
Hi all,

I have a question for all you AM's married to RW's.  Could you ask your wives what were the three hardest adjustments to make during the first six months of living in the US.  For you AM's, what would you do differently knowing what you know now?  The reason that I'm asking, is that Kate will be coming in roughly 4 months, and I would like to be able to anticipate any issues prior to there coming up.  As an FYI, Kate speaks more correct English than I do.  So, I'm not anticipating language being much of an issue.  Our age difference is 12 years (37 vs. 25), but many of my friends are in their late 20's and early 30's so I think that she will be able to blend in socially.

Thanks!

Offline Bruno

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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2005, 01:55:43 PM »
Hello Todd,

I am not American but i copy below some info about the adjusting periode. I think that they are good advice :

"The first couple of months a Russian woman lives in the west is usually very exciting for them. Then life begins to settle down to normal. Her man works every day. Dining out every night turns into a weekly occurrence and the daily grind begins to feel like isolation. She starts to get home sick. She will start missing her friends and the Russian way of doing things. She will go through a period of depression. The depth of this depression varies from lady to lady. At this point she may begin to complain about everything in her new surroundings. She may be ready to go back to Russia because she doesn't understand or like the culture and life style of her new home. After a few months of depression and home sickness, she should begin to settle into a comfort zone. As she grows accustomed to the language and environment, she will start to feel more and more at home and excepting of her new situation. After a year or so, she will be very happy with her new home and life style. This is very normal and you can make it easier by being understanding. Try your best to support her new friendships and keep her busy with developmental activities."

"... With little variation, you can expect a couple of months of excitement followed by a couple of months of depression and then a leveling out of the emotional rollercoaster. It doesn't always happen this way, but I think usually it does. Don't forget that your Russian woman is not the only person making adjustments. You men will be making adjustments as well. You will be faced with a full time live-in companion and possibly her children. It will take time and effort to meld these distinct personalities and dispositions into a cohesive family. Trust, understanding, and patience are the keys to working through the adjustment period.

The adjustment phase poses a few other problems. First, the time limit of the K1 visa coincides with the crisis point of the adjustment phase. If you use the entire K1 visa, as you should, then your lady may be going through a tough time at exactly the moment you both need to make a rational decision. I have very little advice to give on this issue. It is difficult to know if your lady is merely homesick or if her depression is a sign of deeper misgivings about the relationship. You will have to use your best judgment. Trust may be the deciding factor. I'm not talking about you trusting her right now; I'm talking about whether you feel that she trusts you. I think an affirmative answer to that question is a good sign.

A second difficulty during the adjustment phase is her inexperience regarding matters of her new culture. I know that most men are problem solvers by nature, but make an effort not to control every aspect of your Russian lady's life. She is not a child. Obviously you should point out areas of imminent danger, but relax and let her experiment. People learn in three basic ways: memorization, imitation, and trial and error. Rote memorization has limited practical application in daily life; however, imitation and trial and error are very effective tools. Avoid giving lectures. Simply go about things as you normally do, and she will pick up the nuances of western culture. Undoubtedly she will want to find her own way much of the time. She's an adult; let her learn from her mistakes.

The third major area of contention during the adjustment phase is developing friendships. One, let her make her own friends. Try to support her new friendships when you can. Your Russian lady will probably go through a lot of friends at first. She left behind friendships in her hometown that took a lifetime to develop. It will take a little while to find a new group of trustworthy friends. Two, don't make a special effort to introduce your Russian lady into the local Russian community. She will probably meet other immigrants at ESL classes or through the grapevine, but making a special point of meeting other Russians locally may not be a good idea. You don't know what experiences these other folks have been through while in your homeland. They might be full of terrible advice. They probably are dealing with their own adjustment problems. And worst, it could lead to a 'keeping up with the Jones' situation. In my opinion, letting friendships develop and unfold naturally is the best strategy.

There will come a time during the adjustment phase when your Russian lady will need to blow off some steam. Due to homesickness, feelings of isolation, confusion, and cultural barriers, the pressure will build up until it is boiling over. She might verbally attack things in an irrational manner. Don't take it personally and don't react to her ranting, just let her vent. Once the stress is relieved, hopefully, she will feel better. Russians rarely admit they are wrong, even when they know they are wrong - it's a cultural thing. If she is worth her salt, she will make it up to you later.
"


Offline Todd

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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2005, 02:09:06 PM »
Wow!  That was great and VERY useful...Keep all the advice coming.

Offline Vaughn

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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2005, 03:01:51 PM »
Todd,

  Bruno hit all the high points. One problem my wife also had at first was a lack of mobility - she usually got around by shuttle bus in her town, which was rather concentrated. Here, things are suburban and spread out - after she knew the immediate area, she began to walk to the stores, though they may be a few miles away.

