Getting Over The Hurdles - The First Year of Marriage

[Voyageur]

That is a good post, Ken. My timeline is only three months since I have  been married, but there are many similarities in my wife. She also  misses the community she had with others in the FSU. She has her  driving permit now. She is learning to be a good driver, but is still  unsure about driving alone.

When she got her permit - after she took and passed her written test -  there was some confusion about her K1 visa expiring in less than six  months. Of course, it had already expired when I married her. But  luckily, we had just come from the local USCIS office forom the  biometrics exam and showed the manager the papers (the Notices that she  applied for Adjustment of Status) and this seemed to change his mind.  Passing the driving test was no easy matter for someone not familiar  with English (or Spanish!) and it meant another nerve-wracking trip to  another Department of Motor Vehicles.

FWIW, my wife loves turkey, and most of the healthy food in America.  She is continually disappointed in the "looking" of American women and  in the political correctness prevalent in our society also.

[catzenmouse]

FWIW, my wife loves turkey, and most of the healthy food in America. She is continually disappointed in the "looking" of American women and in the political correctness prevalent in our society also.

Voyager,

Congradulations on your three month milestone!

 As long as we have fruit, vegetables, kashi, and ice cream in the house all is good!:D

Ken

[Vaughn]

What a refreshing thread - glad it's gone active again.

Voyageur:

She has her driving permit now. She is learning to be a good driver, but is still unsure about driving alone.

 Driving alone was a huge step for my wife - we found that we could practice in school lots w/o a permit legally when the schools were officially closed, so drive we did. I remember after hours of sweeping ovals, I stepped out of the car and told her it's time to solo. When she returned after her first loop alone, her expression was priceless, and the self-confidence factor
was evident thereafter in all she attempted. Soon the license was in hand, and she's been free to shop and explore without dragging me along. Her family couldn't believe it - and wanted a video of her going down the road. Her Mama visited last spring, and is the only living winess in Russia to Elvira's ability behind the wheel.

 Mixing children has been challenging. I was raised with three sisters so it was little surprise to me that the dynamic of three teenage daughters would confound me now and then; fortunately Elvira and I stand in accord regarding the girls when youthful estrogen begins to spray.

Ken:  

I'm just throwing out the trials and tribulations that come with this type of relationship. Over all I feel the same as I did many months ago in that I could not have found a better woman then Elena.

When we met you two last summer, I kept thinking, "We both really struck gold."

[catzenmouse]

When we met you two last summer, I kept thinking, "We both really struck gold."

Spassiba Balshoi Vaughn! I agree 100% Was good talking to you the other evening!

Ken

[catzenmouse]

Last evening and today Elena is pretty depressed and upset with herself. She had a rough driving lesson yesterday and is convinced that she just won't be able to drive. She's upset about the money spent on the lessons and is calling herself stupid and "nobody at home". She's not taking any consolation in our talking about that this is okay and we will be fine with or without her driving and that we can practice and keep working toward her being comfortable (or in reality comfortable enough) with the car and driving.

It is not helping that she is also upset with the USCIS mess up of Sergei's paperwork as she we had recently been talking about her going for a visit during his holiday break from school and now we are just hoping that we'll have this resolved for the Spring break but if not then during the Summer vacation. She is really feeling like she is fighting the world (and I can understand this to an extent but as I am in my originating country/language) and blaming herself for the problems we are having. We've spent a lot of time lately just talking and trying to build up her flagging spirits.

Ideas and suggestions are welcome.

Ken

[BC]

Get out of the house and do some weekend trips.. works wonders here.

[catzenmouse]

Thanks BC, the problem there is that she is working every weekend right now so the best we can do is dinner out. We're still trying to find a babysitter so even going out for a dinner & movie evening is out. We've got a weekend trip planned in January to meet up with POConnor and Alla. Even so, this is still a month + off.

Ken

[al-c]

I have not gotten as far as getting a RW here, but I think about it quite often.  I had an engagement blow up on me three days before her Moscow interview over a cultural misunderstanding, and that is as far as I got.

The suggestions in this thread are all good ideas.  I know you need mountains of patience, but I'm not worried about that because I have that patience.

My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here.

 Can your RW relate to a song?  The one I suggest is Brave New Hope by Basia, a woman from Poland who came here some 20 years ago.  The song is her relection on how she felt living in New York, thousands of miles from the only place she knew as home (and could not go back to to, period, because it was during the communist era).  It is on the CD London, Warsaw, New York.  Maybe it will help your RW feel less alone.


