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Just a little humor to lighen things up around here!!! ;D ;D
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......>
Pass this onTo Someone To
Make Them Smile.
Its Called ........therapy
HOTEL BILL
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explainsthat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims theManager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have." :)
Hope that puts a smile on yer face today!!! ;D ;D ;D
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Generous fellow the hotel patron. ;D
I/O
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Rvrwind - Excellent thread... and completely In Accordance With The Prophecy.. (man I love that one)
Got the mosquito net up and the hair dryer ready for lunch.. Already changed coffee to espresso - gotta kill my own addiction there (but afraid I'd sleep for a week, or be in jail in short order).
Anybody got this guy's number in Boston? :P
Dave
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I felt compelled to share with you the meaning of love & compasion!!! ;D
As I walked down the busy sidewalk,
knowing I was late for an important interview,
my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every
city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags,
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic
bags, my heart was touched by this persons
condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly
looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School
admonition to "care for the sick, feed the
hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved
by some powerful inner urge to reach out to
this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw
a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,
"Reach out, reach out!"
So I did..........
Scroll to next post!
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I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.
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Who is Jack Schitt ??
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
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OH so true!
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Good Laugh
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Rverwind,
funny! Now I know where Daveman got that "in Accordance with the Prophecy" line ;D
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Some radio guy was fired from talking about these
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a thousand and one uses
Bill
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I usually don't make political comments on this board but........
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A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better." I have a 22-year old Russian bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang," and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
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All humor has an element of truth or its not funny.
Bill
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I had a buddy make a bunch of business cards to put on poorly parked cars.
It said
"I hope you don't F*CK like you park because you will never get it in."
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A postal worker came across a letter addressed to God, he opened it and it read;
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two
of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy
food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.
It read......
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post Office.
Edna
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Subject: HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said,
"I outlived the bytches."
A young guy from NY moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in NY."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold Him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down To the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he Said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to the Automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you Sold him A BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his Wife, And I Said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing." ;D ;D
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I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME TIME AND THEN SAID HELLO.
I WAS RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PLACE WHERE I KNOW HER FROM, SO I ASKED "DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW I THINK BACK TO THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO MY WIFE AND SAID "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM THE BACHELOR PARTY THAT I F*CKED ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY @$$?"
SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
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One night in Kiev a drunk men is stopped by a cop while walking (obviously drunk) down the street. The cop stops him Where are you going?
In a slightly slurred voice he says "I'm going to listen to a lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism."
"At night? And who will give this lecture?" asks the cop.
"My wife and mother-in-law will!" He replied.
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Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree
temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
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nice jokes, 2tall! and blue, too :-)
My wife died laughing, and so did I. But she had to 'splain to me the one about the school teacher :-) LOL
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An old couple are sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch, quietly enjoying the warm weather and their own thoughts. Suddenly the old woman reaches over and gives her husband a smack to the side of his head, sending him and his rocking chair flying to the ground below the porch. He slowly gets up, shakes his head a few times to clear it and says." Edna, why did you go and do that?"
She reples, "That was for being such a terrible lover all these years."
The old man pulls himself and his chair back up on the porch and resumes his rocking and his thoughts. Suddenly, he returns the favor, reaching over and smacking his wife on the side of the head. It was her turn to go sprawling onto the lawn. She gets up, looks at her husband quizzically and says, "Bert, what was that for?"
He replied, "That's for knowing the difference!"
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An AM has finally reached his goal and married a wonderful Russian woman. After the wedding they go their honeymoon hotel room. The AM goes into the bathroom to change clothes and when he comes out he tosses his pants to his wife and says, "Here, put these on." She replies, "But Doragaya, I can't wear your pants!" So he says, "That's right, and as long as you understand that, we'll get along just fine."
Now it's her turn to go shower and change for the night. When she emerges from the bathroom, she tosses her husband her panties and says, "Here, put these on." He replies, " But Dear, I can't possibly get into your panties!"
She responds, " That's right, and you won't unless you change your attitude!"
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An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger........
CLICK!..........empty chamber
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and Say's
"your turn comrade".
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual......
CLICK!...........empty chamber
The next year, the Russian visits the African country.
At the very end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year revising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reapear a few minutes later smiling, says "your turn".
The African escorts the Russian through the door.
In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
The Russian is absolutely dumbfounded, "what kind of test of courage is this?!"
The African calmly answers ..........
" one of them is a cannibal".
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A Russian and an American die and they both go to heck. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American heck, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian heck you will be required to eat two buckets of waste," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American heck. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian heck.
One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks.
"Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages."
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What does dog poop and women have in common ????
The older they are , the easier they are to pick up !!
Come on , it's just a joke
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What does dog poop and women have in common ????
The older they are , the easier they are to pick up !!
Come on , it's just a joke
Rock, don't worry this is a humor thread.
Bill
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This was posted in another forum but I copied it here
One afternoon a six years old girl returned from school and announced to her mother
that her fried had just told her where babies came from.
Her mother thought this might be a teaching moment, so she said: "Really sweetie.
why don't you tell me exactly what she told you?"
The little girl began her explanation . "well...okay...It's Like this.
The mommy and the daddy take all their clothes off, and the daddy's penis
sort of stand up , and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and the sot of explodes and
squirts,.... and that's how we get babies."
Her mother shook her head, learned over to meet her daughter's eyes,
Kissed her on the forehead and said: "Oh no honey, that's sweet , but your friend is wrong
That's not how you get babies ......... that's how you get jewelry"
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may Choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, And
are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just
across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and can cook too.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
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Sorry about the F word
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A man comes out of a pub and is walking down the road, obviously drunk. He is holding car keys in his right hand. A policeman stops him; 'Sir can I help you?' Man: 'Officer I can't find my car, they stole my car' Officer: 'Where did you last see it?' Man holds up the keys: 'Well at the end of this' Now the officer notices that the drunk's fly is open. Officer: 'Sir, do you know that you are exposing yourself?' The man looks down and cries: 'Damn it officer, they got my girlfriend as well'
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A man walks into a bar and says: 'Give me six double vodkas' The bartender asks : 'Looks like you had a rough day, want to share it?' The man says:'Well I just found out that my elder brother is gay' Next night he comes in again and demands six double vodkas,when asked he replies:'God, I just found out that my younger brother is also gay' The following night he is back, asks for six double vodkas. The barman says: 'Hey doesn't anyone in your family like women?' The man replies:'Yes, my wife'
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A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink... the bartender tossed him out saying "we don't serve string here"
Outside, the string is all indignant so he unravels himself a bit and loops into a half-hitch, then goes back inside and orders the drink.
Bartender says "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
String says "I'm a frayed knot!" :cluebat:
... The mayor of Phoenix had a big problem. The city was overrun with pigeons. They were everywhere, messing all over the sidewalk and even leaving their droppings on peoples heads. Something had to be done, but he had no idea what to do.
One day a strange man arrived in city hall and told the mayor "I can rid you city of the pigeons" The mayor asked what the fee would be and the man said " I will do this at no charge provided you don't ask me any questions. Otherwise the fee is $5 million.
The mayor agreed, and the man set to work. He went up on the roof of city hall and opened his jacket, taking out a blue pigeon. He released the blue pigeon to the sky and suddenly all of the other pigeons in the city followed the blue pigeon as he flew southward out of town. Two days later the blue pigeon returned to the strange man, and by then all of the pigeons in Phoenix had disappeared.
The mayor was amazed! He went up to the man and presented him a check for $5 million with the explanation that he had to ask the strange man just one question. The man took the check and agreed to the request.
The mayor asked the strange man....
....
......
....... By any chance do you have a blue Mexican?
That's all folks!
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George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop Using so
much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million
less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops
home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant
crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to
Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the
military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his
tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to
serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem
solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to
your friends.
I just did.
George Carlin
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An Italian, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar...
... Bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Definition of Heaven:
An American salary
A Russian wife
An English house
Chinese food.
Defintion of Hell:
A Russian salary
An American wife
A Chinese house
English food!
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuzzy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
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Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOM. Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determine just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had thought it was a golf term. :)
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Well for your information SHIT is a highly technical golf term!
Here are some real facts
shit (v.)
O.E. scitan, from P.Gmc. *skit-, from PIE *skheid- "split, divide, separate." Related to shed (v.) on the notion of "separation" from the body (cf. L. excrementum, from excernere "to separate"). It is thus a cousin to science and conscience. The noun is O.E. scitte "purging;" sense of "excrement" dates from 1585, from the verb. Despite what you read in an e-mail, "shit" is not an acronym. The notion that it is a recent word may be because the word was taboo from c.1600 and rarely appeared in print (neither Shakespeare not the KJV has it), and even in "vulgar" publications of the late 18c. it is disguised by dashes. It drew the wrath of censors as late as 1922 ("Ulysses" and "The Enormous Room"), scandalized magazine subscribers in 1957 (a Hemingway story in "Atlantic Monthly") and was omitted from some dictionaries as recently as 1970 ("Webster's New World"). Extensive slang usage; verb meaning "to lie, to tease" is from 1934; that of "to disrespect" is from 1903. Noun use for "obnoxious person" is since at least 1508; meaning "misfortune, trouble" is attested from 1937. Shat is a humorous past tense form, not etymological, first recorded 18c. Shite, now a jocular or slightly euphemistic variant, formerly a dialectal variant, reflects the vowel in the O.E. verb (cf. Ger. scheissen). Shit-faced "drunk" is 1960s student slang; shit list is from 1942. To not give a shit "not care" is from 1922; up shit creek "in trouble" is from 1937. Scared shitless first recorded 1936.
Source: Etymology Dictionary
Sorry next post will be a joke
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Soon after a WM married his beautiful Russian bride his Mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Russian daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for LyubImaya moyA (my sweetheart) to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My darling loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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A man gets married and all is well with the new couple for a few weeks... but then one night the man is missing his old friends down at the bar he used to hang out in so he tells his new wife that he wants to go have a drink with his old buddies.
The wife smiles and cheerfully leads him to the basement where he is surprised to see that a fully-stocked bar has been installed. "Look" she says "Now you can have a drink anytime you want". The man looks at her and says "This is great honey, but at the bar they have all kinds of little snacks"...
...The wife, still smiling leads him upstairs to the kitchen where she pulls out a huge plate of chicken wings, spring rolls, peanuts and other assorted bar food. "Look", she says..."Here are all the snacks you want, just for you"....
... The man is pleased, but still wants to go out so he says "But sweetie, at the bar they have sports on the TV and I can enjoy a good cigar" The wife, continuing to smile shows him the brand-new 72-inch plasma TV she bought and presents him with a box of Cuban cigars. "Look, Now you can have anything you want right at home" she sweetly coos...
The man, who is desparate now because he really wants to go out says "But honey... at the bar there is cursing"
The wife says "Look" SIT THE F*CK DOWN, DRINK YOUR G*DDAMN DRINK, EAT THESE MOTHERF*CKIN SNACKS, WATCH YOUR BULLSH*T SPORTS AND SMOKE YOUR F*CKING CIGAR. YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE BAR.... GET IT?
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Yeah he should have said he missed his mates
Bill
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.... Always remember, 47.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot!
-
A tall handsome man is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The cute woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
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May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???
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May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???
He's interested! ;)
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He's interested! ;)
Yes, he is interested
Bill
-
Not only is he interested, he also has a goal and the objective is in sight. :cluebat:
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Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...
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Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...
INTEREST:
c.1425, earlier interesse (c.1374), from Anglo-Fr. interesse "what one has a legal concern in," from M.L. interesse "compensation for loss," from L. interresse "to concern, make a difference, be of importance," lit. "to be between," from inter- "between" + esse "to be." Form influenced 15c. by O.Fr. interest "damage," from L. interest "it is of importance, it makes a difference," third pers. sing. present of interresse..." Meaning "curiosity" is first attested 1771. Interesting meant "important" (1711); later "of interest" (1768).
(http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=INTEREST&searchmode=none)
Etymologically, then he wants to be between (sentence object(s) deliberately unspecified);D.
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Memorial Day Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
-
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh!t.
However, we do *not* run that risk when drinking wine (or vodka,rum,whiskey, beer
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Sh!t
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.
PS, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and nobody hears him is he still a bad dog???
-
My exwife had a job parking cars for only one day.
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Dear Abby,
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby sitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
Sincerely,
Tough Love Grandma
-
As told by Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show years ago:
Johnny, in the fifties I got drafted. Just before I had to report
the Rabbi came by for a quick visit. "Buddy, I'll warn you now
about Fort Dix - they serve loads of pork in the mess hall and
I want you to avoid it." It wasn't long before Buddy was trying
out the hot dogs, the chops, the loin. "I loved all of it,
Johnny, I was eating pork three times a day. And when I got my orders
for Europe, I returned to NYC and treated myself to a grand dinner at
Luchow's, the famous German restaurant. I wanted all of it in
one sitting - pig's feet, chops, loin, ribs - so I ordered the roast
suckling pig. After 30 minutes, here it comes: laid out beautifully
on a large silver platter, with an apple in its mouth - when, into
the dining room walks the Rabbi.
With a disapproving glare he asks, "Buddy, what are you doing?
I thought I warned you about the perils of eating pork!"
Hackett explained, "Rabbi, I ordered the Baked Apple! - wouldja
just look at all the trouble they went to?"
-
Groucho Marx was interviewing a tall blonde woman with a German
accent on his You Bet Your Life show. Her name was Helga.
"So, tell me, Helga, are you married?"
"Oh yes, Groucho, very happily!"
"Do you and your husband have any children?"
"Oh yes, we have ten."
"TEN? Why so many?"
"I love my husband!"
"I love my cigar, lady, but I take it out every once in a while!"
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Stress management
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
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Slinky
-
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
A Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again."
-
TFF Bill!
I've been dealing with engineering types all morning :exploding:---now I am dreaming of that stream!
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This kid is amazing. He seems to have written his own material.
If you love Bush and can take a joke, you'll love this. If you hate Bush, you'll love this. If you love Bush but can't take a joke....don't even think about opening this.
http://www.jibjab.com/view/125614
If you have never neen to Jibjab before, be prepared to spend some time there.
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TFF Gator. I haven't seen a dead-on impression like that since Joe Piscopo did Frank Sinatra.
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JOKES FROM THE SOVIET UNION: (RIP)
1.IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG........................Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918
.2.American style of risk: Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France: Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style: Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway
3. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?
4. Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.
5. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."
6. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.
7. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"
8. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."
9. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?
10. When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."
11.Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.
12. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.
13. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.
14. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...
15. Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.
16. A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....
-
Gator posted this survey and I copied it and pasted it here.
MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
-
Rvrwind, here's another one.
Gorbachev reportedly tells this story:
"This guy," he says, "was standing in line for 10 hours to buy vodka, and finally decided to go to the Kremlin to kill Gorbachev. The next day, the guy was back in the vodka line: 'It didn't work,' he tells the others. 'The line to the Kremlin is even longer.'"
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More jokes from : http://www.cla.wayne.edu/polisci/kdk/stuff/jokes.htm
:"These jokes were collected in the winter and spring of 1991 by students of at the Vysoka škola strojni a elektroteknicka (VŠSE) v Plzni, now the University of West Bohemia, Plzeň, Czech Republic. Any errors of translation or interpretation are my own."
There are a bunch of them.
-
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."
-
True story...The last time I went to see my dentist, I said to him, "You must really like George Bush."
He said, "Why's that?"
I responded, "Because...finally there's someone less popular than a dentist."
-
Turkey,
The Czech jokes about socialism are hilarious. Although some are old, many are new to me.
-
All right men... let's take another quiz.
Guy Test
Note: Although this is a test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men, and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for family business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may… How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his " still useable " underwear.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
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Two funny pieces from www.theonion.com
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38517
http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/russia_engages_in_saber
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Bill
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Bill, does it come with optional woofers? Now I'm waiting for the next big announcement of the new "boom box" :ROFL:
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Scott, witty. Is it still referred to as "box"? I think I heard that term first from my father when I was a boy.
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One of my senior surveyors was breaking in a new Rodman/Helper on a job some years ago. He was a little amazed that the company had assigned a woman new hire to the job but thought if she was a good worker he could deal with it. After surveying in a point he needed to drive a stake into the ground to mark the spot precisely, at which time he realised he didn't have the hammer with him. He signaled the new helper with the usual hand signals; he pointed to his eye, then pointed to his knee, and finally made a hammering motion with his hand... The translation of this is "I kneed the hammer"... After a few seconds of thought the new lady helper replied by pointing to her eye, then very seductively massaged her breast for a moment and the grabbed herself in the crotch. The surveyor was totally mystified by this and decided he'd have to walk the quarter mile back the line to find out what that was all about. Upon reaching her he asked what the hell she was doing,,, she explained it this way... I was trying to tell you that "I left-tit in the box".
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Is this true? Is it current? My apology if it is old.
Gates vs. GM
>
>
>At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
>computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
>
>"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
>all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
>
>
>In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating:
>
>If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
>with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
>Twice a day.
>
>2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
>new car.
>
>3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
>have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
>the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
>some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
>car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
>reinstall the engine.
>
>5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
>percent of the roads.
>
>6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
>replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
>light.
>
>7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock yo u out and
>refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
>turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
>to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
>same manner as the old car.
>
>10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off
-
Gator,
Seen that before, but it is still funny!
KenC
-
Blonde guy joke for a change..........
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
-
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly .... he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold. "
" I have a better idea, " she replied " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "
" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!
" Good, " she replied .. " Get your own f...ing blanket. "
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted. !
-
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' Said the madam.
'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive, and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, 'South Carolina.'
'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'
'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
-
Happy Hour In Texas
I was driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!
Bill
-
Lobster Tail and Beer and I though to myself that's great my three favorite things!
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.
-
Just what we needed now, a beer-guzzling arthropod-sex tourist :( ;D.
You crack me up LOLOLOL
Take care,
Bill
-
The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Yuri stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Yuri?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-
Little Yuri watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Yuri. "Giving up?"
***********************
Little Yuri attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Yuri asked, "Pappa, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Yuri, looking worried, said, "Pappa, I think the Neighbor guy wants to buy
Momma."
-
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die." she replied
-
Little Johnny Joke:
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her ." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.
The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
-
random stuff
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Confucious SAY!!!!
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understanding wife
-
A RUSSIAN AND BO, A DUMBASS WRESTLER FROM THIBODAUX, LOUISIANA
WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.
BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, BOUDREAUX'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN.
HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED". BOUDREAUX NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, BO THE DumbASS AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING BOUDREAUX AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.
A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST.
HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR.
HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND BOUDREAUX COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "BO HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE?!"
THEN BO ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF?"
"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."
-
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time,but . ."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
-
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
-
You guys are Priceless.....
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As long as your smilin' Mamma D & not wielding the rolling pin, I am a happy camper!! :blowkiss:
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
-
Ok all...
This is not a joke. This is a true story - and happened to me.
It was 1995 or so. I was 27 years old. At the time I was toward the end of my first marriage. We were fighting often.
I had long hair because my AW liked me with long hair. But I was prior military and didn't care either way. So we got in a fight and I decided I would cut my hair short - military style, just to piss her off.
Living in upstate, NY we had an old Italian barber who cut 60% of everyone's hair in our little town. He had 3 other barbers working there - all old Italian men. I sit in the chair on the end with my long hair - and tell the barber I want a crew cut. He sees my long hair and after I confirm this is what I want he goes to work.
As he is working on my crew cut I notice the other three old Italian barbers splashing hair tonics and elixers on their customer's hair. My barber finishes my crew cut and I notice - for the first time in my life - that my hairline is receeding. Oh my.
So I say to the barber: "It looks like I'm starting to go bald!"
Barber, with thick Italian accent: "Yes - You-a going-a bald-a."
With quick thinking I am looking around for a solution to this problem. Money is no object. I look around and notice that other men had been getting this hair tonic stuff put on their heads. There were quite a few different types of bottles on the counters. Looked like the liquor shelf at a bar.
So I point to the counter with all the tonic and hair products and ask my barber: "What is the best thing for my baldness?"
Barber takes a moment, looks at the hair tonics, then leans in close to me and looks me in the eye. He whispers to me: "Acceptance!"
---true story--- I never had a problem with my baldness past those few short moments. :)
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True story.
My director calls and tells he wants to know the salary.
"The guy is 30 and will be married with three children"
My answer "Don't you think he will get legal problems doing that ?"
Luckily this director had a sense of humour.
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(For the answer, scroll down.)
Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
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:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
I haven't laughed that good in a while
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four and we saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
-
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you; How to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
OMG
I think there's a siren in my house after laughing at this one
Thanks bill.
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Not exactly humor.....But have a look....Beautiful.
http://www.powerofattitudemovie.com/
Peace and love....
Mamma D
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Mamma D,
That was beautiful. I could swear I saw some of those places when I lived in Canada. If not, they were mirrors.
Hope all is going well with you and your wonderful family!
Ken
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Mamma D
Very beautiful and inspiring-Thank you
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Now talk about a bad situation...and making the best of things................almost!
http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf
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Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that
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Subject: Ed
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning", I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him!
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A penguin is drving into town for his weekly shopping and his car starts playing up, coughing, spluttering. No matter, the repair shop (garage in UK!) is nearby, so he drops the car off.
The nice repairman says no probelm, I'll take a look, so the penguin waddles off into town to buy hus shopping.
He reaches the frozen food store and decides to get his favourite frozen fish sticks, but as he looks he falls to temptation and buys four litres of vanilla ice cream instead. And messily scoffs the lot on the walk back to the car.
The car repair man his the car bonnet (hood!) up and he's stratching his head, in that reassuringly expensive way, and say's to the approaching penguin...
'Looks like you blew a seal....'
And the penguin quickly answers, pointing at his beak, 'No, it's ice-cream'..........
-
Here's a classic I posted here before:
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "magic."
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f* *k off.
-
When a man found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, hedecided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
evening he went to a singles bar wherehe spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breathaway.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her, "but in just aweek or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
days later, she becamehis stepmother.
Women are so often much smarter than men...
-
The tax office decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to their office.
The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This
morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p--ss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
-
THE LONE RANGER WAS AMBUSHED AND CAPTURED BY AN
ENEMY INDIAN WAR PARTY.
THE INDIAN CHIEF PROCLAIMS, "SO, YOU ARE THE
GREAT LONE RANGER. IN HONOR OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, YOU WILL BE EXECUTED IN THREE DAYS. BUT, BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE REQUESTS.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE."
THE CHIEF NODS AND SILVER IS BROUGHT BEFORE THE
LONE RANGER, WHO WHISPERS IN SILVER'S EAR AND THE HORSE GALLOPS > AWAY.
LATER THAT EVENING, SILVER RETURNS WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN ON HIS BACK. AS THE INDIAN CHIEF WATCHES, THE BLONDE
ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE NEXT MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF ADMITS HE'S IMPRESSED. "YOU HAVE A VERY FINE AND LOYAL HORSE BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU IN TWO DAYS.
WHAT IS YOUR SECOND REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER AGAIN ASKS TO SPEAK TO HIS HORSE.
SILVER IS BROUGHT TO HIM, AND HE AGAIN WHISPERS IN THE HORSE'S EAR. AS BEFORE, SILVER TAKES OFF ACROSS THE PLAINS AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON.
LATER THAT EVENING, TO THE CHIEF'S SURPRISE, SILVER AGAIN RETURNS, THIS TIME WITH A BRUNETTE, EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE BLONDE.
SHE ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING THE INDIAN CHIEF IS AGAIN
IMPRESSED. "YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF MANY TALENTS BUT I STILL KILL YOU TOMORROW.
"WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST?"
THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
MY HORSE....ALONE." THE CHIEF IS CURIOUS BUT HE AGREES AND SILVER IS
BROUGHT TO THE LONE RANGER'S TENT. ONCE THEY'RE ALONE, THE LONE
RANGER GRABS SILVER BY BOTH EARS, LOOKS HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE AND SAYS, "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY YOU DUMB ASS HORSE. FOR THE LAST TIME . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
-
Q/ What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
A. "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."
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What are three words you never want to hear when you're having sex?
Honey I'm home!! :o
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bear you crack me up!!!!
Bill
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Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"
Australian Foreplay "You awake?"
-
Irish Foreplay: "Brace yourself, Mary!!"
Australian Foreplay "You awake?"
American foreplay......
After I had sex with this young woman many years ago, I said to her "if I had known you were a virgin I would have taken a little more time"
She said to me "if you had taken a little more time I would have removed my panty hose"
-
A babuska gets pulled over for speeding...
Babushka: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Babushka: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Babushka: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Babushka: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Babushka: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Babushka: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Babushka: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Babushka: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Babushka: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Babushka: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Babushka: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The Babushka digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Babushka: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of the story is........
Don't mess with Babushka's
-
Do you really know your theology?
3 MEN IN HISTORY WALKED ON WATER
The 1st one was Christ...
The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...
Then there was this guy, Jose...
-
One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
-
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together
two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,"I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
-
Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
2.Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage roll and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
3. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans
4. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
5. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
6.The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
-
One day little Yuri was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Yana said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Pavel said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Yuri raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Yuri said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Yuri replied, "I was walking past my momma's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
-
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying in...
P.....
E.....
N.....
I.....
S.....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD
DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
-
Something for the "Suthaner's" amongst us.
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Shreveport, La. refinery. A Yankee applied for the
same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question No.4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
-
1:59 minutes long. I liked this one and since this is a humor thread I'll post it here.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnUvw1rzziE[/youtube]
"Because it's extremely farrrrrrr"
Maxx
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A Touching Elephant Story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-
Why do Elephants paint their toenails different colors???
So they can hide in a box of Smarties!!!
Ever see an elephant hide in a box of Smarties???
Works pretty good don't it??? :cheesygrin:
-
Quotes and misquotes...........
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive a car or play golf
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
I drive way too fast and take too many chances to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
One Liner sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Meandering to a different drummer.
-
Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!
-
Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:
http://richard.wright.swellserver.com/news/top_stories/worldrecord.php
-
Thanks Ste. It helps explain allot to me about Richard Wright. A few years ago I called Richard a few times in regard to a certain lady. He was always breathing heavy and seemed out of breath. I just assumed he had a lung condition from smoking too many cigarettes. He seemed distracted. This link explains allot about that. Probably in training for the event. Ste, good cyber detective work!
Maxx
-
Subtle, Maxx, subtle!!
-
Blonde jokes are best in bunches
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
-
TFF :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
Richard, spotted this news headline about you in the Toronto Star:
Your lucky I got a good sense of humor or I'd have to kill ya' LMAO
Wrong Richard Wright but hilarious none the less!! :ROFL: :ROFL:
Draw Slick!!!
-
Not a joke
Too Many idiots & not enough ammunition!!
My Grandfather who is 93, shot an elk in the forest last year (he was only 92 then) and hauled it out with horses, he would never shoot at a quail unless he could hit two of them. Sometimes he only hit one but he didn't aim that way. He also reloaded his own cartridges. When he was 65 he retired and signed a ten year agreement and told me he would not be alive when the agreement was over. He only had one loan in his entire life on a car of all things. He bought his ranch with cash.
But to tie this back to Richards statement about not enough ammunition. Just line them up properly, it saves lead. You can always reload.
Bill
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A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''
''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
-
How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"
Not at all tasty. Doctor's true story.
I was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I asked if I could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
17 Days............ Old blonde jokes
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffee shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Ventriloquist Dummy
Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."
Blonde Jokes
Stranded
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
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Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Why do they call it PMS? because Mad Cow was already taken........
My exwifes licence plate
-
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. A
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Too darn hot....Thank God for Air Concitioning! ^i^
-
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.
She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing .... ........ ....She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
And The case was dismissed... .....!!!
-
... from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words.
"Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home.
Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator.
She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
-
An old joke:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-MART!!!
-
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
The student got an A.
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
-
The danger of giving Up wine
A woman was walking down the street when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for
a couple of dollars for dinner.
Taking out her wallet, pulling out ten dollars asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No,I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she
asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" She asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!"
"Well," the woman said said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won 't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? & I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.
The woman said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
The first woman had a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, got new make-up, bought several new outfits, then dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second woman bought gifts for the man. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She returned the $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. (Men are like that, you know.)
-
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked little Sergie what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked little Yuri what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Pavel what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Pavel thought real hard about it (didn't want to use baby talk), then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
-
A Texas Trooper was driving home after working a 12 hour day when a car came on the highway in front of him at a high rate of speed. The Trooper followed this car for a mile or two then activated his overhead lights to pull the car over, well the car then drove faster and a short pursuit followed before the driver finally stopped about 5 miles down the highway.
At this point the Trooper was mad as hell and he walked up to the driver and told him; " Buddy I've just finished a long shift, I'm tired, hungry and I'm heading home and you're speeding on my highway, give me one reason why I shouldn't arrest you and tow your car.
The driver looks at the Trooper for a minute or so then replies "Well sir there's actually a very simple explanation for my actions. You see 15 years ago my wife ran off with a Trooper and the reason I didn't stop is I thought you were the Trooper she ran off with and you were bringing her back.
The Trooper then told the guy to have a nice day and left
-
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
-
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 . People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 . When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
-
I tried to post something but it didn't work
So I will substitute this joke instead
A crusty old man walks into the a local Church and says to the
Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"
-
Russian humor about America (do not be offended ;))
Two Russian immigrant students decided to pull a prank by letting three pigs loose in their school.
They also painted numbers on them. 1, 2 and 4. Cops spent one week looking for pig nr 3. :wallbash:
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*WARNING POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH ADULT THEMES*
Three guys from different agencies (CIA/FBI/Los Angeles Police Department) are talking to each other at a bar and begin arguing over who has the best technique in finding a person, well after disagreeing for a while they finally decide to meet in the forest and release a particular bunny rabbit and whoever finds this rabbit in the shortest amount of time wins.
The CIA guys wins the coin toss and he goes into the forest first, he offers weapons and amnesty to the first animal that gives up the rabbit, well after two days the CIA guy comes out of the forest holding the rabbit.
Next the FBI goes in and gives money to different animals to be informants and offers a large cash reward to any animal that can help locate and seize the rabbit, after one day the FBI comes out holding the rabbit.
Finally LAPD goes into the forest and the other two guys hear all kinds of commotion coming from inside the forest, well after 3 hours the LAPD guy comes out of the forest holding a beaten and bloody badger that's screaming "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"
I know, I'm a sick puppy and I need help
-
a husband and wife are eating dinner and the husband is feeling a bit smug and he tells his wife;
"Honey I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
to which his wife thinks for a minute then replies "Well, you're a much better lover then your brother"
thank you folks I'm here all week
-
I was going over some old photos and I came across the one below that happened about a year ago.
One night I was driving in an industrial park in my highly mobile crime fighting platform looking for evil do'ers doing evil (there had been a rash of burglaries in this area) when I smelled electrical wiring burning. Well being the highly trained and experienced crime fighting Supervisor that I am, I thought one of the complexes/warehouses had just caught on fire so I began looking for signs of smoke or flame.
I had driven about 4 or 5 blocks when smoke began filling the cab of my highly efficient crime fighting machine, so using my highly efficient deductive skills honed by years of crime fighting, I came to the conclusion that my vehicle was on fire. So having the publics safety in mind I drove another block and parked in the middle of a major intersection so as to allow the fire department ample access to this in progress situation (honestly, shutting down a major interection and irritating my Lieutenant had nothing to do with it ;D )
So after I parked the vehicle dead center in the middle of the intersection I got out and notified dispatch (via my portable radio) to send the fire department since my vehicle was in a combustable status ( No I wasn't smiling when I said this-honest ;) )
At this time flame had started to emerge from the hood as I quickly walked to the passenger side and retrieved my duty bag and other personal items (lunch cooler) and then went over to the sidewalk and set everything down, got my camera out of the bag and took a couple of pictures of the vehicle on fire and then opened a bottle of water .
Well my lieutenant decided to leave the comfort of his office and he (along with about 4 Officers) came with all of their pretty lights flashing. When The Lieutenant arrived he ask if I had been able to retrieved the laptop or the shotgun, to which I replied no, but that I was fine and I was lucky to have escaped with my life (I almost kept a straight face when I said this). The Lieutenant then asked why I wasn't directing traffic, to which I replied "Well sir I think even the most moronic idiot in this fair city could see that there is a police car on fire and sitting in the middle of the intersection and that perhaps they should look for other avenues of travel and that I didn't think me in the middle of an intersection at night with flames blinding everyone would be to the benefit of my health.
So here's the final tally;
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe_1.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-front.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Tahoe-side.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Laptop.jpg)
One police equipped Chevrolet Tahoe - $40,000.00
One Panasonic "Toughbook" laptop - $5000.00
One department issued shotgun - $800.00
The look on your Lieutenants face when he realizes all of the paperwork for the above items and realizes that he can't do a damn thing to stop it-PRICELESS!!!
I love my job sometimes
-
Bear.....
Have you save the "doughnuts" from the fire ?
:ROFL:
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Bruno
Why do you think I'm smiling in my avatar ;D
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This one thanks to Jeff S on our sister board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, there I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no - I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time , but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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9 Things people always do that bugs me,
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote control because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When advertisers say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement on an existing product, then there must have been something before, so it couldn't be new. What kinda moron thought that one up?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone walks up and asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
and finally....
9. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GAWD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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I love airline humor.....
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, saying: "US Air, I think that was my ex-wife speaking".
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This one happened while I was doing touch 'n go's at DAB (Daytona)
many years ago.
Tower: "National 411, we've got an Embry Riddle Cessna downwind, execute a
turn to the right and come around again.
National pilot: "Daytona Control, do you realize it costs National Airlines about
two thousand dollars to make such a maneuver?"
Tower: "National 411, please give me a two thousand dollar turn to the right...."
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Near the Portugese coast:
"Attention US Aircraft carrier, this is Estoril T-21, you are on a collision course please turn to the right."
"Estoril T-21, This is the USS Carrier, we are a large ship to maneuver, we will continue."
"USS Carrier, this is Estoril T-21, You really need to change your course to avoid collision."
"Estoril T-21, this is the Admiral of the USS Carrier, we are carrying 20 armed planes, 400 men and are accompanied by two cruisers and one submarine. We will not change our course for anything."
"Admiral, this is Jose Mourinho from Estoril T-21. I am sitting here with my wife and our dog. If you do not change your course your whole fleet will ram the Portugese coast".
From Russian TV:
The American news you can best watch with some beer and pretzels. For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.
-
Letter from my favorite aunt
Dear Bill,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Hope all well with you,
Your Favorite Aunt
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From Russian TV:
For our news you need Vodka and an empty stomach.
Your Russkie comrade in the frozen north: http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25092.html
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One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.
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One of the introductory letters sent by a man...
My life is fairly simple - I am a 43 year old male Writer and Poet and live in a city called Bendigo in the state of Victoria, Australia. I have 15 months ago become seperated from my fiance of several years and have just recently started thinking of meeting someone else to share my life with.
Australian women are too much about material possessions and not what is in the heart of a man so I have decided to look elsewhere for my perfect mate. Russia has always interested me and frankly has the most beautiful women on earth there.
I enjoy slow walks while musing on Poetry and walking my dog, going out for meals, dancing and romantic interludes with the right woman.
I should tell you that I am not very smart with computers so only have one photo of myself on my computer. The photo is a naked one but it is the only one I have to share right now. If you want me to include this photo with my reply to you then let me know please. I will be getting more photo's soon hopefully.
Serebro, (drasnit) I can't imagine how any woman resist such a great catch! He had a fiance of several years (inability to commit), no real job or prospects, or material possessions or likely to have any in the future. LOL
You could have replied, "DA DA!! send me this photo to the general mailbox at antidate along with your first and last name and address! would you please send all future photos and correspondence there as I am sure you will find your future muse and love soon."
The truth is always funnier then the best fiction.
Take care,
Bill
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The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
-
Thought about posting this in one of the age gap threads, but better here.
KenC
>
>
> GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
> Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
>
> Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
>
> Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
> Between 36 and 4 0, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
>
> Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
>
> Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
>
> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
>
> After 70, she becomes Tibet .... Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
>
> GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
> Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick
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I saw this online in another forum:
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
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I saw this online in another forum:
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
LOL
I am soooooo............stealing that joke
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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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A man sees his attractive, young, blond neighbor going to her mailbox every hour or so and gets curious.
Finally he goes outside and asks her what she is doing.
She tells him she just bought a brand new computer and whenever she turns it on a voice tells her she has mail.
-
A newlywed groom stood off to the side of the reception hall
with his best man. Eyeing the crowd, he remarked, "You know
what? With the exception of my bride, my sister, and my mother
I've had every woman in this room!"
The best man replied, "Between us both, we've had them all."
-
Not a dirty joke..........
TWO Nuns lived at the convent
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down
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I saw this online in another forum:
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?
He stayed up all night wondering there was really was a dog.
-
Dominus Nabisco Cookies
-
I used to have a dyslexic labrador retreiver. Whenever he would fetch ducks he would run across the top of the water never even getting his feet wet.
-
"I am not a gay necrophiliac," declared Ralph, in dead earnest...
-
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes
Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?
Bill
-
Bill,
Mine was so obvious... Of course, nobody else laughed either.
-
Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?
-
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes
Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?
Bill
Yes ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too :thumbsup:
-
Ok, I don't get the last three jokes
Should I have cracked more books and tapped less kegs in College?
Bill
Hmmm... i get these of JB... so, 1/3... not bad for a foreign guy...
Now, one question for 2tallbill ... Are you a real blond guy ? If yes, i understand your 0/3...
:ROFL: :cheesygrin: :ROFL:
-
You mean mine?
Dominus Vobiscum was something from latin class in Catholic school.
We used to say Dominus Nabisco Cookies instead.
Someone else told me he said Dominus Go Frisk Em
-
Yes ;D
At the point when a joke needs to be explained it ceases to be funny ;) (but I really liked Vaughns, and jb's was pretty good too :thumbsup:
I was simply remarking on the unfortunate fact that three fastballs went over the plate
in a row and I couldn't put wood on any of them.
To Bruno: no blonde just brown with grey mixed in.
I don't have alzheimer's but I definitely have part timers
Take care,
Bill
-
Bill, I don't really want to review 13 pages, so tell me: have we covered
the "Neil Armstrong" joke?
None on Neil Armstrong as of yet.
-
Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question.... does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?
While in Ukraine this summer, lots of guys shared jokes with me and laughed and laughed! But to me they were very funny at all. Most that is. Some were :D
Russian humor has to be acquired...
-
Russian Humor is an aquired taste alright. It helps if you know the language, the culture & the history however.
This one should be easy for all. The girls at the office laughed way too much over it.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
-
Now that we have a break in the jokes, I have a question.... does anyone else find the russian jokes translated into English rather lame?
No doubt about it. I spotted this one in a Russian journal, and decided to memorize
it in Russian. It brings gales of laughter when I tell it to a group of Russians, but my
suspicion is that they're just as tickled by my New Yorkskii accent.
A wife tells her husband that their flat really needs sone new wallpaper. "Go talk to
the neighbor - he just finished papering their place." The hubby goes down the hall
and approaches Sergei, asking, "Hi Neighbor! Tell me - we want to wallpaper our
apartment - and yours is identical in size - so how many rolls of paper did you buy?"
"Nine" answered Sergei. So hubby goes to the market and finds a good deal on nine
rolls - and finishes the job that weekend. Trouble was, he had two rolls left over, and
couldn't figure out why. So he visits Sergei again: "I thought you told me you bought
nine rolls. We bought nine, but have two remaining."
Sergei answers, "So do we."
Not hilarious, but it seems to be in the FSU. Or maybe it is my accent and unpolished grammar.
-
Hi! Just couple funny pics... :D
-
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me with the beer bottle!"
-
Paddy and Mick (Irish) were at the morgue to identify Sheamus,s body that had been badly burnt. Paddy goes first and turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "no thats not him". Mick goes next, turns the body over and looks at his ass and says "you,re right Paddy that,s not him". The doctor somewhat puzzled asks "how do you know its not him?". Thats easy says Mick, when we used to go out everybody used to say "here comes Sheamus with the two assholes"
-
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Examples, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil, is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by
teams of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, & it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day:There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
-
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real, and then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
-
This would be funny.....
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=SBOSFJTXIERM&tracking_id=881224&id=575
if it weren't true.
-
A few days ago I was browsing around craigslist looking for info on things to do while in NYC / Manhattan. I found this hilarious thread which is now removed:
MORE advice for woman seeking $500k+ earning man
Reply to: pers-439983703@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 1:57PM EDT
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or
other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
**********
MY ADVICE:
Dear Pers-431649184:
I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom).
I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match.
I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts.
The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow?
What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him.
Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses.
And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour).
I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.
:ROFL:
-
Casual Friday,
-
Ok here is the shortest joke I know. I hope someone will get it.
Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?
Max Factor.
-
Pretty old but funny.
http://www.jibjab.com/originals/this_land
-
good help is hard to find
-
reset!
-
A world renowned professor on human sexuality was giving a speech on how the more sex you have, the happier you are.
To prove his point, he asked all those in the audience who have sex once a day to raise their hands. Quite a few did and they were all smiling and laughing and in general having a great time.
Next he asked all those who have sex once a week to raise their hands and a few more did. They were also having a good time, but not quite as much as the first group.
Then he asked all those who have sex only once a month to raise their hands and those that did, well, they did not seem to be having any fun at all.
And to drill home the point, he then asked all those who have sex only once a year to raise their hands and the only one to do so was this older guy in the front row. But he was buckling over in joy and laughing his butt off.
So the professor went over to him and said, “Hey JB, how can you be so happy having sex only once a year” and JB replied, “Because tonight is the night”!!!
(Note: Scotty, maintain full power to the shields)
-
Handy guy
-
(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)
-
be careful what you wish for...........
-
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
-
Adoption.....
One gives life......birth mother....
Another teaches a child how to live that life.....This is a parent!
-
Not Downloaded
-
****Warning the following Jokes / Cartoons are adult in nature and some may not see them as funny.******
****If you are easily offended then I would recommend not reading the below jokes*****
Hopefully I am not crossing the line too far. Humor is in the eye of the beholder admittedly these jokes are close to the line if not over.
-
Hand(some) bra
-
So many uses
-
Twister for two
-
Moo
-
(http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/Ar5ZRnciPayX.jpg)
Vaughn, you were going to tell an astronaut joke.
Bill
-
:ROFL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
-
hmmmmm.....
-
Global Warming........
-
hold my.......
-
blue balls?
-
Not so hot date
-
Help with translation
-
Good ones Bill
:ROFL:
-
One more stategy to win her over
-
Smells like a new car! ? :cluebat:
-
Blonde joke
-
Make a wish...................... : wallbash:
-
Pretty eyes
-
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for
work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them
out looking for work in two weeks.'
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington
where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking
for work!'
-
:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: As I said in another post, defection is looking better and better
-
Wouldn't you just love to see Hiilary try to take on Yulia Tymoshenko? She would be crawling back to Bill in no time.
-
Rhino
-
Random Questions
IS ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
-
Charley Brown
-
A real Mail Order Bride
(and you said they don't really exist)
-
Who designed this???
-
Female IT experts........
-
Engineers
-
Where is HE going???
-
Unreachable
-
May be some truth here..........
Drafting Guys over 60
I 'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Oh well, he may be OK......
-
Who decided that teenagers have to die for their country? Why not have the leaders play a game of chess and the loser has to keep quiet for a dozen years. With George W Bush it would have to be a game he is capable of comprehending.
-
National Sarcasm Society
-
Clearly priceless
-
What could go wrong?
-
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
-
I think very few would deny that women are not more complicated than man.
-
A very adept man can read subtle body language changes in a woman for example...........
-
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and
public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know
how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into
it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence .
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
-
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"
-
Priceless
-
Blonde moment
-
Adult dog stores
-
Multiple uses
-
24 hours in a day
-
be careful what you wish for
-
same joke told slightly differently
-
never mind
-
lower standards
-
Men and women often think about different things.......
-
male brain
-
to the famous age topic :)
-
Driving test
-
Did you get her number? or was it simply wishfull thinking?
-
The evidence keeps stacking up about global warming!
-
You would not believe all the things I said I would do on this day!
.
.
..
.
.
-
There is nothing like a nice relaxing day wind surfing to take your mind off of lifes problems.............
-
How do these people survive?
01. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't
order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets
02. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.
03. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."
04. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."
05. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
06. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
07. My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"
08. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
09. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room!
I doubt these are true stories but who knows truth is often stranger than fiction.
-
Tillie - Maude - Gertrude
These three old ladies and their dogs, were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far...
-
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
If you are super sensitive about such jokes skip to the next joke
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..............................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is thi s street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
..................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist
-
"Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist"
:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
-
Notice
-
peer pressure.......
-
New Drug
-
Only us.........
-
Smells like..........
-
Some people thought Jack was slightly reluctant to show his committment to Jill. Jill says that no, Jack was just shy...............
-
Hope springs eternal..........
-
re·dun·dant /rɪˈdʌndənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-duhn-duhnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas; prolix: a redundant style.
2. being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part.
3. having some unusual or extra part or feature.
4. characterized by superabundance or superfluity: lush, redundant vegetation.
5. Engineering. a. (of a structural member) not necessary for resisting statically determined stresses.
b. (of a structure) having members designed to resist other than statically determined stresses; hyperstatic.
c. noting a complete truss having additional members for resisting eccentric loads. Compare complete (def. 8), incomplete (def. 3).
d. (of a device, circuit, computer system, etc.) having excess or duplicate parts that can continue to perform in the event of malfunction of some of the parts.
6. Linguistics. characterized by redundancy; predictable.
7. Computers. containing more bits or characters than are required, as a parity bit inserted for checking purposes.
8. Chiefly British. removed or laid off from a job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Origin: 1595–1605; < L redundant- (s. of redundāns), prp. of redundāre to flow back, overflow, be excessive. See redound, -ant]
-
Who has a bad attitude?
-
I wonder why he seems a little short?
-
I am pissed, I always thought this counted...........
-
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
-
I said to sit!
-
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives
in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward
to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and
honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
-
Old joke that has been around a while
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.
-
If you build it will they come?
-
Antidote
-
note to self.........
-
Children...........
-
Gotta love those Tiger Fans..........
-
Florida the Mountain State?????
-
It's important to keep a positive attitude!
-
Easter bunny nightmares......
-
How rumors get started...........
-
A mans first happy moment.........
-
Little Billy often thought his parents sent him to the
wrong school...........
-
True story, I have a collegue who sold windows to a
man named Buster Highman
I gave a bid to a man from from Viet Nam whose name
was Phuc Dat. I didn't get awarded the project.
I had another collegue who sold a man windows who his
name was Ron Heller and his company was named
Heller Highwater construction.
-
Breasts.........
-
more of the same
-
more
-
more............
-
keeping abreast of things...........
-
breast stroke?
-
Motivation
-
Is this subject about tapped out?
-
Testing..........graded pass fail?
-
more?
-
continued..........
-
focus.........
-
pro dater?
-
bad pick up lines...........
-
deeply disturbing..........
-
Stop Staring........
-
reality bites......
-
2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.
-
2tallbill you are the Henny Youngman of RWD.
That's a little more credit than I deserve, but thanks for the nice compliment.
Bill
-
Bill, you, and this thread, are about the only reason I visit RWD anymore. You must subscribe to some sort of "Joke-Of-The-Day" service, nobody can remember that many funny stories.
Keep us laughing.
-
JB your making me blush.
But no, I just tell jokes so it seems when anyone hears a good one they send it to me.
Take care,
Bill
The next joke was sent to me by my friend Charley
-
It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South
Dakota Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or
Mild.
Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old
Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was
Going To Be Like.
Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe
That The Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The
Village Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.
Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To
The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The
Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?" "It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be
Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.
So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More Firewood In
Order To Be Prepared.
A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does It still
Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?" "Yes," The Man At National
Weather Service Again Replied, "It's Going To Be A Very Cold Winter." The
Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every Scrap
Of Firewood They Could Find.
Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again. "Are You
Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?" Absolutely," The
Man Replied. "It's Looking More and More Like It Is Going To Be One Of The
Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen.
"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.
The Weatherman Replied,
"The Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy."
-
I was a tribal cop for several years and one day I was patrolling along the out skirts of the reservation when a saw a car on the side of the road with the hood up and smoke coming from the compartment. I stopped and talked to the driver to offer assistance, he was amazed that I had gotten there so quick since the car had just died.
He asked how I knew where to find him since we were in a remote area and I replied "well where there's smoke, there's engine trouble"
Anther situation
I was at the scene of an accident and the fire department had already left when I noticed a severed toe sitting on the side of the road, well I was a rookie at that time and couldn't think of what to do so I called a toe truck.
Thank you folks I'm here all week.
-
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
Ready?
really ready?
:cluebat:
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
-
At a southern university, students in the psychology class were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”
“sadness” said the student
“and the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Okalahoma.
“Elation,” she said
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, ”what about the opposite if woe?”
The Texan replied, ”Sir, I believe that would be ’giddy up’.”
-
Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
-
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
•If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
•If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
•If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
•If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
•If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
-
An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad........
A few days later he received a letter from his son.......
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.
Love Bubba....
At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba....
-
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
-
DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse? Everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS's with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States. Act like one!
-
Is this the thread for romantic poetry?
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
-
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.
If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.
Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. If you don't have
five friends, you're already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.
-
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
Pregnant Lady
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.
She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"
-
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
-
are they coming??
-
Great philosophical minds wonder.......
-
sorry, it's a little late for halloween jokes........
-
Caption Contest
Winner gets a certificate of comedy (suitable for framing)
-
I will post the photo in a new thread as well.
-
my personal preferences
-
Not Santa but...............
-
can you see?
-
State of Mind
-
Your idea...........
-
1967 vs 2007
This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1967: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair
1967: KEG
2007: EKG
1967: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux
1967: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1967: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage
1967: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM
1967: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint
1967: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones
1967: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office
1967: Disco
2007: Costco
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1967: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test
1967: Whatever
2007: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things...
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?"
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane"
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
-
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
-
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***
If you get indignant anytime somebody makes fun of Hillary please go on to the
next joke.
-
BC posted this in another thread. I thought I would add it here
-
No shirt............
-
Here's a popular one most of you probably already heard of.
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well, what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 30 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn?t reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, "What the hell was that for?"
She says, "That?s for knowing the difference!"
-
Put away the jaws of Life!!
-
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a
motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"
-
Little Johnny comes running out of his Granny's bedroom and exclaims to his mum "Mum, Gran has a Prawn sticking out her private parts!"
Mum, concerned, opens her mothers bedroom door and gran is naked on the bed, asleep, smiling with satisfaction, her clitoris standing proud and erect.
Mum, in explaination mode, hiding her embarrassment says to wee Johnny "No, Johnny, that's just her clitoris...."
Little Johnny says, indignantly, "Funny, it tasted like a Prawn....."
Tones Lowered 'R' Us....
I thank you....
-
:ROFL: Ste you are waaaaayyyy to wicked!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
>the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
-
The Amish Farmer: An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking fromhis pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts:"Trink das wasser nicht.Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says::"Use two hands. You'll get more."
-
Subject: A bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants " After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are , would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
-
Red neck neighborhood watch
-
Bike for sale...........
-
My exwife was a vegitarian, not because she liked animals but
because she really hated plants..............
-
Disney's desperate housewives
-
Look the kids found some new kittens..........
Note this joke originally from AK Mike
-
Not everybody finds the same things funny.........
-
Great business ideas..........
-
Ikea seems to be into all kinds of stuff
-
Golds gym..........
-
Ace really is the place.........
-
Save money on wedding rings ...........
-
Better than Spock???
-
Is this their back up plan?
-
works on the neighbors cats as well.........
-
Q#$%!#$!!!
-
the real purpose......
-
For those of you with a taste for something different. Enter this contest. Not sure what she would do to you but a Hydraulic Wench would sure give you a run for the money. Gotta love those typos... :D
-
Boys are faster scientific proof
-
flag burner..........you reap what you sow.........
-
top of his class...........
-
New words to grow your vocabulary............
-
Golf...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that ..."
-
Blonde Joke.....
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
-
Quality Inns
-
Ineptitude
-
Appropriate considering recent threads about appearances
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Bulldog!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f*uck off.
-
Liquid........
-
Blondes..........
Subject: IS IT BECAUSE I AM BLONDE??????
Body: A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled
"we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4,
but I
counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Asked the girl.
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could
only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!" "Very Good," said
her
Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because your blonde", said the Mommy.
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the
other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to
reveal
a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
-
Here's some politically incorrect humor, if you're offended-oh well
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/getawaywithit.jpg)
Hmmmm, Think Dad might have some issues? lol
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/cops.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/hidingcop.jpg)
And my favorite;
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/speeding.jpg)
-
How to tell if you are married to a Russian woman.
-
I think Gator's woman has finally found a dog she likes.
-
How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.
-
How to tell the bad girls from the good ones.
So she is one of the Good ones?
-
I think that would depend entirely upon one's perspective.
-
I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.
If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....
-
(tapping foot) still waiting, Ste.
-
(Tapping fingers on desk) Waiting as well Ste. If you had any bullocks you'd post it :D
-
I'm currently debating whether to post a joke i was told that is so sick it's prolly gonna get me a ban if I do.
If I don't, I just know i'll be inundated with PM's asking for it you dirty hounds....
I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.
Bill
-
Thanksgiving divorce.......
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
-
From Holly Springs , Mississippi - A seven-year old boy was
at the center of a Marshall County courtroom drama this
morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should
have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten
by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation
requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live
with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also
beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a
way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to Coach Ed Oregron and the Ole Miss Rebels,
whom the boy and the judge firmly believe are no longer
capable of beating anyone.
-
I stole this joke fair and square from Ak Mike
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you
berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he
says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I Want to try someting I have heard
about from other girls... numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken
with corrifrowa?'
-
I don't know...........Ste is pretty twisted. If he thinks it's bad I am absolutely positive that it is.
I will read it if he posts it. Hopefully it doesn't warp my simple mind.
Bill
OK, here it comes, England lost at home to Croatia, out of the Euro champs, means Russia sneak in ahead. There's an 'atmosphere' here...
Right, don't say I didn't warn you...
Dad is sat at home when his six yo daughter comes running in, "dad, this pervert man got me in the woods!!"
What happened? he said
Well, first the man took off all his clothes......
Yes, yes, agitatedly, said her father...
Then he took off all mine, and, and, and....
Yes, yes, yes, dad exclaimed, what happened, I need to know....
I can't remember dad, it's all a blank......
Dad say's, masturbating furiously, "Make it up, make it up!!"
Told you it was sick, this is Ste, signing off from RWD.....
-
Ok, Ste I need to take a shower with two bars of soap and steel wool.
-
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
Corny Joke alert!!
You have been warned!
My friend Stuart hired an illegal from home desparate (Home Depot),
he brought the guy home and gave him two cans of paint
and told the guy "I want you to paint the porch"
an hour later the man came back and said he was done.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked him if he was sure.
The man said jes I'm chure, I even gave it 2 coats.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked again since he thought it
would take most of the day.
The man said jes I am chure but it wasn't a Porshe it was
a Lexis.
-
Optical delusion.......
-
Stupidity
-
Optical delusion.......
This one is a complete crock of Chit! There is nothing in the background! And the text on that picture was so blurry I had to have my son read it to me.... :D
-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
-
Not really a Thanksgiving joke but.........
-
Trendy diet drinks...........
-
FIRST KISS
So...it's your first kiss and
several questions come
to mind:
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is it the right time?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is anyone watching?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Does your partner even want to?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is your breath fresh?
*
*
*
*
*
*
And...should you use some tongue?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Then you lean in and
just go for it!!!!
-
One of those penis enlargements that works..........
-
DNA research!
-
Baby sitting made simple, (please note this is in the joke section)
Watching kids can be a pain in the butt, I am sure especially now around the holidays
that many of you have noticed this. I was the oldest of six kids and the second toughest.
(my brother Rob was the toughest because I could never take the beatings that I gave him).
Any way being in a large family I was often given the task of watching kids that I didn't help concieve, and the only reason given to me was that I was oldest and related to them by blood.
The easiest way to watch a small child is by applying vaseline to the edges of a tub. Then put the little tike in the tub (naked) with a box of cherrios and a couple bath toys. Turn the stereo up a little. The child can't get out of the tub or make a mess, or get too hungry and best of all at the end of the day you simply rinse out the tub, no muss no fuss.
When I got older and had my own car I was still often told that yes I could go somewhere like to an outdoor barbeque or similiar but I had to bring one or more of my siblings with me
I came up with a solution that kept my car clean and free of mess.
Yes you simply roll their fingers in the window, people have often asked isn't that dangerous?
and the answer is that no, although after several hours their fingers turn a little blue and they tend to be happy to see you when you get back and even more beneficial is they don't nag as much to go with you everytime.
-
News Flash......
Mellisa Williamson worries that the noise from the nearby construction
could harm her unborn child.
-
Got to follow the law.........
-
I know this is an oldie.........
-
Free to good home...........
-
I showed up ready to spend $10
But they only wanted to play cards..........
-
little Billy was an adventuresome lad......and when he
grew up he didn't think that Flying 11 time zones to
find true love would be any different.............
Afterall what could possibly go wrong?
-
as Little Billy grew up sometimes he didn't take potential problems
into account after all what could possibly go wrong?
-
Hopefully this is a joke...............
-
Baby sitting made simple part Dva,
(please note this is in the joke section)
-
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration
Idea # 1
-
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration
Idea # 2
-
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration
Idea # 3
-
Ideas for population control have been submitted for consideration
Idea # 4
-
I think this idea has some merit. Think about it solar tanning beds...........
Using the sun to tan........
-
More babysitting tips.........
-
Word Ebonics version
-
Happy Endings
-
Newspaper clippings........
-
Procrastination...........
-
Pessimisism
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
She worked one day (only) parking cars.........
-
My ex was not a good driver...............
-
Mediocrity..........
-
Female Brain............
-
Male Brain...........
-
More babysitting tips............
-
Another Thanksgiving joke...........
-
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asks
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover,
but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
-
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ----
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------- -----------------------
-
overconfidence
-
Oh....and by the way...
-
Prepare for
-
Aim high..........
-
Youthful innocence.........
-
Innuendo............
-
Denial.............
-
Internet arguements............
-
The truth about sexism...........
-
If you can't enjoy yourself...........
-
Rock Bottom..........
-
Sunscreen..........
-
You divided by zero didn't you...........
-
Aim high..........
Is that AJ having a bad day?
-
when you just want to get to the cheese............
-
Women........
-
This one's for you Bill
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/rainbows.jpg)
-
Thanks. :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
-
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
-
http://www.media-download.co.uk/games/gypsy.swf
-
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those A$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes
-
The perfect male..........
-
my parents said........
-
complaint dept........
-
An honest homeless man..........
-
PETA.........
-
Just doin his job............
-
Women are like Pizza's
-
Not a carrot............
-
Hold still..............
-
Does anyone really think Bill Clinton stopped dating?
-
Day at the beach.........
-
recycling that we would like to see...........
-
Lets play carpenter........
-
how fights get started...........
-
You wouldn't have been dumped if......
-
sleep..........
-
snakes and snails and puppy dog tails?
-
The clapper...........
-
I could have posted a something clever here but
I doubt that it's really needed...........
-
There is no I in Drunk..........
-
Things not to say before / during sex...........
-
Snow cone
-
Eat out........
-
The birds and the bees........
-
Redneck swimming pool......
-
Find her.......
-
The Pointer Sisters...........
-
My friend Melissa sends me the corniest jokes. I am only posting this because
it takes corny jokes to a new level.
One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet.
The Vet takes one look at the dog and says: "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead..."
"Nooo. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.
The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says: "Meoowwww"
The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."
Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."
The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking: "Woof roof woof"
The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."
"$400 to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.
"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."
-
Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address... ;)
-
Bill, I think it might be time to block Melissa's e-mail address... ;)
She also sends me these sweet little stories.......
A sweet little story.............
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.
Since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint, and were Jewish,†she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a valentine to?
Osama Bin Laden she says.
Why Osama Bin Laden? her father asks in shock.
Well, she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe were not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love everyone a lot. And then he would start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.
I know, Melissa says, and once that we get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker.
--Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
-
Dan posted this in another section, I somehow messed up the link
Quote
Unbeknownst to most Americans, there is a unique bra that only foreign women can wear, only when they come into contact with American men. It is called the immigration bra, or ImBra, and it is available free of charge from an exclusive source: the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) of the US Department of Homeland Security.
The ImBra is a pernicious, illegal support garment with a unique, dual-purpose design: it lifts the status of foreigners above that of Americans, and it creates deep cleavage between American men and their civil rights. When an American man examines the ImBra, he will question everything he ever believed about the greatness and legitimacy of the US Constitution, and the government that supposedly adheres to its precepts.
For the full article, click here -- http://thenononsenseman.m...07/05/13/unhook-that-bra/
- Dan
-
Here are a couple of Russian jokes translated to English.
Most didn't translate well, I am listing my favorite of the bunch.
Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day?
Nothing. I'm a volunteer.
At a football match one of the fans asks a boy:
Where did you get money for such an expensive ticket?
My father bought it
Why didn't he come with you?
He is at home. Looking for the ticket...
It is well-known that 20% of people do so much work as other 80%. However, it is not so well-known that 80% of people think that they belong to these 20%.
One farmer asks another:
- How come you cow gives 100 liters a day?
- You should be kind and tender with your cow. In the morning I come to my cow and ask her: "What do we have for today: milk or beef?"
A young man went to work for the police department. Everything seems to be ok, except for one thing - he never asked for his salary after over three months of work. When the head of the department asked him why didn't he pick up his salary check, he said:
- Wow! Didn't know you pay a salary here. I thought, you gave me the gun and the rest is up to me.
- My father says that it is better 'to give' that 'to get'.
- Is your father a priest?
- No, he is a boxer.
Knock at the door. The husband opens the door and sees his neighbor with a sheet of paper. The neighbor asks:
- Do you want to take part in a group sex?
- Well... who else takes part?
The neighbor looks at the list and says:
- Me, your wife and you.
- No way!
- Ok. Then I will cross your name out.
- Why is your baby screaming so loud? Maybe it wants something...
- Yeah! It wants to scream!!!
If you are afraid of putting on weight, you should drink a glass of vodka before the meal. Vodka dulls the fear.
-
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
-
Cell phone camera bandit busted...........
-
I was wondering when they would get around to opening one..........
-
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" I am sorry if I disturbed you,"
She replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.
"The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking Anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
-
From the Russian Show KVN:
Vladimir Putin:
I went to India recently.
Let me tell you the Kama Sutra is nothing.
At least when you compare it to the Russian Constitution.
-
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother ' s labor pain to the baby ' s father.
He asked if they were willing to try it
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband ' s blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was
doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued
to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
-
Beer holders
-
Guns don't kill people.........
-
doggie style.......
-
beer.........
-
Beer holders
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ? :D
-
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
-
"Circumcised"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his "private part" hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school
-
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Obviously........
-
An 8-year-old and a 6-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 8-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 6-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 8-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 6-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
-
:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
-
Anger management...........
-
First Woman on the moon...........
this will not make sense to youngsters............
-
Porn for the blind.........
-
One small problem?
-
WHAT DO DEER THINK?
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother'?''
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'what I am going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French.'
The interview ended at that point
-
Office Rumor............
-
Scratching, belching, you know man stuff........
-
Moving tips...........
-
I was the oldest of 6 kids and often had to baby sit my younger brothers and sisters.
Baby Sitting Tip # 127
Tell them to stay behind the box!!!!!!
-
Did you hear about the Texas Sheriff who came into his office on Christmas Eve to find a little Christmas tree on his desk. The tree had been stripped of all leaves and needles, and adorned with a single .45 Colt bullet hanging from the topmost branch.
The Sheriff asked; "WTF"?
The Deputy answered; "It's a Cartridge In A Bear Tree".
-
Subject: Birthday Message
Click on the message, sit back and listen. See you
there!
Message
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/xmas.htm
May this Holiday season find all of you well, busy and expectant of the New Year!
-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOpppps Sorry about that atttachment :(
-
Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids.........
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
?
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
******** ************
?
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
?
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you Dumb Ass'
********************
?
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs
For breakfast again.
********************
?
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
?
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay
********************
?
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
-
Scott, I am totally stealing those rhymes.
-
Beavers Galore!!
-
Don't yell from across the house!
-
Fart Jokes all guys have to tell them.............
-
Leg man myself.........
-
Big bang!
-
Replaced again..........
-
One protest...........
-
favorite shirt
-
She complains about every little compliment, and somehow twists it
to mean something else.........
-
Censored..........
-
It's gotta come out anyway...........
-
He doesn't get it...........
-
Keep getting mixed up..........
-
not the best bedside book for your wife..........
-
Hey it's not a doll it's an action figure...........
-
It's a little hard to pull one over on Fred..........
-
The child wasn't planned he was an accident...........
-
It's all a matter of how you look at it.
-
trisexual..........
-
Curtains..........
-
Quickie
-
Not a cookbook?
-
Beware of Dog.............
-
Another joke about the Frogs.........
-
Veggies...........
-
Jokes / cartoons on Posts 535, 537-559 are the property of Cartoon Stock
They were not designed, written and certainly not owned by me.
-
A useful aid for the upcoming festivities ;).
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM | PROBLEM | CORRECTION |
Feet cold and wet. | Glass held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
Feet warm and wet. | Faulty bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
Drink unusually pale. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backwards. | Have yourself lashed to bar. |
Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
Alcohol tasteless,front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another drink. |
Your singing sounds distorted. | The drink is too weak. | Have more alcohol until your voice improves. |
Don't remember the words to the song. | The drink is just right. | Play air guitar. |
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. | You are dancing on the table. | Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
Drink is crystal-clear. | It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up. | Punch him. |
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. | You have been in a fight. | Apologize to everyone you see, in case it was them. |
Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. | You've wandered into the wrong party. | See if they have free alcohol. |
-
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
-
Small package???
-
Died Laughing..........
-
Big Feet.........
-
Dill ???
-
Holiday Tips.........
-
Ho Ho Ho ...........
-
Fruit Cake.........
-
They are fakes!!
-
Well Hung..........
-
stick up
-
Stick up Dva........
-
Not a good sign...........
-
Why don't you buy me balloons?
-
Secret powers!
-
Lesbian...........
-
joke............
-
Smell the roses.........
-
Vaseline
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet .
He said, "I'm doing, some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
-
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
The Golfer
While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?
"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't," he promised.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said, "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm ""still"" a hole behind you."
-
Two Sides To Every Story
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up.
Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
Played badly today-shot 87-can't putt for crap. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
-
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
-
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.
I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"
-
Whoops.........
-
Snow flakes..............
-
Missing you...........
-
The ass family............
-
Sexy towels............
-
Making babies in public!!!!
-
Nothing like a great view!!
-
The difference between what men and women see in the mirror.........
-
Another blonde joke.........
-
Wag the tail.........
-
He renamed them.......
-
It looks like a double.............
-
Just let it go........
-
I need to supervise............
-
A lady friend of mine told me that she wanted to be the proper wieght for her height.
I told her to start with a crash diet and six inch heels.
-
I couldn't get the guys in my company to read the sexual harassment policy. I finally came up with a solution.
-
Handy bra..............
-
A Condensed Version of History
For those who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
Have a great day!
-
:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: TFF JB, The truth must hurt!! :cluebat:
-
Amazing that as all women should be liberals according to this world history, conservatives still manage to get elected now and then. :P
Shadow
- conservative in his country but liberal in the USA
-
Spoken like a true girlie-man liberal. You need to go buy yourself a shotgun and go kill something to BBQ. ;)
-
Spoken like a true girlie-man liberal. You need to go buy yourself a shotgun and go kill something to BBQ. ;)
PETA = People eating Tasty Animals..................I don't pay dues but I must be a member.
-
I always thought lettuce was put to better use as bait for the cow :D
-
DRUG PROBLEM ANSWERED!
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.
-
peeping tom
-
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on it. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure how to get those pajamas off."
-
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
-
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron
-
There once was a man from Languini,
Who accidentally spilled Gin on his weenie.
Not to be uncouth,
He added Vermouth
And slipped his wife a Martini…
There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!
