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Author Topic: "Let me, That's women work", She said....  (Read 17596 times)

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Offline MaxxumUSA

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"Let me, That's women work", She said....
« on: June 03, 2007, 10:40:34 PM »
Ok...

I should have posted this two months ago when I first heard this from my woman.

I was staying at her flat.  I go to help her with something in the house.  She refused the help making the bed in the morning and told me "Let me please...  that is woman's work."

Now...  I am old fashioned and believe in certain roles when it comes to family leadership and providing for family.  But when I am home I believe it is OK for the man to help with household chores.

When I was with her and heard her tell me this I did not want to change her sense of my masculinity so I obliged her and let her do her chores.  I mean...  I did dishes a couple times when she had to work and I wanted to cook dinner.  But for the most part she wanted to keep the chores for herself.

I don't want a housekeeper when she moves here...  I want a wife.  But if these things are important for a wife then I want to know.  When I live with her in the flat she spends about 15 minutes to 30 minutes daily cleaning and such.

I was there for three weeks last visit.

I am going again for two weeks this time.

Please...  only those with experience or woman from russia reply here...  What is normal etiquette in the home when it comes to cleaning, cooking, taking out trash, etc?

I know in USA this is a topic that is viewed very differently from FSU.  But I don't know the details.
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Offline DKMM

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2007, 11:07:24 PM »
You take out the trash.  Its okay to share cleaning, but make sure its in a way that does not make her feel like she is lacking and you are trying to make up for it.  Try not to insist on cooking if she wants to, it could be insulting.  They want to be needed just like you do.

Offline Daveman

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2007, 11:07:59 PM »
I handled the trash (told her I'd prefer my lady's hands not touch garbage, and she liked it) and helped her with clearing the table and the dishes sometimes under her protests... she shooed me away from everything else.  Wouldn't let me wash my own clothes (with good reason... I tried while she was out one day... had a major battle to the death with the Russian washing machine... and finally won.. only to discover I had washed my clothes with salt... hey, their salt looks different and in Russian, the word for salt.. oh never mind...). She took the broom away from me.. etc..  It seems to me they definitely want to take care of us...  I think that's more the issue, taking care of us, than "women's work" but I could be mistaken because she was definitely happy when I fixed some things around the flat - men's work.

Don't know how that translates long term once she arrives in America. 
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Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2007, 11:21:38 PM »
All I can tell you is how it works in our house, but it sounds awfully similar to what others are saying.  You take out the trash.  That's man's work.  Let her clean.  If I try to help her I'm either in her way or doing it wrong.  It's a good thing to pick up your own things and make your personal areas like the office orderly, but don't be scrubbing the floors.  When my wife decides it's cleaning day I will pick up my things and then go for a long walk with the dog, and she's perfectly fine with that.  In fact, she prefers it.  She's okay with me clearing the table and washing the dishes, especially if we have company because it frees her up to entertain them.  She refuses to let me touch the clothes washer.  She's a great cook but I actually do most of the cooking because I enjoy it more than her. I'm the one to go to the market to buy food.  I see a pretty even mix of men and women at the market so I don't know if this is necessarily universally assigned to the man or the woman.

My wife is a bit of an abberation because she has a degree in construction materials and management and enjoys those types of things.  She can spend all day drooling in a hardware store but hates clothes shopping.  In our remodeling work, she will be right there laying brick or tile, hanging drywall, replacing windows, etc.  Of course she's happy to let me do all the heavy lifting and hauling, and I would resist if she tried to do any of that, and she's happy to leave the electrical work to me because it's one of the few things she'll admit I know better than her. (She's mostly right, damn it!)

I will say that there was some confusion about much of this as well as other things at first because there really are different expectations of what is a man's job and what is a woman's job.  My wife really hadn't considered that things might be different in the West and had some resentments because I wasn't doing some "expected" things and was doing other things that were not considered so appropriate.  I just had no clue why she was getting frustrated with me. We finally sat down and had a long talk and realized that many of the frustrations were because of this difference  in expectations and not realizing that there even was a difference.  I would advise you to sit down and in a very nondemanding way discuss what her expectations and understandings of men's and women's roles are, explain to her what the differences are in the West, and then do it her way.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2007, 11:28:10 PM by ScottinCrimea »

Offline Zhena

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2007, 12:04:30 AM »
You take out the trash.  Its okay to share cleaning, but make sure its in a way that does not make her feel like she is lacking and you are trying to make up for it.  Try not to insist on cooking if she wants to, it could be insulting.  They want to be needed just like you do.
Yep,and then after she arrives in USA she will find out that most of AW not that way at all...and its normal when a man does a housework. Actually many men do here. And she will think- amI silly? Why not to allow him if he wants?  And other russian girls whe will communicate with,probably will say their husbands do at least half of housework. So dont relax and be ready that she will change her mind ;)

Offline DKMM

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2007, 12:08:01 AM »
Well Zhena, that depends on the situation.  With most of my friends and certainly my family the wife does most of the housework, all of the cooking and laundry and men handle the yard work, trash and car maintenance. 