 

[catzenmouse]

[user=527]al-c[/user] wrote:

My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here. 

We had this happen to us about 3 month after Elena arrived. Her grandmother, who she and Sergei) lived with and who was not living alone fell and broke her hip. She ended up in the hospital for several months and then went to live with Elena's mother, sister, and sister's boyfriend in the typical two room flat. Elena's mother was working 3 jobs and going to the hospital to take care of the grandmother (change the sheets, bedpan, feed her, etc.) and this really tore Elena up. By the time we got the AP for Elena her grandmother was doing better and out of the hospital so the family talked her out of coming but for the 3 months that she was in the hospital Elena felt super guilty for all that her mother was going through. We helped with money but that does nothing to help the emotional drain. Right now the grandmother is only beginning to walk with a cane.

I know about Basia, I used to have a couple of albums. I'll look for the song. Thanks!

Ken

[BC]

Thanks BC, the problem there is that she is working every weekend right now so the best we can do is dinner out. We're still trying to find a babysitter so even going out for a dinner & movie evening is out. We've got a weekend trip planned in January to meet up with POConnor and Alla. Even so, this is still a month + off.

Ken

Ken,

believe me this is likely the true root of the problem. Not the fact that she's working which I think is great, but that the current work schedule gives very little possibility to plan and spend 'quality time' together.  A rubber band will only stretch so far before snapping.. 

 

[catzenmouse]

BC,

 We have talked about this and I agree that it is part of the problem. Also part of the problem is the missing of her relatives with the coming New Year holiday. Unfortunately, recognizing these things does not give us a reasonable solution. Hopefully a couple of dinners out will help her to hold on a bit until after this month is out. I am also out of time off due to all the time I've had to take for getting the paperwork done, medical stuff, dental stuff, etc. that we've done over the past year.

Ken

[Turboguy]

Just an off the wall question after reading the comments about driving.  Does it see to any of you that Russian or FSU gals have a  much harder time learning to drive than American gals?   I have tought some American Gals to drive and there was not much too it.

I am just wondering if this is the case and why and thinking that perhaps the way kids grow up here might be part of it.  As a kid here, they have hot wheels cars, then the go to the amusment mark and drive the dodgems and the caddilac cars, they ride bikes, some even have 4 wheelers.   Am I right there is a difference and does this sound like a logical explaination? 

 

[BC]

Ken,

Understand.. the holiday season is indeed tough.  Just remember 'this too shall pass'.. 

[Vaughn]

Ken,

  Tough situation, but it will work out. Recently I began to work Saturdays, something I have not done in many years. So we hold our Sundays sacred for quality time, outings, relaxation. If at all possible, have her ditch the work on one of your days off - you need time together.

  The driving issue - Elvira just read your post and nearly burst out laughing - not at Elena's plight, but at the memory of her own feeling of futility 18 months ago. She never had to badger me for a lesson - we hit the streets almost daily for months. Eventually the improvement showed, and the confidence followed right along. Your wife saw my wife drive away, following me - proof it can be done - she should talk to Elvira and unload in the native tongue, it'll do her worlds of good to hear she's not alone and it will happen for her.

  Maybe some Russian disco on cassette while tooling along might quell the apprehension?

Vaughn

[catzenmouse]

Just an off the wall question after reading the comments about driving.  Does it see to any of you that Russian or FSU gals have a  much harder time learning to drive than American gals?   I have tought some American Gals to drive and there was not much too it.

I am just wondering if this is the case and why and thinking that perhaps the way kids grow up here might be part of it.  As a kid here, they have hot wheels cars, then the go to the amusment mark and drive the dodgems and the caddilac cars, they ride bikes, some even have 4 wheelers.   Am I right there is a difference and does this sound like a logical explaination?   

Turbo,

 For Elena this is true. While she was taking lessons her instructor said something like "you can do it, even teenagers can do it". She responded to him (and she has said the same thing to me other times when she sees anyone and everyone driving) that "you have grown up in cars all your lives, we have never had or used a car". Her family still rides the bus to the dacha and for everything else they do. Her grandfather had a car that was given to him by the government for being a veteran but he never drove it. If I remember correctly they still have the car but it has not run in many, many years.

Ken

P.S. Have a great time in Ukraine! Send postcards...

[catzenmouse]

BC,

 Thanks, yes I know it will. Elena sometimes gets that attitude (which I have seen and heard of quite often with FSU folks) where they expect everything to be bad and then to get worse (or as she says, "worser") We've been through rougher stretches on this journey and each time we come out stronger.

