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Author Topic: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish  (Read 3065 times)

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Offline Trenchcoat

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2018, 12:00:20 PM »
FSUW rarely have trust issues with FSUM. 


Think about that.

That is worth thinking about. I hear that some FSW get concerned about other FSW moving in on their man, particularity younger women. If the FSM is seen as someone desirable, a good provider, etc then apparently I hear he can have a lot of choices and many play around a fair bit. Some FSM in demand apparently get spoilt by the choice and so they don't treat their wives well.

With foreign WM though I think distrust can probably grow pretty quickly and on both sides and this can be very negative for the relationship. Knowing just when is the right time to let her know more about your life and what to show her I think is important. Too early and you won't know if she is just into you for your house, flash car, etc too late and the distrustful thoughts will already be galloping away in her mind. I don't think the distance helps of course, if Gaspar was able to live with her in a domestic situation for say a couple of months or so in her country then she might get to know him better day to day and relax. I think that there is probably a lot of bad news stories/advice around about how you shouldn't trust a western man if he says this or that. In many cases its probably something completely innocent but it becomes 'Red Flag' issues to FSW who here about it all on their forums.

That's just my thoughts on it all anyway.

Offline gaspar227

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2018, 06:04:24 PM »
I fully owned up that I saw the red flags.  I have worked through them before, but it was just too much.  I can take crazy if you want to call it that, but hypocrisy just is too much. 

I mean that she would flip on Badoo or Mambo and start talking to guys in front of me was crazy then cry and ask me why I still love my ex girlfriend when she saw a 2 year old message on facebook messenger.  Then apologize and say it was nothing...then do it again.   

There's no excuse, but I think i somehow felt obligated by the tattoo.  That somehow I rationalized that in her way she was saying that she wanted to make it so permanent on her body -- that I had an obligation to give it more of a try than I would have otherwise.  This combined with how amazingly affectionate and attentive she could be when she wanted to gave me hope. 

But as of this post, it's been over a week and not one message from her, nothing.

I think it's obvious she was having regrets about the entire thing, that she was in over her head and wanted to break it off but also felt like she could not in good conscious.  Her mother and entire family was begging her to keep the relationship (her mother even sent me Viber messages saying I needed to just give her more time).  I think she wanted it to work on many levels, but knew that she would not be able to so she sabotaged it.  I didn't write her first, so good -- it's my fault and she can be the victim. 

Much of her 'angst' was feeling overwhelmed by the English.  We were in Germany and there was nobody speaking Russian.  I totally empathize with her in a lot of this, but if she wanted it to work, it was not hard to go with the flow.  Perhaps she realized that in USA (as I repeated many times to her) hardly anyone would speak English.  This trip was just a small taste of the completely foreign world she would be agreeing to be in -- and that scared the hell out of her.  Instead of communicating this she lashed out.  She blamed me for every problem, every misunderstanding.

And I did a lot of research into Viy, how do you think I understood the plot at all??  I realize it's not supposed to be a love story but to HER...it was a love story.  According to her the movie has almost nothing to do with the play by the way so I was forcibly told NOT to watch the movie first.    It symbolized to her that if you are untrue, you will be have your karmic destruction.  In her mind, the guy was a big liar and deserved what he got even though the witch was the deceiver at every turn.  At least that's how I understood her explanation.  Kinda like don't lie to me or you will be punished and die even though I can lie to you. 

Did I mention that on the first visit we had a very large knife in the apartment that on the second night I hid on the highest shelf?  LOL.  There were red flags...I knew this would be a challenge, but that tattoo got me.  It's just so permanent...i would have thought she would have tried harder.  And in fairness maybe this WAS her trying harder.  She's a pretty girl, it's not like she was single because there weren't offers. 

Thanks for the support, and I'm all about transparency. 

 

Online BillyB

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2018, 07:13:08 PM »
I mean that she would flip on Badoo or Mambo and start talking to guys in front of me was crazy....

But as of this post, it's been over a week and not one message from her, nothing.

Her mother and entire family was begging her to keep the relationship (her mother even sent me Viber messages saying I needed to just give her more time).