-
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
-
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, one from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of their tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. Upon discovering they were all contractors, the guard said to them, “Hey, we need some work done on the fence in the back…care to take a look and give me an estimate?”
Mr. Florida stepped up first. He took out his tape measure and pencil, whipped out a pocket calculator, and after a few moments replied, “Well Sir, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Mr. Texas was next. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some math, and came back saying, “It’ll cost you about $700: $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $100 profit for me.”
Without moving an inch, Mr. New York immediately said, “$2,700.”
Taken aback, the guard looked at him incredulously and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How in the world did you come up with such an astronomical figure?!?”
“Easy,” Mr. New York replied, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you…and we hire the guy from Texas.”
-
A man goes to a psychiatrist because of his total obsession with sex.
The psychiatrist sits him down and starts showing him pictures of ink blots.
Every time the man sees an ink blot picture, he tells the psychiatrist that he can see a naked woman.
"This is incredible," says the psychiatrist. "Whatever test I give you, you see a naked woman. You really do have a problem."
"I have a problem?" replies the man. "Your the one showing me all the dirty pictures!".
-
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey , they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough . After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no . Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no . The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue . The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth . As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there “Hind Lick Maneuver” but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
-
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
-
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
-
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."
-
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.
"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.
"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
-
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 180
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 181
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
DAY 182
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little cat I was Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 183
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is, obviously, a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
-
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
-
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
-
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
-
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crаp on it's head."
-
Two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."
So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.
So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.
And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.
A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"
"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."
"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"
-
Three men, an Englishman, a frenchman and an american, are walking along a beach together one day. They see a lantern and a genie pops out of it saying,'i will give each of you one wish.'
'Oh boy,' says the yank. 'I want me a pick-up truck.'
In the blink of a genie's eye, a brand new pick-up truck appears before them,with a gold plated grill, alligator-hide seats and flames down the sides.
The frenchman, amazed, says, 'i want a wall around france, so no-one can enter our country.'
Suddenly, a huge fall appears around the frenchman's precious country. The englishman says,'i'm curious. tell me more about this wall.' 'well,' the genie explains, 'it goes all around france, its about 150ft high and about 50ft thick, and nothing can get in or out.'
'Right,' says the englishman. 'i want to fill it up with water.'
-
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
-
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate - not to romantic, and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
-
Crazy Bear Don't read this joke!!
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
-
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
-
Knock On Effect Of Northern Rock
The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose- dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.
Just thought you ought to know!
-
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the side walk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
-
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
-
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"
"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."
So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. That night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...
About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a litlle boy asking what horny pills are for…
"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.
"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"
-
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-
Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fu*k herself!"
-
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
-
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
-
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
-
the pointer sisters use this service........
-
This one is especially for Simoni 'cause I know how much he loves his techno-gadgets! :cheesygrin:
http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm
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Thanks, Catz! I love that model and I gotta have it! It has three features my iphone does not have! ;D
I could have used the self-destruct function at least twice last week.
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Men and women think differently.............
-
I might have already posted these
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/speeding.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Rudolph.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/elements.jpg)
And this is how radar is run in Texas
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/Texasspeedtrap.jpg)
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Hurry honey...........
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Ironic..........
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Your lucky day............
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cooking socks............
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the hazzards of beauty.............
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Charley Brown.............
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whoooooppps........
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women always make these rules for us..................
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DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied,
"What happened to my booger?"
-
for you Bill
(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/7.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/17.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/13.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/rude/2.gif)
-
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.
One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
'Oh?' said her friend, “Don't you have a vase?”
-
IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.
The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"
"Oh!! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
-
don't ask don't tell...............
-
sounds a little fishy.........
-
so shes a mutant.........
-
everyone can't play quarterback...........
-
how much to............
-
The game has been around for a while............
-
unsexy??
-
everyone likes bad girls.........
-
the awful truth........
-
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, He's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
how come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as He's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, are you going to tell him, or should I?“
-
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the men.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"2," said the customer.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant, "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way" insisted the other. "My wife won twice last week."
-
Redneck bra.........
-
2tallbill,
Have you ever been on the stage?
There's one leaving at 2:30.
-
2tallbill,
Have you ever been on the stage?
There's one leaving at 2:30.
Am I getting run out of Dodge again?
Take care,
Bill
-
door knockers...........
-
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
-
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"
-
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
-
Lawyer jokes.......
-
Corniest Pickup lines..........
-
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
What's a Billion?
This is too true to be very funny
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?
A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D.C. .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??
Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom!'
And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
AND NOW WE ARE THE MOST IN DEBT OF ANY COUNTRY ON EARTH!!!
What happened? Can you spell 'p-o-l-i-t-i-c-i-a-n-s?!'
-
Ladies apparel
-
The first step...............
-
Bill
You need some serious psychological help :-\
-
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
************Warning Joke that might have political implications. (making fun of tax and spenders from any party)
What's a Billion?
This is too true to be very funny
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?
A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D.C. .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??
Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom!'
And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
AND NOW WE ARE THE MOST IN DEBT OF ANY COUNTRY ON EARTH!!!
What happened? Can you spell 'p-o-l-i-t-i-c-i-a-n-s?!'
Or by analogy, spelled Krispy Kreme. Enron never made it back or the Roman empire for that matter.
Christian
-
Arrive at your own conclusions! :cluebat:
Mamma D
-
Missed this one!
-
Missed this one!
Page one post # 11
Take care,
Bill
-
Bill
You need some serious psychological help :-\
What did I do this time?
If it was about the political thing, I posted something someone else sent me.
Believe me, I love my country, I think I live in the best most wonderful, incredible
country to have ever existed. That being said I think that tax and
spending are out of control and we have other problems as well. Like some politicians
don't want to punish criminals or want them to vote.
I know this isn't a political forum and this thread is NOT a political thread. Sorry folks I
will get off my soap box now.
Just my two kopecks
-
What did I do this time?
I was bustin yer chops about the diamond pooper joke ;D
-
Caution to the Newbies
-
For the Texans Among Us:
-
This guy wasn't so lucky when his toilet paper did not cooperate.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCuIYLKMLfA&feature=related[/youtube]
-
This guy wasn't so lucky when his toilet paper did not cooperate.
Musta been a myopic donkey let loose from Nuevo Laredo.
That was just TOO funny! :ROFL:
- Dan
-
Jeff Dunham and Bubba
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iMd8Pm-2EE&NR=1[/youtube]
-
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
"Good trade...."
-
OMBs ;D
-
Installing a Husband 101
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter
the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2
and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
-
Idiots 101 yes using flip flops to float a power strip
-
Idiots 101 yes using flip flops to float a power strip
That looks like a European outlet strip - which, if true, operates at 220v instead of the US standard of 110v. Packs quite a wallop, and in the water like that, I would imagine it could produce a deadly jolt.
I hope someone with some sense got those guys out of the water and corrected that idiocy.
- Dan
-
Hmmm. Water, electricity, alcohol. Not a good combination. Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stero so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with. But then, one small splash and their "gene pool" is gone forever.
-
Also, it appears the setup is being used by what looks like a business machine not a stereo so these guys are actually businessmen? Not someone I would want to do business with.
Pretty sure that's an electric griddle ;)
-
Ok. I stand corrected. I guess they were heating it up to be used as a pool water heater.
-
Pretty sure that's an electric griddle ;)
Yes, it's an electric grill / flat bed scanner for sending butt cheek scans back to the home office or toasting buns.
Its a vital and necessary feature of any truly serious pool party.
Of course they are drinking piva (beer) from glass bottles which the combination of glass, electricity (preferably high voltage) and high amounts of alcohol consumption while individually could be considered dangerous but when they are all three combined together simultaneously it actually enhances safety.........................................................
.......
.................
(of polluting the gene pool)
In addition it should be remembered how safe and beneficial it is to have a good very very hot (enough to cook raw food) heat source near slippery surfaces (like a pool) while wearing safety clothing such as swim wear. What they really need to do is to put up a volley ball net in the pool as well and doesn't anyone bring fireworks/guns/chainsaws or poisonous snakes to parties anymore?
-
I venture into this thread with some trepidation.
The Idiots 101 joke reminds me that is the magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed to honor the least evolved among us.
WHAT AMAZES ME IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WALK AMONG US
(sorry, no photos, requires the art of reading)
Here is the glorious winner:
>> 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
>> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
>> 3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
>> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ....$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
>> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."
>> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
>> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>> In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family ... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
-
Gator,
I love these awards every year! At leaset the "winner" will not be able to procreate, Thanks for sharing.
KenC
-
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/iraqiphotos.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/acrzybear/bombguys.jpg)
(http://bestsmileys.com/darwin/2.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/darwin/3.gif)
-
Funny commercial for Berlitz language courses
[youtube=425,350]Cu-hW75wF4E&rel=1[/youtube]
Another good clip
[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]
-
Some advice for the ladies ;D (I've typed the important ones in bold)
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
(There's more than 25)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Birthday, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find
the perfect present, again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.
10. Shopping is not a sport.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is black mail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
16. Your brother is an idiot.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a
calendar.
18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult then peeing from point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be
any good choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
20. Yes and NO are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best freind.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective then deceived.
26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
make you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Lets us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done...not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their breasts stared at.
36. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
37. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
the magazines.
38. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
going out.
39. Anyone can buy condoms.
40. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
-
Another notable geneology search effort....
Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!". Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap"
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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Another good clip
[youtube=425,350]D-dwDhvHE_I&rel=1[/youtube]
This one is SO funny. My stomach hurt and tears came to my eyes from laughing so hard.
Great find!
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Subject: Fw: FUNNY - FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
These are actual quotes taken from Federal employee performance evaluations.
In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.
After 8 years of working there I am in the middle of advanced retraining just to be able to figure out the difference between my @ss and a hole in the ground. Half way through the year long therapy I now know what a hole in the ground is... :D
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A blonde went into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect.) 'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man .
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did.
'Now take down my zipper'. She did.
'Now go ahead ... Take it out....' he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said . . .
Mom can you hear me?
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In my time at the Federal Reserve each and every one of those comments would have required a promotion to management. Some to Sr. management.
Ahhhh THAT explains why I'm not as smart as I was before my promotion 3 years ago and why I can't get promoted to Lieutenant. I thought of dumbing myself down, but I couldn't bear the thought of becoming a Democrat. ;D
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Play ground.......
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The light at the end of the tunnel.....
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get bent.........
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Even at a tender age little Billy looked up to women.........
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And even today Little Billy has changed very little.........
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Jihad........
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Another little Billy photo......
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never a silent night..........
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VOTED BEST JOKE IN AUSTRALIA
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
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Hooked on Crack
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Red Neck Bra
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Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.
Warning I may have actually went too far this time. If the mods want to remove this
you will not get any argument from me.
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First correct answers wins a prize:
1. Why is this policeman stopping the motorcylce?
2. In what country was this photo taken?
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what's the prize? ;D
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1 woman not wearing helmet
2. Czech Republic
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Yes, 2tallbill, tooooo far! :(
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1) Imparing the ability for others drivers to drive/Creating a hazard on the road.
2) Czech Republic.
When can I pick up the million dollars?
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BC, correct!!!
I should have excluded our members in Europe.
The prize is a long list of sincere, beautiful women just dying to meet you. Two problems: all are 40 or over and BC needs the list as much as I do.
When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner. Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant. So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost. He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.
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When in Italy again, I'll take you to dinner. Sandro and I enjoyed our dinner together at a fine family operated restaurant. So far off the beaten path that I think Sandro was lost.
Well, I'd never been in that remote area of Parco del Ticino before, and you must admit that the map is rather simplified (http://www.lavecchiatrattoria.it/) ;).
He will not admit it but we passed the same intersection three times.
It was only twice, I stopped to ask directions to some cyclists, and you were pissed off because of some recently-departed Cossack, IIRC, which may have clouded your recollections ;D.
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2nd Best Canadian Joke of the year...
An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the
States, waiting for their luggage.
The wife happens to notice an oddly dressed man also waiting.
She asks her husband where he thinks the man is from.
The husband says he doesn't know.
He decides to ask the man and approaches him.
"Where are you from?" he asks the man.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" he replies.
Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
"Well, where is he from ?" asks the wife.
"I don't know" replies the husband. "He doesn't speak English." :cluebat: :cluebat:
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FUNERAL PROCESSION:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200
women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and
said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied,
"My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further,
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered,
"My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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Old prospector.
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to
the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the
old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance.
I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down
both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted
to."
Don't mess with old farts . . :crackthewhip:
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Subject: Veterinary Medicine
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the cow's body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor, the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body".
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually all took there turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "the second most important quality is observation".
"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."
Now learn to pay attention, "Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
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A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh!t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh!t like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
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Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine
1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds
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Another blond Joke......
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog that has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'
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One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'
'Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.
'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! '
'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
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A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off." "No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins." So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory." "Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married." "Then how do you account for all of these things?" "Simple, Did you ever go into a Pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"
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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills.
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Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school
in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would
put them back.
Finally the principal decided that somethi ng had to
be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.
There are teachers ........................... and then there
are educators.
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Achievment
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ambition.............
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Tammy Faye Bakers older sister got her interested in make up at an
early age..............
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Discovery.......
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Pretty funny
[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=jWrj9TaA0Mc[/youtube]
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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I've heard about this but until today had not seen the videos. Wonder if RW will find it funny?
HER SONG:
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=wnVJZkDuVBM
HIS RETALIATION:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGa29kPBbp4
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****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****
****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****
****Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming********Warning Corn-ball joke alert coming****
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
-
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...
-
Letter to used car dealership
"Usually I wouldn't get mad if there were something wrong with the used car I bought.
However yesterday I got furious because my wife wanted to move home to her mother - and the damn thing wouldn't start..."
-
Perspective......
-
Don't bring your daughter to work
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
Armed with the Bible
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.
Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Cage, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........
"I'll be Bach."
-
Night at the barn
A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
-
The curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Lying bastard
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
At the doctors office
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
-
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada .... I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
-
Women are proven mathematically to be problematic............
-
hmmmm....
-
Ok, how often were you thinking of posting this when reading a newbie post or during a
argument about politics (or an age thread). Now you can refer to this sign.
-
definition of a bad day!!!!
-
*UP OR DOWN SEX** *
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
0lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
'f*ck or drown.'
-
An 85 year old man gets married to a young, sexy girl that thinks it will just be a platonic affair with no sex because of his age. But, about 10 minutes after she is in bed, he comes in and they have exellent sex. The man leaves the room, and comes in about 30 minutes later and they have sex again. The girl is astonished, but even more astonished when he comes back in 30 minutes after this and they have even more sex. When they are done, she tells him that she is amazed that he can have sex so often in one night.
"You mean", he says, "I was here before????"
-
If men designed the bra.....
-
For Sale: Can't afford to maintain anymore... Going to school. High mileage,
worn out interior, loud, lots of modifications, used to be fun but now its
boring, not very reliable, but takes a licking and keeps on kicking, test drivers welcome.
Best offer. Call Rob @ (905)822-XXXX, or if you want the car call (416)754-XXXX.
-
The Rude Customer
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
-
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the f*ck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"
-
The Barber and Rome
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”
“What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get that crappy haircut?”
-
Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Alternate.........."Well I want donate one of my testicles to science"
-
Deathbed Honesty
A man is lying on his deathbed. His wife sits at his bedside holding his hand and praying silently. He looks up and says weakly, "There's something I must confess, my dear."
"There's no need to," she replies.
"No," he insists, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replies. "Now just be still and let the poison work."
-
The Wife and the Bull
A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”
They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.
“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”
The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”
The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”
-
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion, and Company
Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure."
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.
With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted corps.
-
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read, "....and Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The Sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked
the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "He said
Holy Sh!t a talking chicken!"
-
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice. "The big sissy"
-
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him. "How do you
expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
"For Heaven's sake Dylan come in or stay out!"
-
A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd
found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you
know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move" answered
the child innocently. "You Did What!?!?!?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.
"You know" explained the boy. "I leaned over
and went Psssst! and it didn't move"
-
A guy goes to the barber and he brings his little daughter.
She stands next to the barber chair eating her snack cake
The barber says "little girl you are going to get hair on your
twinkie".........She says "I know and I am going to get boobs too!"
-
Cap Locks
-
Breast exam............February is breast awareness month.
we stare because we care
-
whoooooopssss.........
Buttox
-
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
***Warning Corny Joke Alert***
-
he is a dead man.........
-
Mans best friend and corny joke........
-
He got his 72 virgins alright........
-
I'll get in line......
-
Boob jokes don't really have to be that funny (if you provide a photo).....
-
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others.
Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"
-
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
-
A robber enters a bank and shouts:
- Everybody freeze! It's a f*ck up!
- Do you mean, it's actually a stick up? one of the clerks asks meekly.
- No! I mean it's a f*ck-up! I've forgotten my gun at home!
-
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Warning Twisted Joke Alert!!!!!
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"WOW!!!!", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
-
Risky.........
-
Pragmatic.......
-
Remote control.......
-
Whipped......
-
Hillbilly love...........
-
Code breaker......
-
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you. I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well. After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend. For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him. Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.
Just keep them coming. Thanks for the reading!
-
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you. I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well. After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend. For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him. Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.
Just keep them coming. Thanks for the reading!
I don't know if I have ever received such a nice compliment.
I wish I could show this story to my various teachers (kidding) who thought that my joking around would cause me great peril someday.
I wish all the best for you and your Dad.
Udachi! (good luck)
Bill
-
Bill, I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes
Simple to get an idea, when you see this thread in a tabular listing like "View unread posts", you'll see a column at right entitled "Views" (it now shows the figure 12,605) ;).
-
Safety First !!!!
-
Safety First !!!!
-
Safety First !!!!
-
***Warning political joke***
***Warning political joke***
"While talking to my friend in Denmark he says he can't figure out why we are even bothering to hold a presidential election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, or a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"
-
Bill,
I have no idea who else comes and checks your jokes but I wish to share a small story with you. I do not wish to make this a sad spot but my father is not well. After a bad round of chemo last week, I was helping him to bed and tucking him in this weekend. For some reason I remembered your "this is a F up!" joke and relayed it to him. Not sure if he went to bed with a big smile because of the timing of a silly joke or because it struck him as it did me.
Just keep them coming. Thanks for the reading!
Actually... I was just thinking I was going to publicly thank bill for his contributions to this thread. So I guess I will!
Thank you! Very much appreciated! Been reading it since the beginning.
-
You guys are making me blush .............LOL.
I asked a genie once to make me irresistible to women..........
-
I was the oldest of 6 kids two brothers and three sisters.
So I got more than my share of the house work. If only I thought
of this back then!!!!
Baby duster
-
Kinda ironic isn't it..........
-
Good parenting........
-
Brrrrrrr...........
-
Sad but true......
-
Art
-
Butterface...........
-
I was the oldest of 6 kids two brothers and three sisters.
So I got more than my share of the house work. If only I thought
of this back then!!!!
Baby duster
This is really good Bill! ;)
-
Do the Brits ever get tired of being red-faced. First the Heathrow Terminal debacle and now this new Government Agency logo.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1901656/OGC-unveils-new-logo-to-red-faces.html
-
Gotta love them Brits! I particularly liked this quote, which was apparently said in all seriousness, "...it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”
-
2009 Tax Code ......
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding
12' must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4'
is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !
-
Romantic thoughts..........
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
-
**Warning the following jokes have been stolen fair and square from AK Mike**
Woodpecker Wisdom
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term
woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
* * *
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.
)
* * *
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
* * *
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
* * *
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
* * *
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
* * *
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
* * *
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
* * *
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Creation vs Evolution.
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children
And so was all mankind made.
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Drinks in Ireland
'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'
'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Money Talks!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal?"
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
-
you suck........
-
Note this joke belongs to Tedd Goff
-
Warning Corny Dirty Joke don't read if you are easily offended!!!
Laying Off Sarah or Jack
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
-
Dumbest Criminals.....
<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZXaxE42OTA4&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?
-
hmmmmmmmmmm............How do I embed a youtube video?
Don't try the embed feature at youtube, simply hit the youtube button above the "reply" box here, and copy/paste the URL of the youtube webpage you want to show.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]
and you get:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXaxE42OTA4[/youtube]
-
Thanks Jet.............
****Warning next joke has a sexual word in it****
Two Southern Belles are having lunch and one says to the other, "Livvy, how DO you keep your skin so soft, do tell!"
Livvy says, "Why Magnolia, because you are my very DEAREST friend, I will give you my secret: every night I bathe in milk."
So Magnolia heads straight to the market after lunch and signals the stock clerk, "Son, son, come here. I need fifty gallons of milk. You see, I'm going to bathe in it to make my skin soft and lovely."
The clerk drawls, "Ok, ma'am. You need that milk pasturize?"
"Oh, no" she replies, "just up to my titties and then I'll splash it on my face."
-
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'
-
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'
Jet I am sooooooo..........going to steal that joke. :ROFL:
the parents of a 10 years old kid come home in the evening and they
find in their son's bed a magazine. they take it to look what kind of
magazine it is, and they have a shock. the magazine is a porn one, for sado
masochists.
after 5 minutes of shock, the father says to his wife:
I think we should rethink the whole spanking thing.
-
Fashion Tips:
-
Additional fashion tip for men:
if you were a thong shave your @ss
-
When in deep $H!T..........
-
Movies you will never see......
-
This isn't actually that funny but something made me post this photo.
Maybe someone can come up with a catchy slogan for it making it funny......
-
Here for an example is a photo that without a catchy comment wouldn't be very funny.................
Little Billy standing abreast his baby sitter.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant
-
The reason men should not answer the phones or take messages
-
Little Billy standing abreast his baby sister.
Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant
Those are too long. Try this one:
-
Bacon flow chart...........
-
Why is it that REAL men don't write advice columns.
-
Alien vs Predator 3
-
Great buns......
-
Wanted.........
-
air guitar for sell 5 bucks.
-
Sally is blond, and is very hard to pull something over on her!
-
Let it snow.............
-
random joke..........
-
Priorities...........
-
Goals are great but they should be reasonable...........
-
I hope that was not AJ in hie earlier days!!
-
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides
and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were
about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go outfox a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water.
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make
sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the
water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J. C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and callback into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now
the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally,
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
-
Old-time Jewish humor
From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?
Not one single swear word in their comedy…
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's
making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.
* I was just in London --- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm
still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've
been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get
started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the
fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
* A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said,
"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother
answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has
a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I
play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
* Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us,
we won, let's eat.
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
* Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off
-
Old-time Jewish humor - From the old Jewish Catskill of vaudewille days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Not one single swear word in their comedy…
.. and the Marx Brothers ... and Woody Allen ... and ...
-
Proper care and feeding of children:
http://www.yaplakal.com/uhod_za_detmi.htm
-
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten taliban."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.
>
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly, a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again, silence.
>
The voice calls out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge
battle is fought. Then silence.
>
Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap.
There's actually two of them."
-
Actual Classified ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES:1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES..Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
> leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
> a big reward.
>
> COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
> GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89cents/lb.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
>
> And the best one:
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
> volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed,
> Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
-
Parking for women
-
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're out of here'
-
To my "teacher" friends!
My five-year old students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'
And so it does... (scroll down)
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
-
God said,
'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'
Adam said,
'Gladly, Lord. What do You want me to do ?'
God said,
'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said,
'What's a Valley ?'
God explained it to him; Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said,
'What's a River ?'
God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said,
'What is a hill ?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was,
then told Adam,
'On the other side of the hill you'll find a cave.'
Adam said,
'What's a cave ?'
After God explained, He said,
'In the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said,
'What's a Woman ?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said,
'How do I do that ?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill, into
the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
'What is it now ?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache ?'
-
Careful with the landing.
-
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
-
most likely made in China...
-
This one is for ALL those great ladies, that put up with all you guys... :cluebat:
To the powerful women in life - Keep the faith!
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders & says...
'Oh hell... She's awake!
-
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 . In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
-
Olga ... funny !! :ROFL:
I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)
-
The other side of that coin...... ;)
-
Olga ... funny !! :ROFL:
I definitely agree with running the food and lingerie utilities ... often :)
And for the men... two other software :
*Male Friend Needs Technical Support with GIRLFRIEND software :
Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??
* Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
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The other side of that coin...... ;)
Good one !! :ROFL:
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How many of these do we have? Wise old men ...that is! :) ;) :D >:(
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Peace........Mamma D
-
This is a very LARGE annoucement.
Enjoy!!!!!
Pfizer Corp. announced.....
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Daddy's Phone Call
Child: "Hello?"
Daddy: "Hi honey. It's Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?"
Child: "No Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
Daddy: "Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."
Child: "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy."
Brief Pause.
Daddy: "Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone.
Child: "I did it, Daddy."
Daddy: "What happened, honey?"
Child: "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
Daddy: "Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
Child: "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Daddy: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
-
Anything You Want
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
-
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert **Warning Crude Joke Alert
3 Dogs at the Vet
3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?
"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.
So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.
"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.
So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab.
The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.
"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.
The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
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Police Emergency
This is the story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.' He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.' She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.' He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.' She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.' He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb @ss Yankee.'
-
Remember when ?
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The wheels of life.... where are you?
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Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitres! s says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)
"W I N A B A G E L"
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It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-
I loved that last one, Momma!
KenC
-
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a shopping cart. Each time she put something in the cart she would say, "and here's something for you, Diploma." Or This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to LSU and this is what she came home with!"
-
NOW WE KNOW.......
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND.
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy. (spelled hysterectomy, but sounds HIS)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
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Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
Your forgot pregNancy (not pregJohn, though he may be involved marginally) ;D.
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A Matter of Perception....I Think......
cream and sugar
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bra
because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him,
"How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two would be fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
"And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I don't think so!" :)
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It is best never to go to bed ANGERY! I think....
The Silent Treatment
Priceless humour :)
Many thanks
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It would be just my luck to sit next to this woman on the metro someday:
http://exiledonline.com/patriotic-babushka-sings-stalins-praises/
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I jst love this :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk
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Never Choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
-
Anybody remember "SCTV" ? This one's from 1982. Jack Bragg probably won't like the Texas reference ;D
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Cheers,
Wendell in Austin
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."
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:ROFL: :applaud:
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Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --
The Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular.He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...
but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves, a whole lot of Band-Aids and clean underwear.
-
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in :
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Wyoming
Colorado
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions?
NO?...
I Didn't think so.
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Although I know that he doesn't spend much time riding on the streets, this one is for AJ --
The Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising ...
LOL Conner! It reminds me of the story my father used to tell about the time a wild turkey landed in his lap and proceeded to get itself trapped under the tonneau cover of his MGA while driving home from work. ;D
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An inspirational poster for all of us.
(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/7845/aimhighxg0.jpg)
(Is that AJ?)
;D
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An inspirational poster for all of us.
(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/7845/aimhighxg0.jpg)
(Is that AJ?)
;D
Judging from his writing style, I'd say yeah.. BTW I really enjoy his posts.. More like poetry than much of the rambling going on here.
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Newest Book on RM:
Devil Drives Lada
:)
-
An inspirational poster for all of us.
Conner - very funny! Could be the cover of the "RWD Guide to Russian Women" :ROFL:
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument..
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
. ; Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
-
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in
AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased
$1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00
today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling
refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best
current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!
-
Jokes from Cartoon stock...........
-
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an
8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the
third
cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell
phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as
possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be
his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant!
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about hi
s wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and somberly said, 'You went ahead and finished
your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your
wife
has been suffering intensely in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead
and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip
you
ever take!'
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll
be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with you. She's
dead.
What'd you catch?'
-
WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.... We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Cody,
P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
-
Halloween is just around the corner
-
Sunburned.....Maybe?
-
Halloween is just around the corner
-
Wishing all of you a long and lovely INDIAN SUMMER........
And looking forward to the resting time when most of nature sleeps..
And children look forward to the mid-winter holidays.....
perhaps the child in all of us also..... :)
May all be well in your world.....
Mamma D
-
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
-
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
A vile slander, sirrah, I'll have you know that expressive gesticulation is not an Italian-only prerogative, with an umbrella message from an Argentinian and a Dutchman :( ;D.
-
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
*** Warning adult type humor ***
Ok, I lied it's more like juvenile type humor that could offend some people.
-
*** Warning juvenile type humor that could offend some people. ***
-
Whipped
-
Warning Juvenile Joke
-
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1 . Lots of Sex
2 . Leave him alone - don't nag him
3. Let him have the remote control
-
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely .
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!!!
-
Subject: Are there Mexican Jews ?
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles.
Sid asks Al, Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'
Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'
The waiter says, 'I don't know Senor, I ask the cooks.'
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, No Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'
Al isn't satisfied and asks, Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, Senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico , our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returns and says, Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'
Are you certain?' Al asks again. I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'
Senor, I ask EVERYONE, replies the exasperated waiter,
All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
-
Investment tips for 2009
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
-
;)
[youtube=425,350]fgefooqAMHY[/youtube]
-
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)
Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.
-
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.
-
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one
on the others behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general,
then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew
to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the
same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
-
I must admit, My Ex wife brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met her.
-----------------------------------
Definition of a bad day # 187
You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.
-----------------------------------
-
Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her! :)
-
Kiss the cook........and tell her you love her! :)
I did the cooking my son Tim made the pies
-
Sex Quotes warning some have been around for quite awhile
* No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln
* Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
* Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West
* Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen
* Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin
* Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen
* The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith
* Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp
* Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich
* When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown
* Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock
* To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown
* My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~ Erica Jong
* Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
* We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe
* Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
* There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John
* There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~ Billy Joel
* When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown
* The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
* A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown
* If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~ Louise Sammons
* I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
* Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George Bernard Shaw
* Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown
* Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
* What they love to yield they would often rather have stolen. Rough seduction delights them, the boldness of near rape is a compliment. ~ Ovid
* When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder
* Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown
* My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~ Bob Hope
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks
* I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and off her. ~ Author Unknown
* Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker
* My cock doesn't talk politics. ~ S. Sachs
* I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney
* An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown
* A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~ Honor Tracy
* Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski
* When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening
* There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~ Author Unknown
* A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus
* To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant
* My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie
* I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
~ Author Unknown
* The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer
-
Good collection, Bill ;D.
* I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
This could have been written by Groucho Marx ;).
-
You can't fix stupid !
-
I didn't really have a joke to go with the picture,
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/jokes-1.jpg)
-
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/jokeq.jpg)
-
There comes a time......when blonds don't have more fun!
ICE FISHING BLONDE...
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK..."
-
When I'm an old lady
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
and make his life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all of the joy he's provided,
returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited.
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, he will shout.
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able.
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
...when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
-
WHY....WHY.... WHY...
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost
dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not
enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at
him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then
reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't
we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you
always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of
mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
-
MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR !! :)
Click here:
http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf
Be sure to click on a reindeer or two or three or more!! ;)
-
Things aren't always how they appear!
A teacher asked students to draw a picture of "When I Grow Up, I Want to Be..." One drawing alarmed her:
(to be continued)
-
Note sent the next school day by mommy to teacher...
"Sorry Teacher. That's not a dance pole on stage in a strip joint!
...I work at Home Depot ...that's me selling a shovel."
-
Too funny, Gator. Was this a "real" incident, or something you found on the Net?
KenC
-
KenC,
The Net. It is remarkable how much comedy and entertainment, most of it not very good, is sent via email.
Splendid to see your name.
-
Mostly airline jokes,
You can blame Delta for canceling my flight Friday
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/WelcomeAboard4.jpg)
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-3.jpg)
-
There is a reason most artists will not let their models
see their work before it is finished.
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke1-2.jpg)
-
When the man first noticed that his "member" was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that his rare condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?" :)
-
(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/LeninShoots.jpg)
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In Canada on History T.V. there is a show called Criminal Mastermind. I don't think this guys story will ever be featured.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/090109/koddities/oddity_masked_robber
But he probably is a genius compared to this guy:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090107/odds/odd_us_burglar_sex_odd
-
In Canada on History T.V. there is a show called Criminal Mastermind. I don't think this guys story will ever be featured.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/090109/koddities/oddity_masked_robber
But he probably is a genius compared to this guy:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090107/odds/odd_us_burglar_sex_odd
They are both intellectuals compared to a story hitting the Dutch news of a bankrobber writing 'I want money' on the back of a letter with his full addres...
-
A friend sent me a really good website-enjoy; http://drunkfriends.com/quickies/freesex.html
-
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! '
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'
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YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE!
We need more people like this....
Posted to Craig's List Personals:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org <mailto:pers-982078099@craigslist.org> [ ? <http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts> ]
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very i ntimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
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What would women look like if men could tell them what to wear.
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Tell me you don't want to buy a vowel from Time to time
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My ex wife's Lawyer sent me a Christmas card.
(she's holding a turnip ;) )
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Sorry there is not enough beer dude
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Glad to see you're back, Bill. I've been saving this one just for you...
(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/kick.jpg)
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Glad to see you're back, Bill. I've been saving this one just for you...
(http://www.geocities.com/vaughn613/kick.jpg)
Thanks Vaughn,
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When someone steals your Kodak moment...
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When someone steals your Kodak moment (2)...
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Payload management..
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*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
Just skip to the next joke if you are easily offended !!!!!
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*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
*********Warning Warning Unsavory, possibly offensive joke Alert Warning Warning *********
Just skip to the next joke if you are easily offended !!!!!
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jokes
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
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Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while it came to pass that an angel went to the Almighty and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead!
Brother 1: I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news to me easier.
You could of told me today that he got out of the house or
something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found him but he is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down.
Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive. I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
GOB
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Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege ofhaving sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???) (Did our government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Stuart."None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Stuart says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher blushes a great deal,"Well I suppose the one that gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
Stuart replies, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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A duck walks into a stockbrokers office and puts 500 bucks onto his desk and says "I want to buy 500 bucks worth of Microsoft shares". The stockbroker looks at him and says "But you're a duck".
Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck, so what?"
Broker: "But you can talk"
Duck: "Yeah, I'm a duck and I can talk, what of it?"
Broker: "Where did you get 500 bucks?"
Duck: "See out the window, see that building site over there?
Broker: "Yes"
Duck: "Well I'm a bricklayer, and I get paid good money, so for the next 5 months I'll be coming back here to buy 500 bucks worth of shares weekly"
Broker: "Listen, I've got a friend who owns a circus, and I bet you he would pay a lot more for you than what your getting now"
Duck: "A circus? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't a circus always traveling to different towns?"
Broker: "Yep"
Duck: "And don't these circus people live in tents and caravans?'
Broker: "Yep"
Duck: "Then why the **** would they need a bricklayer?"
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A Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something .... we have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God, says an elderly nun at the Back, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
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INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON
Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Romebuilt the first long distance roads in Europe (andEngland ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the r ear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The eng ineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
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Warning
some most all of these jokes could be considered juvenile
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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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:rolleyes2:
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Nancy," Said Mr. Goldstein,
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a Little crazy, she replied,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein , please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part Hanging out his pajamas, When he met Nurse Nancy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died "
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)
"Well, he replied,
"Today's the viewing."
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Can you believe it?
Man wins Georgia lottery on Wednesday, finds love of his life two days later.
Talk about luck!!
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A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” he says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“Whaaattt?” said his grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog; because grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld!”
Bonus.......! You will LOVE it ....I Promise!
So there I was . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, hey mom come look at all the little kittens
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Damn those were funny, Bill... thanks.
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[youtube=425,350]6kr14wQ9T-4&feature=related[/youtube]
A student dormitory.
- Girls, take the panties off. The guys is coming to us!
- At last!! Cool!!
- What are you doing, idiots?! Take them off the clothesline!
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Pavlov salivated too
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Little Yuri's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Yuri's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk
with him and explained that the baby had no ears..
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Yuri told his dad he understood completely. When Yuri looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Yuri".
Yuri said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Yuri ,"coz he'd be f@cked if he needed glasses"
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I wrote a disclaimer but then the post disappeared
because I tried to attach a bmp file which as everyone
except me knows causes chaos.
So here is my simplified disclaimer:
The following jokes might be considered rude, crude and juvenile.
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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
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***Warning Juvenile photos posing as motivational posters***
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**** Warning Juvenile attempts at humor ****
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(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke4-20.jpg)
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke6-17.jpg)
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke3-26.jpg)
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New pirate hat
http://web.gcpower.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/hijack_hat.jpg
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When a woman puts her man in "The Doghouse" she'll soon find him in "The Cathouse" :)
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.
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Does anyone else smell what the Barack is a cookin' ? :evil:
GOB
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Does anyone else smell what the Barack is a cookin' ? :evil:
GOB
Let's leave this kind of political commentary OFF the board.
- Dan
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(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/joke5-19.jpg)
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Let's leave this kind of political commentary OFF the board.
- Dan
Sorry Dan.....I didn't know that you voted for the guy. :D
GOB
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Sorry Dan.....I didn't know that you voted for the guy. :D
GOB
>>I didn't know that you voted for the guy.<<
And you STILL do not know.
Don't press this point. Political and religious commentary not related to the theme of this site have long been verboten due to the passions they inflame that have nothing to do with RWD. Take those to a more appropriate venue.
- Dan
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How many of you have been rejected for the same reason? [size]
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THE MEN WHO WENT TO THE FSU AND STRUCK OUT
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FOR THOSE MEN CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING KIDS
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joke
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Warning more juvenile motivational posters
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Warning more juvenile stuff
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Warning more juvenile posts on this thread
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joke
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The economy is so bad that...
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly paid job now is jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges..
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal - The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 Billion disappear!
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The town's most successful lawyer was found to have made no contributions to
United Way by the person in charge of contributors for United Way, so he called
him to persuade him to contribute.
The UW guy asked "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give not a penny to charity. "Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
UW guy Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
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http://www.youtube.com/v/6ixwxhiylsQ
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One of my favorites:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I thinkthey would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be noway for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Thanks for sharing the ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity.
________________
California Criminal Defense Attorney (http://www.skbesq.com/)
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How graphic can we be with these jokes?
I can think of some raunchy ones.
Here is one of the cleaner ones.
A woman went to see her doctor to report that her husband had died from eating dog food.
The doctor said "of course he died. Dog food is not intended for human consumption."
The woman said "no, it was not that at all. One night he was lying on the sofa, licking himself and he fell off and broke his neck."
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Wii for women
[youtube=425,350]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_SXNAtwYMBw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
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A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
GOB
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True story.
I took the family to the fair. We watched the demolition derby, which finished up around 9:30 PM.
As we were headed out, my son wanted to go on the bungee jumping ride they had in the midway, where you put on a harness, and you hang from two bungee cords. He could jump, do flips, etc. It cost $7.00 to ride.
Being a bit cold after sunset (and my wife forgot to bring a jacket), I stood behind her, wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, and watched our son having a great time.
My eyes went to the sign that showed the price, and underneath I read the small print, which said that $7.00 was for three minutes.
"$7.00 for three minutes? That's $140 an hour." I said out loud. "For $140, I could buy a woman for one hour."
The only thing that saved me at that moment was adding, "Of course, I would only need three minutes."
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/self-esteem-keeper-demotivational-poster-1254175963.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/self-esteem-keeper-demotivational-poster-72234.html)
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Contrary to the introduction below, this circulated in IBM already in 1969 when I joined, apropos of our ritual annual A/C (Appraisal/Counseling) interviews ;D.
RATING OF HUMAN PERFORMANCE
The rating was attributed to a certain Dave Barret and his group at the University of Florida in 1974. The rating was then reproduced by Azahari Ismail in 1978.
Quality
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
Can leap over short buildings only
Crashes into building when attempting to leap
Cannot recognize buildings at all
Timeliness
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Is as fast as a speeding bullet
Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet
Would you believe a slow bullet
Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot
Initiative
Is stronger than a locomotive
Is stronger than a bull elephant
Is stronger than a bull
Shoots the bull
Smells like a bull
Adaptability
Walks on water consistently
Walks on water in emergencies
Washes with water
Drinks water
Passes water in emergencies
Communication
Talks with god
Talks with the angels
Talks to himself
Argues with himself
Loses arguments with himself
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/oh-hello-there-dammit-melissa-stop-playing-with-the-xerox-an-demotivational-poster-1254057579.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/oh-hello-there-dammit-melissa-stop-playing-with-the-xerox-an-demotivational-poster-72104.html)
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/sex-addiction-sex-addiction-medication-drugs-my-sweetheart-demotivational-poster-1253314992.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/sex-addiction-sex-addiction-medication-drugs-my-sweetheart-demotivational-poster-71214.html)
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You know you are having a bad day when:
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver's license picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
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two goldfish in a tank
one says to the "are you sure you know how to drive this?"
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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No...'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman this way, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
'No, I Norvegian.'
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:ROFL:
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SunnyAK, thank you for your implied tribute to Italian rattling 8) and communication skills :-\.
:D ;D
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A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.”
Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”
The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”
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I have another Italian joke.
A group of young ladies are on a plane that is about to crash.
Also on the plane are a group of Italian tourists.
One of the ladies goes over to an attractive Italian man and says:
"I have never been with a man. Before I die, can you show me what it feels like to be a woman?" The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
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The man starts to unbutton his shirt. He removes his shirt and walks toward her, his muscles rippling as he walks. He throws the shirt at her and says: "Here, iron this shirt and make me some food."
He probably subscribed to the myth that an Italian man should be like Italian coffee - hot, strong and dark 8). Or was it the other way round :-\ ;D?
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/exception-life-time-photograph-colour-b-w-picture-camera-wed-demotivational-poster-1255885158.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/exception-life-time-photograph-colour-b-w-picture-camera-wed-demotivational-poster-74479.html)
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/dominance-life-time-joke-double-entendre-women-men-sex-peopl-demotivational-poster-1255884033.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/dominance-life-time-joke-double-entendre-women-men-sex-peopl-demotivational-poster-74475.html)
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A Husband's Computer Addiction
My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
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1. Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa 2. Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa 3. Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa 4. Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa 5. Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa List of Viruses
6. Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa 7. Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be amazing? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa 8. Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa 9. Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... Santa 10. Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa 11. Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/oh-those-kids-shake-it-baby-demotivational-poster-1256926834.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/oh-those-kids-shake-it-baby-demotivational-poster-76040.html)
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/inflight-choices-flight-class-demotivational-poster-1256925361.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/inflight-choices-flight-class-demotivational-poster-76036.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/yoga-yoga-good-motivational-ronsart-demotivational-poster-1256939445.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/yoga-yoga-good-motivational-ronsart-demotivational-poster-76063.html)
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/the-perfect-dress-demotivational-poster-1256921088.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/the-perfect-dress-demotivational-poster-76023.html)
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I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. Here's my concern: Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the Cock... Anybody else worried???
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(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/servants-bush-pool-boy-leopard-demotivational-poster-1257978776.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/servants-bush-pool-boy-leopard-demotivational-poster-77688.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/i-hate-to-split-hairs-but-demotivational-poster-1257978777.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/i-hate-to-split-hairs-but-demotivational-poster-77687.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0901/the-little-black-dress-demotivational-poster-1232019670.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/the-little-black-dress-demotivational-poster-39945.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0901/ninja-upskirt-demotivational-poster-1232019314.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/ninja-upskirt-demotivational-poster-39942.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0810/the-pirate-wench-cubby-demotivational-poster-1225381299.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/the-pirate-wench-cubby-demotivational-poster-27640.html)
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/controversial-issues-demotivational-poster-1257969225.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/controversial-issues-demotivational-poster-77664.html)
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Note to self: Try not to grow old...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this Jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'
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It’s winter. All the birds have flown south to warmer climates. Except for one little fellow. Out partying and having a generally good time, he forgets about the weather.
A sudden snow storm hits. He starts to dash south but gets caught up in the storm and comes crashing down onto earth in the middle of a farm.
A cow comes by and takes a big dump on him. Well, the warm poop defrosts his wings and he is now happy and starts to sing.
A cat, hearing the bird singing, seeks him out, finds him in the pile of manure and promptly eats him.
Moral of this story?
Sometimes people who sh!t on you may not be your enemy.
Sometimes people who get you out of sh!t may not necessarily be your friend.
And if your warm and happy in your pile of sh!t, keep your freaking mouth shut!.
-
My shortest joke:
Did you hear about Helena Rubenstein?
Max Factor.
-
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving
people of the world.
I told them to kiss my A$$ !!
Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving !
-
I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.
Do you wear edible garments ;D?
-
Regarding clothes for the starving. . ...
I felt a little bit bad later however. Come to
find out they were starving and homeless and
they needed something to make tents out of.
-
May all bad things go away with the year that is (almost) over
-
Nice try Lily but I think you're stuck with them :) But I understand one GOOD thing will be leaving Russia soon ))))
-
The Power of a Badge......
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field
over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the
rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The
officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs
to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
-
I'm not sure why this won't appear, so here' the link -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zG7LejcRm4
-
Boethius, your post
is was a mess ;D.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/v/-zG7LejcRm4&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/youtube]
-
Fixed - youtube won't appear for me.
-
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex......she objects.
Impotence: nature's way of saying...."No hard feelings"
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once....but the holes in the dialer were too small.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.....many men still sleep with their wives!
-
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
LOL. Sorry JR.
The line reminded me of a time after concluding negotiation with a Construction Manager, who happens to have the driest sense of humor I have had an opportunity to listen to, we persuaded him to have lunch with us...
So when we all got inside the car we started to shoot around the breeze and the owner of our company asked him about his family. He very casually mentioned he's got 7 kids and one (8th) is on its way. That shocked the hell out of all of us because we knew him to be only 33 years old.
I said, "What?!? I thought you're only 33?!"
He said, "I am."
Me, "8 kids?!? What the heck?"
He matter-of-factly replied, "Welllllll, what can I say, you know..we wanted a small family too except my wife wasn't using her head!"
Maybe you had to be there but there was a precious few seconds that followed before everyone laughed in unison.
Pretty funny for me still...
-
LOL, swallowing has it's benefits :)
-
Teacher arrested at JFK Airport
A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said.
"They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use
secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on thearrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a
more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
-
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
-
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past,looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
The koala looked down at him and said, 'Whoooooah, dude.... How much water did you drink!?'
-
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel....
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/1204.gif Site with some interesting cartoons.
(http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/0602.gif)
(http://bidstrup.ru/images/comicses/1204.gif)
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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even
though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.
You just can't fix stupid.
-
We just changed insurance companies at work so I had to pick a new doctor. And since I had not had a check up in a few years I decided to make an appointment.
When I finally got in to see the doctor I was amazed at how attractive she was. She was absolutely beautiful. After examining me for several minutes and writing a few things down she sat down her pad and said "You seem very healthy overall, but you will have to stop masterbating."
I replied "Ummm... I don't understand... why?"
She said "Because I am trying to examine you!"
-
Hate shopping with your wife as she browses for hours. This is what one man did to amuse himself while she browsed. It resulted in the store sending his wife the following letter:
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you
from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares.
Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.
13.. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
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The Pretzel Hold
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were facing off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the match, the Irishman trainer came to him and said, Don't forget, this Russian has never lost a match because of his pretzel hold. If he gets you in it, you're finished.
Immediately after the match began, the Russian got the Irishman in the devastating pretzel hold. The trainer couldn’t watch any longer, so he turned away. Suddenly, there was a scream, and cheers from the crowd. The trainer looked back to see the Irishman won the match.
The next day the trainer asked, How did you get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!
The Irishman answered Well, I looked up and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my all my strength I bit those babies just as hard as I could.
So! the trainer said, That's what finished him off!
No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!
-
Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine . .
-
A real man's confession :D
Wouldn't he be compatible with most FSU women?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saCAKkm6f4I
-
President Obama meets with the Queen of England . He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back in the White House, President Obama asks to speak with the Vice
President Joe Biden. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father
have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is
it?"
"I'm not sure," says Joe. "Let me get back to you on that one." Joe goes
to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Joe
sees former President George Bush and took the opportunity to make him
look stupid.
Joe looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he whispers,
"George, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child
and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
George whispers back, "That's easy. It's me" Joe smiles and says
"Thanks!"
Joe goes back to the White house to speak with President Obama. "I have
the answer to that riddle. It's George Bush."
Obama gets up and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony
Blair!"
-
A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.
"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
-
Our Mexican Maid
Asked For a Pay
Increase
My wife was
very upset about this
and decided to talk to her about the raise.
I found out
later the
conversation went like this:
She asked:
"Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase??"
Maria:
"Well, Señora, there are
three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is
that I iron better
than you."
Wife:
"Who said you iron better
than me?"
Maria:
"Your husband said so."
Wife:
"Oh."
Maria:
"The second reason is that
I am a better cook than you."
Wife:
"Nonsense, who said you
were a better cook than me?"
Maria:
"Your husband did."
Wife:
"Oh."
Maria:
"My third reason is
that I am a better lover than you."
Wife:
(really furious now):
"Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria:
"No Señora...the gardener
did."
Wife:
"So how much do you
want?"
-
A cop knocked on my door and told me my dog
was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them to get
off my property, my dog has never owned a bike !
-
After their wedding reception a newly married couple went
to their hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one," the groom replied. "She's not into anal sex,"
------------
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me di*ck on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the foocking roof.
-------------
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
------------------
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
---------------------
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"Good.."
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties."
"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"
----------------------------
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
--------------------------------
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
-----------------------------
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
-------------------
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
------------------------
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
-
I've removed a post by Blablabla concerning JR ::) that had NOTHING AT ALL to do with this thread :(.
-
Dang Sandro, I missed what you removed.
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many days does it take for a hen to lay a dozen eggs?
-
Dang Sandro, I missed what you removed.
Don't fret, it's here anyway: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=11415.msg226980#msg226980 ;). Possibly a double post in the wrong thread.
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many days does it take for a hen to lay a dozen eggs?
12? And a half :D?
-
Don't fret, it's here anyway: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=11415.msg226980#msg226980 ;). Possibly a double post in the wrong thread.12? And a half :D?
Mathematically you are correct. But I think it depends on the rooster.
(I know this is not correct scientifically... but I had to say it metaphorically). And to make fun of it and us roosters. Hey, this is the humor thread right? :P
-
12.5 is very close. The question contains a 1 to 1 to 1 ratio. If the 1/2 part is removed, it's still a 1 to 1 to 1 ratio. The question was about 1 hen so it takes 12 days for 1 hen to lay a dozen eggs.The question was not about a hen and one half.
Consider 3 cowboys who are seated single file with blind folds over their eyes. There are 3 white hats and 2 black hats. One hat is placed upon the head of each cowboy and the blind folds are removed. The cowboy in the back can see the two cowboys in front of him and the cowboy in the middle can see the one cowboy in front of him. Without looking, they are asked what color of hat they are wearing. The remaining hats were put into a closet so they cannot see the remaining hats.
The cowboy in the back who can see the two cowboys in front of him says he does not know the color of his hat.
The cowboy in the middle who can see only the one cowboy in front of him says he doesn't know the color of his hat.
The cowboy in the front who cannot see the cowboys behind him says, I know what color of hat I am wearing.
What color is the hat of the cowboy in the front and how does he know the color of his hat?
-
White.
Or black. It is still open at this point from what I can see, but it has been a long day. ;).
-
What color is the hat of the cowboy in the front and how does he know the color of his hat?
The cowboy in front is wearing a white hat, unquestionably.
Cowboy in Back sees one of the following combos: black~white OR white~black OR white~white,
and therefore can draw no sure conclusion about his own hat - and says "I don't know"...
Cowboy in Middle MUST see a white hat on Cowboy in Front based on his like answer of "I don't know"...if he were to
see a black hat on Cowboy in Front, Cowboy in Middle would KNOW that he himself was wearing a WHITE hat, based
on the only possible combinations that Cowboy in Back could observe in giving his own "I don't know" answer...
When Cowboy in Front hears two "I don't know"s from behind, he answers "I'm wearing White" with confidence. There
is no other possibility (unless someone behind him is fibbing...)
-
The cowboy in front is wearing a white hat, unquestionably.
Cowboy in Back sees one of the following combos: black~white OR white~black OR white~white,
and therefore can draw no sure conclusion about his own hat - and says "I don't know"...
Cowboy in Middle MUST see a white hat on Cowboy in Front based on his like answer of "I don't know"...if he were to
see a black hat on Cowboy in Front, Cowboy in Middle would KNOW that he himself was wearing a WHITE hat, based
on the only possible combinations that Cowboy in Back could observe in giving his own "I don't know" answer...
When Cowboy in Front hears two "I don't know"s from behind, he answers "I'm wearing White" with confidence. There
is no other possibility (unless someone behind him is fibbing...)
Yeah, it seems easy when you say it... :P
-
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.
He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.
He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?
-
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.
He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.
He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?
Question to first: If I were to ask which was the safe path, would she (the other one) lie to me?
If the answer is no, then she is the liar. I ask the second which is the safe path.
If the answer is yes, I ask the second the same question, and go the other way.
But then again... it is late and I am distracted. ;D
And of course both could be telling the truth.. or not... I missed that at first. I thought it was exclusive, but that was never said.
-
Vaugh was right on target. I think he googled it. It took me years to figure that one out on my own.
For the reply, I'll have to deal with that tomorrow as my mind is tired and coming down to everyone else's level.
Since Seeker has already seen this thread with modified approval, I will add one more before bed:
What goes up a chimney down but cannot go down a chimney up?
-
A Western man is lost in a remote area miles outside of Ekaterinburg. In this remote area, there are
only two groups of people: liars and truthtellers.
He encounters two beautiful Russian women at a fork in the path. One path will lead him deeper
into wilderness, the other will lead him safely back to the city.
He is allowed to ask each woman one question. Which two questions could he ask to ensure he
selects the path back to Ekaterinburg?
Assuming one is always truthful and one always lies...
I could pick up a large rock and ask number one "Will it hurt number two if I hit her with it?"
If the answer is no, I ask number two which is the way to go... and go that way.
If yes, I ask number two which way is the right way, and go the other.
There are a lot of ways to go with this... :D
-
Vaugh was right on target. I think he googled it. It took me years to figure that one out on my own.
For the reply, I'll have to deal with that tomorrow as my mind is tired and coming down to everyone else's level.
Since Seeker has already seen this thread with modified approval, I will add one more before bed:
What goes up a chimney down but cannot go down a chimney up?
The classic answer is umbrella. But to keep things clean, I will leave it at that. :P
-
Assuming one is always truthful and one always lies...
I could pick up a large rock and ask number one "Will it hurt number two if I hit her with it?"
If the answer is no, I ask number two which is the way to go... and go that way.
If yes, I ask number two which way is the right way, and go the other.
An honest "Yes" by No. 1 doesn't guarantee No. 2 is a liar though.
-
An honest "Yes" by No. 1 doesn't guarantee No. 2 is a liar though.
True, she might like being hit by a rock... damn this is hard. No one told me there would be essay questions! :ROFL:
-
Depending on the state of your sense of humor, I thought this (http://www.myfoxhouston.com/dpp/news/national/house-oks-birther-bill-4-19-20101271793528356) may well be the best place to post this.
It's pretty funny....or maybe not.
-
LOL (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36716915/ns/politics/?gt1=43001)
Blago's situation just keeps getting really ridiculously comical.
" In court documents filed Thursday, the attorneys argue that President Obama could give important testimony about two prosecution witnesses. The first is a person identified only as "a labor union official" who, the government has claimed, *was in contact with Obama about the Senate seat he vacated*. The second is Tony Rezko, the Chicago real estate developer who the defense lawyers call "President Obama's former friend, fund-raiser, and neighbor....The court documents note the *favorable deal Rezko gave the future president for his Chicago house, a deal which Obama later called a mistake.*"
-
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View Restaurant, because the waiters there were good looking and had
buff bodies.
10 years later at 50-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the food there was very good and
the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later at 70-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80-years-of- age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before.
-
http://engrishfunny.com/
-
Introducing the 2011 Obamamobile-----
[Admin Note: Image removed from suspected attack site. Was triggering a Google malware warning]
It runs on hot air and bull manure.
It is a three wheeler but it [unfortunately] makes only left turns.
It comes complete with two TelePrompters so you can easily talk your way out of tickets.
It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!
-
A rich man tips the waiter $5, the waiter enquires, Sir, your son was here yesterday and tipped me $50, why the difference? The rich man answers, simple, yesterday you were tipped by a rich mans son, today you've been tipped by a farmers son.
-
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xg7zwT2gQk[/youtube]
...
-
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xg7zwT2gQk[/youtube]
...
I knew I was doing it right! :P
-
The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
-
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7hU6tP_s[/youtube]
-
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "you can stay but, don't start anything"
-
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7hU6tP_s[/youtube]
Wow... now that brought back memories. :D
-
Thanks for making me smile this morning with this funny video - all Dads will understand it - but I'm not yet old enough for socks and sandles !
-
RUN-DMC straight from the Kremlin............
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQb8vb4blA[/youtube]
-
The language is a little coarse, but very funny...
-
For those of us raising kids, a fun watch:
Man! How the heck did I miss this one? That's TFF! :ROFL:
-
Okay... here is one I like....
-
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
-
Too funny but it's true in more ways than just a horse race....Classic!
Mywifeknowseverything! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4a-QNBt_aM) vs. Mywifedoesntknow. It was pretty close race, but the truth edged out the challenger by more than a lenght!
-
SNL can sometimes crank up some pretty funny skits. This one (http://www.hulu.com/watch/180965/saturday-night-live-hair-restoration) is one of them, LOL.
There's a guy that sprung from the shower that look awfully familiar. Hhhmm, I can't remember where I saw his video... :P
-
Texas Declares War on the USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama " a heavily accented southern voice said.
"This is Archie, down here at the Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas ,
I am callin' to tell yal that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,
my cousin Harold , my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart
team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused . "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm
tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to
one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama ,
the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We
up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four
boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change
of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a
long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's
just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN =
Support Our Troops
-
Heard from an unknown comedian in Lewis Black's Surviving the Holidays' series now airing on the History Channel. This specific one is about American Thanksgiving Day Traditions....
"Now, why is it that someone feels they should overfeed us with Detroit Lions football debauchery on Thanksgiving Day? I mean, yes Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate the art of giving, but Detroit, of all places, have nothing left to give! They're tapped ut for the last 50 years. The Lions vs every other NFL team taking turns beating up on a city's team is about as sorry as the state of the city itself! Maybe Thanksgiving is that one day in the year where it's OK for a man to fall asleep in front of another man.
Seriously, stop feeding us Detroit Lions Football on Thanksgiving Day! That's not traditional. If they want 'Traditional', then they should schedule the Patriots to play the Redskins. This way every year we can watch the Patriots beat up on the Redskins and then watch them take over their stadium! Now that's American tradition!"
Ah yes, American Thanksgiving tradition! The only country in the modern world who finds it appropriate to the killing of millions of living things to commemorate their day of appreciation and giving!"
LOL.
-
http://www.digital-cake.net/watch/the-tale-about-a-stupid-husband
-
:ROFL:[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOGcN8QioFs&feature=player_embedded [/youtube] :ROFL:
-
Fun video in English about What is Russia (actually commercial, but such fun :) )
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOPuvTMndIs[/youtube]
-
Я так сильно скучаю по России!!!!
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZvWSzTXf-4[/youtube]
-
(http://i031.radikal.ru/1104/da/a32846babc5c.jpg)
-
Communication problem
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]Maria said, "Screw her."
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake
[/size]
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Obituary of the Pillsbury Dough Boy ... Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
-
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/lol.jpg)
-
My fiancee refers to cats as pussy. I just came across this joke yesterday and couldn't stop laughing.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPpbHueNJ4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTPpbHueNJ4)
-
LMAO, that was really good.
-
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/deja.jpg)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1wpwEnSQPo
-
One of my All-Time favorite classic re-runs has got to be the show called 'Taxi'. Thank goodness for YouTube, I still get to occassionaly watch some of the show's hilarious moments...Taxi showcased how a bunch of social misfits can actually get together and create a few laughs.
While it's said that two of the show's stars had since left this world, it's great they were able to make more than a few people laugh...even now.
This is one of the funniest skits on that show...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY0iouvBTwg&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY0iouvBTwg&feature=related)
-
I remember watching "Taxi" on TV. One of the funniest shows ever. A gut buster.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3NMA0MyaA0&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3NMA0MyaA0&feature=player_embedded)
-
Gee TFCrew,
That piece of political satire is rather high brow. The criticism of Obama was mild. If you like such themes, check out the Capitol Steps, who usually hold no punches. Thay have made many parodies of Obama such as receiving his peace prize just before deploying more troops to Afghanistan.
My favorite by Capitol Steps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ)
Here's their parody of Putin when Russia invaded Georgia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDi47fjRr3s&noredirect=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDi47fjRr3s&noredirect=1)
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Gator, they'll be playing live here in a couple of days.
-
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your Aunt Betty, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
Same guy calls in to work telling his boss he is sick. The boss says how sick are you?
He says I'm getting a BJ from my aunt Betty how sick is that?
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
-
pretty funny!
- Ты хочешь прижаться к телу ? Ощутить лицом горячее дыхание ? Вспотеть от изнеможения ? Входить и выходить, двигаться взад-вперед ? В чем же дело - садись в автобус в час пик ! )
-
Critical manual labor guy calls boss and says: I'm not feeling very well so can't come to work today.
Boss: Don't give up so easily. When I am not feeling well I have sex with my wife and then I usually feel much better. Why don't you try it?
Guy: OK, if you say so.
Later at work.
Boss: So see, it worked; you feel much better now, right?
Guy: Yes, thanks. And you also have a very nice house.
-
When you are used to e-mail and typing chat in English, people forget that sometimes English at first meeting can be like this clip....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAQMtv2ensk
-
In the never ending series "those racist Russians" a view on the stereotypes of tourist crossing the border. Russians do not forget themselves...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91rE4tDNLFk
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcbrjNYZ0_w
-
The next video after that...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=yBQyfchErDA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=yBQyfchErDA)
-
This music gives me goosebumps and has drug-like effect on me
Then I'd recommend small doses of Vivaldi for your withdrawal therapy ;D:
I've overdosed :-[ Doctor, the drugs you've prescribed are addictive :D
Me no Doctor, be Patient, Sister ;D.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQSbKBTuQBc
I'd like to have an argument, please :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y)
-
I'd like to have an argument, please :)
No argument, but how about a bird or two ;D?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_u7VGiMO0U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE
-
From an email...
A DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CNN and Hollywood.
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this?
Sincerely,
John J. Wall, Law Student and a fellow American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Hanoi Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press '1' for the English language when you call our country.
-
From an email...
A DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CNN and Hollywood.
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this?
Sincerely,
John J. Wall, Law Student and a fellow American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Hanoi Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press '1' for the English language when you call our country.
Does this mean that Mr. John J. Wall and his conservatives (I'm assuming that the other side in the divorce) will be enlisting to fight in any future wars? In the case of Iraq and Afghanistan I never heard of the children of conservatives, CEOs and politicians signing up to fight.
-
Does this mean that Mr. John J. Wall and his conservatives (I'm assuming that the other side in the divorce) will be enlisting to fight in any future wars? In the case of Iraq and Afghanistan I never heard of the children of (rich) conservatives, CEOs and politicians signing up to fight.
You are not hinting at hypocrisy at all, are you? 8)
-
No argument, but how about a bird or two ;D?
How about a parrot that bursts out laughing when RW&M start speaking in English? :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJmAVreaWMk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJmAVreaWMk)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbZG2BwJyZQ
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq0lmIDuC8s
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paYeXnftiiQ&feature=related
-
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
= = = = = = =
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in
the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.'
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS4KMUMfrFs&feature=share
-
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f**king wife."
-
Любимая женская поза - женщина стоя и слегка наклонившись вперед, выбирает кольцо с бриллиантом... Мужчина сзади расстегивает бумажник.
[/size]A woman's favorite position: she is standing up, slightly bending forward, choosing a diamond ring... a man is behind her unzipping his wallet.
-
this is funny but you have to understand Russian slang: Прежде,чем назвать женщину ЗАЙКОЙ-подумай:хватит ли у тебя КАПУСТЫ!!! да и не подведет ли морковка?
:P
-
this is funny but you have to understand Russian slang: Прежде,чем назвать женщину ЗАЙКОЙ-подумай:хватит ли у тебя КАПУСТЫ!!! да и не подведет ли морковка?
:P
:ROFL:
Hint: using the words bunny, cabbage and carrot make a statement expressing a "true meaning". ;D
-
"Есть тёти как тёти,
есть дяди как дяди,
есть люди как люди
И бляди - как бляди...
Но в жизни порой по-другому бывает:
Есть дяди как тёти
и тёти как дяди...
Есть бляди, как люди
и люди - как бляди!"
-
Милые мужчины!Когда вы делаете своей даме куниллингус, не пытайтесь при этом смотреть ей в глаза! С её стороны вы выглядите как фашист, выглядывающий из окопа.
-
An older man was in WalMart, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided
with a young guy also pushing a cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going."
The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. The older
man said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"
The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair,
green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts with a
T-Shirt and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The older man said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most older men are helpful like that.
-
Hilarious, ML! I gotta remember that one!
-
A short bedtime story
-
Green Shoes at the Masters
Whether you golf or not.
These are AWESOME shoes! Nike now markets Green Shoes
First seen at the 2011 Masters Tournament Have you seen them?
Look below, but just at the shoes.
-
Green Shoes at the Masters
Whether you golf or not.
These are AWESOME shoes! Nike now markets Green Shoes
First seen at the 2011 Masters Tournament Have you seen them?
Look below, but just at the shoes.
She was wearing shoes?
-
I didn't notice any shoes, but those are prescription shades she's wearing. :D
-
Yeah, I have to agree. Didn't notice the green shoes but I am liking what I see. :clapping:
-
Finally after years and years of
suspense . . .
The answer to the question everyone is
dying to know
What the HELL is . . . Victoria's Secret ?
-
So it should be... Victorio's Secret :o :D?
-
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty
boxes, without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don’t get irritated and buy
another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to
hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time and on budget.
They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank
the defective box out, and press a button to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the results; and found them amazing! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s 8 million dollars well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
The reports showed that the precision scales were finding about 12 empty boxes a day for the first couple of days, but since then the scales found exactly zero empty boxes. But yet there were no complaints about empty boxes from wholesalers, retailers or end customers.
Rather than ask his subordinates to investigate and explain this strange phenomenon, the CEO went down to the factory floor, and walked up to the part of the conveyor line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, he noticed there was a $10 desk fan, blowing empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the other guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over….. every time the bell rang”.
-
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:
О себе:
Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)
-
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:
О себе:
Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)
This translates as, "About me, I bought a pesticide chalk. Now in my head still and quiet ... sit, draw .. :) "
It sounds more profound than humorous. In fact, I would want to talk to such a woman. Obviously, I am missing something and would need an interpreter.
-
I just had my Gal read this. She says it does not make total sense, but she thinks it is a type of metaphor.
Her interpretation: The girl bought some chalk that might be used to kill bugs. She had some discomfort in her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the chalk to draw pictures.
-
Her interpretation: The girl bought some chalk that might be used to kill bugs. She had some discomfort in her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the chalk to draw pictures.
Excellent, this may be the answer to the many palmetto bugs (cockroaches) in Florida. Two questions: Where can I purchase pesticide chalk? How do you entice a cockroach to draw pictures?
-
Here is clip of Russian businessman making a joke about bugs (a cockroach) to an American client. Maybe bug jokes don't translate well, and we can only assme them a metaphor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq76v8o-tOg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq76v8o-tOg)
-
I just had my Gal read this. She says it does not make total sense, but she thinks it is a type of metaphor.
Her interpretation: The girl bought some chalk that might be used to kill bugs. She had some discomfort in her head before, but now she is calm and imagines the bugs use the chalk to draw pictures.
In fact, the girl had bats in her belfry (crazy ideas flying around in her head) - In Russian - иметь тараканов в голове -(idiom) She bought some chalk for the bats. Now they seem to enjoy drawing, this keeps them busy and they are not flying)
-
From the profile of a Ukrainian girl:
О себе:
Купила мелок от тараканов. Теперь в голове тихо и спокойно… Сидят, рисуют…)
:)
A joke about cockroaches drawing with insecticide chalk appeared in Russia with the first insecticide chalks made in China. In the girls case a scary thought would be what will happen when her cockroaches (that can not be killed even with insecticide chalk) get tired of drawing ;D
-
(http://img12.nnm.ru/d/2/e/a/3/dcb45172d09aa9166661cbe8f46.gif)
-
Телосложение:
- Ухоженное тело, шелковистая кожа, красивые ноги, белые зубы, влажные губы, грязные мысли...)
