How are finances handled in your marriage?

[brucen36]

Hi:

I wasn't sure where to place this question so I figured here might be appropriate.  This question is for those who are currently married or have been married before and regards how your finances are handled in the marriage.  I'm not referring to anything that pertains to a pre-nup as I'm only interested in what happens during the marriage.  Specifically, are the finances completely shared, i.e. all the money that is earned by both of you goes into a central pot from which all expenses are paid and contributions to retirement funds/investments are equally made on behalf of both people.  For example, if the husband earns $60000, and the wife earns $40000, is the total income for both of you simply considered $100000, and this is used as if it belongs equally to both - in which case the wife may have more personal expenses despite contributing less to the pot?  Or is a larger contribution made to the husband's retirement/investments/personal expenses since he contributed more (note, I just arbitrarily made the man earn more, it could of course be reversed).  Or is there some concept of keeping things semi-separate - a situation where let's say both parties contribute $20000 of their income to the central pot to take care of all shared expenses and the rest to spend as you will on personal things.

 Also, how does it work for large purchases?  These expenses of course would be discussed, but ultimately a final decision has to made and will have to go one way - in your case are you the one that usually makes the decision or does your spouse decide?  For example, let's say you wanted to buy a BMW, but your spouse thinks it's a waste of money.  I'm not asking this because I am in this situation or close to being in it, I was just curious.

Thanks.
B

[kievstar]

I am 100% in charge of all finances and major spending decisions. Wife has a bank card to withdraw cash to spend like she wants but I do monitor it online almost daily.  But I do this on all my accounts to look for fraud.  If she spends 3,000 usd a month I do not care but over this I like to know what the bigger items are. 

All money is family money.  For major spending issues like buying a summer house or another car it needs to be agreed upon by both of us.   I think it is important that 75% of it is spent towards her and not me.  Clothes alone for women can be several thousand a month. 

I have been over treasury departments for Fortune 100 companies so I prefer to manage assets myself.  I did the same thing with my ex wife. 

[brucen36]

Does she have a job and her own income?  If so, who controls the money from her income?

[Doll]

If she spends 3,000 usd a month I do not care but over this I like to know what the bigger items are. 

Spends on what? Does she work?

[HiTech]

We budge x amount for food, wife pulls that out for cash at beginning of month and handles that.

We each get y amount of fun money cash to use as we wish at beginning of month. This cover cloths mostly for my wife, most of mine is spent on taking her to restaurants or other fun things.

I have my administrator handle all the bills, which I sign the checks.

Any other expenditures are done with both of us involved.

HiTech

[OlgaH]

Robert and I manage our budget together except small things. I'm in charge of our bookkeeping and paying our bills (business and privet), so Robert doesn't have headache about it, and when we planning our expenses he just asks me how much we have on our business and privet accounts    

[Ade]

My ex-wife and I tried several arrangements; at that time we were both earning substantial amounts but after some years her income dropped to half of mine.

The first we tried was separate accounts, bills were contributed to equally as were major shared purchases. Anything either of us wanted to spend on ourselves over a certain (quite substantial) pre-discussed amount had to be agreed with the other. To be honest, this system was a pain in the ar$e to manage and caused some friction too.

We eventually decided to use a shared account that we both had equal access to. The same consideration was given if either of us wanted to spend a lot of money on something other than bills. The only problem I had with this was that she had a "shoe thing" and towards the end of our marriage seemed to lose track on how much money she was spending so that she was quite capable of emptying the main spending account without even knowing where all the money went.

Of course there can be downsides with shared accounts if the relationship goes tits up and it ends acrimoniously.

When my fiancée and I get married in a month or two she will have full access to my accounts - I'm not sure if I can convert them to full joint accounts though and if not we will open a joint account and use that instead. I already think in terms of "our" money rather than "mine" but I know that some people have problems going to a totally open shared economy; it's a trust, control, and/or greed thing.

[kievstar]

Doll and Brucen36, I told my wife not to work.  She has to learn English, driving, go to gym, etc.. My tax bracket is to high and after tax she would be making less than $1 usd an hour.  I would never marry a woman who wants a professional career. I want a bunch of children and that is enough work for any woman.   She can do charity work, hobbies, go on vacations with friends, but the professional career is going to have to take a back seat. 

With my exwife she worked but I managed all money but many times she did not work as well.  When I got divorced, I bought her an expensive house and anything she wanted. Plus majority of the assets.   We used the same divorce attorney I picked out.  ADAM (American Divorce attorneys for Men).  This is true. 

[Doll]

What does she spend $3 000 on?

[kievstar]

I edited my post as most of it was personal.

[GQBlues]

In our household, money and finances have the same value as both our last names. Happily at this time, there is no separation.

[JR]

My ex and I had separate accounts. Everything she earned she kept. I paid all the bills, vacations, cars, etc. I gave her an additional allowance.

I think the finance thing is something everyone needs to figure out for themselves. It can be a very touchy subject. Listen to everyone, get ideas and talk it out. But do so beforehand. Leaving it until after marriage could have very bad ramifications.