  Before I happened along, she was self-sufficient and independent; then, suddenly, she was unemployed and dependent in so many ways - yet reluctant to ask for too much - to remedy this I made sure she had a healthy allowance.

  Now she's driving her own car, working, and the transition, although not complete, has really progressed.

Vaughn  
« Last Edit: March 04, 2005, 03:03:00 PM by Vaughn »

Offline Todd

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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2005, 08:14:37 PM »
Thanks Vaughn.  I live about a 8 minute walk to a subway stop so she should be ok with mobility.  I'm trying to figure out what kind of allowance that I should give Kate.  Could you let me know how you determined the amount for your wife?  What do other people do?

Offline jb

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« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2005, 07:36:04 AM »
Quote
I'm trying to figure out what kind of allowance that I should give Kate.


Is she a child?  If not, don't treat her like one.  You give allowances to kids, with a spouse you sit down a work out a family budget. If her English skills are as you say they are she will be able to understand our banking, money, and credit card system rather quickly.

Be more concerned about:  
1.) her ability to drive a car safely, unless you are a man of tremondous patience, I don't recommend you try to teach her to drive yourself.
2.)  her sense of direction, women are really bad about that and get lost frequently.  Make sure she has a cell phone with a number(s) pre-programmed into it where she can always reach you.
3.) her ability to "shop 'til she drops" on her own.  Trust me, you will walk your legs down to tiny nubs the first week or two when she discovers the "Mall". I can't think of a worse way to die, laying there in the middle of J.C. Penny's womens wear department without a cold beer in sight.

Offline BC

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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2005, 10:17:43 AM »
I'll second jb and Bruno's comments.

Believe it or not some of the hardest adjustments were on my part.

First, never make her feel like she owes you anything. Treat her as the equal partner she is including finances, decisions etc. Put yourself in her shoes.

Second, don't fall back into your 'normal' routine too quickly. High speed romances need time to decellerate. Frequent, romantic day and weekend trips are a good idea. Encourage and support her hobbies and interests.

Third, even if her english is better than yours be prepared for misunderstandings. "You'll need the patience of a Saint" (think this was jb's line)

Offline Todd

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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2005, 11:54:06 AM »
thanks for all the advice.  Please keep it coming.  Incidentally, the word "allowance" was meant more in terms of budgeting as per the comment of Vaughn.  I totally agree that Kate needs to be involved in all major financial decisions.  In fact, our first major financial decision will be shopping around for a house.  I'm hoping that Kate will do most of the legwork as she is likely to be spending more time at home than I will.  Who knows?  I might even have to buy my first car...  Keep all these experiences coming; I'm finding it very helpful.

Offline Vaughn

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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2005, 12:00:04 PM »
Todd wrote:
Quote
I'm trying to figure out what kind of allowance that I should give Kate. Could you let me know how you determined the amount for your wife? What do other people do?


I have no idea what others do, and as for providing for your woman, it's gotta be based on your own budget, and both your needs...  my wife spent much time in the beginning just window-shopping, getting a feel for value and costs, spending little or nothing.

jb wrote:
Quote
Is she a child? If not, don't treat her like one. You give allowances to kids, with a spouse you sit down a work out a family budget.


Never treated my wife like a child, jb - my use of the word "allowance" was honest. At the outset, that's just what it was. We began to discuss budget after she tended to more pressing matters - ESL, and finding her own way around.

 
Quote
I don't recommend you try to teach her to drive yourself.


I second that motion. I taught my wife to drive, and she
learned to drive, safely - and all I learned was that I
was not cut from driving instructor's cloth.

Quote
Trust me, you will walk your legs down to tiny nubs the first week or two when she discovers the "Mall".


Ah, I discovered a self-contained "Mall" is a good place to "drop off" the tireless shopper. Three to four hours walking the gauntlet of shoe stores and fashion is NOT my favorite pastime. Now she goes on her own, whenever she wants to.

BC wrote:
Quote
Frequent, romantic day and weekend trips are a good idea. Encourage and support her hobbies and interests.



Excellent advice. There's so much more out there than TV!!

Offline Bruno

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« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2005, 12:20:16 PM »
Shopping : it was a big problem with my first wife... because i hate shopping and i have trust her, i have give her direct the control of the budget for shopping...

No, she have not spend all money, she have spend nothing... she have find all too much expensive.... and i was obligate during around two month make shopping with her for explain what is cheap and what is not...

And the problem with our publicity and weekly folder in post box... she come back home happy because she have buy a product with 25% reduction... but the product was 50% more expensive that in other shop...

Guys, i know that all we don't like shopping but in the begin, you need really help her and be with her... in the shop...