-
Берегите Родину - oтдыхайте заграницей!
-
Now I understand why I have not seen Chinese inseccticide chalk - it is illegal in the US.
Illegal Insecticide Chalk, also known as "Miraculous Chalk" or
"Chinese Chalk." You may have seen the chalk in a neighborhood store or
sold on the street for about $1 a box. It is mostly imported illegally
from China and often bears a label in both English and Chinese.
Sometimes, like on the label we show here, the manufacturer makes claims
that the chalk is "harmless to human beings and animals" and "safe to
use." These claims are untrue and dangerous. Because insecticide chalk
looks just like regular chalk, children often take it in their hands,
write with it and put it in their mouths. The active ingredient in
Insecticide Chalk is a chemical called deltamethrin, which is one of the
most toxic pesticides of its kind. Insecticide chalk should be avoided
at all times.
Source: http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/health/illegalproducts/chalk.htm (http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/health/illegalproducts/chalk.htm)
Actually, the active ingredient deltamethrin is legal in the US, and is found in some insecticide sprays used in my home and garden.
-
Если Вы хотите выйти замуж за умного, красивого и богатого, Вам придется выходить замуж три раза ;D
-
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/174/lwl.mp4 (http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/174/lwl.mp4)
(I can't embed a wmv file) Note: this author have no bias or opinion about this election process/result.
-
this is cute:
Прежде чем назвать девушку " Зайкой ", подумайте, хватит ли у вас капусты и не подведет ли морковка. : )
-
from the same woman's profile:
В сексе я люблю:- Относитесь к сексу с юмором. ..Не получилось - похохотали. ..и баиньки ! :)
-
Professor at Medical School is giving lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction.'
Realizing it is not an exciting subject and that several students are looking sleepy, he decides to liven it it a bit.
He calls on gal in first row and asks:
"What is your a$$hole doing when you have an orgasm?"
She responds: "He is probably hunting deer with his buddies."
-
A Redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.1&zw)
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.9&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.2&zw)
Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.8&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.3&zw)
"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.7&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.4&zw)
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.5&zw)
The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.6&zw)
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.6&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.7&zw)
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.5&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.8&zw)
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=135ee47dfc86aa6b&attid=0.4&disp=emb&realattid=79d9e5d89adb4e52_0.0.9&zw)
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!"
-
What we have been waiting for finally arrived.
New sun-glass collection for Summer 2012
-
from a RW's profile:
В сексе я люблю:- В самой хорошенькой девочке в самой застенчивой лапушке запросто могут быть спрятаны блядские гены прабабушки
-
О себе
Если у женщины искры в глазах - значит тараканы в ее голове что-то празднуют...
-
Если Вы хотите выйти замуж за умного, красивого и богатого, Вам придется выходить замуж три раза ;D
LOL верно, верно и истинно :P
-
Army Knives
-
There once was a family of poor folks who lived far far away from the city. As such they did not know much about city living and about advancements in technology but had heard a story from a local who told wild stories about the city.
One day, Papa , son and daughter decide to make a trip into the city and were amazed with all the tall buildings and the amount of people milling about.
They were resting on a bench across the street from a Shop with a Giant revolving glass door. Papa watched as an old woman slowly walked up to and through the revolving door.
As the door continued moving around, a Hot sexy 22 year old Russian woman dressed in high heels and a mini skirt emerges from the door. Papa's Mouth dropped open in disbelief... and he said
"kids, quick, run home and get your mother!"
-
TALENTED YOUNG SALESMAN
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook . Then I sold him a larger fishhook . Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'
The kid said:
'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his gal, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
-
good one, ML! :D
-
Why am I so tired???
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!]
9 million are retired.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work.
0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden
Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.
At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work.
Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObV8yvWEiBw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObV8yvWEiBw)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ)
-
Two older men sitting on park bench:
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So, what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering
how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
-
Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!
-
Natural . . . great video re the Medieval helpdesk !!!
Yeah, it's genious and has attracted some international attention and copy. By the way, these two guys I saw on a TV series yesterday. They were driving through Kazakstan. I didnt see all of it as I was at work, but they interviewed a retired speed skater from Alma Aty and showed guys surrounding their truck as they attempted to repair it and also when they put it into a local garage for repairs. Pretty OT for this site I guess, haha.
-
I found this woman's profile a bit funny :))) I just imagined seeing an ad like this in real estate section on CL :))
Я ищу:Парня Кого я хочу найти:Продаю участок 8 соток на Алтае, не далеко от озеро Ая цена 500000; или меняю на авто, жилье.
(Я только участок продаю, поэтому - Убедительная просьба: Секс не прелагать! куни - не предлагать!!!) Я Знакомлюсь:Без пары
-
A Man is in his house, home from a long day at work, when in strolls his son.
His son is kind of bouncing up and down, in a very very good mood, and kind of out of breath..
With a huge smile on his face :D
The father out of curuiusity asks why the son is in such good spirits?
The son replies: ohh Dad, oh wow, dad, I JUST HAD SEX!! :o
The father smiles, and says, that's great son! So , you like that eh? ;D
Son says: Ohh Yeaahh, and I am going to do it again, really soon, As soon as my Ass stops hurting...
:devil:
-
An Elderly Woman, a grand mother of 3 mature grand sons, is celebrating her 98th Bithday.
It is a big party and Each of her grandsons had prepared a very special gift for his grandmother
on her 98th birthday.
The first grandson, The Oldest, Presents her with the keys to a new
Condo on the beach, complete ready for her to move in.
The second Grandson, Stood up, and presented
his granny with the keys to a brand new Red corvette convertable sports car.
The youngest Grandson
not wanting to be outdone by his older brothers had searched far and wide, across the globe for a gift
that no one else could possiblly find, when he encounterd a Man with a Talkiing Parrot,
the man explained, This is no ordianry talking parrot. This parrot can recite over 20 different passages from the BIBLE.
The grandson was so impressed he paied an obscene amount of money to get this Bird for his beloved grandmother.
So he presented it to her with with a proud demeanor, knowing that his brothers gifts were no way
even close to this talking parrot, who recites passages from the BIBLE!
:popcorn:
About a week went by, and the 3 Boys decided to visit granny to see how she was doing and ask how she was liking her presents..
She was so happy to see them, when the eldest grandson asked how she liked her new Condo. She said..
Oh bless your heart, but I am 98, I have no way to run around a huge place like that, Its soo big, I could never keep it clean, It would be som much work...
She looked at the Middle grandson and said, Oh and your sports car is soo pretty, But sonny, I am 98 and I can't even drive myself anymore..
She turned to the youngest grandson and SMILED, and said, But YOU..
Your gift was the greatest one of all !!!
She said, That was the BEST tasting chicken I ever ate in my whole life!!
-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" >:(
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI"! :o
;D
-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" >:(
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI"! :o
;D
LOL nice Ghost
BaDa Bing BaDa Boom
-
This forum section has been created for everyone who is able to understand humor (or even humour!) ;D
-
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.There follows a tense minute of silence.
Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"
-
A 0 meets an 8, stares, frowns and says:
"Take that belt off, you look ridiculous :("
-
A 0 meets an 8, stares, frowns and says:
"Take that belt off, you look ridiculous :("
:clapping:
:blowkiss:
-
A woman recently spent a couple thousand dollars on a face lift . . . for her dog.
Apparently the dog was so ugly . . . that other dogs were sniffing its face.
-
Chat Excerpt
-Do you speak English
--Yes
-Name?
--Adolf Bumin
-Sex?
--3 to 5 times a week
-No, I mean .. male/female?
--Yes, male, female and Sometimes Camels
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep .. Animals in general
-Oh dear,
--No, Deer run too fast
-
Hores
(http://assets.funnyexam.com/hashed_silo_content/silo_content/1645/resized/hores.jpg)
-
(http://assets.funnyexam.com/hashed_silo_content/silo_content/2180/resized/wrongbeerlaw.jpg)
-
(http://assets.funnyexam.com/hashed_silo_content/silo_content/4023/resized/picture_400.jpg)
-
(http://assets.funnyexam.com/hashed_silo_content/silo_content/6736/resized/untitled11.jpg)
-
Irrefutable proof: that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.
-
Hazardous Materials Warnng!
-
Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that
are going on in the US -- this comes along...Black hurricanes....
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet
something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would
be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the
names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture
such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT
making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language'
that street people can understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the
seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of
the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow
at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like
Leroy on a rocket!Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins,
grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office
fo yo FREE shit.
-
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an big orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Yes A lot Of Black Pepper On The Tissue....
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George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George
opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them
right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
Orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time..
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
Choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
You might be my kid."
-
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if You might be my kid."
:ROFL:
-
Irrefutable proof: that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.
LOL, good one, Doug!
-
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
You might be my kid."
LOL, this has got to become a classic!!!! ;D
-
Жизненные цели:НАСТОЯЩАЯ ЖЕНЩИНА должна спилить дерево, разрушить дом и вырастить дочь. Вредные привычки:Не курю, но грызу ручки... )) Злоупотребляю многоточиями и смайликами....)))))
There is a Russian saying that a real man to complete his life must plant a tree, build a house and raise a son.So this woman put a different spin on it from a woman's perspective: The real woman to complete her life must take down a tree, destroy a house and raise a daughter.
-
Scene: Athens airport arrivals
A customs official questions an arriving passenger:
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting[font=].[/font]"
-
Men
-
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
-
<blockquote>An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?
Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
What! God exclaims: You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.
Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!
God insists: Send him back or I’ll sue!
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer? </blockquote>
-
this is a very funny Easter poem!
про российскую действительность :D
Под вечер, еле ковыляя, Таща в руках мешки с едой, С работы тетка молодая Брела по улице домой. «Картошка, лук… -она шептала, Сосиски, майонез, кефир, Треска, конфеты, булка, сало… Да вроде все взяла… А сыр?! Да нет, и сыр купила тоже…» С трудом давался каждый шаг. Все перечислила и все же, Не успокоится никак. И вот в подъезд она заходит.. Маньяк навстречу ей шагнул! Глазами жертву он находит И плащ эффектно распахнул! А под плащом нагое тело ей демонстрирует свое! На тело тетка поглядела И вдруг сказала:«Ё-моё…» Устало сумки опустила И продолжает говорить: «Вот дура старая - забыла… - ЗАБЫЛА ЯЙЦА Я КУПИТЬ!!! Мораль сей сказки такова: Готовьтесь к Пасхе, Господа!!
-
(http://www.godlikeproductions.com/sm/custom/2e7d49d309.jpg)
-
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
-
Finding A Russian Bride
-
(http://cl.jroo.me/z3/J/P/q/d/a.aaa-spot-the-difference.jpg)
-
инглиш граммар
Одна из главных бед наших в английском - это неправильное употребление времен английских глаголов. Привожу здесь очень даже полезное пособие. После двух прочтений насмерть запоминается.
Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола “to vodka”
1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в этом языке существуют глаголы:
1.1. неопределенные (Indefinite), т.е. неизвестно, пьешь ты или нет,
1.2. длительные (Continuous), т.е. ты давно и продолжаешь,
1.3. завершенные (Perfect), т.е. ты либо вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.
2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
2.1. настоящее (Present) - ваше отношение к спиртному,
2.2. прошлое (Past) - темное или светлое,
2.3. будущее (Future) – то, что нам светит: цирроз, белая горячка и т.д.
3. Теперь все смешиваем.
3.1. Present:
3.1.1. Present Indefinite (настоящее неопределенное), см. выше.
I vodka every day. - Я пью водку каждый день. Вместо
every day можно употреблять выражения: usually, seldom, often,
from time to time, from melkaya posuda, bolshimi glotkami…
3.1.2. Present Continuous (настоящее длительное):
I am vodking now. – Я пью водку сейчас.
Для эмфатического усиления с этим временем можно употреблять
наречия:
He is constantly vodking! – Он постоянно поддатый!
3.1.3. Present Perfect (настоящее завершенное):
I have already vodked. - Я уже нажрамшись. (В ответ на
предложение выпить)
3.1.4. Present Perfect Continuous (настоящее завершенно-продолженное):
I have been vodking since childhood.
- Я пью водку с детства (тип inclusive).
- Я пил водку с детства, но уже не пью (тип exclusive).
3.2. Past :
3.2.1. Past Indefinite (прошедшее неопределенное):
I vodked yesterday. - Я напился вчера.
(не путать со временем 3.1.3., там ты напился только что).
3.2.2. Past Continuous (прошедшее длительное):
Часто употребляется, как придаточное предложение к главному во
времени 3.2.1
- Unfortunately, I was vodking at the moment my wife came.
- К несчастью, я пил водку в тот момент, когда пришла жена.
3.2.3. Past Perfect (прошедшее завершенное):
Также употребляется, как придаточное.
- I had already vodked when my wife came.
- Я уже упился, когда вошла жена.
3.2.4. Past Perfect Continuous (прошедшее звершенно-продолженное):
- I had been vodking for about a month when my wife came.
- Я пил водку уже около месяца, когда вошла моя жена.
3.3. Future :
3.3.1. Future Indefinite (будущее неопределенное):
I will vodka tomorrow. - Я буду пить водку завтра.
Примечание: В придаточных предложениях времени и условия
(т.е. при отсутствии подходящего времени и условий) вместо
времени 3.3.1. употребляется время 3.1.1.:
- If I vodka tomorrow I will be sick the day after tomorrow.
- Если я выпью завтра, я буду болеть послезавтра.
3.3.2. Future Continuous (будущее длительное):
I will be vodking tomorrow at 5. - Я буду заниматься
употреблением горячительных напитков завтра в 5.
Примечание: При горячем желании опохмелиться вместо
времени 3.3.1. можно употреблять время 3.3.2. :
- Soon! Soon I will be vodking!
- Скоро! Скоро я буду пить водку!
3.3.3. Future Perfect (будущее завершенное):
Употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения
- To morrow by 5 o’clock I will have vodked.
- Завтра к пяти я буду нажрамшись.
3.3.4. Future Perfect Continuous (будущее завершенно-длительное):
- By to morrow morning I will have been vodking for a week.
- К завтрашнему утру я буду пить водку неделю.
-
Unfortunately, I was vodking at the moment my wife came [in].
Should we go there? :crackwhip:
-
Young daughter to mother: When we go to heaven, do we go feet first?
Mother: No I don't think so; why to you ask?
Daughter: I was walking by the maid's room and I heard her say "Oh Lord, I am coming." Luckily Daddy was on top of her trying to hold her back.
-
Photo of an entrepreneur
-
The present administration is asking for a 'little more time'.
How about 25 to life?
-
женщина за рулем – богиня!
пассажиры молятся,
пешеходы крестятся!
-
женщина за рулем – богиня!
пассажиры молятся,
пешеходы крестятся!
Eduard, since you are fluent in both Russian and English, why don't you give us the English versions of your humor so that the majority here can laugh also?
Yes, I know it has been claimed that Russian humor doesn't always translate well into English, but I think you can do it.
-
Eduard, since you are fluent in both Russian and English, why don't you give us the English versions of your humor so that the majority here can laugh also?
Yes, I know it has been claimed that Russian humor doesn't always translate well into English, but I think you can do it.
doesn't have the same ring in English...
a woman behing the wheel is a Goddess!
Her passangers are praying, pedestrians are crossing themselves. :-\
-
An astronaut reports:
- I cannot stand it any longer, I want a woman!
The center is in panic and after a while a solution has been found. With
the next cargo ship the astronaut receives a tube with the label:
"Liquid woman. Rub into dick until entirely satisfied."
A drunk goes home at night and shouts:
- Folks!
Some windows open and folks asks him:
- Whaddyawan'?
- Don't look at me for a sec, I'll take a leak
Vovochka - a boy 6-7-8 years old, behaves like an adult
The teacher is angry with Vovochka using dirty words. She asks the girls of
the class to get out of the classroom when he says something again.
Vovochka rushes in the room and exclaims:
- Hey, chicks, great news: a whorehouse is being built nearby!
All girls are getting up and leaving the classroom.
- Don't rush so hard, it's not yet opened!
Inspector came to Vovochka's class and sat with him on the first row.
The young female teacher writes a problem on the chalkboard:
"2x2=", accidently drops the chalk and rushes to pick it up.
- So, kids? Vovochka?
- What an ass!!!
- Get out and return with your parents!!!
Vovochka, leaving the classroom, to the inspector:
- And you, if you don't know, don't hint!
Poruchik Rzhevski is an army officer in the beginning of XIX century
Poruchik goes to see his girlfriend Natasha Rostova. The family is having
dinner and they've agreed that the first one who utters a word goes to wash
the dishes. Poruchik eats and talks, no other one says anything.
He gets angry, and does to Natasha what he was going to do at their wedding night. Silence.
Then he does to her sister what he was going to do in a month after the
wedding.
Then he does to the old lady what wasn't going to do at all.
Then he remembers that his carriage squeaks and asks for some vaseline.
The old lord stands up and not saying a word goes to the kitchen.
Spring. Beautiful lake. Gorgeous lady and an army officer Poruchik
Rzhevski. A pair of gracious swans are floating on the surface. Natasha
(the lady):
- Poruchik, could you love someone like these beautiful swans do?
- What? With bare ass in the ice cold water?
-
Did someone say Columbia prostitutes?
I understand the NY Post Headline was "Secret Serviced."
Also, upon learning about how this started when one agent stiffed a hooker out of $47, a congressman suggested that the agent not be fired but used to teach other Federal employees how to pay Federal debts and get our budghet balanced.
-
Chuckle for today.
-
Another one
-
There was a substitute teacher who came into her first day of a 3rd grade class. She greeted the class of students and they greeted her in return. She said today we will learn about
syllables
Jenny, can you give me an example of the word that has 3 syllables?
And then I would like you to use that word in a sentance.
Jenny said: sure. Beautiful. Beau - ti - ful Our new teacher is very beautiful.
Excellent Jenny.
The teacher then asked Jimmy if would please give an example of a 3 syllable word?
Jimmy said: Urinate. Ur - in - ate.
The teacher looked a little shocked but said, yes ok, that is a 3 syllable word. Could you please use it in a sentance?
Jimmy said: Ur in ate , but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger boobs!
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Medicare Sex> > An elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.> > The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" > > The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" > > The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.> > When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."> > He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.> > The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.> > This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.> > Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"> > The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go tomy house.> The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and then get $43 back from Medicare."
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. (Woody Allen) 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the thing... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
-
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table $239..99Hot breakfast $4.20Two aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!' Broken coffee Table $239..99Hot breakfast $4.20Two aspirins $.38Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
An oldie, but a goody! Still priceless after all these years. :ROFL:
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Real Man
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=VpS3vs4DMk0
-
A guy is about to walk into a restaurant, but a security guard standing by the entrance stops him and points to a sign posted above the door, which stated that everyone was required to wear a tie. The guy says, "You've got to be kidding me." The security said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't let you in without a tie." The guy turns around and walks back to his car, obviously frustrated. As he's walking back to his car, he gets an idea. He goes to his trunk, opens it up, and pulls out a pair of jumper cables. He hangs them around his neck, ties them into a little knot, and starts walking back towards the restaurant. The security guard stops him, takes a long look at his makeshift tie, and says, "Okay, I can let you in, but you better not start anything.
-
ECONOMICS EXPLAINED
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the journalist who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
A BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
With the milk, you make good beer.
You use the surplus for making chocolate.
-
How COWardly of you :(.
:ROFL:
-
COWabunga !!! :D
How COWARDly of you ....
:offtopic:
Just a glimpse into history
He was the type that took Coward's way out of difficult situations :);
when faced tough questions he always gave honest answers, since he could not come out as Coward, for some reason or other ;D
Sir Noel Coward
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK4eff3EhOg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK4eff3EhOg)
-
I should have known that you would know about Noel Coward. You are indeed a classy lady with a yearning for British culture. Hope you make it to the Royal Ascot races this year.
-
One evening at the local pub a contest was held for who made the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won John the top prize.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast."
Mary responded, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
-
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his mother as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His mother said she'd make a deal with her son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his mother said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Mom I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed
in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had
long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus
had long hair."
(You're going to love Mom's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
-
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
-
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
-
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Doug,
This has been posted here numerous times (I'm guilty of it myself) - for example,
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, 'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'
The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'
The genie said, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'
My version was also with a genie, but without the multiple marriages and divorces! :deadhorse:
-
RUSSIAN ANECDOTES ABOUT PORUCHIK RZHEVSKY
Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevsky is hussar officer, martinet, a straightforward and immensely rude type obsessed with sex. Natasha Rostova is aristocratic sophisticated girl with romantic feelings. Both persons are 19th century characters from popular russian movies.
DISCLAIMER: I will not censor Rzhevsky's speech as it would be inappropriate for his image.
_______________________________________________
Poruchik Rzhevsky is putting his riding boots on and is about to leave of a charming courtesan he had met the previous evening. "Mon cher poruchik," intones the siren, "aren't you forgetting about the money?" Rzhevsky turns to her and says proudly: "Mademoiselle, hussars don't take money!"
[The latter expression has become a Russian catchphrase].
_______________________________________________
Natasha: Poruchik, is it truth that you campaigns for a threesome sex?
Rzhevsky (sadly): Alas, mademoiselle. Whores have raised the price so I can't afford it alone.
________________________________________________
Rzhevsky: Ah, Natasha! Yesterday I have saved a women from a brutal rape.
Natasha: Oh, so charming! Come on, poruchik, tell us the story.
Rzhevsky: I have persuaded her to yield.
________________________________________________
Rzhevsky: Sir, you're a cheat!! I challenge you to a duel! You may pick out the weapon, sword or pistol.
Cheat: O.K., I'll take a sword.
Rzhevsky: Fine, you're dead. Because I choose a pistol.
________________________________________________
- Poruchik, you're a miserable coward and dirty scam! I challenge you to a duel!
- Well, I do not accept it.
- Why not?
- Because I'm a coward and scam.
________________________________________________
- Poruchik, what did you like the most in the circus show?
- Young acrobat girl, Sir.
- For goodness' sake! She did not perform there.
- That's why she did not perform, colonel.
________________________________________________
Poruchik Rzhevsky has met his superior officer in a restaurant.
- Poruchik, you're here again. Unfortunately I have no money to visit it more often.
- For goodness' sake, colonel! How did you spend your salary?
- I hand all money over to my wife. She is wonderful woman, keeps house and grants me some allowance.
Rzhevsky feels sympathy with his boss and decided to help him:
- Colonel, you likely don't know how to behave with women. Just approach quietly to her from behind, hug her tenderly, kiss her gently in the neck. I don't think she will deny money to you after that.
Colonel follows the advice this evening. He comes quietly to his wife from behind, hug and kiss her in the neck. Wife takes a deep breath:
- What, poruchik? Are you again short of money?
________________________________________________
High-society party. A 10 y.o. boy, count's son, is hindering in the way of guests so that everybody has got tired of him soon. However nobody dares to scold the child for his bad behaviour. Then Rzhevsky approaches him, talks and leads away in another room. The boy has not showed up among guests since. Admiring Natasha asks:
- Poruchik, you're a genuine educator! I couldn't imagine! What did you tell him?
- Oh, almost nothing. I have taught him onanism.
________________________________________________
Kniaz Andrei asks Rzhevsky:
- Tell me, poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret they fall in love with you so quickly?
- It's quite simple, mon Prince. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuck?'
- But poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!
- Oui, 9 of them slap, but 10th will fuck.
________________________________________________
Natasha has her first aristocratic ball and dances with Rzhevsky. She cautiously reprimands him:
- Poruchik, I'm afraid your boots are soiled in mud!
- No, mademoiselle, it's not mud, it's a shit. Don't worry, it'll fall off once it dries up.
_________________________________________________
Natasha is dancing with Rzhevsky.
- Natasha, do you wanna fuck?
- Poruchik, you are boor and shameless man!!
- Are you against my idea?
- Nope. But you're boor and shameless man nevertheless.
_________________________________________________
Hussars are invited to Natasha's birthday party. Hussars respect the noble family very much, so they made agreement between themselves of no any single obscene word there. A company including Rzhevsky sits quietly at a large dinner table while Natasha is arranging candlesticks around. She is thinking out loud: "Well, one candle is left. Where should I stick it?" Instantly the colonel has struck the table with his fist: "Poruchik Rzhevsky, shut up!!!"
_________________________________________________
Natasha sells off property to cover her debts. A buyer examines antique furniture:
- Perhaps I'll take this table.
- Oh, I'm sorry the table is not for the sale. It is a sweet memory how furiously poruchik Rzhevsky loves me on this table.
- In that case I would buy that cupboard.
- I'm terribly sorry I can't give it up. It reminds me how passionately poruchik Rzhevsky loves me in this cupboard.
- Umm, I hope the chandelier can be sold, doesn't it?
- Please, understand me... Poruchik Rzhevsky was so-o-o-o creative person.
-
1) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
2) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Jenna.
3) Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
5) A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
6) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
7) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
-
Gator thats just damn funny
:ROFL:
-
:clapping:
Dunno if this cuts it outside Au but when you buy something from the shop and the checkout operator asks if you'd like a 10 cent 'bag' it opens up quite a few opportunities....................
-
What do you call a woman with one back eye?
A quick learner.
What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?
Nothing- she has already been told twice
How many men does it take to open a beer?
Shouldn't take any... it better be open when she brings it to you.
How do you make your wife scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her about it.
-
:ROFL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aUbGGFySdU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aUbGGFySdU)
-
Ghost,
Far from the RW's image of a strong man.
You definitely have a British SOH. John Cleese fan? If yes, you have a remarkable command of English because such skits use many euphemisms. Such as the famous episode of the Dead Parrot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIrBMt4eiRk
What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites? It fuses American with British humor.
-
Just saw a whale wash up on the beach.
You should have seen the f*cking size of the rubber gloves.
-
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months
from then pending the review boards decision...
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
Next year if HE gets another term you'll HAVE to go to a vet !!!
-
What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites?
Where he said lines in Italian AND Russian ;D:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMLYTZNmUmw
His and Otto's Italian lines were dubbed as Spanish in the version released here 8). After Monty Python, he appeared in two Fawlty Towers series. Were they aired in the States?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-oH-TELcLE
-
What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites? It fuses American with British humor.
I preferred A Fish Called Wanda myself, it was such a Ripping Yarn. ;)
-
What is your opinion of Fish Named Wanda, one of my favorites? It fuses American with British humor.
Well, I was considering to write a compliant letter to «A fish called Wanda» team to express my concern about the use of strong language, explicit sex talks, not to mention a depiction of sex (hopefully simulated ???).
But then I changed my mind and thanked God for staying alive after my laughing so hard on some scenes :D
I'll be right back, take your clothes off LOL
-
I showed an episode of Fawlty Towers to a couple from Spain who were couch-surfing in my home. They didn't find it too funny. Not because they were offended by the character Manuel from Barcelona, but it wasn't funny for them because his (Andrew Sachs) Spanish were with a strong accent. In Spain, the character of Manuel has a south-american accent while the others are of course dubbed into Castellano.
-
I showed an episode of Fawlty Towers to a couple from Spain who were couch-surfing in my home. They didn't find it too funny. Not because they were offended by the character Manuel from Barcelona, but it wasn't funny for them because his (Andrew Sachs) Spanish were with a strong accent. In Spain, the character of Manuel has a south-american accent while the others are of course dubbed into Castellano.
That is a usual problem. Most Russians in American movies are also somewhere between pure comedy and insulting to native speakers.
Good thing nobody ever tried a parody on the Dutch speaking our famous Dunglish.
-
And what would the French say of these ;D?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8yjNbcKkNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVJ-W6LioB8
-
After being married for 33 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."thirty three years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl".
"Now ... I have a $900,000.00 home, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 56-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
-
Sandro, Fawlty Towers was aired on the PBS channel, which stands for Public Broadcasting (no commercials).
I am not sure of the timing but I believe it came after Taxi and then Cheers, both very successful network sitcoms. I was a fan but missed many episodes, preferring Taxi and Cheers for my limited time. Were there many Fawlty episodes?
Ghost of Moon Goddess - are you giving us a hint of your wild side, pardon me "naughty side"?
-
I am not sure of the timing but I believe it came after Taxi and then Cheers, both very successful network sitcoms. I was a fan but missed many episodes, preferring Taxi and Cheers for my limited time. Were there many Fawlty episodes?
I believe there were a total of 12 episodes. First ones made in 1975 and last ones in 1979 if I remember correctly. You can actually watch them on youtube. My girl and I watched two episodes yesterday, one was Basil the rat and the other was The Germans (Don't mention the war, as Basil urged his staff).
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfukBBAbwGk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfukBBAbwGk)
-
Ghost of Moon Goddess - are you giving us a hint of your wild side, pardon me "naughty side"?
Giving you a hint ? :o Well, if you absolutely insist... I can't bear to disappoint you, Gator!
Have a fun-filled weekend !!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpybUGBXQhE&feature=BFa&list=AL94UKMTqg-9CjvfLEh2R-Svx6SksznXFV (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpybUGBXQhE&feature=BFa&list=AL94UKMTqg-9CjvfLEh2R-Svx6SksznXFV)
-
When a cruise ship sank 4 men of different age have saved themselves on a small island. Then they see a few semi-naked girls on another island nearby.
20 y.o. man jumps into the water and swims towards the girls.
30 y.o. man: "Water is cold. Let's make a raft and go to the girls."
50 y.o. man: "Hey, guys, we're not in a hurry. Let's wait and they'll come to us."
70 y.o. man: "Well, why we should go there? I can have a good look at them from here."
_______________________________________________
A building contractor returns in Moscow after a long term business trip in Africa. A small marmoset sits on his shoulder. Friends gather round the man, ask him:
- Come on, man, tell us about Africa. What's the situation there with women?
- Guys, it's very hot there. Too much sun.
- What african women look like? Could you date them?
- Water was not good in my village, I had to cook myself.
- Man, we're asking you about local chicks.
- I have tired there, really. A lot of work in jungle.
- Hey, hey, what about chicks?
The marmoset pulls man's ear:
- Papa, tell them about chicks there at last!
_______________________________________________
On the day before wedding a young man tell his bride and future MIL:
- Listen here, women. I want you to come to the ceremony at 11.15 a.m. precisely. Then you cook a special meal to treat my friends, entertain them, take care of drunkens.
When the bridegroom has gone out MIL says with displeasure:
- See, what a boss. He likes to order already.
The bride smiles:
- That's O.K., mom. He may have the last wish.
-
Pics
-
Apparently, a rising star is born in the image of a Chinese version of Robin Williams peddling goods and souvenirs aboard the Vladivostok's Siberian Railways to the delight of all the passengers.
The hysterics are mainly found in his Chinese-accented Russian. That and just his overall demeanor. He's become very popular in the Eastern parts of Russia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H4bzLy1G_s&feature=related
-
Giving you a hint ? :o Well, if you absolutely insist... I can't bear to disappoint you, Gator!
Superb compilation of Monty Python. Thank you. It seems that to win your heart a man must make you laugh. As it should be.
-
It seems that to win your heart a well-fed, well-bred, high-brow gentleman must make you laugh and
give you healthy goosebumps at first sight
There fixed that for "HIM" ;D
-
There fixed that for "HIM" ;D
:clapping: Reasonable. I hope you meet him soon.
I got goosebumps frequently (or more like tingling sensations, ;) [inject a British "sorry"]) . What happened rarely in my case was not at first sight but later when chatting and realizing for the first time that she is indeed special. Then sometimes the "moment" happens. The light is low, and while talking softly about something serious I see this closeup of her face that seemed like a glorious dream. Time would freeze. I could barely breathe. Those few women became part of my life.
-
The TV advertisements always say to seek help if erection lasts more than 4 hours.
I walked into a drug store in Bellevue and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister were the only pharmacists and they owned the store; there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me.
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The lady pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go consult with my sister . . .'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company [/color]pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses[/b]
-
Eye contact..... never!
-
Superb compilation of Monty Python.
Its British members (American Terry Gilliam joined initially as cartoon animator of the series) acknowledged that their brand of surreal humour was partly inspired by that of another group ;):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZvugebaT6Q
-
Old one from the FSU...
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"
-
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while
shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossiblenot to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one
of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the
8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very
careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.
-
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she again asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!!!!!"
-
The TV advertisements always say to seek help if erection lasts more than 4 hours.
I walked into a drug store in Bellevue and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister were the only pharmacists and they owned the store; there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me.
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The lady pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go consult with my sister . . .'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in spending money.
-
ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th >:(: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082 :(.
-
ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th >:( : http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082 (http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082) :( .
Yes, but at least this version doesn't have weird fonts and colours!
-
ML, your last joke is a duplicate of what you already posted on June 13th >:( : http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082 (http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg302082#msg302082) :( .
Well, on my screen, the first one was unreadable. So I just wanted to make it readable.
But aside from that; it was so funny as to warrant reading it twice anyway . . . dontcha think?
Anyway, this Miami Oklahoma pro BB game is pretty great tonight.
-
A long time married couple was watching TV.
The husband had the remote and kept switching between a porn channel and a fishing channel.
The wife became totally annoyed and shouted:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish"
-
Insurance Institute of America has just released its latest yearly analysis of the leading cause of accidents.
See if you can guess what it is. Read all the way to the bottom after the pictures for the surprising answer.
Not cell phones .........
Not the radio .........
Not the GPS monitor ......
Not talking .............
Not texting ...............
Not watching a car video ......
Not changing a CD .......
The most frequent cause of accidents in the World is:
(Pictures are supposed to be here . . . what happened?)
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.5&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.1&zw&atsh=1)(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.4&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.2&zw&atsh=1)(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.8&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.3&zw&atsh=1)
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.7&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.4&zw&atsh=1)(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.5&zw&atsh=1)(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.6&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.6&zw&atsh=1)
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.7&zw&atsh=1)(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=1380c9f7cf49ff97&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=7a937452ecfcac4b_0.1.8&zw&atsh=1)
Yep !!! ...You guessed it !!! ...
Inappropriate footwear !!!!
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Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, Please.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir.?
Cowboy: Nah .... She ain't that ugly. ! !
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This isn't 'humor' but a view for your entertainment nonetheless...Cirque du Soleil, eat your heart out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=GxY-uIgv4vs&vq=medium
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Next time you are checking out at the food store and they ask "Plastic or paper," just reply "It does not matter, I am bisacksual."
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Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to me, that I should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
I apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
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Being Green
...
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled...
Remember bottle drives? I don't know if they had them in North America, but they were a staple way of raising money for our Scouts and Cubs when I was young. We would get hundreds of dozens of beer bottles (not many wine drinkers here back in the late 60s/early 70s) in a day. I think my record was being part of a group (three or four kids) which got 53 dozen bottles from one house - and there were just as many more which we didn't have time to collect!
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
You have kids to keep you young ;D .
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Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school
My grammar and high schools were too far away for a bike ride so for some five years I took the no. 15 tram to go there, a 30'+ trip. While on board, I would often stand a little behind the driver and watch his technique:
(http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7160/6445155975_97b0728785_b.jpg)
The photo shows a vintage Milan tram still in service - the model is known as "Type 1928" or "Peter Witt", the Cleveland Railway commissioner who originally designed it in 1915 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Witt_streetcar). Several of our old streetcars are said to be in service in San Francisco (see bottom of http://it.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tram_ATM_serie_1500).
The driver's right hand is on the pneumatic brake and his left hand on the 'gearshift/gas' of the electric motor - i.e. a rheostat. The spoked wheel partly visible at left is the emergency brake, which would dump a load of sand in front of the tram wheels for a quick stop. Not visible are the 3 pneumatic door openers, and the floor pedal to clang the tram bell.
At that time, trams still carried signs inside warning that passengers 'spitting on the floor' and 'using blasphemy' were liable to a fine ;D.
While conductors at the back end of the tram were increasingly coming from southern Italy, most drivers were genuine Milanese and I learned a lot of our dialect by listening to their self-talk - and frequent swearing at undisciplined motorists or absent-minded pedestrians/cyclists getting in the way :D.
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While conductors at the back end of the tram were increasingly coming from southern Italy, most drivers were genuine Milanese and I learned a lot of our dialect by listening to their self-talk - and frequent swearing at undisciplined motorists or absent-minded pedestrians/cyclists getting in the way :D.
Oh the south Italians... I love them.
In our little town there are still the cars with loudspeakers on top advertising or trucks selling veggies.. you can hear them far off.
One of the fruit vendors regularly sings on the street and there is an old lady, rumored to be one of the richest in town that rides a bike ladened with prepackaged veggies for lunch and dinner... I can hear her blocks away with her loud voice announcing 'Amore!!'.
More cultural than humor, but had to say it. I remember it was much that way in the north when I was there in the 60's (Vicenza) but things have changed. I hope they never do here.
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In our little town there are still the cars with loudspeakers on top advertising or trucks selling veggies.. you can hear them far off.
Until the end of the 1950s, the streets of Milan were still roamed by several types of itinerant vendors of merchandise or services, most with a distinctive cry to announce their presence. I remember:
- Sellers of ice blocks for our pre-fridge ice boxes, a summer treat for us kids who were allowed to pick up the remaining slivers.
- Rag merchants, crying: "Strascee, stracciao" (translation for the non-Milanese)
- Arrotini (knife sharpeners) with their bike-mounted shops:
(http://www.venafro.info/images/20050723121914_arrotino-copia.jpg)
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- Arrotini (knife sharpeners) with their bike-mounted shops:
I remember those well... I saw one maybe 10 years ago here but becoming very, very rare if not extinct.... thanks to throw away knives from China.
The old times were indeed mighty fine times.
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THE COMPUTER AGE....
It's in German, but totally understandable in any language.
A Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.
She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"
This is in German but that's all you really need to know. You'll get the rest:
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
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THE COMPUTER AGE....
It's in German, but totally understandable in any language.
A Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.
She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"
This is in German but that's all you really need to know. You'll get the rest:
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/ (http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/)
Love it! :ROFL:
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The music on this video is half the fun, the chase was on the CA-241 Toll road in Orange County, CA. This could have been right out of a Benny Hill episode, but it is an actual police chase!
http://video.staged.com/localshops/orange_county_police_car_chase__benny_hill_themed
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Some guys can argue politics all day long but, patriotism is what I'm all about.
We always hear about how to fold a flag properly... but, did anyone ever show you how to unfold a flag properly?
Make sure you take the proper steps in the proper order.... Otherwise things don't come out right!
First: Locate Your Flag...
Pictures are supposed to be here?????
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=1382eb601148a2fe&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=56e8a399e36a0cba_0.1.1&zw&atsh=1)
Second: Firmly Grasp the Edges.... and Pull, Slightly....
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=1382eb601148a2fe&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=56e8a399e36a0cba_0.1.2&zw&atsh=1)
Lastly... Observe.... In Quiet Reverence....
(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=1382eb601148a2fe&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=56e8a399e36a0cba_0.1.3&zw&atsh=1)
Don't you feel a lot more patriotic?
And, lastly . . . are those beautiful or what??
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http://youtu.be/ZZLaIDw6R4E (http://youtu.be/ZZLaIDw6R4E)
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.
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переписка мужа и жены:
Добрый день, Игорь.
Я вынуждена сообщить тебе, что ты сволочь и эгоист.
Как ты мог?! И где ты вчера шлялся?!
С уважением, Юлия.
P.S. Купи хлеба: белого и чёрного.
Уважаемая Юлия!
Да ты охренела?! Я с ребятами сидел, пил пиво.
С наилучшими пожеланиями, Игорь.
P.S. Не смогу.
Добрый день, Игорь.
Игорь, ты хам. Нинка из бухгалтерии всё видела.
Ты ничтожество, я тебя больше не люблю.
С уважением, Юлия.
P.S. Почему не сможешь?
Уважаемая Юлия!
Извини, Пупсик. Однако Нинка твоя слепая, как моя троюродная прабабка о девяносто пяти годах. Сидел с ребятами, клянусь моим сноубордом. Больше не буду. С наилучшими пожеланиями, Игорь.
P.S. А чо я-то всё?
Добрый день, Игорь.
Возможно, Нина слегка близорука, но не настолько, чтоб не увидеть у твоих "ребят" бюста четвертого размера и сапог Pollini за 900, между прочим, долларов. Кстати, я так и не дождалась подарка на 8-е марта. Враль. С уважением, Юлия.
P.S. Собирай манатки и отваливай.
Уважаемая Юлия!
Малыш, зачем так горячиться? Ниночка немного ошиблась. Во-первых, у Светы третий размер, во-вторых, она страшная и мой секретарь, в-третьих, где купить твои Pollini? С наилучшими пожеланиями, Игорь.
P.S. Куплю хлебушек и тортик. Я тебя люблю.
Добрый день, Игорь.
ГУМ, 2-я линия, 2-й этаж.
Передай секретарше, что в следующий раз я плюну ей в декольте. Прямо в третий размер! С уважением, Юлия.
P.S. И конфеточек.
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Ed, there is a Russian language forum here:
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?board=29.0 :)
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Personal responsibility
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Advice for older man.
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing who had just arrived . . .
[img alt=[] height=660 width=493]http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d0d4a78aaf&view=att&th=1386dd56332db967&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=6aa0756db032f068_0.1.2&zw&atsh=1
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I[/font][/size][/font][/b][/size] use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said;[/color][/b] [/size]"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby!"[/size][/font][/color][/b]
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Personal responsibility
Love this one.
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Heartwarming Lawyer Story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor men replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house to eat," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it.
You'll really love my property.
In places, the grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now. . .you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story . . . did you????
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THE MALE CYCLE....
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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This can't end well :o
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One of those 'funnel things' could help.
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Yes, wouldn't we all . . . .
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Maybe someone has pointed this out already but as it just caught my wife's eye as I scrolled past I thought I'd say; that should be yaĭtsa not yeetsa. FWIW, Google translate seems to do a pretty good job of the phonetic representation.
;)
this word has a double meaning, used for "eggs" and also for "balls". And this is what makes Russia so interesting! :P
But not as much as it could have been, thanks to Unilever :D
I thought the Russian language (in everyday use) did refer to testicles as eggs, whereas we use the term balls.
So not too surprising.
Obviously Uniliver were unaware of this when releasing the Axe's (the name of the Lynx brand in other markets) "Clean your balls" campaign. :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPwhMoQBg_8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPwhMoQBg_8)
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Ghost and ML,
:ROFL:
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.
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German plumber invents solution for common occupational problem.
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Very short bedtime story.
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Obviously Uniliver were unaware of this when releasing the Axe's (the name of the Lynx brand in other markets) "Clean your balls" campaign. :D
too funny!
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Мужчина никогда не должен забывать постирать свои носки и sms-ки;)
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Russia has another candidate for the annual Darwin award of how not to pass your genes to the next generation (video of fishing with hand grenades if you have already seen it):
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4cf_1343665540 (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4cf_1343665540)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepwKAIrEiI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepwKAIrEiI)
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Russia has another candidate for the annual Darwin award of how not to pass your genes to the next generation (video of fishing with hand grenades if you have already seen it):
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4cf_1343665540 (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4cf_1343665540)
Another classic! :ROFL:
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...along Southern California Freeways
(http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/6894/americanvoters.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/837/americanvoters.jpg/)
AMERICAN VOTERS CROSSING
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.
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Gutsy Norwegian gets a "Sense of a Bird Flying"
A Norwegian man jumps off of a mountain top wearing a "bird's wings outfit,"
flies down the side of the mountain at great speed, and then lands on
on his feet at the exact predetermined spot on a road where friends are waiting!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/ER1PGYe9UZA
[/size][/font]
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Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor . . . Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'
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To: the citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the United States, and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $11.40/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
-
ML, I liked that one even though the speeds should be in units of km/hr. So it must have originated in Europe.
-
To: the citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the United States, and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $11.40/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.
:cluebat:
-
Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.
:cluebat:
Sorry! Some of us are behind time.
-
Not to point a finger (of course not, the sweetest thing like me - NEVER!) but I think this little joke has been posted in this thread already. Twice.
I don't care - it's still funny! The only thing I would change is the reference to "catsup" - nobody in British English uses it. The correct term is "tomato sauce." :D
-
I don't care - it's still funny! The only thing I would change is the reference to "catsup" - nobody in British English uses it. The correct term is "tomato sauce." :D
The correct term is "red sauce". As opposed to "brown" (plum) sauce. Tomato sauce - in the absence of brown (which is never).
http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/ (http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/)
There.
-
The correct term is "red sauce". As opposed to "brown" (plum) sauce. Tomato sauce - in the absence of brown (which is never).
http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/ (http://www.redorbrown.co.uk/)
There.
Interesting, but I would have thought that "brown" sauce was more likely to refer to Worcester (Lea and Perrins or similar). When you go to the fish and chippery, do you ask for or get asked if you prefer "red sauce?" Nope, I ask for tomato sauce (even in Britain).
-
Interesting, but I would have thought that "brown" sauce was more likely to refer to Worcester (Lea and Perrins or similar). When you go to the fish and chippery, do you ask for or get asked if you prefer "red sauce?" Nope, I ask for tomato sauce (even in Britain).
Worcester sauce is Worcester sauce.
When I go to fish and chips I ask for ketchup :-) but this is not the point :-)
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139 (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139)
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Worcester sauce is Worcester sauce.
When I go to fish and chips I ask for ketchup :-) but this is not the point :-)
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139 (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=brown+sauce&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1C1AFAB_enGB487GB487&biw=1134&bih=649&tbm=isch&tbnid=J0DMpWq4FYGV3M:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&docid=W3Hflzg4B0S6mM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d4/Branston_Brown_Sauce.jpg&w=1921&h=2953&ei=J4IpUJOyDIWn4gTCsoHoBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=119&vpy=147&dur=415&hovh=208&hovw=135&tx=95&ty=157&sig=117843841070749508139&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=82&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:139)
OK, now I see what you mean. But, to return to my original point, would you agree that "catsup" is definitely NOT British English?
-
OK, now I see what you mean. But, to return to my original point, would you agree that "catsup" is definitely NOT British English?
absolutely!
-
absolutely!
Thank you! :D :-*
-
"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.
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"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.
Thanks Muzh.
-
"Catsup" came from China (ke-tsiap) and had no tomatoes. It was a tangy fish sauce. It still didn't have any tomatoes until the late 1800s according to the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, NY.
Or it came from the Indonesian Ketjap, which is used for different variants of sauce that can be fish or soy based. ;D
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Or it came from the Indonesian Ketjap, which is used for different variants of sauce that can be fish or soy based. ;D
I found this. http://homecooking.about.com/od/foodhistory/a/ketchuphistory.htm (http://homecooking.about.com/od/foodhistory/a/ketchuphistory.htm)
Apparently it originated in China and made its way to Malaysia (kechap) and Indonesia (ketjap).
-
Anyway, what I wanted to do was post this nice video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=lJP_5bkP_2I (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=lJP_5bkP_2I)
-
Seems appropriate for forum humor and many escapades here .. :)
(the last line being the best)
(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q203/aj277/silly/butthurt_report_form.jpg)
-
First Pic
-
@ml... omg that is funny!!
-
Bad Situations
-
In picture #4 the guy has #2 on his shirt.
Struck me funny in a Beavis and Butthead kind of way.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyE30MQlrj0
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/383879_10151045448148542_861096702_n.jpg)
-
Olga, that was a good one. Here are some "free pussy" signs for our friend from Italy.
(http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-a.jpg) (http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-a.jpg)
--
(http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-b.jpg) (http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-b.jpg)
--
(http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-c.jpg) (http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-c.jpg)
--
(http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-d.jpg) (http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-d.jpg)
--
(http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-e.jpg) (http://russianreport.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/pussy-riot-trial-protest-e.jpg)
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I don't claim to know too much about lifesaving . . .
but if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life, my money is on the girl on the right.
-
For the Aussies among us :)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v16/PicsOfMax/downunder.jpg)
-
For Germans: Toten Transport.
-
Ukraine men are strong!
http://youtu.be/XRfTC89TsSM
-
Ukraine men are strong!
I knew Cialis could provide a lot of tensile strength, but this was
quite impressive.
I might try this sometime; perhaps start with horizontal position and then
work my way up.
Maybe get me one of them thar European or New Zealand health insurance plans first.
I wonder if this will make it as a standard Olympic event in the future.
-
Ukraine men are strong!
From technical point of view the win belongs to the girl. In this clip the Ukraine woman is strong! And the man demonstrated just endurance.
-
I knew Cialis could provide a lot of tensile strength, but this was
quite impressive.
I might try this sometime; perhaps start with horizontal position and then
work my way up.
Maybe get me one of them thar European or New Zealand health insurance plans first.
I wonder if this will make it as a standard Olympic event in the future.
How many times do I have to tell you - we don't need health insurance! 8)
-
How many times do I have to tell you - we don't need health insurance! 8)
Hahaha.
-
Real life is better than action movies.
Watch the 10 second ad; and then the action starts.
The repo gal has some great lines.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXQF9PJE3J8
-
classic, ml!
-
classic, ml!
Especially the last lines.. lol...
-
Especially the last lines.. lol...
But what did she say at the end? :cluebat: I couldn't understand a word of it!
You know the saying...two countries divided by a common language!
-
Driver said: You were supposed to be my backup.
Gal said: I was your backup. You got backup off your ass after I hit the guy with the wrench.
Note: Maybe not word for word; but the gist of it.
Second Note: She is not speaking standard American English. It is ghetto English.
-
But what did she say at the end? :cluebat: I couldn't understand a word of it!
You know the saying...two countries divided by a common language!
Obviously ML was not raised in the South as he missed the colorful play with words in the language of the bro's. A word by word replay:
Man: You were 'pose to be my backup.
Woman: I was you backup. Didn't your ass get back up after I knocked his ass out. :)
-
Driver said: You were supposed to be my backup.
Gal said: I was your backup. You got backup off your ass after I hit the guy with the wrench.
Note: Maybe not word for word; but the gist of it.
Second Note: She is not speaking standard American English. It is ghetto English.
Obviously ML was not raised in the South as he missed the colorful play with words in the language of the bro's. A word by word replay:
Man: You were 'pose to be my backup.
Woman: I was you backup. Didn't your ass get back up after I knocked his ass out. :)
Thank you both!
-
Ukrainian Bartender on Talent Show He is really good!! http://www.youtube.com/embed/60GJ0dJ1xmE?rel=0
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German shepherds love soda water. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4
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German shepherds love soda water. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4)
One has to wonder what is weirder: The original trick or that an American posts a rerun from a British show that was on Dutch TV...
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One has to wonder what is weirder: The original trick or that an American posts a rerun from a British show that was on Dutch TV...
....and punctuated with Japanese. Proves that good comedy is universal. I appreciated it, perhaps because I love dogs.
Not as remarkable or hilarious as the Alsatians with soda water, yet this English Bulldog reminds me of some posters at RWD, i. e. dog with a bone, or in this case bulldog with a new wading pool.
http://www.dogwork.com/ihopk8/ (http://www.dogwork.com/ihopk8/)
-
Some men have long proclaimed:
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
Now, women are saying:
Why buy the pig when all you get is a little sausage.
= = = = =
And, on a related note:
It's not premarital sex, if you aren't planning to get married.
-
I don’t claim to know much about life saving...But if anyone is going to
bring this guy back to life, my money is on the girl on the right…
(http://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=f57f246ca2&view=att&th=139c5d8bce9d13c3&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)
-
German shepherds love soda water. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4)
Funny, I have 2 females and 1 male GSD and the male also loves to attack and bite water coming out of the hose. Here is the pic of my 3 dogs.
-
I heard this toast many years ago but never ventured to repeat it at the celebrations, though I'd like sometimes. May be you'll be bolder than me. Here it is:
I wish you'll die. [make a pause]
Not now, but 50 years later.
And not of the natural causes, but fell from the hands of a jealous husband.
And not under marital suspicion, but because of the real actions.
-
I heard this toast many years ago but never ventured to repeat it at the celebrations, though I'd like sometimes. May be you'll be bolder than me. Here it is:
I wish you'll die. [make a pause]
Not now, but 50 years later.
And not of the natural causes, but fell from the hands of a jealous husband.
And not under marital suspicion, but because of the real actions.
I'd change the finale to: "die of natural causes on top of a beautiful SINGLE woman :)))" But that's just me :D
-
I'd change the finale to: "die of natural causes on top of a beautiful SINGLE woman :) ))" But that's just me :D
the happy end
They lived a long and happy life, and died on the same day in their bed... while making love... she in the morning and he closer to the evening.
-
the happy end
They lived a long and happy life, and died on the same day in their bed... while making love... she in the morning and he closer to the evening.
Olga; I am shocked !! :o
-
New model available at WalMart.
And, believe it or not; but these sunglasses are available for only $8.95.
-
Olga; I am shocked !! :o
why? :D
-
In a Russian store:
- excuse me, do you have dorblu
-what is dorblu
- it is blue cheese, cheese with blue mold
- no, we don't have dorblu cheese with blue mold, but we have sausages dorblu and herring dorblu.
Russian products
Cake "Fairytale sex"
Black coffee granulated "Merry Hot-Dog"
-
the happy end
They lived a long and happy life, and died on the same day in their bed... while making love... she in the morning and he closer to the evening.
sorry Olga, sounds a bit too kinky for my taste... according to this scenario he would be making love to his dead wife all day since she passed in the morning... ouch!
-
sorry Olga, sounds a bit too kinky for my taste... according to this scenario he would be making love to his dead wife all day since she passed in the morning... ouch!
oh well :D I bet you know Russian dark humor
An old lord is sitting at his fire place smoking his cigar and having his drink.
Suddenly he sees how a man coming down the stairs from the lord's wife bedroom. The man notices the lord and says being confused... - Good evening Sir, your wife was too cold... The lord - She was not too hot when she was alive either. ;D
- "Nurse, where're we going?"
- "To the morgue."
- "But I haven't died yet!"
- "The doc said 'to the morgue' — to the morgue it is!"
- "But what is wrong with me?!"
- "The autopsy will show!"
In the restaurant a waiter to a client
- So, what do you think about our chief cook?
- mmm Excellent!
- I coked him myself (said the waiter proudly)
-
(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q203/aj277/silly/fatherhood.jpg)
-
oh well :D I bet you know Russian dark humor
An old lord is sitting at his fire place smoking his cigar and having his drink.
Suddenly he sees how a man coming down the stairs from the lord's wife bedroom. The man notices the lord and says being confused... - Good evening Sir, your wife was too cold... The lord - She was not too hot when she was alive either. ;D
- "Nurse, where're we going?"
- "To the morgue."
- "But I haven't died yet!"
- "The doc said 'to the morgue' — to the morgue it is!"
- "But what is wrong with me?!"
- "The autopsy will show!"
In the restaurant a waiter to a client
- So, what do you think about our chief cook?
- mmm Excellent!
- I coked him myself (said the waiter proudly)
:P
-
Two old men were sitting on a porch with a hound dog between them. The dog had its leg hiked up and was licking itself. One of the old men said to the other, "I sure do wish I could do that."The other old man said, "You better not, that dog will bite you."
-
Two old men were sitting on a porch with a hound dog between them. The dog had its leg hiked up and was licking itself. One of the old men said to the other, "I sure do wish I could do that."The other old man said, "You better not, that dog will bite you."
Ranetka, I am just getting over my shock from Olga's post, and now you add another jolt to my weak heart !!! :o
-
Ranetka, I am just getting over my shock from Olga's post, and now you add another jolt to my weak heart !!! :o
What, you thought I too was a little flower? :D Yeah, right.
-
What, you thought I too was a little flower? :D Yeah, right.
- A little Flower - A flower grew out of the ground
A tiny flower from the dirt
A tiny living soul from underground
A baby crawling from the dirt
A little innocence of wild color
A tiny spark of hope
A tiny pleasure free of charge
A flower that I called my own
A little baby ran towards it
A tiny flower crushed beneath the feet
A little human innocence
A little bliss destroyed by ignorance
A little flower dead on the ground
A little baby jumping up and down
And only me from my own window, witnessed the death of my own flower beneath the feet of blissful child without idea of his first crime...
Dmitriy Kokarev
-
My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator saying
"It's not working anymore, I give up and I am moving
back in with my mother".
I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was
still cold. I wonder what the heck she was talking about?
-
My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator saying
"It's not working anymore, I give up and I am moving
back in with my mother".
I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was
still cold. I wonder what the heck she was talking about?
Hey Bill, good to see you posting! :D
-
Oooppps, a repeat. My Alzheimers at work.
-
Oooppps, a repeat. My Alzheimers at work.
A small test:
1. Do you remeber exactly what you did at 10:17 today ?
2. Do you remeber the first girl you kissed ?
Now after answering these questions, are you aware Alzheimer starts affecting the short-term memory ?
-
A small test:
1. Do you remeber exactly what you did at 10:17 today ?
2. Do you remeber the first girl you kissed ?
Now after answering these questions, are you aware Alzheimer starts affecting the short-term memory ?
To be valid, a test would have to compare a significant event with another significant event;
or a non significant event with another non significant event.
-
To be valid, a test would have to compare a significant event with another significant event;
or a non significant event with another non significant event.
Whis is why this test is on-topic. ;D
-
At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this!
Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave on their next trip, Buck's wife, Leslie, puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Buck's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Buck sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Gee Buck, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, turned around, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
Then she took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles lit and rose
petals all over the floor, and on the bed were handcuffs and ropes!
Then she told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Next she said, "Do whatever you want."
"And here I am ! "
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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A 90 year old couple had a history of having sex every Sunday afternoon, maling love to the rythem of the church bell. One Sunday the husband died while making love. Many people consoled the widow. She said everything was as normal in their loving afternoon, until the ice cream truck drove by!
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:D Tillman, The Skateboarding Dog :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQzUsTFqtW0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLclGPr7fj4
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From a RW's personals ad on mamba:
* Спонсоры, поддержки и тому подобное не интересует! Я нормальный человек! А вы? :)
* А ещё для особых ценителей объявление:
...УДАРЮ ПО ЯЙЦАМ ЗА 3000 РУБЛЕЙ ! :)
это мне не сложно :) так что не стесняйтесь! :)
:-*
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pay close attention, and watch until the very end..
Guy thinks his sister is hot (http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=15231.0/)
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From a RW's personals ad on mamba:
* Спонсоры, поддержки и тому подобное не интересует! Я нормальный человек! А вы? :)
* А ещё для особых ценителей объявление:
...УДАРЮ ПО ЯЙЦАМ ЗА 3000 РУБЛЕЙ ! :)
это мне не сложно :) так что не стесняйтесь! :)
:-*
Eduard
Can you put this in English so the rest of us can participate? Thanks
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From a RW's personals ad on mamba:
* Спонсоры, поддержки и тому подобное не интересует! Я нормальный человек! А вы? :)
* А ещё для особых ценителей объявление:
...УДАРЮ ПО ЯЙЦАМ ЗА 3000 РУБЛЕЙ ! :)
это мне не сложно :) так что не стесняйтесь! :)
:-*
From a RW's personals ad on mamba:
* Not interested in sponsors and etc.! I'm a normal human! And you?
* An announcement for special connoisseurs:
... Will hit your balls for 3000 rubles!
no problem for me, so don't be shy to ask!
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This has been around for quite a while; but this new (to me version) has some pictures which helps to understand what is being said.
"The Italian man goes to Malta."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=m1TnzCiUSI0
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This has been around for quite a while; but this new (to me version) has some pictures which helps to understand what is being said."
The accent sounds more French than Italian ::).
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The accent sounds more French than Italian ::) .
OK, then you or someone change title to "Frenchman goes to Malta"
and repost on Yahoo. :D
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Best way to get someone to do something?
Tell them not to do it.
The signs in German tell shoppers to NOT sit or lie on the water bed because there are some problems.
Make sure your stomach is calm before you watch, because it might hurt from your laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0
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Best way to get someone to do something?
Tell them not to do it.
The signs in German tell shoppers to NOT sit or lie on the water bed because there are some problems.
Make sure your stomach is calm before you watch, because it might hurt from your laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0)
Just FYI... the sign only said not to have sharp items in your pockets...
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Woman to her man: For your birthday, I have decided to agree to your request that we have a 'threesome.'
Man: Wow . . . a blonde, redhead, brunette or what?
Woman: I don't care what color his hair is.
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In the spirit of post-Halloween humor...these kids are 2-die-4...there's got to be a law against this!
http://youtu.be/WOlpdd7y8MI
The last 3 sets of kids are exactly what ours will be like. :P
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This cannot be made up!!!
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed. "
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I fixed, but I will try for free :D
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed. "
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure. [/color]
[/size]
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed. "
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A friend sent me an email with some humerous photos. He has no idea that some of them probably were taken in Ukriane. LOL
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Ingenuity at its best . . . except for the washer above the pooper (I would never use it), and the electrician with his feet in the water.
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that was funny as hell.
Gotta print the toilet with pylon :clapping:
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Two Trees and A Woodpecker...
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
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мужчина спросил в аптеке что нибудь наподобие виагры,только для женщин.фармацевт не растерялась и послала его в ювелирный..
A man asked a farmacist for something like Viagara only for a woman. The quick thinking farmacist suggested that the man visits a jewelry store...
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His travel request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,
'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is ...
You're NOT my flight instructor?'
"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first."
-
KFC
-
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One...
two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
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Gal and I were watching a silly sitcom last night; and couldn't quit laughing when we heard this:
Woman to friends: I just made $20,000 by selling two kidneys.
Friends: But everyone needs at least one to survive.
Woman: Oh . . . they weren't mine!!
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Lesson 1 to a child...Don't ever let yourself get so fat.
Lesson 2: Always remember to immediately disown an aunt you suspect is an eveil, evil aunt. One who'll laugh at your own hanging....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUK4Al7wGLA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUK4Al7wGLA)
See what I mean?
-
.
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Cal,
Thanks, now I have to clean the coffee off the monitor.
:clapping:
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Holiday calendar for 2012/2013
December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery
January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......
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Holiday calendar for 2012/2013
December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery
January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......
Funny that you bring up the end of the world (Myan calendar).
My friends in Ukraine have brought it up in every recent conversation.
I responded to my Gal by saying that if the world is ending, we had better have as much sex as possible now! LOL
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Adults only NUDE SANTA
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I just can't believe you people !!!
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Holiday humor.
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The rest of them.
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A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego,
California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar,
stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican
stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already
there!"
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A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego,
California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar,
stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican
stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already
there!"
and the moral of the story: Learn Spanish!
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Holiday calendar for 2012/2013
December 21, 2012 : Party for the end of the world
December 22, 2012 : Afterparty of the end of the world.
December 23, 2012 : Preparations for Christmas
December 24, 2012 : Christmas dinner party
December 25, 2012 : Christmas party
December 26, 2012 : Boxing day party
December 27, 2012 : Day of recovery from Christmas
December 30, 2012 : Preparations for New Year
December 31, 2012 : New Year Party
January 1, 2012: New Year After party
January 2, 2012: Day of recovery
January 3, 2012: Orthodox End of the World......
lol very nice Shadow.
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and the moral of the story: Learn Spanish!
But for your children and grandchildren, advise to . . . learn Chinese.
For this section though . . . that is not even funny!!!
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They live among us, breed and vote
2012 Darwin Awards
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
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Transformation almost complete, but not quite . . .
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Is this one of our members??
A gentleman in his eighties walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel.
He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady in her seventies.
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, good looking . . . Do I come here often?"
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This has been around a long time . . . but still funny as he!! . . . and true.
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(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/PyuE8.jpg)
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Okay, here's one that is dedicated to the folks back in Wisconsin, where I'm from, and my sister, who is a natural blonde:
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Wisconsin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
...
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?"
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Good news! The 1st volume of "How to Understand Women" is now finally available in bookshops!
(http://www.floriani.it/image001.jpg)
:D :D :D
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Good news! The 1st volume of "How to Understand Women" is now finally available in bookshops!
:D :D :D[/center]
Another good news is that the first volume actually contains only the authors' names list ;D
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Sandro. That is only the introduction. For women over 30 it's a 3 volume set. In small type. But there are pictures.
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GoMG, at left in your avatar is something that resembles Rome's Bocca della Verità ;):
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1b/Bocca_della_verita.jpg/220px-Bocca_della_verita.jpg) (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f8/Audrey_Hepburn_and_Gregory_Peck_at_the_Mouth_of_Truth_Roman_Holiday_trailer.jpg/220px-Audrey_Hepburn_and_Gregory_Peck_at_the_Mouth_of_Truth_Roman_Holiday_trailer.jpg)
La Bocca della Verità (English: the Mouth of Truth) is an image, carved from Pavonazzo marble, of a man-like face, located in the portico of the church of Santa Maria in Cosmedin in Rome, Italy. The sculpture is thought to be part of a first century ancient Roman fountain, or perhaps a manhole cover, portraying one of several possible pagan gods, probably Oceanus. Most Romans believe that the 'Bocca' represents the ancient god of the river Tiber.
The most famous characteristic of the Mouth, however, is its role as a lie detector. Starting from the Middle Ages, it was believed that if one told a lie with one's hand in the mouth of the sculpture, it would be bitten off...
The Mouth of Truth is known to English-speaking audiences mostly from its appearance in the 1953 film Roman Holiday. The film also uses the Mouth of Truth as a storytelling device since both Hepburn's and Peck's characters are not initially truthful with each other.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bocca_della_Verità
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GoMG, at left in your avatar is something that resembles Rome's Bocca della Verità ;):
Sandro, that "something" is a wood sculpture of Baba Yaga :D
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up..."
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Sandro, that "something" is a wood sculpture of Baba Yaga :D
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up..."
I often wondered who that handsome devil next to you was???? ;D It was just "Baba"!!!!
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I often wondered who that handsome devil next to you was???? ;D It was just "Baba"!!!!
Wrong Baba, this is Granny Yaga ;).
In Slavic folklore, Baba Yaga is a supernatural being (or one of a trio of sisters of the same name) who appears as a deformed and/or ferocious-looking woman. Baba Yaga flies around in a mortar, wields a pestle and dwells deep in the forest in a hut usually described as standing on chicken legs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baba_Yaga
It's also one of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition for piano:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWszAJ7vr8M
Later orchestrated by Maurice Ravel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNdOMcbuiiA
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- - - - - -
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- - - - - -
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- - - - - -
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- - - - - -
Some people ask the secret of a long marriage. Take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, you go Fridays.'
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
- - - - - -
I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
- - - - - - -
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
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You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
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from Russian immigrants forum
(http://i064.radikal.ru/1211/95/ce70b9ce1e0b.jpg)
(http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/21750_377627442320510_2025692456_n.jpg)
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Holiday humor
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The rest.
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.
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(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2012-12/1355883646_20540eac37cc.jpg)
An ideal housewife:
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2012-12/1355847214_1259591970_idealnaya-domrabotnica.jpg)
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(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2012-12/1355883646_20540eac37cc.jpg)
An ideal housewife:
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2012-12/1355847214_1259591970_idealnaya-domrabotnica.jpg)
Works for me. LOL
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Works for me. LOL
First gal is multi-tasking.
Not quite sure what second gal is doing.
I doubt she knows how to hang drywall.
But perhaps she can use panties to hold the drywall screws.
The panties and bra don't match.
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I am glad Lily has a sense of humor. She knows how to entertain us guys. LOL
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First gal is multi-tasking.
Not quite sure what second gal is doing.
I doubt she knows how to hang drywall.
But perhaps she can use panties to hold the drywall screws.
The panties and bra don't match.
The apron and shoes do !
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VASECTOMY
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks "what that was all about?"
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has had an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hallway the patient looks through a window and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "what are they doing in there.?
The nurse responds, "they're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
-
Speaking of Obamacare...I forgot to wish everyone last January 1st -
HAPPY SANDRA FLUKE DAY! (http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/Contraception-Mandate-Dominos-suit/2012/12/17/id/468075)
-
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/oqTNQ.png)
Translation: Special Offer! 2nd castration is FREE! Bring a friend.