Vaughn,

 I'll check with Elena about her schedule this weekend. I know she works Saturday evening but don't know what time on Sunday. A good Ruskia skashzie (wrong word maybe?) would do her a world of good. She never tells her mom or sister about her problems here. She does not want them to worry about her so she really doesn't have an outlet for girl talk besides me. And let me tell you, I don't look good in a dress! :P:D

Hi to Elvira and Lenara from us!

Ken

[Turboguy]

Thanks Ken,  I would love to send everyone postcards.  It is going to be a quick trip.  One week from on the plane to go and off and home again.   My life seems to be getting a little more complicated and my head is starting to spin.  I am not sure if this trip is going to clarify things or muddle them more, but I will try my best to have a good time.

[al-c]

My worst nightmare (other than the RW doing somethine malevolent, like adultery) would be a disaster happening to her family back in Russia and she can't go there because she has no AP yet and is therefore trapped here. 

We had this happen to us about 3 month after Elena arrived. Her grandmother, who she and Sergei) lived with and who was not living alone fell and broke her hip. She ended up in the hospital for several months and then went to live with Elena's mother, sister, and sister's boyfriend in the typical two room flat. Elena's mother was working 3 jobs and going to the hospital to take care of the grandmother (change the sheets, bedpan, feed her, etc.) and this really tore Elena up. By the time we got the AP for Elena her grandmother was doing better and out of the hospital so the family talked her out of coming but for the 3 months that she was in the hospital Elena felt super guilty for all that her mother was going through. We helped with money but that does nothing to help the emotional drain. Right now the grandmother is only beginning to walk with a cane.

I know about Basia, I used to have a couple of albums. I'll look for the song. Thanks!

Ken

[/quote]
Yes, I read about your particular nightmare.  That was what got me thinking about a similar thing happening to me, although it is just conjecture at this point.  I was engaged to a RW, and the whole thing exploded over a cultural misunderstanding that each of us saw as inexcuable conduct in the other person, but that is another matter.  She had two elderly parents, and while the visa was still pending, I did give considerable thought as to what if one of the parents died before she got her AP.

BTW I listened to more of that Basia CD, and the whole thing seems to be about her coming to the U.S. to marry somebody.

[catzenmouse]

Well here we are... just celebrated our first anniversary. Success?  Yes, think we are having a successful marriage but we still have a long  way to go. We still learn more about each other as we come across each  new situation or each time we do something different. Frustrations?  Problems? Issues? Yes, we have all of these but no more than any  married couple have. So far over this past year our biggest issues have  been dealing with USCIS, her being scared of driving, and learning to  deal with the language issues in daily life. She will not say that she  has made any progress but I have seen great strides in her comfort  level here, her language, and her self confidence.

Ken

[Bruno]

Ken, i wish you several more year of happiness... and i don't think that it will be a problem for you

[catzenmouse]

Thanks Bruno! I think most (if not all!) the credit goes to Elena for putting up with me!:D

Ken

[Bruno]

Thanks Bruno! I think most (if not all!) the credit goes to Elena for putting up with me!:D

Ken

Ken, don't be so shy... a working couple is the result of mutual work... a misluck CAN BE one sided... Maybe your "Elena" is a good wife but if you was not a good husband , she have no keep you... success is build together, misluck can be build alone...

 

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"]Dan,

 Big LOL over the "anniversaries and birthdays and name-days" you are all too right, forget one and look out it is off to the dog house for at least a day.

 First year is a great start and it sounds like you and your lady are doing well Ken, remember this is a process which takes many years. We will have been together for 6 years this coming April and I am still learning and finding things out about my lady that surprise me. Really it is kind of fun.
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[Turboguy]

Congratulations Ken,  I am sure it takes work and dedication on both your parts.  i hope someday we can read about your 20th anniversary.   I am sure you two are perfect for each other and will have a happy life together always.

[catzenmouse]

Thanks again all for your good wishes! I think at times that this was the most difficult year for us but at other times I look back and say for the most part is was pretty easy. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. This Summer we will make our first trip back to visit and I think the following months after that will be a good indication of how the rest of the year, and maybe years will go for us.

 She's heard from a lot of other women that after you go back you realize that you don't like it so much anymore. This is in response to how much she misses her family, culture, etc. One woman who had a 6 week visit with family said that after 2 weeks she was ready go come home again. She said that was when she realized that here was home to her and not there anymore. We'll see how that pans out for us. I'm looking forward to everything except the travel time. Wonder if we can get knock-out drops for Sergei? ;) I think we will invest in a gameboy of some sort to help kill the time for him.

Ken