But I guess I'm not from the more "progressive" side of American life...

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2007, 12:23:24 AM »
It used to be that way around our house as well but things change. ;)
I do the vacuming of the whole apartment & the dusting around my desk & computer area. I do the dishes quite often & some cooking as well. We both take out the trash, depends on who's going out at the time & what we are already carrying.
She won't let me mop the floors or do laundry although I have sneaked in a load or two when she has been at work. Yep, I know the difference between salt & soap, LOL. :)
I think we pretty much share the housework & chores although all repairs etc fall to me but she tries to help.
I think with time & gentle coaxing she will be more accepting of your help.
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Offline Gator

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2007, 06:27:53 AM »
It is more than cleaning the house.  It is about how you share life.

My experience with two RW over 5 years covers the full spectrum.

RW ONE:  She wanted to be a partner in every sense of the word.  Sharing chores was a small part of being a partner.  She wanted to participate as an equal in making major decisions, planning, making money, problem solving, etc.   She wanted to know exactly my sources of income, and she wanted to learn about financial investing so she could help.   If I were cash short when traveling in remote place with no ATM (or the ATM did not work), she would reach for her money to help.

RW TWO:  She is traditional, placing the man and woman in two different compartments with well defined lines separating the two.   In her concept, the man does "this" and the woman does "that".   If I were cash short and she had money, too bad for me - I am the "man".

Which style do I prefer.  Easy answer, RW ONE.  IMO, it makes a much closer and enduring relationship.  To be candid, this has been a problem with many RW I met. 
« Last Edit: June 04, 2007, 06:31:08 AM by Gator »

Offline Mir

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2007, 06:41:01 AM »
Gator

The more you write about her the more one wonders what the hell were you doing pursuing RW2?

Offline Jazzyclassy

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2007, 07:13:24 AM »
well woman does the housework mostly , but of course if her man wants to help in some way it is always pleasent and welcomed:)

I think woman should do all the kitchen work and men should do all the technical things, at least it will be in my family this way

I am not gonna persuade my man to do cleaning and washing if he hates doing that and it is simply not in his nature to do women's work , cos women are the keepers of cosy things at home , they are much more practical in house keeping things , they are more multi task than men , so when I need to cook some interesting dish and I will lack some ingredients I will simply tell my boy - little lapochka please go and buy this  , man needs a certain 1 task so he wont be like thinking oh did I buy  the thing she wanted or no, so he wont be doubting . He will say - ahh ok darling I will :) man needs some direction , some  little push that's all

I mean if there are like these tools  nails , hammer and other stuff  , I can always help but I believe he will be doing that himself I can bring juice and some food , that will be my help:P


Well cos it is natural  I am a woman and he is a man, we are not gonna switch places, I am weaker he is stronger so let him do men's work and I will do women's . Oh well it is never a problem:)
« Last Edit: June 04, 2007, 07:16:03 AM by Jazzyclassy »

Offline Simoni

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2007, 08:43:48 AM »
Please...  only those with experience or woman from russia reply here...  What is normal etiquette in the home when it comes to cleaning, cooking, taking out trash, etc?

We do it all together.... cook, clean, make the bed, take out trash.  There is no such thing as woman's work...

Granted, I did replace the shower head without her help  :D  LOL

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2007, 09:58:34 AM »
Simoni, is your new avatar a tribute to P.G. Wodehouse ;D?
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2007, 10:18:04 AM »
We share pretty much everything also. Some things Elena does more, other things I do more. I like to cook so do a fair bit of that but she's an excellent cook so I have no problem not cooking.

It will all depend on how you (together) choose to live your life. If your in the way I'm sure she'll let you know!

Ken
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Offline SANDRO43

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #13 on: June 04, 2007, 10:21:52 AM »
women are...more multi task than men
30 years with IBM, and they never told me our computers were modelled after housewives :( :D ;D.
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Offline Simoni

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2007, 03:47:52 PM »
Simoni, is your new avatar a tribute to P.G. Wodehouse ;D?
Ha, it could have been.  But actually, it was designed by Groovstk, in response to a JBism....a line from him in a strand from Friday night when the two Marks and I were drinking....Groove made fun of my light beer....and I reported Marina had me on a diet to lose weight...to which JB responded "that will happen when pigs fly!"

Well, pigs are flying, with the magical touch of Groove  :D

By the way, JBism also gave AJ his avatar.... know that one?

Anyone?