(http://s1.uploads.ru/t/h1wTI.jpg)
(http://s45.radikal.ru/i109/1210/c0/8d84e71c78d9.jpg)
Two alligator ladies are talking:
"- What a nice bag! - Thank you, it's my ex"
-
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v.”
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
******
Online dating dictionary:
ARTISTIC ... Drama Queen.
GIRLY .... Thick.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL .... Alcoholic.
I’M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES ... My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don’t get married I’ll be deported.
CHALLENGING ... High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY .... Frump.
LOYAL ... Stalker.
Adventurous ... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ... small breasts..
Average looking ... Moooo.
Beautiful ... Pathological liar.
GREAT PERSONALITY . Ugly as sin
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Financially secure. ... Has a job.
Friendship first . Former Slut.
Free Spirit ... Junkie.
Old-fashioned ... No oral.
Open-minded ... Desperate.
Outgoing ... Loud and embarrassing.
Wants soul mate ... Stalker.
Independent Thinker . .. Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable . . . Large.
Dynamic ... Pushy
Assertive . .. Pushy with a mean streak.
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE ... Gold digger.
Excited About Life’s Journey . .... No concept of reality.
Unpredictable . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . .. Lacking basic social skills.
Thoughtful:....... Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Staminia.......On Viagara or cilis
Likes long walks.............lost drivers license
Likes candlelit dinners......electric is turned off
Overseas........Scammer
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
40-ish .......49
Young at Heart . . . . Over 50.
Youthful . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . ... Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Single.......Married and sleazing
Separated................What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt him
Honest: ..........Pathological liar
Likes to cuddle: .....Insecure mama's boy
Educated .................. Fucked to death at college
Mature: ........Older than your father
Romantic .................. Frigid
Long Time Single......Penile challenged or Minute Man
Likes to travel...............Has no permanent addres
Log fires, beach walks.............will say whatever it takes to have sex
Separated............... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Friends first ........... impotent
Take things slowly.............impotent and wants to see you tits without pressure to perform
Adventurous.......wants sex in the car on the first date
Separated....... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Self- Employed..............unemployed and sells things on e-bay, insolvent
NEVER DONE THIS ...... Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first.
LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT ...... Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.
UNIQUE Sex change.............. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.
NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS ............ I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am.
NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX.... I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.
Widow ..................... Murderer
Affectionate .... Horny.
Romantic ..... Horny.
Passionate ...... REALLY horny !!!
-
Long Time Single......Penile challenged or Minute Ma
- - - -
What is a Minute Ma?
Or should it be: Minute Man?
What is the analogy for a female?
-
Thank you so much ML for the alert. From the meaning, I think that it should be Minute Man.
My mistake, sorry. Corrected.
-
Some are written in capitals. Is that a hint ? ;D
-
Lily,
Good ones!
Or should it be: Minute Man?
What is the analogy for a female?
Sensual...........She wants at least 7 orgasms and requires more than one hour of tonguing, hard pounding, back dooring, et al. "Loving Dan" would not satisfy her. ("Loving Dan" comes from this classic "Sixty Minute Man" from the roots of Rock n Roll):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UZhPKydKcY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UZhPKydKcY)
-
Too much vodka...
http://www.wimp.com/withjackhammers/ (http://www.wimp.com/withjackhammers/)
-
She wants at least 7 orgasms . . .
Seven . . . that just comes from foreplay.
What are your numbers for 'real sex' (as my Gal calls it) ?
-
On talk show last night, the host asked Bill Clinton:
How is Hillary's head?
Bill: She's no Monica.
-
Mule Trading
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in
Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry,
fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our
money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do
with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell
nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &
Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz
gonna do.."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So
we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all US politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison
-
Cartoons
-
Subject: Fwd: Whorehouse Sues Church THIS IS TOO GOOD TO MISS!!!
MT. VERNON, TEXAS … WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
-
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
-
An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was
feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His
wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I
know he won't ask for directions."
-
An old man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into
the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was
feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His
wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your
life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I
know he won't ask for directions."
Remarkable woman :clapping:! What's her nationality?
-
President of Coca-Cola calls to Putin:
- Mr. President! Few years ago you replaced the text for the national anthem of Russia, but decided to keep the same melody as in Soviet times. May be you also agree to come back to the red color of the national flag as in Soviet, just replace hammer symbol with word "Coca" and sickle with "Cola"? If so we would make sure that Russian budget deficit is noticeably reduced.
Putin whispers to Medvedev:
- When the contract with Aquafresh is over?
-
President of Coca-Cola calls to Putin:
- Mr. President! Few years ago you replaced the text for the national anthem of Russia, but decided to keep the same melody as in Soviet times. May be you also agree to come back to the red color of the national flag as in Soviet, just replace hammer symbol with word "Coca" and sickle with "Cola"? If so we would make sure that Russian budget deficit is noticeably reduced.
Putin whispers to Medvedev:
- When the contract with Aquafresh is over?
I thought France had that contract????
-
I thought France had that contract????
Aquafresh didn't manage to get vertical strips from the tube, at the end they decided to approach the bigger piece of cake instead :popcorn: .
-
Birthday Reminder
-
Here is a great Russian souvenir idea. Russian Honey :) Good Bear - strong Willy :)
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2013-01/1358609956_5958855-r3l8t8d-500-meed.jpg)
Would someone suggest a better translation into English?
-
Here is a great Russian souvenir idea. Russian Honey :) Good Bear - strong Willy :)
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2013-01/1358609956_5958855-r3l8t8d-500-meed.jpg)
Would someone suggest a better translation into English?
Looks like a pretty good translation there Lily ;D
-
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
Asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-
Here is a great Russian souvenir idea. Russian Honey :) Good Bear - strong Willy :)
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2013-01/1358609956_5958855-r3l8t8d-500-meed.jpg)
Would someone suggest a better translation into English?
I can't say this one is better, just different ;D:
Teddy bear, teddy bear!
My gentle, soft, and cozy pair,
Don’t eat too much cedar cones,
They will harden all your bones.
-
I can't say this one is better, just different ;D :
Teddy bear, teddy bear!
My gentle, soft, and cozy pair,
Don’t eat too much cedar cones,
They will harden all your bones.
Pair of what?
-
Really . . . it's just a gas tank !!
-
Really . . . it's just a gas tank !!
LMFAO!!!!
-
From a Ukrainian woman's profile:
Минздрав предупреждает...экономия на женщинах ведет к онанизму!
-
From a Ukrainian woman's profile:
Минздрав предупреждает...экономия на женщинах ведет к онанизму!
I can't quite remember. Is that a bad thing?
-
I can't quite remember. Is that a bad thing?
It does lose in translation, just doesn't sound the same in English, but it goes something like this:
Минздрав предупреждает...экономия на женщинах ведет к онанизму!
Department of Health warns: trying to save money dating women leads to chronic masturbation.
-
It does lose in translation, just doesn't sound the same in English, but it goes something like this:
Минздрав предупреждает...экономия на женщинах ведет к онанизму!
Department of Health warns: trying to save money dating women leads to chronic masturbation.
:D
-
It does lose in translation, just doesn't sound the same in English, but it goes something like this:
Минздрав предупреждает...экономия на женщинах ведет к онанизму!
Department of Health warns: trying to save money dating women leads to chronic masturbation.
Hahaha. I think we got it the first time.
-
I have a secret that has been closely kept for way too long.
A friend told me that admiting it in public is the best way to set
it free. So. I am going to take that advice.
now, I have a confession to make.
ok, here it goes..
I let the dogs out ..
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doc.
'Not a chance', she said ... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'No problem,' replied the doc. 'Give him an' Irish Viagra '...
'What is Irish Viagra?', She asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a Week to let me know how things went 'the doc explained.
It was a week later when she called the doc, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! '
'Really? What happened? 'asked the doc.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in His coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, A twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging Fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me Cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters And took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! '
'Why so terrible?' asked the doc, 'Do you Mean the sex your husband provided wasn't Good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've Had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin 'Here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
-
From LoneDrake's travelogue....
... Yesterday.....We went to the movies :cluebat:
It was really a nice theater. 3D. Unfortunately the movie pretty much sucked. I would say the movie sucked even if I had know Russian. According to Eva the movie was in Ukrainian language even though 90% of the people in there speak Russian. I don't remember the name of the movie, however the plot is of a young man who is stuck out at sea in a lifeboat with a hyena,a tiger and a Zebra. If you ever think about going to see this movie....DON"T. It is stupid!!! Eva didn't like the movie either, but she did want to know what I thought of the theater....
Yes. Life of Pi!
(http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/8537/lifeofpi.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/339/lifeofpi.jpg/)
This is actually a wonderful, poignant movie. A story about a boy from a India who survived a shipwreck in the Pacific and eventually lived to tell the tale of his adventure.Richard Parker, the Bengal Tiger who actually died in the shipwreck, was re-lived by the boy through his imagination in his attempt to twist – maybe deny - the version of his fateful struggle and what he laid witness in the life raft they were on… Poignant line in the movie…”Life is a series of *letting go* with a few regrets of never having to say goodbye to some you held so dear.” The movie is critically acclaimed and will likely claim a few cinematic awards this year – if not the Best Picture. Incredible cinematographic visual experience and a fantastic, delightful screen presentation of telling a tale.
The blotch is some purists claim this story/movie was actually stolen from its original script titled *Max and the Cat*, a story about a Jewish boy and a Jaguar. Oh well...
…and there’s the American Version…"Bob and Max, a bride-seeker’s fate who also survived a shipwreck during his first voyage to FSU, titled, ‘The Life of Pie.’
The poignant picture below tells more than just a mere thousand words...the story may be fiction, but characters are real!
(http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/1989/lifeofpie.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/191/lifeofpie.jpg/)
:P
-
Lakers must have won last night. GQ's in a good mood.
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doc.
'Not a chance', she said ... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'No problem,' replied the doc. 'Give him an' Irish Viagra '...
'What is Irish Viagra?', She asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a Week to let me know how things went 'the doc explained.
It was a week later when she called the doc, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! '
'Really? What happened? 'asked the doc.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in His coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, A twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging Fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me Cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters And took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! '
'Why so terrible?' asked the doc, 'Do you Mean the sex your husband provided wasn't Good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've Had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin 'Here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
Funny story Mendy, but unfortunately, it helps perpetuate the myth that viagra and and other such help the libido in any way.
Still probably the most misunderstood medication of all time.
-
She said she could not accept my marriage proposal because her family would object.
Which family members would object, I asked.
My husband and children, she replied.
-
Funny story Mendy, but unfortunately, it helps perpetuate the myth that viagra and and other such help the libido in any way.
Still probably the most misunderstood medication of all time.
I wonder if Viagra effects may vary depending on the type or doze, something like Viagra Super Light (for decent kisses), Viagra Light (less decent but still kisses). I guess - Viagra Super Plus is what that Irish couple tested in Starbucks. Do we have experts here to explain? :P
-
Sex stimulator: for men (on the top), for women (in the bottom)
(http://s020.radikal.ru/i718/1301/65/c371e4389967.jpg)
-
Sex stimulator: for men (on the top), for women (in the bottom)
(http://s020.radikal.ru/i718/1301/65/c371e4389967.jpg)
What's not explained is that the bottom panel swithes are wired in series. All must be in the proper position for any output. LOL
-
What's not explained is that the bottom panel swithes are wired in series. All must be in the proper position for any output. LOL
:D Right!
That is why men can't afford more than one switch for themselves - they have to focus on the bottom panel as women are not very good with wiring even if it's isolated... :rolleyes:
-
:D Right!
That is why men can't afford more than one switch for themselves - they have to focus on the bottom panel as women are not very good with wiring even if it's isolated... :rolleyes:
Damn! You certainly are a welcome, fresh personality to this forum. It's nice to see that all FSU women are not angry and self centered. If you were not already married you would have our members beating your door down. Your husband is a very luck man!
I hope you stick around to show the newbies that there is hope if they are selective in their search for a FSU wife. LOL.
-
Damn! It's nice to see that all FSU women are not angry and self centered. If you were not already married you would have our members beating your door down. Your husband is a very luck man!
I hope you stick around to show the newbies that there is hope if they are selective in their search for a FSU wife. LOL.
LOL. You are right – not all FSU women are angry, self-centred and humorless, but most of us have wiring which work exclusively with alternating current source. So, the superior advice to all newbies is not to rush with conclusions after the first switches you tried – test the whole panel, better more than once, and see if you can deal with it!
Ops, somebody knocking at the door... LOL
-
Print it and put in your wallet!
(http://s019.radikal.ru/i618/1301/cd/b996b453d747.jpg)
-
(http://ec.l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock8012359.jpg)
In other words, a tipsy woman is ultra-safe ;D?
-
(http://ec.l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock8012359.jpg)
In other words, a tipsy woman is ultra-safe ;D?
Depends on who you are concerned about... If a man - yes, he will be pretty safe with a tipsy woman because most likely she will lose her interest in him. I can't tell the same about safety of the woman... :devil:
-
Most of the city residents had been gone for the day to visit an exhibit of exotic animals
that was in town for several days.
Not everyone could afford the ticket price and so two old babushki had stayed behind.
As the sun began to fade they sat on the steps outside their Minsk apartment, enjoying an evening smoke.
They relaxed and with each huff and puff sent twirls of smoke curling upward.
After a few minutes it began to rain and the second lady noticed that the rain had extinguished her cigarette.
Much to her surprise her friend calmly reached inside her purse, whipped out a condom,
bit off the end and fitted the condom over her cigarette just like a little raincoat.
The first lady sat there undeterred by the rain and continued to smoke her cigarette.
Well as you can imagine that next morning the 2nd lady was first in line when the neighborhood Apteka (pharmacy) opened.
She marched straight up to the pharmacy attendant and asked for a package of condoms.
Wide-eyed at the sight of a 80+ year old babushka ordering a box of condoms,
the pharmacy attendant stammered out the question, which brand of condoms would you like?
Oh heavens I don't care, replied the old babushka, as long as they're big enough to fit a camel.
The pharmacy attendant fainted.
-
(http://s44.radikal.ru/i104/1301/dc/a7001680ffff.jpg)
-
;D
-
Masturbation banned!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-b2YNErwxw
-
(http://s44.radikal.ru/i104/1301/dc/a7001680ffff.jpg)
Lily, this happens millions of times a day to men around the world.
'Blue balls' is a painful condition exclusive to males and trivialized (and even enjoyed) by females..
-
That video was hilarious! The guy's wife's reaction the first time she appeared in the clip was really funny. Maybe you have to be a guy to find it funny though.
-
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/AhL8l.jpg)
Happy translation!
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Lily, this happens millions of times a day to men around the world.
'Blue balls' is a painful condition exclusive to males and trivialized (and even enjoyed) by females..
Come on. No way we enjoy that.
Happened also to me, and often :(
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I/O, you see, I can't be too serious.
PS: I came back to my previous post and put " " for one word to make it more clear who is too serious here ;D.
(http://s017.radikal.ru/i431/1302/b8/ba1b8dd018ff.jpg)
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Best marriage proposal....
http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0
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http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2013/02/01/leno-makes-obama-clinton-60-minutes-segment-cialis-commercial (http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2013/02/01/leno-makes-obama-clinton-60-minutes-segment-cialis-commercial)
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Russian sizes and shapes
(http://i.piccy.info/i7/c366abff607a605c47845d7468829095/4-55-1637/37766110/getIm111age.jpg)
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IF YOU MARRY A RUSSIAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Russia. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)
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Best marriage proposal....
http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0)
Totally unexpected ending...classic! :ROFL:
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Try to guess the product of this commercial before it finishes.
It might seem scary in places; but it is not really.
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0
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Try to guess the product of this commercial before it finishes.
It might seem scary in places; but it is not really.
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0
That was a good commercial, made me laugh at the end.
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V. PUTIN :)
(http://s48.radikal.ru/i119/1302/46/b4a079b1b32a.jpg)
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V. PUTIN :)
(http://s48.radikal.ru/i119/1302/46/b4a079b1b32a.jpg)
Didn't he want to risk riding a full-grown adult? :toocool:
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Having read all of the threads on age disparity, I couldn't not share the following:
One young 22 Year old FSU Woman decided she was going to marry an old coot to get his money. So she found someone in his 80's. On the night of their honeymoon, the gal thought that she'd end it right there by giving him a heart attack and showed up in the sexiest negligee that she could find.
The old man walks into their bedroom and when he sees her he has a big smile on his face, and he was naked, just wearing a condom, a nose plug and earplugs. His new wife looked at him like he's from another planet but sweetly asked him about his choice of attire.
He answered that as to the condom, he believed in practicing responsible birth control, but as for the ear plugs and nose plug, he said that he could not stand the sound of a woman screaming or the smell of burning rubber.
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Pick Up Lines
Alien Booty Call: Perhaps you would like to exchange fluids and secretions in a simulated atmosphere?- - - - - - -
Astronaut Booty Call: I'd like to see what's under your Kuiper Belt. - - - - - -
Classic Booty Call: There are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like to add another?- - - - - - -
Classic Booty Call: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? - - - - - - -
Classic Booty Call: The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.- - - - - - -
Corporate Booty Call: Want to take a look at my benefit package? - - - - - -
Corporate Booty Call: I'd like to think inside your box.- - - - - - -
Astronaut Booty Call: My unit would like to explore your crater. - - - - - - -
Corporate Booty Call: Wanna give me a desk job?- - - - - - -
Astronaut Booty Call: Can I dock my rocket at your space station? - - - - - -
Astronaut Booty Call: Can you help me achieve a coronal mass ejection?- - - -
Contractor Booty Call: I'm skilled in the art of hand evacuation. - - - - - -
Caveman Booty Call: I think I just evolved into Homo Erectus.
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You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!
Q: Why does that blonde have the biggest breasts in the sixth grade?
A: Because she's 21
Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
Q: Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
A: On the first offense they give you Bears tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.
You're more confused than an Amish electrician!
Q: What's the definition of diplomacy?
A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
- - - - - - - -
- They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.
- Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
- I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.
- I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
- I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!
- I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.
- Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?
- Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.
- I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.
- Know what I like about your face? Me neither.
- Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
- Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.
- You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
- You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.
- You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.
- I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.
- You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.
- ''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''
- "What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"
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A man lands on Mars. He's the first human ever to step foot on the planet.
The first alien he encounters is a female. She is absolutely beautiful. Stunningly gorgeous. Everything he could want in a female of an alien race. Her only problem, aside from being green, is that she is 20 feet tall.
He looks at her. Thinks for a minute and says:
"Take me to a ladder. I'll see your leader later."
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True story. I was told this by a black man.
What is long and hard on all black men?..............................
Answer: 4th grade
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Superman was flying around and he was in the mood to take care of his manly needs. Using his x-ray vision he spotted Wonder Woman in her house laying on her bed naked moaning and groaning. Instead of knocking on the door unannounced Superman thought it best to fly in at super speed, do his thing and get out before Wonder Woman would notice so he did. Wonder Woman said "Whoa!!! What was that?" The Invisible Man said "I don't know but my butt hurts!"
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(http://cs405823.userapi.com/v405823160/4c05/kvHIkuu4-eA.jpg)
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A useful skill; until someone bursts her bubble!
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Why men should always let the woman speak first.
A real classic.
A couple of F words by the woman, but well worth it to watch until end.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/the_lucky_escape.shtml
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http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/the_lucky_escape.shtml (http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/the_lucky_escape.shtml)
There is a God, apparently.
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I don't know about the rest of the men, but I really enjoy the new Lily. Her decision to move to Canada was perfect.
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There is a God, apparently.
:ROFL:
And ML is correct, always let the woman talk first.
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I don't know about the rest of the men, but I really enjoy the new Lily. Her decision to move to Canada was perfect.
+1
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I don't know about the rest of the men, but I really enjoy the new Lily.
(http://cs405823.userapi.com/v405823160/4c05/kvHIkuu4-eA.jpg)
Dunno, I never quite imagined Lily to be quite so ..............endowed?
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
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America in the future. LOL
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The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
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I'll bet some gal would have paid $50,000 for a husband on floor number 5.
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(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/JL2SG.jpg)
"A Perfect Crime" ;)
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5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women
By: David Wong (http://www.cracked.com/members/David%20Wong) March 27, 2012
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/2/2/122822_v1.jpg)
If you're not the type to keep up with ugly, soul-killing political controversies, let me catch you up: A while back, hugely popular political commentator Rush Limbaugh lost a bunch of advertisers because he publicly called a college girl a slut and a prostitute after she suggested that health insurance plans should cover birth control. But he's paid to say outrageous things. If you really want to feel all dead inside, you need to listen to what the regular folk were saying.
For instance, on crazy political message board FreeRepublic.com, posters referred to the girl in the above-referenced story (Sandra Fluke) as a " Nasty, disease-ridden plodding uterus, an utter skunk crack-ho filthy whore, a prostitute slutbag juice-receptacle" and a " Sperm-burpin' gutter slut", and said she " ...is so encrusted and used, that I had to throw out my flat-panel TV because her appearance on my TV infected it with AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis". There are many, many more worse comments collected here (http://vikingkitties.blogspot.com/2012/03/its-like-car-wreck-of-hate-i-cannot.html) and here (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2854359/posts) and here (http://vikingkitties.blogspot.com/2012/03/sunday-special-rush-offers-apology-to.html).(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/2/0/122820_v1.jpg)
Now go to the front page of any mostly male discussion site like Reddit.com and see how many inches you can browse before finding several thousand men bemoaning how all women are gold-digging whores (7,500 upvotes) and how crazy and irrational women are (9,659 upvotes) and how horrible and gross and fat women are (4,000 upvotes). Or browse the "Men's Rights" section and see weird fantasies about alpha males defeating all the hot women who try to control them with their vaginas.
This current of white-hot rage has to come as a surprise to some of you, because we tend to think "sexism" is being dismissive toward women, or paying them lower salaries -- we don't think of it as frenzied "burn the witch!" hatred. Yet occasionally something like this Limbaugh thing will come along to prick that balloon, and out it pours. Like it's always waiting there, a millimeter below the surface.
Why? Well, you see ...
#5. We Were Told That Society Owed Us a Hot Girl
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/8/122798_v1.jpg)
Photos.com
Does it seem like men feel kind of entitled to sex? Does it seem like we react to rejection with the maturity of a child being denied a toy?
Well, you have to keep in mind that what we learn as kids is really hard to deprogram as an adult. And what we learned as kids is that we males are each owed, and will eventually be awarded, a beautiful woman.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/1/122801_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"Surprise! Just a little something for graduation."
We were told this by every movie, TV show, novel, comic book, video game and song we encountered. When the Karate Kid wins the tournament, his prize is a trophy and Elisabeth Shue. Neo saves the world and is awarded Trinity. Marty McFly gets his dream girl, John McClane gets his ex-wife back, Keanu "Speed" Reeves gets Sandra Bullock, Shia LaBeouf gets Megan Fox in Transformers, Iron Man gets Pepper Potts, the hero in Avatar gets the hottest Na'vi, Shrek gets Fiona, Bill Murray gets Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters, Frodo gets Sam, WALL-E gets EVE ... and so on.
Hell, at the end of An Officer and a Gentleman, Richard Gere walks into the lady's workplace and just carries her out like he's picking up a suit at the dry cleaner.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/3/122803.jpg?v=1)
"I'll take the one in brown flannel. I don't need a bag."
And then we have Star Wars, where Luke starts out getting Princess Leia (in The Empire Strikes Back), but then as Han Solo became a fan favorite, George Lucas realized he had to award her to him instead (forcing him to write the "She's secretly Luke's sister" thing into Return of the Jedi, even though it meant adding the weird incest vibe to Empire). With Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling played with the convention by having the beautiful girl get awarded to the sidekick character Ron, but she made it a central conflict in the story that Ron is constantly worried that, since Harry is the main character, Hermione will be awarded to him instead.
In each case, the woman has no say in this -- compatibility doesn't matter, prior relationships don't matter, nothing else factors in. If the hero accomplishes his goals, he is awarded his favorite female. Yes, there will be dialogue that maybe makes it sound like the woman is having doubts, and she will make noises like she is making the decision on her own. But we, as the audience, know that in the end the hero will "get the girl," just as we know that at the end of the month we're going to "get our paycheck." Failure to award either is breaking a societal contract. The girl can say what she wants, but we all know that at the end, she will wind up with the hero, whether she knows it or not.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/4/122804.jpg?v=1)
"Wait right there. I need to go defeat my demons and realize the strength was in me all along."
And now you see the problem. From birth we're taught that we're owed a beautiful girl. We all think of ourselves as the hero of our own story, and we all (whether we admit it or not) think we're heroes for just getting through our day.
So it's very frustrating, and I mean frustrating to the point of violence, when we don't get what we're owed. A contract has been broken. These women, by exercising their own choices, are denying it to us. It's why every Nice Guy is shocked to find that buying gifts for a girl and doing her favors won't win him sex. It's why we go to "slut" and "whore" as our default insults -- we're not mad that women enjoy sex. We're mad that women are distributing to other people the sex that they owed us.
Yes, the women in these stories are being portrayed as wonderful and beautiful and perfect. But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/6/122806.jpg?v=1)Photos.com
"Careful, you'll make my tie smell like whore, 'friend.'"
Which brings us to the next problem ...
#4. We're Trained from Birth to See You as Decoration
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/7/122797_v1.jpg)Photos.com
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with putting a pretty girl on the cover of a magazine or posing her next to a shiny new car. The pretty girl gets a good job, men want her, women want to be her, everybody is happy. Right?
The problem is that it goes way deeper than that.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/3/122793_v1.jpg)
"Brought to you by the American Corn Farmers Association."
From my experience, if there is a fundamental difference between male and female sexuality, it's this: There are actual occasions where women aren't thinking about sex. Here, let me show you an extreme example. I'm going to quote a Free Republic thread again, because I quite frankly can't stop reading them. These are some comments they made about a female public figure, and I want you go guess who it is:
"Her face is so ugly you can smash it into some dough and make gorilla cookies."
"So fugly, I'd say 'don't even look'!!!"
"At least Medusa was modestly attractive by comparison."
"This person is disgusting and I would never trust 'it's' opinion on ANYTHING!"
Have you guessed? They're talking about Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/5/122795.jpg?v=1)Via Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dean_Kagan.jpg)
A woman who didn't just graduate from Harvard Law -- she became the fucking dean.
Yes, even in that setting, when judging a female for a position on the highest court in the land, our instinct is still to judge her suitability as a sex partner. It's the first thing we notice. And you could just write that off as a bunch of douches being shallow, but then you have to realize how all of society has conformed to this. Forget about objectification in the media or fashion industry -- go to a diner, they've got the pretty girl waiting tables. Go to a department store, they'll have a pretty girl selling you pants.
See, that's the difference. With men, there are some scenarios where it stops mattering how he looks. With women, it always matters. In a comedy movie, the male wacky sidekick can be the chubby Zach Galifianakis or the nearly deformed Steve Buscemi. But if the female wacky sidekick isn't attractive, like the overweight Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids, then every scene needs to be about how ugly and fat and mannish she is. That has to be the core of her character.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/4/122794_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"You mean there's other things in the world besides food? Surely you jest."
Her role in society or level of accomplishment doesn't matter. Even if she's a damned candidate for the Supreme Court, the female always has a dual role: to function as a person, and to act as decor.
And we get pissed if she doesn't do her job. Check out any article about a female celebrity who has gained weight. Here's literally the first one I found on Google, a blog post about how fat Christina Aguillera has gotten. Check the comments:
"fuck her! I have a full-time job, go to grad school full-time, cook at home every night and still find time to get my ass to the gym. lazy ass fat bitch ..."
Don't get me wrong -- if it's a male celebrity in the article, you'll get lots of people making fun of his fatness. If it's a female, you get anger.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/6/122796_v1.jpg)Getty
That's her, two months ago, by the way. How dare that fucking bitch?
She owes it to us to be pretty. That's the social contract as we've understood it from the time we were toddlers.
And it's a no-win situation. We hate you if you're ugly; if you're pretty, then ...
#3. We Think You're Conspiring With Our Boners to Ruin Us
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/9/9/122799_v1.jpg)
Photos.com
... aka, Why Do You Think the Garden of Eden Story Has a Snake?
First, you need to understand something about the unique love/hate relationship men have with their penises.
Do you remember that story about police having to free a guy who got his dick stuck while humping a pool filter? Or that other guy who git stuck humping a park bench, or the other guy who got stuck humping a picnic table? Or that judge who got caught jerking off while on the bench listening to testimony? (http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/7/122807_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"Do me a solid and bring that one chick with the huge boobs (http://www.cracked.com/funny-212-boobs/) back up to testify."
You see this type of story come up a lot -- check your local police blotter. And they all have something in common: They're all guys.
Seriously, do a Google search for "masturbating in public library." Notice something in common with all of those stories? They're all dudes. Obviously I'm not saying women don't pleasure themselves ( every single study would prove me a liar); I'm saying that men are far, far more likely to engage in extremely high-risk masturbation in public. They're more likely to do it at work, and they're more likely to do it in situations where they could go to jail.
No, it's not some rare, weird exhibitionist fetish, either. It's that they can't even wait the couple of hours it'd take to do it safely at home.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/8/122808.jpg?v=1)
It's why we refer to the IT guy as "cockblocker."
It makes absolutely no sense. All calculation of risk goes out the window. Why?
It's because, in males more so than females, the sex drive is completely detached from the rest of the personality. The part of the male brain that worries about job security or money or social reputation or legal consequences has almost no veto power over the sex drive. You've heard guys say they were "thinking with their dick" or "I was thinking with the little brain" or "I took an order from Captain Bonerhelmet." That's what they're referring to.
Science doesn't seem to totally understand why the "base urges" part of the brain reacts differently in men. Maybe it's just a matter of having 10 times as much testosterone in their system, or maybe society has trained us to be like this, or maybe we're all spoiled children. My theory is that evolution needs males who will stay horny even in times of crisis or distress, and thus cuts off the brain's ability to tamp down those urges. Whatever -- nailing down the cause isn't the point. The point is that a man can be giving the eulogy at his own grandmother's funeral, and if there is a girl in the front row showing cleavage, he will be imagining himself pressing those boobs in his face, with his own dead grandmother not five feet away.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/9/122809_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"And that's why I know that grandma is boobing down on our cleavage today in this titties time."
When that happens, when we get that boner at the funeral, we get mad at the girl showing the cleavage. Because we, ourselves, our own rational personality that knows right from wrong and appropriate from inappropriate, knows this is a bad place to get a boner. So it comes off like cleavage girl is conspiring with our penis to screw us over.
Is that a crazy thing to think? Yep! That's why it's so frustrating, especially if you don't have a whole lot of emotional maturity, and grew up with male role models who had even less.
No, this doesn't excuse anything. Obviously, "She was asking for it!" is still a bullshit rape defense. All I'm saying is when you see guys actually get annoyed or angry at the sight of a girl showing too much skin, or if you see them eager to degrade or humiliate the girls at the strip club, this is why. It's probably why some Muslims make their women cover themselves head to toe.(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/0/122810_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"Where's your eye drape? You trying to get us arrested?"
And in the Bible, it's Eve who tempts Adam to sin ... by conspiring with a snake.
Every male reading this is going to think I'm belaboring the obvious (after all, the world is ). But I have never explained this to a woman who didn't look at me like I was insisting that all men are secretly werewolves.
But even this isn't the thing that makes us angriest ...
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html#ixzz2LwCI2tY5 (http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html#ixzz2LwCI2tY5)
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#2. We Feel Like Manhood Was Stolen from Us at Some Point
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/2/122802.jpg?v=1)Photos.com
You know how every comedy has that stock character of the womanizing, amoral guy who just says what he thinks all the time, and cares only about himself? Joey in Friends, Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, Sterling Archer in Archer, Gob in Arrested Development, Ashton Kutcher's character in That '70s Show, Michael in our Web series (http://www.cracked.com/video_18282_f.u.b.a.r.-king-up-wrong-tree.html), the title character in my books (http://www.amazon.com/John-Dies-End-David-Wong/dp/0312659148/ref=pd_sim_b_1)?
Guys love that character because he's doing what, on some level, we all wish we could do. It's also why you have all of these ad campaigns desperately appealing to males who fear that they've lost their masculinity ("If you use a competitor's product, we're going to have to take away your Man Card! (http://deadspin.com/5844327/screw-you-and-screw-your-man-card)")
See, every single male can remember the first time, when he was 5 or 6 years old, he showed his penis to a stranger and everybody started freaking the hell out. He can remember the first time he got in trouble for hitting somebody, for peeing in public, for trying to jump off some high object or set something on fire. All of the core male urges, all the suggestions whispered to us by Darth Penis, all of it gets us in trouble.
And, when we get nostalgic for the past, we always dress it up in some ridiculous fantasy like 300, where everybody is shirtless and screaming and hacking things with swords. We are fed this idea that at one time, this is how the world was -- all of these impulses that have been getting us grounded and sent to detention from kindergarten on used to be not only allowed, but celebrated.
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/8/122818_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"No, just hold on. I'm gonna ramp you over that car."
And then at some point, women took it all away.
A once-great world of heroes and strength and warriors and cigars and crude jokes has been replaced by this world of grumpy female supervisors looming over our cubicle to hand us a memo about sending off-color jokes via email. Yes, that entire narrative is a grossly skewed and self-serving version of how society actually evolved. It doesn't matter.
The result is a combination of frustration and humiliation and powerlessness that makes us want to get it back in the only way we know how: with petty, immature acts of meanness.
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/9/122819_v1.jpg)Photos.com
"Now, maybe next time you'll remember who has the dick in this business."
#1. We Feel Powerless
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/0/0/122800_v1.jpg)Photos.com
I don't know what it's like to be a woman. I haven't been one in a long time. So as a result, it's not easy for me to describe what it's like to be a man, because I don't know what you're using for context. I'm going to do my best:
Did you ever watch old cartoons where a character is starving on a desert island, and when another character approaches, he's so hungry that he imagines the other character as a talking piece of food (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Meat-O-Vision)?
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/2/122812_v1.jpg)Via TV Tropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Meat-O-Vision)
Third panel omitted due to graphic content.
It's like that for most men, most of the time. We're starving, and all women are various types of food. Only instead of food, it's sex. And we're trying to conduct our everyday business around the fact that we're trying to renew our driver's license with a talking pair of boobs. So, from about age 13 on, around 90 percent of our energy and discipline is devoted to overcoming this, to behave like civilized human beings and not like stray dogs in a meat market. One where instead of eating the meat, they want to hump it.
Right now I'm reading a book from mega-selling fantasy author George R. R. Martin. The following is a passage where he is writing from the point of view of a woman -- always a tough thing for men to do. The girl is on her way to a key confrontation, and the narrator describes it thusly:
"When she went to the stables, she wore faded sandsilk pants and woven grass sandals. Her small breasts moved freely beneath a painted Dothraki vest ..."
That's written from the woman's point of view. Yes, when a male writes a female, he assumes that she spends every moment thinking about the size of her breasts and what they are doing. "Janet walked her boobs (http://www.cracked.com/funny-212-boobs/) across the city square. 'I can see them staring at my boobs,' she thought, boobily." He assumes that women are thinking of themselves the same way we think of them.
Do you see what I'm getting at? Go look outside. See those cars driving by? Every car being driven by a man was designed and built and bought and sold with you in mind. The only reason why small, fuel-efficient or electric cars don't dominate the roads is because we want to look cool in our cars, to impress you.
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/3/122813.jpg?v=1)Photos.com
We also assume you have the taste of a pimp.
Go look at a city skyline. All those skyscrapers? We built those to impress you, too. All those sports you see on TV? All of those guys learned to play purely because in school, playing sports gets you laid. All the music you hear on the radio? All of those guys learned to sing and play guitar because as a teenager, they figured out that absolutely nothing gets women out of their pants faster. It's the same reason all of the actors got into acting.
All those wars we fight? Sure, at the upper levels, in the halls of political power, they have some complicated reasons for wanting some piece of land or access to some resource. But on the ground? Well, let me ask you this -- historically, when an army takes over a city, what happens to the women there?
It's all about you. All of it. All of civilization.
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/5/122815_v1.jpg)Photos.com
Nope. Can't see a single symbolic thing about this illustration.
So where you see a world in which males dominate the boards of the Fortune 500, and own Congress, and sit at the head of all but a handful of the world's nations, men see themselves as utterly helpless. Because all of those powerful people only became powerful because they heard that women like power.
This is really the heart of it, right here. This is why no amount of male domination will ever be enough, why no level of control or privilege or female submission will ever satisfy us. We can put you under a burqa, we can force you out of the workplace -- it won't matter. You're still all we think about, and that gives you power over us. And we resent you for it.
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/4/122814.jpg?v=1)Photos.com
"Now you squat down and crap your pants, or you never touch these boobs again."
All of the most bitter disputes work like this, by the way: Both sides think they're the powerless party. It's why tipping servers is such a bitter topic among some people (http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-innocent-sounding-topics-that-are-guaranteed-flame-wars/) -- the server feels like the customer has all of the power (because their entire income comes from tips), and the customer feels like the server has all the power (because they can deny them food and drink and ruin their one night out). It's why the richest people in the world can talk like they're besieged victims (http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-things-rich-people-need-to-stop-saying/), and mean it. It's why the male leaders of the most powerful and richest church in the world can talk like they're being made martyrs due to women asking for birth control (http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/14/u-s-bishops-reject-obama-contraception-compromise/). And mean it.
Which brings us back to where we started. If you add all of this together, you get a world where this woman can testify before Congress about her friend suffering from ovarian cysts ...
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/6/122816_v1.jpg)Via Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sandra_Fluke_Responds_to_Nationwide_Campaign_Against_Contraceptives.ogv)
... and a male political cartoonist will draw her like this:
(http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/8/1/7/122817_v1.jpg)Via Caglecartoons.com (http://www.caglecartoons.com/viewimage.asp?ID=%7B7F851FC0-529B-4AE3-B706-9FED9761DD0A%7D)
Sorry, ladies.
David Wong is the Senior Editor of Cracked.com and the author of the ridiculous New York Times bestseller This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don't Touch it (http://www.amazon.com/dp/0312546343/ref=cm_sw_su_dp). Dave's movie about dong monsters starring Paul Giamatti (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy83MPk7Wpg) IS AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD NOW ON iTUNES (http://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/john-dies-at-the-end/id586527823), AMAZON INSTANT VIDEO (http://www.amazon.com/John-Dies-Watch-Before-Theaters/dp/B00ATLKQQI/ref=zg_bs_2958997011_12), YouTube (http://play.google.com/store/movies/details/John_Dies_at_the_End?id=X0qUHncWdnI) and through any other streaming service you can think of (http://www.facebook.com/johndiesmovie/app_190322544333196).
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women_p2.html#ixzz2LwIHZPG6 (http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women_p2.html#ixzz2LwIHZPG6)
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http://youtu.be/CkoMbxHQmuM (http://youtu.be/CkoMbxHQmuM)
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Woman Got Away from Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire.
Here is the woman's story in her own words.
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised
by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must
have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here
today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took . . . the bear
got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection....
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Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took . . . the bear
got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
One does not need to outrun a bear to survive. Just got to outrun the other guy.
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(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/558074_423141654437175_2127296193_n.jpg)
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Is it my imagination or was that guy painted to resemble Lenin? At least in the face. If so, good job.
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He was, Larry 8)
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Wish I could do it.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/eSKCi9ml4ME
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Wish I could do it.http://www.youtube.com/embed/eSKCi9ml4ME
You can. All it takes is a few lessons and a compaitible partner. Dancing is a great physical activity for couples to share in. Second best to the 'other' physical activity. ;D
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What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
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(http://www.tu-tu-tu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/boobs-01.jpg)
(http://www.tu-tu-tu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/boobs-02.jpg)
(http://www.broadsheet.ie/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/ManBoobs2_Poster.jpg)
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(http://www.tu-tu-tu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/boobs-01.jpg)
(http://www.tu-tu-tu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/boobs-02.jpg)
(http://www.broadsheet.ie/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/ManBoobs2_Poster.jpg)
:ROFL:
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.
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Spring in Russia >:(
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/Fz0Px.jpg)
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/aNUS4.jpg) "Russian Spring"
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/XHjwL.jpg)
Writing on the snow "Get a d**k instead of summer. Santa"
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/U3dfY.jpg)
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/y8hnC.jpg)
Caption: "The frost paints in Russia can be severe"
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/0EvHm.jpg)
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/8cFzk.jpg)
On the left: "My usual walking route"
On the right: "My usual walking route in spring"
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/CR2AN.jpg)
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/xQLlW.jpg)
"It's spring..Think of yourself as of Mario"
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/gsYL3.jpg)
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/N6UhA.jpg)
"Thanks God I have my shovel..oh shoot, it is in the trunk!"
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British Cell Phone Humor
http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0
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Nancy Pelosi use of drugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U1ShwjleSE
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British Cell Phone Humor
http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0)
Doug, you mislabeled this; where is the cell phone humor?
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Sorry, I must have pasted the wrong link. Try this one. LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Jreqe8rTy3Y
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Very funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Jreqe8rTy3Y
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(http://media.urbandictionary.com/image/large/eastereggs-6016.jpg)
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(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/hyvS7.jpg)
(http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/269311_564615206895787_1763547774_n.jpg)
(http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/482770_632321193450091_277057799_n.jpg)
Are you afraid of sleeping alone? Get a kitten!
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Lily,
I love your sense of humor. ;D
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Jacob, Age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they
go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry."
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http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf
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http://clipnation.com/ultimate-golf-fail-compilation/
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It is well understood that many (most) (all) men here are so old they have probably forgotten what a lot of things look like, or even what to do with many things.
So just a small reminder regarding the looks issue; the what to do with it . . . I can't remember.
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It is well understood that many (most) (all) men here are so old they have probably forgotten what a lot of things look like, or even what to do with many things.
So just a small reminder regarding the looks issue.
How can anyone forget what a pussy(cat) looks like?? :P
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It is well understood that many (most) (all) men here are so old they have probably forgotten what a lot of things look like, or even what to do with many things.
So just a small reminder regarding the looks issue; the what to do with it . . . I can't remember.
One good thing that we can do it is waxing >:( but how on earth do you wax this cutest creature?? :-X
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One good thing that we can do it is waxing >:( but how on earth do you wax this cutest creature?? :-X
Lily, didn't you put the smily signs in wrong places ??
Also, I need to look up an old joke about washing a cat.
Maybe someone else can remember it already.
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Lily, didn't you put the smily signs in wrong places ??
Very funny ML. Took me a minute to figure it out. ;D
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Didn't find the cat joke I was looking for. But came across this listing of top 100 Stand Up Comics. Can't argue much about the top 10, although I would have put Bob Newhart in there and I never heard of Bill Hicks.
However, from a 'modern' perspective, I would move up Jerry Seinfeld,
Denis Leary, and Garry Shandling.
Just off the top of my head, I would say Rodney Dangerfield and Woody Allen are the most quoted. Some real classics from both: Take my wife . . . please. Sex is like the card game bridge; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
1. Richard Pryor 2. George Carlin 3. Bill Hicks 4. Bill Cosby 5. Lenny Bruce 6. Woody Allen 7. Steve Martin 8. Don Rickles 9. Jonathan Winters 10. Rodney Dangerfield 11. Sam Kinison 12. Stephen Wright 13. Robin Williams 14. Andy Kaufman 15. Eddie Murphy 16. Redd Foxx 17. Chris Rock 18. Eddie Izzard 19. Billy Connolly 20. Jerry Lewis 21. Jerry Seinfeld 22. Steve Coogan 23. Ricky Gervais 24. Lewis Black 25. Emo Phillips 26. David Cross 27. Richard Belzer 28. Joan Rivers 29. Mitch Hedberg 30. Denis Leary 31. Dave Chappelle 32. Peter Kay 33. Patton Oswalt 34. Jon Stewart 35. Brian Regan 36. Jeff Foxworthy 37. Zach Galifinakis 38. Sarah Silverman 39. Bob Hope 40. Louis C.K. 41. George Burns 42. Richard Jeni 43. Doug Stanhope 44. Albert Brooks 45. Bob Newhart 46. Phyllis Diller 47. Bill Bailey 48. Bill Maher 49. Brian Posehn 50. Eugene Mirman 51. Adam Sandler 52. Doug Benson 53. Harland Williams 54. Bobcat Goldthwait 55. Dave Attell 56. Demetri Martin 57. Janeane Garofalo 58. Greg Giraldo 59. Victor Borge 60. Mike Birbiglia 61. Arj Barker 62. Jim Breuer 63. Stephen Lynch 64. Paul F. Tompkins 65. Jim Gaffigan 66. Jim Norton 67. Maria Bamford 68. Bob Saget 69. Jimmy Carr 70. Dylan Moran 71. Tim Allen 72. Ellen Degeneres 73. Jay Mohr 74. Larry David 75. Freddie Prinze 76. Bill Dwyer 77. Jackie Mason 78. Lily Tomlin 79. Gregg "Neil Hamburger" Turkington 80. Christopher Titus 81. Ed Byrne 82. Garry Shandling 83. Stewart Lee 84. Mort Sahl 85. Flip Wilson 86. Tim Vine 87. Colin Quinn 88. Daniel Kitson 89. Judah Friedlander 90. Martin Lawrence 91. Dom Irerra 92. Lee Evans 93. Carlos Alazraqui 94. John Mulaney 95. Joe Rogan 96. Dick Gregory 97. Margaret Cho 98. Howie Mandel 99. Dara Ó Briain 100. Bill Burr |
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I would have moved Eddie Murphy into the top ten. I think he's funnier than George Carlin, who is ranked two on that list.
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I would have moved Eddie Murphy into the top ten. I think he's funnier than George Carlin, who is ranked two on that list.
George was more original; perhaps one of the most original of all times.
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George was more original; perhaps one of the most original of all times.
Not really. I saw him in person once and didn't laugh once. It was a piss and moan bitch rant for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Many folks including myself just got up and walked out. Those that stayed said he never did say anything funny.
He was good, cutting and original in the early years. From the 80's on he was nothing but a bitter old has been
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I guess everyone has their own thoughts on what is or isn't humorous.
I really liked George Carlin humor...didn't agree with it but funny to me. I also liked Steve Martin and Chris Rock.
All time favorite was Laurel and Hardy...can't beat them!!!
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Not really. I saw him in person once and didn't laugh once. It was a piss and moan bitch rant for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Many folks including myself just got up and walked out. Those that stayed said he never did say anything funny.
He was good, cutting and original in the early years. From the 80's on he was nothing but a bitter old has been
Agree for the most part about Carlin. He did have some funny stuff, but his language was so offensive to both myself and my date. We also walked out of his Vegas show.
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(http://img.ifcdn.com/images/33b7970d0c5a4516777dd7340afc0929e6a75e99_1.jpg)
On maternity leave...
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whoever made up that list had some serious personal bias issues to not include andrew dice clay among the top 100 standup comics of all time.
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(http://www.zurmat.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/men-are-like-bluetooth-women-are-like-wi-fi.jpg)
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On maternity leave...
hahahaha !
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic
conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in
the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please
explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is
easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry
the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with
the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation
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(http://s3.uploads.ru/YlAGo.jpg)
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It happened on an English language lesson in a Russian school >:(
http://youtu.be/YBymcJSu5Xc (http://youtu.be/YBymcJSu5Xc)
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That's hilarious! I can't even understand his English.
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Herring Under Fur Coat - version of a creative FSUW
(http://s2.uploads.ru/OqTSl.jpg)
Americanized FSUW Herring
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/VnF2R.jpg)
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/m5Whs.jpg)
That's how pride look like
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That's hilarious! I can't even understand his English.
It's tragic. Turn down the sound, and focus on his and the student's body language. He's a poor excuse for a teacher, employing ridicule, intimidation and fear. Scarier still is that he probably is convinced his style is effective.
The defensive kick to the gonads served him right.
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East meets West: this issue of Playboy in 1975 was dedicated to the docking of Soyuz and Apollo :)
(http://statehistory.ru/img_lib/blog/ussr2/soyuz-apollo/pic3.jpg)
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It's tragic. Turn down the sound, and focus on his and the student's body language. He's a poor excuse for a teacher, employing ridicule, intimidation and fear. Scarier still is that he probably is convinced his style is effective.
The defensive kick to the gonads served him right.
I agree, but isn't that elder abuse? ;D
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Lily,
I am going to send the 3 photos to my gal. I'll bet she can make a meal out of #1,#2. Is that you in photo #3? ;D
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No Doug..but is that you in the 1975 photo? ;)
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No Doug..but is that you on the 1975 photo? ;)
It was not supposed to be published. ;D
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(http://img.ifcdn.com/images/33b7970d0c5a4516777dd7340afc0929e6a75e99_1.jpg)
On maternity leave...
What do you do when you have triplets? ;)
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What do you do when you have triplets? ;)
Why, you call on the Triple Hearts Agency...
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What do you do when you have triplets?
Why, you call on the Triple Hearts Agency...
(http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=4594.0;attach=30751;image)
I should have known better.
Do you know if she is still single? :)
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Do you know if she is still single? :)
A triple being single :o? Do your math ;D.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/548349_10151356613785965_1831086120_n.jpg)
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Very funny skit. For daddys that raised daughters.
http://www.youtube.com/v/sZqPQPhsuX4?version=3
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Simple but creative: Sausetti
(http://s2.uploads.ru/KFEwd.jpg)
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(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/6444/133069443.161/0_af754_ab357085_XL.jpg)
(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/4127/133069443.161/0_af7d6_d0c7adef_XL.jpg)
(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/5633/133069443.161/0_af730_7afccdce_XL.jpg)
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Good ones Lily. ;D
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Very funny skit. For daddys that raised daughters.
http://www.youtube.com/v/sZqPQPhsuX4?version=3 (http://www.youtube.com/v/sZqPQPhsuX4?version=3)
ROTFL !!! Two daughters and thank goodness I never had to go thru that !
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(http://s3.uploads.ru/kbaMJ.jpg)
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Ha ha. I don't think now I can enjoy them as much as I used to. :'( :D
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(http://s3.uploads.ru/REpX6.jpg)
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A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."[/size][/b]
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(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/lIsLX.jpg)
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
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Cute gag.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/bAYrcu5_Pko?rel=0
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After 43 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Proof of Global Warming
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(http://i.piccy.info/i7/7c9c34d83ac113be23bcefb2d7ead125/4-57-409/17112029/getImage_15__500.jpg)
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Interesting in another thread we were just discussing Russian 'directness' !! This gets right to the point Lily.
Yes, I realize the drawing might not have been done by a Russian, but I couldn't resist.
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For you wanna-be parents
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(http://www.brooklynmodelworks.com/Images/15love_toilet.jpg)
Washroom poetry on the washroom door:
" No smoking, no fkucing,
Only pissing, only kaking''
:D
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/944639_453142584777026_1215271428_n.jpg)
"Now you can leave your husband to wait here, while you do your shopping"
On the playground: BOOBS
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/485408_453142074777077_1245469026_n.jpg)
Men in the kid nutrition department of a grocery store
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/179565_453142758110342_657132564_n.jpg)
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/481017_575463889153828_500802401_n.jpg)
Ad in the Kiev public transit:
(http://storage1.censor.net.ua/images/2/6/a/d/26ada41182319b5279cf37fe743ddad3/638x722.jpg)
"Learn English! Otherwise you'll stay in this country forever!"
Lessons with a native speaker
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/182775_190286334457991_1234123157_n.png)
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2Tall, did you see the episodes of "Everyone Loves Raymond" where policeman brother Robert applied for FBI job and their mother went to FBI offices to 'help?'
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2Tall, did you see the episodes of "Everyone Loves Raymond" where policeman brother Robert applied for FBI job and their mother went to FBI offices to 'help?'
Nope :D
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Nope :D
A couple of clips from the episode
Part 1 of 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cThuaPUD_Q Robert is with the FBI hire guy
Part 2 of 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8neJpsFmzQg Marie is with the FBI hire guy
This episode is Lucky Suit Season 6 Episode 16
Seen every episode myself.
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I thought Seinfeld was best ever; then I thought Raymond was best ever; then 2 and Half Men; now Big Bang.
With Raymond . . . did anyone see the episode when Mother Marie created the sculpture that looked like a 'female body part?' Hilarious.
Another great one was when Raymond bought a sexy game, and Debra actually wanted to play it.
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What do you see on the picture? :D
(http://s3.uploads.ru/mrATg.jpg)
(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=87362&d=1368381525)
(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=87360&d=1368379067)
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I see a girl's popka, but I think it's actually a guy's right deltoid and pectoral muscles.
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I say it is 100% butt; cleverly intertwined with the top and bottom to make us think otherwise.
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Nice tush !
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(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=87335&d=1368315211)
Aren't the boobs where the popka is supposed to be??
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/182775_190286334457991_1234123157_n.png)
(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=87360&d=1368379067)
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was beat up by the woman's husband.
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ML, do you remember when Russians seemed convinced that the CIA had somehow flooded the market with condoms that contained tiny pinholes? I head that story from so many Russians yet no one could explain why the CIA would do such a thing, after all, a country repopulating itself is a formidable foe.
True story: Mrs M always had me stock up whenever I would travel outside Russia because she didn't trust Russian made condoms. She was (and is) convinced that the Russian ones have tiny holes. We must "buy American."
Another almost real story: A CIA “psychological warfare” campaign idea was to drop packages along border area with extra-large condoms — labeled ‘medium’ in English — in order to make Russian women think all American men were exceptionally virile.” Evan Thomas in The Very Best Men. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684825384/qid=1100884935/sr=1-1/ref=%20sr_1_1/002-0972584-9458462?v=glance&s=books)
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Sad cat diary:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk
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ML, do you remember when Russians seemed convinced that the CIA had somehow flooded the market with condoms that contained tiny pinholes?
Another almost real story: A CIA “psychological warfare” campaign idea was to drop packages along border area with extra-large condoms — labeled ‘medium’ in English — in order to make Russian women think all American men were exceptionally virile.” Evan Thomas in The Very Best Men. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684825384/qid=1100884935/sr=1-1/ref=%20sr_1_1/002-0972584-9458462?v=glance&s=books)
No, I don't think I heard such stories. Actually, I didn't pay much attention to SU or FSU until around 1999 or so.
There was another story told by Jay Leno (supposedly from the real news) that a huge shipment of condoms had been returned from Japan to USA because they were too large.
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BUBBA'S RESUME TO PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE
My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern, I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the Fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well.
Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a Job wit my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Bubba
PS:
Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
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Employer's response:
Dear Bubba:
It's OK Honey . . . We've got spell check.
See you Monday !
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No, I don't think I heard such stories. Actually, I didn't pay much attention to SU or FSU until around 1999 or so.
There was another story told by Jay Leno (supposedly from the real news) that a huge shipment of condoms had been returned from Japan to USA because they were too large.
After which they were sent to Africa, but were returned again for being too smal. The now old condoms were repackaged as Russian brand and finally they got rid of them...
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(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/923496_520681114659504_392697358_n.png)
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(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/943068_520401481354134_493848513_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/969298_520102061384076_582544883_n.jpg)
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http://youtu.be/ZNM0ENUCO5I (http://youtu.be/ZNM0ENUCO5I)
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was beat up by the woman's husband.
;D ;D
(http://s2.uploads.ru/t/GxXPB.jpg)
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(http://www.kagakribet.com/imajinasi/imajinasi564.jpg)
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First Stealth fighter retired to the boneyard (salvage).
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/945651_623879410974858_263502296_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/969430_623658247663641_1075857880_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/954678_623643934331739_516948428_n.jpg)
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(http://tormashki.net/uploads/posts/2013-05/1368685893_68.jpg)
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When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
This a-hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
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That's what a traditional doghouse looks like in Russia:
(http://s3.uploads.ru/t/mXFTw.gif)
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Two couples had been friends for years. Over time the husband from couple one passed on and the wife from couple two then passed.
Naturally the remaining widow and widower hung out together constantly and finally their children approached both and said "You have know each other and been friends for so many years and now in the last period of your lives you should share the time together and get married."
So the two oldsters met to iron out the details. A simple wedding was the most appropriate and instead of an elaborate honeymoon they decided to take an RV trip together. They discussed finances and life insurance proceeds, etc.
After a while the man was getting edgy about something so he looked at her intently over the table and finally in a low voice asked about sex. How often would you like do it, he inquired.
She hesitated for a moment and then said, infrequently.
The old man was silent for a moment or two and then he leaned forward and whispered, was that one word or two?
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She hesitated for a moment and then said, infrequently.
The old man was silent for a moment or two and then he leaned forward and whispered, was that one word or two?
A slightly better version (maybe):
She hesitated for a moment and then said, "I would like it infrequently."
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:D
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/264490_579316218768595_1293070940_n.png)
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Is that from a Miami, Florida hotel?
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(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/296227_528754207183005_1884285195_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/417818_528750940516665_1572490729_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/580417_528750533850039_299389615_n.jpg)
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Some amazing athletic feats
http://www.youtube.com/embed/A6XUVjK9W4o?list=PL9458E0DA29E8E2BA
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Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
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Sorry, a repeat of Doug's post.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/936757_582530615113822_2071827682_n.jpg)
Russian Crocodile Ghena made with cucumbers :)
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WHY MEN ARE SELDOMLY DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.]
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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The Soviet Superman: ShaurMan
(http://files.adme.ru/files/news/part_38/388955/3843205-R3L8T8D-500-shaurma_1.jpg)
Russian road police is cooler than Batman!
(http://files.adme.ru/files/news/part_18/184055/gibdd.jpg)
Russian Grannies sing a Britney Spears song :)
http://youtu.be/4FpD8wF1s6E (http://youtu.be/4FpD8wF1s6E)
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Russian Police Ghostbusters :)
(knowledge of Russian recommended for watching)
http://youtu.be/zKHr4Td7TR4 (http://youtu.be/zKHr4Td7TR4)
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Lily, the singing babushek were funny, especially when spilling her chai/vodka.
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(http://s08.radikal.ru/i181/1305/73/3bfd8a55f6a2.jpg)
Forgot to buy the diapers!
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.
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Never thought of this.
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(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/5011/aussaria177.c/0_6cee3_ccdeae5c_L.jpg)
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What?? No whipped cream??
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Where's the cherry?
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Lily, your recent posts here show you've become somewhat raunchy :o. Is the Canadian air inspiring you to a more risqué attitude than before ;D?
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Lily, your recent posts here show you've become somewhat raunchy :o . Is the
Her posts are innocent. What's going through men's imaginations are another story.
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When I have posted pics similar to what Lily posts, my posts have been deleted and I get a nasty warning message from a mod.
But yes, I know Lily and I have different physical characteristics, and I don't have that magical RW designation.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/968957_475589905851851_229101333_n.jpg)
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Jeff Foxworthy
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Lily, your recent posts here show you've become somewhat raunchy :o .
Yeah, her metamorphosis is quite shocking. >:D
GOB
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Not to be 'making light' of some recent breakups or near breakups here but . . . just got this humor in my email today.
If you really love someone . . . let them go.
If they come back . . . no one else wanted them either.
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Seeing a spider isn't a problem.
The problem is when the spider disappears.
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Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?
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I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 5 years in a row.
- - - - - --
I wasn't planning to go for a run today.
But those cops came out of nowhere.
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At the bank, I told the cashier I wanted to have a joint account.
She said, OK with whom?
With anyone who has a lot of money in their account.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Olga, I've seen these Attorney humor bits many times.
But each time; I still laugh at some of them. I like the autopsy ones and age ones.
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Olga, I've seen these Attorney humor bits many times.
But each time; I still laugh at some of them. I like the autopsy ones and age ones.
I work as a trial production manager and my husband is a trial consultant. At the last trial during the defense expert cross examination I had to cover my mouth :D
Attorney: Dr X, are your a board certified Orthopedic surgeon?
Dr X: Yes, I'm
Att.: When last time did you perform the surgery on a live person?
Dr X: in 1993, after I performed surgeries on cadavers till 2005.
Att: Why did you stop to perform surgeries on cadavers?
Dr X: I have prostate problems. You can not leave a patient when you feel urgency.
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One more snippet from a trial, a line of questioning was about a screw.
- I don't do the screwing in my house, my husband does all the screwing. (Giggling in the courtroom)... mmm I meant he does all the handyman work.
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Modern day Annie Oakley
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Bad situations
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Do your dogs eat this politely when out in public?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVwlMVYqMu4
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Note: Close your office door before you get to the end
= = = = = = == =
A Farm Kid joins the Marines
Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
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Your loving daughter, Alice [/font]
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Statue of Liberty :)
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/184490_464845710273380_1044005268_n.jpg)
New Bachelor TV-Show in Russia
(http://s60.radikal.ru/i167/1306/e0/00754c9f34cc.jpg)
Ukrainian Coalas
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/923250_586738508026366_1858304547_n.jpg)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6w71XVtRj0
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-oqQyzucbE
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1017592_669230939759019_2125820528_n.jpg)
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(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2013-06/1371644457_fungif_12.gif)
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OMG Lily you are cruel. Good thing I am on my way to Kiev in a few days. ;D
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If those are real, which I have my doubts about [not talking about being implants either], then I think that bouncing around cannot be good for the health of the affected skin around the mammary area.
If they are real, she is a prime candidate for breast reduction surgery.
I have heard that is a very popular surgery in Brazil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTVskNPgtPA
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(http://s5.uploads.ru/t/FKLEV.jpg)
(http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/6726/203685331.16/0_b8579_557e4362_orig)
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Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "The weather has been cold, wet and damp and there aren't any flowers, so I just can't make honey."
No problem said the second bee, "Just fly down five blocks, and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the first bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.
The second bee asked, "How did it go?"
"Great!" said the first bee. "It was everything you said it would be.
There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head:" asked the second bee.
"That's my yarmulke" said the first bee.
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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(http://s4.uploads.ru/LpfvN.jpg)
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Translation?
-
''Do you have photos of your breasts?
In a swimmsuit.
Do you have even more outrageous photos?
Do you mean, photos of my naked breasts?
Yes
I'll make a picture with my cellphone right now
Make some more from different angles. You can do it standing at the mirror, so that your face and body are visible.
How about this angle? ;D '
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(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-06/1371543209_047.jpg)
(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-06/1371649772_012.jpg)
(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-05/1367901575_022.jpg)
(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-05/1367901548_027.jpg)
(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-05/1368673396_018.jpg)
(http://www.vmir.su/uploads/posts/2013-05/1368191958_012.jpg)
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(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p480x480/1044256_510669655672840_162978767_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1014114_510668652339607_1225011788_n.png)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/993076_510422095697596_971665556_n.jpg)
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Not humor, but great.
Collection of Budweiser Commercials
Anyone know where I could buy a Clydesdale?
[/size]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g77TQx2ZvE0&feature=player_embedded[/u][/i][/size][/font][/color][/font]
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Little Johnny has a vision
- - - - - - - - -
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . . "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
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A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
A family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck."
A psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."
A surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky.
He then turns to a pathologist and says, "check if that was a duck."
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married.
And she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
-
Lovely cake ;)
(http://batona.net/uploads/posts/2013-08/1376362788_010.jpg)
'Julia, bite me softly'
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(http://batona.net/uploads/posts/2013-08/1376282358_136.jpg)
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Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked...,
'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?
'She replied...
'Probably golfing with his buddies.’
-
A young woman received word that her elderly grandfather had passed away due to a heart attack. Both her grandparents had reached 100 years so she flew to be with Grandma.
As the two sat down the granddaugher asked "Grandma, what happened?"
Grandma: "It was Sunday morning and we were having sex..."
Granddaughter: "Sex? At 100 you were still having sex?"
Grandma: "Oh child, it was our Sunday morning tradition and we usually took it slow. In fact, we paced ourselves to the church bells down the street. One toll for 'in' and the next toll for 'out' and that rhythm worked fine as usual, right up until this Sunday when a damn ice cream truck came down the street."
-
(http://www.tehnari.ru/attachments/f49/123977d1362020033-0_7924c_9cade181_xl.jpg)
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Message from NSA
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What deep thinkers men are!!!
I mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a beer.
My wife walked by and asked me what was I doing and I said 'nothing.' The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what.' At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would have led to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
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But you neglected to consider the duration of the process, which in the case of childbirth may be hours - unlikely in the other case, unless the kicker is VERY insistent and/or the kickee is (not surprisingly) somewhat impeded from fleeing his tormentor ;D.
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Police chase in Orange County, California
Or . . . the woman is trying out for stunt driving job.
http://offtheedgehumorpics.blogspot.com/2013/04/orange-county-police-car-chase-hilarious.html
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A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS:
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
-
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a regular sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine."
"It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Redneck Abs
-
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm going to take that.'
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer.
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1235003_10152650802453475_1690869046_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1240150_10152648525478475_1006621397_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1236713_10152646673533475_1618390528_n.jpg)
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Hilarious
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI
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On the Dutch radio there is a competition for the 'shame name', which are names that can cause confusion.
It is known that the name of our former prime-minister Kok caused some hilarity but the winner of the competition was a woman who encountered rude behaviour in the USA each time she introduced herself.
Her name: Fokje Modder
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Her name: Fokje Modder
Shadow, can you use American English letters to spell out how this is pronounced? e.g. Is the j pronounced as an American y, etc.
Thanks
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Ménage à trois gone wrong !!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/13/terry-antone-jenkins-assault-girlfriend-threeway-cousin_n_3920709.html?hpweird=y
Biggest question . . . why was he not enjoying it ???
-
Ménage à trois gone wrong !!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/13/terry-antone-jenkins-assault-girlfriend-threeway-cousin_n_3920709.html?hpweird=y (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/13/terry-antone-jenkins-assault-girlfriend-threeway-cousin_n_3920709.html?hpweird=y)
Biggest question . . . why was he not enjoying it ???
The idiocy of complete idiots should never be underestimated
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1382808_657289770982235_944190015_n.jpg)
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For Sandro and others
How Italian farmers tell the time of day.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/how_italians_tell_time.shtml?utm_source=Cartoon+Alert+5.26.13&utm_campaign=5/26/13+Cartoon+Alert&utm_medium=email
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(http://www.expatua.com/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=12348.0;attach=6593;image)
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.
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Washington Redskins solve name controversy
(http://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p320x320/1385076_10151641798800841_445648643_n.jpg)
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PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARDS - FINALISTS[/size][/b][/font] [/color]
[/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)[/color]
[/size] [/color]
[/size]How does this even get past the planning phase?[/font][/b][/color]
[/size][/font][/b] [/color]
[/size][/font][/b] [/color]
[/size][/font] [/b][/color]
[/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)&%$@#[/font] [/b][/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)Hmmmmm…[/font] [/b][/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.4&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)Should have measured twice![/font] [/b][/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.5&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1) [/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> [/size]Apparently, you don’t want anyone seeing your face, [/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size]but everything else is okay?[/color]
[/size] </blockquote> </blockquote> [/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.6&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1) [/color][/size]The oak seat is a nice touch, though.[/font][/b][/color]
[/size] [/color]
[/size] [/color]
[/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.7&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)And the purpose for the door is?[/font] [/b][/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.8&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)This stall is for people that have arms like an Orangutan...[/font] [/b][/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.9&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)This would be the “half bath” noted in the real estate listing? [/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size](http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.10&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1) [/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> [/size]Very Classy!And, only three steps when you’re in a hurry![/font][/b][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size]AND THE PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO.....[/font][/b][/color]
[/size] </blockquote> </blockquote> (http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=141f5a634e49734e&attid=0.1.11&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1) [/color] [/size][/color]
</blockquote> [/size]Brilliant....[/font][/b][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size]ALL OF THESE PLUMBERS ARE THANKFULLY NO LONGER IN THE BUSINESS.[/font][/b][/color]
</blockquote> </blockquote> [/size]THEY HAVE SADLY BEEN ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE AND NOW SERVE IN VARIOUS POSITIONS IN THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.[/font][/b][/color]
[/size]
</blockquote></blockquote>[/color]
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ML, your post is a right royal mess, at least on my screen :(, all tags - mostly empty - and no images. I tried some fixing, but had to give up.
Try again ;)
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ML, your post is a right royal mess, at least on my screen :( , all tags - mostly empty - and no images. I tried some fixing, but had to give up.