A girl like her have guys coming at her all the time. She has a lot of attention and can be selective. But she's not wise enough to understand most of those men just want to get into her pants and use her. Your ex fiancée's family probably knew you were better than most men she could catch, you're willing to marry her, and will give her a better life in another country. Guys like you don't come along often.
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Offline gaspar227

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2018, 07:35:38 PM »
Everyone I met with her asked her where she met me LOL.  Even the teacher of her English class when I came to visit was like "what site was that again?".  Funny thing is she kept saying we met on ukrainedate.com but I know it was dmnotify.  I did a little hunting and I found her on like 5 sites. 

She was busy!  And she knew they wanted in her pants, she just wanted to make me jealous.  And she LOVED the attention. 

Offline Boethius

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #29 on: June 04, 2018, 07:37:23 PM »
They were probably asking because a lot of sites are scam sites from which women make money.


I see nothing wrong with being on multiple dating sites.
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Offline Boethius

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #30 on: June 04, 2018, 07:49:41 PM »
Her mother and entire family was begging her to keep the relationship (her mother even sent me Viber messages saying I needed to just give her more time).


She is 30 - in Ukraine, they would say "Put a cross over her.", meaning, she will never find a husband  there.  I don't know if I agree with that entirely, but it is the general perspective. 
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online msmob

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2018, 06:39:47 AM »

I mean that she would flip on Badoo or Mambo and start talking to guys in front of me was crazy then cry and ask me why I still love my ex girlfriend when she saw a 2 year old message on facebook messenger.  Then apologize and say it was nothing...then do it again.   

THAT would have been enough 'crazy' for most.. !

Certainly, see no harm in having more than one profile - it isn't a red flag - until you think you're in a mutually exclusive relationship
The internet, in the end, was not designed to give people the information they need. It gives people the information they want.

Offline gaspar227

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2018, 08:34:24 AM »
My only point was that she immediately told me to "delete" my profile when we started getting a little more serious.  And she deleted hers ... from DM notify.  She still had the others out there.  It was the hypocrisy I was highlighting not the effort level.  The fact that she needed so much attention.  I think the constant mood swings got her the attention she was looking for and not a nice steady rhythm

Online BillyB

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2018, 08:45:28 AM »
My only point was that she immediately told me to "delete" my profile when we started getting a little more serious.  And she deleted hers ... from DM notify.  She still had the others out there.


Sometimes when women sign up on one site, that site gives passes out their photos or info to other sites. Women then get mail from sites they never signed up for which can encourage them to start using the site. Of course there's no excuse for her deleting her profile on the site she met you and keeping her options open at the other sites.
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Offline Jumper

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2018, 01:05:18 PM »
The hand tattoo with your name would scare most men off.
Feeling a need to hide a knife, way out there.


Quote
She blamed me for every problem, every misunderstanding.

Stereotypical actually of a agency girl, or princess syndrome.
Easy to find in any country, no need to look in other cultures.


I'm sure the trip stressed her,but really ?
A decent trip to Europe to be ewth youd fiancee?and all you can do is act a spoiled immature brat?
You are silly for ignoring the other red flags and really really lucky she acted out now instead of later.
But you should learn to not try and *work thru it* wtf if you did next time?

The only reason she can be like she is ,is relative attractiveness, which is fleeting.
She's 30 and already on the shelf there.

For your own good and that of your family ,
Run Forest run!  when you see crazy ,dont try and fix it or work with it.
And it doesnt matter where you find it or what package its wrapped in, run!
.lol.
.

Offline jone

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #35 on: June 09, 2018, 04:54:47 PM »
People who undertake this method of dating are so enamored with the pretty outside of the women that they fail to truly assess whether the woman on the inside is worth marrying.  And once the commitment is made, flying to UA or Russia, that they want it to work so badly that they accept things that they would never put up with on their home soil. 

