How long did it take your wife to adapt?

[XMan]

Was language the biggest problem?

What steps did you take to help with the transition?

I'm sure some of these questions have been covered, but new readers (and often old ones) do not go searching through threads. 

[Gator]

Her adjustment requires near constant attentiveness, patience, and "yes darling you are right."   You are also adjusting to her so factor that into your thinking.

[GregfromGa]

I'm not sure she ever has adapted. 10 years later she still struggles with life in a small Georgia town although she was raised in a smaller town. She thinks everyone wants to know her business. She really trusts no one. She refuses to ever admit that there might be a possibility that there might be a chance that she might be a little wrong on any number of subjects. I recently helped her move out from her new soon to be ex husband. He is a deadbeat and he wasn't fair to our kids. So I helped her get settled into a new place with our kids. Of course there is a lot of tension between me and the soon to be ex. He is probably the luckiest man in our town as for not getting my foot in his ass just yet. I don't know how long he will continue to be that lucky. Her parents will be coming in a few weeks. I am glad for her. She needs the help and it's really good to be near family during these times.
Back on the subject. My ex never did well with other RW/UW as friends either. There is always the constant drawing of comparisons between her and everyone else whether it be education, looks,cars, houses, job, no job, kids you name it. She doesn't respect our small town but  big city would eat her up. I will help her because of our kids. She refuses to take much of any advice and at the end of the day she doesn't know jackshiat. Common sense out the window but she can do calculus and physics. Hopefully other people have less of a problem with their respective others assimilating into American society.

[Chicagoguy]

Gator, you are right. For me it was patience. Something I never had but did manage to get better at.

Greg, the woman you describe sounds like a complete loser.

My wife arrived here at age 52, had never been married and spoke zero English. But before she came here I had determined that she was a good sport and that is what helps. She wakes up every day with a smile on her face. 5 years now.

There was a man a few years ago who wrote that as soon as his wife arrived at their new town she said "I am home". She was happy and I don't remember if he ever wrote again.

[Maxx2]

I'm not sure she ever has adapted. 10 years later she still struggles with life in a small Georgia town although she was raised in a smaller town. She thinks everyone wants to know her business. She really trusts no one. She refuses to ever admit that there might be a possibility that there might be a chance that she might be a little wrong on any number of subjects. I recently helped her move out from her new soon to be ex husband. He is a deadbeat and he wasn't fair to our kids. So I helped her get settled into a new place with our kids. Of course there is a lot of tension between me and the soon to be ex. He is probably the luckiest man in our town as for not getting my foot in his ass just yet. I don't know how long he will continue to be that lucky. Her parents will be coming in a few weeks. I am glad for her. She needs the help and it's really good to be near family during these times.
Back on the subject. My ex never did well with other RW/UW as friends either. There is always the constant drawing of comparisons between her and everyone else whether it be education, looks,cars, houses, job, no job, kids you name it. She doesn't respect our small town but  big city would eat her up. I will help her because of our kids. She refuses to take much of any advice and at the end of the day she doesn't know jackshiat. Common sense out the window but she can do calculus and physics. Hopefully other people have less of a problem with their respective others assimilating into American society.

Sorry Greg to hear about all your problems with the ex. She seems like one of those women who see the dark side of everything. They usually have the hardest time if ever of adapting.


From what I have seen over the years with others is that your ex might have it right about small towns. For those born and raised there it is the center of the universe. Outsiders are a curious attraction. I remember Donna_Pedro saying over at RWG that when she walked down the street in the small town where she lived she felt like she was the circus elephant. As in "there is one of those Russian women!" I understand that American men that live in smaller cities in Russian and Ukraine feel the same way. I know a guy who knows an American man living in a smaller Ukrainian city, population 300K. The local gossip is that he is on the run from American law and can't go back to the U.S. All from the babushka network. The real reason is he can't stomach the B.S. in this country and felt more secure in North East Ukraine. How ironic huh? Reminds me of the guy back in the 30s who seen the war clouds forming so he decided to move to the safest place in the planet, Guadalcanal.

[Maxx2]

My wife arrived here at age 52, had never been married and spoke zero English. But before she came here I had determined that she was a good sport and that is what helps. She wakes up every day with a smile on her face. 5 years now.