Offline Elen

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« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2005, 12:23:24 AM »
Quote
), but many of my friends are in their late 20's and early 30's so I think that she will be able to blend in socially
Let's check before what do your friends (especially females' ones) really think about marriage to somebody from the FSU,  just to prevent your wife would be placed into situation when some smart "chicken" says to her "Ah, dear how we are glad to see you "poor thing" saved from that hell you leaved early"
:D

Offline TigerPaws

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« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2005, 04:30:32 AM »
Bruno,

 Helping my lady shop was not as muc of a problem as I thought it would be except I was taking her to all of the wrong shops. I was used to the more expensive high quality shops which cater to a smaller number of clients but my lady prefered to shop at places like Ross where she could spend hours finding that one super bargen. Then I introduced my lady to the world of catalog shopping such as Victoria's Secrets and yes they sell a great deal more than just bras and panties. Sense then we receive several catalogs a week and she is very happy deciding what she wants and having me help her order it and yes my lady still shops at Ross always looking for that one special bargen.

 Anyway guys expand your horizons about helping your lady go shopping, it can be fun if she likes modeling the clothing for you and getting your opinion as to what looks nice on her (believe me I love going bikini shopping wih my lady).

 

Offline Todd

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« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2005, 05:52:26 AM »
To answer Elen's question about friend's and family's reaction to Kate. ...I think that they all are more than a bit curious.  Over the past 5 years, I have done quite a bit of dating...more than any man should have to do...and, so, now, everyone wants to know who I've decided to marry.  I don't think any of my friends will be condescending as one of my female friends has been dating a Russian man for the past couple of year.  On the family side, a family member recently adopted a 3 year old from Russia.  

Of course, no one knows exactly where Belarus is.  Some are uncertain about whether or not it is a country, city, or province of Russia.

Offline jb

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« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2005, 08:32:17 AM »
What was the topic again?  Oh yeah, adjusting to their new life.....

Dating is stressful; long distance dating is doubly stressful, when a couple make the decision to marry, some of the stress is lifted.  At least the pressure of having to constantly put your best foot forward is diminished to some extent.  In the long distance relationship, this stress comes in bits and spurts as the visits unfold every 3-4-or-6 months, but I think the stress level is much higher than if you were dating a local girl.  No local girl is going to do the high-level make-up and high fashion dress-up every day for two weeks straight, she does not have to, she is going to get a break between dates whereas the foreign honey has to make hay while the man is in town.  She has to look perfect everyday for the duration of the visit.

The grind of life together after marriage forces a couple to make changes, after all, the stressful courting rituals cannot be maintained indefinitely, Once all the "Thank You" notes are written, and the "Wedding Photographs" are tucked away in their albums, both husband and wife are free to refocus their attention to more practical matters of running a single household and being married.  One by one, all those little things one does to please a perspective mate during courtship slip away unnoticed until the new couple has found their own groove, that lifestyle were they are both comfortable.  In other words, the honeymoon won't last forever.

I'd suggest the smart man use that honeymoon period to his best advantage, that's when she will be most receptive to new ideas and methods, of doing things the *American* way.  If you allow her to go six months without immersing her in the American culture, not forcing her to adapt to the culture and lifestyle, you are going to create a mule headed beast you will ultimately be sorry you married.

I hear lots of men say things like; "I don't want her to ever become Americanized", or; "I want her to stay the same sweet, innocent, sexy, girl I met in Russia", well,,, she will always be Russian, that part won't change.  However, in truth, you should strive to Americanize her as quickly as possible; otherwise, there will never be any peace in your life.  There will never be a football game you can watch in peace, because you have to entertain the "guest" your wife has become.

I believe that first 6 months are critical to the long-term success of the AM/RW marriage, but it is going to be hard work for both man and woman.  To think you have entered into a state of perpetual wedded bliss that will not require effort on both your parts is wishful thinking.

All of this presupposes she speaks decent English and has been exposed to some of the modern aspects of life we take for granted, if you marry a village girl with no English  you are in for a really rough time.

Offline Bruce

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« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2005, 04:56:48 AM »
1.  Minorities -  I'll leave it up to you all to think if she is pleased to see them / interact with them. 

2.  Brooklyn / extreme harsh city life

3.  Looser less close extended family relations here than the tighter knit structure she had in Russia.

4.  People so poorly dressed

5.  Women here are like men in Russia ie. easy for a disgustingly ugly girl here to find a man whereas it is the opposite where she is from in Russia, where men are the commodity women have to compete with each other etc. even to land a less desirable guy (World reversal).
"A word is dead when it is said, some say.  I say it just begins to live that day."  Emily Dickinson

Offline Muzh

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« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2005, 09:10:05 AM »
Quote from: Todd
I totally agree that Kate needs to be involved in all major financial decisions. In fact, our first major financial decision will be shopping around for a house. I'm hoping that Kate will do most of the legwork as she is likely to be spending more time at home than I will. Who knows?