Try again ;)
Considering the title of this thread, I think he's playing a joke on us.
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How women use beer to rape men
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
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ML, your post is a right royal mess, at least on my screen :( , all tags - mostly empty - and no images. I tried some fixing, but had to give up.
Try again ;)
Let me give it a try
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-1.jpg)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U4MK_NYbTEM/UjITPpostTI/AAAAAAAAGBk/Qhk4ddOtktw/s1600/ASdgfhjkj.jpg)
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-2.jpg)
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Try again ;)
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-5.jpg)[size=78%]
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-6.jpg)
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-7.jpg)
[/size]
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ML, your post is a right royal mess, at least on my screen :( , all tags - mostly empty - and no images. I tried some fixing, but had to give up.
Try again ;)
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-18.jpg)
(http://www.baconwrappedmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Plumber-Of-The-Year-23.jpg)
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PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARDS - FINALISTS[/size][/b][/font]
Some people just don't know how to tell a joke :)
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I have seen some of these pictures that are similar of what I saw when I was in the military at my last command. They put up a wall in the window so now you can never open or a close a window. They put in a closet and the closet door is directly underneath a light cover so you cant change the bulbs and now the lights are useless since they are out so the closet is always dark. They put in a wall in one large room to make it into two smaller rooms and to turn the lights off and in one room you have to go to the other room they never did reroute the wires and make a light switch to the room that didn't have any in the first place.
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:(
Poor girl was voted 2013 US #1 choice for a Halloween Costume....
(http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/2084/otnu.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/199/otnu.jpg/)
(http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/5184/ka4f.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/841/ka4f.jpg/)
:P
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:(
Poor girl was voted 2013 US #1 choice for a Halloween Costume....
(http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/2084/otnu.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/199/otnu.jpg/)
(http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/5184/ka4f.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/841/ka4f.jpg/)
:P
Well, unless she has another head that we can't see, what's wrong with her?
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Well, unless she has another head that we can't see, what's wrong with her?
She was originally on the healthcare.gov website before it was changed.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg92MyUGTFc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg92MyUGTFc)
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....
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvUMV1N7eGM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvUMV1N7eGM)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxbZgB5UNO8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxbZgB5UNO8)
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As sick as I must be, I *really* love the first one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0onLurNv4s (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0onLurNv4s)
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Don't know Daveman, saw the first video and parts of the second and I gotta say it's more sad than funny. Kinda sadistic I would say, on unsuspecting People who watched too many horror stories on TV or something, and were prone. This is too crude for my taste even though I chuckled a couple of times. Must have been Hell on Earth (literally) for those subjected to it at the time.
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Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdK4iWsfIPY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdK4iWsfIPY)
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPYfTw2l8Vs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPYfTw2l8Vs)
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAz6RO2TRqE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAz6RO2TRqE)
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http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhLN0cjDRqE (http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhLN0cjDRqE)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn37LXlARAY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn37LXlARAY)
An involved prank, evidently done in preparation for a beer party.
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An involved prank, evidently done in preparation for a beer party.
Absolute classic! Makes me proud to be a Kiwi! :thumbsup: Even my mother was :ROFL: .
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Don't Argue With Idiots: http://vitaminl.tv/video/885?ref=fbsm (http://vitaminl.tv/video/885?ref=fbsm) ;D
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Absolute classic! Makes me proud to be a Kiwi! :thumbsup: Even my mother was :ROFL: .
The congeniality of the men (or "boys" as they call each other) impressed me, as if they are part of a tight team. Uninsulated water pipes reveals you do not have cold winters (or do you call it summer).
Tui beer is a new one. I enjoy IPA and read that it is NZ's favorite. Only 4.0% alcohol?!?! A little less than our light beers. Foster's is 5.1%. Are stronger beers available in NZ, or government controls it? When in Sweden my friend could buy beer greater than 3.5% only at government stores, and the price so expensive that the store sold it by the bottle.
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Disclaimer, below is an offensive non politically correct photo.
DON"T look at it !
(http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/breast-tattoo/breast-tattoo.jpg)
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(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h05b1mC3DX4/UeVN4VgK-kI/AAAAAAAAC9g/ip1-s_UD3WU/s640/550409_402776863123178_198749510_n.jpg)
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The congeniality of the men (or "boys" as they call each other) impressed me, as if they are part of a tight team.
Here's the story behind the video - http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/better-business/9180127/Tui-prank-video-a-YouTube-hit (http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/better-business/9180127/Tui-prank-video-a-YouTube-hit)
Uninsulated water pipes reveals you do not have cold winters (or do you call it summer).
No, Auckland doesn't have cold winters (although Floridians may think otherwise). Average daytime temperature during the winter is 10 - 14 degrees (Celsius), with nights going down to 5 or 6. Sheltered parts of the city do occasionally get down to zero, and we also get occasional frosts (although there was only one at my house this year). Summer days average 22 to 26 degrees, with occasional hotter ones. Our record temperature is only 32, because we have harbours on both sides of the city which tend to keep the climate extremely mild. Humidity in summer can be irritating (of places I've visited, Venice is most similar), but it's nowhere near as bad as Bangkok or Honiara.
Tui beer is a new one. I enjoy IPA and read that it is NZ's favorite. Only 4.0% alcohol?!?! A little less than our light beers.
The Tui brewery was established in 1889. It's best-known for its catchy billboard advertisements, which all feature the punchline "Yeah right." See a sample in the collection here:
http://www.dailydawdle.com/2013/01/hilarious-and-brilliant-yeah-right-tui.html (http://www.dailydawdle.com/2013/01/hilarious-and-brilliant-yeah-right-tui.html)
Foster's is 5.1%. Are stronger beers available in NZ, or government controls it? When in Sweden my friend could buy beer greater than 3.5% only at government stores, and the price so expensive that the store sold it by the bottle.
Yes, stronger beers are available, but they're less popular now because of drink-driving laws.
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Recreating childhood photos
http://imgmoo.com/index.php/896/recreating-childhood-photos/
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Recreating childhood photos
http://imgmoo.com/index.php/896/recreating-childhood-photos/
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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you
now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you
last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.
"She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that
tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a
great lover.
Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fcok off.
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Xmas is just around the corner 8)
*+20°C (Celsius) - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them).
* *+15° - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them).
* *+10° - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.
* *+5° - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
* *0° - Water freezes in America , in Russia it thickens.
* *-5° - French cars don't start.
* *-10° - You're planning a vacation to Australia .
* *-15° - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.
* *-18° - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic. * *-20° - American cars don't start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.
* *-25° - German cars don't start. Hawaiians are dead.
* *-30° - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.
* *-35° - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don't start.
* *-40° - You're planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don't start.
* *-42° - Transportation stops in Europe . Russians eat ice cream on the street.
* *-45° - All Greeks are dead. Politicians really start doing something for the homeless.
* *-50° - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska , people close the window in the bathroom.
* *-60° - White bears start moving south.
* *-70° - Hell freezes.
* *-73° - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland . Russians wear earmuff hats.
* *-80° - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
* *-114° - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.
* *-273° - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.
* *-295° - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.*
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I firmly believe that some of the more fascinating and humorous moments are video clips taken with animals. This one is no exception. I watch the darn video and I can't help but laugh...You need to listen with the audio on.
http://youtu.be/PIDx7n7fXqI (http://youtu.be/PIDx7n7fXqI)
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That raccoon sure loves grapes huh?
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(http://apikabu.ru/img_n/2011-06_3/8eaf5e.gif)
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(http://img1.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/2//66/846/66846550_1264185477_1ldxvejkxumb_198.jpg)
Annual meetup of the summer tires users
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That raccoon sure loves grapes huh?
Raccoons are cute. I have not seen them live until I moved to Toronto.
Here is a good compilation
http://youtu.be/VRkiomz8P9w (http://youtu.be/VRkiomz8P9w)
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Raccoons are remarkable.
My friend in the 4th grade had a pet raccoon found as a kit. The coon would jump you upon entering the house and rummage through your pockets with its "hands."
The coon was large and would venture outside where the neighbor's dogs would tree it. After a while the coon would tire of the game, scamper down and walk away at a slow pace. The dogs continued their barking yet not dare approach the coon. The dogs had learned earlier that if they got too close the coon would swipe their nose with sharp claws. One dog had a serrated ear. ;)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1463764_705398806147800_184809574_n.jpg)
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(http://xmage.ru/images/9967954803.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1463764_705398806147800_184809574_n.jpg)
And then they get eaten by the chimpanzees who have heard the racket! :(
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1463764_705398806147800_184809574_n.jpg)
Maybe they fake the orgasms also.
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(http://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1457463_683552221710853_144438582_n.png)
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(http://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/524067_683091368423605_1804855426_n.jpg)
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(http://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1472869_682680751798000_1624101719_n.jpg)
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(http://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1441248_682635541802521_756516734_n.jpg)
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I suppose this is needed when encountering different cultures.
Also, today I went into the handicapped toilet chamber as some man was taking forever at the urinal. The toilet had a new design, I guess it is a low-volume flush toilet. Oddly, it had a sign:
Warning: flushing of neighboring toilets may cause water to erupt upwards. :o :o :o
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Christmas is only over the corner!
Ever saw a Russian Santa Claus dancing like this?
http://tubethe.com/watch/i81ReimFshQ...osto-ogon.html (http://tubethe.com/watch/i81ReimFshQ/ded-moroz-otzhigaet-prosto-ogon.html)
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Christmas is only over the corner!
Ever saw a Russian Santa Claus dancing like this?
http://tubethe.com/watch/i81ReimFshQ...osto-ogon.html (http://tubethe.com/watch/i81ReimFshQ/ded-moroz-otzhigaet-prosto-ogon.html)
Yes, at a New Year's party in Russia. Except that Santa Claus / Father Frost wore pointed toe loafers.
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http://www.youtube.com/embed/Y-jiot0fSvk?rel=0
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Translated especially for the RWD :D
New topic on a Russian forum: I want to have sex very much. Olga, 30 yo (18+ please).
Andrey, 19 yo: Cutie, jot down my cellphone number. Lots of pleasure and 10 orgasms guaranteed.
Eugeny, 60 yo: Darling, have you tried growing flowers? Gardenias, for example?
Olga: Why?
Eugeny: - You know, that may distract you.
Olga: Hey Eugeny, may be you just fcuk me instead of those gardenias?
Daria, Eugeny’s wife, 55 yo: Olga, you are one dirty biotch! Women like you destroy families and drive men crazy. You should get married and get a child!
Olga: Granny, may be you join Evgeny and I?
Oleg, 40 yo: How about I join the two of you instead of Daria. Afraid that Evgeny won’t last long.
Evgeny: I beg your pardon! In case you don’t know, I used to be a sailing champion!
Andrey: Then sail the hell away from the forum! Don’t you see that the girl needs a young stalion!
Oleg: Hey you stalLion, get your hand out of your pants, otherwise you are making typing mistakes. Olga, welcome to my home, you won’t regret it!
Svetlana, lesbian,35 yo: Hi Olga, there is nothing better than when two women love each other. Men only bring disappointments.
Olga: Hmm, I was thinking about trying it with another woman!
Andrey: You go, girls! You two do it, and I fcuk both of you!
Oleg: You better fcuk the stray dog from the house where I live. The mean creature howls all through the night!
Evgeny: You know guys, Daria and I refuse to take part in this orgy!
Svetlana: Right decision, you better ornate our bed with rose petals!
Evgeny: Just make sure that your mattress is good for it!
Andrey, Yes, make sure it makes no noises. Each time when I bring a girl, my parents awake.
Oleg: I can offer you good imported mattresses for affordable price.
Daria: How about the quality?
Olga: Wait, what damned mattresses? My topic was about getting some sex!
Oleg: I could fcuk you right on the mattress so that you could be convinced about the quality.
Andrey: And whom I am going to fcuk??
Oleg: Well, you can do Svetlana.
Andrey: But she is a lesbo!
Oleg: Look, a lesbo is better than a stray dog anyway )))
Anton, 16 yo: Offer you a real business opportunity online. $ 160 per hour.
Svetlana: Looks like the boy want to make a porn film about us.
Evgeny: I have a better suggestion. Let’s make a BBQ! I am good at making it!
Daria: This is the only thing that you are still good at.
Oleg: Sounds great. Booze is on me!
Andrey: May I bring a girlfriend? Looks like Olga and Svetlana are not very eager…
Evgeny: How about getting together this Saturday?
Svetlana: I agree!
Olga: Me, too!
Oleg: I just got a toast – to Olga! We would not be a company without her topic!
-
Translated especially for the RWD :D New topic on a Russian forum: I want to have sex very much.
My dear Lily, I'm getting worried about you :(: many of your recent posts here seem to indicate that, more or less subconsciously, you're sex-starved :o. I don't think you should have much worries in that department, considering you're a very attractive woman. Are Canadians so immune to your all-too-evident charms? Maybe you should consider emigrating to a warmer environment :D.
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Sorry for too many Russian curse words in this clip. The dialog of two men is too ordinary to be interesting. The Russian way of driving is remarkable, though :D
http://youtu.be/rj6kYKyJ76s (http://youtu.be/rj6kYKyJ76s)
"Looks like we are swimming now..Where are you driving at? - To the shore, dammit.."
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My dear Lily, I'm getting worried about you :( : many of your recent posts here seem to indicate that, more or less subconsciously, you're sex-starved :o .
Sandro, it can be just the opposite, especially for women because they are capable of much more pleasure from sex than men.
Sex can be addictive, such that the more you have, the more interest you have in it. And conversely, a lack of sex can lead to diminished desire for it.
There are neural pathways back and forth from genitals to brain; these can become 'rusted' and 'sluggish' when not energized and utilized regularly.
Of course, everyone knows this.
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Lily, as AW say, GO GIRL!
There was nothing sexual about the car driving off the road and plunging into the cold river. Surely there is a Part 2.
-
Christmas jokes anyone?
-
German TV commercial that would not be allowed in USA .... yet, at least; but we are inching toward it.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0
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German TV commercial that would not be allowed in USA .... yet, at least; but we are inching toward it.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0
Love it! :clapping:
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ML,
This ad is a hoot. A friend sent it to me two days ago. I though about posting it, however, I had just posted the clip about a woman straddling the head of a bystander (sitter actually) and I feared I would be called out for too many coochie jokes.
I wonder if coffee sales increased.
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This is probably not humorous to some. Yet with my twisted SOH, I laughed as well as shook my head in dismay.
http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/12/18/creepiest-obama-story-yet-just-got-creepier
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Anyone got a similar sweater knitted by a RW for Christmas?
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1522227_638699546188817_1421091622_n.jpg)
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Over the past year I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes
to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.. and even posted a few here.
Unfortunately I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.
Looking to 2014 onward, I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational
content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics. To initiate my new policy, below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604.
OH WOW! WHERE DID SHE COME FROM????
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Bridge? there is a bridge? Oh yeah. Now i see it.
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Almost a cul...vert :P - due to the low ambient temperature ;D.
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Almost a cul...vert :P - due to the low ambient temperature ;D.
I knew this was worth looking up. I understood vert was "green" but cul threw me as I never learned such French words. I was thinking green thumb. Now I know. Sandro, you are able to pun in different languages - extraordinary.
The connection to ambient temperature eludes me.
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The connection to ambient temperature eludes me.
A freezing exposed butt can acquire unusual colours ;).
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In the same anatomical vein, I'll relate a VERY old French joke that my father told me:
A man goes to Orly airport (CDG wasn't built yet ;)) to catch a flight. At the check-in desk he's asked his name, and replies:
- Je m'appelle JELLOQ: JE, deux L, O, Q
At which the desk attendant replies:
- Mais monsieur, si vous avez deux ailes au cul, puorquoi prendre un avion?
;D
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In Russia, preparations for the Winter Olympics are going on:
(http://xmage.ru/images/1517591598.jpg)
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In Russia, preparations for the Winter Olympics are going on:
(http://xmage.ru/images/1517591598.jpg)
:ROFL:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi6ELAinliA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi6ELAinliA)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKUipxR3bDc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKUipxR3bDc)
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Similar conditions often occur during winter in the Northern Adriatic area, e.g. in Trieste, when the bora, a NE katabatic wind, blows at speeds of up to 250 Km/h:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXFLc4aSlmE&hd=1
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:ROFL:
Entrance to the Olympic village?
Practice for the dog sled race?
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1480733_567241326700484_1864202469_n.jpg)
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For Gator and other such persons:
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
[/size]The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
[/size]After several minutes not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...
[/size]"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
(http://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=0261aeb851&view=att&th=14320d449d9ad5e8&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)
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A real cool British woman in the elevator.... and the accent is just wonderful :P
www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0NXFUSYZxc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0NXFUSYZxc)
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(http://magickalgraphics.com/Graphics/ChristmasFunny/chfunny1.gif)
(http://magickalgraphics.com/Graphics/ChristmasFunny/chfunny26.jpg)
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(http://magickalgraphics.com/Graphics/ChristmasFunny/chfunny1.gif)
Actually, it is best if curved at tip for benefit of G-spot.
But don't tell Misha in Canada . . . because apparently G spot doesn't exist in Canada.
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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? [/size][/font]
They really know how to solve an old guy's problem!
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Japanese Sex
A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.....
Husband says: Sukitak . . .
Wife replies: Kowanini . . .
Husband says: Toka a anjirodiroumiyakoo! . . .
Wife on her knees literally begging: Miminakoundindatinkouji! . . .
Husband replies angrily: Namiaoukinatimkouji! . . .
And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if you understand Japanese!
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1544427_643118462413592_727840143_n.jpg)
Happy coming New Year Russia!
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1512837_194312247429982_904922968_n.jpg)
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1011551_562060207214692_1193942020_n.jpg)
"Dear Santa, please don't put my present under the tree. Just bring it right into my garage".
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A secret of making a good profile photo
(http://s019.radikal.ru/i641/1312/4b/795b72895995.jpg)
(http://s6.uploads.ru/t/B0SLi.jpg)
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
HER FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR. SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.
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Isn't it a great business idea for a new chewing gum Russian style? ;D
(http://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1479493_697358760283712_564612099_n.jpg)
Top gum flavour "Herring under the fur coat"
Bottom gum flavour "Juicy Olivier salad"
:D
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(http://f.prikolov.net/prikol/files/2009/obyavy/pic19815.jpg)
"Kolya, the boss wanted to talk to you.
P.S. You were a good friend..''
-
A secret of making a good profile photo
(http://s019.radikal.ru/i641/1312/4b/795b72895995.jpg)
She doesn't look overly thrilled, though :-\ ;).
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When the fat lady sings ... ;D
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/p480x480/1376624_713345325359781_1233146784_n.jpg)
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Figureheads used to be prettier once ::):
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5e/Figurehead_Christian_Radich.jpg)
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A woman who stayed in a hotel asks why the amount on the bill for staying in the hotel is $5000.
The hotel administrator told her that the hotel is very high end.
'But the amount is by any stretch too big', she said.
The administrator said that the hotel has a wonderful swimming pool and a huge conference center, and she could use all that.
'But I did not use them', the woman said.
'Our hotel has wonderful parties where many celebrities take part', commented adiministrator.'You could have make a full use of our facilities!'
'I have not seen a single party here', the woman replied.
'In our prices, all these opportunities that we make for you, are included. That explains our prices.'
Finally the woman had to pay. She gave the hotel administrator $500.
'You gave me only $500 ma'am', he reacted.
'That's right. I deducted $4500 for your having sex with me', the woman said.
'But I never slept with you!'
'Well, I stayed here for a few days, and you could have used the opportunity', she said.
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(http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-ZWzPME-Cwwg/UjEOR3MTqUI/AAAAAAAAAeE/Gt7-uLFn2Rc/w506-h296/loll.gif)(http://s4.uploads.ru/t/sWu9m.jpg)
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Finally Assol got her Scarlet Sails ;D
(http://s4.uploads.ru/wcuB3.jpg)
-
(http://s1.uploads.ru/t/AJ2yP.png)
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Essential Russian phrases for tourists ;D
РАЗМЕЩЕНИЕ
Ничего, если я разведу костер?
Can I make a fire?
В вашей гостинице завтрак входит в обед?
Is breakfast included into the lunch in your hotel?
Позаботьтесь о моей лошади.
Take care of my horse.
Я хотел бы пожить у вас дома
I would like to stay at your place.
Почему у моей комнаты сменили номер и там другие люди?
Why has my room number changed and why are there other people in there?
ТРАНСПОРТ
Как пройти прямо?
How do I go straight ahead?
Эта бабушка уже мертва две станции.
This old lady has been dead for two stations already.
Сколько километров до Бердичева?
How many kilometers to Berdichev?
ПРИВЕТСТВИЯ
Могу я называть вас Иннокентий?
Can I call you Innokentiy?
Кто вы такой и что мне от вас нужно?
Who are you and what do I need from you?
Здравствуйте, земляне.
Hello, Terranes.
ДОСТОПРИМЕЧАТЕЛЬНОСТИ
Где мой зонт? Я тоже хочу быть гидом.
Where is my umbrella? I want to be a guide too.
Где в вашем крематории сувенирная лавка?
Where is the souvenir shop at your crematory?
Оно так и было, когда я пришел!
It already was like this when I came!
Этот великолепный собор (храм, дворец) похож на плывущего кенгуру.
This magnificent cathedral (temple, palace) looks like a swimming kangaroo.
Я не могу больше на это смотреть.
I cannot look at this any longer.
ПОКУПКИ
Мне это не нужно, отговорите меня, пожалуйста.
I do not need this, talk me out of it.
Этот шоколад точно с фольгой?
Are you sure this chocolate comes with foil?
РАЗВЛЕЧЕНИЯ
Я не знаю, откуда взялась эта мертвая шлюха в моем номере.
I have no idea how this dead whore got into my room.
Как мне пройти в самый опасный квартал в вашем городе?
How do I get to the most dangerous neighborhood in your town?
ЕДА И НАПИТКИ
Я не могу есть грибы — я им обещал.
I can not eat mushrooms — I've promised them.
Вы уже потратили чаевые, которые я давал вчера?
You have already spent the tip I gave you yesterday?
КОММУНИКАЦИИ
Говорите тише, я вас все равно не понимаю.
Speak softer, I cannot understand you anyway.
Извините, я не говорю на вашем варварском языке.
Sorry, I do not speak barbarian.
Я разнорабочий в филармонии — кладу кафель на музыку.
I am a handy-man in a philharmonic. I'm setting tile on the music.
Не могли бы вы меня понюхать?
Can you smell me?
Я обещал своей семье привезти сердце неверного.
I've promised my family I'd bring them the heart of the infidel.
Где я могу найти стоматологию с самообслуживанием?
Where I can find a self-service dentist office?
В вашем примитивном языке есть слово для обозначения благодарности?
Does your primitive language have any words of gratitude?
Вы не могли бы недолго подержать мой нож?
Run away from me as fast as you can?
В моей семье принято относиться снисходительно к таким, как вы.
My family is usually lenient towards people like you.
Отпустите, у меня есть право на звонок авокадо!
Let me go, I have a right to call my avocado!
Не могли бы вы воспользоваться моей зубной щеткой?
Can you use my toothbrush?
ЕДА И НАПИТКИ
Два харакири с рисом, пожалуйста.
Two harakiri with rice, please.
У вас есть кола без газа?
Do you have cola without gas?
-
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/olga009/22000485/10225/10225_original.jpg)
-
(http://fishki.net/upload/users/365226/201401/02/tn/c6924b3bc349b415064ddbb191e47281.jpg)
Usual breakfast
Breakfast after the New Year ;)
-
The Wife comes home earlier than usually, and finds her husband having sex with another young woman.
'You are the meanest creature', she shouted loud.'I divorce you right now.'
'Wait, the husband says.'I tell you how it all happened!'
'I don't know what to expect from you now. Let it be the last words that I hear from you. Go ahead'
'I was driving home from work and saw a girl who asked for a lift. I stopped to help her. When she was in the car, I noticed that she looks very poorly fed, poorly dressed and could use some bath. She told me that she did not have any food for three days. I was sympathetic for her, brought her to our home and offered her your dinner from yesterday, because you told that you are on a diet and left it untouched. She swallowed the food in two minutes.
Then I asked her whether she would like to take a shower. While she was in the washroom, I looked up her clothes and was horrified how poor and worn out it was. This is why I gave her your jeans, the ones that you don't use anymore as you are not able to fit in them anymore. Then I brought her the blouse that I gave you for your birthday. You didn't even worn it once, and told me that I have a bad taste. I also gave her the jacket that my sister gave you. You did not wear this jacket in order to displease my sister.
Then I saw that her old, worn out shoes do not match her clothes anymore, therefore I offered her the shoes that I bought you in a high end boutique. You never used them as your secretary has the same. The girl was so grateful to me!
After that, I helped her towards the exit door, and then she asked me gently, 'I beg your pardon, may be you have anything else that your wife does not use?'
-
After that, I helped her towards the exit door, and then she asked me gently, 'I beg your pardon, may be you have anything else that your wife does not use?'
:ROFL:
From the site you quote under your avatar ;D:
(http://thinknice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/executive-chain1.jpg)
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A Post-New Year piece of horror
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1499686_541992389229659_1408324649_n.jpg)
A sexually abused frog >:(
http://youtu.be/n5sD3dyBUqo (http://youtu.be/n5sD3dyBUqo)
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Oh my God, Lily. That is a new one for me. I can not imagine that the woman on audio (evidently a mother with children) did not walk away. She was very amused.
Related frog joke
A woman walks into a pet store and says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a special pet for my husband."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give blowjobs."
"Blowjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frog's talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."
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Thanks for the joke Gator. You know, every joke is part true.
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Perhaps wrong thing to say.
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Related frog joke
A woman walks into a pet store and says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a special pet for my husband."
Similar:
HouseMaid to wife of house: "I want a big raise."
Wife: Why should you get a raise?
Maid: Because I am a better house cleaner than you.
Wife: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband; and I am a better cook than you also.
Wife: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband; and I am better at sex than you.
Wife: Did my husband tell you that??
Maid: No, the gardener, pool cleaner and chauffeur told me.
Wife: OK, how much money did you have in mind?
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Russian Swan Lake :D
(http://s7.uploads.ru/vLHxV.jpg)
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(http://xmage.ru/images/1486570101.jpg)
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16 Things Russians Do That Americans Would Find Weird :)
http://www.buzzfeed.com/azazello/16-things-russians-do-that-americans-would-find-we-cqjf (http://www.buzzfeed.com/azazello/16-things-russians-do-that-americans-would-find-we-cqjf)
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16 Things Russians Do That Americans Would Find Weird :)
And Russians find it funny (as in strange) that Americans do not do these.
Is it common practice for Russians to do No. 15. I would think the opposite, Russians are more xenophobic than Americans. There was a long period when Russians were careful about what they said if a stranger could overhear them.
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And Russians find it funny (as in strange) that Americans do not do these.
Is it common practice for Russians to do No. 15. I would think the opposite, Russians are more xenophobic than Americans.
I don't know if it is common practice, but I had the pleasure of meeting a very friendly Russian stranger who became friends in a matter of minutes. :)
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I don't know if it is common practice, but I had the pleasure of meeting a very friendly Russian stranger who became friends in a matter of minutes. :)
I thought you were against these 'sex at first meeting' situations.
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And to think Soccer ain't too popular in the States ::)
http://www.dagens.dk/billeder/44446 (http://www.dagens.dk/billeder/44446)
The European Championships in naked football in Berlin.
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The cry went out, "USE THE TAZER, PARTNER!"
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And to think Soccer ain't too popular in the States ::)
That's more entertaining than Lily's post.
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
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A little Christmas story
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
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Chicken wings a la Russe ;D
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/1546303_269518303198448_2088232421_n.jpg)
(http://s004.radikal.ru/i208/1401/45/a8a30f58d253.jpg)
(http://s019.radikal.ru/i639/1401/05/33c2c9980e7f.jpg)
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These are awsome. I am going to send the photos to Larissa. She will appreciate the humor. Maybe I will get to see them in the future. ;D
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For those who loves the series "Mad Men":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5F9_7XyaQQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5F9_7XyaQQ)
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The underground parkings are something that is rare in the FSU. However, there is always a time to show your IQ even there:
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1010633_578661195558497_2123538028_n.jpg)
A few creative prints
(http://s020.radikal.ru/i705/1401/2a/3627c819e4b4.jpg)
(http://s020.radikal.ru/i705/1401/93/613d21a512a3.jpg)
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My Russian stepson (8th grade) thought it funny:
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I like that, Gator!!
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My Russian stepson (8th grade) thought it funny:
I agree, it is!
:ROFL:
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(http://xmage.ru/images/6535510152.jpg)
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Hahaha, so true about the passwords.
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A woman comes out of the shower and sighs to her husband: "I wish I had larger breasts..."
He replies: "If you want them to grow larger, pass a piece of toilet paper between them."
She does that for a few seconds, then asks: "How long does it take?"
He: "Do that every day for a few years."
She: "A few years? And it works?"
He: "It did with your arse."
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No comments
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1521591_587454481339719_2086285112_n.jpg)
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- When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
10 Things That Brits Don’t Realize Are Offensive to Americans:
http://www.bbcamerica.com/mind-the-gap/2013/01/24/10-things-brits-dont-realize-are-offensive-to-americans/ (http://www.bbcamerica.com/mind-the-gap/2013/01/24/10-things-brits-dont-realize-are-offensive-to-americans/)
- Declaring that American cuisine begins with burgers and ends with cheeseburgers will be considered hostile, even if your U.S. audience secretly agrees with you.
LOL, that's funny stuff :P
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(http://s017.radikal.ru/i433/1401/c7/de35ef37c3db.jpg)
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31 Maps Mocking National Stereotypes Around the World
Worth a visit 8) ;D
http://www.boredpanda.com/mapping-stereotypes/ (http://www.boredpanda.com/mapping-stereotypes/)
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(http://album.foto.ru/photos/or/188090/3445286.jpg)
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Simple Truths
SIMPLE TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband...
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US hope for Olympic Gold in gymnastics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7SsFDsjTgU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7SsFDsjTgU)
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Alina Kabayeva will light the Olympic fire.
(http://s019.radikal.ru/i635/1401/ca/24a19b715612.jpg)
And what you have done for your girlfriend?
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The Miami Dolphin cheerleaders sent the US Troops in Afghanistan a music video and they sent one back … mimicking them almost to perfection. SO cool!!!
Plus the Soldiers light off a four point deuce mortar as a point of punctuation.
http://cheatingissinful.com/cheerleaders-and-soldiers-call-me-maybe/ (http://cheatingissinful.com/cheerleaders-and-soldiers-call-me-maybe/)
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The Miami Dolphin cheerleaders sent the US Troops in Afghanistan a music video and they sent one back … mimicking them almost to perfection. SO cool!!!
Plus the Soldiers light off a four point deuce mortar as a point
of punctuation.
http://cheatingissinful.com/cheerleaders-and-soldiers-call-me-maybe/ (http://cheatingissinful.com/cheerleaders-and-soldiers-call-me-maybe/)
Hard to watch those fat American women dancing around ;D
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(http://cs7009.vk.me/c312520/v312520097/80b4/BEgDToERLJg.jpg)
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
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(http://cs411625.vk.me/v411625538/5d80/RLxOuCviZQE.jpg)
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Russian Bazar ;)
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1780877_268611159964357_665763787_n.jpg)
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In tune with the mascot for our Expo 2015 (theme: Feed the Planet) proposed by Disney Italia ;):
(http://expo2015.quotidiano.net/cronaca/2013/12/15/997133/images/2533623-expo2015.JPG)
Who started this peculiar type of art was Italian painter Giuseppe Arcimboldo (1526/1527–1593):
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d2/Arcimboldovertemnus.jpeg)
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This Russian restaurant used the automated translation into English :o
(http://vitki.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/111.jpg)
(http://www.privetsochi.ru/uploads/images/01/85/07/2014/01/24/221c07.jpg)
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(http://album.foto.ru/photos/or/188090/3462248.jpg)
(http://album.foto.ru/photos/or/188090/3462250.jpg)
(http://s8.uploads.ru/t/Y3X4z.jpg)
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Let's not belittle those people who are unfortunate enough not to know how to use a toilet. Or ingenious enough to know how to stick it to westerners.
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(http://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1504944_703401166392625_1869484388_n.jpg)
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(http://apikabu.ru/img_n/2012-07_1/ya0.jpg)
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What does the insect do to the frog? ;D
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2013-11/1385715070_toad_tickled_mantis_01.jpg)
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That is a beautiful sculpture in reply #1898 above. It shows so many of the body's details perfectly. Lily, do you have any idea where it is located and who sculpted it?
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Larry, I heard that this would be in South Korea, Jeju, Park Loveland.
Here is a good ideas for signs on the toilets ;D
(http://cs421121.vk.me/v421121979/6272/Jd-CoZ0A7v8.jpg)
The phrases tell 'Get out' when used towards a man, and towards a woman. There is a difference in Russian language.
"Get out, woman, here is one for the Men, Get out, man, here is one for the Women" 8)
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(http://apikabu.ru/img_n/2012-07_1/ya0.jpg)
I am reminded of the old song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places."
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/999756_745526105458420_893792282_n.jpg)
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(http://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1609976_745494188794945_1970722169_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/1743634_745037208840643_622264210_n.jpg)
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I am reminded of the old song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places."
:ROFL:
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/575265_744716312206066_1036178836_n.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1779911_742068319137532_473792092_n.jpg)
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I love jokes from the Soviet era. Here is one:
A schoolboy asks his father if Marxism-Leninism is a science. “I reckon not, son,” the father replies. “When scientists do experiments, it’s always on animals, not humans.”
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An oldie but a goodie. I first heard this one about Brezhnev, but maybe it works even better with Gorbachev.
Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time to
impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out
to the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her
with a fleet of limos in Red Square.
So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!
She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into
his limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they
were served by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine
the best money could buy. She said nothing. You like the dinner?
Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks. The chopper picked them up
and delivered them to the steps of a magnificent building, secluded
in the outskirts of the city. Waiters in white coats were waiting,
and proceeded to serve them with the best Cognac and liquor available.
They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
So, mama. You don't say anything. Aren't you proud of your
little Miki? Haven't I done well?
She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.
"Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so grand
to fly in. Food is best I have ever tasted. And this dacha
is more glorious than anything I could imagine. Yes, Miki. Is wonderful.
I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby. What if the communists take over!
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull, hoping to increase the size of the herd with younger cows.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little inexperienced, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . .
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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(http://xmage.ru/images/1901988101.jpg)
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Lilly, I just have got to forward this to my friends in the airline industry. where can I find it?
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viking, no idea where to find, I received it myself from a friend.
I don't quite understand some of expressions there, like trazy-poo and pitty-pat?
Why does he claim to be called a Queen - does it speak something like Freddy Mercury to the people?
I understand that the connotation is somewhat gay-like exaggerated manner, coming from a guy who tries to appear too cute ;)
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The link is: http://xmage.ru/images/1901988101.jpg (http://xmage.ru/images/1901988101.jpg) ;).
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Looks like the gentlemen on here don't have the cultural background needed to appreciate the Queens' language :D
My understanding is that the guy had a great sense of humor. Using it (as a defense mechanism) within his behavior, he triumphed in the dispute and, hopefully, handled the situation.
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viking, no idea where to find, I received it myself from a friend.
I don't quite understand some of expressions there, like trazy-poo and pitty-pat?
Why does he claim to be called a Queen - does it speak something like Freddy Mercury to the people?
I understand that the connotation is somewhat gay-like exaggerated manner, coming from a guy who tries to appear too cute ;)
Trazy-poo is a reference to the tray on the back of the seat. It’s a made up word, not slang.
Pitty-pat is another made up word and in the context it means to land the plane.
Typically such 'nonsense' words may be used by an adult when speaking to a young child/baby.
Homosexuals are sometimes referred to as Queens.
Looks like the gentlemen on here don't have the cultural background needed to appreciate the Queens' language :D
8)
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull, hoping to increase the size of the herd with younger cows.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little inexperienced, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . .
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
If anyone has a spare minute perhaps they could explain the above joke please. ::)
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If anyone has a spare minute perhaps they could explain the above joke please. ::)
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint. :popcorn:
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Homosexuals are sometimes referred to as Queens.
Vinny, I don't believe you are up to date with gay slang. Yes, a queen is a homosexual man, yet "queen" applies only to the most exuberantly effeminate gays - the flamboyant gays. And in joke, the flight attendant is depicted as effeminate in "swishing" down the aisle (not striding) and the silly blond talk (trayzy poo).
A queen will often dress in drag (wear women's clothes and makeup). Here are two drag queens giving makeup tutorials.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCEi1nEcrOE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwPvW-C46HE
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Vinny, I don't believe you are up to date with gay slang. Yes, a queen is a homosexual man, yet "queen" applies only to the most exuberantly effeminate gays - the flamboyant gays. And in joke, the flight attendant is depicted as effeminate in "swishing" down the aisle (not striding) and the silly blond talk (trayzy poo).
A queen will often dress in drag (wear women's clothes and makeup). Here are two drag queens giving makeup tutorials.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCEi1nEcrOE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwPvW-C46HE
Thank you Gator. I’ve have always felt that not been an expert on all aspects of poofters has held me back. It’s seems my concerns have been well founded. :-X
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint. :popcorn:
Yes, I read that. No, I still don’t get it. :o
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Yes, I read that. No, I still don’t get it. :o
The same with me. What is funny about ingesting the pills? Taking the pills would make a man want to boink cows, cows and more cows. Who would want to shag a cow, particularly many cows?
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull, hoping to increase the size of the herd with younger cows.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little inexperienced, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . .
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
I got it!! It's been a long year .... :D
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I'm not sure I got it. Why should the bull care if they taste like peppermint?
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:D
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I'm not sure I got it. Why should the bull care if they taste like peppermint?
Okay jone, let's take it from the top. The farmer called the Vet to do something with the bull as he had no vigor for the cows.
Vet gives the farmer some pills to give to the bull and they work really well. Bull is boinking everything in sight.
Farmer mighty pleased and curious knows they taste like peppermint.
I can't believe the joke was that difficult to get :D
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Okay jone, let's take it from the top. The farmer called the Vet to do something with the bull as he had no vigor for the cows.
Vet gives the farmer some pills to give to the bull and they work really well. Bull is boinking everything in sight.
Farmer mighty pleased and curious knows they taste like peppermint.
I can't believe the joke was that difficult to get :D
Thank goodness someone's awake! :wallbash: I was just starting to draft a reply when your post popped up! :crackwhip:
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Man boards his flight and is seated next to a very attractive woman. Pleased with the arrangement he strikes up a conversation with the woman and after half an hour in the flight and during the conversation the woman sneezes and then moans for a prolonged period.
He pauses a minute and then continues the conversation and she again sneezes and another long moaning sound from the woman. This repeats itself several more times and the man asks her "Hey, what's going on with the sneezing and moaning?" The woman looking a bit coy says " Well I have a very rare condition. Everytime I sneeze, I have an orgasm". "Oh really" says the man, looking quite astonished and says "what do you take for that?". "Pepper" , she replies
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Pepper? I don't get the joke.
Me thinks Jone was pulling our leg, possibly Vinny too (he's a Brit).
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Pepper? I don't get the joke.
Then you most likely didn't get the peppermint joke either :-\
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Pepper? I don't get the joke.
Me thinks Jone was pulling our leg, possibly Vinny too (he's a Brit).
You may be pulling our leg. :) But in case you aren't:
1. she orgasms when she sneezes
2. pepper causes her to sneeze, which results in an orgasm
3. she enjoys orgasms
4. so she takes pepper
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:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
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Even spelling organism correctly, I still don't get it.
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Even spelling organism correctly, I still don't get it.
I suppose it's understandable that you can't get it. Some folks have never seen a woman experience organism ;D
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I suppose it's understandable that you can't get it. Some folks have never seen a woman experience organism ;D
"Organism" - is that a sort of spice?
Meanwhile in Sochi the skiers turned up for competition this morning, but was told by the organisers to "fog off"...........
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Even with the bad spelling, its not near as funny, when each joke has to be explained :P
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Pepper? I don't get the joke.
Me thinks Jone was pulling our leg, possibly Vinny too (he's a Brit).
:cheesy:
Who says all the humor on here has to be through jokes posted?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=S5i7M13Jxcw&desktop_uri=/watch?v%3DS5i7M13Jxcw%26feature%3Dyoutube_gdata_player&app=desktop (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=S5i7M13Jxcw&desktop_uri=/watch?v%3DS5i7M13Jxcw%26feature%3Dyoutube_gdata_player&app=desktop)
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:D
(http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=4594.0;attach=32193;image)
As the Harold Hill said in the Music Man, "The Sadder But Wiser Girl for Me!"
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Muzh,
Good one!
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Muzh,
Good one!
I don't know what happened why the youtube screen is not showing on the post. Sometimes it does this.
Anyway, I thought is was a fun one. Glad you like it.
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Jone, I prefer British cars.
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/aston_zps913e5073.jpeg)
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Jone, I prefer British cars.
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/aston_zps913e5073.jpeg)
I think she is washing her panties to be safe ;D
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Get me her name and phone number. I marry 'em all I betcha.
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Jone, I prefer British cars.
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/aston_zps913e5073.jpeg)
Clearly she's practising how to get her leg over.
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:cheesy:
Who says all the humor on here has to be through jokes posted?
No, really, I didn't get it until I read it for the 20th time. :o
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OK, more for the 'slow people.'
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
- - - - - -
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
- - - - - -
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
- - - - - -
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
- - - - - -
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
- - - - - -
The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
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A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
An old Italian joke uses all 3 Greek tragedians:
Aeschylus, Aeschylus!
Qui si Sophocles!
Attenti alle scale, sono Euripides.
i.e.:
Exit, exit!
It's suffocating here!
Mind the stairs, they're steep.
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(http://s019.radikal.ru/i608/1402/59/481503bb625c.jpg)
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(http://i6.pixs.ru/storage/4/7/0/789789jpg_6350606_10959470.jpg)
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(http://i6.pixs.ru/storage/4/7/0/789789jpg_6350606_10959470.jpg)
Whats scary looking at that is how many in this part of the world fall in to the last section,
I feel ok, I am in the middle group, wife also, she is close to the first group :)
Life style.
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A picture or it never happened. :P
-
A picture or it never happened. :P
You wanna see a picture of my stomach, This concerns me slightly.
Hey each to their own, as Sienfelt said.
"Not that there is anything wrong with that" :D
-
Whats scary looking at that is how many in this part of the world fall in to the last section,
I feel ok, I am in the middle group, wife also, she is close to the first group :)
Life style.
I think that by now I must be around 22-23%
-
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your habit. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied,
'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
-
I think that by now I must be around 22-23%
Lily, you should stop teasing all the guys here.
First, you wanted THAT red dress. Now this. ;D
-
Easier humor . . . but probably not for non-natives
- - - - - -
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
READY?
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
= = = = = = =
Now go cat go!! Carl Perkins
-
And they say we are shallow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jh06_ePtmbw
-
And they say we are shallow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jh06_ePtmbw
Love it!
-
Easier humor . . . but probably not for non-natives
- - - - - -
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
READY?
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
= = = = = = =
Now go cat go!! Carl Perkins
Was she wearing blue suede shoes? ;D
-
And they say we are shallow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jh06_ePtmbw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jh06_ePtmbw)
No Russian woman would call a guy shallow because he is attracted to her really beautiful legs. ;)
-
No Russian woman would call a guy shallow because he is attracted to her really beautiful legs. ;)
Yet another reason we love RW.
-
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan State?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
-
Larry, get out a measuring tape, and see what you can determine as to (worthwhile) positions if the M on sweater comes out as W on the chest of partner.
Well, yeah, if you allow for a record setting neck length.
-
When Ochka was talking to some of her family on Skype this morning; I got in on the coversation briefly and said:
"Is Yanokovich at your house?"
They got a big laugh out of that.
-
(http://3.firepic.org/3/images/2014-02/23/oc1wiai7nts7.png)
Happy Men's Day :)
-
Very cute Lily.
-
If they're not chicken, it looks as if some of their genre endowments have been removed prior to exposure on the sales counter ;D.
-
If she was from MIchigan State University, there would be a large green block "S" not a "M" on the sweatshirt. If you rotate a "S" 180 degrees, it still looks almost the same.
S
[/size]Actually, the bottom half of the "S" is slightly wider and heavier than the top. We don't have a good block letter font here. [/font][/font][/size]
-
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/af/Michigan-State-logo-block-s.svg/436px-Michigan-State-logo-block-s.svg.png) (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/af/Michigan-State-logo-block-s.svg)
-
Go Spartans.
-
From a Wisconsin Badger: A Spartan is nothing but a used Trojan.
-
From a Wisconsin Badger: A Spartan is nothing but a used Trojan.
LMFAO
Never heard of that but coming from the Big 10, I'm not surprised.
-
(http://xmage.ru/images/5265645723.png)
Have you ever had one of those days? ;)
(http://www.johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/having-one-of-those-days.jpg)
-
After the succes of Viktor An the Russian Olympic Comittiee has sent offers to:
The Canadian hockey team
The Dutch speed skating team
The German bobsleigh and rodeling team
The American slalom and snowboard team
Russia expects to have a huge amount of medals in the next Winter Games.
-
After the succes of Viktor An the Russian Olympic Comittiee has sent offers to:
The Canadian hockey team (Men and Women)
The Dutch speed skating team
The German bobsleigh and rodeling team
The American slalom and snowboard team
Russia expects to have a huge amount of medals in the next Winter Games.
:ROFL:
-
As punishment vor their performance in the Olympics, the Russian hockey team will be shot by the biathlon team.
This is not too harsh punishment, as nobody will die.
-
Dating in 1958:
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Peggy will be down in just a few minutes. So, what are you two planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. Open-mouthed smile
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
-
Putin cracks them up
-
(http://s006.radikal.ru/i215/1403/28/f604c4082509.jpg)
'Hold on tight darling,
I wouldn't want to lose you!"
-
Her, "Just turn your head at her, and you are dead' >:(
Him, ''Someone kill me''
(http://f3.s.qip.ru/m9euv67f.jpg)
-
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
-
(http://scontent-a-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/1981776_10201933204388696_536750111_n.jpg)
"I swear you, for the Women's Day I wanted him to give me a creme, not the Crimea!'' 8)
-
WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal –
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual -
___________________________________
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Douglas MacArthur -
___________________________________
'Tracers work both ways.'
-Army Ordnance Manual-
___________________________________
Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
___________________________________
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -
___________________________________
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit -
___________________________________
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-
___________________________________
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
___________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
___________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author-
___________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to
be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot -
___________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
___________________________________
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
___________________________________
'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
___________________________________
'What is the difference between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
___________________________________
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
___________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
___________________________________
'Airspeed, altitude and brains . Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
___________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground
incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..'
- Emergency Checklist-
___________________________________
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
___________________________________
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -
___________________________________
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
___________________________________
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
-
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/nag_zpse5703c07.jpg)
The voice of women causes exhaustion in the male brain
Great Britain - A study using nuclear magnetic resonance techniques, conducted by Michael Hunter, a professor at the University of Sheffield (Great Britain), revealed that the female voice can produce exhaustion in the male brain. The female voice has more complex tones than the masculine voice, taking the entire listening area of the brain, while the man's voice occupies only a small portion of the female brain. According to Hunter, this is why women often complain that men do not listen but instead, the only thing that men do is disconnect due to purely physiological reasons.
-
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/nag_zpse5703c07.jpg)
The voice of women causes exhaustion in the male brain
Great Britain - A study using nuclear magnetic resonance techniques, conducted by Michael Hunter, a professor at the University of Sheffield (Great Britain), revealed that the female voice can produce exhaustion in the male brain. The female voice has more complex tones than the masculine voice, taking the entire listening area of the brain, while the man's voice occupies only a small portion of the female brain. According to Hunter, this is why women often complain that men do not listen but instead, the only thing that men do is disconnect due to purely physiological reasons.
Did you say something?
-
Nope.
-
Here's a link to a funny Youtube video.
My favorite part was when Obama scolded Putin and told him it's wrong to force people to accept something the majority of the people don't want. Putin in response said there is a word for that in Russia, it's called Obamacare.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmIUm1E4OcI
-
(http://www.realclearpolitics.com/cartoons/images/2014/03/21/gary_varvel_gary_varvel_for_03212014_5_.jpg)
(http://www.realclearpolitics.com/cartoons/images/2014/03/20/chip_bok_chip_bok_for_03202014_5_.jpg)
(http://www.realclearpolitics.com/cartoons/images/2014/03/20/michael_ramirez_michael_ramirez_for_03202014_5_.jpg)
(http://www.realclearpolitics.com/cartoons/images/2014/03/19/andy_marlette_andy_marlette_for_03192014_5_.jpg)
-
Sheepdog round up trials on St. Patrick's Day
http://twentytwowords.com/sheepdog-herds-men-to-the-pub-in-a-funny-guinness-commercial/
-
A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
-
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for
her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fock
it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I
remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:00 on weekends.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's
Olympic 100 meter final.
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two
handsome brothers."
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
-
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
-
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
I like it. 8)
Short and to the point !!
-
We're approaching Easter, but it appears that a few christian people really dislike the holiday. This isn't really a joke but I didn't know which thread to put it in. It sounds like something from the satirical magazine "The Onion". Since this forum is read by some people who aren't fluent in English I should point out that Lucifer is a name for the devil.
Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility... "In the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster." Dr. Cameroon explains that it doesn't matter what god or idol the Pagans were humping under on Easter Sunday...
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/eastereggs.html
hat tip to Professor Munger at http://mungowitzend.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-wiliest-tools-of-devil.html
Perhaps I should also point out that the pagans he is talking about could not have been humping like bunnies in an attempt to make their tomatoes grow faster. Tomatoes originated in South America and were not brought across the Atlantic until at least 1500, long after the pre-Christian pagan era this guy writes about.
-
Since this forum is read by some people who aren't fluent in English I should point out that Lucifer is a name for the devil.
As it happens, Lucifer is a Latin name meaning "carrier of light", and was often applied to the planet Venus, the brightest object in our sky after the Sun and Moon.
The word kept its original positive sense for early Christians, as is evident from its use as a personal name by, among others, two 4th-century bishops, Lucifer of Cagliari and Lucifer of Siena, and its appearance in the Easter Proclamation as a description of Jesus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer
Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\.
-
As it happens, Lucifer is a Latin name meaning "carrier of light", and was often applied to the planet Venus, the brightest object in our sky after the Sun and Moon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer)
Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\ .
:applaud:
Always reliable Sandro.
And if my memory serves me right, the reason why Venus, aka morning star, is as bright as it is is because the planet is blanketed by an acidic cloud/athmosphere which only absorbs nearly a quarter of the sun's light and reflects the rest back.
-
the planet is blanketed by an acidic cloud/athmosphere which only absorbs nearly a quarter of the sun's light and reflects the rest back.
Yes:Venus is shrouded by an opaque layer of highly reflective clouds of sulfuric acid.
-
Later it became associated with Satan through a rather tortuous and scarcely logical process :-\ .
During the Oscurantismo.
-
I thought that this one was worth sharing:
http://www.tickld.com/x/english-isnt-as-easy-as-you-think
How many of our English-speaking members have to have a quick think about these? ;D
-
I received from a Canadian Friend the below. Don't know how long it has been circulating in Canada.
= = = = = = =
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.
-
"This young woman did not really think through the way the Winnie the Pooh costume was supposed to look. She likely meant well, but..."
(http://i1196.photobucket.com/albums/aa415/larryr1431/WinniethePooh_zps7f78c621.jpg)
hat tip: professor Munger http://mungowitzend.blogspot.com/2014/04/winnie-pooh-first-day-on-job-also-last.html
-
(http://i1196.photobucket.com/albums/aa415/larryr1431/jerk-off_zps067178f5.jpg)
This unfortunately named contest is actually for making the best beef jerky
-
(http://i1196.photobucket.com/albums/aa415/larryr1431/jerk-off_zps067178f5.jpg)
This unfortunately named contest is actually for making the best beef jerky
And then there was the well respected Academy Information Decision Science that had to change its name (which usually went by the letters only) as AIDS became well known back in 1970s or so.
-
Кто пустил ее за руль?
There's a Subaru commercial in here somewhere :D
FSUW dogs are extremely clever, especially the strays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-K-zDK4wrI4
-
Weaponized Vegetables:
This is an actual news story.
"A man caught on camera trying to hold up two businesses in Providence using a potato has been tracked down by police.
Police say Gary Deming stuck a potato to the end of a grill lighter and held it up to the clerk at a Branch Avenue gas station and Charles Street Laundromat last Monday.
The gas station manager was able to chase Deming off with a bat.
Police arrested Deming Monday morning. He’s being charged with assault with intent to commit robbery."
I think he might have pulled it off if he had only used a rutabaga.
I always found them much more threatening than potatoes.
-
NEW TRAINEE FOR UKRAINE
WHO'S THE ALPHA MALE NOW BITCHES!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU
Obviously blanks (no recoil).
-
Informative underwear :D
"Short about myself"
(http://batona.net/uploads/posts/2014-05/1400163768_015.jpg)
-
Informative underwear
"Short about myself"
:) The man is lacking but not in confidence.
Reminds me of an elevator call button.
-
Reminds me of an elevator call button.
:D ;D ;D
-
I stumbled upon this on the web, too damned funny to pass up...
A Boy's Letter from Summer Camp (http://living.msn.com/family-parenting/kid-writes-the-best-letter-from-camp-ever)
-
From an email:
(http://i1368.photobucket.com/albums/ag162/matteo251/WalmartCake_zpsf3e24319.jpg) (http://s1368.photobucket.com/user/matteo251/media/WalmartCake_zpsf3e24319.jpg.html)
Walmart's Bakery: It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually happened. This cake was for someone who was moving...This is how I imagine the conversation going:
Walmart employee: Hello, dis be Walmart. How can I help you?
Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this weekend.
Walmart employee: "OK. What you want to say on da cake?
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne'. And underneath that, 'We will miss you'
-
THE GOLD URINAL
Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home. After much drinking, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!
The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me."
Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.
Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
(If you ain't laughin', you ain't alive.)
-
An instruction on how to pack things when going on a trip
(http://i023.radikal.ru/1406/1a/ff868fec267f.jpg)
-
(http://s.fishki.net/upload/post/201406/18/1278289/gallery/011.gif)
-
Only in Florida :D
Have you ever seen a gator screeming for help? Now you see it ;D
(http://batona.net/uploads/posts/2014-06/1403846040_124.jpg)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu7IkMVKA5g (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu7IkMVKA5g)
-
Only in Florida :D
Have you ever seen a gator screeming for help? Now you see it ;D
(http://batona.net/uploads/posts/2014-06/1403846040_124.jpg)
I remember her. Still gives me nightmares.
-
How NOT to irritate a frog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzXM58qR1Es
-
I just came across Robin Williams's old show Weapons of Self Destruction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-JUF3xHdbI&hd=1
From 1:15:45 to 1:22:36 it has a hilarious bit about the 'intelligent design of the human reproductive apparatus' ;D.
-
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
-
Don't watch with a full stomach, because you will belly laugh and it will hurt.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=93148143250
-
According to Garrison Keillor:
“Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”
"Lutherans are against fun in general, which is why for them, birth control has never been a big issue.”
“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
“It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.”
“We come from people (Lutherans) who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this feeling will pass.”
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”
“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”
“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
“I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”
“The most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.”
And the all time favorite:
“That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”
-
:D
Gee Nisse,
Onboard for 3 years, and this is all you have had to say?
Is it that boring here?
-
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers, "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side !!"
[Maybe not true]
-
I just came across Robin Williams's old show Weapons of Self Destruction:
Weapons of self destruction is a somewhat eerie show title.
RIP Robin Williams
He apparently killed himself
http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2014/08/11/robin-williams-is-dead/13925199/
-
Weapons of self destruction is a somewhat eerie show title.
RIP Robin Williams
He apparently killed himself
http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2014/08/11/robin-williams-is-dead/13925199/
Yeah :( Too bad really...
My most beloved performer - From "nanu-nanu" to "Oh Captain, my Captain!" May he rest in peace...
-
Yeah :( Too bad really...
My most beloved performer - From "nanu-nanu" to "Oh Captain, my Captain!" May he rest in peace...
One of my favourites as well.
-
(http://pp.vk.me/c616119/v616119697/d507/oqa07rQbfqo.jpg)
-
Yeah :( Too bad really...
My most beloved performer - From "nanu-nanu" to "Oh Captain, my Captain!" May he rest in peace...
Dead Poets Society was for me an unforgettable movie. In many ways some of our greatest stars follow the rules of the universe in that the brighter they shine the quicker their light goes out. Both Robin Williams and Phillip Seymour Hoffman were touching actors, and kind-hearted individuals.
Fathertime!
-
Dead Poets Society was for me an unforgettable movie. In many ways some of our greatest stars follow the rules of the universe in that the brighter they shine the quicker their light goes out. Both Robin Williams and Phillip Seymour Hoffman were touching actors, and kind-hearted individuals.
Yeah. Great movie! Robin Williams starred in 4 of my most favorite movies of all time. DPS, Goodwill Hunting, Fisher King and The World According to Garp...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGT-rY5Y06g
-
Insert your Firefox seems to have a problem with windows
joke here
(http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2014-07/18/11/enhanced/webdr04/anigif_enhanced-20789-1405697285-1.gif)
-
After being rejected by AW boy decides to pursue FSUW
(http://gifshost.com/082014/1407864248_kids_kiss.gif)
Maybe he just should of started using tooth paste?
-
The guy still wants to pass.
(http://gifshost.com/122012/1356028501_trailer_truck_vs_strong_wind.gif)
-
Bungie jumping is not for everyone
(http://gifshost.com/012013/1357840499_airborne_puking.gif)
-
When you look like this, you have to eat alone. Her table manners are good except for not closing her mouth when chewing.
http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/AA-Videos-YOU-Tube/Dog-Dining-Alone.html
-
When you look like this, you have to eat alone. Her table manners are good except for not closing her mouth when chewing.
http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/AA-Videos-YOU-Tube/Dog-Dining-Alone.html
Lovely dog! I wonder how long it took to train her? 8)
-
Lovely dog! I wonder how long it took to train her? 8)
Obedience 101. Staying in place while not allowed to walk and do not touch food until given. You can train almost any dog to do this.
-
As Chris Rock says, we give you as a Public Service:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR465HoCWFQ&feature=em-share_video_user
-
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2014-09/1411230947_290905_749243.jpg)
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2014-09/1411230925_91368f246360b80fd2113f77b45.gif)
(http://www.xa-xa.org/uploads/posts/2014-09/1411230952_290905_749236.jpg)
-
The uniforms worn by the Colombia Women's Racing Team caused a stir in Italy. They are not a two-piece.
http://www.news.com.au/sport/more-sports/colombian-womens-cycling-team-uniform-possibly-the-worst-sports-outfit-of-all-time/story-fndukor0-1227058781996
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_Nr31Lv6H8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_Nr31Lv6H8)
-
Good one Ghostie! Another reason not to have a cat. The list of reasons is in the 100s.
-
http://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0
-
VERY funny :clapping:.
-
LETTERMAN'S 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRATIC NEXT WEEK
#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry
whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.
#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on
a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon
at 15% isn’t.
#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better
job of spending the money I earn than I would.
#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as
nobody is offended by it.
#6. I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun,
and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from
murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service
that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a
home invasion.
#5. I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of
babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive
and comfy.
#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to
free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we
should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.
#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be
allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and
give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the
Democrat Party sees fit.
#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite
the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never
get their agendas past the voters.
…And the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to
pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own
because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in
America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those
other countries.
-
While many of us are wanting to strangle Putin and Obama, there is a diversion for some humor that allows us to temporarily forget the crisis in Ukraine. Take a look at this series. It is a riot. :D
http://www.trutv.com/shows/the-carbonaro-effect/index.html
-
It was pointed out to me that on election day the Democratic vote started out with a pretty healthy lead - and then the Republicans got off work...
-
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,
naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end
of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There
must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find
out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got
your e-mail!"
-
http://youtu.be/n7hiuXjXJEw (http://youtu.be/n7hiuXjXJEw)
-
Discussion at a Russian pharmacy:
Customer: “I need a tranquilizer…”
Pharmacist: “Do you have a prescription?”
Customer: “What, a Russian passport is not enough?”
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Tell me, what is the number one product of mass consumption in Russia?
– Putin’s lies.
– Why not vodka?
– Because fewer people consume vodka.
----------------------------------------------------------------
- Did you hear, Putin said that the Russian army will be equipped with modern offensive and defensive weapons, which no other army in the world will have?
– Oh, he is again about women and children, behind which our polite “little green men” they will hide…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin decided to do anything to keep up with the leaders of Western countries. So, when all of them imposed economic sanctions against Russia, Putin also imposed sanctions, which also were… AGAINST Russia, by banning the import of consumer products for its people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, will there be an “Iron Curtain” again?
– No! The regular barbed wire will do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Not sure how to interpret this photo. I guess Putin is saying, "I thought black people had big ones. Obama, this x-ray shows a slight case of Richard Cranium. My X-Ray shows a much larger case. In fact, it is co large that it can not be contained within my skull."
(http://www.freespeechwisconsin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=16783.0;attach=1693;image)
-
Here's the original.
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac150/clmontes/putin_Yanuk_zps1ded8939.jpg)
-
Here's the original.
So mine is another photo shop of something authentic. :D
-
Oh but of course it the real deal! ;) :clapping:
-
Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 20 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-
Be sure to help RW in her translation of recipe.
-
CURTAIN RODS
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband...
....they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
-
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
-
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
-
The teacher asked Jimmy,
"Why is your cat with you at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,
'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
-
Perhaps somebody could properly translate this one.
-
An Italian man named Sandro went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the Sandro said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
-
Perhaps somebody could properly translate this one.
It's not easy. This is work.
-
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
-
An Italian man named Sandro went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the Sandro said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
Slander >:(! I don't have an attic, only a small cellar unfit for pleasurable pastimes :(. Anyway, she's over 80 now ;).
-
WORKS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
-
Anyway, she's over 80 now ;).
But maybe she has a daughter.
Oh wait . . . that would be your daughter also !!
-
Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.
The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.”
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,”What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.”
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you still happy you voted for Obama?”
-
When President Barack Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He got in his face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”
Patrick Henry approached and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties, but you failed!”
James Madison followed and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”
Thomas Jefferson was next. He snarled, “It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”
The verbal beat down continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.
As the insulted Obama hung his head in shame, an angel appeared. Obama wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”
The angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?
-
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance was probably far too wide.”
-
Putler is stealing like a bandit and stashing his money in Switzerland and London. He doesn't trust anyone to handle his ill-gotten gains and is afraid someone will find out about his racket. But, he needs a numbers man to take care of his accounts.
He finds a dumb and deaf CPA and has him under surveillance 24/7 so Putler knows the CPA will not divulge anything.
Except, the CPA starts skimming from the top and eventually Putler finds out.
Putler drags the CPA's ass to his office and also brings in a sign language specialist.
Putler asks the CPA Where is my money? Tell me or I'll blow your brains out.
The sign language specialist relays the questions.
The CPA, about to shit on his pants tells the sign language specialist everything, including account numbers.
Putler asks the sign language specialist What did he say?
He says you don't have the balls.
-
From a coworker
What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers?
100 people who don't do dick
-
This has got to be an all time Top 10 funny.
Be sure to watch all the way to the end for a shock (hilarious type of shock).
http://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0
-
Speed control in Denmark
http://www.youtube.com/embed/CPwW1HlAPys
-
Well, honk my horn. Too good to be true.
-
Better than Femen, that's for sure. :clapping:
-
This has got to be an all time Top 10 funny.
Be sure to watch all the way to the end for a shock (hilarious type of shock).
http://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0
Hahaha! Make sure and watch this one. :devil:
-
Thats great!
-
Maybe not a joke?
(http://images.iimg.in/c/536f16a4e3eed4c66655ec3b-4-700-0-1399789246/google/all-the-funny-ones-jokes-cartoons-and-stories-funny-weird.jpg?crop=1)
-
(http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10801751_10152727422816985_5432691229747481295_n.jpg?oh=cae61db4b715853811cc45c5555f2483&oe=55511A11)
-
(http://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/p526x296/10968205_10152724885331985_6418898041605828864_n.jpg?oh=6f25f1b5cbd0d26840d4d603f5b59463&oe=5569F8B6)
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10881585_10152648058671985_9104431350696705151_n.jpg?oh=74805862e81c25035ce93f8306e66302&oe=554AD2A3&__gda__=1432758039_d78b53362fa60acbbb5b6329555d2e8a)
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10917070_10152672052821985_1929457629297277011_n.jpg?oh=4b0df524594f1fcebca0ed9c66d1ca94&oe=555031BB&__gda__=1432947629_d6c8ba56f50978d4b476735647ebb7c2)
-
(http://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10469437_10152289229941985_5803620923431887943_n.jpg?oh=e11eedf7be617346db472d289b595913&oe=556CF5D7)
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1978817_10152088414426985_355244993_n.jpg?oh=9b8081dff58a425ddbbaf6018dcf9e1b&oe=55530D4C&__gda__=1432186385_fa27267998063c74ebc39444f9fe10b9)
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/16775_10152499859181985_2929413123159678981_n.jpg?oh=499ac0b6bfbd0cfe091aed2afa5ab034&oe=55487DBD&__gda__=1431120166_803408e68eec5241659f2ff9c132cfe8)
-
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/16775_10152499859181985_2929413123159678981_n.jpg?oh=499ac0b6bfbd0cfe091aed2afa5ab034&oe=55487DBD&__gda__=1431120166_803408e68eec5241659f2ff9c132cfe8)
First and last, Bill. Who cares if she's married.
-
Texas vs Europe
-
Anyone recognize this? Will it fit on a small block 350?
-
Texas vs Europe
Fuck the EU!!! :devil:
-
RW on a Russian street
(http://se.uploads.ru/t/Jvf2S.gif)
-
No problems, Lily. Get away from that ice and snow. Move to somewhere where its balmy. Like Canada.
-
Wow! That lady has very good balance. I wonder if she was a gymnast or a ballerina when she was younger? :clapping:
-
Note the obligatory high heels. We were at the beach last week and still the high heels. Love 'em.
-
Stiletto high heels might have been more helpful in those conditions ;D.
-
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-
Anyone recognize this? Will it fit on a small block 350?
That's a FoMoCo 2 bbl carburetor. Standard equipment for Ford V8s in the 60s 70s and early 80s.
Jeans are MUD.
-
hehe
-
hehe
Make Putin the snake charmer and it would be accurate. Merkel and Hollande sold Ukraine out.
-
After we were divorced my exwife finally agreed to a threesome..........
(http://c0.thejournal.ie/media/2013/03/shutterstock_82627111-390x285.jpg)
She and her attorney f#cked me ;D
-
(http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content/gallery/sex-cartoons/preg2.gif)
-
Blond doing laundry
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/c8/2d/93/c82d93bc69a90788de97b6bb0b3500c8.jpg)
-
I bet I can make your girl scream louder than you can.