There was a man a few years ago who wrote that as soon as his wife arrived at their new town she said "I am home". She was happy and I don't remember if he ever wrote again.

That is the key. Marry a woman who has a positive outlook on life. 

[dogspot]

Not long at all. First of all, her English was good before she arrived. This is key to a quick and easy adjustment. When we met her language was okay, but it improved remarkably because of the effort she put into trying to make it perfect. (It's still not perfect but good enough that I forget that she's Russian most of the time).

Second, she started working as soon as she was able. We made sure that we always had all of or ducks in a row with regard to USCIS documents (and still do with everything). Resumes were prepared and polished, so when she received her work authorization, they could be sent out to prospective employers. Much work was done beforehand to seek out potential suitors, so landing something seemed a breeze for her.

She also started driving soon after her arrival (and probably before she was ready). We bought her a car and, after a few months, she was loose on the streets of San Diego.

My family has also played an integral role in her adaptation to life here. She and my mom have bonded quickly. Her relationship with my sisters-in-law has been tremendous. We spend a lot of time with family, as they are all here in Southern California...Having a child of our own has also helped her adjust, too, I would say. She has helped contribute to the growing number of grandkids in the family.

Homesickness happened after the first few months: husband at work, no friends, etc. But it past rather quickly. My wife mentioned a coupe years ago that she no longer thinks of Russia as home and she doesn't have a desire to go back - even for a visit. My mother-in-law has been coming for visits (she is here now and headed back on Saturday) and she speaks with all of her closest friends and relatives regularly in skype, so the connection there remains strong. But the desire to be there physically is gone.

[tfcrew]

Was language the biggest problem?
As her English got better, mine got worse.

What steps did you take to help with the transition?
You must both understand the steps required for residence to citizenship.
My wife did not want to be a stay at home. Back while I was working one day she hiked over to a shopping center and got herself hired that day.

I'm sure some of these questions have been covered, but new readers (and often old ones) do not go searching through threads.
Yes they do too. Every one is a different story.

[Faux Pas]

I'd say (with my wife anyway) there are different degrees of adaptation. Somethings she adapted to right away. Some others now 6 years later she still hasn't adapted to. I think her homesickness started to wane after about 10 months. The USCIS was delay after delay to get her temp GC, which held up her SSI# and her legal ability to drive. Of course this was a big hinderence in her finding a job. Her Russian profession is not a "usual" one in the U.S. and finding a job in that profession in our small town is not available. She has the equivalent of a masters and a Bachelors degree in two different fields. Her English has always been passable but a tad slow. It's improved some but not a lot over the 6 years

These things did not help in aiding her adaptation. In fact she said more than once that the U.S. government does not want her here. She believed that to a large degree despite my telling and comforting her otherwise. Socially, my wife took to the U.S. like a duck to water. She was very sociable with most anyone but, she is and I assume always been particular about who she chooses for friends. Quite a few ladies tried to be friends with her that she just didn't care for. Then there were a few others whom she like, formed friendships and are friends to this day.

[GQBlues]

Was language the biggest problem?..

Some but not as big a deal as adjusting to 'food'. Thank goodness for sushi....after that, the SoCal 'sun'. She's convinced our sun is so much brighter than it is in Novo. 

...What steps did you take to help with the transition?...

My wife was fairly young when she first arrived so there wasn't much of an effort in her getting settled. Of course, my band of girlfriends helped immensely as they took her out around town, lunch, shopping, etc...when I had to go back to work. So she immediately felt at ease with everything. She didn't feel like a 'stranger'. She never felt isolated and alone when I was gone to work.

Our proximity to SoCal's beaches likely helped a lot, too. She went swimming and walked quite a bit on the strands during the first years. She kept herself busy and preoccupied.

Homesickness was not a huge issue since the availability of messenger/skype came to fruition.

The right person with the right attitude (both persons) will make the adaptation process literally painless. Besides, wifey was too much 'in-love' with me. I can't blame her one bit. 

[pitbull]

What do you consider a "well-adapted RW"?


Let me tell you, nothing tests one's level of assimilation into a new culture than a job that requires helping people from yet another culture adapt to the US! 

[ML]

Was language the biggest problem?

What steps did you take to help with the transition?

This issue is a mysterious one.