Todd:

You are crazy if you follow up on this.  You will be throwing a "Christian" to the lions. 

Okay, let me ask you first:

How many credit cards she has?  Does she have a checking/savings account?  If you answer the obvious no, then backtrack and analyze your above statement.  This a very common mistake many men make when bringing their loved ones.  You assume the things you take for granted are the same "there."  Well, they are NOT.  A simple thing as looking for a realtor in the yellow pages is totally "foreign" (all the pun intended) to her.  If you put this pressure on her, you can then say "Hasta la vista, baby."

Now, I'm not asking you to be condescending either.  This is going to be a tight balancing act on your part.  How do you explain things to her without being condescending? Many times my wife and I argued because I assumed she knew basic stuff. Then, when I made an effort to explain things to my wife, she would get offended because I treated her like a child. Either way, I lose. But not is all lost. You will have to sit down with her early on and set the "rules," in other words, tell her you will be receptive to her situation and since you don't know her "system" she will have to ask you for assistance. The first few months, you will be dealing with an overgrown toddler, literally. It will get easier as time goes on, but she will be extremely dependent on you. Throw in some anxiety and depression, and voilá, a full blown argument. The good thing is that if you apologize quickly, she will forgive you.

Ah, the apologies. You WILL have to apologize regardless of who is wrong, period. An old Russian saying talks about how men will not allow their women to cry and by this they mean that when you are done arguing, you will apologize. It is not MANLY for a man to make his wife cry.

Another topic mentioned was her spending. After 5 years, my wife will still write a check because we have checks left. She's getting better at it. Going to the mall, that's my favorite and I'm not being funny. She will go to Express or The Limited or junior department at Macy's looking for clothing. My favorite part is when she comes out modeling this very tight mini skirt or pants or shorts or anything. It's always tight and she has the body that she looks stunning, not cheap. She loves it, especially when the young girls helping her keep complementing her figure. That's our foreplay.

Make things fun for her. Tell her that she will be on an extended vacation while you guys get ready for the wedding, that will take the pressure off. Someone said not to teach her how to drive, WRONG. Do it, she'll love you for it. Even if you yell at her (try not to in anger, but because your knuckles are white.) Involve her in the decision-making process early on. Ask her to teach you Russian. That will make her feel "useful." Also, encourage her to personalize your living quarters.

Above all, tell her Kak ti krasiva, (how beautiful you are) many times.
To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead. Thomas Paine - The American Crisis 1776-1783

Offline jb

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« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2005, 09:59:04 AM »
On the driving thingy.

Ask Bean how he feels about it now that his wife and step-daughter have totalled the third car in same number of years...

There are some things/words which are not in the Russian driving lexicon.  Words like "slow down" do not have meaning because all Russian women know that cars have only two speeds, "ON and OFF".  Seat belts are for weenies. Turn signals are a cute, but totally unneccessary automotive option.  Passing cars at 90mph on a two lane road is great sport and always gets a thrill, (I'd refer you to Bernard and Janna, but she center punched an 18 wheeler and we buried them last January.)

And the list goes on....

Once again, I don't recommend trying to teach your RW to drive yourself, no matter how much you think she will love you for it.  Don't even think of trying to teach a RW to drive at all until she has PERFECT[/b] English.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, you love this cute thing, you will not be overly critical of minor mistakes.  You won't like to see her cry.  Secondly without very good English skills, she won't completely understand your instructions.  Words like "stop", "turn left" and "turn right" have to be acted on instantly.  At even 30 mph the car will travel a goodly distance in a straight line while the student driver mentally translate the word into Russian before she can comprehend the command.  By then it's usually too late.

Handing the keys of a car to a marginally qualified RW driver is akin to giving lunatics loaded guns and saying; "Have fun".

Of course, buying her a cute little hot rod sports car will make her love you, but unless you really enjoyed the RW search/dating/BCIS immigration/etc. process, I wouldn't advise it.  Otherwise you are apt to be back in the FSU looking for another RW bride next year.  Right after they get you out of that full body cast.


Offline Bruno

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« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2005, 10:38:18 AM »
And if your russian lady have already her driving licence from Russia, be carreful too... during my trip in Russia, like pedestrian, i have observe that Russian driver don't see the red light... they always go on...

The method and custom for ride in Russia are not the same that in our western country...

Offline GregfromGa

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« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2005, 03:26:42 AM »
The hardest thing for us was the food. We live down here in South Georgia and you just cany buy many Russian/Ukrainian products around here. If she stays hungry then she'll be miserable thats for sure. If you can find her a little job where she can practice her English then thats great as well. My wife was able to start her own little alteration shop in town and she really liked the idea of making her own money. She has done very well with it and it's really helped her self esteem.

 

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