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/why-do-women_zpse6cfokpn.jpg)
Signed, the spider under the bed
-
(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10300432_939292349436586_1898349576784410170_n.jpg?oh=8a741f7e5cfe3d083a4ebd40770902c4&oe=55B2909F)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10958938_908856022480219_6058312934944880455_n.jpg?oh=46dcbe0dae54ff8b9351ba842570900f&oe=55BB75AC&__gda__=1437803557_302a7f0ccf1ea75a4d754dd008585bf4)
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(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10911_864527890270404_5060750842876693701_n.jpg?oh=5fe6c294cd3398be2d5935ca86611019&oe=55AD6620)
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Only dead fish go with the flow
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(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10941861_835496843173509_1106850747229204376_n.jpg?oh=3e7479b9896b4f21b1278f9c105e0ad8&oe=55AE2735)
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I got some growing up to do,
I realized that while sitting in
my pillow and blanket fort.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11081073_961724547201714_398874868919227731_n.jpg?oh=d553998a78826ab12a51921cedd9c597&oe=55BAE4B9&__gda__=1433501816_e2d24bfddaea4b81bdd87568805f1eb0)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11081363_956642924376543_2800645860343744497_n.jpg?oh=5e460719681e6cf65bb94696d37ac296&oe=55A764FB)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11072777_955656331141869_5671261023695328053_n.jpg?oh=b12881e6c9fedf00457b184124604f4d&oe=559EE914)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10996140_946298658744303_3039289079752973692_n.jpg?oh=1e3465c983de0ea4a2ce6f4318bf6942&oe=55B2797E)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11009717_946871432020359_6270777092688634272_n.jpg?oh=f8778895f30650c2b15b75b196df0e7a&oe=55A49952)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10922845_929170310457138_6107680970653641674_n.jpg?oh=5a7a35ffa23d4c4abef3c0ad7bf9f7ff&oe=55A98E90)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10805705_883053441735492_7924969575992610642_n.jpg?oh=4722df1fb6e065bca26d930ff26f945c&oe=55BA799D)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10418900_787723707935133_1726135169842641565_n.jpg?oh=77d14acbafe9df6f089f79febb102b8a&oe=55A72D9C)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11108862_10153184299576112_3706164319952565607_n.png?oh=4acb46e18ccc01dfee1a4ca828924d72&oe=55736BFE&__gda__=1436454579_891eb20137021489aa72d3e3ffc553be)
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(http://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/10357237_10153181586736112_4754478432969325329_n.png?oh=9269926fe01dd83d06b54ea65358ef01&oe=55AEA478)
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(http://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11096506_10153181576601112_7628753013302596809_n.png?oh=8c40e3eb82c48d3884d3896cf00ceea9&oe=55B37D28)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10369594_10153175448431112_8839496174313015237_n.png?oh=78c43e0086445684ef700c49fa0863a6&oe=55AF9A96&__gda__=1438423017_6f5f605e71d21a193b376c9fee0b2988)
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(http://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11082590_10153171799521112_2157190440145284044_n.png?oh=2766e897bc28cfe549a6bca75d7f3c7c&oe=55AC92D2)
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(http://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/l/t1.0-9/11081460_10153184300866112_7341963847456600089_n.png?oh=db7f8da568a9d65c6caf93b47efb83a4&oe=55B7A2B8)
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http://youtu.be/0uHBQq5N0jE
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My exwife had a good day yesterday, apparently she didn't even
release the flying monkeys.
(http://screencrush.com/files/2012/11/oz-the-great-and-powerful-trailer-15.jpg)
(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/312766_107421836034647_508391528_n.jpg?oh=ada1896fa6b11af9b232d1d9c4e255d2&oe=55A3F84A)
(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/l/t1.0-9/313705_106862662757231_1842726075_n.jpg?oh=ab54d0dec41f5d4a0392a35211997797&oe=55B8B95B)
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(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/l/t1.0-9/294182_109625235814307_955469718_n.jpg?oh=b2b6b6b9761d4a274382aecb8a235f7e&oe=559FD978)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/296493_109110189199145_98446647_n.jpg?oh=50cf6e7f0daf04c41efa409a085398b1&oe=55B47524&__gda__=1436522223_acd18f8fcac30e83ce1fcf35ee2bd434)
(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/298083_108564335920397_5875294_n.jpg?oh=9d4076cf3853a190126a98bdda6852a4&oe=55BE655B)
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Safety First!
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/312949_107562776020553_1865591985_n.jpg?oh=687b76491481878994080c950e5ad80a&oe=55B31753&__gda__=1436644530_a55f6ff813ad0a6e052444ac53639467)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/302416_107056879404476_45833863_n.jpg?oh=4ef011a5eaa3f994bdcec518957c941c&oe=55A17031&__gda__=1438364634_2d48830616f826fffbb379ea403a041a)
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(http://scontent-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/300475_106310846145746_366064445_n.jpg?oh=6f6a1a18b4afc04616b5dcdf26224fbe&oe=559B0817)
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(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/2tallbill/your%20girlfriend_zpshtm8mvde.jpg)
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I've been looking at a new vending business. Apparently these machines
are very popular around schools.
(http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr03/2013/8/1/12/enhanced-buzz-6508-1375374872-15.jpg)
These are real machines
(http://36.media.tumblr.com/fb6b43d060a86448674709080736be1b/tumblr_nieosm9lRf1tju7s4o8_500.jpg)
Forget your pair of mens underwear? no problem just pick up a set at the vending machine
(http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr03/2013/8/1/12/enhanced-buzz-6908-1375374734-2.jpg)
(http://s3457612.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/laura-japan.jpg)
(http://daninjapan.com/1.15/beer_vend.jpg)
(http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvtetolxHL1r3y3iro1_500.jpg)
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Apparently these machines are very popular around schools.
In the 1950s, judging from the first 2 B/N photos ;D?
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In the 1950s, judging from the first 2 B/N photos ;D?
With most of them I would agree
This one looks more recent
(http://s3457612.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/laura-japan.jpg)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/p600x600/10999808_634966393270965_3852978281069487960_n.jpg?oh=646d7b8fa790dc5c0696363426aa4bfe&oe=55A0ACBF)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/p526x296/10983218_632731993494405_6379314401117599394_n.jpg?oh=c5082d1ac008a7245bab2df98d848dfd&oe=55DA8F5E)
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Laughter is the best medicine unless you have diarrhea
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Question to first: If I were to ask which was the safe path, would she (the other one) lie to me?
If the answer is no, then she is the liar. I ask the second which is the safe path.
If the answer is yes, I ask the second the same question, and go the other way.
But then again... it is late and I am distracted. ;D
And of course both could be telling the truth.. or not... I missed that at first. I thought it was exclusive, but that was never said.
Actually you could just the same question to each of them. Just ask which path the other would tell you to take.
They both will tell you the dangerous path. The first because truthfully the liar will say the wrong one, and the second because the truth teller knows the liar will say the wrong one.
So after you ask that question, take the other path.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/302416_107056879404476_45833863_n.jpg?oh=4ef011a5eaa3f994bdcec518957c941c&oe=55A17031&__gda__=1438364634_2d48830616f826fffbb379ea403a041a)
Was a great birthday email to my son!
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11150423_943439012354069_2130560347683469108_n.jpg?oh=6845346902536e471b4d2f542b9ac6b7&oe=55CEED0E&__gda__=1439679679_518c7433645528deac3fc72e9001e8eb)
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People who create their own drama
deserve their own Karma
How many idiots does it take to
screw up a rhetorical question
A quiet woman is a blessing
A silent woman is dangerous
I can't remember the last
time I had amnesia this bad
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On my last day at work we finally got a new coffee maker.
So naturally I put a sign on it that said "voice activated"
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/812NanAWivL._SL1500_.jpg)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11179980_1086628624687593_2756195686915638616_n.jpg?oh=67b04fdfa1e10d0674059d372a08431b&oe=55D870F1&__gda__=1439368091_d9a562be0dff1a490a3597a9a537a513)
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I chase joggers with my car to motivate them.
It's a thankless job
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(http://www.strangepersons.com/images/content/184685.jpg)
I saw 51 Shades of Grey...it was a little better.
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1457454_469275959897551_945304465869665952_n.jpg?oh=8b70e078b4d09e7c4066fa4fbeab7501&oe=55CC4A9E&__gda__=1438704668_67f12ca8317784acfdd9e4ac3af5b692)
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If sex were fast food, would you have the golden arches over your bed?
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11165270_469275196564294_1140729504858331732_n.jpg?oh=e2cb3028a6ab6821bf095ef9764e9b36&oe=55DC456C)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11169906_469275019897645_1216006310321460269_n.jpg?oh=2bdfaff5927468eb3ac34f802aebba20&oe=55D1DF27)
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I'm not lazy, I am just on energy saver mode!
I need somebody really bad!
Are you really bad?
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/l/t1.0-9/11010516_468808776610936_5098967813102631457_n.jpg?oh=f3726a45d425e0bb2356fef00bbec772&oe=55CD50E2)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11206057_468808646610949_5920203877264035354_n.jpg?oh=74d6bcf768a595a4de1ee5004d66885c&oe=55C1A826)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/11174847_468238296667984_5119273649271571220_n.jpg?oh=e26a4f084fc7fab6aeca01acaa43e6c2&oe=55D541BA)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10152537_648645248557878_7519056693392610071_n.jpg?oh=a4e4635fe4aaf7e7adbc5bc0ab6c8741&oe=56049070)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/10262080_638372509585152_3371769275936225692_n.jpg?oh=0ba7037d6daf58314383cb39ee14176b&oe=55D09470)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10173535_636043019818101_5777016462783601930_n.jpg?oh=5fdd1ae4f8c1d20b59a348e21f0acc57&oe=55C151B0)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10256815_636042606484809_8446232466387452568_n.jpg?oh=2aad52dee6fbcb8d83d63aa8ef47bdb7&oe=560DBCB9&__gda__=1440174291_90c305c3fb70dc305d3b29da25058f88)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1385308_631744830247920_5433586766244065993_n.jpg?oh=8a1c8060c489b5475c8ebe9eecaad7c2&oe=55CE1E31)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/998452_626444544111282_134324243_n.jpg?oh=625324f6fa377a75991e71976c5a6b29&oe=55C51F8D)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1902809_613130498776020_253481962_n.jpg?oh=3551c40e1b5eb1ef6ef49bb175849379&oe=55C9DD3A)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1237033_624118317677238_592563635_n.jpg?oh=b0ce161f1ebcf8eb0ffa1c4212ec5e48&oe=55C49719)
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(http://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/155157_623891467699923_1553317985_n.jpg?oh=26864462207ec002d5a412b9eb867e50&oe=55C39245&__gda__=1439724086_3500384c1ac86ed469a321e08dac6960)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1962887_622126457876424_20236980_n.jpg?oh=9dba39b33d7926c461ee30b431c83b0d&oe=55C5244B)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1509686_622123924543344_1874852944_n.jpg?oh=2fa9a918eaa59dd9e0af8ef3446700f8&oe=55D2A063)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11113206_827963967292671_8122218297597024424_n.jpg?oh=8e343ce098c6822d6ab565703ffd7bf6&oe=55D181E1)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11023892_808675979221470_7403926249429809638_n.jpg?oh=f5e4abdc05ecf16747f2e40a6bdf78f9&oe=55CC3B36)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10659313_10152813753026489_6081237957187077916_n.jpg?oh=153c92eae591b9a3aab1c36a28955b0b&oe=56050486)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/10659279_10152813777526489_5021405678232805757_n.jpg?oh=f52673512a76c4d253e82555cfb7975f&oe=55D29C79)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p526x296/11150713_1249391791756938_700141240279943886_n.jpg?oh=b194e97ccf5a073e6d87661fcdfa0bf7&oe=55C1296B)
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(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11023892_808675979221470_7403926249429809638_n.jpg?oh=f5e4abdc05ecf16747f2e40a6bdf78f9&oe=55CC3B36)
(http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10659313_10152813753026489_6081237957187077916_n.jpg?oh=153c92eae591b9a3aab1c36a28955b0b&oe=56050486)
(http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--gLRZAjAg--/18yhl0nviggadjpg.jpg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51ybp_YFo7I
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/p600x600/1661855_10152367377186747_1820909085_n.jpg?oh=2c1814765aef48b069e812f440b0837b&oe=55C19422)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/1623687_10152362365711747_1085963574_n.png?oh=3397f727b46422ffef6c6937f55f8b47&oe=560D04FF)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11020852_855287737892843_1239948835225293425_n.jpg?oh=8db4412b8439c98a0d00fbd96f454321&oe=55C8B114)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/p296x100/10985405_855287601226190_2491236875097117093_n.jpg?oh=292fda87bac92ad08a7fa75e6e779d99&oe=55F985D0)
It's because women buy 90% of all underwear
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11209574_855287527892864_4381685464865261881_n.jpg?oh=b5fc106cab1d3cbce927abf2f1e77593&oe=55F9902E)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11235432_855287437892873_1683665673214434408_n.jpg?oh=1014c6fbf91d07e85f13c7490f8c0511&oe=55C7AE74)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11263081_855287341226216_851125427572749999_n.jpg?oh=05173538e5a024c90258dd6e70b68648&oe=55FF2809)
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Stop thinking of yourself as an ugly person.
Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
The first 40 years of childhood are always
the hardest!
You know that little thing in your head that
stops you from saying things you shouldn't?
Yeah, I don't have one of those.
I never thought I would be the person who
gets up early in the morning to work out.
I was right
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYYzjn9_Kuc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYYzjn9_Kuc)
Women are different. Some are designed for poetry. Other for jokes. But both of them really need love.
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In Russia the real woman has to cut a tree, destroy the house and grow up the daughter!!!
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Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.” Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to take your camel to bed …
-
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ...
THEY WALK AMONG US
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(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11165285_1585186301740418_320082421009886418_n.jpg?oh=851db4adb799a618cf6d2a5950aaeef2&oe=55C56D1C)
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If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that
mean that 1 out of 5 people enjoy it?
If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean
If a woman says you're ugly she's being jealous
If a little kid says you're ugly, then you are ugly.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
As if I would really want to see a band called
Parking violation at the court house.
(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11052447_1587341268191588_169852313464046035_n.jpg?oh=21ace55a6f0f8a63f9981652df652a76&oe=55C7B7D2)
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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Wot?
:ROFL:
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/10522750_10152565923230421_7103849235914053208_n.jpg?oh=32ff8e47a1aa419766fed877e096cd3e&oe=560B00CB)
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Wot?
:ROFL:
And unfortunately their DNA is now going to be replicated.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/11206070_10153634710065353_8704339183929935547_n.jpg?oh=6891ede2e6bfb63dda7d41a7baf920ff&oe=56075563)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11426358_786572591440962_874712592243789922_n.jpg?oh=96330912ebd49070b3465bb7488f9775&oe=55F3C1CA)
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Note 1:
The doctor said that I should take the day off and relax
Note 2:
I have been calling myself doctor
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I have a friend who's life is one seemed like a good idea at the time after another.
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Dr : You need an operation.
Me: I would like a second opinion.
Dr : Give me another $250 and I will give you another opinion.
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Dr : You need an operation.
Me: I would like a second opinion.
Dr : Give me another $250 and I will give you another opinion.
Dr: You are seriously fat
Me: I would like a second opinion
Dr: You're ugly too
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How to call a family meeting:
Turn off the wifi router then wait in the room that it's kept in.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11391468_785403881557833_8831551859864367646_n.png?oh=0c50a5537449d09112c591552d0beb17&oe=55F6356D)
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Dr tells redneck that the grandfather died of a massive infarction.
Redneck calls family to report that grandfather died of massive internal fart.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/1560601_784862648278623_3741969544723377950_n.jpg?oh=bbff7871f9ffc09cfcf1c6a40b4c02ee&oe=55F9E3CC)
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Dr tells redneck that the grandfather died of a massive infarction.
Redneck calls family to report that grandfather died of massive internal fart.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped opening his bills.
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Dr: Seems you are pregnant.
Blonde: How do we know I am the mother?
= = = = =
You win Bill, I am off to bed.
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(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/06/Future-doctor-cartoon.jpg)
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(http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/images/xdrrobegap.jpg.pagespeed.ic.BFlW5kGFbc.jpg)
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Fun facts
1. Some pine cones look like poop
2. I'm never kicking anything with flip flops again
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/11017555_901153463275642_5544480526002716639_n.jpg?oh=b69d5c3ebf86d1cb5c3fe70a57d6c601&oe=55E95983)
Happiness is only one throat punch away
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10407986_893488270708828_3141759749167156652_n.jpg?oh=7cf8af6d52314ec3aabf71dc728fd949&oe=55F95371)
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11200595_890465927677729_4236348129874162076_n.jpg?oh=b7ddf0f9a6eaab446d8e45916a0703d9&oe=55F41A9F)
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her hands.
If they are around your throat, something's usually wrong.
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Delivery.
Where to?
Donetsk airport.
Cyborgs order 3 pizzas from Donetsk pizzeria.
http://uapress.info/ru/news/show/81034
(http://uapress.info/content/news/2015/6/81034/big2/275b4035c8ec599206dd2c2386278d701434280785.jpg)
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http://youtu.be/yEnLYf8Qqmg
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http://youtu.be/EADGMYpUa6I
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Two guys get thrown out by their girlfriends.
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/CGlcz1qVIAEXd8D.jpg)
The guy on the right could probably get his girl back, but the guy on
the left there is no way, because she was way too calm.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11350637_870183103069973_3931802453090568495_n.jpg?oh=51ad117c926975af4dc2759aa54d7e85&oe=55F6A0E3)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11067469_870183029736647_2181747520632492805_n.jpg?oh=ba5ff1d9264afe797acb4ef1084c3833&oe=5629EC7F)
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(http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/5/1/1/5/3/1511535805/c8a483300db531eecd8cc6010fee039bac221942.jpeg)
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(http://img.brainjet.com/slides/3/3/2/3/8/8/3323883260/55b597a2db1459d42762da1fb61c1772bba484b5.jpeg)
(http://img.brainjet.com/slides/4/2/4/9/6/6/4249668576/f1d74efecf1cf73a267952cf425d7c25d59f1655.jpeg)
(http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/8/7/9/0/1/1879016884/4cf1e36fc3d3711b29d1953d51fe583f105ce1a1.jpeg)
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(http://img.brainjet.com/slides/7/0/4/9/6/3/704963733/87d24935c4e82e8a91264e0ef5a19031cbd59fc8.jpeg)
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The guy at the lumber yard down the street left the keys
in his forklift and went home! Long story short I now have
a Pepsi and Redbox machine!
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Telling the truth on Internet Dating.
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(http://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11667279_1454551634853436_2742271018095123109_n.jpg?oh=4edbe3cf5e8c041990d759276b4d580b&oe=56254082)
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Pinching pennies.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/10269549_683086628425224_8329631053255311265_n.jpg?oh=5527e95e37779b3ae46492c99c5c6850&oe=560E0E4A)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11073567_857428740991011_343822171373219443_n.jpg?oh=cb168d99b1cc97b9fc714c7b83128f6e&oe=56231490)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/p640x640/11263015_879439782123240_1366229903219079153_n.jpg?oh=1650c1377d12229c75ed446edcfba732&oe=565CC13E)
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(http://www.guywheatley.com/photos/pelosi-flying-monkeys.jpg)
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(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/bc/94/ca/bc94ca4b0bab63083e4458536770852c.jpg)
(http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-picture-overly-attached-girlfriend-sex-position.jpg)
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You're the sun to my moon
You're the yin to my yang
because there's nobody else I'd rather bang.
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If Hooters delivered would it be called Knockers?
The fact that there are ugly hookers is all you need to know about men.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11215772_1638581819689780_8309030454108565192_n.jpg?oh=5b5e92d02702d58eac2e0ac5b094fff9&oe=561C0940)
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Warning bad jokes to follow
Warning bad jokes to follow
Warning bad jokes to follow
Warning bad jokes to follow
Just skip on to the next post and forget this post
I was pulled over by a female cop, and she asked
"do you know why I pulled you over?" so I said
"because you want to suck me off?"
Then she said "put your hands behind your head"
Then I said " I knew it"
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11200903_1638825352998760_1355066618603656574_n.jpg?oh=50a15a2b3456242725158f257e3044b1&oe=5658543F)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11108961_1638999616314667_239078967103322543_n.jpg?oh=893006fdc14fae8d929682b25c149f96&oe=56123DC1)
I ran over the neighbors cat and then later helped them put up
Missing posters
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/l/t1.0-9/10959781_1582646608616635_966225134247021932_n.jpg?oh=ef49a06d1e801dbe86d8e49e37887533&oe=5617AE76)
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She runs away.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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I asked a girl if she wanted a quickie,
but she said "no, I want the full three minutes"
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An old girl friend said she wanted a fifty shades of grey sex life,
but the truth is she couldn't even handle a finger in her butt.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11698356_802004443249184_2670061150785504637_n.jpg?oh=ede11d68bcb41157c0bbf326d743da9f&oe=56199916)
Summer burn tip #101
Use Noxema and Viagra for a bad sun burn.
Noxema for the burn and Viagra to keep you sheets off of your legs.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11403437_798615643588064_6076924062631323396_n.jpg?oh=61f9b3ca4137e72fa1d0dca982ee28f1&oe=5622544E)
Fun fact: It only takes 53 beers to get the recommended daily allowance of calcium!
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11217965_796157757167186_1889346402238783167_n.jpg?oh=4c365a1e751ee8654ba8465da64c5173&oe=56117C70)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11012595_795098450606450_907658796973630700_n.png?oh=e4dda8086ac83d0a7bb0d2e6fc4232a0&oe=562A5953)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10403203_793724594077169_7557002438739233821_n.jpg?oh=baaed5e2431ac89fa88a8007c15c025b&oe=565702C9)
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What do you get when a topless brunette is rubbing lotion on a
topless blonde? That's right your camera!
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An oldie but a goodie
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11412415_791171627665799_5060217975274317627_n.jpg?oh=8e61c198fad16bedd93c4d80c32ba91a&oe=561E8D4C)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/11406843_789831804466448_7489438448509614838_n.jpg?oh=f6e3de9cc3a9f5bcc87c87b981398276&oe=56559416)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/t31.0-8/s960x960/11402646_789217304527898_1011880152021060960_o.jpg)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11401077_786485444801084_7059137876236751184_n.jpg?oh=428ac77a40f984da4e9d4e65ac1a032a&oe=56555B4A)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11427045_784610508321911_527002675600797914_n.jpg?oh=8844d989c95dc5fb7f83106e70681dc6&oe=565374FA)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11254277_784375641678731_3960151485720684864_n.jpg?oh=871a1d5794218df0157d4758c9e90e59&oe=56554D76)
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My exwife had a very strange fetish. She would dress up as herself and
then act like a bitch all the time.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11000896_1098366490188952_513571211082746804_n.jpg?oh=434f2df8049681c58917fe2e54ae5d6f&oe=560EC9DF)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10421434_1109878839026590_5560447271116548047_n.jpg?oh=71fd80d88dcf84d9f391611ae67bbb98&oe=561A384A)
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(http://coviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/demotivational-posters-still3.jpg)
OK, this is as gay as Twilight
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_nfkUveGxxk4/S80JzC0a7iI/AAAAAAAABC0/gz3ekAjv0dQ/s1600/Uni.jpg)
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(http://www.vitamin-ha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/demotivational-posters-25.jpg)
(http://coviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/demotivators_picdump_32.jpg)
(http://img.phombo.com/img1/photocombo/6774/Wife.jpg)
(http://cdn.acidcow.com/pics/20130606/funny_demotivational_posters_01.jpg)
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(http://www.ayblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/blondes-life-time-woman-college-t-shirt-joke-education-smart-demotivational-poster.jpg)
(http://cdn.lolcaption.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/lolcaption-demotivational-posters-gaytest.jpg)
(http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/demotivational-posters-and-then.jpg)
(http://wekosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Best-Demotivational-Quotes-6.jpg)
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(http://prafulla.net/wp-content/sharenreadfiles/2013/01/384306/Funny-Demotivational-Posters-4.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/VNFk5fY.jpg)
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(http://wekosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Best-Demotivational-Quotes-6.jpg)
Yes, easy decision. I would take any of the 3 smaller breasted.
-
Enjoy
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(http://funniesttoptenlists.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Beautiful-Monkey-and-Girl.jpg)
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Yes, easy decision. I would take any of the 3 ...........
Not all four?
C'mon be greedy!
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(http://www.ayblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/blondes-life-time-woman-college-t-shirt-joke-education-smart-demotivational-poster.jpg)
So sad that the ignorant idiot who wrote the caption isn't smart enough to know what "collage" is! :cluebat:
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So sad that the ignorant idiot who wrote the caption isn't smart enough to know what "collage" is!
Sorry, but I don't understand how you ascertained this.
He/she could have been mistaken in that the gal really does love collage and didn't just spell college incorrectly.
But this doesn't prove he/she doesn't know what collage is.
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So sad that the ignorant idiot who wrote the caption isn't smart enough to know what "collage" is! :cluebat:
Maybe it was the blonde wearing the shirt that wasn't smart enough?
There was a guy who went to a blue ribbon highschool with a petition
to end "women's suffrage" many signed the petition thinking they
were trying to end the suffering of women.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ebpa1YSns8
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A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation. Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas. She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.
After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went. "Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined." Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."
Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/l/t1.0-9/11223602_1628128527426969_8912896127869483382_n.jpg?oh=c51f8c09bab90a06c5a15e97553e01b9&oe=5611D404)
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
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Best Home Depot Ad ever.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/uk2a-MJyM1g
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This looks like so much fun. Unfortunately some lawyer would sue everybody.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Henry The Sixth, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2, 71–78
http://youtu.be/QSZJvJ0kg6o
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(http://insidegrind.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/be-23.jpg)(http://insidegrind.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/be-18.jpg)
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Mosh pit Martha didn't do this again......
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a4/4a/22/a44a2219b4be86c0be64436244d0b0b8.jpg)
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Passing some time at the news desk there?
(http://uberhavoc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/1a8dee61969ff90f46668b92b5f3536c.gif)
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Remember hot pants?
(http://dailysanctuary.com/uploads/wtfnew037.jpg)
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Remember hot pants?
Reminds me of Miss Canada
(http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Beauty%20Contests/Miss%20Universe%202004/mis192d.jpg)
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Reminds me of Miss Canada
(http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Beauty%20Contests/Miss%20Universe%202004/mis192d.jpg)
I'm guessing she's part of the Ukrainian diaspora! :D
-
Shaving can become quite revealing.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?t=250&v=vsOJka5_pok
Here is a woman! She is cute, despite his age! :thumbsup:
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
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The boy missed one point . . . blackmail.
-
yes but he did get a full understanding of politics, right in his own home LOL.
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.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11164694_10152964557417499_6702132649856804342_n.jpg?oh=14eced4feabc8b1834554d3a722e615b&oe=563A371E)
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Exwife joke (that means it's not a true story)
I was walking along with my exwife back in the olden days, she was talking on
the phone and I heard her say "Hey Twatzilla, shut your dicksucker and go annoy
somebody else."
I was going to post that in the newbie section so that they know that if a woman
says that phrase then it's a red flag.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10982314_1659253214293418_2645031293281816283_n.jpg?oh=118b83600e809eadae28b99844f892f5&oe=56842A82)
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Classy Ladies don't have one night stands,
They have auditions without a call back
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A slightly drunk woman was watching TV and
yelling at the TV,
"Don't go into the church you dumb B!tch!!!"
Her husband asks "what are you watching?"
"our wedding video" she says
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A drunk Russian man using an ATM.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQK00RM3JsI
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11836913_1120474474647662_4096412092721017793_n.jpg?oh=14ff657db11d270870b2726b8106dcde&oe=567350F2)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11898690_1119586354736474_5189496593856605844_n.jpg?oh=c5f272d22ee7178478e8dc30be888925&oe=5681BAA2)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11822501_1119114471450329_7323638540305750459_n.jpg?oh=30af66dfc96fa8524c5a08a540e658a3&oe=567DEAF7)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10985959_1116874935007616_7050098024095739630_n.jpg?oh=44d4da7c19cb231c70211238af49bab3&oe=5681E6B8)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11825731_1116646171697159_2201242403628239024_n.jpg?oh=2cea20906ee92f0d24c5d0be75284caa&oe=564874F3)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11824943_1113495118678931_2512447131321909736_n.jpg?oh=4180c90e5cb1e3eeb08c328e56598314&oe=567998CE)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10151404_1111185328909910_8444478721673136905_n.jpg?oh=9814d20c96266951134b22a88478dc51&oe=5641B5DE)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11745534_1109010129127430_163112550176917158_n.jpg?oh=5e36e4b874d92c07323217578e3b66cb&oe=56836E50)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11745602_1108806372481139_7274491450226841975_n.jpg?oh=7bd7050e4775bb1f61e5b4188756adce&oe=563D8BF5)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11800169_1108173962544380_1919400021091925319_n.jpg?oh=400236d185a9be0965fcff1e4f784c44&oe=56788219)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/11201880_1108153585879751_6704291041018517862_n.jpg?oh=4f91c42f61badd5bdf8285ecff4a1f8c&oe=56410384)
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It's kind of amazing how potatoes give us fries, chips and vodka
Every other vegetable time to get it together!
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11742836_717556965041326_723765110825405504_n.jpg?oh=67abee031e721e11ca4e2a1f53a54ab2&oe=5674E59B)
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Some people are born for their jobs
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11698640_945878468802526_7388621635132735002_n.jpg?oh=6890fee99129428d455165f45f46fba2&oe=567C01F4)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11745414_1073807682664292_5946573053897566346_n.jpg?oh=8f5f835c3549926b15c63d82e62598f5&oe=56789E3F)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11760303_1292688237411563_7981976849402194801_n.jpg?oh=0682218382b68f73560724e0689aad5c&oe=56800394)
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.
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So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there
was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk approached and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal customer, so I asked,
"Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F--- OFF, GET OUT AND STAY OUT!"
I said, "YES, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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Panda fun.
http://buzz.bitecharge.com/play/escapepanda
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Panda fun.
(http://buzz.bitecharge.com/play/escapepanda)
The youngster panda appears to be smarter than the attendant.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11035543_1157813607580690_4598165257525856211_n.jpg?oh=7db9ad1834decd501da0776949dec069&oe=566D6AB5)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11902306_1159258127436238_1147193046338889023_n.jpg?oh=ec1dfe4674c6f8813145a0c2a63e6510&oe=5683453F)
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My high school girlfriend wasn't a slut,
However she was banged more than the
snooze button on Monday morning.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11238231_1098728970155821_3833333712783156711_n.jpg?oh=554fc2867cbd4fd3bd682ecbf1721939&oe=563B5C24)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11223556_1098744156820969_6407707294244334889_n.jpg?oh=22007901c83809684d4868873006237e&oe=563AF7E5)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11263025_1099122900116428_3680648401712194915_n.jpg?oh=e4c1cb78ebc4555f6061c87352346686&oe=5639A769)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11260392_1100203956674989_8146032859683018981_n.jpg?oh=105b426c36a9e69e2fa10be7724169c1&oe=563F3145)
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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up. . . . .
Sergeant: Don't worry, buddy. We'll find your truck.
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Management Lesson
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you."
The girl looked at him and then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "He had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11870850_506973882792941_6352357463223661702_n.png?oh=8088a3a23c94943a7807c53a972f68ab&oe=5636DCF3)
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These special goggles help Babushka's see through the BS
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11924201_10201089315350882_5596579206405020094_n.jpg?oh=c937867f03a04952af14170c20533c72&oe=56618367)
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Hellen Wait is the primary complaint manager.
if you have a problem with any of my posts here
go to Hellen Wait
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I got kicked out of the community pool again.
Apparently the breast stroke isn't what it sounds like.
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My Sister was married to a worthless and lazy man.
I tried to get him a job at the plant but the only work
experience listed on his resume was his court ordered
community service.
I think his real skill is testing new electronic gadgets to
see if they are idiot proof. My sister has apparently been
having headaches so he has been taking a tablet to bed
with him. It already has all the porn on it he might need.
He tried to join the paranoids anonymous meeting but they
wouldn't tell him where to go. My sister eventually left him
and I saw him just the other day. His new girl friend told
him that a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving
relationship. He still wishes she didn't have one though.
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I got kicked out of the community pool again.
Apparently the breast stroke isn't what it sounds like.
I was not only kicked out, I was arrested for peeing in the pool.
I said: "Everyone pees in the pool."
Officer: "Yes, but they are in the pool."
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Apparently analogy is NOT the study of buttholes.
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I just sold a mower on craigslist.
I'll bet my neighbor thinks twice
before mowing his yard at 6:00am
on a Saturday again.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11914983_1124727234222386_2502780106857609878_n.jpg?oh=a8dfe45b0037483db72207c6de0b234a&oe=5637BF86)
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CONFESSION
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"
Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend he agrees. After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister.
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says . . .
"You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."
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When will Russians realize the joke is on them when they stick with Putin?
Probably not for several years when they are again on their knees.
- - - - - - - - -
Ovation for Hitler in the Reichstag after announcing the successful Anschluss, 1938. The Anschluss (German for “union”) was the annexation of Austria into Nazi Germany in March 1938. One of the Nazi’s ideologies was to re-unite all Germans either born or living outside of the Reich in order to create an “all-German Reich.” From the early beginning of his leadership in the Nazi Party, Hitler had publicly stated in his 1924 autobiography (Mein Kampf) that he would create a union between his birth country and Germany, by any means possible.
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(http://www.opengeek.net/images/ogeek/omg/tumblr-pics-funny.jpg)
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Where is he, in one cup of bra ?
-
Where is he, in one cup of bra ?
Lurking in the background ;).
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The problem with being so....transfixed :-\
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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
" What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
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I couldn't find something in the liquor store so a lady behind the
counter came out and helped me find it. I call her my spirit guide ;D
You know you are hungover when you need to brush your teeth
with your sunglasses on.
I stepped on a corn flake,
so now I'm a cereal killer
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11139957_826277584137129_8377874507345008593_n.jpg?oh=068c22169d845f64a57f468f063751a7&oe=56A1224E)
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"
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Women love a man who is brimming with confidence, because without that what's left to destroy? :rolleyes:
-
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qc2l8TfvdE
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At 7:29.....what a match that is :clapping:
-
This guy got really drunk the other night and took his
girlfriend home to meet the folks.
When his wife found out about it she got really pissed.
One morning, Harry wakes up and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He calls up his bookie and puts $333, 000, his life savings, on it to win.
It comes in third.
That lady I'm married to..
has so accused me of being impersonal.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear it.. is he still wrong?
-
Donald and Hillary were walking together and came upon a homeless man.
Donald took out his business card and gave it to the man telling him to come by the office to apply for a job. He also reached into his pocket, took out $20, and gave it to the man.
Hillary was impressed. Later, they came upon another homeless man.
Hillary gave him directions to the welfare office. Then she reached into Donald's pocket, took out $20, handed the man $5 and kept $15 for administrative fees.
-
Vegetation humor
-
Different objective.
-
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both
shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and
then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief,
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis?
I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of
the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the
house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked
in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself,
"One of the poor girls musta died....
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10570329_787316927993371_6149901540288884175_n.jpg?oh=c0c763c87cd25bcec544d2576c08521c&oe=56A4C919)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/10645089_774954262562971_2091142211389002542_n.jpg?oh=1885d07c3b8adb436f58ace959617e8a&oe=5693DCB2)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/10645089_774954262562971_2091142211389002542_n.jpg?oh=1885d07c3b8adb436f58ace959617e8a&oe=5693DCB2)
I'll have to interject here.
The graph above seems to be the guiding principle of today's ad people as every other commercial men are depicted as bumbling idiots that are "rescued" by the savvy damsel next to the idiot. Maybe art imitating form?
Fire-retardant suit on! ;) [size=78%] [/size]
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Did you ever notice that men shake their fuel pump pistol when they are finished pumping
gas and women never do?
(http://s3-origin-images.politico.com/2012/01/120106_gas_prices_ap_328.jpg)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11825786_889343177820579_1370690578499602583_n.jpg?oh=87e5d29379b9deac7a1060257f9a93e3&oe=5698CAE7)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11709520_886364108118486_5575336835969276681_n.jpg?oh=c64cf1950cd38fade1bf240b8ba49da8&oe=5691E708)
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The reason that in a disaster they evacuate women and children first.
That's so that they can try to think of a solution in silence
(http://static1.squarespace.com/static/5006453fe4b09ef2252ba068/5095eabce4b06cb305058603/5095eabce4b02d37bef4c24c/1352002236895/100_anniversary_titanic_sinking_by_esai8mellows-d4xbme8.jpg)
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It's called Cinderella drunk, when you make the walk of shame the next day
without shoes. Only prince charming knows where they went
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/38/36/b3/3836b31a73d2c6bcd8affaf4074c0e8b.jpg)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11701190_877166202371610_6553590276101840102_n.jpg?oh=b2b82b32a8014bebe2a27df4a0301053&oe=56A189A6)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12122960_917504011640805_3971107335846878793_n.jpg?oh=3b9ff2b0b614c61b95502e11b1fb6963&oe=568EA1AE)
It's not whether you win or lose,
it's whether you left any trace DNA
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12107116_917276428330230_5763270364054066255_n.jpg?oh=1cc1317cd9e9a6d491829d82278fd401&oe=56D2292B)
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Square Testicles
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After much discussion an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, for instance, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied . . .
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
-
Square Testicles
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning...
Lovely story...but "Royal" Bank of Ireland? Wash your mouth out with soap! :devil:
-
The month of October is baseball playoff season. So for baseball fans:
T-shirt worn by a Toronto fan:
ONE BJ IS BETTER THAN NINE YANKS
It's not funny if it has to be explained.
-
Lovely story...but "Royal" Bank of Ireland? Wash your mouth out with soap! :devil:
It seems there WAS a Royal Bank of Ireland, at least from 1836 to 1966 ;):
Allied Irish Banks Limited was formed in 1966 as a new company that acquired three Irish banks: Provincial Bank of Ireland, the Royal Bank of Ireland, and the Munster & Leinster Bank. The banks saw an alliance as the best way to overcome the fragmented nature of the Irish banking industry. Ireland in the mid-1960s was changing fast and the merger strengthened the banks’ position in the emerging global business era.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allied_Irish_Banks
-
It seems there WAS a Royal Bank of Ireland, at least from 1836 to 1966 ;):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allied_Irish_Banks
Oops! :-[
-
Für heiße Momente (German) = For Hot Moments
Watch for surprising ending.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf00Bm4g_cY
-
A 'different' reason for some gun control ?
http://www.facebook.com/XplicitNationMedia/videos/897589420296422/
0:00/0:00
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A 'different' reason for some gun control ?
I say let'em buy guns and ammunition and let Darwin sort it out.
Maybe it's time to thin the herd?
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10420769_10152923212186840_2198971966196875863_n.jpg?oh=ddc4a2d3f8162cad18b3370db69a1e49&oe=56EE2C18)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/10678857_10152919440091840_592766477037721252_n.jpg?oh=79bd192b0f842d057554e21fee1067ab&oe=56DEC805)
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For the perpetually indecisive and shy.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1525113_10152916571176840_3358361942388037834_n.jpg?oh=96fd60eed60dda76e8b39333bd5378a7&oe=56AC8E50)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10687083_10152913169336840_3709499333810274583_n.jpg?oh=63e82e1a31ce6305d7815848f09d7a46&oe=56F5C54C)
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A 'different' reason for some gun control ?
http://www.facebook.com/XplicitNationMedia/videos/897589420296422/ (http://www.facebook.com/XplicitNationMedia/videos/897589420296422/)
0:00/0:00
Gun control? Just give them all free guns, and then there will be less of them.
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Very old jokes
'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'
My mother in law said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’
Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'
'The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.'
'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
'A big girl came up to me after a show and said, "I think you’re fatist." I said, "No, no. I think you’re fattest."
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One of my favorite holiday jokes:
A traveling sales man for Beechum's pills went to a small town determined to sell the population on his company's product line based on what they were already interested in. He found out that they were all intent on completing a new church for the town.
He cozied up to the pastor and said his company would like to provide the new hymnals for the church. "They might have a small amount of acknowledgement to our company, but would be new hymnals and we would really like to do this." The pastor agreed and the hymnals arrived in time for the Christmas eve service. The pastor looked them over and saw none of the anticipated advertising. He was happy and attributed the lack thereof to divine intervention.
Christmas eve service began with the singing of Hark the Herald Angels Sing:
The congregation sang:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Beechum's Pills are Just the Thing
Peace on Earth and Mercy Mild
Two for Adults, One for Child.
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(http://d.justpo.st/media/images/2014/05/bff0bc167fdaefef5a1b111f19796ab0.jpg)
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Animals Can Be Jerkshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vx1OVLX5Rc
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/12346353_10156951634235377_7851232827478887923_n.jpg?oh=1cf149c65d88b24a092f640acd339107&oe=56E7BEA8)
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(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c0/c6/b4/c0c6b4dc8484c2b7aa0e95c960bd29c4.jpg)
(http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/snowman_stick_sm.jpg)
(http://singlewritermomrants.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/us-8.jpg?w=224&h=300)
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My exwife slightly less organized as a $3 DVD bin at Walmart
Her goal was to lose 10 pounds this year, only has 15 to go
It's hard to explain double entendres to kleptomaniacs
because they take things, literally.
Kids are so spoiled today with all those different flavors for Cheerios
When I was a kid Cheerios had one flavor and it was paper.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/12299358_10156920816830377_7194562085288867877_n.jpg?oh=3e28a40b758d6bcc8f0f2a864b518707&oe=56DC1128)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12234996_10156894337540377_2007710704000509285_n.jpg?oh=ad20b6051e3bf8eaf2fec26cc29497f2&oe=56E38976)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11221642_724861944282603_2523699141151223731_n.jpg?oh=9075cf453186a2177753d3d79928fa90&oe=56EB4E40)
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Short and Profound
These three statements tell you a lot about our culture:
1.
We are advised by the Liberals to NOT judge ALLMuslims by the actions of a few lunatics,but
we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.
And another statement for consideration--
2.
We constantly hear about how CPP (Canada Pension Plan) is going to run out
of money.. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second
Didn't.
Finally
3.
Provincial Social Services (welfare payments) is proud to be distributing this
year the greatest amount of free money ever .
Meanwhile, the Parks Branch,
asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
The stated reason for this policy is
because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to
take care of themselves."
That ends Today's Lesson On Irony
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LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
Late in the night, Jerry finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
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Old Wise Tail
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12189026_920118091369622_7387307823117994120_n.jpg?oh=2d5d46fe310d7ca164ff0a1b77fb26fb&oe=56E158A8)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/12191859_916842175030547_5481938286839379205_n.jpg?oh=08e2b3a741b2baee68659b409cea04b8&oe=571E0AB2)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12189091_914564458591652_6331105456483853779_n.jpg?oh=fa1a73608011dad681216a0aa35fc9db&oe=56D5AB33)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/12096530_906417492739682_6689556211845007187_n.jpg?oh=865e77097f39cff19650b6731effb904&oe=56E9D87E)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10422361_891735877541177_1817722752510538618_n.png?oh=3b7dd619b7e84e1dcf42f1f252d96258&oe=56E181CE)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11951338_889529701095128_8986359338359676893_n.jpg?oh=67b77edc62cd5e05ba209192b54ff45a&oe=56D886B8)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12079302_904391616275603_646136915744116027_n.jpg?oh=b06f86a2279ee3901075d83339dfae87&oe=56DE2C99)
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Reviews we could use
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/12049252_902989553082476_6257017993725319400_n.jpg?oh=db6ab0720e5cd5859fe77e33a97ce70d&oe=571D1775)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11947682_902841943097237_3288007400798757267_n.jpg?oh=7f391e509e04628d1bb62636e2407a20&oe=56D7D2A6)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12042695_900414750006623_2548166245418840438_n.jpg?oh=7a07a5bd45482ecd303ec0abdfec7301&oe=571A1332)
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Splenda Daddy, is a guy who wants to be a sugar daddy,
but doesn't have the financial means to pull it off
I don't have bad hand writing, I just have my own font
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t31.0-8/s720x720/12015106_898071063574325_3434552419187679737_o.jpg)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/11990611_897216830326415_3465414584288265707_n.jpg?oh=8a9fe912d4038213b3aa7ff7cf258879&oe=56E3CC9C)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11960252_894690297245735_4609153780586986860_n.jpg?oh=14d40e91743ec452543ea22575e21645&oe=56E56D0D)
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Ok, fantasy bucket list fulfilled
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/11951317_888237867890978_8109743513212751176_n.jpg?oh=69ea58762d3a5981846f4c4ba5b9ee99&oe=571E95FF)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11846505_880731271974971_3303451169455817227_n.jpg?oh=ee5d02691a43de33761f3018cfbfeb38&oe=56E99037)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/11889511_884214318293333_8949426535766038126_n.jpg?oh=7eb14abb1795688fe53285af3243ca12&oe=56E98C90)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11226916_881943121853786_8859638657649574068_n.jpg?oh=bf106a2a9bcb5cb5a439ff7ceaea4a22&oe=56E7A622)
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I was reading today, from an Art Expert, who uses light technology to reveal what is underneath paintings, that there is a painting underneath the Mona Lisa of another woman. (True.)
I am reminded of the Greek historian who spent 50 years of his life proving that the Iliad was not written by Homer, but by another Greek with the same name.
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I am reminded of the Greek historian who spent 50 years of his life proving that the Iliad was not written by Homer, but by another Greek with the same name.
I think he might have been at this forum some time ago arguing that
FSUW like older men ;D
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They do like older men; men who are older than their sons.
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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this date...
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(http://i.imgur.com/UakRUjV.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/ZNdIxBT.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/FLIVf1e.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/wRWVlZ8.jpg)
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A good looking young woman asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.
I told her I was an ass and vagina guy first, and legs and breasts second.
Apparently that's an inappropriate answer to give the girl at KFC
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Pharmacist to customer:
"Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book!!"
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband - the Master of the House?'
Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"
Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret ?
Old man: I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.
A man in Hell asked the Devil: May I make a call to my Wife?
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil: Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife - Today is a fine day. Next day he says, Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing - Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband - since last week, you have been saying "Today is a fine day. I am fed up. What's the matter?"
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you."
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Hanging pants.
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Strange requests
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What you have to offer.
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Asking for your hand.
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same joke told slightly differently
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Hilarious! My translation ;)
Her, "Will you drive by to pick me up from work today? Please reply asap. If you won't, then I put on flats, as I am pregnant and cannot walk much on heels. With those flats, I want to put on the white dress that matches in color. Under that, I have to put on the white underwear. So, please reply right now, as I am heading to the bathroom and need to decide on the panties (whether it will be the white ones, or the other ones that are for under the dress to wear with heels)".
Him, ''Holy crap'' ;D
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Automotive Engineering Trivia
This might help prevent “tail-gaters” as well.
Car buffs should appreciate this piece of automotive history.
Many of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.
Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.
His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
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We went to see the new movie "Sisters" today.
I usually really like Tina Fey, but not Amy Poehler so much.
Anyway, based on what I had read, I thought it would be a good light hearted comedy for Ochka to see after a semester of teaching Calculus.
But at big disappointment. It was just like the raunchy low brow offerings for male teenagers. Females can actually be worse than males.
The F word was used in about every sentence and crude words used to refer to penis and vagina repeatedly.
In one gross-out, Amy says to Tina.
I wouldn't mind being lesbian except for the eating pussy part.
Tina, no the worst part would be the constant talking.
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(http://www.drunkt.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Thanks-giving-Captions-31.jpg)
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I was asked who my favorite X man was.
Apparently naming Katlyn Jenner was inappropriate
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(http://www.drunkt.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Thanks-giving-Captions-31.jpg)
This is how many guys IMAGINE their next girlfriend >:(
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(http://www.drunkt.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Thanks-giving-Captions-31.jpg)
I wonder what would be the picture of what they really look like ;D
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I wonder what would be the picture of what they really look like ;D
For most, not near as good as their imagination ;D
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I wonder what would be the picture of what they really look like ;D
Probably something like this:
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/12391418_10154252282503465_4339553133700182356_n.jpg?oh=3fc619359de837906fecd28e46a19968&oe=56DAA593)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/12308325_10154226024553465_7350899235110723990_n.jpg?oh=739e49abd8cf708524f2e119bfa792c7&oe=57190B19)
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What makes this funny is it is a real commercial.
http://www.poopourri.com/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAzO6zBRC25Ju1idGJiZkBEiQAP3Sf6DYJNMq5Gwyd1DXjnPmLNAAAWttNad2xcS73ZjkedUgaAoVZ8P8HAQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY
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http://www.facebook.com/1506415799685185/videos/1516774301982668/
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10603625_1013250482071533_753473763844791945_n.jpg?oh=530a60527872086877be4b84cc58d4c7&oe=571ACA52)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10391031_1012767235453191_5848474787198679903_n.jpg?oh=b1e19adda69d19bd53c5b26fbff937a7&oe=571882E2)
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I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up.
I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I only drink for evil!
NOTE:
You go to the animal shelter to find a new dog then you're a saint
You go to the women's shelter to find a new girlfriend then everyone
loses their mind!
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/1936882_1010548442341737_2950857786377621262_n.jpg?oh=d0f3f0fd4f9e5737a5ee91286bd5b8a1&oe=56D3A568)
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A vibrator: the original selfie stick
You can tell how much a woman likes you by looking at her feet.
If they are behind her ears then she really likes you
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12313868_1001274833269098_3002215603090921656_n.jpg?oh=eae6f762f10e2614d5c1eec5ccc86188&oe=5709ACEC)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/12208544_992029487526966_1522304161239837143_n.jpg?oh=d44e91e898f5a3986f6f7bf0ed5d8a45&oe=57073997)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12295490_1000468920016356_2033953395368445010_n.jpg?oh=c23857b19f19381a7e7ad78452092d9c&oe=571F50C7)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12311104_1000084216721493_4921047003180757490_n.jpg?oh=7cbccfd30ceb9b88b2a8c308c6bd31f6&oe=57164C32)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12295429_999347693461812_5650763631928776560_n.jpg?oh=e899fc5fbcc619dccf3a25c274829c6e&oe=56D6DB47)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11209527_990229397706975_3063910843977552839_n.jpg?oh=4f65487b83fff00a12476eead3cac048&oe=570B6A22)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12189840_990164897713425_3322087351157077592_n.jpg?oh=29570cd4dd03b872a0f4e727b2311b06&oe=571C89FB)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12191080_989360084460573_6068352389761584280_n.jpg?oh=385183f089ff2b88f4faff1041943396&oe=57160E89)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/12191072_989336764462905_5254913914523100373_n.jpg?oh=6ee7b788120c4aeb245fbc2792d3223d&oe=570716C6)
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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Grandfather Frost and Santa Claus
(http://iledebeaute.ru/files/images/pub/part_2/50280/src/ic_pics_livejournal_com_0.jpg?1024_1024)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12219377_10153180400974109_841996661240233374_n.jpg?oh=0fafae8883c9fdba8d85c8c155777e63&oe=57177060)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/944667_492897170835593_1031785122401200243_n.jpg?oh=c40bda2bf06d0bbc69b444121ec02849&oe=5747B728)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/8896_492790750846235_3186932103024268118_n.jpg?oh=d2e28d5bb6ebaf182e6d1ef6d779c2f1&oe=5717C621)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1923738_492444717547505_7981162961870926845_n.jpg?oh=38f41e05cc8d911606bb0fb23670bffc&oe=5716176B)
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Are You A Republican, Democrat or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ........ ........ .........
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
............ ......... ......... ........ ......... ......
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next clip?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
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ML, Gator scooped you on that joke
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=14359.msg299693#msg299693
Re: Newt or Mitt VS Obama. Can either of 'em beat him?
« Reply #380 on: May 16, 2012, 09:15:08 AM »
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
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But the rule is that jokes need to be repeated after 3 years.
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But the rule is that jokes need to be repeated after 3 years.
Whoops, I missed the time frame. My bad
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re last ...
The democrat would not be carrying a .45
According to VP Biden he should just have a double barrel shotgun and fire two warning shots and then harshly command the assailant to retreat.
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re last ...
The democrat would not be carrying a .45
According to VP Biden he should just have a double barrel shotgun and fire two warning shots and then harshly command the assailant to retreat.
Yes, but it would be unassembled in a gun safe with double trigger locks and
the shells would be in a separate storage safe at a different location. A liberal
would never have it on his person in public, what would they say at the latte
house during the Friedrich Engels misunderstood philosophy reading?
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Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder, a Putin inspired fragrance has been launched in Russia...
http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/putin-fragrance-cologne-perfume/2016/01/05/id/708223/
Now us men can go shirtless to show some sagging man-boobs, spray on this fragrance and aspire to look like the famed botox midget.
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Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder, a Putin inspired fragrance has been launched in Russia...
http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/putin-fragrance-cologne-perfume/2016/01/05/id/708223/
Now us men can go shirtless to show some sagging man-boobs, spray on this fragrance and aspire to look like the famed botox midget.
Many toilets( bathrooms !!) have a fragrance deodoriser to get rid of that smell!
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(http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/86500/Eau-de-Barack-Obama-Cologne--86734.jpg)
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I was at Costco so I bought a bottle of Patron Silver and a Turbo tax program.
Guess what? I'm getting a $4 million dollar refund!!!
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I've been on hold so long, I can't remember who I called.
I have my credit card out and my pants are off but that
doesn't really narrow it down much.
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Why not?
Guys in prison are getting tax refunds.
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11102782_10153230811816489_7313535832295856559_n.jpg?oh=136f17fee7879a333c4dfc09948af5eb&oe=570962D5)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/11125260_10153214815551489_4555280938565044219_n.jpg?oh=bd74dab7f3ec6c690a2aee3f42d35423&oe=5742C3E9)
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Why not?
Guys in prison are getting tax refunds.
We were so loaded that we looked for my friend Ralph
for two hours (and he helped us look!)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12400844_426785734194540_4074338582318085019_n.jpg?oh=4e8f480243686c58e8f2b90dcc161f21&oe=56FE35B3)
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50% of marriages end in divorce
100% of pizza deliveries end in happiness
Score
Pizza .......... 1
Love........... 0
My 25 year old son asked me to explain women to him.
So I bought him an X box game for his Play Station.
Back when I was in High School my girl friend called and said.
"come over, nobody is home !"
I rushed over and nobody was home >:(
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Taylor Swift has 87 songs about a man leaving her and zero songs
about blow jobs. I think it's pretty clear where she is going wrong.
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Damn, I knew I shouldn't have bought them a puppy!
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10155470_10153835775908615_4404581687420608496_n.jpg?oh=8a0aa8132d7af94ab17ccaa2fe62a400&oe=5710245C)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/10171802_10153832858053615_9118866798660969484_n.jpg?oh=59f0cdb928f2203d9dcbaa782e4ad607&oe=56FC5642)
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Donald Trump's Children's Book
http://www.facebook.com/100008147201796/videos/1667421816872709/
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xal1/v/t1.0-9/156194_497591120366198_1179038478933913675_n.jpg?oh=648e98f75945cec3e0fd6d12d582bca9&oe=57379B29)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10411868_496341847157792_3033515590368281635_n.jpg?oh=90d543d0af6099f8e6fcbad6d5bdea95&oe=57467B04)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/12508826_497544693704174_8491004438575529390_n.jpg?oh=7fd03bc441711e1178431e5fbdeaef5e&oe=5701960C)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12510392_496343177157659_7377095952394463424_n.jpg?oh=f2ce516e1223f74fa23a91297e3cba54&oe=57380D14)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12553050_497366383722005_2915761924373261761_n.jpg?oh=db1189cdfc717a4f24154cef5c84da5b&oe=5740E27C)
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Viagra Warning.
Do not snort Viagra.
But then again . . . perhaps the results can be useful.
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Viagra Warning.
Do not snort Viagra.
But then again . . . perhaps the results can be useful.
Makes you wonder what licking it would do ;D
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12565618_997136206999031_3806003956210073788_n.jpg?oh=57f11dd18d13ddccb6bde7593fc284e1&oe=5732DCD8)
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Champion kick-boxer meets US Marine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=matyl6Qus-s
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I didn't know that's what 'Fix a Flat' was for.
She probably looked high and low for the product.
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One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'
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(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f3/c8/df/f3c8df511e27c51a62f0c1b148000d6a.jpg)
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Air Force One returning from Cuba
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An Asian man comes in the the pub stands next to me and starts
drinking beer. I asked him if he knew any martial arts like Kung Fu,
Ju Jitsu or Karate.
He said "why the F#ck did you ask me that? was it just because I'm Asian?"
I said, "no, it's because you're drinking my beer"
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After my recent Prostate Exam, which by the way was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the person left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...
She said...."Who was that guy?"
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1909585_908619999236070_2325186510990856692_n.jpg?oh=2defccc80569e852ced432f73e7442ce&oe=57747CD6)
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My biggest problem with autocorrect on my phone is that doesn't
understand how much I swear or how seldom I think about ducks.
Then I come across a duck joke. Luckily I've disabled autocorrect on
my phone. Seriously, if you text in Russian at all you gotta disable it.
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/10177919_907677552663648_4052180791583783377_n.jpg?oh=d8e9206fb46429d3018adcce09ecbd6b&oe=577AC712)
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(http://www.abundancetapestry.com/photos/certifieddramaqueen.jpg)
That woman has more drama than a busload of
Drag Queens on the way to a wig sale
(http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/images/P-488-488-90/15/1555/MP9DD00Z/posters/caution-drama-queen-just-ahead.jpg)
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how stuff is done in Washington.
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(http://files.sexyandfunny.com/photos/img_orig/2/img570c8daf606b0.jpg[img][img]http://files.sexyandfunny.com/photos/img_orig/2/img570c8daeae0d1.jpg)
(http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/when-motivation-finds-you.jpg)
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Anyone have URL to picture of several well tanned nude gals and one chalk white gal . . . and the question is: Identify the gal from Wisconsin (or Minnesota).
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Anyone have URL to picture of several well tanned nude gals and one chalk white gal . . . and the question is: Identify the gal from Wisconsin (or Minnesota).
(http://i.imgur.com/fPUUf.jpg?fb)
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Thanks Big Bill . . . but not the pic.
The pic I am seeking has circulated widely, shows about 6-8 tanned nude gals and one chalk white gal.
The wording often is something like: For drivers license eye test . . . identify the gal from Wisconsin (or Minnesota).
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Canadian Riot
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Thanks Big Bill . . . but not the pic.
The pic I am seeking has circulated widely, shows about 6-8 tanned nude gals and one chalk white gal.
The wording often is something like: For drivers license eye test . . . identify the gal from Wisconsin (or Minnesota).
A pic like that would get deleted because of the Puritans at Google ad sense.
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Trump's secret wig field:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFZ7wk8cu04 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFZ7wk8cu04)
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13007101_1149200221780135_6765977781722553248_n.jpg?oh=c6c706fb644c872d82a471e4c8c6fba8&oe=57BB6A8F)
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Divorce lawyers
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Divorce lawyers
Dewey, Fleesom, and Howe
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(http://www.tech4law.co.za/images/stories/2015/wife_has_prefect_sight.jpg)
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Divorce jokes
My exwife got the house but my sharp attorney was able to get me the mortgage payments
If I got screwed as much during my marriage as I did in the divorce we would still be
together
She also got my worlds greatest lover mug back in the proceedings
I knew things were going downhill when she asked for the honeymoons over suite at
the hotel
The secret to a long marriage is not to get divorced
My ex said I didn't listen to her, at least that's what I think she said.
Legally it was called filing for divorce rather than regime change
At least it was an amicable divorce my exwife kissed the judge
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/images/womens_divorce_trophy.jpg)
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Makes sense.
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I saw a tranny in the mens room today.
You gotta admit that this is getting way outta hand.
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/13094363_607733466059445_6977216181283116773_n.jpg?oh=1196ba0d99a63762e0fa4579e8d7c5f4&oe=57A58310)
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A conversation with my 3-year old son:
Me: Erik, do you love daddy?
- No, Erik loves mummy.
- But Erik loves daddy too?
- No, Erik loves mummy too.
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No single American killed in Libya . . . sez Hillary.
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13133394_1007014849387402_4271588590647316345_n.png?oh=b83ffc99572050e4b2e31802af373834&oe=579C3962)
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13087360_1007007516054802_5960809808439609998_n.jpg?oh=7e42e39f02f9fbac7f5e3ac502b5198e&oe=57B2064C)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13083228_1006258049463082_714282681711315608_n.jpg?oh=9859edfaf04d4d52099ae26b011b6fb2&oe=57E3AC5A)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13087625_1006257526129801_95194631805617270_n.jpg?oh=105b24e1276dc87594b5fbb68e3942be&oe=57A69FB2)
Here is my million dollar idea. A smoke alarm that will stop when you
yell "I'm only cooking!"
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13096185_525006151005350_51746392180366456_n.jpg?oh=f6af7b67f8708d7e9c43122a2669115e&oe=579A72E9)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13100762_525005071005458_3639153004552574220_n.jpg?oh=0c8e7e03c4f3a6a98548b7923d2558c0&oe=579E316D)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13139091_524156961090269_2693029042887187617_n.jpg?oh=43a1206a136a34789efda34f1040a325&oe=57A06AB3)
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13100919_521625664676732_1988834891735471797_n.jpg?oh=16472916a5c20c26c87a738c8af94038&oe=57AE4FF1)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11416137_521023418070290_5472618853526262644_n.jpg?oh=1b567e55261b440e904c8ac7ed3c47ba&oe=57ADBAD0)
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13139091_524156961090269_2693029042887187617_n.jpg?oh=43a1206a136a34789efda34f1040a325&oe=57A06AB3)
Any idea why he is wearing headphones at a time like this ???
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He had a nose plug too.
He couldn't stand the sound of a woman's screams or the smell of burning rubber.
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Any idea why he is wearing headphones at a time like this ???
I thought an experienced man such as yourself would know. For some women it is necessary to use sonar to locate her G-spot.
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I thought an experienced man such as yourself would know. For some women it is necessary to use sonar to locate her G-spot.
Oh well, I flunked the sonar recognition test in US Navy.
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Any idea why he is wearing headphones at a time like this ???
Hint:
"You're too low Striker!"
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(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13100919_521625664676732_1988834891735471797_n.jpg?oh=16472916a5c20c26c87a738c8af94038&oe=57AE4FF1)
(http://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11416137_521023418070290_5472618853526262644_n.jpg?oh=1b567e55261b440e904c8ac7ed3c47ba&oe=57ADBAD0)
Good God Bill! You're killing me! I think you just turned me into an official popka man. :clapping:
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I thought an experienced man such as yourself would know. For some women it is necessary to use sonar to locate her G-spot.
:ROFL:
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(http://i.imgur.com/8x2cjER.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/HvAH6bu.jpg)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13177120_1011352848953602_5451260432699214155_n.jpg?oh=24b6ea7bad7c362444eee149d1059f00&oe=57AC208D)
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(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13133353_1698254317105422_7090992047844046013_n.jpg?oh=7e1f5f99f70279432f19ce807f0ee8a2&oe=57B0FB23)
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Corn ball joke warning!!!
Corn ball joke warning!!!
Corn ball joke warning!!!
Corn ball joke warning!!!
You can skip this joke and nobody will think less of you.
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13177532_1011016082320612_1673249370126688212_n.jpg?oh=d1ad5373b9d244b2dd7053daf689805d&oe=57AF1224)
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Any idea why he is wearing headphones at a time like this ???
He didn't like getting water in his ears?
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(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13239266_1088786544525962_1399190459434806227_n.jpg?oh=3d94b5a79ba58ef95c5fe49e94604398&oe=57E41EAF)
(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13220882_1088168464587770_2042445405676881543_n.jpg?oh=fd7e09b38cf39802d2db6b1ffbcc3e3d&oe=57995A91)
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Rodeo folks
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He just now thought of it.
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Do they have to wear dresses?
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A beautiful quote from one of our leading jockeys after winning a race today on a very heavy (wet and muddy) grass track - "I was working harder out there than a one-armed pastor in Baghdad!" :devil: Take a bow, Robert Hannam - known to all in New Zealand racing circles as "The Pope." :D
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I asked the woman if she wanted a quickie.
She said, "No . . . I want the full three minutes."
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I asked the woman if she wanted a quickie.
She said, "No . . . I want the full three minutes."
Was she boiling an egg?
What do "real men" do to satisfy women during sex?
Nothing "real men" don't care
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Noticed this ad from Europe..
beautiful asian girl looking for successful gentlemen (canada) .......
canadian born asian girl looking for successful gentlemen. i am 35. please contact me if you are a multi billionaire.
bonus if you are over 50. - KEINEN Kontakt zur Übermittlung von Diensten oder Angeboten
[NOBODY Contact with the transmission of services or offers]
IOW no 3 minute quickies.
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I've just replaced a can of air freshener in the ladies bathroom at work with
an airhorn........................... now we wait.
On Friday we got a new coffee maker at work. So I put a sign on it that
said "voice activated"
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13332728_1438720656153651_2565648401116022917_n.jpg?oh=117eedc10fb87f22046b9f685f41bf9e&oe=57CA2C74)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13319894_1435984043093979_8290971852134815908_n.jpg?oh=4f31c0091cd671dea8d480b04cb796cd&oe=58092BB5)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13322172_1435982593094124_7026937807374758159_n.jpg?oh=cd5986b35440aa12305aca3cf38d7b1c&oe=57FFA232)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13307346_1435127126513004_1986499642496848964_n.jpg?oh=15fce8231d9e1f5d7348a258c86cb73f&oe=57D0BD8C)
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Some humor.
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Here is some humor for you guys. I was looking at Mila Lobunko from Kharkiv's pictures here on RWD the other day. I have mentioned before that I think Mila is extremely beautiful, gorgeous. A Princess. Unfortunately, I am also aware she is happily married. :( Anyways, as I was casually looking at her pictures, I was thinking about what it would be like to hire Mila if I decided to travel to Kharkiv in search of a lifelong companion. I imagined being on a date there in Kharkiv, at a nice restaurant with one of Mila's close, personal friends she was trying to facilitate helping me fall in love with....and I just started giggling to myself. :) The 3 of us were sitting together there at the restaurant table, Mila was interpreting as her friend's English (I imagined) to be limited. And instead of consistently making eye contact and talking with her good friend, instead (and horribly!!) from time to time I would just stop looking and talking to her friend, turn my head and look very lovingly, with puppy dog eyes and a sweet smile, at Mila!! And I would just smile at Mila, and talk to Mila for several minutes, completely forgetting about her friend. Mila was extremely embarassed, and she would get chippy with me and say "Uhummmm...you idiot!! I am married. You are not supposed to be flirting with me, you are supposed to be flirting with Lisa!!" :)
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Here is some humor for you guys. I was looking at Mila Lobunko from Kharkiv's pictures here on RWD the other day. I have mentioned before that I think Mila is extremely beautiful, gorgeous. A Princess. Unfortunately, I am also aware she is happily married. :( Anyways, as I was casually looking at her pictures, I was thinking about what it would be like to hire Mila if I decided to travel to Kharkiv in search of a lifelong companion. I imagined being on a date there in Kharkiv, at a nice restaurant with one of Mila's close, personal friends she was trying to facilitate helping me fall in love with....and I just started giggling to myself. :) The 3 of us were sitting together there at the restaurant table, Mila was interpreting as her friend's English (I imagined) to be limited. And instead of consistently making eye contact and talking with her good friend, instead (and horribly!!) from time to time I would just stop looking and talking to her friend, turn my head and look very lovingly, with puppy dog eyes and a sweet smile, at Mila!! And I would just smile at Mila, and talk to Mila for several minutes, completely forgetting about her friend. Mila was extremely embarassed, and she would get chippy with me and say "Uhummmm...you idiot!! I am married. You are not supposed to be flirting with me, you are supposed to be flirting with Lisa!!" :)
Wrong forum, bud. Try here... ;)
http://penthouse.com/letters
Brass
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Assume the position
(http://www.conservativedailynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Negotiating-Position-A.F.-Branco-political-cartoon.jpg)
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Eighth grade graduation speech by boy. He mimics Trump, Obama, Clinton and Sanders. Pretty good.
http://www.mrctv.org/blog/watch-funniest-graduation-speech-year
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixiYZ9DPk8o
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Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church,
and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
“Da End is Near! Turn Youself Around Now! Before It’s Too Late!”
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You religious nuts!”
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus' say
‘Bridge Out’?”
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Russian women love high heels!!!! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZoOsmFwgHY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZoOsmFwgHY)
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OMG!!! LOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0WuSebUylo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0WuSebUylo)
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It was painfully funny.
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It was painfully funny.
What about this?.....................................
(http://coviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Screen-Shot-2016-04-11-at-3.00.37-PM.png)
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Painful . . . but not funny.
I never watch the TV show "Funny home movies" for this same reason. People laughing when others probably sustain lifetime injuries.
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Painful . . . but not funny.
I never watch the TV show "Funny home movies" for this same reason. People laughing when others probably sustain lifetime injuries.
me neither.. they make my testicles cringe.. really.
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Politics overload. Need to laugh.