Anyway--on topic...Woman's work is NOT picking out the best beer for her man!!!  ;D LOL

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2007, 04:23:10 PM »
Anyway--on topic...Woman's work is NOT picking out the best beer for her man!!!  ;D LOL

Piva is truly "mans work" and I do my very best to take care of this most serious task!  :D
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Offline Simoni

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2007, 05:00:51 PM »
Piva is truly "mans work" and I do my very best to take care of this most serious task!  :D

Speaking of Peva, I was wandering around at a festival with Gator Saturday night, and since Marina had already flown back to Ukraine, Gator moved me from Amstel to Bud's Red Hook....

But after 4 Red Hooks, Gator was heard asking the girl at the bar for a...

"Red Hooker!!!"    :D  LOL

True story, BTW  ;D

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2007, 05:13:41 PM »
But after 4 Red Hooks, Gator was heard asking the girl at the bar for a..."Red Hooker!!!"
Unmistakable symptom of successful convalescence ;).
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Offline Gator

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2007, 08:34:41 PM »


BTW, the term "Red Hooker" got me a beer and a smile.



For the experienced men, will marriage to a RW eventually come to this?

Offline Dan C.

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2007, 09:10:50 PM »
Gator-  very funny!


  I read this after I had made myself dinner and desert then cleaned up, so it was rather appropriate timing.  At age 40, having lived by myself since I moved out after college, I am used to doing stuff around the house as I don't want to live in filth and want something decent to eat.  I expect to have to share those tasks with someone else when I get married.  I found Scott's comments about different American and Russian perceptions of men's and women's work and how to approach dealing with them informative. 

Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2007, 10:25:16 PM »
You will also find that the RW perception of clean may be different from your own.  Those pants or shirt that look clean to me are simply not acceptable to wear in public and I can't count the number of times I've had to go back to our apartment and redress myself. Her priorities as to what must be clean will also be different.  For example, I hate clutter on the counters and am always "cleaning up" after her when she leaves things sitting around  on them.  For her, the floor is the big thing and it has to be spotless.  God forbid I brush crumbs from the counter onto the floor or dare to wear shoes past the first 6 inches of the entryway!  I have only had one RW so I can't say if this is a cultural thing with her or just a personal thing.  The premise is still the same.  Don't assume that what is iimportant to her is the same as what is important to you.  Watch for "the look" that tells you that you messed up and try not to do it again.

Offline Simoni

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2007, 05:01:13 AM »
Those pants or shirt that look clean to me are simply not acceptable to wear in public and I can't count the number of times I've had to go back to our apartment and redress myself. Her priorities as to what must be clean will also be different. 

Been there...done that!!! LOL

BTW-- was having dinner with a RW/AM couple the other day at a restaurant....and the girl looked at her man and tried to put a bib on him....so he would not mess up his shirt while eating.

Marina looked at me and said....Good idea! LOL

Us guys stuck together and refused!

For now :-)


Offline Daveman

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2007, 11:44:06 AM »
You will also find that the RW perception of clean may be different from your own.  Those pants or shirt that look clean to me are simply not acceptable to wear in public and I can't count the number of times I've had to go back to our apartment and redress myself. Her priorities as to what must be clean will also be different.  For example, I hate clutter on the counters and am always "cleaning up" after her when she leaves things sitting around  on them.  For her, the floor is the big thing and it has to be spotless.  God forbid I brush crumbs from the counter onto the floor or dare to wear shoes past the first 6 inches of the entryway!  I have only had one RW so I can't say if this is a cultural thing with her or just a personal thing.  The premise is still the same.  Don't assume that what is iimportant to her is the same as what is important to you.  Watch for "the look" that tells you that you messed up and try not to do it again.

Good lord... that's the truth... all of it... a single crumb on the floor is a "LOOKable" offense.

There were several time I was standing at the door with my pants off waiting for her to iron out the "terrible wrinkles".  What is up with that?  I couldn't see any at all... but one thing is for certain.. your Russian lady will make sure you look your best... 

When it happens, just let it be... to resist is futile... your conversion to the Unwrinkled side of the Borsht will be complete... Eet ees youwa Dyesteenee

The duty of a true patriot is to protect his country from its government. -- Thomas Paine

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2007, 11:51:00 AM »
Remember the Borg from Star Trek?

They were patterned after FSUW!

"Resistance is Futile!"

Ken
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Offline KenC

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Re: "Let me, That's women work", She said....
« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2007, 11:51:41 AM »
Funny how I used to piss off my American ex wife with "No, that is squaw's work" when she wanted me to help her with some domestic chore!

My current Russian wife of 8 years is not so fussy about "woman's work" as she is about what is "Man's work."  Like carrying any bags or unloading the groceries from the car.  Her selective usage of how work is divided between sexes is sometimes amazing. ;D
KenC
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