Hey, if a woman is single at the age of 30 in UA, there is certainly a reason for it.  It could be that she was married and recently divorced.  In that case, it is important to find out the reasons for the split.  It could be that she is crazy as a bag of cats.  If the latter is true, run for the hills.  Don't hang around.  Don't see if you can change her.  She will be like that her whole life and while the sex may be good, the long term prospects will drive you to an early grave.
Experience keeps a dear school but fools will learn at no other - Benjamin Franklin

Online msmob

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #36 on: June 09, 2018, 09:38:10 PM »
People who undertake this method of dating are so enamored with the pretty outside of the women that they fail to truly assess whether the woman on the inside is worth marrying.  And once the commitment is made, flying to UA or Russia, that they want it to work so badly that they accept things that they would never put up with on their home soil. 

Hey, if a woman is single at the age of 30 in UA, there is certainly a reason for it.  It could be that she was married and recently divorced.  In that case, it is important to find out the reasons for the split.  It could be that she is crazy as a bag of cats.  If the latter is true, run for the hills.  Don't hang around.  Don't see if you can change her.  She will be like that her whole life and while the sex may be good, the long term prospects will drive you to an early grave.

As Boethius points out - in many cases only living with someone - will you truly know them. 

Hence the expression you will hear in the FSU .."You have to eat 50 tonnes of salt together to really know each other .."



 
« Last Edit: June 10, 2018, 09:07:16 AM by msmob »
The internet, in the end, was not designed to give people the information they need. It gives people the information they want.

Offline gaspar227

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #37 on: June 10, 2018, 09:06:39 AM »
In general I agree, and I ignored red flags, but also we had almost constant communication for 6 months prior to this.  We had talked about almost everything.  Communicating this much you see many good and bad sides to a person.  It was my sincere belief that she would be fine in the situation, but she fell apart.

As far as the 'wrapper' goes.   While an attractive woman, the characterization that I was only hanging around because of this was not the case.  I DID make some allowances in her behavior in the hopes that things would be better when things settled down. 

It was more of the tenacity with which she seemed to want make it work most of the time.   I really think there is something not right in her brain chemistry.  The ups and downs swung too fast and with such huge gaps between one end and the other -- it wasn't just nerves it was something more.  I think when she was home she could mask this, on this last trip it caught up to her. 

Yes she is divorced (quickly) but that was 6 years ago. 

I was hoping that a stabilizing presence would help her to smooth out the rough edges.  I  was wrong.  She's reached out to me a couple of times now, but I'm not going to take go there.  It's exactly as Jone said.  She's a lost cause.  It makes me sad. 

Online BillyB

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #38 on: June 10, 2018, 09:46:42 AM »
As far as the 'wrapper' goes.   While an attractive woman, the characterization that I was only hanging around because of this was not the case.  I DID make some allowances in her behavior in the hopes that things would be better when things settled down. 


It's true men won't put up with any BS from ugly women, it's not true that beauty is the only thing that makes up put up with BS from beautiful women. As you mentioned, you've invested 6 months with this women prior. I'm sure you had sincere hopes things would move in the right direction and love will make a better person out of you and her. Your lady didn't share the same hopes. She didn't want to become a better person. She wants a man to accept her the ways she is. Some women let themselves go and are ugly on the outside and have that policy. Your lady was ugly on the inside and had that policy.
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Offline ML

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #39 on: June 13, 2018, 09:57:45 AM »
It could be that she was married and recently divorced.  In that case, it is important to find out the reasons for the split. 

And how do you suppose you will find the true answer . . . which will not necessarily be her answer?
I still like Ike.

Offline gaspar227

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #40 on: June 15, 2018, 02:04:58 AM »
Yeah, it's done.  put a fork in it and this thread :)

Online BillyB

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #41 on: June 15, 2018, 09:48:16 AM »
Yeah, it's done.  put a fork in it and this thread :)

You did the right thing. There's a better woman out there for you.
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Online Hammer2722

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Re: Sometimes it's better to Listen than to Wish
« Reply #42 on: June 15, 2018, 09:54:30 AM »
You did the right thing. There's a better woman out there for you.

I definitely agree. You dodged a BIG bullet there Gaspar!  :o
every ship can be a minesweeper at least once...

 

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