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OMG!!! LOL!
I saw this lady step on a downtown service grate...she broke off her high heel ..fell down and I thought she might have broken her ankle.
High heels are just a safety hazard that people could live without.
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Painful . . . but not funny.
I never watch the TV show "Funny home movies" for this same reason. People laughing when others probably sustain lifetime injuries.
Dittos on that AFV America's Funniest Home Movies. [idiots swan-diving off their house and stuff like that]
I can't find the story again on that bullfighter but it said that in spite of the 'gorey' incident, he was OK.
(http://www.youtube.com/user/AFVofficial)
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OMG!!! LOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0WuSebUylo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0WuSebUylo)
I really liked the very short clip where the girl was effectively using her heels as crampons in the snow! Not! :o
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I came home the other day and found my wife packing her suitcase. "What are you doing? I asked. She responded, "I just found out prostitution is legal in Nevada and I could get $500 for what I have been giving away free to you for all these years." I paused and grabbed my own suitcase. "What are you doing? She asked. I responded. "I'm coming along. I want to see how you are going to survive on $1000 a year!"
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Word has it that 3 of these young men have never been seen again since this picture was taken in 1969.
Any truth to that ?
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A city lawyer runs a stop sign down in Cajun country and gets pulled over by Deputy Sheriff Boudreaux. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense . . .
Deputy Boudreaux says, "License and registration, please."
City lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at da stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "Da difference is, you have to come to a complete stop! Dat's da law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy Boudreaux says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Time to man up.
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13938402_962020233923691_6495125675355089070_n.jpg?oh=e8779a5fd801f0d2c9976ede0e0d6557&oe=585A5F4E)
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Has anybody else besides me notice that the & sign looks like a guy
dragging his ass across the carpet?
Arguing with idiots is just like playing chess with a pigeon.
No matter how well you play they will eventually sh!t on the
board and strut away like they won.
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13873030_961937560598625_1934721563570048957_n.jpg?oh=162d03623ade2bc2d62f1ce51f1f0498&oe=584CD279)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13886339_961838070608574_3737996697557684335_n.png?oh=69e6da61adff8a70a3f15c87b0987931&oe=58432A4C)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13920884_961503153975399_2939302565875111274_n.jpg?oh=5aa0e5302d62ff400575348db03a6c18&oe=5855757A)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13901550_961407973984917_2498066279707721356_n.jpg?oh=68497bc7a3aa0bedfed2463a6d47098e&oe=5844F8DB)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13895150_961351390657242_2672673629467620976_n.jpg?oh=54fcd15db032bf22d2bacd55b1e319d7&oe=583E69BB)
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VERY much worth reading.
http://twentytwowords.com/parents-who-are-smarter-than-their-kids/26/
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VERY much worth reading.
http://twentytwowords.com/parents-who-are-smarter-than-their-kids/1/
Fixed that for you! The first few pages are just as funny (mostly, anyway). ;D
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Fixed that for you! The first few pages are just as funny (mostly, anyway). ;D
Thanks!
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14063712_1371427742885666_6437885391477045915_n.jpg?oh=5c0b90aa3074dac22e6675d45fe5a653&oe=58422CE6)
But you won't see me complain about her methods
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14068301_1370766169618490_9010217428627258474_n.jpg?oh=54f8d4248c49edc2ac7f0f35814617ff&oe=58486F2C)
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14089207_1365313513497089_1284645866602303850_n.jpg?oh=95492ddc71925d7d1469a6747c4300a4&oe=584CCAB1)
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I've had some good friends who were great people die way before their time.
And then there is this guy, who had no business living this long
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14102711_1368739656487808_6920106026273061224_n.jpg?oh=0c017e6c83b4c56b1aff922970adebda&oe=58392FAC)
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14022327_1365238386837935_1522133778884248164_n.jpg?oh=42fef695e08f99f77593b651b1e02f6e&oe=584480BC)
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Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and
when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. Sometimes with girls younger than our daughter. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 16 years ago, he hasn't even
looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,
cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I
have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away
to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even
hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one!!!
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Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day,
he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my
moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in
a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*ing red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Buffalo
DEAR ABBY,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling
around, and when I confronted him with the
evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
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(http://api.theweek.com/sites/default/files/F04BA1B6-44F4-4DA1-B094-DB4EB2F4E48F.jpg?resize=807x807)
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Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married
next month. My fianc?e's mother is not only very attractive
but really great and understanding. She is putting the
entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go
over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it
down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that
before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then
she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way
said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that
I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed
straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-
law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just
wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their
little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on
passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and
that thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting
to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself
including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my
car was to get a condom?
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Maybe some asshole here recognizes his vehicle?
(http://ci5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/XPjFxS8BX2_gU4zr8_AYVUJB8O9huuW3xHpShhMm7guqKX1ocBjiapArmlRmd8DinOMd8K-1X5TWrZXnRwxotGAqMTWPFGlPbyiSnRXFzu1ODQj9Mw=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/9image.jpg)
(http://ci5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/5K3_IkEi56YIAggnCOEt8xBRv3FT5GEC9nN2YeVOueVkIkfWwyKJNlDgcqTZjZVjP3b8sXJWx6-OwA_LFHZn_UJHhddiaZ0MaprxJC4ZtulK07vPRw=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/2image.jpg)
(http://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/xhibBDt4TI7r5NSVuGmf6AG8llJPwEL9D4ungp3fxbv2WkaxQfESARYJtjThmJx2Z0MbfKmgcxzM2GwsISW_jrXSB6nD2SuYu31eeCV89talxNtkkw=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/1image.jpg)
(http://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/J4vOdV3G5f1U-cRaEKWNc37T0JiLnk6ePoSCVevlG_-XOxVvvIIlpAsnm_rZXtmEye249QE6J5zDirOwQSpguliIZgKEh9TUJ0l8NqktDYdLRaN65Q=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/7image.jpg)
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The difference between Tom Brady and Colin Kaepernick
??????????????????????
Tom Brady is a Patriot :rolleyes:
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The difference between Tom Brady and Colin Kaepernick
??????????????????????
Tom Brady is a Patriot :rolleyes:
Funny
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Actually...disgraceful >:D
I wanted to see the entire stadium stand up go on the field surrounding Kaeperdick and screaming USA USA USA USA until he curled up into a ball.
I say send him to Syria.
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Actually...disgraceful >:D
I wanted to see the entire stadium stand up go on the field surrounding Kaeperdick and screaming USA USA USA USA until he curled up into a ball.
I say send him to Syria.
His birth mother came out and said it was disgraceful.
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Maybe some asshole here recognizes his vehicle?
(http://ci5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/5K3_IkEi56YIAggnCOEt8xBRv3FT5GEC9nN2YeVOueVkIkfWwyKJNlDgcqTZjZVjP3b8sXJWx6-OwA_LFHZn_UJHhddiaZ0MaprxJC4ZtulK07vPRw=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/2image.jpg)
(http://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/xhibBDt4TI7r5NSVuGmf6AG8llJPwEL9D4ungp3fxbv2WkaxQfESARYJtjThmJx2Z0MbfKmgcxzM2GwsISW_jrXSB6nD2SuYu31eeCV89talxNtkkw=s0-d-e1-ft#http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/2530621/1image.jpg)
These photos could have been taken in Russia, judging by some that I saw:
-
These photos could have been taken in Russia, judging by some that I saw:
In my city, the cops have cracked down hard on this kind of thing.
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In my city, the cops have cracked down hard on this kind of thing.
Admittedly my photo is from my first visit to St Petersburg, ten years ago. Things MAY have changed a bit since then... ;D
However, I did see this on that same trip, between Naberezhnye Chelny and Kazan:
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking,
for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help."
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Write a caption....
(http://us.acidcow.com/pics/20100719/girls_eating_hot_dogs_22.jpg)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpvLj_OB-Y0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H76yKneO_Q
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Write a caption....
(http://us.acidcow.com/pics/20100719/girls_eating_hot_dogs_22.jpg)
We are trying something different with this years Cheerleader tryouts.
What runs through your mind when she says you were her one and only.
The girl who gets all her weed for free
Sally started with one and kept practicing getting better and better.
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/db/2e/e6/db2ee65b37373c282fbd449dd43958cb.jpg)
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f8/61/09/f861096341fc3989e018e37676c2b4f2.jpg[img])[/img]
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14264188_10154438038338490_8662148740180988139_n.jpg?oh=b93160189d6319aec68ce552cdbdf454&oe=583A939A)
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14203315_10154432427913490_2194550218752560771_n.jpg?oh=3ba1239b4b13d75981e0a0ad6b20b7e7&oe=58395559)
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(http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/graphics/weddingdress3.jpg)
(http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/graphics/weddingdress2.jpg)
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DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling
around, and when I confronted him with the
evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I
didn't know he drank until one night he came
home sober.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months
later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They
said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early? WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
Forget it.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to
meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well,
my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Finally, the rabbi said "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
"Almost as good as bacon" would be an appropriate reply.
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Hey you AM complaining about AW being too heavy !!
Apparently there are many who are too skinny and have trouble gaining weight.
Oh wait . . . that was back in the 1930s - 1940s !!
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One of my Georgian friends posted this elsewhere
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14355190_1183945318346042_7097731218506711690_n.jpg?oh=d1d25da8281c3fb8c177968c1d2fb421&oe=5880BB34)
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Utah Cheerleaders Feel 'Body Shamed' After Male Classmate Complains That Their Skirts Led to 'Impure' Thoughts
Last week, when a male student at Timpview High School in Provo, Utah, complained to a school counselor that the uniforms worn by cheerleaders on game day were causing him to have “impure” thoughts in class, the conversation could have ended there. But it didn’t.
After the teen said that he was distracted by the cheerleaders’ skirts and his mother emailed an administrator, the school’s cheerleading coach was alerted about the concerns, and 44 girls on the Timpview Thunderbirds’ cheer squads were told not to wear their uniforms to school last Friday before the football game against the Alta Hawks.
Thought this belonged here, seems silly enough.
http://www.yahoo.com/style/utah-cheerleaders-feel-body-shamed-190453362.html
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Thought this belonged here, seems silly enough.
http://www.yahoo.com/style/utah-cheerleaders-feel-body-shamed-190453362.html
The girls can relax. Teenage boys have impure thoughts in a bus full of geriatric
nuns while riding down a bumpy road.
-
Jokes nothing below actually happened.
My exwife said "2tallbill you need to grow up!"
I was speechless.......................but then it's
hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.
At the Marriage counselor's office
Counselor to exwife: Why do you want to get a divorce?
Exwife: All his Star Wars crap drives me crazy!!
2tallbill: Divorce is strong in this one
Councelor: "Surely that's not all"
Exwife: He replaces words with animal names all the time!"
2tallbill: but not on porpoise
Councelor: What else did he do?
Exwife: I asked him to talk to the kids about drugs and he
told them if they fake a back injury they could probably get Vicodin.
Exwife: He coached the kids soccer team just so they would know that
he swears at other kids too. (as if I would coach soccer, I know more
about Goncharov polylogarithms and find it more interesting too)
Exwife: "And he neglects me, I asked him if he knows what neglect is?
and he said, Shhhh......... I'm playing a video game"
-
A little bit surprising: George Bush Senior said he will probably vote for Hillary.
Really surprising: He said this before Jeb dropped out of the race !
-
This has probably been here before, but . . .
-
DO I NEED A BIGGER BOX?
(http://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=f57f246ca2&view=fimg&th=1577b3ffa0da9330&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ-8UnIVSF205Kp2HCDYCkkS8DleuBZoFI9tdruCbDvPoyFcDBj5WbkHD8oy8yy_2GnNEf8Bk678I4ae4OZ4zIjR95VzZAxeQPQWyYW4bQw4dUAIsvOc5jq3qiI&sz=w720-h960&ats=1475271882745&rm=1577b3ffa0da9330&zw&atsh=1)
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This has probably been here before, but . . .
Monica was born on July 23, 1973, which makes her 43. She was 19 when Bill Clinton
was elected but I think she was a year or two older when she started giving him blowjobs.
(http://media.vanityfair.com/photos/53d7094fc980f8de611b5d22/master/h_590,c_limit/image.jpg)
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Monica was born on July 23, 1973, which makes her 43. She was 19 when Bill Clinton
was elected but I think she was a year or two older when she started giving him blowjobs.
I remember way back then that one of Monica's California friends stated that Monica told she was going to take her knee pads with her to DC.
Clearly she knew how to succeed in the world.
Quite shocking for a late teenager.
-
(http://www.usnews.com/dims4/USNEWS/8f0860a/2147483647/resize/1200x%3E/format/png/quality/85/?url=%2Fcmsmedia%2F2a%2F5e%2F5808086c40b0b5c94336ee18adc2%2F20160915edhoc-a.tif)
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He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’,
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I
could do it first”.
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14705650_1771271109780015_5094721127127971135_n.jpg?oh=41726680012154915dd44ce221be337c&oe=589CF518)
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(http://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14606471_10202568752175552_1034219822406067077_n.jpg?oh=6abf15747b1f3665c0cdc57c7c5b08e3&oe=58AA5E9E)
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(http://www.funnypica.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Funny-Cartoon-Pictures-3-570x641.jpg)
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11224166_1824880707599624_6732307390211585691_n.jpg?oh=7687a48b963b9549a9e3776cb988168b&oe=58A1F5D4)
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Ochka tells of Joke going around on FSU discussion sites.
Referring to the claim of some that war in Ukraine is basically between Russia and USA.
What is situation from Russian side: They have lost 100 tanks and a thousand soldiers.
What is situation from USA side: They failed to show up.
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Babushka dirty dancers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftmtXynz5sk
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WHAT IS THIS?
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/CxGms2NWEAAan6D.jpg)
It is the TV of an avid Clemson football fan, maybe too avid. He threw his remote when Pitt made a last second field goal and destroyed Clemson's dreams of a National Championship.
Any similar reports in Michigan and Washington?
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Nice for me over weekend as I have connections with U of Southern Cal, U of Iowa and U of Pittsburgh. All three upset winners.
But Clemson's dreams are not destroyed. All other major teams except Alabama also have 1 loss or more.
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Any similar reports in Michigan and Washington?
I figured I'd destroy my tv only if both Washington Huskies and Seattle Seahawks lost. I can report today tv is doing fine.
If Washington can win three in a row with two against tough teams, Washington State and possibly Colorado in the Pac 12 Conference game, they have a good chance to get into the playoffs since Conference champs are highly regarded when it comes to rankings.
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I figured I'd destroy my tv only if both Washington Huskies and Seattle Seahawks lost. I can report today tv is doing fine.
If Washington can win three in a row with two against tough teams, Washington State and possibly Colorado in the Pac 12 Conference game, they have a good chance to get into the playoffs since Conference champs are highly regarded when it comes to rankings.
Yeah, especially with that highly rated non-conference schedule they played. They're a shoo-in.
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Yeah, especially with that highly rated non-conference schedule they played. They're a shoo-in.
I'm thinking the Pac-12 might not have a team in with the Washington loss. Just a hunch. Seems they are a bit depleted and still have some heavy games? All 2 loss teams are out (most likely)
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My Badgers win out, they have an 84 percent chance of making the playoffs. Damn. I jinxed them.
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While two of the robbers take the money from the tellers, two others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?" The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you."
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(http://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14606471_10202568752175552_1034219822406067077_n.jpg?oh=6abf15747b1f3665c0cdc57c7c5b08e3&oe=58AA5E9E)
Thought I would say that I just love this! Did you do that Bill?
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With some of the debates on the Russia Ukraine subject going on lately, I thought it would be nice to introduce a little levity.
For those of you who don't know, SCTV was a famous Canadian comedy series starring John Candy, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Joe Flaherty, Dave Thomas, Catherine O'Hara and others.
This one is called, "What Fits in Russia?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXqKkYYALMU
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With some of the debates on the Russia Ukraine subject going on lately, I thought it would be nice to introduce a little levity.
For those of you who don't know, SCTV was a famous Canadian comedy series starring John Candy, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Joe Flaherty, Dave Thomas, Catherine O'Hara and others.
This one is called, "What Fits in Russia?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXqKkYYALMU
Giant Continent? Giant joke! It doesn't even cover up Ukraine, right Jay?
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There is credible evidence that people are being paid to organize and lead the protests against Trump.
When informed of this, Donald said:
"See . . . I am already creating jobs!"
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Some of you might find this video about Putin amusing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ya-FGHdBso
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I'm sure that some of you have seen this before.
http://youtu.be/hwmMOszUbKs
http://youtu.be/-PlKNubC0PI
The part 28 seconds in makes me laugh until tears fill my eyes
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http://i.imgur.com/6ueVt3I.gifv
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(http://1ifsww39ksbm13izno3q3b45.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/WP_dailysanctuary-com_2015_03_rare048-1.jpg)
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(http://1ifsww39ksbm13izno3q3b45.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/WP_dailysanctuary-com_2015_03_rare048-1.jpg)
A little history for you newer members...Those are the original forum members of RWD. That's Gator on the left holding the bear cub/baby sasquatch or whatever it is when he first started seeking a foreign bride.
Gator used to hike in from the trap lines and post his messages by carving them into the side of featured cabin with a hatchet...Yes sir, those were the days. :P
Brass
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You're mistaken Brass, that's actually Gators first foreign bride in his arms. Hairy Boris's sister hairy Bertha. :D
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I am the second from the left. While I am holding in my arms what Trump is recorded on Billy Bush's tape as grabbing, I long for the real thing.
We, the early pioneers of the RW MOB industry, sent this photo to women all across Russia in the early 1990s. I heard many RW like cats, so I wanted to show I am a cat lover, besides being the owner of a fine home, complete with a door knob.
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I've found something that I use quite frequently around Christmastime
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15589595_1284916181594256_6848391032145176161_n.jpg?oh=4e75606b7a03f6f60b4b92b7f6c208cd&oe=58DFA585)
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(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15590378_1284213644997843_6955023204122155217_n.jpg?oh=930599f368d3021b7ad466c4525a35f9&oe=58FC7C30)
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/52/5b/f1/525bf1c00eb694d6f3a6de0af43e15dd.jpg)
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http://youtu.be/20F-fCGzv_s
http://www.ourlighterside.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Car-jacking113-2.mp4
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http://www.ourlighterside.com/…/2016/09/Car-jacking113-2.mp4
Did you mean this? Your URL does not work, and is incomplete.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20F-fCGzv_s&hd=1
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When parking spaces are limited. Watch to the very end for surprise finish.
http://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8G2Mwid5GrCRzl4SkF1RFhQYTg/view?ts=580ca2fe
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A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was ran over by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?”
God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”
Read More: Butch’s B.S. – Unrecognized By God [JOKE] (http://thexfrontrange.com/unrecognized-by-god-joke/?trackback=tsmclip) | http://thexfrontrange.com/unrecognized-by-god-joke/?trackback=tsmclip(http://943loudwire.com/files/2012/09/Surgery.jpg)Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
Read More: Butch’s B.S. – Climbing a Tree [JOKE] (http://thexfrontrange.com/butchs-b-s-climbing-a-tree-joke/?trackback=tsmclip) | http://thexfrontrange.com/butchs-b-s-climbing-a-tree-joke/?trackback=tsmclip
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We watched last episode of "Odd Couple" last night (recorded from earlier date).
Oscar forces Felix into Internet Dating.
He meets first hot chick, and immediately starts her out with a 30 question survey.
She cuts out on him, of course.
So he hooks up with bar maid . . . Natasha no less!!
Later she brags that she gave him a Jacksonville Jiggler.
Ochka wanted to know what that was; but I didn't know.
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Later she brags that she gave him a Jacksonville Jiggler.
Ochka wanted to know what that was; but I didn't know.
Need a flexible woman. It is a counterpart to the Venus Butterfly (dating myself).
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Potential Marriage vows
For Women
I promise not to force you to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon.
I promise to root for ______ even though I could truly care less who wins.
I vow to love you even as you scan through all those movies without picking one to actually watch.
I can't wait to take your last name - I am going to totally steal your identity.
For Men
I promise to take out the garbage, even in the pouring rain or freezing cold.
It is at this moment as I gaze into your eyes I think... is it too late to elope?
You're my favorite deputy - I love you to infinity and beyond!
If you turn into a zombie or a vampire, I promise to let you bite me, so we can be undead together.
(http://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15978039_10154157817928309_4740459467510463240_n.jpg?oh=4f5a187c71650f78a9c2852329064c76&oe=58E38F9F)
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Need a flexible woman. It is a counterpart to the Venus Butterfly (dating myself).
Here you go - has her own jewelry-
Only $1500 on ebay [and she doesn't back talk]................
(http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/FTwAAOSwImRYMdWX/s-l1600.jpg)
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I don't remember which movie it was I saw where the term was used. IINM, I think it was 'Be Cool'.
From what I can remember, its' urbanspeak to describe a 'hooker' *jiggling your jag*.
Which then reminded of a Charles Barkley story.
Apparently one night, after doing a B-Ball telecast, he was driving back to his hotel, when he made an abrupt/wild U-turn. A police car immediately reacted and stopped his car. The cops approached his vehicle, and when they saw it was Charles Barkley, the cop asked him if he knew why they stopped him.
Charles: "Yeah, sure of course I know! The U-turn is illegal but I had no choice, officer!"
Cop: "No Choice? What do you mean?"
Charles: "I saw my favorite hooker across the street, and a car was fast approaching her so I had to beat him to her!"
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Some of you do not understand the term "Jacksonville Jigger." This will help.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jacksonville%20Jiggler
As I said, the act requires a woman with a flexible body, among other qualities.
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THIS YEAR'S TOP 10 COUNTRY SONGS
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body, But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass out All Day!
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Some of you do not understand the term "Jacksonville Jigger." This will help.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jacksonville%20Jiggler
As I said, the act requires a woman with a flexible body, among other qualities.
And I say, what is described is impossible.
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Not a Jacksonville Jiggler
http://i0.wp.com/cdn.uberhavoc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/2.gif?zoom=2.25&resize=431%2C352
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Sex Advisor
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During an International Association of Advance Medicine Summit, 4 top doctors from different countries convened in a room to discuss their latest achievements.
An Israeli doctor says, In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks he's out looking for work!"
The German doctor says, " That's nothing! In Germany, we take part of a man's brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is out looking for work!"
The Russian doctor grins, and says, "Gentlemen, we take a half a heart from one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is out looking for work."
Now the American doctor stands up and laughs. " You're all behind us! Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no liver and made him President. Now the entire country is out looking for work!"
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And I say, what is described is impossible.
Unless there are two ladies in the equation, I would have to agree with you.
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Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
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Okay. I don't remember where I heard this, and I'm not sure where to post it here either, but it's kind'a funny so I'll put it here...
Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".
The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.
And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.
Our world has gone bizarre.
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Okay. I don't remember where I heard this, and I'm not sure where to post it here either, but it's kind'a funny so I'll put it here...
Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".
The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.
And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.
Our world has gone bizarre.
Humourous? I think rather not. Symbolic of the decline of Western civilization? Inability to even acknowledge any differences between men and women (and it things) strikes me as a very serious social illness.
What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.
If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.
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I hate those little Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
(http://blog.step2love.com/wp-content/uploads/Matryoshka-Doll-symbol-of-Russian-brides-6.jpg)
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.
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Humourous? I think rather not. Symbolic of the decline of Western civilization? Inability to even acknowledge any differences between men and women (and it things) strikes me as a very serious social illness.
What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.
If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.
I concur. The insertion of 'humor' into these silly cases was more a slap of sarcasm on my part. These are so darn ridiculous I am left with just shaking me head and think...*Crazy. Absolute madness*
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Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".
The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/01/29/dont-call-pregnant-women-expectant-mothers-might-offend-transgender/ (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/01/29/dont-call-pregnant-women-expectant-mothers-might-offend-transgender/)
As you can see from the article - it's a kite flying exercise by some folks [ loonies ] from the British Medical Association and highly unlikely to be implemented aa it might offend 1 person in 70 million and would annoy far more ..
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...And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.
Our world has gone bizarre.
...What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.
If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.
I concur. The insertion of 'humor' into these silly cases was more a slap of sarcasm on my part. These are so darn ridiculous I am left with just shaking me head and think...*Crazy. Absolute madness*
Whilst I agree that this particular item doesn't fall under the banner of "humour," I think there may be another point to consider. If GQBlues has accurately quoted the Canadian example, it may well be not so much the gender that's in question as the term "birth parents" itself. With the number of people in the world who are actually adopted, or who live with (for example) grandparents or uncles/aunts rather than their actual birth parents (who may, again as an example, have been killed in an accident), then a more neutral term may make those children feel less uncomfortable.
Just saying...
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Whilst I agree that this particular item doesn't fall under the banner of "humour," I think there may be another point to consider. If GQBlues has accurately quoted the Canadian example, it may well be not so much the gender that's in question as the term "birth parents" itself. With the number of people in the world who are actually adopted, or who live with (for example) grandparents or uncles/aunts rather than their actual birth parents (who may, again as an example, have been killed in an accident), then a more neutral term may make those children feel less uncomfortable.
Just saying...
Actually no. From what I understood, the specific preference is 'birth parents'. To directly replace gender specification on 'birth parents'.
No other parental relations.
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Actually no. From what I understood, the specific preference is 'birth parents'. To directly replace gender specification on 'birth parents'.
No other parental relations.
I just refer to everyone as a carrot these days.
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I just refer to everyone as a carrot these days.
That's one way to try to keep sane! 😊
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CRUISE SHIP DIARY
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice ...
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Best joke I've read in ages... :thumbs up:
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(http://images.craigslist.org/00n0n_3fUouBURoJD_1200x900.jpg)
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
Good joke, but how is the photo relevant ;D?
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how is the photo relevant ?
Oh...call it an exercise in imagination.
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(http://images.craigslist.org/00n0n_3fUouBURoJD_1200x900.jpg)
Love those thighs. Can the be purchased on ebay ??
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Oh...call it an exercise in imagination.
Don't some guys Missus' 'object' to their partners imagination ? .. ;)
Her thighs are far too pale ...
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Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche
http://www.theonion.com/article/secret-service-adds-emotional-protection-division--55263
“All of our agents stand ready to lay down their lives to ensure nothing can hurt President Trump’s feelings.”
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Love those thighs. Can they be purchased on ebay ??
Yes .. ebay has entire amazing packages.
I think they're made in Hong Kong
(http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/M~kAAOSwU-pXtQCb/s-l1600.jpg)
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Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche
It would be hilarious except such is indeed occurring in the form of safe spaces at universities.
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Belated Valentine's Day card......?
(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/payn_c14866820170216120100.jpg)
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(http://i60.tinypic.com/1zyizwy.jpg)
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ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
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Regarding the above mentioned colonoscopy ...
1] You are not 'put to sleep' anymore...just made 'comfortable'.
2] No matter how many jokes the patient might crack...they still get the bill...a big one.
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Best Irish joke I've heard in a long time!!!!
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Surely, as an Irishman - that's a joke about Golfers ;) ?
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No wonder men are happier
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name does not change. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. If the gas station restroom is unsanitary, you use it and certainly don't drive to another gas station. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000 vs. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A seven-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have problems in public with straps. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. You need just one wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
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MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT MEN
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
RESTAURANTS
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $42.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no need for two people remembering the same thing!
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MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT MEN
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
Where do YOU store your underarm deodorant? :o And a flannel (facecloth or whatever else you like to call it) is actually quite handy, too. 8)
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Where do YOU store your underarm deodorant? :o And a flannel (facecloth or whatever else you like to call it) is actually quite handy, too. 8)
On the days you want deodorant, use the wife's. .
Flannel? A corner of the towel will suffice.
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(http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/women-drinking-wine-adult-joke-dirty.jpg)
(http://68.media.tumblr.com/3d04b47ee2be7d697275960082f31485/tumblr_nmpmmwef911s50vg8o1_1280.jpg)
(http://cdn1.lockerdome.com/uploads/6579026bcc693e2c86c7662034820dc9beb06142f943e4bb172bb9616efb5358_facebook)
(http://cdn1.lockerdome.com/uploads/afa38163cc501a4a606402c6eaee3efa82aa0408f36aaa1d9bd383a76acd71e0_facebook)
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/51/ae/0e/51ae0ebc22d5bb8cea7a31035b93ae77.jpg)
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Women wake up yawning in the morning and men wake up with
an erection. Coincidence? I think not!
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On the days you want think you really need deodorant, use the wife's. .
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It is amazing to see how your Russian wife's English will progressively improve while yours will become progressively worse.
:ROFL:
Especially if she had weak English skills when first meeting. Regression to the median.
Other factors:
- An age gap introduces the possibility of dementia.
- The wife says she needs you just as you are typing a post.
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(http://scontent-lax3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14238154_1777930655817990_2516678647817937321_n.jpg?oh=e371dd70434b7f7986925da2d25e30bd&oe=59642C10)
Could be any FSU Woman who is challenged by wet weather.
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For Woman's Day!
-
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered awhile before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were totally dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a very wise Vet," they said. "How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a far-away distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"
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:ROFL:
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Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
Hamish, a Scottish policeman was visiting a policeman's convention in New York.
A NYPD policeman asked Hamish, how would he disperse an angry crowd.
Hamish said, "generally we just pass around a hat and the crowd will disperse
on it's own."
At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing $20,000. He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of $200 to
the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give $250.'
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I believe this is an old one. If so, forgive me St. Patrick's Day.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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Beel, Phil
:ROFL:
GREAT
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While golfing, a senior accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course next to accident, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and then I’ll help you get the cart upright"
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
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From joke of the day to pinned tweet of the day:
(http://pics.onsizzle.com/anton-rubaclini-anton-rubaclini-i-live-in-constant-fear-that-16047656.png)
From joke of the day to pinned tweet of the day:
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*** Warning corny joke alert ***
Just skip over the jokes and you will be fine.
Photographic evidence that the River Dance was created in O'Malley's pub
in Cork Ireland while waiting for the loo.
(http://sev.h-cdn.co/assets/15/23/980x490/landscape-1433278374-157643539.jpg)
(http://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p370x247/17361731_983219075144420_2741912681036327755_n.jpg?oh=cdb44eba93d52ea7252845f104f923b9&oe=59677D6C)
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f7/6c/87/f76c87dfa4f30f3c41089ebf28e7265e.jpg)
(http://68.media.tumblr.com/b57688114bbe27d1aef3f96df87fbbb8/tumblr_nld43kP46C1qeablwo1_250.gif)
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In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
At the time these men were considered some of the most successful businessmen in the world. Do youknow what ultimately became of them? The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95 He was financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: Fuck work. Play golf.
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http://videos.videopress.com/YpRaDiVP/how-to-get-people-to-exercise_hd.mp4
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http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/tHvExOg4NI0?rel=0
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Cooper has an ice cream headache. But, I'm not sure that ole' Coop is around any more. As that vid is a couple of years old. Still good, though.
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Ryan's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:
The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!
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Don Rickles died at age 90
I called him Don Prickles because he was so snotty and offensive.
But all in fun I guess.
On this clip there is Bob Hope..Dean Martin..Neil Armstrong..Sugar Ray Robinson..Jack Benny..Milton Berle..Jimmy Stewart..Billy Graham..Ronald Reagan ..Telly Savalas ...Phillis Diller..Robert Stack and dozens more celebrities...many who are gone in this life....all roasted by the best :popcorn:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv4OMsTUptA
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Controlling Squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue had the best solution of all.
They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Controlling Squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
The Jewish synagogue had the best solution of all.
They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
That's funny! Thank you!
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Don Rickles died at age 90
I called him Don Prickles because he was so snotty and offensive.
But all in fun I guess.
On this clip there is Bob Hope..Dean Martin..Neil Armstrong..Sugar Ray Robinson..Jack Benny..Milton Berle..Jimmy Stewart..Billy Graham..Ronald Reagan ..Telly Savalas ...Phillis Diller..Robert Stack and dozens more celebrities...many who are gone in this life....all roasted by the best :popcorn:
That was great seeing all those celebrities again! That was back in the day when we had real celebrities not like the trash celebrities we have now. And people could joke and tease one another not offend. I heard Obama was put out and offended that Rickles said at a celebrity roast that he was just around to "clean up afterwards." Sounds like Rickles doesn't?
.
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, I'm running late and need to pick up Peter and Willie from school."
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Who here is she talking about ?
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(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C90dbCKWsAATMXI.jpg)
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Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
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A big Mother . . . . .
-
Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
OK, how the hell do we get up there?
-
Screw the big propellers, this muther's going to sink anyway, strewth :(. Time for our char, let's go lads ;).
-
Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway!
* Titanic was about to sink.
Passenger: How far are we from land?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: which direction?
Captain: Down
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Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
Well hell! I see the problem. Two of the props are missing a blade.
-
Probably went to the dentist. And were inspected for cavitation.
-
"First time ever putting propellers on the rear of an airplane. Let's see how fast this hog can fly."
-
Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
Where IS the 'Diagonal Steam Trap' ?
http://www.monologues.co.uk/Seafaring/Diagonal_Steam-Trap.htm (http://www.monologues.co.uk/Seafaring/Diagonal_Steam-Trap.htm)
THE DIAGONAL STEAM-TRAP
by
Crawford Howard (RIP)
"Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell to the Turks-
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.
Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says, "Let's see how she runs, lads!"
An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start!
So they pushed and they worked an' they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin' stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head.
But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the `Island'
And ten in the `aircraft' as well.
So he pushed and he worked and he muttered
Till he got himself through to the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts,
And then he looks up at the gaffer
An' says he `Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?'
Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the `hat'
And they whispered the one to the other
Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?'
But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like
To not knowin' what this was about,
So he says `Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!'
Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered
Away down to throw in his boord
And the Gaffer comes up and says `Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word.
Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?'
Now, oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off
He had made it all up for a gag
He'd seen what was stoppin' the engine -
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!
But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets
An' he says `Aye, I'll give yez a han'!
I'll knock yes one up in the mornin'
An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!'
So oul' Jim starts to work the next morning
To make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing
An' a steam gauge stuck up on the top,
An' he welds it all on to the engine
And he says to the wonderin' mob
As long as that gauge is at zero
The Steam Trap is doin' its job!'
Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe
An' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' bejasus! she goes like the clappers
An' oul' Jimmy remarks `That's her nye!'
Now the ship was the fastest seen ever
So they sent her away to the Turks
But they toul' them `That Steam Trap's a secret!
We're the only ones knows how it works!
But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested...
Them boys has their ears to the groun'!
So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap
And they got them all back to the Kremlin
An' they stood round to look at the snaps.
Then the head spy says `Mr Kosygin!
I'm damned if I see how that works!
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks!
When they found the Steam Trap was a `cod', like,
They couldn't admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin' Steam Traps like mad!
Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon
And he says `Youse'uns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap
Yez'll find that we've got yez all bate!'
Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went `harpic'
So he thought he'd give Harland's a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number
And of course he got sweet bugger all!
But at last the call came through to Jimmy
In the midst of a terrible hush,
`There's a call for you here, from the White House!'
Says oul' Jim, `That's a shop in Portrush!'
There's a factory outside of Seattle
Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it... Jimmy Dalzell!"
http://www.youtu.be/IxUXviafW94 (http://www.youtu.be/IxUXviafW94)
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Caption this...
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_0KdwyXkAA5jYw.jpg:large)
Crew we are propped.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3VLqLLWxbQ
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Screw the big propellers, this muther's going to sink anyway...
In navy jargon, ship's propellers are called screws.
I believe the ship pictured is the Brittania or maybe the Olympia in dry dock [after Titanic sank].
Anyway reminds me..
If you have a tattoo that's spelled 'Muther'...
You might be a redneck.
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I believe the ship pictured is the Brittania or maybe the Olympia in dry dock [after Titanic sank].
If you check the photo on - say - Google images - it states it is Titanic ... Yet, as you say ... http://www.nmjc.edu/assets/news/TitanicPhotos.pdf (http://www.nmjc.edu/assets/news/TitanicPhotos.pdf) says it's Olympic ?!
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In navy jargon, ship's propellers are called screws.
In Air Force jargon too, IINM.
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Just doing what it said
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http://www.app.com/story/sports/mlb/mets/2017/05/31/mets-hope-get-lift-inspirational-win-tuesday/358333001/
??? Mr Ball only has a 4 digit hand..so how can he extend a middle finger???
http://www.nj.com/mets/index.ssf/2017/05/mr_met_lights_up_the_internet_with_an_nsfw_move.html (http://www.upi.com/Sports_News/MLB/2017/05/31/New-York-Mets-dealing-with-matter-of-mascot-gesture/1181496288248/)
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(http://pics.me.me/guess-what-happens-after-youre-offended-nothing-thats-it-now-9021586.png)
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uOZCVc7aA94/VUT9-pYCRzI/AAAAAAAAkQ4/t8VeZSvSf14/s1600/Top-15-Funny-Adult-Humor-Jokes-Pictures-4.jpg)
(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2c/5c/65/2c5c657b7fedec7a5931ee2f988df21a.jpg)
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(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2c/5c/65/2c5c657b7fedec7a5931ee2f988df21a.jpg)
Ouch, that must have hurt !!!!
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Red_Riding_Hood
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(http://i.redditmedia.com/8846JJS9w_0iFirB4rsXxzdj2IyzkfHucYShb6K5ukE.jpg?w=480&s=36206dc4ccb5436f16849111b0dd8efd)
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A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So that's exactly what I did"
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A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."...
The value of inflation! The first time I saw this joke was an English version, with the car being a Bentley (complete with golf clubs in the boot) sold for just one pound. :ROFL:
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Muslin request . . . and Aussie reply
At Bondi beach, Muslims request BEACH BAN of "BIKINIS" DURING RAMADAN:
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Now that is funny
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(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/DETMFGaWsAAFHa5.jpg)
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A Canadian farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Saskatchewan so I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you…"
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Also REALLY funny ..Question is ..is this Beel's joke or yours ? ;)
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Also REALLY funny ..Question is ..is this Beel's joke or yours ? ;)
He told it first.
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I read your posting it - elsewhere - first ....))
I roared with laughter so much, that SC wanted me to explain the joke - that took 20 mins and kinda took the edge of the humour ....
So, thanks to ML and ( Beel) for the ( literally) sore sides.
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A Canadian farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Saskatchewan so I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you…"
Now that was a good joke. :)
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(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sk092817dAPC20170927104527.jpg)
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Asparagus is one of my most favorite foods; and we have a lot of it in our own garden. Takes 3 years from planting crowns to get full crops going, but man it is delicious and can be prepared with several different recipes.
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Asparagus is one of my most favorite foods; and we have a lot of it in our own garden. Takes 3 years from planting crowns to get full crops going, but man it is delicious and can be prepared with several different recipes.
'Spill' ......fancy trying something different this weekend ;)
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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!
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For Gator
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Got all I need
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A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy,Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,
and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"
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Cowboys Legend Drew Pearson Trolls Philadelphia Eagles Fans | 2017 NFL Draft
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGCA05Jdjqs
This was, and still is, the funniest thing I have ever seen. My Dad and I were laughing so hard during the 2017 NFL Draft when we watched this that we had trouble breathing. Pretty funny to watch an old man (My Dad) laugh himself silly! Pretty funny to see an old Cowboys' legend (Drew Pearson) troll the living shit out of Philadelphia fans!!
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Cowboys Legend Drew Pearson Trolls Philadelphia Eagles Fans | 2017 NFL Draft
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGCA05Jdjqs
This was, and still is, the funniest thing I have ever seen. My Dad and I were laughing so hard during the 2017 NFL Draft when we watched this that we had trouble breathing. Pretty funny to watch an old man (My Dad) laugh himself silly! Pretty funny to see an old Cowboys' legend (Drew Pearson) troll the living shit out of Philadelphia fans!!
Sorry, but I didn't get the humor at all from his talk.
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A Rack and Iraq.
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Sorry, but I didn't get the humor at all from his talk.
This was for last years draft, which they held in (first joke)
the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia home of the Eagles.
He is a famous Dallas Cowboys receiver and they play in the
same division as the Eagles. The two teams are fierce rivals.
The Eagles fans are pretty famous for booing and making jibes
at the Cowboys.
So the famous receiver rubbed in the fact that the Cowboys
have been significantly more successful than the Eagles
in the Superbowl era, Cowboys winning 5 superbowl rings
and the Eagles have won far less.
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This was for last years draft, which they held in (first joke)
the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia home of the Eagles.
He is a famous Dallas Cowboys receiver and they play in the
same division as the Eagles. The two teams are fierce rivals.
The Eagles fans are pretty famous for booing and making jibes
at the Cowboys.
So the famous receiver rubbed in the fact that the Cowboys
have been significantly more successful than the Eagles
in the Superbowl era, Cowboys winning 5 superbowl rings
and the Eagles have won far less.
As an avid Eagles fan and Cowgirls hater, I couldn't care less about this fool.
Focus on beating us next weekend. Good luck with that. If we play our usual game, we will stuff your girls asses despite all our injuries. :D :P
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As an avid Eagles fan and Cowgirls hater, I couldn't care less about this fool.
Focus on beating us next weekend. Good luck with that. If we play our usual
game, we will stuff your girls asses despite all our injuries. :D :P
Our All Pro left tackle Tyron Smith is injured, our All Pro Running back
who lead the NFL in Rushing last year is suspended, our All Pro linebacker
Sean Lee is injured. Our pro bowl kicker Dan Bailey who is only the most
accurate kicker in NFL history is injured. Dez Bryant our number one wide
receiver is injured, Malik Collins our DT is injured.
I would really be surprised if my Cowboys don't get killed. If Tyron Smith
is out, I wouldn't even start QB Dak Prescott. ONE Atlanta defensive player
got 6 sacks on Sunday. That's more than Reggie White on his best day.
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Our All Pro left tackle Tyron Smith is injured, our All Pro Running back
who lead the NFL in Rushing last year is suspended, our All Pro linebacker
Sean Lee is injured. Our pro bowl kicker Dan Bailey who is only the most
accurate kicker in NFL history is injured. Dez Bryant our number one wide
receiver is injured, Malik Collins our DT is injured.
I would really be surprised if my Cowboys don't get killed. If Tyron Smith
is out, I wouldn't even start QB Dak Prescott. ONE Atlanta defensive player
got 6 sacks on Sunday. That's more than Reggie White on his best day.
Come on Bill....wait till the game is over before trotting out the excuses. Anything can happen on Sunday.
We lost our first ballot HOF LT Jason Peters for the season.
We lost our starting MLB, Jordan Hicks, who is just as good as Sean Lee and just as often injured for the season. BTW, Cowgirls can thank Hicks for hastening the end of Romo era with broken clavicle. :P
We lost our #1 corner in the first game and he is returning this weekend.
We haven't missed the beat yet. Injuries happen to every team.
Not starting Prescott is the ultimate slap in the face to the rest of the team. I just wonder why the coaching staff didn't give that stiff tackle more help. I am hoping they play him again and we can switch Fletcher Cox over to LDE for the game. It will be fun. ;D
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Come on Bill....wait till the game is over before trotting out the excuses. Anything can happen on Sunday.
We lost our first ballot HOF LT Jason Peters for the season.
We lost our starting MLB, Jordan Hicks, who is just as good as Sean Lee and just as often injured for the season. BTW, Cowgirls can thank Hicks for hastening the end of Romo era with broken clavicle. :P
We lost our #1 corner in the first game and he is returning this weekend.
We haven't missed the beat yet. Injuries happen to every team.
Not starting Prescott is the ultimate slap in the face to the rest of the team. I just wonder why the coaching staff didn't give that stiff tackle more help. I am hoping they play him again and we can switch Fletcher Cox over to LDE for the game. It will be fun. ;D
This is probably the wrong thread for a football debate, but there are two
outside linebackers and inside linebackers that are all pro each year and
Jordan Hicks was never selected. Hicks is a good player for sure but Sean
Lee has been a better player by any measurable standard. For Sundays
game however, they are the same.
The Cowboys will start Prescott, they don't check with me for my
recommendations on who to start and who to sit. I do like our
back up Cooper Rush.
Udachi!
Bill
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Actual footage of me getting through life before I
found Angel Eyes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrmVGtHfFqw
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This is the funniest routine I've seen in quite a while.
http://youtu.be/paG1-lPtIXA
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This is the funniest routine I've seen in quite a while.
http://youtu.be/paG1-lPtIXA
Can't agree, as he relies too much on the F word.
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Can't agree, as he relies too much on the F word.
True but the picture he paints is a stitch.
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Claustrophobia
claus·tro·pho·bi·a: Fear of close places.
I must have this because I am making a trip to the
liquor store, and I am afraid it might be closed.
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OSHA violations
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OSHA violations
Yeah, the guy on the bottom is not wearing hearing protection. Those skillsaws are noisy.
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This has been circulating for several years, but I still get a chuckle re-reading when someone sends it to me.
- - - - - - - - - - -
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.
One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???
As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.
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:ROFL:
http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/
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:ROFL:
http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/
Utterly brilliant ! This guy's probably a dating coach .. ;)
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This has been an interesting few days for Russians - two videos went viral - resulting in sackings in one case and disciplinary action to the Air Cadets - rescinded after an outcry from t'other
the first - from an Air Cadet college in Ulyanovsk - also in s. Russia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjreThPJETg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjreThPJETg)
It spawned loads of copycat videos ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qctQTcm-ThI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qctQTcm-ThI)
With even Russian striptese artistes and women biathlon teams joining in ))
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/world-news/676606/Russian-air-cadets-strippers-support-viral-trend-raunchy-pilots-Benny-Benussi-video (http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/world-news/676606/Russian-air-cadets-strippers-support-viral-trend-raunchy-pilots-Benny-Benussi-video)
The second is from the Ministry of Forestry in Orenburg - southern Russia - a tongue in cheek video on how to attract foreign visitors ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhAXQLMixvQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhAXQLMixvQ)
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Think about it ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk9I1mVW1lY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk9I1mVW1lY)
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Before I married, my parents were always after me to get married.
But my mother was never happy with the women I brought home.
Too short, too tall, to heavy, too skinny, too loud, too quiet, etc., etc.
Finally I brought home a woman who looked and acted exactly like my mother.
My father objected to her.
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This gal is from Siberia,
I don't know if she is super talented
or if she's totally lost her mind!
It's gotta be a combination of both.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oecQDr9B6KU
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Quite a performance. The instrument she's playing (vargan) is also used elsewhere in folk music as changu in India, kubing in the Philippines, khomus in Turkey. A musician playing it appears in a Chinese drawing of IV century BC.
It is well-known in Italy as scacciapensieri ("dispeller of worries"), more specifically marranzanu in Sicily, malarruni in Calabria, trunfa in Sardinia.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/it/thumb/9/99/Scacciapensieri.jpg/220px-Scacciapensieri.jpg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q94lnpHI0BM&hd=1
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Quite a performance. The instrument she's playing (vargan) is also used elsewhere in folk music as changu in India, kubing in the Philippines, khomus in Turkey. A musician playing it appears in a Chinese drawing of IV century BC.
It is well-known in Italy as scacciapensieri ("dispeller of worries"), more specifically marranzanu in Sicily, malarruni in Calabria, trunfa in Sardinia.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/it/thumb/9/99/Scacciapensieri.jpg/220px-Scacciapensieri.jpg)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q94lnpHI0BM&hd=1
In the US, for unknown reasons (and I'm not sure if this has any racial overtones) it is called a Jew's Harp.
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On the same line of thought: I'll bet that gal will need serious dental reconstruction as she ages. Those instruments create heavy vibration in your mouth and teeth.
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More history:
History of the name "Jew's Harp"
Very little early history is available.
The Jew's harp is known world-wide by many different names, depending on the country of origin.
Some examples are:
England - Gewgaw
Germany - Maultrommel (which means mouth drum)
Japan - Koukin
Russia - Vargan
Siberia - Khomus
Philippines - Kumbing and kubing
Italy - Scacciapensieri
Norway - munnharpa or munnharpe
France - guimbarde
Bali - genggong
Musicologist Phons Bakx of the Netherlands has compiled the nomenclature
of over thousand names for the Jew's harp from all over the world.
See: http://www.antropodium.nl/Duizend Namen Mhp.htm
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I've always known it as a mouth harp.
-
Apart from the Jew's appellation - whatever its reason - it is also curious that the English-speaking world should call harp a musical instrument with no strings at all ;D.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNAy602CdYY
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Farting Passenger Forces Plane To Make Emergency Landing
A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam had to make an emergency landing in Vienna after a fight broke out because one of the passengers wouldn’t stop breaking wind.
The fart-induced fracas happened Feb. 11 aboard Transavia Airlines Flight HV6902 when two men sitting next to an apparently very flatulent man raised a stink about his repeated gas attacks, according to Fox News.
When the alleged perpetrator didn’t stop, his disgusted seatmates reportedly complained to the airline crew, who apparently did nothing.
http://www.yahoo.com/news/farting-passenger-forces-plane-emergency-185237663.html
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When the alleged perpetrator didn’t stop, his disgusted seatmates reportedly complained to the airline crew, who apparently did nothing.
Airlines have - or used to have - ear plugs for passengers, but I am not sure they ever had bum plugs as well ;D.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNAy602CdYY
Now THAT was funny
-
Farting Passenger Forces Plane To Make Emergency Landing
http://www.yahoo.com/news/farting-passenger-forces-plane-emergency-185237663.html (http://www.yahoo.com/news/farting-passenger-forces-plane-emergency-185237663.html)
Flying has become a scary en-devour...
An “unruly” airline passenger with a God complex had to be restrained by other travelers when she tried to open the cabin door while the plane was mid-flight, officials said.
“I am God! I am God! I am God!” the woman shouted aboard the SkyWest Airlines flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho, on Monday, moments after she attempted to open the door, CBS News reported. (http://www.cbsnews.com/news/flight-scare-woman-tries-opening-door-united-express-flight-5449-today-2018-03-05/)
http://nypost.com/2018/03/06/plane-passengers-restrain-traveler-from-hell-claiming-to-be-god/
Also from the post...
Mother claims she was kicked off flight because her baby spit up (http://nypost.com/2018/03/06/mother-claims-she-was-kicked-off-flight-because-her-baby-spit-up/)Naked passenger watched porn, attacked crew during flight (http://nypost.com/2018/03/05/naked-passenger-watched-porn-attacked-crew-during-flight/)Crazed passenger allegedly attacks woman, calls baby a 'little slut (http://nypost.com/2018/03/01/crazed-passenger-allegedly-attacks-woman-calls-baby-a-little-slut/)Unruly passenger tries to fight airport workers on tarmac (http://nypost.com/2018/02/28/unruly-passenger-tries-to-fight-airport-workers-on-tarmac/)
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Be Careful what you buy on eBAY
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend, from Florida, spent $95. plus postage on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said "Do not use in direct sunlight"
-
(http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/-ogAAOSwKXdaUVXs/s-l1600.jpg)
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A real live Russian brown bear, with big claws, opens a soccer game in Russia. The ref takes the soccer ball from the bear's very big claws. Brave ref.
http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/trained-bear-opened-russian-soccer-game-not-180629169.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=88&v=QJ5dILhLvXs
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(http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/188234-How-Did-You-Hear-About-The-Ymca.jpg)
-
Talk show host: How many erotic areas are there on a woman's body to be kissed? Let's ask the men sitting in first row.
First man: 3
Frenchman in back yells out: 9
Second man in first row: 2
Frenchman yells out again: 9
Third man in first row: 4
Frenchman repeats: 9
Host: OK, now let's ask some women same question.
First woman: 1
Host: And where is that?
Woman: My mouth.
Frenchman yells out: OK, 10.
-
are you sure he wasn't German and saying no, nein?
-
are you sure he wasn't German and saying no, nein?
Und schließlich zehn.
-
vielleicht langsam bis zehn
-
Heard a comedian give spiel about his sex with an airline stewardess.
Don't remember all of it, but two funnies . . .
She: The back door will be closed at all times.
She: Do not attempt to exit until we have come to a complete stop.
-
Continuing on the aircraft theme
ML reminded me of a Quantas pilot / maintenance staff 'Gripe sheet' and some excerpts from same :
http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_qantas.htm (http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_qantas.htm)
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(http://api.theweek.com/sites/default/files/81_213835.jpg?resize=807x807)
-
(http://api.theweek.com/sites/default/files/sbr081018dapr.jpg?resize=807x807)
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A 72 yr old man was sitting at the end of the bar having a gin and tonic when in walks this really gorgeous 19 yr old blonde.
She sees him eyeing her and goes over and tells him "I notice that you are interested in me. I'll do anything you like...anything that you could possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it might be. I'm willing for $300 plus another condition."
Surprised, the old man asks "What is the other condition?"
She tells him that he must state his request in only three words.
After a moment in thought, the old guy says OK, takes out his wallet, peels off six- fifty dollar bills and lays them down on the bar.
So the girl says "what would you like me to do?"
And the old man replies..."paint my house".
-
Talk show host: How many erotic areas are there on a woman's body to be kissed? Let's ask the men sitting in first row.
First man: 3
Frenchman in back yells out: 9
Second man in first row: 2
Frenchman yells out again: 9
Third man in first row: 4
Frenchman repeats: 9
Host: OK, now let's ask some women the same question.
First woman: 1
Host: And where is that?
Woman: My mouth.
Frenchman yells out: OK, 10.
-
Went to airport this morning to pick up a friend.
As he came into luggage area, he said: "Well I finally joined the Mile High Club . . . Solo Division."
Not exactly sure what that was, but I didn't shake his hand.
-
Nike executives and shareholders alike were diagnosed to have succumb to Colin cancer.
-
If ever proof was necessary that someone's idea of 'humour' being absent ...
The REAL humoUr is laughing at those 'outraged'..
http://www.thefader.com/2018/09/04/colin-kaepernick-nike-just-do-it-campaign-tweets (http://www.thefader.com/2018/09/04/colin-kaepernick-nike-just-do-it-campaign-tweets)
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(http://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40911476_2033390206778717_107225516402016256_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=67298f41ef6ec018a8837509e9482f0a&oe=5C2A7AE6)
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(http://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40911476_2033390206778717_107225516402016256_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=67298f41ef6ec018a8837509e9482f0a&oe=5C2A7AE6)
Ouch.
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Supply your own tag line for this one.
Mine---- Camping tent for the affluent exhibitionist
(http://i.redd.it/0m9qip9nqhl11.jpg)
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Never proposition a statue!
(http://i.imgur.com/h3hG9QC.jpg)
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Supply your own tag line for this one.
Mine---- Camping tent for the affluent voyeur
Voyeur is one who likes to observe others; not one who likes to be observed.
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Voyeur is one who likes to observe others; not one who likes to be observed.
Hi ML...glad you are knowledgeable about those things (http://www.jfkassassinationforum.com/Smileys/DarkB/cheesy.gif) fixed it
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Tonight's Psychic Convention has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
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While installing a new door, the man noticed one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife if she would go to hardware store to pick one up. She said she would.
While waiting for the Manager to finish serving another customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets - one for the sink and one for the bath tub.
When the Manager was ready to help the wife, she asked, "How much are those faucets?"
The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive! $5,000 each! "
The wife exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive – certainly out of my price range! "
She then proceeded to describe the hinge the husband had sent her to buy.
The Manager said he had them in stock and their price was $3.49. He went to the backroom to get them.
From the backroom, the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
She shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."
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12 year old girl comes home and tells here mother that they viewed film of woman giving birth during sex ed class.
She said: "I don't ever want something the size of a watermelon coming out of my body ! "
Mother replied: "Then don't put something the size of a pickle into your body."
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A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that
stated Dr. Bumbutu, in Africa, could enlarge your breasts
without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see
if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower,
rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want
bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and
to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a
panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't
recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle
aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked
'Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
Yes I am. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'..
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The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
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On a cross country flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he then says to his co-pilot, "What would feel good right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
Everybody on board hears it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, an elderly lady passenger stops her and says...........
"Don't forget the coffee!"
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On a cross country flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he then says to his co-pilot, "What would feel good right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
Everybody on board hears it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, an elderly lady passenger stops her and says...........
"Don't forget the coffee!"
Good one ! I have already sent out to my email list.
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"Don't forget the coffee!"
http://youtu.be/6WAylnO5gtA
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One night this guy was so drunk...
When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off his coat, shoes, shirt, pants and underwear. He crept upstairs very quietly and it was only when he got to the top of the stairs that he realized he was on the bus.
************************************************************
One week after the farmer bought this bull...
He complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, the farmer is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
****************************************************
His wife was standing naked in front of the mirror.... "Look at me," she said. "I'm old and fat. Cheer me up by paying me a compliment."
He said: "Your eyesight is perfect.
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http://youtu.be/k_GEuugGJiI
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That's cute!
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(Turkey have an amazing tolerance for their stray animals (cats/dogs), both from the citizens and the government. Public officials show up in trucks to feed the animals everyday. They spay/neuter/treat, then release to live the rest of their lives. Dogs/cats happily roam around wherever and whenever they want.)
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@ 0:21...That's Bride of Frankenstein right?
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(http://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/44132194_2258153931085559_8589813740210225152_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fapa1-2.fna&oh=58df7eeba10719884f72016135962040&oe=5C4AB0EE)
You can say what you want about the Brits, they pass out the most participation
trophy medals sashes and ribbons.
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India and Pakistan once again have won the award of silly walks
(http://allthatsinteresting.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/silly-uniforms-india-pakistan.jpg)
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You can say what you want about the Brits, they pass out the most participation
trophy medals sashes and ribbons.
'Sure' they do ...
Never been to watch a May 9th remembrance day in Russia ? ;)
(http://secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03206/Valentin-Gavrilov_3206914b.jpg)
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'Sure' they do ...
Never been to watch a May 9th remembrance day in Russia ? ;)
(http://secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03206/Valentin-Gavrilov_3206914b.jpg)
No but I've seen plenty of photos.
Find just one Russian if you can who has more than three adornments on his uniform
given to him by his Grandmum or two decorations worn simultaneously for the same
thing. In the USA for example you might have a ribbon and a medal but you would
never put both of them on at the same time.
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(http://cs11.pikabu.ru/post_img/2018/08/20/10/1534787007143017423.jpg)
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:applause: :cheesy:
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Good one Lily !!
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Good to hear from you Sandro and ML :-*
At times I think it would be great to devote a thread to differences in perception of humorous things in the FSU, and the English speakers.
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Good to hear from you Sandro and ML :-*
At times I think it would be great to devote a thread to differences in perception of humorous things in the FSU, and the English speakers.
Lily, not to be disrespectful, but I found it rather surprising how FSU folks really enjoy 'slapstick' comedy like existed in USA back in 1920s, 1930s, etc. It is really very, very low level stuff.
Surprising because the FSU folks otherwise think they are superior to western folks with regard to intelligence, culture, etc., yet they belly laugh over kid type of slap stick comedy.
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Lily, not to be disrespectful, but I found it rather surprising how FSU folks really enjoy 'slapstick' comedy like existed in USA back in 1920s, 1930s, etc. It is really very, very low level stuff.
Surprising because the FSU folks otherwise think they are superior to western folks with regard to intelligence, culture, etc., yet they belly laugh over kid type of slap stick comedy.
May be you could post a video of a 'slapstick' comedy that you mean?
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May be you could post a video of a 'slapstick' comedy that you mean?
I don't know how to do that.
But just think Laurel and Hardy, Buster Keaton; that type of stuff.
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If by 'slapstick' comedy we mean the ones based on deliberately clumsy actions and humorously embarrassing events (googled definition), then I have yet to see a FSU person who would really enjoy them.
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If by 'slapstick' comedy we mean the ones based on deliberately clumsy actions and humorously embarrassing events (googled definition), then I have yet to see a FSU person who would really enjoy them.
I have been on airplane loaded with Russians and they were falling into aisles laughing at this very stuff.
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my favorite Soviet comedy
Operation 'Y' & Other Shurik's Adventures
Operatsiya 'Y' i drugie priklyucheniya Shurika
I'm a huge fan of the lead actor
I had 3.5 years of being a devoted Soviet Kino fan
would even take my kids to the Russian theater and ballet on weekends
"Krassni Sapatchka" kinda stuff
I met my wife's grandfather only once before he died
he was liberated from a German labor camp in Germany with a lot of other Russians, Poles, etc in 1945
he told me Charley Chaplin was a genius
the silent film era produced its own unique experimental styles like Chaplin and Keaton
that were purely visual with not a word of dialog
this allowed it to transcend cultures
this ended up being the West's door into Russia in the 1980s and 1990s with shows like Dallas, Dynasty, etc
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If by 'slapstick' comedy we mean the ones based on deliberately clumsy actions and humorously embarrassing events (googled definition), then I have yet to see a FSU person who would really enjoy them.
Some examples,
Gaidai films. Yuri Nikulin was a clown but also acted in film. Circuses seem to be more popular in Russia. My all-time favorite theater production is Slava's Snow Show - a must see!
French and Italian comedies tend to contain more physical humor. I got into Pierre Richard films via Russian links. It seems the golden age was the 1970s. American humor tends to be more crude.
For some reason cross-dressing males seem to be funnier in the FSU. Some examples are Verka Serduchka and sometimes guys in Oralskaya Pelmeni dress as women.
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Some examples,
Gaidai films. Yuri Nikulin was a clown but also acted in film. Circuses seem to be more popular in Russia. My all-time favorite theater production is Slava's Snow Show - a must see!
French and Italian comedies tend to contain more physical humor. I got into Pierre Richard films via Russian links. It seems the golden age was the 1970s. American humor tends to be more crude.
For some reason cross-dressing males seem to be funnier in the FSU. Some examples are Verka Serduchka and sometimes guys in Oralskaya Pelmeni dress as women.
Would any of the French and Italian comedies be allowed on American and UK TV today? John Cleese has said that much of what Monty Python did wouldn't be allowed on TV today. The same would be even truer for Benny Hill and several other English comedies of the 70s such as the 'Doctor at Large' series.
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Would any of the French and Italian comedies be allowed on American and UK TV today? John Cleese has said that much of what Monty Python did wouldn't be allowed on TV today. The same would be even truer for Benny Hill and several other English comedies of the 70s such as the 'Doctor at Large' series.
The Italian sex comedies of the 70s wouldn't but Pierre Richard films are fairly inoffensive by modern day PC standards.
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At times I think it would be great to devote a thread to differences in perception of humorous things in the FSU, and the English speakers.
Humour spans a very large territory, from the mentioned Chaplin & Keaton (add Harold Lloyd), perforce silent because of their period, later to the more vocal/physical up to the almost only vocal - think of stand-up comedians.
National tastes vary in their preferences across the gamut, period and social audience ;). For instance in the late 60s-70s we had a spate of what were called B-comedies, a mixture of some slapstick with improbable titles featuring scantily-clad actresses - as someone mentioned below - very popular as a reaction to the oppressive Catholic morality, like "The Military District Doctor":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LfmUtEIzXM
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On the other hand, the "Commedia all'italiana" of the same period included some still enjoyable films by great directors with famous actors - to mention only a few:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im9riQeM-9I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYQrJkuMDKU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBCfdAGs0Wg
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May be you could post a video of a 'slapstick' comedy that you mean?
My all time favorites. YouTube has several of their full episodes ..........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaH9OUQysWQ
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I am having a really bad day.
Buttoned my shirt . . . and a button fell off.
Picked up my briefcase . . . and handle fell off.
Opened the door . . . and door knob fell off.
Now I am afraid to pee.
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I am having a really bad day.
Buttoned my shirt . . . and a button fell off.
Picked up my briefcase . . . and handle fell off.
Opened the door . . . and door knob fell off.
Now I am afraid to pee.
You’ve already had one knob fall off. No matter if another does. I hear Monster glue works wonders.
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Merry Christmas Eve!
(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=198700&d=1486545823)
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Merry Christmas Eve!
(http://plastic-surgeon.ru/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=198700&d=1486545823)
Merry Christmas Lily ! -- & to all
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Merry Christmas everyone. Best wishes for 2019.
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If by 'slapstick' comedy we mean the ones based on deliberately clumsy actions and humorously embarrassing events (googled definition), then I have yet to see a FSU person who would really enjoy them.
Benny Hill?
Mr Bean ?
Merry Christmas, all
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~ A note received in an email ~
- The IRS has returned my tax return to me this year after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", I wrote: 9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington!
The IRS stated the answer I gave was *unacceptable*. I then wrote back, "who did I leave out?"
Currently waiting on a response...
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It shouldn't, but I still find this funny...
http://youtu.be/HHlOSakk0w4
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A wife complains to her retired husband that he never helps around the house. He answers that he does so much that she does not notice, such as cleaning the floor when she is gone. Doubting his words, she grabs the vacuum cleaner and says, "Show me how you clean!" So he does, but first he has to start the vacuum cleaner.
http://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4 (http://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4)
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(http://pics.me.me/ive-slept-with-a-omg-how-many-is-brazilian-a-5140823.png)
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Things that men notice.
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(http://pics.me.me/ive-slept-with-a-omg-how-many-is-brazilian-a-5140823.png)
I like it; thanks Big Bill.
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it just took us a while to find another pilot.”
*******************************************************************
A recent survey of men showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.
*************************************************************
Two Orthodox Jews went to Markus Pincus the tailor, for new suits. “Listen, Markus,” one said, “the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.”
“See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. “This is the stuff they make nuns’ habits from. There just simply isn't a blacker cloth.” After a few minutes of haggling, Markus was able to convince the two Rabbis that this was indeed black cloth and they negotiated a price.
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. He muttered something to his friend and they both walked off, much to the shock of the two nuns.
“What did that man want?” one nun asked the other.
“It was very strange,” she replied, “he looked at my garment, whispered something in Latin and left.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Markus Pincus Fucktus’.”
***************************************************************************
After striking it rich in a Yukon gold mine lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
“I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!”
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
“How did you know I wanted you to get into that position"asked the miner.
“I didn’t,” replied the hooker, but I just thought you might want to open up those beers."
******************************************************************
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I really liked the first two. Short and simple.
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Most of you have probably seen the humor asking what is the advantage of helicopters over fixed wing aircraft with the answer being the 'lifting' benefit.
We are going to birthday party tomorrow for person involved with aeronautics and I want to pass that picture joke around.
Did a search and couldn't find on Internet, but others can often find things that I can't find.
Can anyone help ???
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(http://previews.123rf.com/images/bronipoezd/bronipoezd1510/bronipoezd151000108/47413694-cartoon-girl-with-her-skirt-billowing-in-the-wind-is-about-the-helicopter.jpg)
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OK, thanks for that. The one I had seen a couple of times before features a real woman and her bare bottom as she is climbing into a helicopter.
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Most of you have probably seen the humor asking what is the advantage of helicopters over fixed wing aircraft with the answer being the 'lifting' benefit.
We are going to birthday party tomorrow for person involved with aeronautics and I want to pass that picture joke around.
Did a search and couldn't find on Internet, but others can often find things that I can't find.
Can anyone help ???
There is a skirt lifting helicopter photo of the Baroness of Carrickfergus in Ireland*
who seems to be powerless to stop the effect that blows up the internet from time
to time.
http://www.2oceansvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/2w985c0.bild_.jpg
http://cdn.24.co.za/files/Cms/General/d/1403/f8873d615895477e8d9e4ccaa169fda8.jpg
*Moby will be physically unable to refrain from commenting on this.
1. It's got a royal
2. Ireland's name was invoked
3. He must correct me on something even if he's wrong.
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There is a skirt lifting helicopter photo of the Baroness of Carrickfergus in Ireland*
who seems to be powerless to stop the effect that blows up the internet from time
to time.
http://www.2oceansvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/2w985c0.bild_.jpg
http://cdn.24.co.za/files/Cms/General/d/1403/f8873d615895477e8d9e4ccaa169fda8.jpg
*Moby will be physically unable to refrain from commenting on this.
1. It's got a royal
2. Ireland's name was invoked
3. He must correct me on something even if he's wrong.
Good one, Beel
1/ Carrickfergus is on the island of Ireland, but in N.Ireland - which is - last time I checked part of the UK
2/ For those of you not familiar...that's Kate..AKA The Duchess of Cambridge and Wife of Prince William..
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My neighbour has a helicopter in his garden , uses it to commute . The stench of aviation fuel on take off. Yuck. His wife wears jeans all the time .