We can read here of couples who had virtually zero problems and other couples who never adapted after many years.

So the important factor is probably the individual gal, along with her individual guy.  It's either going to work . . . or not.

In our situation, Ochka has been here 3 years.

I think she 'adapted' within a few days.

Her English skills upon arrival were:  6-7 speaking and understanding, 6 reading, 4 writing.

She  immediately entered a 2 semester Intensive English Program at a major university.  She got all A's in the courses and her teachers individually wrote that she was the top student in their particular class.

It was a lot of work for her and, as it turned out, for me also!!

I worked with her every day on vocabulary building assignments, explained written sentences that she was having trouble with . . . and most time consuming of all . . . reading and correcting her written essays.  OMG they were virtually non-understandable at first.  But they improved quite a bit; although to this day her written English is much poorer than her reading and talking ability.

Intermixing with the students in the classroom provided her with sort of 'instant' friends with shared goals.  And she blended in seamlessly with my existing friends and our neighbors.

Food was never an issue.  Ochka cooked whatever she wanted regarding Ukrainian food, and I had no problems with it.  And, she readily prepared any American dish that I could provide her the recipe for, and she liked them also.

She never experienced any substantial home sickness, despite fact she is extremely close with several family members.  We can probably thank Skype for this.

There were and still are some wide differences in our ideas about medicines, treatments, etc., but it hasn't caused major problems.  Likely because I ignore her ideas and she ignores mine.

[Aloe]

5 years    Yes language is a big problem! Also the weather.

[fathertime]

Some but not as big a deal as adjusting to 'food'. Thank goodness for sushi....after that, the SoCal 'sun'. She's convinced our sun is so much brighter than it is in Novo. 

 

I grinned at this statement.
Where my wife is from the heat/humidity is truly ghastly (coastal Colombia)...nevertheless my wife has always insisted that the sun is hotter here in SoCal...it makes no sense at all...I am almost always covered in sweat when in her home country...whereas here i'm rather comfortable..Although now years later when she visited home she was groaning about the heat in her home city...so I think the adaptation has finally taken place.


Fathertime!   

[GQBlues]

My wife's reason behind that 'belief' was (when she was finally able to explain herself better), and apparently, LA compared to Novosibirsk was so much brighter because there aren't as many *tall buildings* and the streets were so *much wider* - consequently, there were "expanded flat unshaded areas" giving the perception that LA's sun is so much *brighter*

 

[Jumper]

Like others have mentioned -duck to water.
She liked most everything here from minor to major.
She missed (and misses) family and friends, but not location ,culture or country.No horrible homesickness, as she is in good contact with those she cares for, and can and has made visits.
 She is an accountant and enjoys working here as well..but will take some time off long term soon.She has good local friends and adapted easily socially.
 The main difficulty would be accent/language..not a huge hurdle,but since there havnt been any others of note, thats the one i'd mention.
Initially it was often  from simply  a confidence level in speaking loud enough as she is soft spoken in russian ,so was even more so in english

We live near a large metro area thats as culturally diverse as most any other in the US, and is where eastern europeans are the norm, not an exception, so that likely factors in quite a bit.

[CaptB]

I was lucky. My wife had a masters degree in "English Language and American Culture". Language is probably the biggest road-block to adjustment. My wife taught English in Russia for more than ten years. There is the occasional miss-pronunciation. She calls me her "little interpreter"........and correction is instantaneous.......like an old couple who finish each others sentences.


You would think that with her degree that she would have been the ideal candidate for relocation to the USA. The truth is.....she had no real interest in finding an American husband........just a strong interest in American culture. She had helped more than a dozen Russian women with letter writing, phone calls etc........for those looking for a foreign husband. It was one of her friends who "badgered" her into making a profile (the now defunct "True Loves.com").


We talked for several hundred hours......and a few visits .....before we were married. I would have to say that most of the the surprises were positive.
Negative issues were minimal. While still in Russia.....and before meeting "me".......she had watched years of american television....news....documentaries....travel shows..etc. etc. "BUT"...........her English was already excellent. I believe the sooner your RW learns your native language.....the easier her transition will be ......when she gets here. If you believe that you will worry about the "language issue"......AFTER she gets here.......you are already digging yourself a hole. Just about any and all "other" adjustments......will be secondary......to language.


Capt B