[ECOCKS]

FWIW, as JR says, this is a somewhat unique decision for each couple. Assuming you just want examples though, I pay everything and her money is for whatever she wishes to do with it. Large decisions are discussed and the action is supposedly agreed upon. That said, it seems difficult to get my wife to engage on the purchases that she dpesn't feel some stake in. She was very hesitant about the house purchase but seems happy enough if a bit daunted by the tasks of home ownership.

I had to buy a new vehicle without her involvement a month or so ago. She has been okay with that but I worry that it sets a bad precedent. OTOH she selected the latest apartment we purchased in Ukraine but was very careful to collect all the relevant financial data before making the purchase. She did understand I had to know the amounts, rates and other information so that I could plan on the cash being ready at appropriate times.

In short, I wish she would shop more and become more engaged in the larger purchases and planning of a budget but this seems to just be something she will have to grow into with time and culturalization.

Hope that helped a bit.

[tfcrew]

When you said 'I do' then she said 'Oh no you don't'.

I do all the books...I have to!

[GalinaF]

I agree with JollyRats that managing money in a family should be discussed before marriage.  I mean the general principle, not all the specific details involved. When two adults are considering marriage, each of them has his or her idea what scheme is the best. And these ideas may differ greatly.

In my case, I was very clear from start that I wouldn’t be happy to receive any allowance (regardless of its size.) I told my future husband that I should know the whole picture to be able to make right decisions. Although the idea of completely commingled finances was new to my Michael, he agreed to give it a try. When I came over more than six years ago, Michael added me to his bank account, so I could see the total amount and have an access to the funds. Then, he explained to me the online banking system, and I’ve been paying the bills ever since. I discuss with Michael any changes that I’d like to introduce (e.g., trying a credit card with cash back/mile or making additional car payments) or anything strange I was able to find in our bank/ credit card statements. When we travel, I do all the booking and planning. So far, this system works fine for our family.

[Muddy]

What does she spend $3 000 on?

russian/uktaianin boyfriend?

[Aloe]

lol i wish i had 3k to spend every month !
we just have a shared account with 2 cards and my husband pays all the bills since i dont understand a single thing anywhere cuz i dont speak the language, and we always buy everything together since i dont have any means of travel except bus, which i hate (that runs like 2-3 times a day, cuz we live in a village), so i dont go anywhere without him except grocery shop around the corner, but we only have like 100-200 disposable income every month anyway so cant buy much haha; sucks being poor

[Ade]

lol i wish i had 3k to spend every month !
we just have a shared account with 2 cards and my husband pays all the bills since i dont understand a single thing anywhere cuz i dont speak the language, and we always buy everything together since i dont have any means of travel except bus, which i hate (that runs like 2-3 times a day, cuz we live in a village), so i dont go anywhere without him except grocery shop around the corner, but we only have like 100-200 disposable income every month anyway so cant buy much haha; sucks being poor

It sucks worse to be alone.

[Aloe]

alone was fine when i didnt know my husband, but now that i know what its like being with him, it would suck to be without him, he is awesome
of course ive never been properly alone before though, i mean living on my own and such, cuz i lived with my parents before that, so i guess i cant really say if alone is fine or not

[Ade]

alone was fine when i didnt know my husband, but now that i know what its like being with him, it would suck to be without him, he is awesome
of course ive never been properly alone before though, i mean living on my own and such, cuz i lived with my parents before that, so i guess i cant really say if alone is fine or not

Parents and friends are one thing but not having a very special someone to share your life sucks the big one. It gets much worse as you get older too.

[2tallbill]

Newbies, this is something that must be figured out and
discussed BEFORE you file with USCIS.

[ML]

With my first wife and with my now Ukrainian wife, same story.

All money earned by either is deposited into joint account.
Then I pay all bills and move spare money to what I consider best investment at the time.

Has never raised a question with either wife.

Ukrainian wife knows nothing about how to value stocks, bonds, etc., but every time she sees the DOW coming across news screen at 30,000 she says:  We should have bought in at 18,000 (the bottom of Covid panic).  Well sure; but does she know when not to get in and when to get out . . . before the fact ?

She did ask me a few years back what the DOW, S&P 500, etc., meant and I referred her to google pages, so she does know they represent a basket of stocks.

[GenMish]

When I married my FSU bride, I tried to delegate handling finances to her. She wouldnt have anything to do with it. Its so ironic, only two things she wouldnt do, finances and take out the trash. {hmmmm} Anyways, She was happy with credit cards and cash. For the first 10-15 years, she was really good with money. I came to the conclusion, women arent expensive until after they are 35. Sometime after 35 , she started spending money like water

And I get it. Our 1st Thanksgiving she went to the store and was given a free turkey because she spent the 50 or 75 needed to get that. She kept saying no, because we were having Thanksgiving dinner at my Moms. They kept insisting. She called me at work, really worried, wondering if it was a trick

Anyways, good thing she wasnt handling the finances 3 years ago when she blind sided me with divorce papers