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(http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/funny-picturepiligrim-sexy-talk.jpg)
2tallbills Life hack # 162
ALWAYS PUT THE CHOCOLATE ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
(http://i.pinimg.com/736x/67/87/15/678715ca5bc6f889103c2ce5707188c2--sexy-kitchen-kitchen-photos.jpg)
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Too lazy to build a snowman
2tallbills hacks # 211 and 212
(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/16/2d/7c/162d7c697e02d0adba3989f1a6b2ba33.jpg)
(http://pics.me.me/when-youre-too-lazy-to-build-a-snowman-me-irl-41093044.png)
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My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My family hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a blender
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Oldie but goodie. Worth a re-run.
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in the patch smashing the weeds to pieces.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life...better still;
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!... she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussy willows!"
Fred screams back... "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!"
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Nice shot!
(http://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/b4f2d3a826b65f39acdeb892b4cf2fd98efa86b2/0_0_2347_2933/master/2347.jpg?width=620&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=94fae744c579c8967da1226db4969b01)
AFLW player Tayla Harris...quite 'athletic' huh?
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I missed the 'humour'....
I sometimes wonder if the despaeados who take upskirt and such shots ...or those that repost them have daughters.....or lives
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I missed the 'humour'....I sometimes wonder if the despaeados who take upskirt and such shots ...or those that repost them have daughters.....or lives
You missed the humor? So? Anyway, I was wondering..what is a "despaeados". I did look it up and couldn't find it.
Regarding re-posting...the picture has been re-posted millions of times by living people. Most likely..many of them have daughters.
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Anyway, I was wondering..what is a "despaeados".
It's probably desperados, a simplification of desesperados (desperate men).
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It's probably desperados....
I know. I just wanted to shine him on...a failure to apply spell check.
A woman tells her husband that women are better at multi-tasking than men. He told her to just sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do either one.
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How to speak Irish...Take these words--Whale..oil..beef..hooked. And then say them all together --Whaleoilbeefhooked
There you go.
Doctor...."Your recovery was a miracle!"
Patient..."Well then I shouldn't have to pay you."
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
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Soup of the day
Vodka with water croutons
(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/8c/1c/0f/8c1c0f18a8f0ec7c4c1a723320fa8c20.jpg)
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I apologize if this may be old.
OLD GUYS
The banker saw his old friend Tom, a near eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife two years ago, and rumor had it that he was marrying a Ukrainian 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom about the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by a nearly eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy without marital stress, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one right away.
A few months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife ' asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
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Never knew you were a rancher, Gator!
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Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by a nearly eighty-year-old man.
A good joke.
However, there is a myth embedded.
Many young women (and women of all ages) don't have a large or even small appetite for sex.
As to 80 year old men . . . not too sure as I haven't tried any of them.
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It's probably desperados, a simplification of desesperados (desperate men).
Desperate sados..
They often use safety in numbers as an 'excuse'...
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I apologize if this may be old..............................................
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by a nearly eighty-year-old man.
Might be OK if he removes his dentures :rolleyes:
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(http://whatsappbin.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Funny-Pics-Kid-sucking-breast.jpg)
(http://i.redd.it/emdg86fac68z.png)
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Might be OK if he removes his dentures
No, dentures do not interfere for the man.
Teeth can be used to gently bite the clitoris; try it sometime.
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(http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/go-fund-me.jpg)
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(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2016/08/Its-summer-time-for-some-motorboating---girl-meme.jpg)
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(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Nudist-Colony-Flashers.png)
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:popcorn:
(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2016/08/Its-summer-time-for-some-motorboating---girl-meme.jpg)
Ah yes...the smell of diesel fumes..
Much better., Sailing!
http://youtu.be/55LqSz1jSe4 (http://youtu.be/55LqSz1jSe4)
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Probably not all understand what 'motorboating' means.
http://preply.com/en/question/motorboat-slang-word
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Jeez,
When will you ex colonials stop screwing around with the Queen's English..!?
Thanks for the translation, ML
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Jeez,
Moby,
It's time for you to post something humorous in this thread.
I know you come across something funny from time to time
post it here and let others have a laugh.
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Probably not all understand what 'motorboating' means.
http://preply.com/en/question/motorboat-slang-word
http://youtu.be/2_pxwB7WkVc
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Moby,
It's time for you to post something humorous in this thread.
I know you come across something funny from time to time
post it here and let others have a laugh.
Beel,
My humour does not extend to posting photos of scantily clad ladies that I do not know, personally, and I rarely share 'jokes' - even with friends ..
I'll leave it to other members to entertain themselves ..
You should be studying Geography or suing your school teacher... but I love your dating threads and family stuff ;)
-
Beel,
You should be studying Geography or suing your school teacher...
Moby,
That's funny,
Besides my school teachers are protected by the statute of limitations
Beel,
but I love your dating threads and family stuff ;)
:D
-
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?"
I asked. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 87-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
-
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year".
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other. "I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
-
Now that IS funny..))
Does it say anything about those who like hunting for sport ? ;)
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Now that IS funny..))
Does it say anything about those who like hunting for sport ? ;)
Eats meat but thinks he's better than hunters
(http://www.valuetrend.ca/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/hypocrisy-300x226.jpg)
(http://sacomag.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/SA-Hunting-Meme.jpg)
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(http://s3.amazonaws.com/tinycards/image/6f08d508535c34a6d7e47534f88e86c1)
(http://i.imgur.com/gQOre.jpg)
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Eats meat but thinks he's better than hunters ]
Pathetic...
That's it ? Your attempt to condone hunting for sport ?
Newsflash, Beel .. Sometime ago I figured out where meat comes from ...
There's ways and ways .. Stun and kill - not shoot, miss, maim and - perhaps - eventually kill
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(http://www.nzhuntingandshooting.co.nz/attachments/f31/57472d1476734527-campfire-humour-all-jokes-thread-please-content-3-.jpg)
(http://i.pinimg.com/236x/5b/95/b2/5b95b26b2f73e233c532b0df22208d43--deer-hunting-humor-hunting-jokes.jpg)
(http://www.silvertine.ca/uploads/5/9/4/9/5949047/2831511.jpg?374)
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Pathetic...
My mistake, I should have said EXTREME HYPOCRISY and ignorant
and narcissistic, who is happy to get into fights in a humor thread
because this is all about you.
Do you know what they do to boy cows? They gather them when they are
young and traumatically separate them from their mothers. They send them
down a chute where at the end they are squeezed and bent over to the side.
Then they slice a cut along their scrotum, then they reach in with their fingers
and pull each testicle out, force a tag through the skin in their ears and then
they burn them through their hair and hide permanently scaring them.
Then they pack these cows into pens and they basically live in their own sh!t
while they are fattened up for slaughter. I could go on and on about the way
they are packed into trucks, about how they are lined up and killed one after
another and you could educate yourself about what they go through or you
can sit judging others as if you knew what you were talking about.
Now go ahead and post about how you know ranchers and blah, blah, blah
and how you have any clue at all and about how you are better and more
important than people who hunt and not a narcissist.
Let's make a couple pages of a humor thread that you participate in while
admitting that you don't tell jokes all about you and your specialness.
-
(http://www.silvertine.ca/uploads/5/9/4/9/5949047/8394700.jpg?376)
(http://www.fatjokes.in/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/hunting-jokes-2.jpg)
(http://www.silvertine.ca/uploads/5/9/4/9/5949047/3250318.jpg?395)
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My mistake, I should have said EXTREME HYPOCRISY and ignorant
and narcissistic, who is happy to get into fights in a humor thread
because this is all about you.
Do you know what they do to boy cows? They gather them when they are
young and traumatically separate them from their mothers. They send them
down a chute where at the end they are squeezed and bent over to the side.
Then they slice a cut along their scrotum, then they reach in with their fingers
and pull each testicle out, force a tag through the skin in their ears and then
they burn them through their hair and hide permanently scaring them.
Then they pack these cows into pens and they basically live in their own sh!t
while they are fattened up for slaughter. I could go on and on about the way
they are packed into trucks, about how they are lined up and killed one after
another and you could educate yourself about what they go through or you
can sit judging others as if you knew what you were talking about.
Now go ahead and post about how you know ranchers and blah, blah, blah
and how you have any clue at all and about how you are better and more
important than people who hunt and not a narcissist.
Let's make a couple pages of a humor thread that you participate in while
admitting that you don't tell jokes all about you and your specialness.
Bill,
That has got to be one of the funniest posts on this humor thread. Thanks for that.
-
Isn!t it strange that some folk do not get the one's 'humour' can actually be offensive to another.
I make no 'apologies' for raising my viewpoint but if the subsequent comments 'offend' you, Beel... feel free to sk a kind mod to make a new thread !
I humbly apologise for causing offence..
Cluebat... that was me being ironic..
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Bill,
That has got to be one of the funniest posts on this humor thread. Thanks for that.
Anytime Jone,
I am glad to have found your funny bone.
Note: I did make at least 500+ posts in this thread that were intended
to be humorous.
I humbly apologise for causing offence..
Cluebat... that was me being ironic..
Thank you for that
-
Quote from: msmob on Today at 02:51:08 AM (http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg506922#msg506922) -------------------I humbly apologise for causing offence..
************************************************************************
Thank you for that
OK I get it--April Fools.. Right? (http://www.jfkassassinationforum.com/Smileys/DarkB/cheesy.gif)
-
Quote from: msmob on Today at 02:51:08 AM (http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4594.msg506922#msg506922) -------------------I humbly apologise for causing offence..
************************************************************************OK I get it--April Fools.. Right? (http://www.jfkassassinationforum.com/Smileys/DarkB/cheesy.gif)
I'm going to put jokes and things that I find humorous in this
thread moving forward.
Udachi!
Bill
(http://i.imgur.com/VwfyM.jpg)
(http://www.nzhuntingandshooting.co.nz/attachments/f31/2788d1346133755-campfire-humour-all-jokes-thread-please-titty-5.jpg)
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Redneck gal has several older brothers.
So, upon getting confirmation that she is pregnant, she says:
"How do I know it's mine?"
-
Redneck gal has several older brothers.
So, upon getting confirmation that she is pregnant, she says:
"How do I know it's mine?"
Her boyfriend broke up with her, but said
"hey we can still be cousins"
Redneck word of the day is "Twerk"
I could watch football all day, but I've got to get twerk.
(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Rednecks.jpg)
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On his Wedding Day, a West Virginia guy says goodbye to his parents as he drives away for his honeymoon,
Late that night the father is awakened by the noise of someone entering the house. It's his son, without his new bride.
"What happened, son?"
"Dad, she is a virgin."
"Good thinking, son. If she is not good enough for her family, she is not good enough for ours."
True story
.
.
.
.
.
Maybe
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Next time that you feel like an idiot, just remember
Kim Kardashian played poker with mirrored sunglasses.
(http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/ltn0szsfvft21.jpg)
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(http://files.abovetopsecret.com/files/img/dv5c8c5a16.jpg)
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maybe she's copying Thorpe!!!!
http://www.engadget.com/2013/09/18/edward-thorp-father-of-wearable-computing/
I counted cards in Reno back in 1980, was sometimes successful, especially if dealer doesn't reshuffle the deck
which they wouldn't automatically do back then....
also "counted" slots by hanging back and watching people play and mentally counting coins in and out on each machine in a row
if players left after a lot of coins in on a particular machine, I'd jump on that machine before someone else did
hit several mid-sized jackpots!! talk about getting attention from the ladies!!!
read what a "Poisson Distribution" is
Reno slots have Nevada Gaming Commission mandated payout of not less than 91%
my game was over when security caught me and put me on a list and I wasn't allowed into any casinos in Reno any more
house makes the rules so the house always wins
-
I counted cards in Reno back in 1980, was sometimes successful, especially if dealer doesn't reshuffle the deck
which they wouldn't automatically do back then....
Multiple decks used now.
-
fortunately, what I did was not illegal under Nevada state law, so I could not be prosecuted
but it did earn me a trip to the back room for interrogation
I cooperated fully, and explained my system which under ideal conditions gave me a 4 point advantage in Black Jack , at the time I believe my card strategy was unique
I didn’t really have enough to bet back then to really hurt the casino, they actually expressed appreciation that I gave them a detailed explanation and walked them through it including the math
still, the end result was that I was banned, couldn’t even eat at the Friday Seafood Buffet any more...
The essence of my system, is that every card with a value of 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7 is going to count as +1 and the aces and 10s count as -1. There are 24 of the former and 20 of the latter, so if you counted through an entire deck you’d have a total of +4 when you finished.
When the count is positive, you’ll increase the size of your bets. When it’s negative, you’ll lower your bet to the minimum. The higher the count, the more you bet. gets more complex with multiple decks, but all this is “easy-peasy” for someone like me with Asperger’s
this system gave me a small edge, so it means you need to play a lot to actually make some $$$
meanwhile casino likes to ply you with free alcohol served by gorgeous hostesses to distract you
1980 was the last time I did this....
-
fortunately, what I did was not illegal under Nevada state law, so I could not be prosecuted
Counting cards is still not illegal. Very few people can do it these days.
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Whether you golf or not, these are AWESOME shoes!
Nike now markets Green Shoes, first seen at the 2019 Masters Tournament.
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last year in Amsterdam there were people walking around wearing only body paint, male and female
no one but me batted an eyelash
love that place
"Counting cards is still not illegal. Very few people can do it these days. "
continuous shuffle machines SHOULD have ended counting
I never went back to the tables after I was banned, so I don't know this field anymore
although security was professionally courteous
they were also very intimidating
totally miss the Friday Sea Food buffets though...
-
first seen at the 2019 Masters Tournament.
Who is marketing the shorts?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBIGwtyqBhA
-
Famous quotes:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
-
Famous quotes:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”
))
No woman of mne would prefer a Jag over a souped up Stuttgart Taxi ;)
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The Big Dog(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/aria_c16509020190428120100.jpg)
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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
That was Oscar Wilde
Some others by him
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken <<< My favorite
You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their <<< next favorite
fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.
Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.
I can resist everything except temptation.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment
is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
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(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sk050519dAPR20190503094511.jpg)
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Well, I for one, am glad Democrat Joe Biden is back in the limelight. Matter of fact I’m very happy he actually is the front runner of the Democrats’ list of hopefuls. So when the debate was held last night, the Biden we know so well made his presence known to everyone.
Moderator Chuck Todd: “If you’re elected as president, what will be your first action from the Oval Office?”
Joe Biden: “"The first thing I would do is make sure that we defeat Donald Trump. Period,"
LMAO! :devil: You just gotta love these Democrats!
-
Well, I for one, am glad Democrat Joe Biden is back in the limelight. Matter of fact I’m very happy he actually is the front runner of the Democrats’ list of hopefuls. So when the debate was held last night, the Biden we know so well made his presence known to everyone.
Moderator Chuck Todd: “If you’re elected as president, what will be your first action from the Oval Office?”
Joe Biden: “"The first thing I would do is make sure that we defeat Donald Trump. Period,"
LMAO! :devil: You just gotta love these Democrats!
That really is a great quote. :)
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(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/kn071619dAPR20190716054731.jpg)
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(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67445776_10157489256518464_6204251967569526784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQlsnRTcfNoPAls2v6_4t5yqFY3-j2psqzrPjlsR2-3Cv87GJy6IXopeq2uZdCaUlilpDk1j6S5DcpthZYeBHZBh&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=656093f10c90ff4cf098c38b1f3c725a&oe=5DAA6AF0)
(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/66881415_10157487666578464_9172845749526855680_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQnzDssWMJrtE8Ex4hXWXDBM00jK5Mm-j6__-NiTKhgSg9N57CqcqIIiOODqi0ayAXBopfdRELOhop3HtF_g0UiB&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=4815207dfd11b304e154cd5d83867810&oe=5DE25E15)
(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67117447_10157485337603464_8073249085693362176_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_oc=AQls5FkXvUBiAQa3ToXU75EoSu0eHjjp7rnEWiSNck7CEITILcfmw4SV1_k8IvyBMBHXSi8OjOeAJxbuEs9Yw-fN&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=ee58eec4816bdac63bddb5ac63f5a5d9&oe=5DDBA2A0)
(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67270708_10157483550123464_5228051071359778816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_oc=AQkcuVKKAHwzlozaiSTYe3y1c4V6cMCMQrk61KfasyQUvBT9iMvLxrzg3yT2adb-8BXKUilFf1sWb7Azg99isQEC&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=be8abd8b374b3a50841a27c38cba6cf3&oe=5DEBAF34)
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The last one....Your..or is it Russia's..(?) S.Segal might not agree)
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(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/565013_10151845409093464_1521320405_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQkYzZylMbBa5l9O4Xtt9Ev-IxBWkgdckzAGPmQo6jC3mbw3cuD6SwHoO0PRJemFektQ_1MQmrinPSLhirEZf4gg&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=d0612c06a0cc4a9fa983d8135db404f5&oe=5DE0171D)
(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/559333_10151856477488464_1633827297_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQkFcIMqTNLLg_nQJMvWKsWx-eeB4VYsu4uWXuSVoe3D3fWoUmD5MQGp7o4vW0NvENmGcDSJ7dRudzofDuQEB_5G&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=488d2a0122674a05c6b9c1e40b61ce89&oe=5DEBBE06)
(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1009935_10151857656078464_816502547_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQntPmhXJTlhdoO1oEB8LIjg-NJfA9sWNeDK1wxAtWwoPbKiI3NdzwOHUtWIJzM7q_EwtHBObiFBTb0zczuc3U4J&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=1e69ad0f97c914d86e5c1a595cbd4432&oe=5DA2CCD6)
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(http://i.mycdn.me/i?r=AzEPZsRbOZEKgBhR0XGMT1Rk8VI2rI0Obdofzg0sOaWH76aKTM5SRkZCeTgDn6uOyic)
I don't know if the original is Russian - but I found it on RU social media ..
(http://i.imgur.com/X8noBTW.jpg)
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Who is marketing the shorts?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBIGwtyqBhA
http://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2019/aug/06/marketing-boss-quits-victorias-secret-first-trans-model-hired
Watch out... some of the "camels" might have an extra toe! :o
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Internet of crapola
-
Thank the Lord for cartoons like that, as far as I'm concerned;)
-
So--How do fish get high?........Seaweed.
***********************************
He was making out with this girl on the sofa when she said-- "let's take this upstairs"...He said "OK I'll get this end and you can grab the other"
***********************************
Did you hear the one about the roof? Probably over your head anyway.
***********************************
California-------
Do you know what was happening 169 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
*****************************************
How is California like a bowl of cereal? It's filled with nuts, fruits, and flakes.
******************************************
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“So I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
-
He was making out with this girl on the sofa when she said-- "let's take this upstairs"...He said "OK I'll get this end and you can grab the other"
***********************************
I like it.
-
Taking a dog named Shark to the beach? ...Not a good idea.
************************************************
A cable company truck pulled up and the driver asks 'Say, do you know what time it is?' ---
Answer was "Oh between 8AM and 1PM" :-\
*************************************************
A guy was arrested for sitting in the park..not doing a thing.
The charge was ~Impersonating a Politician~
**************************************************
-
A guy was arrested for sitting in the park..not doing a thing.
The charge was ~Impersonating a Politician~
**************************************************
Actually we are best served if they do nothing.
-
Phil Hartman was one of my favorites. This clip had them in stitches---
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV3CjIWeVBo
-
Remember when we used to have to pay to go into tent at carnival to see a fat lady with tatoos?
Free at last. Thank God it is free at last.
-
(http://i.ytimg.com/vi/RWLDGrH30-g/hqdefault.jpg)
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Humorous,
but true ..
(US) Runner completes 'wrong' Worcester half marathon
"A runner who accidentally signed up to the wrong half marathon completed the race distance on the same day - just on the other side of the Atlantic.
Sheila Pereira booked a place at the Worcester City Half Marathon, thinking it was in her hometown of Worcester, Massachusetts.
But the event was 3,200 miles away in the English city of the same name.
Undeterred, Ms Pereira ran 13.1 miles on her own in the US on the same day as the Worcestershire event.
She has been praised by UK organisers, who are sending her a race finisher's pack including a participation medal and T-shirt."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-49740880 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-49740880)
She's been invited to compete in future UK Worcester events ...
Amusing, but a happy ending
-
Count the number of objects in the picture.
Now, for the hard part . . . find the camel.
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(http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/mrz092219dAPR20190921034514.jpg)
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh. He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth..."For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
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I resemble those remarks.
:tongueout:
-
Living in Florida I agree. The balance in manifested in other regards (e. g., God made California dry and Florida humid).
Some of our politicians push my limits. Remember Deborah Wasserman Schultz?
We have our share of dregs here. The dregs migrate southward along the Atlantic coast looking for work and fun. Some find what they want and settle down. Some are rejected for not having work skills or worse, being batshit crazy, and they keep moving southward, eventually reaching Florida. Once in Florida, some find what they seek and settle down. Yet the worse continue to migrate southward, eventually reaching Key West. And there they stay.
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What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a three legged, one eyed donkey?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a three legged, one eyed donkey playing a piano?
A plinky plonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a three legged, one eyed, piano playing donkey driving a tractor?
Damn clever
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God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
I lived in Los Angeles for about 10 years . . . way back when.
It was somewhat jolting for a naive young man from the genteel Midwest.
Mostly I was struck by the seeming 'fakeness' of many people; not even speaking of Hollywood types.
For first time in my life, it seemed that many (most) were very insincere and would not do what they said they would.
Small example: Car pool . . . I come by your house on X days and you pick me up on Y days. No show on their days. Later explanation: I just got up too late and had to hurry on to work. I just forgot you. I had other things to do before work.
One factor may have been that virtually no one seemed to be a native Californian when I was there. We all came in from other states. So I think many had the attitudes of . . . I don't really know and think of fellow workers and neighbors as people that I owe anything to and probably won't even be around for very long.
I don't really know the answer, but I think it tainted me somewhat and made me somewhat more cynical than I would have naturally been.
However, on the other hand, I was able to get university bachelor degree relatively much cheaper than in other states, and the booming economy allowed for rapid career advancement.
So who knows? But I am certainly glad that I do not live there now!!!
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I lived in Los Angeles for about 10 years . . . way back when.
It was somewhat jolting for a naive young man from the genteel Midwest.
Mostly I was struck by the seeming 'fakeness' of many people; not even speaking of Hollywood types.
For first time in my life, it seemed that many (most) were very insincere and would not do what they said they would.
Small example: Car pool . . . I come by your house on X days and you pick me up on Y days. No show on their days. Later explanation: I just got up too late and had to hurry on to work. I just forgot you. I had other things to do before work.
One factor may have been that virtually no one seemed to be a native Californian when I was there. We all came in from other states. So I think many had the attitudes of . . . I don't really know and think of fellow workers and neighbors as people that I owe anything to and probably won't even be around for very long.
I don't really know the answer, but I think it tainted me somewhat and made me somewhat more cynical than I would have naturally been.
However, on the other hand, I was able to get university bachelor degree relatively much cheaper than in other states, and the booming economy allowed for rapid career advancement.
So who knows? But I am certainly glad that I do not live there now!!!
Well, ML,
The good news is that if your friend forgets to pick you up on his car pool days, he gets a five hundred dollar fine for violating the car pool lane. Either that or he gets stuck in traffic for two hours and gets fired from his job.
LOL
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Asked wife why she stays with me.
She: Because you are funny.
Me: I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She: See . . . you are hilarious !
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(http://pp.userapi.com/c846221/v846221691/18c899/59BX9OVzUbQ.jpg)
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
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Asked wife why she stays with me.
She: Because you are funny.
Me: I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She: See . . . you are hilarious !
Wifey is spot on, ML. You're a funny guy! :P
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Just saw this pic in Kyiv Post. Don't know what the ad was about.
Bet a guy would have hard time finding a place of interest on these gals.
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(http://pp.userapi.com/c846221/v846221691/18c899/59BX9OVzUbQ.jpg)
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
Reminds me of reading a story in a Dear Abby help column. A woman said her grandmother gave her a gift on her wedding day. The card said "For a happy marriage, wear this". The box was empty. The grandmother is a wise woman.
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(http://pp.userapi.com/c846221/v846221691/18c899/59BX9OVzUbQ.jpg)
Very nice looking sofa.
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More jokes
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I've run out of things to yell at you about, said no woman ever
(http://i.imgflip.com/sgi2i.jpg)
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A man is about to have sex with this really fat gal..he climbs on top of her.
“Can I turn the light off?” he asks. “Why?” she replies. “Are you feeling a bit shy?”
“No,” he said “Because it’s burning my ass!”
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Was watching a recorded episode of Last Man Standing while having breakfast.
A problem arose in that a valued employee was found to be here illegally.
Ed says: I will contact an Immigration Lawyer I used before regarding one of my former girlfriends.
Mike: But wasn't the result that she was sent to Ukraine?
Ed: Yes, and that wasn't easy for him to arrange . . . since she was born in Kansas !
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Found this in an old RW archive:
Hi folks, I have an amusing story to tell about my fiancee. I am in the process of building a house and I sent her {Victoria} 2 scanned prints of floor plans {blueprints}, one of the first and one of the second floor. First floor, kitchen, dining room, living room bath room, family room and on the second floor, bath room, master bedroom with balcony, my daughter's bedroom, her son's bedroom, and a spare bedroom. Knowing that her English is not that great, I titled and labeled each room accordingly. When I called Victoria this past Sunday to see if she had received the plans, she said she loved the design but she had a concern but was reluctant to tell me about it. When I pressed her to tell me what her concern was, she still refused to tell me and said we would discuss the problen, which she considered serious, after she arrived here. Being concerned that she did not like something about the house design, I kept pressing her to tell me what the problem was so as not to have to make a modification after the house was built, but she still refused to tell me siting that she was upset and embarrassed to say. After a little more proding and poking on my part she finally said, "the house is going to be beautiful but why don't you want me to sleep in your room and in your bed?" Well, needles to say, the there was silence for about 40 seconds while I was trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Not being able to figure out what gave her that impression I asked her to explain. I heard sniffles on the other end of the phone and in a quivering voice she said in broken English "you have four bedrooms but we only need three. You have a bedroom for your daughter and a bedroom for my son and you have a bedroom for me too and you put my bedroom the furthest from your bedroom the MASTER BEDROOM. {English/Russian dictionary, "master"}I couldn't help myself and I started laughing loudly. The more I laughed the madder she got at me until I explained that the word "master" when used in conjunction with "bedroom" was a generic term for the largest bedroom in the house, the bedroom where husband and wife sleep together, not where the master sleeps. I guess the moral to my story is that no matter how you say it, what is important is how it is understood.
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Close enough ?
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I have mistletoe in both of my back pockets,
Just so you know.
If you marry a woman because of big boobs
and long legs, just know that someday she
will probably have long boobs and big legs.
New Years toast: May you get banged every
night like a screen door in a tornado.
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“Jesus loves you” is a nice thing to hear at church.
But not such a great thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
A visitor, returning to the middle east for the first time since Iraq, noticed a big change..on previous visits noting that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. Observing now that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! Approaching someone for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines,"was the reply.
He called the waitress over and said: "I have a few questions about the menu, please."
She got angry and said: "Listen mister, the men I please are none of your business!"
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As classes resumed for 5th grade, the teacher was asking each student what they did for Christmas.
She was reluctant to ask her Jewish student, but just said: What did your family do during this break period.
The boy said: We got into my Dad's Rolls Royce, drove down to our toy factory, observed all the empty shelves and said:
"Thank you Jesus !! "
Then we got on our private plane and flew down to Florida.
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Recent story from a couple------
We applied for a building permit for a new house. We decided it was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. We were going to hire some idiot to scream over the loudspeakers 4 times each day. We have enough property that it could have parking for 200 cars and we are going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The County Building permit office told us to go to hell.
So we sent in the application again….but this time we called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday. And the best part is that it will be tax exempt! We love this country, but it’s the government that scares us...............
Went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
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I went to sit on the toilet at 11:59 pm
I looked at the clock and it turned past 12:00
Once again, it's the same sh!t, different day.
I was dating a single mother and her 5 year old
daughter Sally got tasty fruit rollups for a snack
at her school. One day she ate all her rollups and
blamed it on me. My GF wouldn't have sex with
me for two weeks! So, I grabbed a crayon and
wrote Sally all over the wall three feet off the
ground. Guess who got into trouble for that?
Decaffeinated coffee is about as useful as a
hooker that ONLY cuddles.
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In the spirit of the holidays, how about some trunk monkeys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq0mUxRKHQY&list=PLoxADsZ9YforxtjWODy3Kz_8JjLH-Nxp7
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(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/b3/df/98/b3df98ccd4eaa0c35752ef8ba9f565f6.jpg)
NOTE: Joke created and owned by Scott Hilburn
-
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/28/Psittacus_erithacus_-perching_on_tray-8d.jpg)
I haven't met a single parrot owner who taught his bird to say
"Help they turned me into a parrot!" How could that not be the
first thing they taught it to say?
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Anagram of where I worked for 30 years ;)
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Uhhhh...you write the line.
What is she doing/saying?
(http://media1.giphy.com/media/Ry9UZHHYucxOw/giphy.gif?cid=790b76113ac44073b9b026310fef514483d58072c3ef7990&rid=giphy.gif)
How about---- "Blasted slot machine!"
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Isn't that red ball thingy supposed to be between her legs ?
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funny madam :clapping:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J-Vg9--r-E&list=PU5JvS2JuPAy6N80lTjsqZqg&index=1
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Only someone with a sense of humour would be using / paying Adate, right ?
-
(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/c9/e0/24/c9e024848d398b0dadd134758ec2e559.jpg)
(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/41/79/2a/41792a698d9af6c3a713471f4b9674b9.jpg)
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(http://i.pinimg.com/originals/41/79/2a/41792a698d9af6c3a713471f4b9674b9.jpg)
Invisible, LMAO. I am always reminded of the skit in the movie 'Mystery Men' when the main group of superheroes were auditioning for new superheroes to add in the group. One of the applicant was the *Invisible Boy*, and the audition went this way...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SMgO7Jg5cE
...another funny line in this particular skit was : "Dad, I'm going into my room with 3 strange men"
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Talk about ----down under--- heh heh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfPNa7q4T2U
"This bush has seen a Cockatoo "
"It's enough to make your dango go drier that a dead dingo's dongo in a desert.
Keep the devil out of your tazzie.."
...And the jelly out of your box." (http://www.jfkassassinationforum.com/Smileys/DarkB/cheesy.gif)
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Speaking of a "cock or two,"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgJ2tihTL-E
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That is too damn funny. I know exactly that feeling of being pushed away like that.
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Agree, one of the funniest video clips. Had to show it to Larissa and Lisa. They cracked up too.
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Encountered a long check-out lane today.
So I coughed once and said . . .
It has been getting worse since I got back from China.
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(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/28/Psittacus_erithacus_-perching_on_tray-8d.jpg)
I haven't met a single parrot owner who taught his bird to say
"Help they turned me into a parrot!" How could that not be the
first thing they taught it to say?
This has actually happened...
http://nypost.com/video/woman-crying-bloody-murder-turns-out-to-be-a-parrot/
Also... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuyjYRE64ss
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Speaking of a "cock or two,"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgJ2tihTL-E
Passing on - utterly brilliant, Gator !
-
Psychic wanted ..............
$200,000 per year including company car.
Please send your resume to the address appearing in your crystal ball.
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Friend of mine showed up with a black eye.
I asked how it happened.
He said he was standing in checkout line and noticed that the large woman ahead of him had her loose flowing dress stuck in her butt.
So he reached in and pulled it out.
That's how he got the black eye, when he thought he was just doing a favor.
I told him she probably didn't want him to pull the dress out of her butt.
A few days later he showed up with another black eye.
Said he saw the same woman in line and remembered what I had told him, so . . .
He pushed her dress back into her butt.
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(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAUM5-UWsAIX7x2.jpg:large)
;D
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The madam opened the brothel door in New Orleans and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked...
'I want to see Jenny,' the man replied.
'Sir, Jenny is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Jenny,' he replied.
Just then, Jenny appeared and announced to the man she charged $3000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out three thousand dollars and gave it to her, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see her. She explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $3000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to her, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid her and they went upstairs.
After their session, she said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Baton Rouge '. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Baton Rouge.''
I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She left you $9,000 in her will.
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Getting screwed by a lawyer
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:clapping: Great one. ;D
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Man goes to the food market, finds an employee and asks "Where's all the nuts?"
Employee responds "They're in the toilet paper aisle."
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Krimster solves the impending toilette paper crisis for rednecks
who’ve never been to France...
and have at least one bathroom per person in their bunker
ok, after the TP is ALL GONE!!!!
when you have to go:
1. go into YOUR bathroom and close the door
2. take off all of of your clothes
3. sit naked on the toilette and “fire, when ready...”
4. flush
5. CAREFULLY, get up and “sneak over” to the shower or bath
6. wash your freakin Anus, give it a real “good scrubbin”
7. turn off bath or shower and be sure to not leave any “brown stain in the drain"
8. dry yourself off
9. get dressed and exit your bathroom
anyway, I’m here to help you rednecks survive...
cuz a world without rednecks would be boring
and not having anyone that an equally repulsive creature as myself can laugh at would REALLY REALLY suck...
cuz then, I’d have to start thinking about “STUFF” and feel sad...
am I not just as human as you?
if you cut me, do I not bleed the same color as you?
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France? They have bidets.
I worked in remote areas of the. Middle East. They have been without TP before camels evolved.
ME toilets do not have showers. Instead one uses a water container next to the starting blocks. I can send you a DIY video if you like. ;D
I tried to avoid touching the door knob when exiting. I waited for someone to come in or used my elbows.
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#3: If you run out of toilet paper, can I be your Prince Charmin?
#2: You can't spell quarantine without the letters: U R A Q T
And the number one pickup line associated with Corona Virus: If the Corona Virus doesn't take you out, can I?
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Corona Virus mask
(http://www.sapeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/joke-anti-virus.jpg)
-
I like that mask.
-
DATING, SEX AND MARRIAGE IN DIFFERENT CULTURES
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life .
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
ARAB WOMEN
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your nuts are fed to the goats.
No third date!
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
The POINT ?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH ?
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The short video in the link below sums up the events of the Coronavirus as they unfolded perfectly. It's uniquely funny and sad at the same time.
http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6810076023753886981
Two famous Cuomo brothers fighting on tv over who's mom's favorite during a pandemic. Priorities, priorities.
http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6806709720255057157
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PANDEMIC GOLF
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.
My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and it’s cart path only.
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. No sports. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.
Paranoia is off the tracks. My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.
I don’t consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot putt. I can handle it.
So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.
Our foursome seems not to pose a risk. George, has to be virus free; he is very odd and other than us has no friends. So social distancing has never been a problem for him. Another player, Bob, is my neighbor and a urologist. He has been working from home for weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our final partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. He thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.
The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reed’s fan club can still meet.
Our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf:
• Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.
• Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.
• Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.
• Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.
• No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.
• No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.
• Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into what may evolve as our inevitable future: all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and human interaction is through our cell phone. Schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
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Hey Phil, I really like it. Am going to read it to wife.
Thanks for sharing.
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Refeshing sense of humour in times like these, Phil :clapping:. You might also try this putting variation for aged golfers ;D.
(http://i.pinimg.com/564x/00/87/2a/00872a37c2441fa660d75c9992326b99.jpg)
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This is the type of toilet paper we need in a crisis. I can't find it on the internet but I'd like to buy a case.
http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6804259399561972997
The virus has hampered people's ability to think. Frustration sets in.
http://www.tiktok.com/@uncorked/video/6800793516017601798
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It's not paranoia if they are really out to get you.
http://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-jokes-37-5e722ad77a9d3__700.jpg
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Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs for younger folks and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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(http://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92461743_10222337509256055_5645379265257013248_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=IK7nSy2jqzwAX-CH6wp&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=a1c1a448211545dbb3c1613376435f14&oe=5EB04A8A)
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Pietrasanta, a seaside resort in Tuscany. There even geese are scrupulously social-distancing :D:
(http://corrierefiorentino.corriere.it/methode_image/2020/04/05/Fiorentino/Foto%20Trattate/WhatsApp%20Image%202020-04-05%20at%2013.31.11-kSOG-U46080589779329MPG-1224x916@CorriereFiorentino-Web-Firenze-593x443.jpg?v=20200405165134)
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(http://www.girlielingerie.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/thumbnail/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/s/5/s5026_sexy_nurse_back.jpg)
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask. A young hot nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
The young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here for the sponge bath."
He asks again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might freak out from worrying about his testicles,
she pulls back the covers.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Well Bill, I signed back on just to tell you I thought it was funny..
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Well Bill, I signed back on just to tell you I thought it was funny..
+1 Bill. Am sharing it with family members and they are all in stitches. Just the type of joke my Dad used to tell.
Thanks.
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, you Yankee swine.’”
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The version I heard related to a mafia lawyer in Italy.
But funny in any version.
-
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said. "My family went to my grandfather's farm and wall saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Jonny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Jonny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Jonny said, "My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons. But her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Class dismissed.
-
. . . and wall saw . . .
Should this be 'wall see' or perhaps 'wall seen'?
Or maybe w'all as plural for y'all.
-
There's nothing like tomato soup to soothe the soul.
I have mine cold, with a celery stalk, Tabasco, Worcestershire,
pepper and vodka.
If you see my kids outside crying and pulling weeds, don't worry
they are on a field trip.
I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and told her wherever
the dart lands we will go there after the corona virus is over.
Looks like our next trip is behind the fridge.
-
Is anyone else's car getting two weeks per gallon?
-
(http://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/-tJ-PuuEv6TqNYzzqRjvih9x5oucxlX2uExlc-xOlvbO0hpCJgaV-VU4HwZRjtQNw_s6ClqeBBWYkgTKwxY7r5bFQAec1HlacZ9Uop9EgtXRWO73cc_kY0QqmLOsbQ=s0-d-e1-ft#http://i1.wp.com/naughtybits.us/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/The-eye-test.gif)
Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice? Think about it; what is odd?
Now scroll down.
Here are the results of the Survey:
1 100% of male Naval Aviators failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's breasts.
2 100% of the female Naval Aviators also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
The answer :
There's a MOUSE on one of the doughnuts. Don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you!!
-
What donuts?
-
Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice? Think about it; what is odd?
1 100% of male Naval Aviators failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's breasts.
I'm in the Naval Aviator category. I was certain there was something odd on those breasts so my focus was there and it still is.
-
:devil:
I was still fixated on Bill’s long-legged nurse upthread.
-
Tried the test .. I saw the mouse ... I was sharing my screen with SC ... She saw the breasts .. asking me if I liked them that big ... ;)
I thought she meant the cakes
-
I DID see the mouse.
But this was because I was looking for something out of place, because I had seen this or something like it before and knew I had to do a careful search.
-
...I had seen this or something like it before and knew I had to do a careful search.
Good memory. Yes, it is a rerun. I don't apologize because these days without sports, restaurants, the local outdoor music venue, etc. a lot of people are spending more time on the computer than they want, and are recirculating material from the past.
-
Good memory.
Yes and ML had an advantage since he doesn't like big boobs. IIRC ML likes a B cup or smaller. He was probably disgusted by what he saw hanging over those donuts so he focused on the lower half of the picture.
-
I didn't see the rat or the donuts
-
Yes and ML had an advantage since he doesn't like big boobs. IIRC ML likes a B cup or smaller. He was probably disgusted by what he saw hanging over those donuts so he focused on the lower half of the picture.
Good recall Billy. Yes, I think B cup are best. But, I am not typically disgusted by large size . . . yeah maybe when they are really gross looking.
As a side issue, I found that gals with very small breasts (like AA) had the most sensitive nipples of all, which was a lot of fun for both of us.
But it pains me to see gals with practically no breast, as I feel so bad for them.
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It came to the attention of the local United Way staff that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
I had heard a different version . . . but great in any version.
-
A couple of guys in a mental institution...one guys says 'I'm going break out of here tonight' the other guy says 'What?---are you crazy?'
-----------------------------------------------------
She was kidnapped by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
I like it !!!
-
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
-
The National Transportation Safety Board -------
Recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 48% of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 51% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
-
Rock Paper Scissors Games to play when drunk!
http://www.facebook.com/JohnScaglione/videos/10157687110976501/ (http://www.facebook.com/JohnScaglione/videos/10157687110976501/)
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He said his wife might be starting to show signs of Alzheimer's...
She told him she doesn't remember what she ever saw in him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell a woman that she is beautiful and she forgets it the next day.
Tell her she is getting fat ...and she'll never---not ever forget it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our economy is getting so bad that....
--- McDonald's employees are asking "Can you afford fries with that?"
--- California girls actually have to use the sun to get a tan.
--- Falling gas prices are actually allowing people to drive the cars they're sleeping in.
--- They're sending out pre-declined credit cards in the mail.
--- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
--- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
--- When Bill and Hillary Clinton travel together, they now have to share a room.
--- The Amish are learning the electrical trade.
--- Happy hour is starting earlier.
--- Kids are livin’ the dream. At one time smoking pot and skipping school led to trouble.
Now weed’s legal and the schools are closed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three symptoms of laziness...
1.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was the above list too long?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.
If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite eh?
-
Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Trump.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
Trump hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
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An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.-----------
His girlfriend was always stealing his t-shirts and sweaters... but she catches him trying on one of her dresses, and it was suddenly "we need to talk".---------
He said that he wants to die peacefully in his sleep like his grandpa... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.--------------
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Then things got a little tense.
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They say intrigue is good in dating. Here is how to go about job question ;)
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Lily, good one. You humor is tilting from Russian more to Canadian. Good to see you around.
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Stalking: When two people go on a long romantic walk.
(but only one of them knows about it).
-
Starts slowly.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6e7LBmUUCo&feature=youtu.be
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LOL good one Gator!
:D
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I have a COVID joke.
I think you’ll get it.
-
:)
-
:)
A fixer upper ?
-
If you have to explain a joke then it wrecks the joke.
Many of you don't know what okroshka is. So I am
probably going to wreck the joke/anecdote because
a lot of you need to know. HOWEVER, you can tell the
joke to your FSU girl and she might find it funny.
Information start
It's a cold soup that they eat in the FSU during the summer
and hot weather and it has bubbles like mineral water sometimes
does. It can be quite refreshing.
http://natashaskitchen.com/okroshka-recipe-russian-summer-soup/
Information end.
My wife is affected by the hot Texas summer and said
to me
"Beel eeets (it's) been hot so I decided to make okroshka.
I couldn't find all the ingredients so I changed the recipe.
I made it with peaches, strawberries and champagne"
She looked very refreshed!
-
:ROFL:
Lily you are so cute!
-
(http://i.imgur.com/RYYHkpw.gif)
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BOO!(http://i.imgur.com/LGh91.gif)
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How one frustrated car driver deals with a protester in the FSU ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApUpKd_gQy8
Ooops, I forgot youtube is a US firm and a tiny willy they is blurred out is still 'offensive'
OK... let's try vimeo
http://vimeo.com/445264050
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKiW5OYjels
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKiW5OYjels
I didn't like it at all. Sorry I spent the time.
-
Actually, that is really not the video I wanted to post but I didn't know how to remove it.
-
Missed it. Video now down. A good one, huh?
-
Missed it. Video now down. A good one, huh?
I don't want to waste 3 minutes of anyone else's time but the video can be seen by clicking "Watch this video on youtube".
I was just amazed at how tall that girl is.
-
Remember this one?..................................................
(http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/EVF9S50K5BRT53ET-cp0x0x736x678-pad750x401xx444x.img)(http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/8FG7LPCTLOFEFJ01-cp0x0x499x562-pad825x396xx444x.img)
(http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/JAB0CL8DC49ONMNP-cp0x20x600x518-pad825x396xx444x.img)(http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/A187SAHRM5LN3HH5-cp0x0x525x743-pad825x396xx444x.img) (http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/FVCD8EJ7FPPL7TJ9-cp0x0x707x1000-pad825x396xx444x.img)(http://proxy.topixcdn.com/ipicimg/NGGDDAP4IJLU4TJC-pad750x401xx444x.img)
You can even give her one for her birthday or anniversary!
-
(http://i.pinimg.com/236x/34/e0/f7/34e0f7f30dbcac1f2c180ade72dc2aff.jpg)
-
(http://i.chzbgr.com/full/7474865920/h6F33DEBF/untitled)
-
(http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aLK0e9v_700bwp.webp)
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Early learning
-
Eat them all
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it is not only the passion…Dad she is pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than that--- failing in everything--- report card that's in my center desk drawer.....You need to sign it.
I love you.... Call me at Tommy's when it is OK to come home.
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Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of your wife?"
"I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent to swapping."
Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement.
Early the next morning the husbands compared notes. "How was it for you?"
"I haven't had this much fun in ages!" said the other.
"Me, too. Now let's go see how the girls made out."
-
OMG !!!
-
My wife was so sick . . . I had to carry her to the kitchen to make breakfast for me.
-
Man: I was just reading that it is impossible to be happy and sad at same time.
Wife: Not true
Man: Give example
Wife: Of all your brothers, you have the biggest dick !!
-
http://www.humoar.com/wp-content/uploads/webm/2017/04/when-you-accidentally-type-winky-face.mp4
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(http://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p526x296/134719932_1725851724232079_3576710476942108302_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=2&_nc_sid=2c4854&_nc_ohc=rVjMLES_P2gAX80LQYu&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&tp=6&oh=4ea2325bbab322c25105dc813fabaf48&oe=601861CC)
-
Newspaper reports that local couple addicted to brake fluid.
But couple said they could stop anytime.
-
Saw this on SNL the other and thought it is hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NhViwSjLdk
-
Write your own caption----->(http://image.cnbcfm.com/api/v1/image/105951795-1559798692588gettyimages-1148266327.jpeg?v=1559798716&w=740&h=416)
Vlad---Hey Xi ...did you get bottle of Stolichnaya Elite I sent ....$3000 bottle USD
Xi [thinking]...还以为我给这家伙寄了一瓶2万美元的贵州茅台白酒 [And to think I sent this guy a $20,000 bottle of Kweichow Moutai]
-
Write your own caption----->(http://image.cnbcfm.com/api/v1/image/105951795-1559798692588gettyimages-1148266327.jpeg?v=1559798716&w=740&h=416)
"Pull my finger?"
-
You made Trump cry too?
-
What's important?
-
For those FSU folks that don't believe
-
For those FSU folks that don't believe
:ROFL:
That tickled my science funny bone.
-
Seen on a license plate:
~ White privilege for sale. New, never used. All offers considered. ~
-
~ White privilege for sale. New, never used. All offers considered. ~
But the blacks and their supporters would contend that White Privilege doesn't have to be 'used;' . . . it is just there.
Not sure they don't have a point.
But on the other hand . . . I have told family and friends several times . . . think who was most hated group in USA after WWII.
It was Japanese Americans.
So what did they do?
They kept their heads down, their mouths shut, excelled in education, worked hard, didn't try to push their culture or behavioral traits on the rest of us, didn't riot and destroy their own neighborhoods, and now are one of the most economically successful group in USA.
-
Somebody had "COVID and my ex F'd everybody" on the back of their window.
-
The acronym CHL has different meanings. One is the Canadian Hockey League. Another is the nation Chile (ISO code).
Texans know it as Concealed Handgun License. In Florida we call it a CWP.
To obtain a CHL, a gun owner must complete a special class. This is a radio ad for a CHL class in the heart of Texas. The brief ad captures Texas sentiment about handguns.
http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/
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Video chat IQ test
A couple of days ago I was video chatting with a gal when the conversation hit one of those inconvenient lulls. So I quickly improvised some conversation and I complimented her on her perfume. (Did I mention we were video chatting on the internet?) While she was euphorically beaming and thanking me for the compliment, I was subtly moving her to the "B" list.
Contrary to some members' beliefs, the olfactory enhanced internet is yet to be invented. Any rumors different are just a conspiracy theory, but by all means keep showering before getting online, just in case.
-
I complimented her on her perfume.
Maybe she thought you wanted to send her some. Maybe this....
(http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/2GcAAOSw7z9fFxs6/s-l500.jpg)
A bit pricey [$300 on ebay] but she'll love it.
-
I've been trying to figure out a way to make a joke out of a quote
from Dave Barry,
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
Then I decided that the quote was strong enough on it's own.
-
Every time I start to do something...my wife has something for me to do :cluebat:
-
Probably...you have seen this snapshot before. I will let it caption itself.
But what I can't help but notice is.. how large Hillary's head is.(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cub-Y5fWcAAViDw.jpg)
-
but notice is.. how large Hillary's head is.
But apparently it didn't develop from 'giving head.'
-
A man walks into his doctor’s office one day complaining about pain he’s experiencing.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Man: Doc, I have this searing pain down my backside lower entrance...
Doctor: Backside lower entrance? I don’t understand. What do you mean?
Man: (pointing at his butt) Right there, Doc...that lower entrance.
Doctor: (Glanced down momentarily at his butt, then looks at the guy and said) Well, I have to be honest, you keep calling it an ‘entrance’ then the pain will likely never stop.
-
Since we are on the topic of entry holes, here's one for you.
When the court asks for the reason why your ex-boyfriend was stalking you - iFunny :) (http://ifunny.co/picture/when-the-court-asks-for-the-reason-why-your-ex-LkwVDiwy7)
-
(http://img.ifunny.co/images/4a224e975c6e21d750f9a391d6dc05286531d255c6e0ce4b26f41fd0e259cb23_1.jpg)
-
(http://img.ifunny.co/images/04f57906c7696295af5c84b736da633c42e25cc3d1f4b9dd2e1eeb322df2cb97_1.jpg)
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He was wandering around the fairgrounds when he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," he laughed. "I'm the father of FIVE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
-
Hahah! The lighter side of Andrew Cuomo's resignation (yeah, I know - another Democrat pervert).
I'm Italian, baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHZHAFyv_Ks
Considering resigning for the charges of sexual harassment, both Cuomo and media understands any criminal exposure he now faces is no more than just two misdemeanor offenses. This, despite his abuse of power, the criminal act of flasfying the # of COVID deaths, cancelling medic-aid in the heat of NY's pandemic, and of course, the worst of all, authorizing covid-infected patients into nursing homes and assisted-living facilities in addition to handing immunity to its facilities' executives.
Oh New York, New York....
-
http://youtu.be/OsBOWSjOLsE
-
Two guys are fishing and drinking beer. One says...'I'm thinking about divorcing the wife, she hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.'
The other one finishes his beer and then says 'You best think that one over a little more...a woman like that is hard to find.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The guy's wife growled 'You haven't been listening to a word I've said have you?'. He thought 'What a strange way to start a conversation'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man tells the pastor 'I think my wife is trying to poison me.' 'Oh seriously?' replied the pastor. 'I'm very serious' said the man. 'She is being very secretive and I think she is hiding something to poison me with'.
The pastor then said 'Let me talk to her and I will find out what is going on and I will let you know.'
A week later the pastor calls and tells the man 'I spoke with your wife and must have talked with her for at least 3 hours..Now, do you want my advice?'
The man said yeah sure and the pastor replied 'Go ahead and take the poison.'
-
Virtually everyone has heard of Karl, but he had a notable sister named Onya.
In fact she invented the 'Starter' pistol used in foot races.
The starter guys pay tribute to her at the beginning of each race by calling out her name just before firing the pistol.
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(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/235323609_6523143214377435_2039534328621669037_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=OPFJ_5dZ15sAX-TWR37&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=1586741b5323e1ba963bbb2f8487a235&oe=614A832A)
-
Now and then I still like watching the '70s humor. Back when society wasn't so broken with righteous sensitivities, cancel culture wasn't in anyone's imagination, and comedy was still looked upon as - comedy.
All In The Family, Archie Bunker, exemplified that. I'm glad cancel culture hasn't taken the archives from circulation. At least not yet.
http://archive.org/details/AllInTheFamilyCousinMaudesVisitS2E13 (http://archive.org/details/AllInTheFamilyCousinMaudesVisitS2E13)
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Norm McDonald died of leukemia [age 61] He had this cancer for almost 10 years and kept it to himself and his family. He was a funny story teller.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxD3pT8C9-A
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Nancy Pelosi is so upset at the handling of Afghanistan she began impeachment hearings on Trump.
-
We couldn't stop laughing----
http://imgur.com/gallery/3noLeQL
-
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so if it goes to court, I'll remember that you were an ass hole!"
Two months later they are in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"
“Well, sir, you might know your client better than I do.”
How often can someone hire an attorney that will wind up convicting their own client?
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http://youtu.be/1fG5N0PGiTY
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Faux Pas came up with the best line----
(http://i.ibb.co/2dpmyzM/screenshot.png)
-
He won't want to go next year.
-
This too funny not to get posted in "Time for some Humor" section...
Apparently, Kamala Harris is so disliked by the Biden administration at how she literally turned everything delegated to her causes an embarrassment to the administration, that she's deemed as a useless idiot. Prompting The Onion to post this headline (LMAO):
"WHITE HOUSE Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case An Email Comes Through" (http://www.theonion.com/white-house-urges-kamala-harris-to-sit-at-computer-all-1847963740).
To be fair to Kamala, her boss 'ain't all that great at anything either'
-
Can't she be assigned to screw someone ?
-
Can't she be assigned to screw someone ?
They would, but they fear she'd screw that up, too! It's so bad at 1600 Pennsylvania today that even with its announcer, Kamala just can't get a break.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtgJS-tDgMo
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"WHITE HOUSE Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case An Email Comes Through" (http://www.theonion.com/white-house-urges-kamala-harris-to-sit-at-computer-all-1847963740)
After she read that-----
(http://www.reviewjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/12960085_web1_HARRIS-CULINARY_110819_es_006.jpg)
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What happens when a fully loaded armored truck driving on the freeway at fairly high speed and the door all of the sudden swings open?
http://vm.tiktok.com/TTPd2SjmNs/
The freeway shuts down full of happy people!
-
This is a real thing available on Amazon for $39.99
A cat backpack, you can carry snowball around with you
in this stylish kitty carrier.
(http://tinyurl.com/yh4crmvp)
-
A woman's view of men.....
(http://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/387ae4e8eae76b11c55869bdc06f3b4a9a7d3b4e/26_55_5551_3331/master/5551.jpg?width=1200&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=2a6d8329840a5362d57ee0500871dcb3)
A man's view of women....
(http://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1bTXuc3aH3KVjSZFjq6AFWpXaw/Garden-of-Earthly-Delights-by-Hieronymus-Bosch-S-Decorative-Fabric-Shower-Curtain.jpg_Q90.jpg_.webp)
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This pirate walks into a bar..and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand got cut off. I got fitted with this hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
"Well.. it was just right after I got this damned hook."
-
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
-
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
In Russia...vodka IS the MoviPrep.
-
Wife tells about various jokes circulating in Ukraine.
Russian soldier:
These Ukrainians are all criminals and thieves.
You cannot leave your tank for even a few minutes or they will steal it.
-
Wife tells about various jokes circulating in Ukraine.
Russian soldier:
These Ukrainians are all criminals and thieves.
You cannot leave your tank for even a few minutes or they will steal it.
Typical Russian, complaining that they let him escape before capturing his tank. :rolleyes:
-
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out.
Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps.
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I'm just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren't on the front page.’
‘The one I'm looking for will be.’
-
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out.
Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps.
‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I'm just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren't on the front page.’
‘The one I'm looking for will be.’
Excellent !!
Thanks for posting.
-
I found this humorous.
(http://preview.redd.it/oj0y9710xzn81.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=941846e4a37e46613fcf5d4ad63a2cebd1753f3b)
-
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared...
...and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers gathered up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor raise your hand.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up
-
This guy was having an affair with a 17-year-old girl who had lied about her age. When he learned the truth, he broke it off and over the next few weeks, guilt set in and he confessed to his wife.
She screamed at him, "How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman?”
__________________________________________________________________________ _______
What ‘competitive salary’ really means--
It means your salary will be competing with your bills.
-
I found this humorous.
(http://preview.redd.it/oj0y9710xzn81.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=941846e4a37e46613fcf5d4ad63a2cebd1753f3b)
At first, I couldn't figure this out.
Then I thought it meant, since Russia has universal health care, it will cost its government a lot to take care of the wounded Russian soldiers.
At second thought, maybe it's that America spends a lot on military rather than health care, which serves us better in times of conflict.
Anyway, jokes are not supposed to be funny if explanations needed; but maybe I'm the only dense one!! :-)
-
Three minute timer
-
Darth Putin@DarthPutinKGB
Day 34 of my 3 day war.
My army advances backwards, most of my agents are no longer secret and Abramovich has unfriended me on Facebook.
-
Very good ;D
-
Three minute timer
My poor wife uses the same method, but has to do it twice.
-
cuz ya fell back asleep?
-
(http://i.imgur.com/2u9WmDn.jpg)
:ROFL:
-
http://youtu.be/QFLtv2exMbU
-
http://youtu.be/dqIpI68-6pQ
-
http://youtu.be/QFLtv2exMbU
I got a belly laugh when near the end the narrator said: The Russian tanks, etc., can be sold for scrap metal or if they are in good shape could be sold on ebay.
-
I got a belly laugh when near the end the narrator said: The Russian tanks, etc., can be sold for scrap metal or if they are in good shape could be sold on ebay.
Did you know the Ukrainian government passed a regulation making those russian military items collrcted and sold income tax free?
-
Now it all makes sense...
-
Wife--- “I’m having an affair.” Husband---“Do we need to hire a caterer?”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiter---“I see your glass is empty, sir. Would you like another one?”
Diner----“Why would I want two empty glasses? One of us is an idiot!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He opened a restaurant called "Peace & Quiet”. Kids meals start at $65
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A WW2 pilot visited a girls school
He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said,
“I was flying in formation when three fukkers came up behind me”.
The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the
‘Fokker’ is a type of German airplane”.
The pilot replies, "Well that's true but these fukkers were flying Messerschmidts”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Piano player split his pants and his balls were hanging out , someone said --
Do you know your balls are hanging out ? Piano player-- I'm not sure... hum a few notes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why put off 'til tomorrow what you won't do then either.
-
RE Russian lies
I think if you caught a Russian having sex with your wife/girlfriend he would say: "it's not true. I've tested your bedsprings and you will be pleased to hear that they are in good working order"
-
- Mom, I'm in Ukraine. They're shooting, it's scary, our BMP was smashed, there is such a meat grinder here!
- A meat grinder? What for? You'd better take a blender."
-
- Mom, I'm in Ukraine. They're shooting, it's scary, our BMP was smashed, there is such a meat grinder here!
- A meat grinder? What for? You'd better take a blender."
I don't get it.
-
I don't get it.
Have you not seen the looting by the Orc's? Anything that is not tied down comes back home, old electronics like CRT monitors, doghouses :rolleyes:, used clothes, childrens toys...
-
Have you not seen the looting by the Orc's? Anything that is not tied down comes back home, old electronics like CRT monitors, doghouses :rolleyes:, used clothes, childrens toys...
OK now I understand; thanks.
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Have you not seen the looting by the Orc's? Anything that is not tied down comes back home, old electronics like CRT monitors, doghouses :rolleyes:, used clothes, childrens toys...
How thoughtful of them to put a hitch on the back for the tractor. 8)
-
New statement has been released by Azov battalion. Details of the operation below
-
Young men from rural Russia prepare to die for Putin inside $4 million tank in Ukraine while their home villages have 50 meters of tarmac for main street and no running water
friendly reminder: 20% of Russians don't have indoor toilettes
-
http://youtu.be/s4UM2IkfB0o
-
http://youtu.be/yKjGS0r8yGU
-
Apparently Russia let the policy lapse.
-
At first, I couldn't figure this out.
Then I thought it meant, since Russia has universal health care, it will cost its government a lot to take care of the wounded Russian soldiers.
At second thought, maybe it's that America spends a lot on military rather than health care, which serves us better in times of conflict.
Anyway, jokes are not supposed to be funny if explanations needed; but maybe I'm the only dense one!! :-)
ML, I believe its because we won't need universal healthcare.....
-
At first, I couldn't figure this out.
Then I thought it meant, since Russia has universal health care, it will cost its government a lot to take care of the wounded Russian soldiers.
At second thought, maybe it's that America spends a lot on military rather than health care, which serves us better in times of conflict.
Anyway, jokes are not supposed to be funny if explanations needed; but maybe I'm the only dense one!! :-)
It means that, unlike other Western countries, the US doesn't spend much in tax dollars on healthcare, so no universal healthcare, as exists in all other Western nations. That money is spent on the military.
-
....
-
.....
-
....
-
....
-
Great idea.
-
:rolleyes:
-
Women won't date a guy who still lives with his mother.
But they will date a guy who still lives with his wife.
-
This woman doesn't seem to understand that by wearing shoes that don't match the rest of her outfit, men will only be looking at her shoes rather than her body.
-
This woman doesn't seem to understand that by wearing shoes that don't match the rest of her outfit, men will only be looking at her shoes rather than her body.
She has feet?
-
Russia: WE HAVE A PROTOTYPE T-14 ARMATA TANK BEST IN WORLD WE ARE STRONGEST MILITARY FORCE!!1!!!!!1§11
Also Russia:
-
http://i.imgur.com/2u9WmDn.jpg
Does any one else think of this song when they see a dis-attached turret?
http://youtu.be/OOaPHa3GSFY
-
this will never stop being funny
-
Putin shopping for some new equipment?
http://pbs.twimg.com/media/FSaUvdjWYAAeHiY?format=jpg&name=small
-
A recent study showed that Humans eat more banana's than
monkeys. It must be true, I can't remember the last time
that I ate a monkey.
-
(http://images.upbeatnews.com/posts/4186/FunnyBump003.jpg)
-
Vladimir Putin suffers a stroke during the invasion of Ukraine and goes into a coma.
After several years, he wakes up and is allowed to leave the hospital, walking out onto the streets of Moscow.
Several years of being in a vegetative state have apparently taken their toll on the Russian leader, because no one recognizes him.
He decides to walk into a bar and orders himself one stiff drink, and then another.
After downing the two double vodkas, he asks the bartender:
”What year is it?”
Somewhat taken aback by the question, the bartender responds: “2025.”
”Did we win the war?” Putin asks.
”We won,” the bartender responds, pouring himself and Putin another shot, and clinking the glasses. “To our glorious victory,” the bartender says as they both down the shots.
”And Crimea, is it still ours?” Putin asks.
”Still ours,” the bartender responds.
“And Kiev, is it ours?”
”Of course,” the bartender responds.
This makes the Russian leader smile. He asks the bartender how much he owes for the drinks.
”100 hryvnia,” the bartender responds.
-
Headline----British government forms July 4 committee to investigate the root cause of the American insurrection.
Law enforcement in the age of dinosaurs...triceracops.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same chapel and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have a question for you."
"Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
-
Every girl is by, you just have to figure out if it's sexual or polar.
-
Every gurl is also "BUY"!!!!!
-
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
-
http://youtu.be/TCDBqd224jc
-
Soon to be published: ”A Guide to Contemporary Russian Tanks & the Ukrainian Tractors that Pull Them”
-
too soon?
-
At second thought, maybe it's that America spends a lot on military rather than health care, which serves us better in times of conflict.
It's that we spend all our money on the military leaving nothing for
healthcare.
-
(http://www.heraldweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/cmg_images/89835/rid_cc6161736bceaf4e9a21c0be53c1f2a4/e9583e87d1be76f0d2d9bc143a1c981a_dc6af695e1a277cb3405cb29cc5c19c3_5-10.jpg.pro-cmg.jpg)
(http://www.heraldweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/cmg_images/89835/rid_8a4c36bdce6b9dada8db078f7072d35d/856b4d4efb7bc5bc26a0901fd28625dd_4fe3492c190bffbd7f2ef3b173616100_6-7.jpg.pro-cmg.jpg)
(http://www.heraldweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/cmg_images/89835/rid_788d21d3c9de05c57152b4633f708a0d/bring-your-own-women-sign-Hilarious-signs-only-found-in-Texas-scaled.jpeg.pro-cmg.jpg)
(http://www.heraldweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/cmg_images/89835/rid_83acb68fc25a4cb415c997e4d0dd6d5f/c59ba2900d0893505f6c71c1464a28b2_6eff1d2cdeb88be30987f27e23acff7d_12-8.jpg.pro-cmg.jpg)
-
(http://img.ifunny.co/images/b336fcb9cfa321ad966e3e1eb696dc11c660d5196293deb52843b9792c576f08_1.webp)
-
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I will assume all those
other genders are pulled from Uranus.
-
all shipping/boating to/from Crimea is stopped
people being chased off the beaches by soldiers for "safety"
explosions every day all around Sevastopol
wife's family no longer answers the phone....
wife has no clue what's goin on
y'all know the bridge will be coming down soon...right?
and 2 Russian ships damaged in two days, tells me ya'll ain't gonna get resupplied all that much from the sea...
doncha all remember how the nazis ended up in Krim in '44?
I do, I looted their graves for trophys
same way my grandchildren are gonna loot yours
ach du liebe
the first gold my ancestors ever held was robbed from the tombs of pharohs under the full egyptian moon
really surprised how primitive the electronics are in a Javelin, circa late 1980s level
russia is able to copy this level of technology VERY easily, but there's nothin in there, they don't already know...
but it looks REAL pretty - cuz mil-spec stuff is all gold plated packaging!!!
no expense is spared for military electronics, contrasted with consumer electronics, where a lower quality component will be used, if it's .01 cheaper per unit
bullets were always more expensive than bread
until the crops all failed cuz of the weather
Ukraine army has cracked through the first russian defense line in the south and are headed for 2nd main line
do that and they're more than half way to the crimean border...
-
These second defensive lines are on the higher ground,with heavy fortifications having been built by the orcs.
With no air cover to speak of for the AFU,because NATO keeps delaying the supplying of F-16's,it's going to be really hard for them to progress.
I'd think the best way is for the AFU to stand back and hit these fortifications with their superior artillery,hoping that will do enough damage to prevent the AFU getting massacred when they advance up the high ground.
The worrying news,according to the military analyst on Sky News today,is that the AFU have now had to use their elite NATO trained 10th Brigade reserves just to get as far as they have....and the orcs have started to re-take villages in the Kharkiv region.The only positive news being that the orcs have had to commit all their reserves also.
Sounds like it's going to be a real attritional slugfest with the outcome balanced on a knife-edge with NATO dithering on getting the necessary F-16's and more long-range missiles to Ukraine which could tip it their way.
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(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/366737273_2686638254807805_4430323036641809576_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s720x720&_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=_LJ0CgxsYdMAX_9Ms2f&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=00_AfCX90nOmtBtWeaUsihh2FBdlxDVKSp2_vMhc6N3hWY8Hw&oe=64E55DDA)
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(http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/368620186_10231962074009785_3653483165127138106_n.jpg?stp=cp6_dst-jpg&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=gw2mQUaS5VYAX9Spc8U&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=00_AfCI5iaaw_5uCA-ElJVKgJJZ3y2BaItbbLp-Vi7xG9AdYw&oe=64E58195)
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Me: What's first rule of cooking?
4 year old: Don't put your fingers in your butt
Me:
4 year old:
Me: Correct
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how's he gonna check himself for Tape Worms?
this is CLEARLY bad parenting Bill
putting your own culinary interests ahead of your child's welfare
poor little kid
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They say that cows are bad for the environment but,
All cows do is eat plants all day and fart
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
Just like Vegans
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She is in trouble.
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http://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcReW8sWzxZKazdUAfY5da1VTtS9bL4oSjYUI0w8-7JU0Z-DyAVBTYqBu0MaUXKFci7xpZI&usqp=CAU
http://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-907TGfaOAVTwFnqfZBnpXS3v3mr5e6oQ4StBkIEdnmyw1XwlbbWjmI-u1tH23rvcZMs&usqp=CAU
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My wife is so shy, she can't even have an orgasm at home unless the door is locked.
I keep having to say: Unlock this door and let me in.
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Idiot
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Some really funny stand up comedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFCJLshbNdE&list=RDaEACJV9n3QI&start_radio=1&rv=aEACJV9n3QI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4_szbVG7As&list=RDaEACJV9n3QI&index=2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEACJV9n3QI
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Camel Tow